Original subtitles

Victoria: It's finally here --

the 88th Greater Los Angeles Real Estate Awards.

The Diamond Dealmakers. [ Chuckles ]

I'm up for five trophies,

but the only one I really care about is Best Broker.

Amir: You're gonna love my Best Supporting Broker speech

and what else I have planned.

Baxter: So, we are up for

Best Visual Effects at an Open House

and also Brokers' Choice Award.

Andrew: We are going to win both awards,

and we have a big dance number in the show.

Baxter: Baxter and Andrew going to the next level, baby.

Andrew: What's up?!

Baxter: Everybody!

Chelsea: The Academy has nominated me for Best Writing

in an Adapted Listing Description.

And the universe has nominated me

for Baddest Bitch at the Party.

Glenn: I guess I didn't impress the Academy Voting Committee

because, according to various Reddit threads,

I'm not going to win Most Improved.

Victoria: Dean's been obsessed with beating Infinity Firm

for the biggest prize -- Best Brokerage.

Dean loves the spotlight.

Dean: Enough!

??

??

Baxter: I'm very excited for the dance I created.

Andrew: Hey. We created.

Baxter: Though I choreographed it.

I sewed the outfits. I composed the music.

I held auditions.

I hired the back-up dancers.

What exactly did you do?

Andrew: [ Chuckling ] I don't know.

What's with the questions?

Glenn: I'm still confused, but the gist is Chelsea

won't date me as long as I'm partner.

Chelsea: I actually think that your rule

from before was right.

Glenn: If I smell a little briny,

it's because I'm in a real pickle.

Dean's like a father to me, but Amir is my best friend,

and he said I should choose Chelsea.

It's like open this jar and let me out!

Victoria: Daddy's not exactly... proud of me.

Well...aren't you...proud of me?

Victoria's Dad: Look, it's how you feel that matters.

Are you proud?

Victoria: But when I win Best Broker,

it'll fix everything.

Brad, why is there two olives in here

when I specifically asked for three?

Just forget it. Fine. This is fine. Hey, there!

Eugene: Hey, how you doing?

Victoria: How are you? Victoria King.

Eugene: Hey, how you doing? I'm Eugene "Rocket" Jackson.

Victoria: Yeah, that's right. Rocket in the house.

I know who you are.

Let's talk about this award.

I'm super excited.

-Eugene: Okay. -Victoria: Are you?

Eugene: Yeah! Yeah, I'm excited --

Victoria: To announce "Victoria King, the winner."

Eugene: Oh, that's what I'm supposed to say?

Victoria: Yes, that's what you're supposed to say.

So, how'd you get into this business, being a broker?

Eugene: Yeah, well, I was playing football,

and then I had to retire when I was 24.

-Victoria: Right. Ooh. -Eugene: And I'm 27 now,

but the doctor says I have the mind of a 68 year old.

But it's okay, you know?

This is a job that's easy.

I ain't gotta do nothing. -Victoria: Well --

Eugene: Walk into a house, people see me --

It's the easiest job in the world.

Everybody could do this job.

Victoria: Oh, everybody can. That's so easy.

Eugene: What do you do when you go to work?

-Victoria: What do I do? -Eugene: Yeah.

Sometimes I gotta hit myself, I'm so bored in my office.

I don't do nothing. I bang my head against the wall.

Victoria: Why would you -- why would you do that?

Why would you -- -Eugene: 'Cause it's boring.

Job is stupid!

Victoria: Yeah, I think you're not appreciating...

Eugene: Appreciate? What do I have to appreciate?

Victoria: ...what's really exciting about the job.

Eugene: Give me something exciting. I would love to know.

Victoria: Well, for instance, you list a house.

You don't know if it's gonna sell,

and you don't know what price it's gonna sell for,

and you don't know who's gonna buy it.

Eugene: I once lost an eye.

-Victoria: What? -Eugene: Yeah.

This eye was out, and they put it back in.

Victoria: Is that the real --

-Eugene: That's the real one. -Victoria: Is that a fake eye?

Eugene: Yeah, luckily, it stayed on the strap. That's exciting.

Victoria: Did you pop it back in?

Eugene: No. No, no, the doctor did.

That's what a doctor's for.

They also have an exciting job.

This...is bullshit.

[ Laughs ] Cheers, baby girl.

That dress is nice! -Victoria: Yeah.

Eugene: How many sequins are on that?

Victoria: This guy's an idiot!

Being a broker is the highest calling one can answer,

[voice breaking] and I am proud to be one.

Andrew: This is what bothers me about you is that you can --

you can come across as very likable sometimes,

and I know deep down inside,

you just want to screw everyone over.

Baxter: Andrew is wasting time with Jeannie

when he knows we need to rehearse backstage.

That said, I do have a handsome boy

to talk to while I wait.

You like toe play?

Madison: I didn't know that I enjoyed

my feet being played with. -Baxter: Right.

Madison: And then this guy was going down on my feet...

Baxter: You were both discovering yourselves?

Madison: ...as I was -- Yeah.

So, he went off on my foot for,

like, a half an hour, and I went off --

Baxter: On his...

Madison: My foot went off in his face

[laughing] for half an hour.

Baxter: Whoa! I'm Baxter, by the way.

-Madison: Yeah, hi. Madison. -Baxter: Nice to meet you.

Madison: We digress. Baxter: My toe is hard!

Madison: [ Laughs ] Touch�.

Baxter: It usually is. It has a bone in it. But, like...

I should have said I have 10 little boners for him.

Glenn: I don't think the other brokers

realize everything that's at stake here.

To Dean, Serge and Gio, this is more than just a trophy.

It's life and death.

-Gio: You're going down. -Serge: You're going down. -Dean: You're going down.

Gio: Your whole company's going down.

Dean: Your whole company's going down.

And by the terms of our death pact,

you must kill yourselves,

I will absorb your power and properties.

Serge: That's fair.

-Gio: We agree to this. -Serge: We agree.

-Dean: We agree to this? -Serge: We agree to this.

-Gio: We agree to this. -Serge: Yes, we agree to this.

[ All chanting "Death pact" ]

Serge: I got a guy who can do something for us to Dean.

You know what is Lyme disease?

Gio: Is it like, uh, scurvy?

Like you don't have enough limes,

and your knees go funny? -Serge: No, no, no, no, no.

You get it from a deer tick,

and I got a guy who can get a deer tick

that definitely has Lyme disease.

Gio: You got a deer-tick guy? Serge: [ Clicks tongue ]

-Gio: Accidents happen. -Serge: Accidents happen.

Gio: People get bit by deer ticks.

Serge: People get Lyme disease, and they get super lethargic.

Gio: Like...dead lethargic?

Serge: No, no, no, no. You live. You're fine.

-Gio: You're fine? -Serge: You're fine.

-Gio: Just a little sleepy. -Serge: So lethargic, though.

Gio: You gonna be a little sleepy, Dean.

??

Glenn: I made my decision, and there's no turning back.

Now I just have to tell Chelsea.

Chelsea: Glenn, you're not gonna believe this.

-Glenn: Hey. -Chelsea: The bathroom attendant

is my old high-school bully, Marisa Lopez.

-Glenn: Wow. -Chelsea: Yeah.

I was like, "Sorry about your life and your haircut."

Glenn: [ Chuckles ] I'm sure it looks, uh, terrible.

She probably looks like a cat.

Chelsea: Oh, she does. She looks like a wet cat.

Glenn: Um, Chelsea, I'm glad you're here.

I-I-I was really thinking about what you said,

and I talked to Dean.

I gave up being partner so that we can be together.

Chelsea: What?!

Glenn: I told Dean I don't want the partnership.

He said I was a common fool,

and then he asked me to retie his tie for him.

I think it's the right thing to do.

I thought about it for a while.

Chelsea: Glenn, that's not why I said we shouldn't together.

Why did you do that? -Glenn: What do you mean?

Chelsea: I...sort of... started seeing someone.

Glenn: What?!

[ Panting ]

Chelsea: Yeah, I know. It was fast. I just --

Like, you can't --

Glenn: Who are you seeing?

I don't understand.

-Amir: Hi, honey. -Chelsea: Hi!

Glenn: Amir?!

Amir: If you don't take drastic measures

to get Chelsea, someone else will.

Glenn: I-I-I couldn't live with that.

I don't want that to happen.

Amir: No, you don't.

So, you know what you have to do.

Glenn: I should give up being partner.

Amir: Check and mate.

Hey, Glenn.

Honey, can you get me a drink?

-Chelsea: What? -Amir: Now.

Chelsea: Hey, you know what? I had a thought.

I was gonna go get a drink.

Would you like one because I'm kind?

-Amir: Yeah. -Chelsea: Great.

That's how we do that. -Amir: That's good.

Chelsea: All right. Yeah, Amir's kind of a douche.

But he has some hidden layers to him.

Plus he's huge on Snapchat,

And I want to merge our online empires.

Amir: Ohhh...I'm sorry man.

I'm so sorry that it had to go down this way.

Glenn: I don't understand. I-I gave up partner.

Amir: Exactly, Glenn.

You gave up partner.

Glenn: My best friend stole my girl and ruined my life!

[ Sobbing ] N-N-No!

Amir: [ Mocking ] Y-Y-Yeah!

Hey, no hard feelings, buddy, huh?

No hard feelings except...

for that hard feeling.

Glenn: It's not hard, it's soft.

What's in between your balls and your dick?

It's soft.

Amir: It has the potential to get hard.

When it gets hard, though,

I will be fucking Chelsea

and at the same time, fucking you

because that was my plan all along.

-Glenn: You set me up. -Amir: I did.

Glenn: You set Chelsea up.

Amir: It was nothing personal.

It's real estate.

Glenn: [ Panting ] You set us up!

Amir: Glenn! Glenn! Glenn!

Glenn: Taste my fist!

Glenn: I hope Amir liked the taste of my knuckle sandwich!

Glad he didn't fill up on slap-petizers

and saved room for dess-hurt.

Amir: Geez! What's this guy's problem?!

You'd think he'd never been publicly humiliated

and catastrophically betrayed before!

Chelsea: Amir used me to get Glen

to give up the partnership.

Not cool! I just sent him a text that said, "Ya dumped."

??

Baxter: I was finally able to get Andrew away

from the party and into his dance outfit.

Andrew: Yeah, it's gonna be intense going from winning

the Brokers' Choice Award

to killing it in our dance number.

Madison: It is my distinctive honor

to be here tonight to give you the nominees

for the Brokers' Choice Award.

-Baxter: You ready? -Andrew: Are you ready?

Are we ready? -Baxter: Of course we're ready.

-Andrew: Yeah, you're right. -Baxter: We've been waiting

on this since the first time we did Oxycontin together, okay?

Andrew: Yeah. Brokers' Choice is the only award tonight

that's chosen by our peers and not just a committee.

Andrew: Ow.

What we gotta do is go out there...win...

Andrew: ...Win the award... Baxter: ...together.

Andrew: Check.

Both: Dance together. Check.

Baxter: Then everything we want will be ours.

Andrew: And then we'll go home, and we'll be bros forever!

Baxter: For life!

Oh, I said life. I'll say ever.

Madison: And we have three nominees this evening --

Andrew and Baxter...

...Jimothy C.K., and Tina Inger.

And tonight's Diamond Dealmaker Award goes to...

...Baxter Reynolds!

[ Applause ]

Glenn: Wait, just Baxter?

Baxter: Yes!

Amir: Holy shit! Baxter won by himself?!

-Madison: Baxter Reynolds. -Andrew: Wait.

Wait till they say my name.

-Madison: Baxter Reynolds. -Andrew: No, hold on.

-Baxter: Yeah. -Madison: Just Baxter Reynolds.

Baxter, Congratulations.

Baxter: Ah, thank you. Thank you so much, Madison.

Madison: Congrats. Oh, sorry. Just Baxter.

Baxter: Whoo!

Okay, um...I wasn't, uh, expecting to win this. Um, okay.

Andrew: This is crazy.

The only way that this could have happened

is if every single voter crossed out my name on the bal--

ballot.

Oh, ouch.

Baxter: Uh, I want to thank the Platinum team, uh, Dean.

Yeah, give it up for them --

Dean, Amir, Chelsea, Victoria, Glenn.

Kids, if you're watching, uh, go to sleep.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, and, of course, um, I love him.

He walks by my side every day.

Andrew: I am crushed,

but at least Baxy will give me a special shout-out.

Baxter: He is my everything.

Jesus Christ.

Thank you so much! Thank you!

[ Applause ] Andrew: Fuck! Fuck!

Baxter: [ Laughing ]

It's hit me!

I can't believe I won this!

And now, I get to dance, too!

??

Andrew: How could you?

Baxter: What?

You're just jealous.

Victoria: They don't really know what they're doing.

Chelsea: No.

Andrew: Out of every friend, you do this to me?

You know what? I can't even do this.

Baxter: What?

Andrew: I can't do this anymore.

Baxter: What are you talking about?

Do the dance!

Andrew: We were gonna do this together! Everything!

Baxter: I can't help they voted for just me!

Andrew: You shouldn't have accepted it!!

Baxter: What do you want me to do?!

Just not take the award?!

Andrew: That's what I would've done!

What's good for one of us is good for both of us!

Baxter: Not anymore!

Andrew: Andrew and Baxter are no longer a duo!

-Baxter: That's not true! -Andrew: Yes, it is!!

Baxter: That's no true! Come back!

Andrew: It's true!!

Baxter: We're about to Tut!

Andrew: All right, well, let's see how Baxter

likes being a solo act.

Baxter: 5, 6, 7, 8!

You love this part!

What are you doing?!

I'm not a bad person!

Serge: [ Laughing ]

Chelsea: I think Andrew and Baxter just broke up.

??

[ Both snorting and gasping ]

Victoria: So, the bros are fighting, and --

Actually, I don't care.

My category is up next.

Eugene: Here we go, y'all. Big moment.

And the winner is for Best Broker...

Victoria: It's like the award is already in my hands.

Eugene: ...Victoria King!

Victoria: Yes!

Yes, yes!

Daddy, are you watching?

Eugene: Come on up here, girl! Yeah.

All right.

Chelsea: I'm happy for her,

but we are never gonna hear the end of this.

Eugene: Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Victoria: [ Sighs ] Wow.

What an honor. So deserved.

Looking down on all of you.

Eugene: I'm sorry. I'm sorry to cut you off.

I got to. I'm sorry, y'all.

Victoria: I think I get more time.

Eugene: No, I'm sorry, y'all.

There's been a mistake, y'all.

There has been a wrongdoing.

Victoria: What?

Eugene: Okay? And somebody has done something wrong.

-Victoria: Who? -Eugene: It was me.

I did something wrong. -Victoria: What?

Eugene: I announced the wrong winner.

Victoria King is not the winner of this award.

She is the loser of this award.

If this was a boxing match, she would be knocked out.

If this was golf, she would be a bogey.

If this was grits, she would be Cream of Wheat.

Victoria: Just spit it out already!

Eugene: The real winner of this award --

Don't cry, girl, 'cause it's my fault.

The real winner of the Best Broker Award is...

Miss Jeannie Marchand. Come on up here, girl.

Amir: What?!

Victoria: No, no!

This can't be happening!

Eugene: Snatch it! Snatch it like a purse.

[ Laughs ] All right.

Victoria: Dean...

Jeannie: Thank you so much.

How gracious of you. You're a real hero.

Victoria: No, no, no!

Why is this happening to me?!

Daddy!

Jeannie: Let go of it.

I am so grateful to get to do the job

that I get to do every day.

I don't take my talent for granted.

Victoria: You're on my -- you're on my dress.

Andrew: Welcome to my world, Victoria.

Grab yourself a turd and start sucking.

Jeannie: And when I wake up every day,

I make a wish that one day every child

will live in a home with a view of the ocean.

Thank you so much.

I'm not starving tonight, Mama!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Eugene: The real winner!

Victoria: Sit down!

Sit the fuck down!

[ Shouting indistinctly ]

??

Victoria: Rocket was right.

Real estate is empty and pointless and stupid!

Glenn: My best friend betrayed me,

cost me my dream job, stole the love of my life.

Amir Yaghoob Michelle, feel...my...wrath!

Amir: It's odd. After betraying Glenn

and manipulating Chelsea,

I have this kind of hollow, kind of achy feeling,

like, right here.

It's weird, right?

Chelsea: I dislike everyone I work with.

They don't take me seriously,

and I got caught between two idiots.

Well, that's gonna change.

Andrew: Andrew Wright is now a solo broker.

Me and Bax -- finished.

Baxter: You know what I just realized?

Andrew's dead weight.

I am better off on my own.

Gio: [ Laughs ]

[ Moans ] Sure taste good!

Sure taste good. [ Moans ]

Chelsea: The show's been going on for two hours.

I lost my award to Serge and Gio, for fuck's sake.

They've been unstoppable so far.

They have more awards between them than eyebrows.

Glenn: Here we go -- the most important award of the night --

Best Brokerage.

If Platinum wins this, Dean will finally achieve

his dream of winning a TODD.

Dean: Infinity will not stand in the way

of my dream of achieving TODD --

Tony, Oscar, Diamond Dealmaker.

Stoffanie: As president of the voting committee

for the regional real estate awards,

it is my pleasure to present

to you the final award

of the night for best brokerage.

The two nominees are...

Platinum Reality...

[ Applause ]

...and Infinity Firm.

The winner of the Diamond is...

...Platinum Realty.

Dean: Yes!!

Yes!!

Yes!

[ Laughing ]

Wait.

Victoria: Yay. We won.

Dean: Ladies and gentlemen,

my fellow sellers of land,

this means a great deal to me,

especially considering there were only two nominees!

Someone had to win, and someone did lose.

You know, what we do is not just about rewards.

That's just 90% of it.

The rest of it is about people.

Get up, get out, and sell properties!

There's a bond among all of these people behind me

that cannot be broken.

Glenn: You're disgusting me.

-Chelsea: Oh, okay. -Glenn: You're disgusting.

-Victoria: It's my chair! -Amir: It belongs to the gym!

Dean: Glenn, get that fucking cake out of my office!

They are like a little family to me.

We are like a family up here.

Glenn: You made this nice man cry at my penis,

you bunch of assholes!

[ Laughter ]

Dean: And I don't think anyone on this stage

would bother coming in to work every day

if they didn't care deeply about each other.

Victoria: [ Gasping, gagging ]

Baxter: [ Laughing ] She's choking.

-Amir: You like that? -Glenn: Oh, you like that?

-Amir: Yeah, you like that? -Glenn: You like that?

Chelsea: Happy birthday, motherfucker.

Dean: This is the proof

that we belong together, all of us,

for so long as God shall have us be alive.

Chelsea: Put me down, you fucking beast!

Baxter: It's not worth it!

Dean: We killed you in the jungle!

Andrew: No, no, no, no, no! No! Baxter!

Dean: So, from our family to all of you,

thank you very much!

[ Applause ] Thank you for helping me

achieve TODD!

[ Chanting "TODD" ]

I'm looking at you losers through my award.

Stoffanie: Oh, Dean!

Do you have it? -Dean: Yes.

Here is the...fruit salad that we discussed earlier.

Stoffanie: Um, not really eating sugar right now.

Dean: This is the...uh...

Christmas has come early and here is your present.

Stoffanie: I'm Jewish.

Dean: Do you remember when we had that conversation before?

Stoffanie: Was it Tuesday that we talked?

Because I'm not -- -Dean: It was Tuesday.

It was Tuesday. This is the...

prize at the end of the treasure map.

Stoffanie: We talked about treasure?

Dean: We -- [ Sighs ]

Stoffanie: When we talked last week,

you were supposed to bring $500,000 in cash,

and then I was gonna rig the award ceremony for you

because you totally weren't gonna win.

Dean: I do remember that now.

It occurs to me that that's what this briefcase is full of.

It's full of $500,000.

Stoffanie: Oh!

[ Laughs ]

Dean: I'd like for this exchange to be over.

Stoffanie: Right. Me, too. I have money to count.

Dean: In -- In a private place...

Stoffanie: Yes. Dean:...where no one is around.

Stoffanie: We're doing an addition on our property.

-Dean: I'm gonna stop you there. -Stoffanie: Just...yeah.

-Dean: Congratulations. -Stoffanie: Yeah.

Dean: And if you ever need to sell that place,

you know who to call. -Stoffanie: Oh, we have someone.

Dean: I'm going to go away now.

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