Original subtitles

???

Amir: You don't think

it's -- like, his eyes

are a little buggy?

Chelsea: No. DJ's, like,

you know, he's seen a lot.

That's what I think.

Amir: So his eyes

pop out of his head?

Chelsea:

Yeah, he stay woke.

Oh, my God.

Baxter: Oh! Get that away.

Glenn:

This is an antique doll

that I found

at one of my listings.

[ Dramatic chord strikes ]

It was scaring away

all of my clients.

I had to get it out of there.

Andrew: It literally

just got cold in here

when you brought that in.

Amir: Yeah, I felt that.

Andrew: Can you please

take that away?

Glenn: I wish

I could take it away.

It's got some

strange voodoo to it.

Chelsea:

I have never liked dolls.

Baxter: Did it get hurt?

Why is its arm in a bandage?

Glenn: I don't know.

I don't have any --

Amir: Oh, my God,

there's hair in the bandage!

Baxter: Oh.

Chelsea: No, I don't want it!

I don't want it!

I don't want it!

I don't want it!

Aah! God! Why?!

Oh, God, why do its legs

swing like that?

Glenn: Oh.

Chelsea: Oh, God.

Andrew: It's a doll.

All we have to do

is think of it logically

and have somebody --

[ Music box plays ]

Chelsea: Andrew.

[ Dramatic chord strikes ]

Baxter: What the fuck?

Amir: What was that?

Chelsea: What was that?

Glenn: Break his gaze.

Break his gaze.

Baxter: Break his gaze.

Andrew: Aah!

Chelsea:

God, are you all right?

Andrew: Get that out of here.

Baxter: It's got me now.

It's got me now.

Chelsea: It's got --

Baxter: It's got me.

Chelsea: I'm sorry,

it's making me do this.

Andrew: No, it's --

dolls don't make --

Chelsea: It's making me.

I can't stop.

Glenn: Guys, stop.

Baxter: Break his gaze.

Chelsea: Help.

Glenn: This doll has powers.

Evil powers.

I think it's cursed.

Chelsea: You guys, I'm just

starting to have, like,

some really fucked up

thoughts right now.

Glenn: I'm just gonna

point it away, okay?

No one's looking at it.

All right?

Victoria: Hey,

what are you guys do--

Aww, who's this

little baby girl?

Oh, you're so cute.

Baxter: Don't look at it.

Victoria: You're so cute!

Do you need a mother?

Do you need a mommy?

Yes, you do.

I will be your mommy,

and I will call you Sarah Beth.

[ Laughs ]

So cute.

Little curls.

You're all mine now.

America, I'd like you to meet

Sarah Beth King.

Sarah Beth, say hi.

Say hi, America.

[ Cheers and applause ]

???

Amir: I have to go have

my meeting with DJ.

Everybody loves this guy.

Everybody's an idiot.

[ Knock on door ]

DJ: Ah, Amir.

Thank you so much

for being here.

Amir: Sorry I'm late.

Actually, not very sorry at all.

I was busy making

tons of money.

Okay, not tons of money.

This has been

a tough quarter for me.

DJ: You don't have to be

sorry about anything.

The stuff that you're doing

around here is amazing.

And we're lucky to have you.

The only thing that would

put you over the top,

and I mean Stallone

this grip style,

is if you smiled.

Amir: If I what?

DJ: Smiled.

You take one of those cheeks,

you pull it up.

You take the other cheek,

you pull it up,

and you grab them by the corners

and you tie them

behind your ears,

and there you got

a smile like that.

Take it.

Take one of mine.

My desk is full of them.

Amir: I'll tell you

what's gonna make me smile.

Making him crack.

I've never met anyone

I can't break down.

I don't trust you.

I don't fucking believe

any of this.

I don't buy your little act,

you little

salamander-looking shit.

DJ: Thank you so much.

I want to look like

I am of the sea,

but also of the land.

Listen, I'm here

to be your friend,

I'm here to be your co-worker,

and I'm here to be

the person that you hug

when you're having a bad day.

Amir: I don't want

to be your friend.

I don't have bad days,

and I never want to hug you.

You are hiding something.

I'm not sure what it is,

but I will find out.

DJ: I have an ulterior motive.

You're right.

Amir: You piece of sh--

DJ: I saw that your grandmother

passed away on Facebook,

so I got a picture

framed of her.

I don't know.

It's just something small I did.

Amir: You are good,

you fucking bastard.

DJ: You're great, so I can't

wait to work with you...

and enjoy your company more.

Amir: I deeply resent

this act of kindness.

I'm out of here.

Nana, I miss you so much!

DJ, I hate you so much!

Nana, I miss you --

[ Child speaks indistinctly ]

What the --

Oh, get me the fuck out of here.

???

Glenn: Do you see me rolling?

Because...

Because they see me rolling.

???

Can't wait to get to Malibu

for my open house.

Whoa.

Whoa, what are

you guys doing here?

Okay, uh, if you guys are

with the cable company,

you're not supposed to touch

any of the stuff.

You're just supposed to --

you're not -- you're supposed

to put that down, okay?

No, no, sir, sir.

You need to put that down.

Okay, I need to --

no, no, no, no.

You put that back.

You put that back.

See? This goes here.

No, don't take my watch.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Those go there, okay?

No, that's my watch.

Hey, sir, no, no,

no, no, no, no.

No! No!

Do you guys understand no?

I have dealt with a lot

of cable repair guys in my time,

but these three are

the least professional.

No.

I'm saying no.

Okay, what's going on?

What?

Are you gonna give me

a foot massage?

What is happening?

Why would you --

No, don't do that.

No. Why would you do that?

No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No! Stop, you give me my shoe.

Give me my shoe.

Give me my shoe.

Stop.

What are you --

No, stop, stop, stop.

Sir, sir, sir.

Stop. No, sir, stop.

Okay, I'm not --

All right, if this is --

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What? Are you --

Oh, I'm not this kind of guy.

I'm not this kind of guy.

Oh, hey, no.

No, not this kind of guy.

I'm not --

You stop it.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Hey, that's my jacket.

Give me that.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, I'm calling

the cable company.

You can't...

I called, and they laughed at me

for five minutes.

Then they said I was robbed.

[ Sobbing ]

[ Inhales deeply ]

No!

???

Amir: There's three things

I can't believe.

One, DJ broke me.

Two, I'm still homeless.

[ Vacuum cleaner whirring ]

And three, Todd is at the office

this early.

Todd: [ Chuckles ]

Hey, babe.

Woman: Mm-hmm.

Todd: How was that

cross-country flight?

Woman: Mm.

Todd: Oh, yeah?

You wearing that same pair

of panties?

Woman: Mm-hmm.

Todd: Oh, yeah.

Was it muggy

down there in Tampa?

Yeah, I saw that 98% humidity.

Ooh, yeah.

You in a center seat?

Woman: Mm-hmm!

Todd:

Between two big fat guys?

Woman: Mm!

Todd: Oh.

Well, you save them for me.

You save them in a cake tin.

I'll be over in a couple days.

Woman: Mm!

Amir: Did he say "cake tin"?

Jesus, Todd, gross.

[ Vacuum cleaner whirring ]

Todd: [ Rapping ] ? Who's

the number-one vacuum guy? ?

? It's Todd, it's Todd ?

? Who's that dustin'

that funky shelf? ?

? It's Todd, it's Todd ?

? Who cleaned the vomit up

in number two? ?

? It's Todd, it's Todd ?

Stop right there!

? It's Todd, it's Todd,

It's Todd ?

? Break it down for me, fellas ?

???

? It's Todd, it's Todd ?

???

Chelsea: Victoria adopted

Glenn's evil doll

and even gave it a name --

Sarah Beth.

Baxter: This may make me

sound like a crazy person,

but that doll --

Andrew: No, you're not crazy.

That doll is haunted.

Victoria: My little sweetie.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, what's up?

Andrew:

Nothing. Nothing.

Victoria:

I know, that was funny.

[ Laughs ]

Who's so pretty?

This baby's so pretty.

Hey, can you guys

make some more coffee?

Chelsea: Yeah, you got it.

Victoria: Yes, you are.

You want to go home to daddy?

Let's go see daddy.

Andrew: She's crazy.

Who's daddy?

Chelsea: She said,

"That's so funny."

The doll told her a joke?

Baxter: I don't like it at all.

Chelsea: Disgusting.

Baxter: Oh, my God!

Andrew: Oh, my God!

Chelsea: No! No! No!

Andrew: Close it, close it.

Kick it closed.

Chelsea: Close it.

Kick it closed.

Andrew: You got to move the cup.

It's jammed in there.

Baxter: I can't.

I don't want to get it.

[ Cup shatters ]

Chelsea: I should've known

that that would happen.

Andrew: Oh.

Baxter: Okay.

Chelsea: [ Sighs ]

Why'd she put it

in the dishwasher?

Baxter:

She left with it, right?

Andrew: Maybe she put it

in before she left?

Baxter: She accidentally

put it in?

Andrew: She might've

accidentally thought she --

She asked us to make coffee,

so maybe she was saying...

Baxter: Oh, my God!

Chelsea: What? Oh!

Oh, that's it.

Andrew: Oh! Oh!

Chelsea: Get away! Get away!

Get away from...

Baxter: What?

Chelsea: What the...

Baxter: She's gone.

Andrew: She was right there.

Chelsea:

It was right behind you.

Baxter: We all saw her, right?

Chelsea: We all saw it.

Andrew:

Unless we were imagining it.

Unless it was

a group imagination.

Baxter: We're not -- No.

Andrew: I've never used

that phrase before.

The doll must've

put it in my head.

No, no, no, no, no.

My problem is I stress eat.

If I see -- Oh, my --

Oh, my God.

Chelsea: Oh, no!

Andrew: Holy shit.

Chelsea: Shit.

Andrew: Hey!

She's eating a carrot!

It took my carrot!

Baxter:

It took it out of your hand!

Andrew: It took my carrot!

Baxter: Oh, my God!

Chelsea: What? Aah!

Oh, no!

How did it get there?!

I don't want it!

I don't want it!

I don't want it!

I don't want it!

Victoria: What the hell

is going on?

Calm down!'

I'm on an important phone call,

and you guys

are screaming in here.

[ Gasps ]

There you are,

you little sweetie.

[ Baby talk ]

Were you having

a play date?

Are you playing

with your friends?

She's at that age where

she's starting to develop

a real personality.

You're a little prankster,

aren't you?

[ Laughs ]

Watch out.

Chelsea: I feel like

it stole my memories.

???

Glenn:

Yesterday, I was robbed.

But today, I have

an appointment listing,

a referral from

the owners of the house

where I found Sarah Beth.

This owner is a classic

horror movie star.

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Dramatic chord strikes ]

Blanc: Welcome.

Glenn: Hello.

Blanc: It is I,

Maximillian Blanc.

Glenn: That's, uh --

I know who you are.

I'm a big fan of your films

and your work, sir.

Blanc:

Silas Ornato in "Orb of Doom."

Glenn: "Orb of Doom"

is a classic, sir.

Blanc: Open not the box!

[ Laughs ]

I am not a madman.

I assure you.

Merely an actor who has played

a madman his entire life

and is now quite finished

with that lifelong role.

[ Chuckles ]

Glenn: Everybody's been

trying to get this listing.

Sure, it's dilapidated,

but this is a prime location

in the Truesdale Estates.

The land alone

is worth $15 million.

I-I believe that myself

and Platinum Realty are the --

the proper people to help you

sell this property.

Blanc: Shall we retire to

the table and discuss price?

Glenn: Oh, yes, absolutely.

Blanc: Follow me slowly

at a fearful pace.

[ Snaps fingers ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

???

Dean: Well, now that Dean Jr.

is my partner

in running Platinum,

it's time for him to help me

with a very important

business matter.

Son, I need your assistance

with something.

It's time for us to record

one of our famous

father and legitimate son

outgoing answering machine

messages!

DJ: All right!

Dean: I haven't updated

the outgoing message

for Platinum in quite some time,

and I think that now

things have changed,

it's time to update it.

DJ: Okay, what is

the original message

you have on the machine?

Dean: Just give it a listen.

Well, if it's on,

where's the light?

Okay. What?

You've reached Dean Rosedragon.

No.

You've reached Platinum --

Ugh!

Mara!

[ Answering machine beeps ]

DJ: Papa! That's not good.

Dean: It's not?

DJ: No.

It's got to be smoother.

It's got to be newer.

It's got to be hipper,

it's got to be now-er,

it's got to be tomorrow-er.

Dean: Let's just keep it

as simple as possible.

DJ: Okay, okay.

Dean: Just very direct.

DJ: Direct.

3, 2...

Dean: Hello.

I started.

DJ: Oh, that's your start?

I thought you were gonna do

a lot more than --

Dean: Is that not a good start?

DJ: Hello is a good start.

Dean: Platinum go!

DJ: I like that one.

Dean: It's pretty direct.

DJ: It's sharp.

Platinum go.

Dean: It's sharp-ish.

Doing these things

is very, very hard.

DJ: It's okay, papa.

Dean: [ Grunts angrily ]

DJ: Papa, I think these people

just need to know

what our connection is,

our true connection.

So I think it'd be best

if we were to say it together,

and I mean at the same time.

Dean: Unscripted,

but we are so connected,

we say the same words

at the same time.

DJ: I come from your loins, sir.

Dean: You certainly do.

DJ: So let's speak together.

Dean: Yes, sir.

Dean and DJ: Hello.

You've reached Platinum Realty,

the real-estate office.

We sell land to you

or houses on the land,

so please leave a message,

and hey, I've got

a question for you.

? Were you there when

they crucified my lord? ?

? Oh, oh, oh, oh ?

? Sometimes it causes me ?

? To tremble, tremble, tremble ?

DJ: I don't know if we

should've ended on a hymn.

Dean: There were

good parts to that one.

DJ: Yes.

Dean: I think --

I think I've got it this time.

DJ: Yeah, it feels like you're

in the right head space now.

Dean:

All of that leading up to now

I think was useful

and instructive,

and I'm ready to go.

DJ: Let's do it.

Dean: [ Clears throat ]

DJ: In 3...

Dean: Following the days

of the Big Bang,

as the earth cooled

and congealed,

men dreamed of selling

real-estate to one another.

And now that dream

has become realized

with us, Platinum Realty.

DJ: [ Imitates explosion ]

Dean:

Leave a message at the tone,

and your call will be returned!

DJ: Returned,

returned, returned!

Wait. Wait. I...

Fuck.

This -- This machine!

It's how old this machine is!

We need a newer machine!

Dean: DJ.

You just had a rageful event,

and you criticized

my answering machine.

DJ: Sorry, Papa.

I...learned it from you.

Dean: I beg your pardon?

DJ: I learned it from you.

Dean: And I learned to rage

from my own father.

DJ: And when I have a son,

I will teach him

the same rage, right, Papa?

Dean:

If you love him, you will.

???

Glenn: Maximillian showed me

around the house,

and it is very creepy.

Too creepy for me to sell as is.

I hope he's open to changing.

Everything.

Blanc:

[ Humming ominous organ tune ]

[ Laughs ]

Mr. Bouchard.

Oeuf diabolique.

Deviled eggs.

[ Stifled cough ]

[ Bottle thuds ]

Bottle or tap?

Glenn: They both came

from the same bottle.

Blanc: [ Chuckles ]

Mmm.

Yummy.

Glenn: Did you make those just

to suck the -- the yolk out?

Blanc: I'm on a diet.

Glenn: The white part

is what you should eat

if you're on a diet.

Blanc: I'm not on

your diet, Mr. Bouchard.

Some of us tick to our own tock.

Glenn: He eats deviled eggs

like they're oysters.

I've got to get this listing

and get the hell out of here.

Let me make a few suggestions

about the property

that might help you sell it

to an interested buyer.

Something that might

lessen the -- my apologies --

the very creepy vibe that

you have going on here.

Blanc: Did you find

the bodies in the garage?

Glenn: Yes.

Blanc: The corpses in

my garage are wax,

as are all my corpses.

Glenn: That --

Blanc:

And are meant only as mementos

of a life in the cinema

of madness.

Glenn: If you remove

those corpses --

Blanc: They can't be sold.

If they are removed

from the garage, they melt.

Glenn: Is there a way

to store them?

Blanc: Yes, in the garage,

wrapped in wax as they are!

Glenn: So you see how having

all corpses filling a garage

might make your property

look creepy?

Blanc: You haven't

touched your eggs.

Glenn: When we walked

in the front door

and you opened the closet door,

several large swords fell out.

There was one coat inside.

Blanc: Those are merely props.

Half of them are tin.

The other half have not been

used in mortal combat

since the film

in the late '90s.

Glenn: Those were props

from "Mortal Kombat" the movie?

Blanc: Yes.

You may recall

some of my voice acting.

Glenn: Finish him?

Blanc: "Finish him!"

Glenn: Yes, yes.

Okay.

All right, well,

my apologies, okay?

"Mortal Kombat"

was a great video game

and an even better movie.

I always thought of myself

as a Lady Kitana.

Waa!

We do need to settle on

a listing price.

[ Child speaks indistinctly ]

Blanc: What on earth?

Glenn: What was that?

Blanc: What in Hades?

Not again.

Glenn: Sounded like a child --

Blanc: Not again, not again.

Not here, not now.

Glenn: So, you're

familiar with that?

Blanc: That is a sound

that is very bad.

[ Child speaks indistinctly ]

No, not again!

Glenn: Okay, what --

Blanc: Go back to where

thou camest from!

Glenn: Okay,

what are you talking about?

What are you talking --

Blanc: Silence, you fool!

Can't you hear it?

Glenn: Yes, I can!

That's why I'm scared.

Blanc: They've come for us.

Glenn: What?

Blanc:

That's why I never stay here.

I stay in my apartment

in Beverly Hills

because I can't stand this!

[ Child speaks indistinctly ]

God damn it!

Get the fuck out of here!

Run away from the sound

if you can!

[ Child giggles ]

Glenn: Maximillian just

told me that the spirit

that haunts his house

is named...

Sarah Beth.

[ Child speaks indistinctly ]

Chelsea: Aah! Why? Why?

Glenn: Why did I bring

that thing into Platinum?

What have I done?

???

Andrew: I'd love

to switch cars with you.

For some reason,

Glenn keeps calling me.

I mean, listen

to this voicemail.

Glenn: Aah! Aah! Andrew!

Andrew: What?

Glenn: Aah!

Help!

Andrew: I can't understand.

Glenn: I didn't have time!

Andrew: Anyway.

Thanks, I'll call my --

Excuse me just for a second.

Hey, you guys.

Holy shit, holy shit.

Check this out.

Chelsea: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Andrew: Turn, turn, turn, turn.

???

Victoria: Hi, Baxter.

Do you want to play with me?

Andrew: No.

Chelsea: Okay.

Victoria: Baxter.

Andrew: No! What are you doing?

Victoria: Come play with me.

Forever and ever and ever...

[Demonic voice] and ever.

Chelsea: Aah!

Victoria:

[ Normal voice ] Sarah Beth

needs a daddy.

Do you want to be her daddy?

Andrew: You can't be.

You can't be.

Baxter: Yes.

Victoria: Come with me.

Andrew: Don't touch her.

Do not touch her.

Victoria: [Demonic voice]

Come with me, daddy!

Andrew: Aaaaah!

Baxter: Daddy's home.

Andrew: Baxter!

Chelsea: Bax, stop.

Andrew: Baxter!

Victoria: [ Normal voice ]

Come with me, daddy.

Baxter: Daddy is hungry.

Victoria:

I'll feed you, daddy.

[ Both scream ]

Go walk out the window, daddy.

Baxter: Okay.

Here daddy goes.

Victoria: Bye-bye, daddy.

Bye-bye.

Andrew: [ Sobbing ]

[ Both sobbing ]

[ Child speaks indistinctly ]

???

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