Original subtitles

Narrator: Previously on

"Bajillion Dollar Propertie$"...

Dean: The people still ask,

"What's next for

Dean Rosedragon?"

[ Bird caws ]

I am going to write

the story of my life.

Letha: And he is here

with a new book.

Dean: "Sidewalks Made

of People"...

Letha: Ooh.

Dean: ..."The Legacy

of Dean Rosedragon."

In my stead,

my legitimate son, DJ.

Victoria: So this means we won't

ever have to see Glenn again?

DJ: That's my bro

from a different mo-po.

Dean: Victoria.

[ Laughter ]

DJ: And now you got

a smile, like that.

Dean: I am going to hold

a contest to see which of you

will write the foreword

to my autobiography.

Victoria: Dean's

book foreword is mine!

Letha: All right.

This launch party will be held

at the house of your editor,

Gwentolyn Swanson,

who I know from

various alcohol circles.

Gwentolyn: Dr. Bermom's got me

on the wine cleanse.

Dean: The person writing

the foreword...

Chelsea: Oh, my God!

Oh, no!

Andrew: Dean!

DJ: Papa?

Chelsea: It's only been

a day since Dean collapsed,

but it feels like

an eternity.

I mean, no one

knows what's going on.

We're all freaking out.

Glenn: DJ's called a meeting,

and we just want to know

what's happening.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Amir: Can you just tell us?!

Andrew: Please, DJ,

you have to trust us.

Victoria: What if he dies

without ever professing

his love to me?

Andrew: Why isn't anybody

asking if he's contagious?

Are we all going to die?

Amir: Yeah, and who gets

his parking spot

in an event like this?

He never told us!

He never told us!

DJ: Guys, guys

[inhales deeply] breathe.

Everyone is very upset,

and it's my job to give it

to them straight

and let them know

I have their backs.

[ Relieved sighing ]

Okay, now I hate to be

the bearer of bad news.

Glenn: Bad news?!

Chelsea: What?!

DJ: Everything is fine.

Chelsea: Okay, thank God.

DJ: But...

All: But?!

Chelsea: Why would

you say, "But"?

DJ: Let me finish.

Chelsea: Finish?

Dean's finished?

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Andrew:

Are you saying he's finished?!

Dean is like a father to me.

Baxter: I never think about it

before, but me too.

Victoria: Relax, okay, I'm sure

that DJ is just about to tell us

that Dean is okay, right?

DJ: He is in a coma.

Which is when you're asleep

and you can't wake up.

Chelsea: What?!

Glenn: Next to my mommy,

Dean is the only family I have.

I can't handle this.

No, no!

Andrew: That's horrible!

Glenn: Have you ever

seen Dean sleep?

DJ: Yes.

Glenn: It's so beautiful.

[ Sobs ]

Chelsea: Oh!

Andrew: You made Baxter

ugly-cry!

Victoria:

We're going to be okay.

Amir: Oh, yeah. Who gets

the parking spot?

???

As you know, I created

a ride-share service, Yaghoober.

It's just like Uber,

but instead of a random creep

picking you up, it's always me.

I had a drop-off

near Dean's house and figured

I'd check in on the old man.

[ Monitor beeping ]

DJ: Yeah, there we go.

There it is.

Whoop.

Amir: [ Clears throat ]

DJ: Oh, my God.

Amir, you here

to visit papa, huh?

Ugh, DJ's here,

probably dropping off a bag of

"good vibes" for his dad.

DJ: You can hold me, you know,

just 'cause

I'm going through a...

Amir: No, I'm good.

This is Gucci.

DJ: Open the jacket.

I'll go inside the jacket.

Amir: It was good

seeing you, DJ.

DJ: Hey, I love seeing you.

And thank you for being here.

I wish I could stay

and look after papa,

but his book release party

must go on as a tribute to him.

Amir: Hey, Dean, uh,

I never thought this day

would come, man.

I thought that we were

going to work together

until I took over the company

and then you worked for me

and then I'd get to

treat you like shit.

But it never came down

to that, did it?

I wanted to read you

my favorite lyrics from a

Pitbull song.

I think it's really

appropriate for the moment.

"I got the green light, Miami,

and you know what that means,

that we can do anything --

anything that you dream.

I want to make you ooh, ah

till you scream,

and I practice what I preach

if you know what I mean.

I'm about that Miami.

I'm about all those deejays."

Dean! Dean, oh, my God!

I brought you back

from the coma!

Dean?

Uh, Dean, look. Dean...

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

I brought you back

from the coma.

Oh, my God.

Was it the line

about the deejay?

Dude, I love deejays, too!

I woke Dean up, me!

I mean, I knew I was special,

but I didn't know

I heal people and shit.

I'm going to take him

to his book release party,

and I'm going to be a hero!

We have to get to the book

release party now, Dean!

Come on!

Ugh, you don't need this oxygen.

Come on.

Dean: [ Mumbles indistinctly ]

Amir: Okay.

Dean: Aaaah!

[ Groans ]

Amir: Come on!

Come on!

Come on, Dean!

Dean's heavier than

I thought, and I do Crossfit.

Okay, Dean.

Dean: [ Groans ]

Amir: [ Groans ]

We'll get there real quick.

Dean: Pain! Pain!

Pain!

Amir: Oh, there's a wheelchair.

Hold on a second.

???

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Chelsea: It might seem weird

that we're having this party

without Dean, but DJ insisted

his dad would want it this way.

Baxter: Dean was supposed

to announce

who won the book foreword

when he just collapsed.

Andrew: I bet DJ's

going to announce it here.

Victoria: Underneath that

black cloth

is the cover of Dean's book,

and I bet the bottom will say,

"Foreword by Victoria King."

Gwentolyn: You were

asking about Dean.

Of course

our hearts go out to him.

We're concerned.

I'm hopeful that,

even if this ended in a death,

which, of course,

dear God above or whoever,

whomever you worship,

um, uh,

I think there'd be

a silver lining

because, um, dead authors

are hot right now.

I've got to say, you know,

people still talk about

"To Kill a Mockingbird."

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Victoria: Of course I don't want

to think about Dean dying.

But if he does, I need

to make sure I have a plan.

Hi, is this Shelby

from Tip-Top Realty?

Shelby: Yes.

Victoria: Hi, yes,

thank you for taking my call.

I was just wondering,

for no reason at all,

if you were taking any oker-ays.

Shelby: Pardon me?

Victoria: Osition-ays for --

Shelby: Huh?

Victoria: I'm trying to --

Shelby: I'm not understanding.

Victoria: Osition-ays

for oker-ay...

Shelby: Huh?

Victoria: Positions --

positions for brokers...

Shelby: Oh.

Victoria: ...is what I'm saying.

Shelby: Oh -- oh, yes.

Not sure.

Victoria: Okay, great.

Yes, well, you just --

you just let me know, again,

for no reason at all,

just wanting to figure out

what's going on

at Tip-Top Realty.

Shelby: Okay, bye.

Victoria: All right, thank you.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

DJ: I'll take one.

Andrew: All right.

DJ: Thank you.

Thank you.

I needed that.

I needed it.

Thank you, brother.

Andrew: All right.

Brother.

DJ: Brother.

Not related brothers,

but...

Andrew: Dean is my daddy,

and I just decided

that DJ is my brother.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Baxter: I can't believe Glenn's

not here to find out

who ended up getting

to write the book foreword.

Chelsea: I know.

I can't believe

these are vegan.

They're do good.

Baxter: That's not vegan.

Chelsea: What?

Baxter:

That's a turkey meatball.

Chelsea: No --

no, this is vegan.

Baxter: No, it's turkey.

Chelsea: I've been eating

this for, like, 10 minutes.

Baxter: Yeah, it's awesome.

Chelsea: Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I thought these were vegan.

I haven't eaten

meat in like six years.

Baxter: Relax.

Chelsea: No,

you don't understand.

It's really important to me.

Dean's in a coma.

I just broke

my meat sobriety!

Up is down, down is up!

Why is the world

so god damn crazy right now?

This isn't vegan?

I ate three of these!

Baxter: Do you not know

what food looks like?

That's a cheeseburger.

Chelsea: They make

very convincing dupes.

Sorry, ma'am.

Baxter: You're fine, all right.

Just have fun off the wagon.

Chelsea: No, I got

to call my sponsor.

This is a betrayal.

Ah, God damn it,

does it feel paranoid in here?

Oh!

How am I going to call

my sponsor without a phone?

Why did I give up technology?

Damn these addictions!

???

Glenn: I'm too upset to go

to Dean's book release party.

He worked his whole life,

and then this?

There's got

to be something more!

[ Sobbing ]

[ Vacuum cleaner whirring ]

[ Sobbing continues ]

Glenn: No!

[ Vacuum cleans turns off ]

Todd: You want to talk about it?

Glenn: Yeah.

Todd: Have a seat.

Glenn: Hey, this is my office.

Todd: What can Todd do for you?

Glenn: [ Sighs ]

I've got nothing

in this world,

and I feel terrible

all day and night.

Todd: I'll tell you

a story about a man.

Let's call him Rodd,

with two Ds.

Glenn: Is it you?

Todd: Yeah, it's me.

Glenn: You can just

call him Todd.

Todd: So Rodd's at home.

He looks in his fridge,

and there's nothing in there

but, uh, soy sauce packets.

So he decides

to go down the street,

to the Bubba-Gump Shrimp Company

and eat leftovers

that they haven't

cleared yet off the tables.

You ever been

to a Bubba-Gump Shrimp?

Glenn: No.

Todd: Oh, man, it's fantastic.

They got all kinds

of shrimp there.

Glenn: Uh-huh.

Todd: You know,

shrimp jambalaya...

Glenn: I know.

Todd: ...shrimp Creole...

Glenn: I know about

the restaurant.

Todd: ...barbecue shrimp...

Glenn: I know what

the restaurant's deal is.

Todd: ...popcorn shrimp...

Glenn: Yeah, I get it.

Todd: ...shrimp scampi...

Glenn: I saw the movie.

Todd: ...lemon shrimp...

Glenn: Mm-hmm.

Jumbo shrimp?

Todd: Yeah, they're good-sized.

Anyway, I'd made my way through

the left side of the menu

when I noticed the spiciest dish

in the restaurant

sitting right across

the room from me.

Glenn: The shrimp with hot sauce

or shrimp in jalapenos?

Todd: No, it's a girl,

you dipshit.

Glenn: Oh.

Todd: So I go over, say hi.

She's drinking

a "Rum, Forrest, Rum,"

I buy her

a "Lieutenant Dan-hattan,"

then we move on

to a "Gin-nay Tonic."

Glenn: So you had her drink rum,

then whiskey, then gin?

Todd: Don't think about it

so much.

Glenn: But you shouldn't mix

all that kind of liquor.

It's gonna --

Todd: Anyway,

we're hitting it off.

She's laughing at my jokes.

I'm nodding with feigned

interest at her hobbies.

To make a long story short,

we just start

projectile vomiting,

projectile out the other end,

you know, real

double-dragon situation.

It was ugly.

Glenn: Mm-hmm.

Todd: You know, real bad.

We didn't want

to leave the table, though,

because we had just

locked in eye contact.

We had had that

connection, you know.

Glenn: Sure.

Todd: When you bond

with somebody like that,

when you can see

somebody at their worst

and still have room

for love in your heart --

because, to cut to the end,

that woman is now my wife.

Glenn: Well,

congratulations, Todd,

but that's just not

going to happen for me.

All right?

Todd: Not with that attitude!

Glenn: It's not attitude.

It's circumstance.

It's who I am.

Look at me.

Look at my life.

No one wants this.

Todd: That girl, your Jenn-ay,

she could be at Bubba-Gump

right now waiting for you.

You going to go find her?

Glenn: I -- I want to.

I just don't think she exists.

Todd: She does.

Your soul mate,

she's waiting for you.

And she's ready.

Now, you go buy her a drink.

Glenn: All right.

Todd: Run, Glenn, run...

to her.

Glenn: Okay, Todd.

Todd: She's out there.

Glenn: Thanks, Todd.

Todd: All right.

Glenn: All right.

Todd: Get out of my office.

Glenn: Todd, it's my office,

and those are my notes.

So I really

don't appreciate that.

You got to go.

I -- I need to...

Todd: All right.

Glenn: Thanks.

Todd: You want to go

to Bubba-Gump Shrimp with me?

Glenn: I -- I don't. I'm

allergic to shellfish.

Todd: Okay. This was

a great talk.

Glenn: You know, Todd is right.

There has to be

a woman out there for me.

[ Southern accent ]

My mama always said

life is like

a box of chocolates.

You never know

what you're gonna get.

[ Normal voice ]

So use a condom.

???

Chelsea: I'm back on meat.

It has taken over,

and it is all that I want.

So I am basically a wolf now.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Don't worry about it.

It's okay. I'm already off

the wagon, so it doesn't matter

if I keep going because my

co-sponsors are not

going to say,

"How much meat did you eat?"

They're just going

to be like, "Did you eat meat?"

I'm going to be like, "Yeah."

Andrew: I am

so worried about Dean.

I feel like I haven't been in

the sort -- Is this --

is this open-bar?

Baxter: Yeah.

Andrew: All right. Yeah.

Baxter: It's great, right?

Andrew: Let's do this. Let's

play, uh, "Invent a Drink."

Baxter: Oh, "Invent a Drink"

is the best.

Andrew: You make up

the name of the drink,

and the other person

says what's in it.

Baxter: And then you drink it,

and then you black out.

Andrew: A Rusty

High School Morning.

Baxter: Okay,

I want some Capri-Sun,

a Lunchable, and vodka.

Andrew: Yeah.

Baxter: The Burnt-Out Cowboy.

Andrew: Uh, generic Kahl�a,

soda water,

a half of a Sam Adams

cherry port

drank out of a woman's boot.

Baxter: We have to have that

in a woman's boot, please.

Andrew: Seriously, find a boot.

Baxter: Find a boot.

[ Grunts ]

Aaaaah!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Victoria: For some reason,

Dean being in a coma

makes me want to reach out

to my daddy.

Hi, Daddy,

it's your daughter.

Mr. King: I don't own

a talking Otter.

Victoria: Why would an otter

be calling you?

Mr. King: What

a delightful thought.

Victoria: That is not that

delightful of a thought.

Mr. King: So, Victoria,

what do you want?

Victoria: Look,

I'm just wondering

if there's any openings

at the King Maker,

you know, for a friend.

Mr. King: Oh...

Victoria: Yes, I have friends.

Mr. King: That's too bad.

Victoria: That does not

make me weak!

Mr. King: Goodbye.

Victoria: H-- Daddy?

Shit.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Baxter: Amir's a no-show,

and I haven't seen Chelsea

in a while.

And then I hear

this ravenous sound.

[ Munching ]

Jesus Christ, do they even

have turkey legs here?

Chelsea: Nah, playa.

???

Amir: I've got Dean,

and we're on the way

to the party

at Gwentolyn's house.

But I'm also in need of money,

so when a fare came in

on the Yaghoober app,

I had to take it.

I don't want

to lose my five-star rating.

All right,

everyone strapped in?

Richolas: Yeah.

Amir: Richolas,

sorry for the wait.

Can I interest you in some,

uh, chips or some mints?

Richolas: Oh, sure, yeah.

Richolas: Lollipop, yeah.

Amir: Here you go.

Richolas: Don't worry about me,

witty, I'm on vacation.

I have nowhere to be.

Oh, I'm just so excited

to be in Los Angeles

and see all the sights

you have here.

Amir: Oh, yeah,

what'd you have in mind?

Richolas: I had to get a selfie

in the intersection

where Biggie Smalls was shot.

Can we go there?

Amir: Oh, um...

Richolas: Is that possible?

Amir: I'd love to,

but Waze is not allowing us.

Richolas is vacationing

from Orange County.

For those of you

who don't know,

that's 4

5 minutes south.

Richolas: It's so true

about Los Angeles

that there's so many cars.

Like, there's a car.

There's a car.

Look, there's a car.

There's a car.

Look at that car!

Dean: [ Groans ]

Look at these cars!

There's a car.

Look at that, Mercedes,

Lexus, Ford,

Range Rover, Tesla...

Dean: [ Muffled ]

Stop hitting me.

Richolas: Oh, I was tapping you.

Amir: Dean --

Dean: We're on a highway.

Of course there are cars.

Amir: Dean, I'm trying

to get a five-star rating.

Just let him hit you.

Richolas: Yeah, I like to

pretend I'm a new technology.

Like, I can be a beeper.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Or I can be a cellphone ring,

where it goes...

[ Imitates ringtone ]

You've got a call.

Ooh, you got a text.

Oh, you got a notification.

There's traffic on the 101.

Dean: Amir, pull over.

Amir: What?

Dean: Pull over!

Pull over!

Amir: Sorry, sir,

I got to stop the car. Dean's --

Richolas: That's all right.

I'm on vacation.

Dean: We know!

???

Glenn: I've decided to stop

feeling sad and sorry for myself

as a way of dealing

with Dean's coma.

I'm going to follow

Todd's advice,

take charge of my own destiny,

and look for love.

Hm, religious preference.

Traditional.

Uh, I believe

in a 300-foot-tall,

sandal-wearing elderly giant

sitting on a cloud throne,

A.K.A.,

Lutheran.

I spend a lot of time

thinking about...

spiders crawling into my mouth

and dying in my esophagus,

semi-colon, world peace.

Six things

I can't live without --

Um...

my mommy, comma,

my mommy, comma,

my mommy...

[ Sighs ]

J.K., all the tools needed

for my bath and pedicures.

And before you even ask,

the answer is yes.

I cut my toenails in the bath.

Otherwise, they're too hard.

My ideal Friday evening --

me, my couch,

my harmonica,

and a bottle of milk.

Save it.

[ Sighs ] And let the hits

come rolling in.

Refresh.

My heart is open

and on the Internet.

What could possibly go wrong?

???

Amir: We're still racing

to the book release party.

We still have Richolas,

and now a barely-conscious

Dean is driving.

Richolas: This is amazing.

Look, he's half-dead,

but the half that's alive

is a great driver.

Amir: Yeah, yeah,

it's crazy, huh?

Richolas: Hey, you want

some more juice?

Look, I'm going to squeeze it

into you. Boom.

Give you

a little surge there.

Blam-oh! A little

power boost.

Wha-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!

Oh, my God, this feels like

feeling fake boobies.

Amir: Okay, maybe picking up

Richolas wasn't a great idea.

Richolas: Hey, why don't

we all sing together?

[ Humming ]

? Driving in a car ?

? We're the best of friends ?

? Driving very far ?

? This will never end ?

? Driving in a car ?

? We are best of chumps ?

? Riding in the car ?

? Our butts are getting numb ?

? Roll up the windows,

boo-boo-boo-boop! ?

? Turn on the air,

boo-boo-boo-boop! ?

? Honk that horn,

mer-mer-ber-berp! ?

? Pulling you over

for being a good singer ?

? Uh, guilty as charged,

officer! ?

Amir: Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Give me one star!

Give me one star,

I don't give a fuck!

Enough!

Richolas: I only

give five stars.

???

DJ: I think people

have been here long enough

to breathe in the space

and share a few hugs.

And now it's time

to gather everyone

and talk about

the future of Platinum.

Hello, hello, everybody.

Hi. Hello.

If you could, just come on

and bring your energy

in this way.

Yeah, this feels good, right?

It's a sad time, but it feels

good that we're all here,

and we're sharing this energy.

You guys are all family here.

Jacob, how you doing?

How's that baby? Good?

Oh, man. Hey, Celeste.

Oh, what a pleasure

to have you here.

Oh, you're not supposed

to be drinking.

But this is sad. This sucks.

You know, it's inside,

it's outside, we're here.

We need to breathe.

We need to heal as Platinum.

Huh?

Andrew: Amen.

DJ: Thank you.

Baxter: DJ is such a good guy.

Andrew: I love you, DJ!

DJ: The doctors

can't really tell us

when Dean will be coming back,

so this afternoon,

I actually had him sign over

the company to me.

And now Platinum is mine.

Victoria: [ Gasps ]

DJ: Just going to go ahead

and sign over

your company to me.

And you just have to hold.

I can do the signing.

Mm-hmm, there it is.

Whoop.

Simple as that.

Victoria: What?!

Chelsea: Are you kidding me?

Andrew: No!

Baxter: No!

Baxter: Wait, does DJ

stand for double...

jrosser?

Andrew: DJ's no longer

my brother.

I divorce him.

I hate you, DJ!

Chelsea: How did

I not see this coming?

You know what? I --

I blame the meat eating.

That's what it is. The meat,

they clouded my eyes.

Victoria: DJ is not who

he presented himself to be.

And frankly,

I am shocked, angered,

and a little turned on by that.

DJ: I have an announcement!

[ Gasping ]

Andrew: What?

DJ: This is also not

Dean's book release party.

Victoria: What?

Baxter: What?

DJ: It's mine!

Andrew: No!

Victoria: How dare you?!

DJ: Yes!

Chelsea: No!

DJ: [ Laughs maniacally ]

Victoria: How dare you?!

DJ: Yes!

Andrew: DJ!

DJ: It's mine!

Andrew: Wrong!

Victoria: You're an asshole, DJ!

DJ: No, I'm not.

With papa out of commission,

Platinum was weak

and ripe for a takeover.

It might as well be me.

Andrew: Is this a joke?

DJ: This is not a joke.

This is real.

"DJuniorology"...

Victoria: What is this book

even about?

DJ: It's about me...

Amir: Wait!

DJ: ...and my life.

Chelsea: What?

DJ: Huh?

Chelsea: Dean!

Amir: Out of the way.

Come on, move.

Victoria: Oh, my God.

Baxter: Oh, my God.

Victoria: Oh, my God, Dean!

Oh, Dean.

Dean's awake!

DJ: Papa.

Dean: [ Groans ]

Victoria: Oh, my God.

Dean: [ Groans ]

[ Gasping ]

[ Roars ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Clattering, gasping ]

Amir: I think Dean is

going to kill DJ.

I think Dean is going

to kill DJ.

Dean: You...

You can't do this, DJ.

I'm still in charge.

DJ: Oh, no, you're not, papa.

You're too late.

You already signed

your name over in ox blood.

Dean: You used my ox blood pen?

DJ: Mm-hmm.

Victoria: You can't just type up

a piece of paper,

have him sign it, and suddenly

you're the head of Platinum.

Dean: No, Victoria, I'm afraid

that's exactly what he can do,

thanks to a little-known

realty law,

habeas transferus,

the paternal right of transfer.

Baxter: Of course,

habeas transferus.

He's got you, Dean.

Dean: Thanks!

DJ: So it's all mine.

And I got a new logo.

Victoria: [ Gasps ] What?

DJ: DJ Rosedragon.

Chelsea: Is he trying to look

like a broke-ass Steve Aoki?

Dean: How dare you?!

How dare you,

you ungrateful creature?!

I will crush you.

Also, I'm very proud of you.

DJ: I've waited my whole life

for this very moment,

and also for you to tell me

that you're proud of me.

Thanks.

Dean: I am proud of you, son,

which makes it a shame that

I will have to destroy

my only blood son!

DJ: I'd love to see you try!

I would also love a hug.

Dean: You will get your hug

in hell...

after this one.

I am going to kill you,

and I will miss you, my son.

DJ: I will destroy you

and continue the name.

Dean: I will render you

to dust and mourn you forever.

DJ: This back feels good

because I love stabbing it,

but I also love hugging it.

Dean: Oh, if only I were

hugging your neck with my hands.

Yours is truly

a Shakespearean evil.

DJ: Thank you.

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