Original subtitles

Leatha: Potted plants.

How to improve your curb appeal.

We like to have fun!

Welcome back to "The Real Estate Show."

I'm your host, Leatha Benet.

And we're with Dean Rosedragon

after a shocking announcement

that you will be returning

to the real-estate game as a broker.

Dean: I've decided...

I will return to the company I founded

in the same way that I founded it -- as a broker.

-Leatha: Wow. -Dean: Just me surviving

on my wits and skill.

-When I started Platinum... -Leatha: Yes.

Dean: ...it was one office that I rented...

-Leatha: Oh, God. -Dean: ...a rotary phone...

-Leatha: No. -Dean: ...a Rolodex

with three names in it.

Leatha: Who were the names?

Dean: The three names were Richard Dawson,

-the host of "Family Feud"... -Leatha: "Family Feud."

Dean: ...George Schultz, former Secretary of State,

and a very young...

Leatha: Leatha Benet.

Dean: That's right. And you.

I sold you your first house.

Leatha: I was 7 years old at the time.

-Dean: -Leatha: I was fresh off

-a Pudding Pops commercial... -Dean: That's right.

Leatha: ...and you bought me my first piece of real estate...

-Dean: That's correct. -Leatha: ...which is now

a very successful Pinkberry.

Dean: And I understand your parents

still live in the back room.

Leatha: They do. They're makin' the fixin's.

Dean: Hmm.

Leatha: Your legitimate son, DJ, and I

-spoke before this interview. -Dean: Oh, is that so?

Leatha: And he claims that you've,

"aged out of real estate."

Do you have a response to that?

Dean: The idea that anyone can age

out of the real-estate business is absurd

because,of course, buildings are old.

Leatha: That's true.

Glenn: Today is an exciting day.

I'm showing a Beverly Hills mansion to a Bulgarian prince.

Borislav: This is fabulous. Fabulous.

You shall open the door for me now, please.

-Glenn: Oh. Of course. -Borislav: Thank you.

-Glenn: I'm sorry. -Borislav: You know,

if you've never been around a royal,

you get very, you know, nervous or whatever.

That's understanding.

But the main thing is, I don't like this house.

I lovethis house.

-Glenn: Oh. Boy. -Borislav: This is fabulous.

And mumsy's never going to find out, right?

-Glenn: No. -Borislav: Yes.

And you're never going to tell Chavdar

about this little situation we have.

-Glenn: Chavdar? I don't... -Borislav: Chavdar.

You know, Chavdar. Chavdar. Royal handler.

You don't know much about Bulgaria, do you?

Glenn: I really don't.

Let me get this straight.

There's Chavdar, the royal handler,

and then I'm assuming that mumsy is the queen?

Borislav: But you have a slappable face.

Glenn: Thank you.

Borislav: I don't hate you,

but I don't like you.

But you're a useful person to me.

As long as you do exactly what I say...

Don't maintain eye contact this length of time.

Occasionally look away.

When you're with a royal person,

you don't just stare at them

like you're some dog looking for a biscuit.

Look around the room. Look at other things.

Don't just look at me. Very good.

All right, now you're a little too self-conscious.

Relax. Bend your left knee slightly.

There. Relax.

You're at ease, as you would say

in those Marine movies.

Glenn: This is actually very helpful.

Borislav: I'm going to buy this house, and I'm so excited.

And mumsy is not going to know.

And it's all mine.

-Glenn: Yes. -Borislav: Fantastic.

Glenn: It's $15 million,

in the heart of Beverly Hills.

-Borislav: $15 million. -Glenn: Pristine condition.

I can show you the rest of the property

-if you'd like to see it. -Borislav: Yes, I would.

I would like to see it very much.

Glenn: Let's start this way. It's gorgeous.

Borislav: And look at this! Look at this!

-Glenn: It's a beautiful room. -Borislav: Look at my house!

Look what I did! Look!

Ohhh! Love!

I love it! It's fantastic.

Glenn: It can be yours.

Borislav: What you mean "Can be yours"?

Why are you such a sourpuss?

I'm buying a house for the first time in my life.

Glenn: As soon as this is done, I'm going to call mymumsy

and tell her that her Glennovere

sold a house to a genuine prince.

Well, you know, I think mumsy

will really enjoy seeing you live here.

Borislav: Yes. Yes, mumsy will. Mumsy has her ideas.

Mumsy has things that she says and thinks about the mumsy.

Mumsy would be...

I am doing this on my own,

and I'm not going to give in

to any pressure from mumsy!

If mumsy is upset, then she can stay upset!

But she's scary sometimes to me!

Gah! Gah!

Gah!

Gah!

You didn't think I'd do that last one, did you?

Glenn: I really didn't.

This sale is going to be

more difficult than I thought.

Chelsea: I'm meeting with my Wisdometrics coach Robin today.

Wisdometrics is an enlightened lifestyle

and business religion.

I just have a few, like, questions about the process.

-Robin: Hey. -Chelsea: Oh, hey.

Robin: Sorry I am late.

Chelsea: Oh, no worries.

Robin: I had to retake Level 12,

which is a very expensive level to take and then...

So because of that, I can't get gas

-until Saturday, so... -Chelsea: Oh.

Robin: ...I have to, like, coast down the hills

and only make right-hand turns,

so it's just like a....

-like a maze trying to get here. -Chelsea: Oh, yeah.

Robin: Yeah. It was really rough.

-You guys validate? -Chelsea:

That's so hilarious. Um...

Yeah, thank you for coming down.

-Robin: Did you already eat? -Chelsea: Uh, yeah, I ate lunch.

-Robin: Oh, okay. Great. -Chelsea: It's 4:00 p.m.

-Robin: Yeah. -Chelsea: Did you eat?

Robin: I will.

Chelsea:

Um, I just kind of had some questions about, um, Level 5,

-specifically Level 5-B. -Robin: Okay.

Chelsea: I've been loving all of the levels so far,

and it seems like 5-B kind of negates

some of the things we learned in 5-A.

Robin: You have, like, a -- you keep like, a muffin

in your desk or something, that you could just...

Chelsea: Um, I actually don't have any --

Robin: Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it. I'll think of something.

Chelsea: So I was just wondering if I really need to take it

or if maybe I can just skip to 6.

Robin:

Oh, boy, are you new! You're so new!

You can't just skip to 6, okay?

-Chelsea: Yeah. You're right. -Robin: It's like a vine, okay?

And a vine twists and turns, but it always finds the sun.

Chelsea: That's -- Wow. I'm gonna write that one down.

Robin is incredible.

You know, before, I was like, what?

And then after that vine metaphor,

I was like, oh.

So you told me that I was gonna get

daily affirmation phone calls from you.

And I think I got one yesterday...

-Robin: Mm-hmm. -Chelsea: ...but when

I picked up the phone, it just sounded

like a very small boy crying.

Robin: That was me. Chelsea: Oh!

Robin: Full disclosure. Chelsea: Oh, gosh.

Robin: When I weep, um, I really take it back to my youth.

That's why you hear, like, the high-pitched and the...

You got to really cry. So, um --

Chelsea: 'Cause it sort of sounded like

maybe you had pocket di-- Like, it was muffled.

And I heard you shouting another man's name.

-Robin: Yes. -Chelsea: "Rodolfo. Rodolfo."

-Robin: Yes. -Chelsea: And then you saying,

"I don't owe you that money, Rodolfo."

Robin: Right, right, right, right, right. Right.

So we all have a Rodolfo, right?

And I was uh, just invoking mine at that point.

He's my landlord, but at the time,

I was really just saying,

"Rodolfo, I don't -- I don't owe you that money!

I don't, man! I-I-I-I'll get it to you!"

The point is, who is your Rodolfo...

-Chelsea: Oof. -Robin: ...and when are you

going to answer that phone call?

Chelsea:

Robin: How to stay alive.

Chelsea: Well, we actually have a, um --

There's a sandwich guy that comes around.

Oh. His name's Barl.

Okay.

Dean: After I appeared on "The Real Estate Show,"

my phone started ringing,

and it hasn't stopped.

Everybody wants me to represent them.

No, the way to tell if it's a true Fabergé egg is,

you crack it open, and inside, there's a Fabergé yolk.

I showed a property in Bel Air to my client, Anglia Marfa.

She's ready to make an offer,

which I am about to present

to the seller's broker, Quistian Gayle.

Let the negotiations begin.

Quistian: What's a four-letter word for "dog"?

Dean: Is it a breed of dog?

Quistian: I don't know. I didn't write the crossword.

Let me just put "Dean" in and see what happens.

Dean: I assumed you were finishing

a communication of some sort.

I didn't realize you were doing a crossword puzzle.

Quistian: I'm communicating with my brain.

Dean: Why don't you and I communicate with one another?

Quistian: Okay. Start it off. What do you want?

Dean: How much are you looking to sell the house for?

-Quistian: $100 million. -Dean: That seems high.

Quistian: Okay. What's your counter?

Dean: Well, the house is valued around $29 million.

-Quistian: Okay. -Dean: So my counter

would be $25 million.

Quistian: Cool. I'm gonna bring it up to $150 million.

Dean: You seem to be going the other way.

-Quistian: Sure. -Dean: Traditionally

in negotiations, we meet in the middle.

This is...

Quistian: You're right. Sorry.

Give me another number. Sorry.

Dean: $25.5 million.

Quistian: $200 million.

Dean: Okay.

Something about this Quistian fellow

is familiar to me.

Quistian...

Quistian: Are you saying "question" or "Quistian"?

Dean: I'm saying Quistian. It's your name.

Quistian: Pronounce the "I."

-Dean: Quistian. -Quistian: Thanks.

-Dean: Question. -Quistian: What?

Dean: Why are you behaving this way?

Quistian: You killed my father.

-Dean: I beg your pardon? -Quistian: You killed my father.

You negotiated my father to death.

Dean: What was his name?

Quistian: Kuma. Kuma Gayle.

Dean: Ooh. Would this have been 1997?

Quistian: Yes.

Dean: 5 bedrooms, 5 1/2 baths,

5,200 square feet...

Mount Olympus?

Phew. I remember that.

Of course.

The sniveling little boy in the corner.

I didn't recognize him without hearing

those plaintive cries of, "Daddy, please wake up!"

Death is always around the corner,

and what better way to go out

than locked in mortal combat of numbers?

Quistian: Why'd you take off his clothes after he died?

Dean: To honor him.

Quistian: How does that honor him?

I'm in the corner, and you said,

"Look at this," and you took off all of his clothes.

Dean: Yes, and I folded them neatly

-beside him... -Quistian: Right.

Dean: ...leaving the family to dress him

for burial or cremation.

Quistian: Why did you write your name on his chest?

Dean: As a tribute.

Quistian: To you?

Dean: To the gods of negotiation, my friend.

Quistian: Why'd you slap his dick and say,

"This is mine now"?

Dean: That was just for me.

Quistian: Okay.

Dean: Quistian.

Quistian: Did you say "question" or "Quistian"?

Dean: Every time, I'm saying Quistian.

Every single time.

Quistian: Of course.

Dean: You could be a man like your father.

Quistian: Don't say that. Don't say that.

Dean: And you could be the one who negotiates

someone else to death.

Quistian: That's why I'm here.

That's why I'm on this Earth. I don't know what day.

I don't know when the time is. But there's gonna be a moment...

Dean: Mm-hmm.

Quistian: ...when I negotiate you to death.

And when I do, I'm gonna take off your clothes,

I'm gonna fold them neatly next to your body,

I'm gonna write "Quistian" on your chest,

and I'm gonna slap your dick just for me.

Dean: Hey, that's my move.

Chelsea: I can't move up to the next level

until I recruit three new people,

so that's what I'm doing today,

and Robin is helping me.

Hey, guys. I just want to thank you

for coming out to hear about something

that's close to my heart --

-Wisdometrics... -Robin:

Chelsea: ...the personal-development technology

that we've all been waiting for.

Robin: Did you guys order food?

Does anybody smell food? I smell it.

Chelsea: Wisdometrics has literally saved my life.

You all knew me before.

-I was like a rat... -Victoria: Ew.

Chelsea: ...just lying on the ground,

waiting to be squashed.

Robin: Looking for something to eat.

Chelsea: And now I am alive, I'm bright,

I'm better than ever,

and my career is skyrocketing.

Let me tell you how it works.

One person, right now me,

tells three of my friends about Wisdometrics.

In return, they hand me a cashier's check,

or cash in an envelope, for $50.

Then each of those three people go out

and find three of their friends or coworkers...

-Victoria: What? -Chelsea: ...and those people

give those three people $100

in preferably a cashier's check,

only because the cash starts to get messy.

Andrew: Yeah, my Uncle Lawrence did this.

This is like selling the soap -- multi-level marketing.

-This is a pyramid scheme. -Chelsea and Robin: Ooh!

-Robin: No, no, no, no! -Chelsea: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! -Victoria: That's what it is.

Robin: It's not a pyramid -- Victoria: It's a pyramid scheme.

-Robin: It's not a pyramid. -Chelsea: No. Look.

-Look. Okay. One person. -Robin: Right.

-Chelsea: Three people. -Robin: And then

-some more under here. -Andrew: That's a pyramid.

-Chelsea: This is a triangle. -Robin: It's a triangle.

-Chelsea: This is a triangle. -Robin: It's a triangle.

-Baxter: It's a triangle scheme. -Andrew: Triangle scheme.

Chelsea: It's not a scheme! It's a field-tested

set of mind mathematics that leads to enlightenment.

Imagine the Ancient Egyptians.

They knew that this was the strongest shape,

-and they built them all over. -Victoria: Pyramids.

-Robin: The Great Triangles. -Chelsea: Triangle! Ooh.

Andrew: Aliens built the Great Triangles.

-Chelsea: Victoria. -Victoria: Yes.

-Chelsea: Let's try something. -Victoria: Sure.

Chelsea: Hey, girl. Nice dress.

Victoria: Oh, thank you. Actually, uh, I got it --

Chelsea: Do you wish you were a better version of yourself?

Victoria: No, I have no room for personal growth.

My therapist, who is also my godfather,

told me that I reached perfection at the age of 12.

I was also engaged to him for a brief time.

When I was 17 1/2. Don't make it dirty!

-Chelsea: Ugh. Oh, gosh. -Robin: Mnh.

-Robin: What a heavy weight. -Chelsea: Yes.

Victoria: To be so perfect? Thank you.

Chelsea: Let's switch gears.

Robin, would you like to do the honors?

Robin: It would be my pleasure.

Chelsea: Baxter, please come forward

and allow us to clarify you

using our assessment clarification machine.

The assessment clarification machine

is a legitimate tool to measure biofeedback

and, like, general state of mind.

What are you wearing today?

Are you wearing some kind of like, repellent?

Baxter: I'm wearing sexier underwear than I usually do.

-Chelsea: Baxter! -Baxter: What?

Chelsea: Baxter, stand up straight!

Robin: Say any letter.

-Baxter: "B." -Robin: Not that one.

Chelsea: Oh, God damn it! Okay, close your eyes!

Be better at this.

Baxter: I don't understand the rules.

Chelsea: Don't shout at me!

Robin: Stop trying to understand it

and just let it happen to you!

Chelsea: Suck in your fucking gut!

Don't -- Close your mouth! Don't grimace!

-Robin: Stand up straight! -Chelsea: Fix your hair!

-Robin: He sucks at this. -Chelsea: God damn it.

-You are the worst! -Robin: You suck at this!

-I'm sorry. -Chelsea: Sit down.

Robin: I'm sorry. You can't.

Baxter: Shit. Robin: He's not ready.

Chelsea: Next. Next.

Baxter: I didn't understand the rules.

Robin: And you know what?

The fact that you're looking for rules

just shows that you weren't ready.

Andrew: I'm ready.

Robin: All right. Let's see here.

Andrew: This one and this one.

-Are your hands on the sensors? -Yeah.

Robin: Let me turn it off, turn it back on.

Andrew: I can squeeze tight.

Baxter: No, start it over, start it over.

Victoria: Yeah, he's squeezing his butt very tight.

Does that affect it?

Robin: Yeah, let's do it with a loose butt.

Chelsea: Do it with a loose butt. Just loosen it.

-Take a deep breath. -Andrew:

And tell me, is there any --

-God. No, there's nothing. -Andrew: Nothing?

Chelsea: It's like a flat line of brain activity.

-Baxter: Wow. -Andrew: I win.

Robin: I mean, it's doing more now that he let go of it.

Baxter: I wish we could play "Catch Phrase"

'cause I don't get the rules of that.

But if the object is being almost dead...

Victoria: I like "Catch Phrase." I'll play "Catch Phrase."

Chelsea: Seems like we have our work cut out

-for us here, Robin. -Robin: Oh, boy.

Chelsea: Well, that didn't go the way I wanted it to.

But thankfully, Robin is more than willing

to come back every day around lunch time.

Glenn: I am this close to selling a Beverly Hills estate

to the Prince of Bulgaria,

if only he would stop crying about his mumsy!

-Are you okay? -Borislav: I am so scared.

Don't touch. Don't touch.

Glenn: I didn't -- Are you okay?

Borislav: I'm doing something so brave.

I am going against the entire crown of Bulgaria,

doing something on my own, something you've never done.

For you, something brave is, like, a new pair of shoes.

For you, shaving is like the gold medal of life.

Meeting God himself is like a handkerchief that matches.

That's all your life is. I have a big life.

You have a little life.

No offense, but you're not very important.

Quick impression of you. I'll be a mirror.

Glenn: Okay.

-Borislav: You're dead inside. -Glenn: That's very good.

Borislav: You're like a dim light bulb.

There's nothing home. You're literally nothing.

You're not even really a person.

You're afraid to be a person.

Glenn: Well, I disagree that I'm afraid to be a "pahhrson,"

but I understand what he's saying.

I need to learn more about him.

You know, I was looking up a little bit about

-the royal family of Bulgaria... -Borislav: All right.

Glenn: ...and you're not mentioned.

It's only Prince Blugar.

Borislav: Prince Blugar?!

Everybody loves Prince Blugar

with his handsome man and his handsome jaw

-and his handsome face... -Glenn: No.

Borislav: ...and his handsome hair.

You're obsessed with him!

Glenn: I'm not obsessed with him.

Calm down. Just have some candy. I-I-I'm sorry.

Borislav: Candy. Candy. I do like candy.

Yeah. I always have enjoyed candy,

but it was scarce in the palace of Bulgaria.

Glenn: He ate three bowls of candy

and at least seven wrappers... that I saw.

But the deal is done.

And now we just have to wait for the royal wire transfer.

Dean: In a twist of Jungian synchronicity,

Quistian Gayle, the son of a man I negotiated to death,

represents the home that my client wants to buy.

Quistian: Today is the day I get my revenge.

Dean: Is that so?

Quistian: Today's the day you shall be negotiated to death.

Dean: You have to understand. It's the way things are done.

This is high-stakes negotiating.

Quistian: Then let's negotiate at high stakes.

How much do you want it for?

Dean: Let's say...

26.

Quistian: 34.

-Dean: 22. -Quistian: 33.

-Dean: 20. -Quistian: 29.

Dean: The actual worth of the house.

"Price is Right" rules -- $1.

What's it to be, Quistian?

Quistian: 28.

Dean: 50 cents.

Quistian: 27.

Dean: A stick of gum.

Quistian: 24.

Dean: What do I have in my pocket?

Quistian: What do you have in your pocket?

Dean: What has it gots in its pocketses?

Quistian: What does it has in its pocketses?

Dean: String.

Quistian: One piece of string?

Dean: One piece of string.

Counter offer?

Quistian: Two pieces of string.

Dean: I don't want... I don't want s--

I'm not trying to get string.

Quistian: Of course.

Dean: So monetarily, your counter offer would be...?

Quistian: $20 million for the house.

Dean: Done.

I'm accepting your offer.

Quistian: Come and get it.

-Dean: A handshake? -Quistian: Yes.

Dean: That's two generations of Gayles

I have defeated on the battlefield.

The prophecy is coming true.

Glenn: When is this royal accountant

going to call with the money transfer?

Prince Borislav is hopped up on candy

and acting like a maniac.

Glenn: Okay. It's not your property yet.

Borislav: Get out!

Glenn: You haven't bought the house yet, okay?

This is not befitting behavior for a prince! You are -- Hey!

Borislav: I love it! I love it! I love it! I love it!

Glenn: Hey! Listen to me! Listen to me!

Would your brother Blugar act like this, huh?

-Borislav: Blugar! -Glenn: This is not --

Borislav: I don't want to hear about Blugar!

You know that hurts my feelings.

-Glenn: Okay, well -- -Borislav: Please don't

mention Blugar in here!

Man: Enough!

Borislav, you will heel!

Borislav: What the...

Man: Down!

You will come back to Bulgaria right now.

Glenn: I'm sorry. Who are you?

Chavdar: You'll be quiet. I am Chavdar.

I handle the royal Prince. You come back.

Glenn: So this is the "Chavdar,"

or "Havdar," I've been hearing about.

He's scary. Hi. I'm Glenn.

I'm just trying to sell his majesty this house.

Chavdar: He will not be buying the house.

We are done here. Come.

Borislav: Can -- Can Glenn come with us?

He's my best friend.

Chavdar: You will come with us to Bulgaria.

Glenn: No, I'm afraid I can't do that.

I have a life here.

Chavdar: Do you want American money or Bulgarian money?

Glenn: I really can't. I want to sell this house that --

Chavdar: Then you will keep quiet.

Hmm. Wait a minute.

Glenn: Yes?

Aah.

Chavdar: He has a very slappable face.

Borislav: He does have a slappble face.

Oh, goodness. Is mumsy -- She talk about me?

Chavdar: She talk about you all the time. We miss you so.

Borislav: Oh. So she's not too mad

because I buy house in America?

Chavdar: She could never be mad at her babushka.

She love you!

Dean: I just made a sale,

and I'm going to go gloat to my son

in my office -- his office. Ugh.

Ugh.

DJ: I've redecorated.

The only thing I kept was the chess board

because I look cool gloating behind it.

Dean: Oh.

Hello, DJ.

DJ: Papa.

Dean: You mind if I sit in this "chair?"

DJ: It's designed for comfort.

-Dean: Is it? -DJ: So I'd rather you not...

...'cause I'm the new boss.

Dean: It seems as if that's made you

rather uncomfortable yourself.

-DJ:

Dean: This battle for supremacy,

it's just wearying.

DJ: My eyes hurt. My eyebrows hurt.

My forehead hurts. My mouth hurts.

It's all hurts, Papa.

Dean: Normally when I'm in a feud with someone,

assassination is not just an option,

it's the main goal.

But because DJ is my flesh and blood,

death is not an option.

This is a conundrum.

-Do you know what I wish? -DJ: What?

Dean: I wish I could just kill you, just --

DJ:

Dean: ...just sneak up behind you and slit your throat.

DJ: Yeah? I wish I just got into your car, cut the brakes.

You go down a fast hill,

somebody honking behind you,

you think you'll be able to brake in time,

but no, you go straight off a cliff.

-Dean: Then it's over. -DJ: Then it's all over.

Dean: I mean, we could do a, uh, classic foot race, 26 miles.

DJ: "Classic."

Ooh, we can just do an NFL combine.

Dean: What is that?

DJ: It's where you test your skills

as a NFL football player.

Dean: And you do it atop a combine?

DJ: Huh? It's called a combine.

Dean: Oh! Oil-painting challenge.

Each of us must replicate

one of the classic Flemish masters

just from memory.

DJ: Is it coconut oil or olive oil?

Dean: Oh, it's -- It's oil paint.

DJ: What's in it? I'm Paleo.

Dean: Well, you're not going to eat the paint, are you, son?

Ooh, don't eat paint

unless it gives me control of the company.

DJ: Hmm.

I wish I'd known I could just feed you paint.

This is going nowhere fast,

and I have an appointment to have my beard conditioned.

DJ and I must put a pin in this.

Son, why don't we get together

for lunch tomorrow and discuss this?

I'm sure we can come to some agreement.

DJ: Okay, okay. Um...

-Outback Steakhouse. -Dean: Chili's.

DJ: Outback Steakhouse.

Dean: It is Chili's or nothing!

DJ: I want all my shrimp off a barbie.

Dean: I want my baby back, baby back, baby back.

No deal!