Original subtitles

[ Gong sounds ]

Amir: Ah. Dean, Dean, Dean.

Check and mate.

Dean: You know we weren't actually playing

a game of chess?

You can't just walk onto a football field,

throw a football down in front of the goalpost

and say "Touchdown." -Amir: I know.

Dean: You don't just say a catchphrase

and then you've won a game.

Amir: I get it, I get that.

-Dean: Do you get it? -Amir: Yes.

Check and mate, figuratively check and mate.

Dean: What are you talking about, Amir?

You need me to move this back? -Amir: Yeah.

Dean: You want some leaning room?

Amir: Please.

I know a little something...

that might get in the way of you winning your TODD.

TODD stands for Tony, Oscar, Diamond Dealmaker.

If Dean wins the double-D, he completes his TODD.

I have a piece of information...

that can take you down.

Dean: Amir, what is this information

that you think you have

that's going to cripple me in some way?

Amir: Not only is this gonna cripple you in some way,

it is gonna make you quadriplegic.

Figuratively. Again, I'm not threatening to...

Dean: That's good to know.

It's good to know you weren't threatening

to make me a physical quadriplegic.

Amir: That is not what I'm doing.

Dean: Because that's an actionable offense.

And I would call the police. -Amir: I'm not doing that.

What I am threatening

is to make you into a metaphoric quadriplegic.

Dean: Amir, spit it out!

Amir: I know...

that Glenn is your son.

??

Dean: I want you to think about something.

Is this really what you want to do?

Do you want to open the door to extortion?

Because that is a door that is very difficult to shut.

Amir: I can shut whatever I want.

Dean: Don't do my -- Don't do my voice.

Amir: Well, then consider the door open...

for now.

I won't let Dean intimidate me.

I'm in total control here.

Make me partner.

Dean: Now we come to it.

These are your terms?

I make you a partner or else you tell everyone

that Glenn is my son.

Amir: Exactly.

I will tweet it, I will Instagram it,

I will tattoo it on my forehead.

Yeah. Dean, I will.

Dean as deadbeat dad

with bastard son of cleaning lady?!

Realtor Magazine is going to shit itself,

and Dean will never win that award.

Dean: Let me tell you something, Amir,

you may think you have the upper hand here...

but there's something you should know about me.

I am more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

Amir: Well, regardless of what's going on with me and you,

it looks great.

Dean: Thank you very much. I appreciate that.

Amir: You have until 5:00 p.m. tomorrow.

Dean: You have until 4:00 p.m.

Amir: Then let's split the difference -- 4:30.

Dean: 3:00 p.m.

Amir: Checkmate.

Dean: Nope, it's not checkmate.

Amir: The door is open to checkmate.

Dean: I'll grant you that, the door is open to checkmate.

Amir: Oh, damn it.

Actually, I have a conference call at 3:00.

Just 3:30, please. -Dean: 2:55.

Amir: Gah!

Dean: I kept making the time sooner.

Chelsea: Carla. Hi.

This house has a raccoon problem,

which is not good for my business,

so I called in an exterminator to get rid of them.

Carla: It's not a little raccoon problem, you should know.

You're dealing with an extremely intelligent animal.

They're brains work together. It's sort of exponential.

Chelsea: Oh. Carla: It's like a raccoon

times a raccoon doesn't just make four raccoons.

-Chelsea: No, it makes two. -Carla: No.

It makes a lot more raccoons. Does that make sense?

Chelsea: Because they breed quickly or something?

Carla: No. I'm making a metaphor.

Chelsea: Oh, I'm sorry.

How long do you think it will take?

Carla: I won't know until I get inside,

and once I'm in, I can't communicate with you, so.

Chelsea: Why can't you communicate with me?

Carla: Because then they'll know that I'm not a raccoon.

Chelsea: As long as she gets rid of these raccoons quickly,

I don't care how she does it.

So, you're gonna set a bunch of traps and kill --

Carla: No traps, no. Nobody's getting killed, okay?

These are, like, almost human-level animals.

-Chelsea: Are they? -Carla: Yeah, absolutely.

Have you ever communicated with one?

-Chelsea: How? -Carla: Made eye contact?

You could go to Starbucks and have a better conversation

with a raccoon than you could with any of your friends.

Chelsea: Why are there raccoons in that Starbucks?

Carla: What are you talking about?

Chelsea: Why would there be a raccoon in a Starbucks?

Carla: I'm just saying a raccoon.

Okay, I -- metaphorics are not your thing?

Chelsea: No, I'm just trying to follow.

Carla: Okay, what I'm saying to you is raccoons communicate

even though they're not saying words.

Chelsea: Okay.

Carla: You know when you go on a good date with somebody

and there's lots of pauses and you're like,

"God, this is a real connection,"

but you're not really saying that much?

Chelsea: Right. Carla: And then you go home

and fuck like wild rabbits. -Chelsea: Sure.

Carla: That's the same kind of thing with these raccoons.

-Chelsea: They're like rabbits? -Carla: They communicate --

Oh, Jesus Christ. -Chelsea: I just --

You add a lot of animals in, and I'm not sure --

Carla: I've only added one animal and Starbucks,

and they both threw you.

Chelsea: She thinks I'm weird

because I don't understand her metaphors.

Oh. That is like the pot jumping into the frying-pan fire.

So, how do you, uh, get them to leave?

Carla: I gotta infiltrate.

I gotta find out is it a couple brothers running the joint.

I gotta get into raccoon mode, get them to trust me.

It won't take me long to get into raccoon mode

'cause I did a lot of character clown workshops in college.

-Chelsea: Oh. -Carla: Great.

Chelsea: Great. Okay, so do you need anything from me?

[ Raccoon chatters ] Carla: Oh, shit!

-Chelsea: What, what?! -Carla: Okay.

-Chelsea: Don't do that. -Carla: I just heard one, okay,

and they started talking. -Chelsea: What?

Carla: And I can't be seen with you.

-Chelsea: What? -Carla: Okay, I'll be back.

[ Raccoon chatters ] Chelsea: Uh...Carla?

Carla: Shut up.

Chelsea: That...

??

Victoria: You know, Mr. Friendly,

I think you're really going to enjoy this house.

Tug: Oh, miss, please -- Mr. Friendly.

Mr. Friendly is my father's name.

Tug: My father died in a horrible industrial accident.

Decapitated. -Victoria: Oh, God.

Tug: Head came clean off.

I still see it rolling around on the floor in my dreams.

Call me Tug. My name is Tug.

Victoria: Great, Tug.

Let's see the rest of the house over this way.

Coming through here, as you can see,

a great entertaining space.

If you're having a special someone over,

I think this is quite a romantic area.

If I do -- if I do say so myself.

If it was me invited, I --

Tug: Hold on, hold on.

Victoria: Oh.

Tug: That would work.

Yeah, okay. Okay, I see that.

Victoria: Okay, great. Okay, wonderful.

-Tug: Yeah. Yeah. -Victoria: Looks like fun.

Okay, so you like the furniture.

-Tug: Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Victoria: Okay.

Being a broker is like being a fisherman.

You never know what you're gonna pull from the net.

Tug: Are dogs allowed in here? 'Cause I left my dog outside.

Victoria: Oh, oh, please. I have two dogs myself.

-Tug: Are you sure? -Victoria: Yes, grab your dog.

Tug: I'll be right back.

Victoria: Ooh, I love dogs.

Tug: Come here, Mopsy. Here we go. Come on, boy!

Here you go. We're gonna meet Victoria.

Victoria, this is Mopsy.

Oh, he likes you.

-Victoria: Does he? -Tug: Yeah.

I hope the neighbors are okay with this.

I don't want to be one of those neighbors

with a loud, barking dog, you know.

I hate these people. -Victoria: Oh, hey, I'm --

I think it will be okay.

Tug: Mopsy, calm down! You know what?

I think Mopsy would feel a little bit more comfortable

if maybe he could smell you.

Is that all right? -Victoria: Uh-huh.

Tug: 'Cause, you know, Mopsy is very nervous.

Victoria: Oh, okay.

Tug: [ Sniffing ]

Victoria: Okay. Well...

I hate it when a guy rubs a dead dog on me.

Do you smell it?

-Tug: Yeah. -Victoria: Did you get it?

Tug: You have a dog at your place?

Victoria: I have two -- two very lively dogs.

Tug: Probably smells the dog on you.

Victoria: Okay. Tug: Oh, you know what?

It's time for Mopsy's medicine. Sorry, hold on a second.

-Victoria: Uh-huh. -Tug: Just take a second.

-Victoria: Sure. -Tug: Here we go.

It's okay, Mopsy. -Victoria: Hang in there, Mopsy.

Tug: Uh, okay. Okay, ready?

Okay. Mmm. Okay. Good -- good boy.

You'll be better in a second. Ah.

Victoria: Exactly what medicine is that for?

Tug: Antipsychotics.

-Victoria: Oh. -Tug: Mmm.

Victoria: Well, that makes sense.

Tug: What? Mop-- no! No, Mopsy, no!

Yeah! You know what it is?

Mopsy just has to know who the alpha is around here!

Mopsy! Victoria: Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Tug: You have to listen!

I'm the alpha dog!

You don't tell me what to do!

I tell you what to do!

You have to listen!

Very willful creature.

Baxter: Kara, Kara.

You know my buddy, Andrew?

Andrew: We are the masters of getting each other laid at work.

Baxter: Yes. We shit where we eat.

I don't want to be too forward, but I heard...

that he likes your butt.

But doesn't love your front.

Andrew: Baxter? Baxter: Hmm?

He has a -- He has a nail issue.

Kara: Hmm.

Baxter: He doesn't know I'm over here right now.

Andrew: I totally knew! What an idiot she is.

Baxter: She's so dumb. She likes you, bro.

Andrew: She could be the one.

Listen, do you -- Are you, uh...

You're not gay, right?

But I think deep down inside, we're all like,

"Hey, I don't play baseball the full year round,

but I'll swing the bat in the spring --

or at least watch a game until completion."

So why don't...you take a gander

over my shoulder at that guy.

That's my buddy, Baxter.

He plays baseball full year,

and...he wanted me to come to you

and say are you interested

in spending some time in the dugout.

Baxter: Did you say "dugout"?

Andrew: Yeah. He didn't get it.

Uh, he wants you to know these things about him.

He's clean.

So if you're interested, all you have to do

is say this to me. "Um, yes."

Baxter: Did you tell him I'm clean?

Andrew: Yeah. He didn't get it.

Uh...

And if you like dirty,

he can dirty himself up pretty good,

pretty hard, pretty fast.

Don't give me an answer now.

Baxter: Did you tell him I can be dirty?

Andrew: Yeah. He didn't get it.

Do you like to do drugs?

Amir: I told Dean that if he doesn't make me partner,

I'm gonna tell everyone that Glenn is his son.

I hope my gamble pays off.

-Victoria: Hey. -Amir: Hey.

Victoria: Where were you just now? Were you with Dean?

I know this walking cologne sample's up to something.

Amir: Yeah, I was with Dean.

Victoria: What did you guys talk about?

Amir: He entrusted me with a secret.

-Victoria: You have a secret? -Amir: Yeah.

Victoria: You have a secret? Well, guess what.

I have a secret.

Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.

-Amir: Oh, really? -Victoria: Yeah.

I got a good one.

My secret is so crazy...

that, honestly, you might die just hearing it.

Amir: I don't think I want to know that secret.

Victoria: Well, like -- I mean, that's...

It's an exaggeration. -Amir: Keep that to yourself.

Victoria: You're not gonna die,

but I'm just saying that's how big it is.

Amir: If Victoria knows about Glenn,

it could get in the way of me blackmailing Dean.

I gotta find out what her secret is.

So on the count of 3,

tell me what your secret is. 1, 2, 3.

Victoria: We're gonna tell each other?

Well, we didn't plan. That was too fast.

Amir: You tell me on the count of 3 -- 1, 2, 3.

Victoria: No, we tell each other on the count of 3.

And don't count so fast.

There's supposed to be spaces in between.

Real seconds don't go 1, 2, 3. -Amir: Okay, fine.

Victoria: All right. I'll do the counting.

Amir: Okay. Victoria: 1...

2...3. It's a secret.

Why didn't you say anything?

Amir: I was about to start talking,

but you just said, "1, 2, 3. It's a secret."

You could have told me that before the countdown.

I know it's a secret! I have a secret, too!

What the hell is your fucking secret?

Victoria: I'm not gonna tell you my secret

unless you tell me your secret. Hey, buddy. [ Chuckles ]

Tell me what you know.

Amir: What I know...

is that if you knew what I know,

you wouldn't even be asking me what this secret was.

Victoria: Well, you don't know that.

Amir: Why would you ask me if you already know what the secret is?

Victoria: Because I might want to know if your --

I want to know if you know the same thing that I know,

because if you don't know the same thing I know,

I can't tell you.

But if you do know the same thing that I know,

we have to know together! -Amir: It's a different secret.

-Victoria: No? -Amir: Yeah, no.

Definitely not the same secret. -Victoria: Are you su--

-Amir: No. -Victoria: I feel like...

Both: "He/She" obviously has no idea

that Glenn is Dean's son.

Chelsea: Carla?

I'm back at the raccoon house,

and I'm really hoping Carla has some good news for me.

Hi, Carla.

Carla: What's the passcode?

Chelsea: Uh...raccoon.

Carla: All right.

Okay. It's going really well.

They did not see me come.

I said I was just gonna go, you know, let off some steam.

Chelsea: You told them.

Carla: It's the raccoon lingo for pee.

Chelsea: Great.

Carla: I got in really good with Gumbo.

He's Whitey's consigliere.

Chelsea: I'm sorry, are you sleeping in the house?

Carla: Not here. I'm staying in the --

in the burrow with Marty. Chelsea: Who's Marty?

Carla: Marty, he's my raccoon partner.

-Chelsea: You... -Carla: We're not married yet.

Chelsea: What?

Carla: You have to consummate it.

Tonight is the night. We've made promises to each other.

And once I'm in, or he's in... -Chelsea: Unh-unh.

-Carla: ...I'm in. Chelsea: Why?

Carla: 'Cause then I'll get him to trust me and then we'll...

be able to convince Whitey we need to get out of here.

-Chelsea: No, no, no. -Carla: Yeah, we need to move.

Chelsea: You don't have to fuck a raccoon.

Carla: How else am I gonna get them

to trust that I'm not a human?

'Cause only raccoons fuck raccoons.

Does that make sense? -Chelsea: I don't want it to.

Carla: Okay. Can I have something shiny to take back?

Chelsea: Something shiny?

Carla: Do you have something on you I can take back

so that they know that I bring treasures?

Chelsea: You can have my belt. It's got a buckle.

Carla: Ooh, shiny.

Chelsea: It's a little bit of shiny.

Carla: Shiny, shiny, yes.

Chelsea: Hey, how do I reach you?

Carla: Hmm? Chelsea: How do I reach you?

Carla: You don't. [ Chatters ]

Amir: I couldn't sleep last night.

Okay, I'm having second thoughts.

What the hell am I doing, threatening Dean?

Baxter: You heard about his gardener?

Andrew: Yes.

Baxter: Yeah, crazy. Andrew: It's crazy.

But that's what you get. You don't mess with Rosedragon.

Baxter: No, no. Andrew: Dean's crazy.

Baxter: Just because he messed up his shrubbery.

Andrew: Yeah. And Dean didn't fire him,

didn't do anything -- just stared at him.

Heart attack. Baxter: And he --

he had a clean bill of health, right?

Andrew: Clean bill.

Amir: What are you guys talking about?

Andrew: What are you talking about? Why don't you mind --

Baxter: Talking about Dean. How crazy he is.

Amir: He stared at someone, and he died?

Baxter: He stared at him, and he died.

Amir: Ideally, I would have had this information

before I threatened him, right?!

Baxter: You heard what he did to his karate instructor, right?

Andrew: Oh, my God. That's crazy.

But, I mean, again, you mess with --

Amir: What did he do to his karate instructor?

Andrew: He goes in. Sensei calls him out,

and says, "Your belt isn't tied right."

Not a huge deal, right? Amir: No.

Andrew: To anybody but Dean Rosedragon.

Baxter: He took him outside, stared at him until he died.

Amir: This was a long time ago, right?

-Andrew: This was this morning. -Amir: This was this morning.

Dean killed someone this morning.

Oh, my God! Amir, you idiot!

He's gonna kill you!

Chelsea: Thank you so much for coming.

Kevin, is it?

-Kebbin: Kebbin. -Chelsea: Kebbin.

-Kebbin: Two B's. Chelsea: Got it.

Carla's plan of embedding herself with the raccoons

is not working, and I need to sell this house now.

So I had to call in Animal Control.

We've had a pretty bad infestation,

and I just really need them gone.

Kebbin: All right, no worries.

We get these calls all the time. -Chelsea: There.

Uh, be cautious, she's very wily.

Kebbin: All right. Let's do this.

Carla: [ Hisses ]

Kebbin: Okay. Hi.

[ Whistles quietly ]

-Chelsea: No, no. Carla, no! -Kebbin: Okay!

Chelsea: No, Carla! Carla, no! Okay.

Kebbin: It's okay, this is normal.

-Chelsea: Okay. -Kebbin: All right.

Oh. Oh, it's okay, she...

Carla: [ Chattering ]

Kebbin: [ Chattering ]

Carla: [ Chattering ]

Kebbin: [ Chattering ]

Carla: [ Chattering ]

-Kebbin: [ Chattering ] -Chelsea: What is? What is that?

Carla: [ Chattering ]

Chelsea: What's happening? Kebbin?

Carla: [ Chattering ]

Chelsea: You gotta be fucking kidding me!

Dean: Well...Amir.

Amir: Honestly, I'm freaked the fuck out,

but I'm achieving that I'm not terrified.

It isn't working!

How's it going, Boss?

Dean: Let's cut the chitchat, Amir.

Amir: Okay, whatever. Yeah, sure. So, uh...

just curious if you've --

if you've made any type of decision yet.

Dean: Yes. I think I have.

Amir: Okay.

Uh...

So am I -- So I'm partner?

Dean: Amir, I am no stranger to blackmail.

Many people have tried it.

And there are many ways it can be thwarted.

For instance, I could turn your bones to powder.

I could yell into your ear canal...

until your brain suffocates.

I could make you eat glass...

but that wouldn't be fun.

Let's have some fun, Amir.

Here's what I'm going to do.

Amir: He's doing it! He's doing it!

He's staring me dead!

Holy crap, he's gonna suck the life essence right out of me!

-Dean: Glenn? -Glenn: Yes, Dean.

-Dean: Have a seat, Glenn. -Glenn: Of course.

Scusi, as the Italians say.

Dean: Glenn, as you know, I am an eccentric millionaire.

Glenn: Yes.

Dean: And it is my whim to pay you...

a little bit extra every week for an additional job.

Glenn: Oh.

Dean: I would like you to pretend to be my son.

Tell everyone that I'm your father.

If anyone asks, you say,

"Yes, Dean is my dad, and I am his son."

Glenn: Wow, wow!

This is a dream come true. -Amir: No, no.

Dean: Does that sound like a fun job?

Glenn: Yes, that sounds like a fun job.

Amir: It is not a dream come true, it's the truth,

that Dean is your father. -Glenn: Yes, he is.

He is my father. -Amir: No, no.

Dean, he's, like, really your father.

Glenn: This is a good test right off the bat.

Amir: No, this isn't a test.

Dean: You're doing smashing, Glenn. Very good.

Amir: He was your dad before the game!

Glenn: Because the game retroactively

always makes me Dean's son. -Dean: That's correct.

Glenn: I like logic puzzles like this.

-Dean: Fun game, eh? -Glenn: Yeah.

Keep testing me, Amir.

Amir: In real life, he is your dad.

Glenn: I know. Look at him.

Look at the resemblance. Don't you see it?

Amir: No, actually I don't, but he's still your dad.

He was at your birth.

Glenn: Yeah, he was at my birth.

And now I know why. Because he's my father.

Dean: Why else would I be there?

Glenn: I don't know. Amir: Listen to me, Glenn.

You're not an idiot, you're a smart guy.

Glenn: Of course. Amir: You speak French.

Both: [ Conversing in French ]

Glenn: Amir... [ Speaking French ]

-Dean: [ Speaking French ] -Amir: He speaks French also!

Why do you think?! -Glenn: He speaks French?

Because it's the language of refined, civilized people.

[ Speaking French ]

Dean: [ Speaking French ]

Amir: [ Speaking French ]

At least I have my soul. Well, most of it.

Dean: Thanks for dropping by, Amir.

Amir: Fuck!

-Dean: Get out of my office. -Glenn: Good father-son time.

I love you, Daddy.

Dean: Just go.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0