Original subtitles

Victoria: I'm slammed today.

I've got three listing appointments, a wax,

and a surgery I can't discuss.

But first, I need to break up with DJ once and for all.

DJ?

No, no, no! No, no, no. No, no.

DJ: Help me with the pants. Victoria: Okay, stop.

We're not doing that right now. Okay?

That's what I came to talk to you about.

Do you know what someone said to me the other day?

DJ: That you're glowing and beautiful?

Victoria: No, but thank you. No, listen.

Someone said to me,

"Nice to see you, Victoria."

Nice to see me? DJ: Right.

Victoria: It can never be "nice to see me."

DJ: No, you're right. Victoria: I'm boobs and terror.

That's it.

I can't sell anything.

I'm walking around smiling

in an afterglow of earth-shattering sex,

and it's ruining me.

I have to choose between

my career and my personal life,

because I obviously can't have both.

I'm a woman in the workforce.

DJ: Well, then, yeah, we need to break up.

Oh, Victoria always tries to break up with me.

But I know how to pull her back in.

Did you buy that dress at a bargain bin today?

Victoria: What?

Excuse me? DJ: Yeah.

They run out of all of the hot women sizes?

Victoria:

I am the only hot woman size,

and you know that!

You are a real asshole.

You don't even belong at this desk.

You will never be your father.

DJ: You're never gonna be with my father, either!

Victoria: Well, we don't know that for sure.

We don't know the future. DJ: Yes, we do!

Victoria: Good. It's over. We're done.

DJ: Prepare to be sad, 'cause it seems to be working!

Victoria: I am sad.

I don't need you to help me be sad!

DJ: Well, just be sad for the day,

because later on, we still have dinner!

Victoria: Well, that's one thing we agree on!

Except I won't be eating!

I'll just wait for you to eat,

and then we'll have sex after!

DJ: We're gonna have a great time!

Victoria: I know! DJ: Got it!

Victoria: I'll see you later!

For sex!

DJ: Fuck you! That's right!

Victoria: Yes!

Dean: While my son and Victoria scream about their sex plans,

I'm on my way to my next appointment.

It's a palatial estate

with an asking price of $40 million.

Dickie: Dean Rosedragon.

Dean: Dickie Chambers.

Well, what are you doing here?

Dickie: What are the chances

of our meeting here like this?

Dean: This is unbelievable.

Dickie: How unusual.

What are the chances that both you and I

in our super-exclusive group of rich people

would be here... Dean: I know.

It seldom happens, doesn't it?

Dickie: ...Vying for this one home?

I was about to meet the broker.

I'm not certain what's happening.

Dean: Yes, I wonder where that fellow is.

I mustn't let Dickie Chambers know

it is I who is selling this house.

Dickie: What is the square footage?

Dean: I -- I think it's, uh, relatively modest.

Dickie: Mm-hmm.

Under 20,000. Dean: Probably, yes.

I would say -- Dickie: It must be listed.

Dean: It must be listed somewhere.

Dickie: Mm-hmm. It's often on the --

I believe what they refer to as the one sheet.

It's that piece of paper in a placard in front of you.

Dean: Yes, where would that -- oh, this right here?

Dickie: That, yes. What does it say?

Dean: Oh, it's a terrible font. I can't read it.

Dickie: Oh, yeah. I'll have a go.

Dean: Don't bother. No, no reason.

Dickie: Oh, dear. Dean: What's that?

Dickie: Dean? Dean: Yes?

Dickie: Is it possible...

the broker we've been awaiting...

has already arrived?

Dean: Fine! The cat is out of the bag.

But I will not bear Dickie's judgment.

Dickie: And you've chosen to be a...

a Realtor.

Sorry, is it Realtor? Real-a-tor?

Dean: Realtor. Dickie: Realtor?

Dean: Yeah, so are you from another planet all of a sudden?

Dickie: No, it's just I don't work...

Dean: Dickie Chambers thinks I'm poor?

I do not need your pity or your charity.

Dickie: It is neither.

Just, please, I've made an obscene amount of money.

Dean: How fortunate for you

that, although you do not mean to be crass,

you have become so.

Take that away from me.

Dickie: Mm.

Little Deany Hosewagon.

Dean: How dare you?

Dickie: You know, I think I will buy this house.

Dean: I don't think I will let you, because...

I'm going to buy this house.

Dickie: I think I'll offer...

Oh, is that all they want?

Dean: Oh! Dickie Chambers wants a bidding war

with Dean Rosedragon?

And so it begins.

Dickie: $60 million American.

Dean: I will offer... $70 million.

Yes, I'm going to buy this house.

And turn it into...

the Dickie Chambers is an Asshole Museum.

Dickie: Dean, were you to buy this simply to make commission,

that's a bad way to do business.

Dean: I'll waive my commission.

Dickie: $75 million in rolled coin.

Dean: $90 million...

in amber-trapped mosquitoes.

Dickie: Hmm. Curious.

Dean: Curiouser and curiouser.

Dickie: I wager for this home...

the concept of time.

Dean: I'll see that.

And raise you. Dickie: When?

Dean: A mother's love for her child.

Dickie: I'd hoped.

I offer the known universe.

Dean: I offer the unknownuniverse.

Dickie: Prove it.

Dean: It will be proven.

Dickie: You know, there is one way we could solve this --

the way we always have.

Dean: The oldest way there is.

Dickie: Yes. Dean: Pistols or sabers?

Andrew: I'm meeting a new client

at my Beverly Hills listing today.

She seems eager to make a deal.

Well, the price was $9 million, but the good news is

they've just brought it down to 8. 5

'cause I think they want to get rid of it right away.

It will go fast.

I have to ask, what was your name again?

Wivian: Wivian... Wivian Turnter.

Andrew: Wivian, as in the...

Wivian: Wivian -- just from Wivian.

Andrew: Right. You look familiar.

I can't, uh...

Maybe you have one of those faces.

Wait a minute.

Did we work at Rack's Roast Beef in Cincinnati?

You were my manager?

Wivian: No. Andrew: No?

She was mean.

Did we do a volunteer car wash together once

to raise money for people who needed coats?

Wivian: I've never washed a car, no.

Andrew: I know I know her from somewhere.

It's driving me cray-cray.

Wait a second, are you that woman from St. Louis

whose husband killed her?

Wivian: Fine, I'll admit it.

You've got me. How did you know?

Andrew: Wait a minute, are you a gho --

are you a ghost? Wivian: A ghost?

Andrew: A ghost. Wivian: No.

You're not a very smart man, are you, Mr. Wright?

Andrew: Well, some people have called me stupid.

Wivian: And I would agree with them.

I'm not a ghost.

I "Gone Girled" myself.

Andrew: "Gone Girled"? Wivian: Mm-hmm.

Andrew: I'm not familiar with the reference,

but I assume it means you faked your own death,

and now you're desperate to buy.

Wivian: Very desperate. Andrew: Let's make a deal.

Wivian: Let's do it. Andrew: 8.5.

If you don't mind, I'm gonna make one call.

Wivian: No.

Andrew: To Jimmy, who will get you a loan

and get you a great rate, I promise.

Wivian: Don't call Jimmy.

I have everything that we need.

Everything right here.

Can you keep a secret, Mr. Wright?

Andrew: I can keep a secret. I can keep a lot of things.

Wivian: Do you swear? Can you make me a promise?

Andrew: I promise. I promise.

but you know what they say...

promises are meant to be broken.

Wivian: Well, you know what else they say.

Broken things are meant to be fixed.

Andrew: And you know what they say about fixing...

it stops a cat from being able to have babies.

Wivian: This is moving too fast!

Andrew: This is what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna turn around,

and I'm gonna grab your shoulders very heavily.

Wivian: Yes.

Andrew: It's gonna look aggressive,

but it's gonna feel good, 'cause it's gonna be comforting.

And then I'm gonna tell you something very dramatic.

Listen to me!

You're gonna stay right here in Los Angel-lese, okay?

You're gonna buy this house,

and I'm gonna live here with you.

Wivian: Yes. Andrew: And you're never

gonna be hurt again. Wivian: Yes!

Mm.

Mm.

Andrew: I'm sorry, is this a wig?

Wivian: Yeah, Yes.

It's a part of the "Gone Girl" thing.

I thought... Andrew: "Gone Girl"?

What is this "Gone Girl"? I do not --

Wivian: How do you not get it?

Andrew: I do not get the reference.

Hold on, come here.

Chelsea: So I'm working with Amir on a huge sale,

and we've only got an hour to get it done.

Miss Van Der Holme has agreed to that pur--

Barl: Uh-oh!

Here it comes!

The sandwich guy that everybody hates!

Chelsea: Hey, Barl.

Amir: Barl sucks and his sandwiches

suck even more, but I'm starving.

Barl: You guys hungry, huh?

Amir: Yes, can I get a Reuben, please?

Barl: Yummy, yummy, yummy!

A Reuben? Amir: Yes.

Barl: Do I have a Reuben? Yes, I know I do.

Why can't I see it?!

Why can't I find it?!

Amir: She's gonna probably --

She put down 20% over 30.

Barl: Arr! The full moon is out!

Arr!

Chelsea: Why? Barl: Why?

'Cause I was doing animal breathing.

I don't know. Here's a Reuben.

And your chip choice?

Chips and a drink.

We've got Cheetos, Fritos, cola and Lays.

Amir: Just a Lays is fine.

Barl: Lays? Amir: Yeah.

Barl: There's sour cream and onion, and we have...

classic!

Is that a classic music song?

Amir: Can I have the sandwich, please, and the...

whatever she wants, too.

Barl: Gentle man. Free sandwich.

You gotta give him something, right?

Chelsea: No. Barl: You gotta give him

a little something something. Right?

Chelsea: No, I really don't.

Oh, my God.

It is never a simple transaction with Barl.

Sorry, it's just kind of time sensitive.

Barl: So Reuben.

That is... 4.75.

Juniper is...

3.00, 3.00, 3.75,

plus the chips come with it.

Amir: I can't fucking do the math while he's...

Barl: Plus the drink, $3.00, $4.00, $7. 75,

plus everything comes with it.

So I don't have to add anything.

Barl: Let's see, it's $3.00 and $4.00 --

That's $7.75.

These are complimentary, these are complimentary.

So I don't have to add those, so it's just $7.75.

Amir: No, 12,000 is 10%.

Barl: These are free, these come with it.

Amir: Damn it, Barl! Chelsea: What?!

Amir: Barl! Fuck!

Barl: What happened? Amir: Ow! I fuck--

Barl: You hurt yourself? Amir: Yes!

Barl: You hurt yourself having an outburst?

Chelsea: Are you okay?

Barl: It's $7.75.

Andrew: So I moved in with Wivian.

And we already have our own shared language.

Wivian: Oh, I don't know.

I don't know what I'm gonna do. Oh, no!

Andrew: Honey, take a seat. What's the matter, honey?

You got your bloomers in a bunch.

Wivian: I've gotten a text message from my husband.

He says he's -- he's gonna kill me.

Andrew: He's gonna kill you? What's it say? Read it.

Wivian: I can't read it, it's not actually a text message,

it's a...it's a voicemail

But he said he's gonna kill me.

Andrew: Oh, he did. Even better that it's a voicemail.

Play it for me. Let my ears take a listen.

Wivian: Oh, I -- I erased it, I alread-- I was too scared.

Andrew: Get ahold of yourself, baby!

What's going on with you?

Wivian: I have to tell you the truth.

My husband...

My husband, Ben Affleck, he...

he's been sleeping with our friend, Matt Damon, for years.

Andrew: Wow! Wivian is so complicated.

And she's married to Ben Affleck,

the heir to the duck insurance company.

Wivian: They came up with a plan to kill me

and they pushed me down the stairs.

They pushed me down the stairs so hard.

I was scared! I didn't know what to do!

So I faked my own death. And I ran away.

But I made one mistake.

Andrew: What?

Wivian: I used his credit cards.

Andrew: Oh, no.

You used his credit cards to kill him.

And now he's coming -- I'm sorry, what?

Wivian: No. I faked my death. Andrew: Faked it --

Wivian: And then I used his credit cards to get away.

Andrew: To get a way? A new way to kill him?

Wivian: No. Credit cards are where you keep money.

Andrew: But they're sharp,

especially the new metal ones with the chip in them.

Wivian: Okay, wow. Andrew: Swip, swip! You could.

Wivian: Maybe we should move on.

Andrew: I love you, baby. I'll do anything for you.

Wivian: I need you to put my husband to sleep.

The big sleep. Andrew: A big sleep,

something like -- Wivian: A big sleep, yes.

Andrew: A sleep that he almost...

Wivian: Couldn't wake up from.

Andrew: Well, we don't want that.

Wivian: Well, no, we do.

Andrew: I'll get him a big plate of pasta --

a lot of carbs often gets you sleepy and lethargic,

maybe put a slice of turkey on the side.

He won't have a chance.

Wivian: But, like, with strychnine in it?

Or what are we talking about here?

Andrew: Mmm, just pasta.

Wivian: Okay, I'm just gonna say it --

I'm just gonna say it.

Andrew: If you sleep forever, you're dead.

Wivian: Just shut your fucking mouth, okay?

I want you to kill my husband.

Please. Andrew: Kill?

Wivian: Just kill him. Andrew: Murder him?

Wivian: Yeah. Andrew: Yeah.

Yes. Wivian: Yeah?

Andrew: Uh, Shit, what were we doing --

Wivian: Spaghetti. Andrew: I was --

no, I was-- I said, yeah,

I'll kill him right away. Wivian: You will?

Andrew: Yes. Wivian: Great.

Glenn: Dean called and asked me to bring his dueling pistols

to his listing.

That's so Dean.

Dean: Well, now you'll never see the elephant woman's bones.

Dickie: Hmm.

Glenn: Hi, Dean. Mr. Chambers. Dickie: Yes.

Glenn: Ah, Dean, I brought all the things that you requested.

Dean: Thank you, Glenn.

Glenn: Um, I assume that you're dueling.

Which is very exciting.

I had to miss my harmonica lesson for this,

but this is much better.

Now, I assume you will be at adhering

to the guidelines of Frances I,

in which case, I have inspected each of the pistols

to make sure that they are equal in both appearance and...

performance.

Would you like for me to determine

a specific location and then --

and then count off the paces between you?

Dickie: No, Glenn, that will not be necessary.

You see...

at the sound of this hunting whistle,

you will have a 15-minute head start.

After that point, Dean and I will be upon you...

and the hunt will have begun.

Dean: Yes, we're hunting... the most dangerous game.

Glenn: Is that a type of duel?

Dean: No.

Dickie: It's a very one-sided duel.

Dean: I suppose.

I mean, that's stretching the definition of duel

to its absolute breaking point.

Dickie: Yes. It's not a duel.

Glenn: I see. Dean: It's a hunt.

You see, we're competing...

to bag the most dangerous game.

Glenn: Yes, and that phrase comes up again.

I just don't really know what that means.

Dean: You've never heard that phrase before?

Glenn: I've heard all of the words in the phrase.

Dean: Glenn, when I say we're hunting the most dangerous game,

the most dangerous game refers to man.

And you, after a fashion, are a man.

Glenn: Thank you, man.

Dickie: No. Dean: Glenn, we're hunting you.

Dickie: Yes. Dean: We're going to hunt you.

Dickie: I'm going to blow this whistle.

We're going to give you a 15-minute head start,

then we're going to come and shoot you with these guns.

Dean: You will have this knife with which to defend yourself.

Also...

your ability to run, your ability to swim.

Glenn: Oh, I can't swim. Dickie: Unfortunate.

Dean: Well, then, you will also have to defend yourself...

your wits -- sorry.

Glenn: So...

What?! They can't hunt me!

I'm not a buck or a jackrabbit.

I'm a brittle-boned human boy!

I... Dickie: Let's review...

Dean: 15 minutes, Glenn.

Dickie: That felt like 15 minutes.

Dean: Yes. Dickie: Let's go kill that guy.

Glenn?

Victoria: I'm on my way to meet Baxter...

and, get this, his new boyfriend.

I guess me and DJ's romance

is inspiring others to get their shit together.

Baxter: I only really identify with animated characters.

I love Garfield.

Victoria: Hello. She's arrived.

Baxter: Hello! Look at you!

Wow. You look great. Victoria: Thank you.

Hi, Victoria King. Jeffney: Hi, Jeffney Buckley.

Victoria: I am so excited to meet Baxter's new boyfriend.

Jeffney: Oh! New?!

Baxter: Uh, no, no.

We've actually been together for eight years.

Victoria: What?

Jeffney: Oh, we've been together a long time, yeah.

Baxter: Yeah. You didn't know that?

Victoria: Uh, did I know you had a boyfriend for eight years?

No.

Andrew: Wait, Jeffney's in town?

Oh, dang it!

Wivian said I can't hang out with my friends

until I murder her husband.

Baxter: You know, you probably haven't seen him

'cause he lives most of the time in Hong Kong.

Victoria: Oh. Jeffney: I'm based in Hong Kong.

I'm a cruise ship director. Victoria: Okay.

Jeffney: And that's where I spend most of my time.

Baxter: Yeah.

Victoria: I don't understand this.

Okay, he lives with Andrew. He sleeps with Andrew.

He eats with Andrew. He works with Andrew.

Baxter: My -- I have to be close to work, okay?

That's why -- we have a house together in Toluca Lake.

Jeffney: And it's just too far.

Baxter: It's too far from work, all right?

Jeffney: Toluca to Bev?

Baxter: It's like 40 minutes.

My place with Andrew is, like, 36 minutes away.

I need that extra four minutes. I need to snooze.

Victoria: There's no way that this relationship works.

It must be so difficult, though,

to do a long-distance relationship

and all the temptation and...

Baxter: No, I mean...

He's monogamous

and I'm in an open relationship.

So it just works. Jeffney: Yeah.

Victoria: So you're -- you're fine with the fact

that Baxter sleeps with other people all the time?

Jeffney: I love it. I'm like, "Practice, Baxter, practice.

Get good for when I come back

from Hong Kong with my long dong

and don't waste my time."

Baxter: It's just like sports, okay.

Victoria: What? Baxter: If you don't practice

and then you get on the field,

you're not gonna be able to score.

Victoria: Okay, you can't be okay with him

going off with other people and cheating on you,

because that's what he's doing.

He's cheating on you while you sit home.

Jeffney: I'm totally okay with it.

I mean, it gives me time to read.

Baxter: Yes.

He needed to catch up on one of his books earlier.

And I was like, "Okay." So I excused myself,

I went outside, I got into my car,

and I got a blow job from a busboy.

It just works --

because we are honest, all right.

And Jeffney is not the jealous type.

Unless, of course,

I mention my middle-school girlfriend, Autumn Fipps.

Jeffney: Don't you say her name!

Victoria: It's official.

My relationship is better than Baxter's.

I win again!

Andrew: Hello?!

After a big day of straightening one sheets

and holding in my farts,

it's nice to come home to my lady and just be.

Oh. Wivian: Schnookums!

Andrew: Hi. Wivian: Oh, you're home.

I missed you so much.

Andrew: Oh, it's good to see you.

I had a rough one.

Wivian: Oh. Here ya go.

Fill your belly with some pasta, honey.

Andrew: Oh. That! You are a little angel.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Thank you. Mmm! Wivian: I did that for you.

Do you like it? Andrew: Yeah, I love it.

Wivian: Oh, did you do anything for me today?

Andrew: I thought about you at lunchtime.

Wivian: Oh, okay. Andrew: I did.

I was like, "I wonder what she's doing."

But I didn't do anything physically,

if that's what you're saying.

I didn't do any chores.

Wivian: But -- but -- Andrew: Mmm!

Wivian: Did you do anything else for me today?

Andrew: I didn't do anything else for you, but...

but I promise, I love you just the same.

Wivian: Oh, my God, did you kill my husband?!

Andrew: Oh. Shit.

No, I forgot -- that's on my --

I have it on a to-do, but I did not do it.

I'm sorry. Wivian: Okay. All right.

Andrew: I didn't do it. Wivian: Yeah.

Andrew: Don't get mad about it. I told you I'd get--

Wivian: I'm mad, I'm mad. All right.

Enough with this bullshit.

Andrew: Can I eat before we get sexy?

Wivian: Oh, we're not getting sexy.

That's definitely not what's going on.

Andrew: Fine! I'm willing to do this,

but we are getting back to the argument

after we both, you know, get there.

Wivian: Oh! Andrew: Jesus Christ.

Wivian: Oh! Oh, my God.

Andrew: What was that about?

Oh, babe. You're taking it up a notch.

What are you -- what are we doing again?

Wivian: I'm making it look like you beat me up.

Andrew: Why? Wivian: I'm "Gone Girling" you,

just like I did my husband.

Andrew: I don't get that reference!

Wivian: Don't worry. Andrew: I don't --

These are the references I've gotten --

I'm done this so many times. "Star Wars" references --

specifically, "Luke, I am your father."

I know where that's from. I know the history behind it.

But it's--

Wivian: Oh, my God, listen to that silence.

Stupid idiot.

Stupidest man alive.

Pick someone stupider.

There we go.

I'll turn into you. And...

Baxter: Hey, buddy.

Wivian: Uh, hey, Baxter,

it's me, Andrew.

Baxter: Let's go put some dim sum in our tum-tum.

Wivian: Yeah, I'd love to get some dim sum.

Baxter: Yeah! Wivian: I gotta tell you about

this crazy woman I met, right?

Baxter: Listen, unless she's wrapped in egg dough,

I am not interested.

Wivian: Yeah, we will get dim sum,

but I got a bury a body tonight.

Baxter: Oh! Baxter so hungy!

Wivian: Okay, fine! Dude, yes, we'll get --

we'll get dim sum first. Baxter: All right.

I'll met you there in 15. Wivian: Good God.

Andrew: When I woke up, I had a throbbing headache,

Wiv was gone,

and Baxter said I owed him for dim sum.

Glenn: Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

Dean?

Oh, man.

Dean: Well, Glenn...

let us agree that...

as gentlemen...

we shall not speak of this

in front of the other brokers

or, indeed, ever again.

Glenn: Dean, I've never seen a body do that. I've...

never seen a head...

Dean: Glenn, I've seen many things

in my time upon this earth,

but I pray that I never see such a sight again.

But, truly, now you see why...

it is called...

the most dangerous game.

Glenn: It truly is... the dangerous game.

Dean: The most dangerous game.

Glenn: It is such a dangerous game.

Dean: It's the --

Glenn: I know now why it's a dangerous game.

Dean: Glenn...

It's the most dangerous game.

Glenn: Do I put the knife back in there--

Dean: You can keep that souvenir.

Glenn: We lost the sheath.

Dean: It's fine. Glenn: The sheath is gone.

Dean: Maybe bury it. Maybe bury it.

Glenn: The sheath? I can't find it.

Dean: Okay, then, bury the knife instead.

Glenn: You. Dean: Mnh-mnh!

After we buried Dickie,

I finally felt that Glenn

had what it took to be a Rosedragon.

That feeling has since passed.

Glenn: Well, at least you... won the bid.

Dean: Yes, I won the bid... to buy this house...

the thing I did not want to do in the first place.

Glenn: I'm dizzy. I'm dizzy.

Dean: Why don't you go -- just go home.

Lie down.

Glenn: Okay. Dean: Collect yourself.

Glenn: Okay. I...

Okay. I'll see you at the office.

Dean: Yes. See you at the office.

Glenn: Okay. Bye, Dean.

Dean: Bye, Glenn. Glenn: Bye.

I'll be in touch. Oh.

Dean: I'll just see you at the usual places.

Glenn: Yes. Okay.

I...

What happened?!

I'll never be the same.

Who do I turn to? Dean: Check and mate, Dickie.

Glenn:

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