Original subtitles

Andrew: I was thinking we could get a bottle of sambuca...

Suggs: Hi. Andrew Wright?

Andrew: ...and head down to the beach.

Suggs: That's him right there? Thank you.

Andrew: You can buy me dinner, or...

Suggs: Hey, take a walk, Heels.

Andrew: Uh...

You, uh, Andrew Wright?

Andrew: Yeah. Yeah, I am.

Suggs: Inspector Suggs, Department of Real Estate,

Home Inspection Unit. Just like to ask you

a couple of routine questions. Andrew: All right.

Suggs: You sold a property, right,

on the twenty-two-hundred block of Hillhurst Avenue?

Andrew: Uh, no, I did not.

Suggs: Oh. Andrew: I sold one on Hillhurst,

but it was the two-thousand-two-hundred block.

Suggs: But you know that twenty-two-hundred

is just another, some would say more efficient way

of saying two-thousand-two-hundred, right?

Andrew: Sure. You say tomato, I say apple.

Suggs: Okay, let's call the whole thing off, right?

Andrew: What?

Suggs: You were there. You were there.

On that block, you sold a property

on the 14th of last month.

Am I correct? Andrew: 14th what?

Suggs: The 14th day of last --

Andrew: I didn't know if you meant 14th sandwich.

I didn't know if you meant 14th-feet-tall.

I was there, I remember, because it's right before middle day.

Suggs: Well, I'm in a bit of a pickle.

Andrew: I love pickles. Suggs: Yeah.

Because the buyer of that property said

that somebody filled up the termite holes

with wood putty, and that's a big problem for me.

Andrew: That sounds like something I'd do.

Oh, I did it.

I will be honest with you,

I don't know anything about that.

And if I did see termite holes,

I would have to report 'em. That's --

Suggs: You would have to report them.

Andrew: Yes. Suggs: And yet,

I don't think you reported 'em.

You were the last person on that property

and you know what? Andrew: What?

Suggs: I've been doing this job a long time.

Andrew: How long? How long have you been doing it?

Suggs:

And I swear I smell wood putty on you.

Andrew: I don't know what to tell you, but you're barking up

the wrong tree, man. I...don't do that.

I -- I -- I go by the book.

Suggs: It's a really cheap sweater.

Andrew: I got it at Marshalls.

Suggs: Come on, let's take a walk.

Andrew: Okay. You're hurting me.

Suggs: What about this? Andrew: No, that hurts.

Suggs: Does this hurt? Andrew: No, that's all right.

Suggs: All right, how about that?

Andrew: That hurts again.

Baxter: I'm on my way to Malibu to meet up with my clients

and ex-boyfriends Brandoon and Gizzy.

It's very awkward,

because I dumped both of them

and now they're dating each other.

Yeah, so this is a double lot,

so you can build a guest house on the other lot

if you wanted to.

Why don't we just kind of address

the elephant in the room?

Gizzy: This chandelier? Baxter: No. No. No.

Brandoon: I mean, it's -- it's definitely ugly.

Baxter: No, I wasn't talking about the chandelier, guys.

Gizzy: Oh. Baxter: I'm talking about that

I dated both of you at different times

in my life and now you're together and I --

I think that's good if we just didn't talk about it.

Gizzy: No, there's nothing -- nothing weird

about this, Baxter. It's great to see you.

You look great, as ever.

Baxter: Oh, thank you. Yeah, now, yeah.

Gizzy: You're probably still just as dark inside,

but beautiful on the outside.

Baxter: Wait. What?

Gizzy: After dating you and seeing

how bad a relationship can be,

we learned what we wanted from a relationship.

You are like my air. It was like, this is good.

Brandoon: Air, breathing, I'm alive.

Gizzy: This is bad. Brandoon: Yeah.

Gizzy: And then this was so good!

Baxter: I'm sorry, I -- Brandoon: We just, like,

latched onto each other. And it's been heaven.

Baxter: Bitch, bitch, bitch, please.

I am the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. Bitch!

Gizzy: I waited eight hours in an airport to go to Jamaica

with you, and you never showed. Baxter: Yeah. I'm sorry, okay?

Ryan Seacrest invited me to go out on his boat,

and I'd been waiting for that invitation

for a long time and I got it.

You don't turn down

a Seacrest at sea invite.

I was, you know, probably your best lover?

Gizzy: You were terrible. Brandoon: Sex with you,

you just laid there, I did all the work --

Gizzy: You were the laziest top I've ever been with.

Brandoon: So lazy.

Gizzy: When you put your iPad on my back

and was answering e-mails, it's rude.

Brandoon: When you're inside of me, don't check your Twitter.

Baxter: I had a bunch of @replies from Seacrest.

Brandoon: Your DMs with Seacrest are not my problem.

Baxter: If I get a DM from Seacrest,

I got to respond immediately, okay?

Brandoon: I don't want your DM, I want your D in.

Gizzy: Your DM made me want to have a BM.

Brandoon: When we have penetratio,

as I like to call it, it's like I'm taking a strawberry,

putting it on a skewer, and then dipping it into a...

Gizzy: Aww.

Brandoon: ...like an artisanal chocolate fountain.

Baxter: Sounds like you're getting poo everywhere.

Gizzy: No, very little.

Baxter: I am fine.

None of this is even bothering me.

I don't... What?

Amir: My new client wants me to meet him

at Huntington Gardens in Pasadena.

Normally, I don't do gardens or Pasadena,

but he's got a $12 million house to sell, so I'm there.

Hello?

Gio: Hello? Who is this?

Amir: Oh, fuck. Gio: Hello?

Oh, funny who you happen to run into here in Pasadena.

Amir: How are you, Gio? Gio: Oh, thank you for asking.

I'm good. Amir: What are you doing

in the Huntington -- Gio: Wait. Just a second.

Oh, can I conference you, my friend?

Pick up. Serge: Hello!

Gio: Oh! Serge: Oh!

Look who you run into,

out here on the passage to Eden

called Pasadena.

Amir: Oh, God, this can't be good.

Serge and Gio warned me to stop doing business

in Beverly Hills Post Office.

Gio: What the fuck are you doing here?

Serge: What the fuck are you doing here?

Stay out of Beverly Hills Post Office.

Gio: Cement blocks? Serge: Cement blocks.

Gio: Wonder what these are doing here.

Serge: A gun. I didn't see this. Gio: Whoa.

Serge: Wow. That must be yours, I guess, huh?

Gio: It's just here. I guess so.

Serge: Okay. Yeah, that's great.

You hold that. That's great. That's great.

Thank you. Gio: Got that. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Now we got that. Serge: Oh, no.

Gio: Cement blocks and rope and chains.

Serge: And a gun with your fingerprints on it.

That's crazy! This is crazy! Gio: That's crazy. That's crazy.

Serge: How did we get here?! Gio: I don't know!

It's like sometimes the little parts add up into something --

Serge: "All the Small Things," like Blink 182 says, right?

What does Blink 182 say? Gio: "All the Small Things,"

what do they say? Serge: What does Blink 182 say?

Amir: "All the Small Things."

Ugh. Time to plead for my life,

once again, with these guys.

I don't understand.

I got out of your turf, man.

I'm out of Beverly Hills Post Office.

God damn it, Serge!

Come on, man! Personal space.

Gio: It's a lot of cologne today, Serge, even for you.

Amir: Yeah, Jesus. Serge: You think it's too much?

Amir: What is...? What is that? Gio: No. Totally wrong.

Serge: I make it, I make it. I make it myself.

It's good, yeah? Gio: It's working, it's good.

Amir: No, it's not good, it's like...

Gio: That's you. Amir: It's like, it's like,

like a reptile. Serge: It's got actual

alligator pheromones in it.

Amir: Why are you trying to attract a fucking alligator?

Serge: What? I'm not gay, man. You think I'm gay?

Gio: You think he's gay? Amir: Oh, God.

Wait, so are they going to feed me to a gay alligator?

The suspense of how they're going to kill me is killing me.

Amir: Please, Serge?! Come on, man, Gio?!

I actually like you guys. I think you guys --

Serge: It's the alligator pheromones.

Gio: 'Cause it's the pheromones.

You can't help it. It drives you crazy.

It goes to the reptile brain

and your reptile brain says, "I got to eat this guy's dick."

Amir: Okay. This is excruciating and they haven't

even started killing me yet.

Gio: Little secret. Amir: What?

Gio: You got to swear... Serge: Pinky swear. Pinky swear.

Gio: ...pinky swear you're not going to say

anything about this. Serge: Pinky swear.

Gio: Okay. Okay.

These were not for you. Serge: It's not for you.

Gio: We were laying in wait for somebody else.

Serge: No.

Gio: We're gonna kill someone else.

Serge: We're killing his mistress.

Gio: Ex-mistress. Serge: Yeah.

Amir: Wow!

Just a classic mix 'em up.

Good thing I didn't quietly shit my pants.

If you see a very, very young Armenian girl --

Amir: I am not going to tell her to come here.

Gio: Great. Thank you. Serge: Okay.

We'll see you later, though.

Amir:

Serge: There we go. Okay. Gio: Can't believe he bought

the whole mistress thing. Serge: That was so dumb.

So they hit me over the head with a cinder block

and threw me into the water.

All's fair in real estate.

Dr. Chambong:

Whoops!

Sorry about that.

I was in the other room

operating on a horse.

So let's get started.

Todd: I just feel like that Dean and I

could really benefit from couples therapy.

Dr. Chambong: Listen, everyone can benefit

from couples therapy.

Dean: Can I stop you right there?

Dr. Chambong: You are.

Dean: We are not a couple.

And I was tricked into being here.

I was told that there was an important meeting

that required my urgent attendance.

DJ: Papa fell for it.

I told him there was a last-minute

Knights of Templar meeting.

He's in too many secret societies.

He can't keep 'em straight.

Todd: Well, we are two people.

Dr. Chambong: So you're a couple.

Dean: No. I -- Dr. Chambong: And I want you

to describe the other person

in terms of metaphors just to get things going.

Todd: I feel like...

when Dean talks to me,

he talks down to me, like I'm a janitor.

Dr. Chambong: Excellent. How do you feel about that?

Dean: I feel as if Todd thinks that a metaphor is a megaphone.

Dr. Chambong: I see.

Dean: How do you feel about that?

Dr. Chambong: I feel that that's valid.

Todd: This is kind of the dismissive tone

that he often uses towards me.

And he treats me like a janitor.

Dean: Yes, which you are.

Dr. Chambong: But he's also a...

person. Dean: Right. I don't care.

Todd: Can I tell you, like, some of the things

that I have to do at work? Dr. Chambong: Yes.

Like, if there's a stain on the counter,

like if somebody spilled coffee or whatever, it's always me --

it's always me who has to clean it up.

Dr. Chambong: So he's always making stains.

Todd: Yes.

Dr. Chambong: Stain, stain, stain.

Dean: Please don't say stain --

Todd: Stain, stain, stain.

Dr. Chambong: Besides stains,

what else do you have to do?

Todd: Spills. Dr. Chambong: Spills?

Dean: We're only just now moving off of stains?

Dr. Chambong: Spills and stains.

Dean: Yes! Yes! Dr. Chambong: Oh, my God.

Dean: It is taking all of my energy

to tamp down my murderous rage.

Dr. Chambong: Todd, you think of him

as more of an employer, is that right?

Todd: Yeah, I mean, so far,

we've kind of been in that kind of role.

Dr. Chambong: Let's pretend you're outside of the office

and you don't have that relationship.

Dean: 'Cause he's been fired?

Dr. Chambong: No. This is a hypothetical.

Dean: I'll say. Todd: So it's a metaphor?

Dr. Chambong: Yes. Todd: Okay.

Dr. Chambong: So what would a day like that be?

Todd: Feel like we'd go wine tasting.

Dr. Chambong: That's amazing. Todd: Feel like I got to

teach this guy a thing or two about Pinot Noirs.

Dr. Chambong: Mm-hmm. Todd: Feel like we'd play

some Ski-Ball. Dr. Chambong: Oh, that's fun.

Todd: You know? I'd love to find like,

one of those doo-wop garbage fires.

Dr. Chambong: Ohh! I love that! Todd: Yeah.

Just me-- Just men being men.

Dr. Chambong: Oh, man. Todd: Hanging out.

Todd: ♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

Dr. Chambong: ♪ Woo-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

Todd: ♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪ Dr. Chambong: ♪ Woo-ooh-ooh ♪

Todd: ♪ Doo-wop Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

Dr. Chambong: You don't like the slow doo-wop.

How about we speed it up?

Todd: ♪ Bow-ba-do, ba-do-ba-do ♪

Dr. Chambong: ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪ Todd: ♪ Bow-ba-do, ba-do-ba-do ♪

Dr. Chambong: ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪ Todd: ♪ Bow-ba-do, ba-do-ba-do ♪

Dr. Chambong: ♪ Ooh, you're leaving ♪

Todd: ♪ Ba-do, boop-a-do-bow ♪

♪ Ba-do, ba-do, boop-a-do-boo ♪ Dr. Chambong: ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

Todd: ♪ Boo-ba-do-ba-do ♪

♪ Boop-a-do-bow, ba-do-ba-do ♪ Dr. Chambong: ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooooooooooh ♪ Todd: ♪ Whoo-whoo-ooh ♪

Both:

Baxter: This house tour is technically going very well

with my exes Brandoon and Gizzy.

They're clearly very happy,

and if I'm being honest, it bothers me a lot.

This is the kitchen here.

Gizzy: Oh, my God. The size of this.

Baxter: Stainless steel stove.

Gizzy: Is this solid marble? Brandoon: Just one slab?

Baxter: Yes, this is one slab. Gizzy: Oh, wow.

Baxter: So how did you guys, uh, meet each other?

Brandoon: Oh, uh, like a Facebook group thing.

Baxter: Oh, cool, cool. Gizzy: Yeah.

Brandoon: Gizzy, Gizzy, look at this.

This is not the fridge, it's a cupboard, and then...

Gizzy: Oh, my God. All of this storage space.

Brandoon: ...the fridge! What? Baxter: The fridge is --

a built in refrigerator. What was the Facebook group?

What are you guys -- what are your interests?

Gizzy: It's a community of people,

everybody's been dumped by you. Brandoon: Yeah,

it's called the... Baxter: What?

Brandoon: ...Anti-Baxers.

Baxter: The Anti-Baxers?

I'm going to look this up.

This is a public Facebook group with 92 members.

Gizzy: Oh, we got a couple more. Brandoon: Oh, a few!

Gizzy: Yeah. Yeah. It's a hard city

until you find your community, and so it's really been great,

just all that people that have so much in common.

Brandoon: Yeah, it's like we all went through the Holocaust

together, but that Holocaust was loving you.

Gizzy: Yeah. Baxter: There are 500 photos

and a calendar of events.

What is this? You own a time share together?

Brandoon: Uh, in Arrowhead, yeah.

Baxter: What?! Gizzy: Well, we just found

that we were going to Arrowhead so often with the group

that we just thought, why don't we all chip in

and we own real estate together? Baxter: How often do you

go to Arrowhead with the Anti-Baxers?

Brandoon: Like, twice a month, on the weekends.

Baxter: What?!

It's like, get a job,

you dumb sluts.

Am I ever going to get invited

to this stupid thing?!

Gizzy: The whole point is

that you're not invited,

'cause we don't want you in our lives.

But we all like each other.

Baxter: Fat Adam's on here? Gizzy: Yeah.

Brandoon: We just call him Regular Adam.

Gizzy: Yeah, we don't add the "Fat."

Baxter: Short Bill?

Gizzy: No wonder these people were broken up by you.

Why are you calling people that?

Baxter: Fucked-Up Foot Phil?

Brandoon: Well, Phil does have a fucked-up foot.

Gizzy: He does, he does. Baxter: Yeah.

That's the only way I could tell him apart

from Fucked-Up Hand Lou.

Andrew: This home inspector is accusing me

of hiding termite damage, and I am totally innocent.

Except that I did it. But he doesn't know that.

Why are we even in here? I didn't do anything.

Suggs: Yeah, you didn't do anything?

Andrew: I -- I told you everything I know!

Ow! You're hurting me. Suggs: You know what?

My guess is that you did a lot of things.

I know what you're doing. You're not going to find anything.

That's my "buger" hand.

Suggs: Your what? Andrew: I'm a "buger" man.

I pick almost constantly.

Suggs: Did you say "bugers"? Andrew: Yeah, "bugers."

Suggs: That's not how you pronounce it.

Andrew: This is a waste of everybody's time!

It's not a waste of my time at all.

We're going to talk a little bit while we wait

for this thing... Andrew: Wait for what?

You haven't even told me what we're doing here.

Suggs: ...to turn colors. Andrew: What is that?

Suggs: If that turns red, you're off the hook.

Andrew: Okay. What if...?

Suggs: If it turns blue, you're screwed.

Andrew: What's going to make it turn blue?

Suggs: Wood putty is going to

make that turn blue!

Andrew: This is so scary!

I'm all alone with Inspector Suggs.

I wish his name was Inspector Hugs.

Suggs: You know, I've had my eye on you a long time.

Loooooong, long, long, long, long, long, long time.

Andrew: What are you talking about? Why were you following me?!

Suggs: 'Cause you are interesting to me.

You are interesting to me.

Andrew: You delivered me a sandwich.

Suggs: Chicken Parm? Andrew: On Tracy Street,

and you delivered me a chicken Parm. That was you.

Suggs: That's right. That's right.

Andrew: And you said, "Can I use your bathroom?"

Suggs: That's right. I did, didn't I?

Andrew: You were in there so long,

I was laughing. Suggs: Oh, I filled that toilet

with my own human garbage, but you know where else I went?

Went up into the attic, I went down into the basement.

Andrew: Son of a bitch!

The basement that you called "finished"...

Andrew: Was finished! Suggs: ...unfinished!

Unfinished! Andrew: No! No!

Suggs: A carpet on cement does not a finished basement make!

Andrew: Fiiiiiiiiiiine!

I did it! I filled the --

the termite holes with wood putty!

You would've done the same thing!

A sale needs to happen!

What am I supposed to do?!

They would've shut it down!

They would've shut it down.

I needed to make the money!

I need to make the money.

Suggs: What color's that?

Andrew: It's...

Suggs: It's red. Andrew: Red?

Suggs: Yeah. Andrew: I was going to say red.

Suggs: That means you're off the hook, right?

Andrew: Oh, shit.

Suggs: Or you would be.

Andrew: This is the wood putty hand,

this is my booger hand.

Suggs: Well, hard to keep track of 'em.

Andrew: I always use one,

'cause I don't want to get wood putty and then be like...

Suggs: Yeah. Andrew: Question --

Too late to -- to pull over you on it?

Suggs: Yeah. Andrew: What happens now?

Suggs: Fine. $350.

Andrew: Oh, God. Suggs: That you can appeal.

Andrew: Okay.

Suggs: And...

it's pronounced "boogers."

Victoria: Serge and Gio called.

They want to meet me at Huntington Gardens,

so they can apologize. This better be good.

Gio: Oh, my God, you look beautiful today.

Victoria: Yes, I know, but I don't have a lot of time.

Gio: You look beautiful today. Well, we thank you so much

for coming to meet us on just a beautiful day.

Do you have to have a reason to get together when you're...

Victoria: With you, yes. Gio: ...in the same business.

Well, we just want to say,

look, there's no hard feelings.

Water under the bridge.

We'll break Chardonnay together is what we'll do.

Victoria: Why does mine have a straw and those two don't?

Gio: They fell out of these two.

It had two, and the wind -- it was a windy day.

Don't think about the straw, think about the Chardonnay.

Victoria: It looks like you purposely gave me

the one with the straw. Gio: No, no, no.

Victoria: That's what it seems like.

Well, then why don't we switch glasses?

Gio: Why don't you switch glasses?

Victoria: That's what I'm saying.

Why don't we switch glasses? Gio: Well, why don't we?

Well, if you do that, then I'll just do this, too.

Victoria: No. Gio: There you go. See?

Now it doesn't matter. Victoria: It's the same glass.

Gio: Look, it doesn't matter.

Victoria: What, are you trying to roofie me?

You think I'm some kind of idiot?

Gio: Roofie?

Hey, she thinks we're trying to roofie her.

Serge: Oh! Gio: No, no, no.

Victoria, you are about 25 years too old

for me to try to roofie you.

I save my roofies for the young girls.

Gio: Yeah, roofies don't grow on trees.

Serge: I no roofie you, my friend.

Victoria: Okay. I'm very young. I just seem mature,

because I make so much. Gio: Yellow don't crack. Okay.

Serge: Yeah, that's what they say.

Like a China doll. Victoria: No, I'm not Chinese.

Gio: Like a beautiful porcelain China doll.

Victoria: We have been over this.

Serge: Take the compliment.

Victoria: I am not Asian!

And I not too old to be roofied!

Listen, I've been roofied, okay?

I don't need to get roofied again.

Serge: You've not been roofied until you've been roofied

by Serge and Gio. Victoria: Why is it different?

Gio: Mariah Carey, look. Serge: Oh, my God, Mariah Carey!

Victoria: Why would Mariah Carey --

Serge: Mariah Carey!

We love you! Victoria: Ugh!

The assholes are wasting my time.

Serge: We fucked up. Victoria: You didfuck up.

Serge: Chinese broad like you, you deserve better.

Victoria: Serge: And we'll get you...

Victoria: Can't drink anything here,

so do you want some?

Serge: I'll take a little bit. Sure.

Gio: Don't drink it.

Serge: That's poison. Oh, yeah, that's poison.

Gio: No. No. Serge: That's poison.

Yeah, yeah, that's poison. Gio: Oh, it's burning.

Victoria: That's very expensive poison.

Serge: Ah, shit, that's roofies!

Ah! I got poison and roofies!

Gio: Oh, it's hot. Serge: Oh, it's hot, hot poison.

Wait, which would did we put the straw in the...?

Victoria: Yeah, just try 'em all.

Serge: Take the roofies to go to sleep.

Victoria: I have an open house I have to get to.

Gio: That's just terrible Chardonnay.

Victoria: But I hope we learned a lesson here.

Gio: The poison with the roofie

is kind of a good -- kind of a double whammy.

Victoria: Right. Serge: It feels kind of neat.

Victoria: Guys, next time I see you,

don't bring this bullshit.

Look how fast he went. Well, you know what?

This fucker...

I cannot pass up this opportunity

to get a little payback.

Victoria: We get each other. Hey!

Serge: Don't be a battered woman.

Don't be a battered woman.

Gio: Don't be a battered woman.

Serge: You're a cunt.

Victoria: Oh, hey, shit head.

Oh, hi. Hi. Hi.

Yeah, You little cunt. You like that?

Like that, you little cunt? I bet you do, huh?

You can't do shit. I'm so sick of you two.

Do not call me again!

Gio: Konnichiwa. Victoria: No!

Baxter: So I'm driving over two hours east

to Lake Arrowhead to give the Anti-Baxers

a little piece of my mind.

Gizzy: Anybody else need more margaritas?

Yamy: Mmm. I am so full. Gizzy:

You know what you're doing.

Brandoon: So Gizzy and I were thinking white water rafting

as a good retreat next year.

Yamy: Oh, wow.

Baxter: Hello?!

Oh, hey! Look who it is!

The Anti-Baxers!

All my exes!

Adam: I don't think he'll get through.

Yamy: I don't think he'll fit. Baxter:

Hello, everybody.

Yeah!

Oh, it's me, the worst guy!

Get that chicken patty out of here!

Gizzy: Baxter: This is a hate group.

Okay? You guys are the bullies, not me.

Yeah, you guys are wasting my time!

Brandoon, you're the worst, all right?!

You liked my family! That's weird!

Brandoon: Your mother's a treasure.

Baxter: Yamy, you wouldn't even tell my grandma

that I was straight!

I need her to think I'm straight, okay?!

Or else I'm cut out of the inheritance!

I didn't do anything that I wanted when I was with you guys!

It was all like, "Oh, let's go out for a little date night."

Stupid.

Don't slow clap.

Gizzy: Whoo! Yes! Wow!

Baxter, here you are again like some deep, dark abyss

that we all have the strength to climb out of!

Brandoon: Thank you so much

for reminding us how awful you are.

Yamy: It's crazy!

You fingered me in front of your grandmother

to prove that you were straight. Adam: Wow!

Baxter: Oh, it was like one finger.

Come on, grow up.

Adam: What you're hearing is gratitude.

If there's no villain, there's no -- no fairytale,

and if there's no fairytale, there's no happily ever after.

And I think that's where we all are now.

Yamy: Yes. Adam: So thank you.

Baxter: So I am kind of the villain or the star?

Yamy: Yeah. Baxter: So what I'm hearing is

I'm basically a celebrity and they are my fans.

Fat Adam, you look...good.

Really good. Adam: Thank you.

Baxter: And I call him fat because his dick's fat,

not because he was ever fat. Adam: Wow. Yamy: Wow.

Adam: You didn't have to share that with everybody.

Baxter: No, you've got a fat dick. It looks good.

Adam: It's a show dick. That's what you always said.

Baxter: I love this. Adam: Oh. Hey, hey, hey.

Baxter: I love this little... Brandoon: Resist, Adam. Resist.

Yamy: He's doing it. Don't do it.

Baxter: Every one of these queens

wants me back, all right?

And why wouldn't they?

Adam, come on.

Adam: I shouldn't. Gizzy: Adam?

Yamy: You're not gonna be able to fit.

Adam: You know what? I can't fit anyway.

Baxter: Lose 20 pounds and run after me.

Adam: Hey! Gizzy: Get off our lawn!

Adam: That was a close call.

I almost fell off the wagon. Gizzy: Get out of here! Scat!

Brandoon: You're a shitty person!

Just remember that! Adam: Wow.

Dean: DJ tricked me into couples therapy

with my janitor.

I do not like tricks.

I do not like my janitor.

Dean: Todd, what are you doing?!

This is for other people, this isn't for you!

What have you -- what have you done?

You've solved the unsellable property conundrum?

Todd: Yeah, you just didn't factor in loan defaults.

I'd just do it as a blind trust

and you should be able to sell that property.

Dean: No, no, but it's been impossible to sell

an undesirable property above asking price.

It's -- it's never been done!

There's only one man that could've done this.

He vanished into obscurity years ago.

A man we called...

The Closerer.

Todd: Haven't heard that name in a long time.

Dean: A closer too powerful,

he could close above the highest closer.

More than a closer...

a Closerer.

Todd?

Todd: Yeah, well, that ain't me no more.

Dean: Where did you go? Whydid you go?

Todd: It was a crazy time, year of the aughts.

Bush vs. Gore, 9/11,

Nickelback.

Things were different back then.

Todd: Why don't you become a broker for Platinum?

Todd: Game's changed, man.

It's not the real-estate market I used to work in.

Used to be all about the money, then somewhere along the way,

it became about the people. That's when I got out.

Dean: Todd, you're -- You're wasted as a janitor.

You're also a terrible one.

If you join me as a broker,

together we could rule and sell the world!

Todd: You need to trust what you have.

You need to let me be a janitor.

And you -- you be a closerer.

Dean:

I cannot help but respect a man who knows himself.

You be a janitor, Todd.

But be a better janitor than you are,

because you're not good. Todd: I'm not doing a great job.

Dean: Do a better job. Todd: Okay. Keep leaving

some of these equations around for me to solve?

Dean: Well, here's a problem you can solve --

The overflowing trash cans and clogged toilets in this office.

See if your beautiful mind can...

work your way around a plunger.

Dean: Well, then, um...

get back to work.

Todd: How do you like them apples?

Dean: What's that?

Todd: I left some apples on your desk.

Dean: I like them. Todd: Good.