Original subtitles

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Glenn: It's Dean's birthday tomorrow,

and I've taken it upon myself, as partner,

to plan a special surprise for him.

[ Trills ]

Okay, you guys, as you know, we have Dean's party coming up,

and it is a "Predator" party

because "Predator" was based on the events of Dean's life.

Chelsea: In olden times, the 1980s,

Dean was supposedly in the special forces,

and I guess they had a mission in South America

that a movie was based on.

Glenn: My mom told me my father was on that mission.

The actor that portrayed him in that movie was Carl Weathers.

Victoria: I love Dean more than money and Vicodin combined,

but there's no way that happened.

You're trying to tell me that this guy

that owns a real-estate company now

was once part of a rescue team

and went to a jungle and fought an alien?

Glenn: Yes! Victoria: I mean, come on!

Glenn: Yes, okay? Baxter: Wouldn't that have made huge headlines?

Glenn: It made a movie. Isn't that enough for you?

A best-selling movie.

Andrew: It would have been on, like, a "60 Minutes."

Glenn: "60 Minutes" couldn't cover it.

Baxter: I've seen the movie, and at the beginning,

it never says, "Based on true events."

Chelsea: It does not say that.

Victoria: Do you have any proof of this?

Glenn: Yeah, I have proof.

My father died in the jungle helping Dean escape! Victoria: Okay.

Glenn: My daddy was a hero, and you shut up!

Amir: I mean, Dean is Glenn's father, so, come on.

Chelsea: Hypothetically, what --

what happens at a "Predator" party?

Glenn: Okay, there are "Predator"-themed games.

There are "Predator"-themed snacks.

Maybe Predator will make an appearance. I don't know.

It's just a way to honor the fact that Dean comes --

Andrew: So he will. Glenn: "So he will"...?

Andrew: Make an appearance.

Glenn: Yes, Dean will be there.

Baxter: No, Predator. Andrew: No, the Predator.

You're trying to make it seem like maybe he won't.

Is he going to? Glenn: I don't know.

Chelsea: He's obviously going to.

Amir: You're smiling whenever you say that.

Andrew: He's going to.

Baxter: Who is gonna be dressed like Predator who's coming?

Glenn: I don't know. Maybe the actual Predator will show up.

Baxter: My buddy Trey has long braids.

He can dress up like Predator. Chelsea: Let's be careful.

Victoria: Is he a predator?

Chelsea: Let's just make sure we're not just getting anyone

with braids and calling them a predator.

It's just gonna get awkward.

Amir: Guys, I think Trey needs a job. Trey's life matters.

Victoria: Are we gonna give Trey a background check? Glenn: This Trey idea's out.

Andrew: Can't we just do cowboys or something?

??

Chelsea: Dean looks fantastic on the cake. I'm gonna be honest.

Amir: It looks a lot better than I thought it was gonna look.

Victoria: I mean, I'm against this idea, but he looks amazing.

Chelsea: It all kind of came together. I don't mind it.

Dean: Surprise. Amir: Surprise.

Baxter: Surprise!

Victoria: We were gonna say it.

Dean: What is this?

Andrew: Cake.

Dean: Why? Chelsea: For you.

Dean: Have you all forgotten my zero-tolerance policy

towards cake?

Cake is a dessert for the very young

and the elderly awaiting death.

It is not sophisticated.

It is not Platinum. It has no place in this office.

I want this poor excuse for a dessert

ground down into the garbage disposal.

Predator: [ Growling ] Dean: Get a...

No!

It can't be you! We killed you!

We killed you in the jungle!

Predator: [ Growls ] Dean: No!

Be gone! Be gone!

Glenn: Dean, Dean, Dean, it's not the -- It's me, Glenn.

It's not the Predator. Okay, this is the Predator.

Dean: Argh! Chelsea: Take it off! Now!

Glenn: No, I'm Glenn. Guys, help me.

Dean: I've got to get to the chopper!

Glenn: I'm not trying -- Dean, I'm just trying to help you.

Dean: No!

Victoria: Putting it back on! Take it off!

Amir: Take the mask off. Glenn: Help me.

Amir: Take the mask off.

Dean: Get -- Get -- Get to the chopper, Glenn.

Get to the chopper. Glenn: Dean, relax.

Baxter: Show him the mask. It's just a mask.

It's just a mask. Chelsea: Dean, it's just a mask.

Baxter: This is the Predator. Dean: [ Moans ] No!

Glenn: Take it away! Victoria: Bad idea!

Together: ? Happy birthday to you ?

? Happy birthday to you ?

Glenn: Do you believe me now?!

Do you believe me now?!

Together: ? Happy birthday dear Dean ?

??

Victoria: I've got great news

for my client who's selling her house.

Her name is Athena,

and she's an MMA fighting champion.

Attagirl.

Athena: Hey.

Victoria: I got an offer for you.

Athena: Bring it in.

Victoria: You want to just talk outside?

Athena: Come on. Man: Come on. Jump in.

Athena: Let's get some gloves on.

Victoria: Oh, yeah, no. Okay, yeah, no, definitely.

Athena: We don't stop. Victoria: Okay.

I'm not really warmed up, but I'm...

Athena: Throw some gloves on.

Victoria: Great, yeah.

Some, uh -- Some gloves.

Ready for this? Athena: I'm so ready.

Victoria: 8.2. All cash.

Athena: We said 8.4.

Come on.

Victoria: It's all cash, all right?

And just -- just a few contingencies.

Athena: I'm sorry?

Victoria: Well, for one, he --

he wants some money for basement repairs.

Athena: Really? Really?

What else?

Victoria: You know, we should do kicks.

You need to work on your kicks. You seem stiff.

Athena: Wow! Victoria: I'm being honest.

Athena: I'm the stiff one. Okay.

Victoria: A couple more things.

[ Sighing ]

Athena: Yeah, what was it?

Victoria: He really loves your washer and dryer.

Athena: Washer and dryer are staying with me, okay?

Victoria: That's fine.

I think we should take a water break.

Athena: I feel like I don't know if you got this.

Victoria: It's just the washer and dryer.

Athena: Contingencies, 8.2, my favorite washer and dryer.

Victoria: No one's gonna get you more money than that.

Athena: Who is this guy, by the way?

Victoria: I don't know, he's some doctor.

He's a podiatrist or something.

Athena: All right.

Why doesn't he come in here and chat with me man-to-man?

Victoria: Okay. I'm not gonna bring him in here.

That's why you have a broker. I'll talk to him.

Athena: Yeah, I do have a broker,

and she's not doing her job.

So, bring him in here. We'll chat it out proper.

Call him, Vic.

Victoria: Keep working on your kicks.

Athena: Thanks. Thanks for taking care of that.

Victoria: It doesn't even hurt.

??

Baxter: Graham, thanks for coming in.

Andrew: Absolutely.

Graham: I just want to say, before we start,

I'm really a big fan of both you guys.

I-I love the show.

I think you guys do a great job

finding people beautiful places to live.

But I also...

think you guys are pretty cool.

Andrew: Doing this show is great advertisement for us.

Baxter: A lot of our new clients

are actually fans of "Bajillion Dollar Properties."

Graham: You're, like, my favorite couple on TV.

Baxter: Ha. Thank you. Thanks.

We're not together in our...

Graham: Really?

Baxter: Really, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Andrew: Yeah. Graham: Oh, that's so funny.

Like, the chemistry with you guys is, like, really palpable.

Baxter: Well, yeah.

Yeah, we've been friends for a while, but we're actually --

Graham: You're not a couple? Baxter: We're not together.

Graham: But you're both gay.

Baxter: I'm gay, and he's not.

Graham: Okay.

Well, I just want to say it's -- I'm just, like, genuinely --

I don't want to geek out or get weird with you guys.

Baxter: No, no, no, no. It's just us.

There's no cameras here. There's nothing.

Don't -- Yeah, no, that's -- Don't worry about it.

Graham: Yeah.

It's just three dudes looking for a place.

Baxter: Yeah, that's all it is. The cameras aren't here.

Don't feel like you have to look at them or reference them.

You know, they're -- they're just part of the decor,

you know what I mean?

Are you looking at the microphone?

Don't worry about the mike. Graham: Okay.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Baxter: That's all right. Andrew: No, don't be sorry.

Baxter: Don't feel like you have to play anything up

or, you know, reference the camera.

Graham: I'm looking for a place...

a new place to move into.

Baxter: Okay.

Graham: And I'm excited about seeing what is out there.

Andrew: That's a good start. Baxter: Great.

Andrew: Our job right here is not to worry about this stuff.

It's to worry about you and make sure

that you get the place that you need and want.

Baxter: Now, all of these are on the west side, which you wanted.

Some of them are really west, you know, on the beach here,

and also we have, like -- have a couple in the hills.

So, if you see something you're responding to --

Graham: Mm-hmm.

Baxter: Are you looking? Just look here.

Andrew: Right down here, Graham.

Baxter: And if you see a front door that you like...

Graham: Yeah. Baxter: ...or a yard.

Graham: This is an actual grass?

Andrew: Retractable turf.

Baxter: Yeah, the drought right now, so we have -- we have turf.

You can do anything you want with this yard.

It's up to you.

Graham: Great.

Baxter: I feel like ever since we talked about the cameras,

you've been staring directly at them.

If you want, just -- They're not here.

Andrew: Look at this.

Graham: Yeah, this -- Oh, this is great.

This -- This place looks beautiful.

Um, it's a little outside of my price range.

I thought Chelsea had talked to you.

My budget's around $800,000 to about $900,000.

Baxter: Wait, you -- Chelsea is who referred you to us?

Graham: Mm-hmm.

Andrew: Did you say 800,000...

$20 bills?

Graham: N-No, $800,000,

and I was hoping to get a mortgage,

like a 20-to-1 arm.

Baxter: So you don't even have this in all cash?

Graham: Go halfsies on it?

Baxter: Go halfsies?

Andrew: We probably wouldn't --

Graham: Do you guys need another roommate?

Chelsea: If you take food out of the break-room fridge

that is clearly labeled "Chelsea's Yum-yums,"

you get got.

??

Glenn: Yesterday's "Predator" party

was a disaster of epic proportions

that nearly killed Dean.

But today is a brand-new day.

Amir: What I bring to the table...

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Dean: Hello.

Victoria: Hello, Dean. Glenn: Hello, Dean.

Dean: It's time for our meeting --

human meeting that humans have.

What, uh, properties are we looking at, team?

Amir: I was just telling Victoria that I actually

just sold the three-family in Silver Lake.

Dean: Place your hands on the table.

Everyone do that.

Everyone just place your hands on the table.

Thank you. Chelsea: Okay.

Dean: No one -- No one hold anything.

Put things down.

Andrew: We have a beautiful -- a seven-bedroom.

Baxter: Up in Calabasas.

Dean: Why are you approaching me?

There's no need. I can hear you.

Baxter: Okay.

Well, it's just -- It's very -- It's great.

Dean: Hands down. Hands down. Hands down.

Baxter: It's on -- It's on 16 acres, so it's very secluded.

Dean: Too secluded. 16 acres.

There's so much room to hunt.

It's not -- It's not good. Don't you see? It's not good.

Amir: You can't hunt within the city limits.

There's no hunting in Calabasas.

Dean: Well, tell them that. Tell them that!

Glenn: Dean... Dean: Pens down.

Glenn: Sorry. Sorry. Dean: No pens.

Glenn: So, I've got a property

that's on three acres in Highland Park, and...

[Coughs]

Dean: What was that?

Glenn: It's just -- I have a dry...throat right now.

I was just coughing.

Dean: Keep -- Keep your throat wet.

Glenn: Okay.

Dean: Let's stop talking about properties for one second

and talk about what we should be talking about,

which is how the predators want to hunt us all down.

If you hear clicking, be sure to --

Mara: Mr. Rosedragon... Dean: No!

Victoria: Whoa! Chelsea: Whoa!

Dean: Predators!

Mara: That's the third one today. [ Chuckles ]

Glenn: Dear God, I've destroyed him.

??

Victoria: My client Athena asked me to arrange a meeting

with the foot doctor who wants to buy her house.

Once he enters her world, he'll realize who he's dealing with,

plus his broker's a little bitch.

??

Who the fuck is that?

Athena: Vic, he's not a podiatrist.

He's The Podiatrist.

Our buddy is a pro wrestler, not a foot doctor.

Victoria: Oh.

Amir: My client is Brash Roderick.

He's called "The Podiatrist"

because all of his finishing moves are foot-related.

The Toe Crusher, The Devil's Pedicure,

The Hangnail Hurrah!

Brash: Hey, Blonda Rousey.

Athena: Wow.

Brash: I heard you wanted to talk to me directly.

Athena: Yeah, I did. 8.4, friend.

Victoria: 8.4, friend.

Amir: 8.2 is a fair offer.

All cash. Easy close.

Victoria: I think we can do better than that.

Athena: Yep. Brash: 8.2.

I keep the washer-dryer,

and you clean up that dirty basement of yours, sweetheart.

Athena: There's a better way to settle this -- one-on-one.

Why don't you hop in here, buddy?

Amir: Ohh! Athena: Bring it in here, buddy.

Amir: You want to settle this?

You want to get your bunions shaved?

Athena: Let's negotiate the agreement here.

Brash: The Doctor is about to make a house call.

Amir: God...

Give me, like, a three, two, one.

Holy shit!

My buyer is gonna fight Victoria's seller?

Ohh. I have a total violence boner right now.

Ha!

Victoria: Amir, get in the elevator and hit "B"

'cause you're going down, brother.

Chelsea: I got a call out of the blue from the notorious Vitali,

an old client of Baxter and Andrew's.

He's got a reputation, but he's incredibly rich.

Apparently too rich for Baxter and Andrew's blood.

Vitali: Thank you for coming. Chelsea: Thank you.

I've heard a lot about you.

Vitali: You have? Chelsea: Yeah.

Vitali: I hope not on any telephonic devices,

which can be recorded. [ Laughs ]

Chelsea: Oh, no, no.

I have no ties to law enforcement.

Vitali: Oh, no, but they listen to everything.

So seriously, don't ever talk about me on the phone ever.

Thank you. Chelsea: No problem.

Whatever you need. So, what are you looking for?

How can I help you?

Vitali: I am looking for

a modest, uh, third home in the area,

maybe the $40, $50 million range.

Chelsea: Um, I'm sorry,

I couldn't help but notice on your hand...?

Vitali: Oh, this? Chelsea: Yeah.

Vitali: Oh, this is, um -- I had a --

I was putting something in the trunk

that didn't want to go in the trunk.

[ Laughs ] You know what I mean?

But if anybody asks, it's more clean to just say, like,

"Uh, I was picking lemons."

[ Laughs ]

Just say, "Yeah, he was picking lemons."

Chelsea: Picking lemons, okay.

I'll remember that, in case I'm talking about you on the phone.

Just kidding. Vitali: Okay.

Chelsea: I'm messing with you.

Vitali: I don't want to have to unscrew you.

Chelsea: Um, what?

Vitali: I just mean if you talk on the phone about me,

then I'm gonna have to, you know,

just, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Boop! Boop!

And then, ch, ch, ch -- Boop!

And then somewhere very far away...

Ch, ch, ch -- Boop! Ch, ch, ch.

But before we do that, we go boop, boop.

And then these things go very far over here

and very far over here.

Ch, ch, ch -- Boop. Ch, ch, ch, ch -- Boop.

And then these go boop!

And then these get put on a drone,

and the drone gets flown to the middle of the ocean,

and then boop!

And then it's very hard to find you.

Chelsea: Well, I've always loved to travel.

Vitali: Notice I did not say any illegal words.

Not one illegal word.

I'm just telling a little, fun story.

Ch, ch, ch -- Boop! Ch, ch, ch -- Boop!

Boop! Boop! Chelsea: I see.

Vitali: Boop! Boop! [ Trills ] Boop!

You know what I mean?

So, when can you, you know, start,

uh, looking for a house for me?

Chelsea: How about Tuesday at 9:00?

Vitali: I think I'm free. Chelsea: Okay.

Vitali: [ Laughs ] Chelsea: Oh! Don't put it on a drone.

Vitali: Ohh!

Ch, ch, ch, ch [Imitates mechanical whirring] Boop!

[ Laughs ]

[ Both laugh ]

Baxter: We got you back, Chelsea!

Andrew: We had to fake our own deaths to do it.

Baxter: We are currently in hiding.

Andrew: Yes. Hi, nice to meet you.

Uh [As Ronald Reagan] my name is Ronald Reagan.

Baxter: [ As Bill Clinton ] And I'm Bill Clinton.

??

Amir: Come on! Victoria: Let's do this.

Amir's client thinks he can get Athena to lower the price,

but he's got another thing coming,

and it's coming right up his lily-livered ass.

Amir: My client, The Podiatrist,

is about to teach Victoria's client, Athena,

the meaning of the phrase "lower than asking price"!

Brash: I saw mold in the basement!

Athena: That's not mold. That's a mural.

Victoria: Yeah! Amir: Ohh! God!

Come on, Podiatrist! Victoria: Attagirl!

Amir: Come on!

Victoria: Yeah, baby!

You get that 8.4! You get that 8.4!

Brash: [ Groans ]

Athena: Ohh. Brash: [ Laughs ]

Amir: Right in the pussy!

Victoria: Give him a 30-year fixed!

Brash: I want you to pay for that tree

in the front yard to be removed.

Athena: That's not going anywhere!

Boom!

Victoria: No washer and dryer for you, asshole.

Brash: I'm not crazy about the view from the bedroom.

Athena: I can't move a mountain!

Victoria: Shit!

Brash: I want you to knock off 10 grand.

The school districts are terrible.

Athena: You don't even have kids!

Amir: Close the deal!

Victoria: Ohh!

Amir: Yes!

Brash: Let's have a look at that foot.

Aah!

Amir: All cash! No mercy!

Athena: [ Yells ]

Victoria: Yeah!

Amir: Oh!

Victoria: Not her face!

Brash: The Doctor is in.

Ohh!

Victoria: That's right. Again.

Ohh!

Both: Ohh!

Amir: 8.4 is fair!

You give -- Come on, come on, come on!

No, no.

Victoria: If he even touches her face again,

I swear to God, Amir! Amir: Stop it!

Victoria: Her beautiful face!

Keep running! Amir: [ Moans ]

Athena: 8.3, and I keep the washer-dryer.

Brash: That's fair. Victoria: Got a real chair.

Athena: Deal? Brash: Deal.

Want to get out of here? Athena: Grab a beer?

Brash: Make it a protein shake, and I'm in.

Athena: Of course.

Victoria: Give me the chair! Amir: Let go of the dumb chair!

Victoria: I grabbed it first.

Amir: It's a chair! It's a chair!

Victoria: It's my chair! Amir: It belongs to the gym!

Victoria: I got it first! Amir: [ Groans ]

Victoria: Shut up!

Amir: Where'd they go?

??

Glenn: This "Predator"-induced PTSD has broken Dean,

and it's up to me to un-break him.

It's time to do what the Internet calls

immersion therapy.

Dean: [ Moaning ]

Glenn: Dean, this is your cake.

Dean: [ Whimpers ]

I don't eat cake, Glenn. I have this.

I roll up the corner and I put it in the corner of my eye,

and I call it my Sharpie and it makes me feel good.

Glenn: We all have our coping mechanisms.

We're going to confront this problem.

Just trust me. Dean: Trust you?

What are you doing? Glenn: Just trust me.

Dean: [ Groans ]

Glenn: No, no, no.

Dean. Dean, it's all right.

Dean: No! Glenn: Dean, it's okay.

Shh. It's okay. Hey, it's just me.

Hey, the Predator. I'm being cool.

You're being cool, okay?

No one's trying to kill each other.

Okay, sorry, sorry.

Dean: Is this a trick? Glenn: No tricks.

Trust me, okay? I'm calling a truce.

Dean: Hmm?

Glenn: The Predator wants to shake your hand.

Dean: [ Straining ] Going... against every...

instinct.

Glenn: Good. Good, Dean.

Good.

Now, Dean, I want to know why you're so afraid of me.

Dean: You're a Predator.

Glenn: Yes, I'm a Predator.

Dean: I mean, that's what you call yourself.

It's not like your name is Jim. Glenn: I can't change my name.

Dean: Why can't you?

Glenn: You think I look like a Jim?

Dean: You're scary.

Glenn: Dean, you defeated me.

Why are you scared of me?

Dean: You killed my whole platoon!

Glenn: That's it? Dean: That's kind of a big deal!

Glenn: Everyone in this room,

raise their hand if you've killed a Predator.

Okay, let's count the hands. One. That's it.

I'm telling you you're a man of exceptional talent, skill.

Do you know how much I wanted to kill you?

Dean: So very much. Glenn: So much.

Dean: But you couldn't succeed. Glenn: I know.

Dean: Just like my father!

Glenn: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

There's some issues there. I want to know about that.

Dean: We were in a canoe.

Father said, "Crapping my style."

Glenn: Wait, you're crapping his style or cramping?

Dean: Which is the expression that everyone knows?

Glenn: Well, Predators know, "You're crapping my style,"

but you humans say "cramping my style."

Dean: Yes, so I'm a human. So which do you think I meant?

Glenn: Oh, okay, you meant "cramping my style."

Dean: Yes. Glenn: Right.

He tried to push me out of a canoe!

Glenn: Fathers, right?

I remember my father had the same issues with me.

Dean: Really?

Glenn: I wanted to travel to a distant galaxy

with him to slit the throats

of all these different alien beings,

and my father said, "No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm going with my friends."

[ Scoffs ] How do you think I felt, you know?

Can you believe that?

Dean: I can believe that, Predator.

Glenn: Anyway, then I killed my father

and became the head of the family.

Dean: Lucky. Glenn: And everything was fine.

Let's resolve this, okay?

Instead of preying on humans,

how about I prey on your compassion?

I trust you.

See?

Good.

Everything will be okay.

Dean: Thank you, Predator.

Glenn: You defeated me.

Dean: I did, didn't I? Glenn: Yes, you did.

Dean: [ Chuckling ] You are one ugly motherfucker.

Glenn: Sounds weird to say because you killed me,

but...I love you.

Dean: I love you, too, Predator.

Glenn: Well, with that being said,

the Predator is going to return

to...the state of Glenn.

Dean: Aha, Glenn.

Thank you, Glenn. Glenn: Of course.

It was very hot in there.

Dean: Thank you.

Glenn: It's time for some delicious cake.

Dean: Glenn, get that fucking cake out of my office!

Glenn: Sorry. I'm so sorry.

Dean: How many times must I say it?!

Glenn: Every day. I'm a slow learner, sir.

Dean: Cake is for those in hospice care!

Glenn: Okay, I'll just get out of here.

Dean: Cake.

[ Chuckles ]

Yes.

You're dead! [ Laughs ]

??

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