Original subtitles

Baxter and Chelsea:

? This tangerine is rottin' ?

? In the barn ?

? The hay made it go bad ?

? And the horses didn't help ?

Andrew: Baxter and Chelsea

started a band?

Chelsea: ? Yeah ?

Baxter: ? Sick horse ?

Chelsea: ? Yeah ?

Baxter: ? Sick horse ?

? The horse is going to

stay home from school today ?

Chelsea: ? Sick pet horse ?

Victoria:

Apparently, they colisted

a property in Laurel Canyon,

and it transformed them.

Andrew: When did you guys

start doing this?

Baxter:

We were just both harmonizing.

We turned.

Chelsea: It was like ? Ehh ?

Baxter:

Her hair was blowing.

Both: ? Ehh ?

Chelsea:

And we're like, "Holy shit.

How did you know that I was

doing an augmented fifth?"

Baxter: And I was like,

"How did you know

that I was singing

"Ignition (Remix)"?

Chelsea: Mm-hmm. And then

we were like, "We need a name."

So, the house across the street

from our colisting

is under construction,

and we saw a wheelbarrow.

Both:

We're The Wheelbarrows!

???

Victoria:

Why did you start doing this?

Baxter: You guys have something

in your life that you were,

like, you wanted to do,

but you did real estate instead?

Chelsea: Yeah.

Andrew: I wanted

to manage a, uh, Panera.

Baxter: We're talking

about, like, an artsy thing.

So you just got a passion.

Andrew: Yeah. Me too.

Baxter: Um, this is our version

of managing a Panera.

Andrew: I'm onboard.

Chelsea:

We're like You Pick Two.

Andrew: There are infinite

Panera You Pick Two combos --

baked-potato soup and

bacon-turkey bravo sandwich,

baked-potato soup and

steak-and-white-cheddar panini,

baked-potato soup

and just a baked potato.

Chelsea: I looked down at

this poor, miserable creature,

and I said, "Hey, son,

you look like

you got a song in you."

Baxter: And I said...

Both: ? Hey ?

Andrew: Don't leave.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Don't leave.

Chelsea:

? I fell on the trail ?

Baxter:

? I fell down on the trail ?

Andrew: Hey. Look.

Both:

? And then I said hey ?

Andrew: Okay.

I might hate their music

more than I love Baxter.

Yes. I do!

Chelsea: ? Gina, Gina ?

Baxter: ? Gina, Gina, Gina ?

Chelsea: ? Gina, Gina ?

Amir: I just wanted

some paperclips.

???

Victoria: I'm off to my listing

at Sunset Plaza.

Now, the food

you serve at an open house

can make or break a showing.

I got catering from

the hottest place in town.

???

???

Well, hello! Welcome.

Victoria King. Pleasure.

Gerald: Ger-- Gerald. Hi.

Victoria: Gerald,

so nice to meet you, Gerald.

Welcome! I hope you, uh...

Gerald: Thank you so much.

Victoria: ...you were

able to see the house.

What did you think?

Gerald: Fantastic.

I love the layout.

Victoria: Oh. Me too.

Gerald: I love the --

the feng shui of it all.

Victoria:

Yeah. Real open floor plan.

I really, really dig it.

Gerald: What's going on

with that moulding up there?

What -- What type is that?

Victoria: Oh, you know what?

Good eye.

I'm glad you noticed.

It's French moulding,

and I just think

the architect

did a really great job with this

because you don't expect it

in the kitchen.

But when you see it,

you love it.

Gerald: Mm-hmm.

Victoria: You know?

I know a buyer when I see one,

and Gerald is a buyer.

And if you saw over here,

we've got two ovens,

which I think is a must

in a kitchen.

Gerald: Right.

Victoria: I mean,

you can't have a party.

You can't have Thanksgiving

dinner without two ovens.

Gerald: Oh, of course.

And, uh, is there a cat?

Victoria: A cat?!

There better not be!

Did you see some kind of cat?

Gerald: I, uh -- You know,

I look for cats

at these properties

just because, uh,

they can also, uh, be indicative

of, uh, urine damage, um...

Victoria: I mean, I can assure

you there's no damage here.

And I-I-I mean, I promise.

I don't know.

I didn't see any kind of cat.

But gosh.

This guy knows his houses.

I will tell you that.

[ Chuckles ] He's legit.

Gerald: Foot traffic.

Uh, uh, how many paces is it,

uh, to the front door?

I'm -- I'm always

curious about...

Victoria: Oh, God.

I don't even...

I guess --

Gerald: Could you...

If you haven't counted out,

I mean, I-I could, uh,

could probably get another agent

to count it out.

Victoria: Yeah, right!

You don't invite a second wolf

into the hen house.

[ Growls ]

???

Dean: I shall begin

the publicity blitz for my book

by appearing on

"The Real Estate Show,"

hosted by Leatha Benet.

It is the only daytime talk show

about Southern California

real estate that matters.

???

Leatha: Potted plants.

How to improve your curb appeal.

We like to have fun!

Oh, that's a good one.

Dean: Oh, thank you.

Leatha: Paula Deen

was something special.

And welcome to

"The Real Estate Show."

I'm Leatha Benet, and with us

today is Dean Rosedragon,

eccentric millionaire,

founder of Platinum Realty.

And he is here with a new book.

Dean:

"Sidewalks Made of People..."

Leatha: Ooh.

Dean: ..."The Legacy

of Dean Rosedragon."

Leatha: We couldn't get our

hands on an advance copy.

Dean: The book will be

coming out very soon.

Leatha:

Has it been written yet?

Dean: In a sense,

this book was written

before I was even born.

Leatha: Wow. That's profound.

Dean:

It continues to be written

and, I imagine, will be written

long after

I depart this plane.

Leatha: Have you written it?

Dean: Leatha, Leatha...

Leatha:

Have you put pen to paper?

Dean: This is what you do.

Leatha: No. I'm just asking!

Dean:

W-What am I, on trial here?

You want to hear

a specific story?

Leatha: I would love to.

Dean: You see, the thing is

I don't want to give

too much away because then

people won't buy the book.

Leatha:

No, but a little taste.

That's what you told me

in the '80s

when you got me hooked

on cocaine.

Dean:

And it served you well.

Leatha:

Well, I don't have any cartilage

between here and here.

Dean: I can relate.

I'm on my third nose.

Leatha: People have said

that the movie "Eyes Wide Shut"

is based on your life.

Is that true?

Dean: [ Sighs ]

Leatha: There are pictures that

have surfaced on the Internet

of you in a mask.

Dean: How do you know it's me

if I'm in a mask?

Leatha: Well, we've had

many pictures of your...penis

that have circulated

the Internet,

so people have compared.

Dean:

But in most of those pictures,

my penis is also wearing a mask.

So how do you know it's me?

Leatha:

Fair point. Fair point.

Dean:

My penis has two modes --

Bruce Wayne

and, of course, the Batman.

Leatha: You've made some claims

that are outrageous --

that this book will be bigger

than the Bible...

Dean: God willing.

Leatha: ...better-written

than "The Great Gatsby,"

more poetic than Maya Angelou.

Dean:

Time for someone to take over.

???

Glenn: I'm Smarting

over to Beverly Hills

to show a house

to my new client, Sabra.

I really think she's

going to love this property.

???

Now, in addition

to the high ceilings,

you'll notice that the architect

also really likes combining

eclectic tastes.

There's wood. There's metal.

There's marble.

There's also the color beige.

The tour is going pretty well,

but I still wish

I could get more specific

feedback from Sabra.

Sabra:

If I'm gonna buy a house,

I have to fall in love

with it...

Glenn: Uh, of course.

Sabra: ...like, on a level

that you may not

really understand.

Glenn:

Oh, I understand perfectly.

Actually,

I don't think I understand.

That's a beautiful table

right here.

Sabra:

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

This, um,

this table is really...

just saying something.

Hi. Hi! [ Laughs ]

Glenn: Hi.

Sabra: Wasn't talking to you.

Glenn: Oh, okay.

Who is she talking to, then?

I'm the only other person

in this house.

Glenn:

Okay. That's the owner's.

Sabra: [ Giggles ] I'm sorry.

There's just something

that is happening

with me and this orchid.

Glenn: Uh...

Sabra: [ Giggles ] Thank you.

No. It's a blowout.

Glenn: Ohh!

She talks to inanimate objects.

What's that called --

objectophilia?

So you got the, uh, the railing.

You see how ornate

and detailed this is?

Sabra: Whoa.

Glenn: You know...

Sabra: Whoa.

Whoa.

Look at you...

you handsome little devil.

Glenn: Yeah, touch it.

Sabra: Oh, I will.

Glenn: Yep, right here.

"Objectophilia --

someone who has sexual feelings

for inanimate objects."

Whoa!

Sabra:

Someone's been a bad boy...

and got all dirty.

Don't you wor-- Ooh!

[ Sighs ] This feels good.

Oh, yeah. Right there.

Glenn: Just make the sale,

Glenn. Make the sale.

Sabra: Ohh...

Glenn: Ohh...

[ Both giggle ]

Sabra: This is kinky.

Glenn: Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, this is very kinky.

Sabra: All three of us.

Glenn: Wow.

Sabra: That's how he likes it.

Just really get in there.

Glenn: It's filthy up there.

Sabra: Yeah.

Glenn: It's dirty.

Sabra: Okay.

Glenn: It's kind of nasty.

Nasty little --

Nasty little wall.

Sabra: Yeah. I got it.

Glenn: S-Sick and --

Sabra:

I got it. I got it.

He'd like you to leave.

Glenn: W-- I-I hit

the same spot that you hit.

Sabra: Yeah.

Glenn: Okay.

I didn't do anything wrong.

Sabra: Yeah. You actually did.

Glenn: Okay, but --

Sabra: Fucking weirdo.

Glenn: I'm the weirdo?

If you want to

continue the tour --

Sabra: Yeah.

Keep it in your pants

and get the fuck out of here.

Glenn: Never took my thing out.

Okay?

Sabra: Excuse me?

Oh, my God! What are you doing?!

Glenn: What?

Sabra: What are you doing?!

Glenn: What?

I'm going up the stairs!

Sabra: My God!

Glenn: This is the very function

of a staircase.

Sabra made me take my shoes off.

Sabra: You're just

going to treat him like a --

like a fucking object?

Glenn: I'm going

up and down on him. Okay?

I'm going up and down on him,

and I'm going

to the second floor.

And you can -- Whoa, whoa.

Okay. All right.

Sabra: So sorry, baby!

I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!

???

Chelsea: The Wheelbarrows

are going to need help

if we're going to go

to the next level,

so we got an appointment

with Dean.

Baxter:

We told him that we had

an exciting investment

opportunity.

Both: ? We were meant

to feed each other ?

? We were meant

to feed each other ?

? We were meant

to feed each other ?

Chelsea: ? I'll warm my coffee

under your loving gaze ?

? Like a thousand suns ?

Baxter:

? I'll warm my oatmeal ?

? On the leather

of my moccasins ?

Dean: My assistant steps away

for literally seconds,

and this happens.

Baxter: ? We'll eat each other's

hearts and minds ?

? and souls and auras, too ?

Chelsea: ? I'll be

your OpenTable, GrubHub ?

? Yelp and Apron Blue ?

Both ? Hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ?

? Hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey ?

Chelsea:

This is going really well.

Baxter:

It's time to stick the landing.

Baxter:

? This is the earth speaking ?

Chelsea: ? Ow, ow! ?

Baxter: ? He's saying,

"Ouch, ouch, ouch" ?

? You're hurting me ?

? Get off me, humans ?

? This is the earth,

you're hurting me" ?

Chelsea: Recycle.

[ Bell rings ]

What do you think?

Dean: I love it!

Chelsea: Ahh!

Baxter: Really?

Dean: It's wonderful.

It captures so many

of the things I love

about folk music.

If you wouldn't mind, could

I make just a couple notes?

Chelsea: Oh, my gosh. Please.

Yes. Any suggestions you have.

Dean: I have, uh, surprisingly,

a bit of a musical background.

Chelsea: Oh.

Dean: I was the seventh Beatle

very early on.

Chelsea:

Who were five and six?

Dean:

There were many Beatles

before they pared it down

to the four.

Chelsea:

Like Destiny's Child.

Dean:

Yes, much like Destiny's Child.

Baxter: Who's the Beyonc�

of the Beatles?

Dean: Paul, of course.

Chelsea: Wow!

Dean is so connected.

Baxter:

Maybe he can get us booked

on "The Real Estate Show."

Dean: What I like

is that really reedy folk voice

that's very urgent,

something ? Uhhhh ?

Baxter: Oh, yes, yeah.

Dean: Something really meaty.

Dean: Let's try it together

so you can see

what it would sound like

with the blending

of -- of what I'm talking about

with what you're doing.

Baxter: Okay.

Chelsea: Yeah. Okay.

All: ? We were meant

to feed each other ?

Baxter: Nice.

All: ? We were meant

to feed each other ?

Dean:

Uh, l-let's try it now

where it's more

of what I'm doing,

you know,

and less of what you're doing.

Chelsea: Baxter, maybe you could

just focus on the guitar,

and we'll just sing together.

Dean: That's terrific.

You focus on the guitar.

And you focus on him playing.

Chelsea: Oh.

Do you not want me to sing?

Dean: That's a great idea.

Chelsea: Oh, I --

Dean: Yes. So here we go.

Chelsea: Okay.

Dean: Three, four.

? We were meant

to feed each other ?

? We were meant

to feed each other ?

That sounds terrific.

I like that a lot.

Baxter: I do like that.

Chelsea: Yeah.

Dean: I think we've got it.

Baxter: Um, cool. So you're in.

Dean: I'm in.

Baxter: Dean made us sign

a 90-page management contract.

I didn't really understand

any of the clauses.

Chelsea: No, but who cares?

We got a $500 signing bonus.

???

Glenn:

When my client, Sabra,

said she had to fall in love

with the house,

I didn't know

she meant it literally.

I've been hiding out upstairs,

but she's been yelling

at the stairs

for the last 10 minutes,

so I'm going to investigate.

Sabra: That's what happens,

is you don't

acknowledge my feelings!

You just try to parse language

up so that I get confused.

Glenn: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sabra: And then you --

Glenn: Whoa. What's going on?

What's going on?

Sabra: We're just...not

in a good place right now.

Glenn:

Okay. Well, I'm -- I'm sure,

you know, it can be mediated.

Sabra:

I don't know if it can.

Glenn: I've listened to

every episode of "Loveline."

I'm basically the Dr. Drew

of real estate.

I can save this sale.

Okay. You said your piece.

All right?

Now let's hear from the stairs.

That's a good point.

Wow. Okay. All right.

All right. You're upset.

But you know what else is there?

There's passion.

And you still got it.

All right?

Sabra:

I want to make it work, too.

Glenn:

This is a speed bump.

Yes!

Call me the lighthouse keeper

because I am steering

this relation-ship

out of dangerous waters.

Sabra: I know. I'm like, how

could I ever be angry at you?

Glenn: Exactly, you know?

I-I think I know where

this is heading, Sabra.

Do you, Sabra...

Sabra: Oh, my God.

This is happening right now.

Glenn: ...take this staircase,

this part of this home,

to be your lawfully

purchased house,

in good times and in bad,

through a 30-year

fixed-rate mortgage,

in sickness and in health,

as long as you both shall live?

Sabra: [ Clears throat ]

Today...

tomorrow...

and for the rest of my life,

I do.

Glenn:

My God. This is weird.

By the power vested in me

by, uh, real estate,

I now pronounce you

homeowner and staircase.

Sabra: Oh, wow.

Glenn: So I'm going to go

get some paperwork, actually.

Sabra: Um, can you give us --

can you give us a couple minutes

or the rest of the day?

Glenn:

Uh, yeah, whatever you want.

Sabra: 'Cause it's --

it's our honeymoon.

Glenn: Yeah, cool.

Sabra: It's the honeymoon night.

Glenn: Yeah. Okay. I'll be

over there with paperwork.

Sabra:

So you know what that means.

Glenn: No. I don't really

want -- Don't explain it.

Sabra: It means we're going to

consummate our marriage...

Glenn: Okay.

Sabra: ...sexually.

Glenn: Okay. I don't want

to know what that entails.

Sabra: It's going to be intense

and probably a little painful

for both of us, but...

Glenn: Jesus Christ. Okay.

Sabra: Just might be...messy.

Glenn: What the...?

???

Victoria: My Sunset Plaza

open house is going very well,

although I seem to be

running low on snacks.

Gerald: And then is there

storage? Is, uh, th-- these --

Victoria:

Oh, well, as you can see,

I mean, there's so much

cabinetry, lots of storage here.

But you --

I bet you didn't even notice

that this is actually

the refrigerator, which --

Gerald:

I didn't catch that.

Victoria:

I just find that so clever

'cause you think

you're opening a cabinet,

but you're actually opening

a refrigerator.

Gerald: Delicious.

Victoria: Okay.

Hold on.

I see what's happening here!

What did you think

of the living room?

Gerald: Great. I love

the couch, uh, couch area.

Victoria: Uh-huh.

Cut the shit. Okay?

I know why you're here.

Here for the free food, Ger?

Gerald:

Hey, the food's great, you know?

Victoria: Yeah. I know it's

great. I hired the caterer.

Are you even interested in this

house or even looking to buy?

Gerald: The house

is interesting to me.

Food is also interesting.

Victoria: Right.

Gerald, you bastard!

Wait a minute.

I can weaponize him.

I'm not going to punish you

for breaking into my open house

if you do me a little favor.

Now, this nice broker, Amir,

is having an open house

around 3:00 p.m. today.

He serves brownies. Can you

believe it? Double fudge.

[ Chuckles] Is that something

you'd be interested in?

Gerald:

Would you be able to, uh,

call me an Uber to this --

to this location?

Victoria: Oh, sure, yeah.

I can call you an Uber.

He has

peanut-butter cookies, too.

In fact, I don't know

if you know Baxter and Andrew.

They purposely have open houses

just so people can eat there.

Gerald:

Who are these guys?

Victoria: I'll give you

all of their numbers,

but more importantly,

their addresses

'cause I do want you

to stop by those open houses.

???

Glenn: I'm waiting for Sabra to

call so I can finalize the sale.

And guess who shows up.

That piece of shit

Amir Yaghoob.

You set me up.

Amir: I did.

Glenn:

I'm still very mad at him.

Amir: What's up, man?

I apologized over and over.

I even made a peace offering

when he was acting like

a sad teen.

Belgian treats.

Waffles, fries, mayo.

Glenn:

Sorry. I'm not hungry.

Amir:

But he could care less.

These awkward run-ins with him

are killing me.

What -- What are you writing?

Glenn: Work stuff.

Ever heard of it?

Amir: I don't think

my Bumble's working.

I can't message anyone.

[ Water bubbling ]

No. No, no, no! Please!

Help! Glenn!

Glenn: What's going on?

Amir: Look at this!

I don't know!

It's flowing from the sides!

It's getting on the table!

Jesus!

Glenn: Okay. Don't do that.

Don't do that.

Amir: I don't know what to do!

Glenn: What is it?

Amir: I don't know what to do!

Glenn: Is it coffee?

Amir: Yes, it's coffee!

Glenn: Damn it.

I'm allergic to coffee.

Amir: What do you mean,

you're allergic to coffee?

Glenn: It's terrible.

It wakes me up way too fast.

It increases my heart rate.

It, like, makes me,

like, really energetic.

Sometimes, it gives me anxiety.

Amir: Look! It's about to hit

the lip of the table!

I don't know what to do here!

Glenn: Get on your phone.

Get on your phone.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Amir: Hey.

Amir Yaghoob, Platinum Realty.

Glenn: It's Glenn, you idiot!

Amir: Glenn, help me!

Glenn: I need you to be

my eyes on this. Okay?

All right. Hey, do me a favor.

Amir: What?

Glenn: Shut up. Stay calm.

To the left of the coffee maker,

all right,

I want you to walk three steps.

One, two, three.

Okay. Wait. Take a step back.

One. Good. All right.

You're looking

at some paper towels.

I want you to grab

those paper towels.

Stop crying.

Grab the paper towel.

Amir: Okay.

Glenn: Not the whole thing!

Amir: I don't know

how to get it back in!

Glenn:

Okay! Fine! The whole thing!

I want you to take two steps

back to the right.

Yeah. All right. Now you're back

in front of the coffee maker.

Amir: Yes. I am!

Glenn: Okay.

I want you to take some of the

paper towels off of the roll.

Hurry! What's your problem?!

Amir: Because now it doesn't

have something to hold it up.

Glenn: Oh, my God. You idiot.

Don't worry. Stay calm. Shut up.

Amir:

It's about to get to the lip!

Glenn:

It can't get to the lip!

If it falls down, oh, my God,

it's going to be a mess

to mop up.

Grab some paper towels.

Good. Put your foot on the roll.

Pull.

You only got two.

But start mopping it up.

All right. Look. It's not

enough. It's not enough.

I need you to go

to the red switch on the side

of the coffee maker --

the red switch.

Depress the switch.

Amir: This one?

Glenn: Yes. That one.

Amir: It's not working.

Glenn: Damn it!

Amir: Help, Glenn!

Glenn: Shut up!

Stop panicking.

Let me think. All right?

I need silence.

Amir: I think

we're all out of options.

Glenn: Settle down.

You're going to need

to manually override this, okay?

I need you to grab

the white plug

and pull it out of the wall.

Can you do that for me?

Amir: Which white plug?

Glenn: The white plug!

There's only one white

plug plugged into the

wall! Pull it out!

Amir:

I'm not a scientist, Glenn!

Glenn: Pull the white cord.

Amir: It stopped!

Glenn: It stopped!

Amir:

It stopped! Oh, my God!

Glenn: Oh, my God.

Amir: Oh, my God!

Glenn, you did it.

Glenn: Oh, my god. You did it.

Amir: I couldn't

have done this without you.

Glenn: We got through it.

Amir:

Ah! The boys are back, baby!

Glenn: Yeah, baby!

Back and better than ever!

Amir: [ Laughs ]

???

Baxter: Having Dean as our band

manager has already paid off.

Chelsea: He got us a gig

on "The Real Estate Show."

???

Leatha:

We like to have fun!

My name is Leatha Benet, and

this is "The Real Estate Show."

Baxter: You guys ready?

Chelsea: So excited.

Dean: Yeah.

It's very exciting.

Chelsea: I got a different

harmonica this time.

This one's in F sharp minor.

Dean: Silence.

Chelsea: But it --

Dean: Uh, just so you know,

uh, I'm very grateful, uh, for

you getting us to this point.

And, um, we're going to go

in a different direction.

Chelsea: Oh. What?

Baxter: We? Who's we?

Dean: I hope

you enjoy the performance.

Chelsea: Um, well, oh.

Baxter: What?

Chelsea: Uh, uh...

Leatha: Dean Rosedragon!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Dean:

Got a fresh, new sound for you.

I hope you enjoy it.

Woman: I love you, Dean!

Chelsea: What?

Baxter:

Dean is taking over the band!

Can he even do that?!

Chelsea: Well, according

to this contract, he has to.

Yeah. It's, like,

the only thing guaranteed.

Both: Ugh!

Dean: Morning kitchen,

wild and cold.

My empty mug in hand.

You came in, moving slow,

eyes of a starving man.

Chelsea: Okay, are we tripping

balls right now or is Dean?

Because that is not

the song we wrote!

Dean: Blow it, sax man.

[ Saxophone plays ]

Blow the blues.

Baxter: They didn't

even need our instruments.

Chelsea:

She took it so mean.

Dean: We were meant

to feed each other.

We were meant to feed

each other.

I'll warm my coffee

under your loving gaze.

It's like a thousand suns.

I'll warm my oatmeal

between the leather...

of your moccasins.

We'll eat each other's

hearts and souls

and wind and auras, too!

I'll be your OpenTable, GrubHub,

Yelp, and even Apron Blue.

Baxter:

God, this is so good.

Dean:

I'll be your farmers market,

and you can be my Trader Joe's.

We'll eat the local produce

only local lovers know.

We'll be a soup-and-sandwich

combo deal.

Now, shout it louder...louder.

We'll survive on truth and hugs

and scarves...

and matcha powder.

[ Applause ]

Baxter:

I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Well, so much

for our music careers.

Let's just move on to something

else like, I don't know...

Both: Puppetry?

Chelsea: [ Gasps ]

We're so on the same page!

Dean: I'm being asked to perform

at some desert music festival

called "Cojuela"?

Should be interesting,

and it'll give me a chance

to reconnect with the hologram

of Tupac Shakur.

???

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