Original subtitles

-Glenn: Chelsea, a word. -Chelsea: Yo.

Glenn: Chelsea and I are co-listing a property together,

so I figured it's time to clear the air,

because it's thick with sex tension.

As you know, I, uh, I'm partner now.

I'm Dean's right-hand man.

I have assumed new responsibilities,

and with that come burdens that I wish upon no one else.

Can I sit?

Chelsea: Yeah, now you're scaring me.

Glenn: Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

[ Clears throat ]

Whatever this is, is done.

We can't have it.

That fantasy, that daydream that we indulge in...

Chelsea: What?

Glenn: ...day after day, every hour on the hour,

sometimes every 15 minutes just to keep the day fresh,

it's done.

Chelsea: Just to be clear, what did you --

what did you think was happening between us?

Glenn: Heat. Electricity.

-Chelsea: Okay. -Glenn: Okay.

There's an elephant in the room --

a sexy elephant. -Chelsea: Mmm.

So to be perfectly clear,

I did not have a crush on you, it was all one-sided.

Glenn: Okay, look, the point is,

we can't do this, all right?

It will never happen.

This is partner Glenn,

and partner Glenn is different.

We will never, ever be together.

Understood?

Chelsea: I've never seen you get mad like that before.

Glenn: I'm a docile person,

but that doesn't mean I'm not filled with beasts.

Chelsea: So you're saying we can't be together.

Glenn: Never.

Chelsea: This is a whole new side of Glenn.

It's actually kind of hot.

You can't tell me who to be with,

even if it's you.

Glenn: What? No, no, no, no, no.

Don't put me in this position.

Chelsea: Glenn, nobody cares.

-Glenn: No, but I'm saying -- -Chelsea: Forget your rules.

-Glenn: A man needs his rules. -Chelsea: Are you sure?

I think you're wavering. -Glenn: No.

-Chelsea: You just wavered. -Glenn: No.

Chelsea: I want to sign that waiver.

Glenn: Okay, I should probably get going.

-Chelsea: You okay? -Glenn: Yeah.

Chelsea: You look a little -- like your color is a little...

No?

Oh, no.

Uh...

Okay.

Will you put it back?

Thank you.

Oh, God!

I think I like Glenn.

Dean: Well...

look at you all.

Andrew: Everyone at Platinum

has been down in the dumps lately.

Victoria: I have my biannual lunch meeting

with my father this afternoon.

I'm not looking forward to telling him

I didn't make partner.

Dean: Another story for another time.

Amir: The whole Glenn getting the partnership debacle

has me really questioning my place

in the old Platinum totem pole.

Dean: I'm going to talk about something else right now.

Chelsea: I can't stop thinking about Glenn.

Dean: Final records.

Baxter: I haven't had sex in two days,

and it's making me crazy.

Dean: Well?!

Andrew: So Dean called us all together

to get us back on track.

Dean: The awards are fast approaching,

and with them comes my TODD.

Glenn: Platinum is nominated for best brokerage

at the upcoming Diamond Dealmakers,

A.K.A. the Oscars for real estate.

Dean: Now, in order for you to help me achieve

this singular honor,

I need you to get right from the inside out.

You are all in varying stages of hideous moral decay.

Victoria: [ Laughs ]

Dean: So we're going to combat that

so we'll be in ship shape for that awards ceremony

so there will be no doubt Platinum is number one.

To that end, I have brought on some special guests.

These gentlemen are going to get you spiritually sound.

I met these gentlemen

at Elon Musk's white elephant party...

which I may tell you in exchange for a cursed urn,

I walked away with a full DVD set

of the NBC series "Smash."

Glenn, hit the music.

??

-Pyotr: This is happening! -Grimsley: Welcome!

Pyotr: Open it, open it! Receive it!

Yes!

Amir: Come on.

These jokers are gonna help me figure out my shit?

Pyotr: We're gonna do a little clearing first.

-Grimsley: Sure. -Pyotr: I hope no one's allergic

to cedar or sage or coyote urine.

Victoria: Coyote urine?

Pyotr: My name is Pyotr Meredith Van Drixpy-Vogelstein Salamander

Musk Blossom Avalanche A-flat Asterisk Crisis.

Grimsley: And I'm Grimsley.

I don't reveal my last name,

but I will tell all of you that I am a Hemingway.

Pyotr: But, see, you do, you reveal it right away

when you say that, so...

Grimsley: We used to be a couple.

We're no longer a couple. -Pyotr: But we have a lot

to teach everyone, to give everyone.

Grimsley: Yeah, our spirits are commingled,

so it's our blessing and our curse and yours as well.

Pyotr: Our essence spews out on you,

our wisdom just seminates all over you.

Glenn: I hope I'm not on spiritual birth control.

Chelsea: I have a few questions about how this can fit

into my already existing holistic health

practitioner wellness program.

I currently practice Reiki, vedic meditation.

I also do Soka Gakki chanting,

and I do earthing and crystal grounding work.

So I'm just wondering if it's more of a hypno-therapy

or is this going to be more of an alkaline body treatment?

-Pyotr: Wow. -Grimsley: Okay,

I'm gonna stop you right there.

You're throwing a lot at us.

I stopped listening. -Andrew: I'm sorry,

would you be able to help me with addiction?

Pyotr: Yeah, we've been addicted to everything.

Grimsley: I've been addicted to, like, Glade Plug-Ins.

Pyotr: I was addicted to black tar heroin, Spray 'N Wash.

Grimsley: I was addicted to roach-flavored Raid.

Pyotr: Or are you a porn boy?

Andrew: No, this is more butters, creams, milks.

-Grimsley: Oh. -Andrew: It gets late at night,

and I go to the fridge, and anything that's white.

Victoria: Come on, is this seriously an addiction?

Andrew: One of my worst bouts of dairy madness,

gotta be the night I woke up 69'ing a cow

with her exhausted teat in my mouth.

Grimsley: Everyone, I want you to unlock your throat.

Okay, unlock your throat, let your jaw drop down,

let it hang down -- like shaking beef.

Pyotr: Good mouth work.

Grimsley: Now bring your eyes down towards your gullet.

Good, good.

Pyotr: Let your tongue loll out.

Grimsley: Let your noise happen.

-Victoria: [ Screams ] -Grimsley: Get it out.

-Pyotr: [ Screams ] -Grimsley: Good work. Good work.

Pyotr: See how wonderful that was? It helped me.

Do it. Andrew: [ Yells ]

Pyotr: That's great.

Dean: You have everything well in hand here,

so I'll just go somewhere else.

-Pyotr: Screech it out. -Grimsley: Really great.

Pyotr: Screech it out. Screech it out.

Screech it out. Let it go.

[ All yelling ]

Grimsley: Yes!

Victoria: Fuck you, Glenn!

Pyotr: I don't get it.

Andrew: I am cured!

Oh, God. I feel better.

Ahh! Oh, shit, no.

Victoria: I'm having lunch with Daddy -- Xavier King.

He's a real-estate tycoon and TV's "The King Maker."

The show is a lot like "The Apprentice,"

except instead of people getting fired...

they get sired.

Announcer: "The King Maker."

Xavier: Now... I must choose one to crown.

Victoria: Not only does Daddy hire the winners,

but he also adopts them.

Xavier: The choice was too hard to make,

so for the first time ever,

you are both sired.

Welcome to my family.

This is probably the proudest moment of my life.

Victoria: There have been 10 seasons.

You probably notice I'm not eating my rice.

Xavier: I did notice that.

Yeah, what's the matter, sweetheart?

Victoria: Fit into a size 24 jeans, so...

-Xavier: Really? -Victoria: Mm-hmm.

Xavier: Were you bigger than that?

-Victoria: I was a 25. -Xavier: Oh.

Oh, I didn't know. I didn't know.

Victoria: Last time I saw Daddy,

I told him the partnership was in the bag.

I don't know how I'm gonna tell him

I didn't get it.

Xavier: Anything else happening with you?

Anything at work you want to tell me about?

Victoria: No, it's fine, you know.

Just, we have... -Xavier: Mm-hmm.

Don't you have a little surprise for me, some news?

Did you...

Did you get the partnership?

Victoria: No, I didn't get the partnership.

-Xavier: Wait, what? -Victoria: No, I didn't get it.

It's not my fault. He gave it to his son.

I mean, how am I supposed to compete with that?

Xavier: Yeah, 'cause in the history of mankind,

there's never been a father turned against his son.

Throughout the entire long history of humanity.

Victoria: It's not some movie plot.

Xavier: From Mesopotamia all the way

through to modern space man,

no one has ever been able to encourage a father

to split from his son.

Victoria: Well, maybe he's just a father

that really loves his child.

Xavier: Look, don't be absurd.

Rezecca: Top you guys off with water?

-Xavier: Oh, yes, please. -Rezecca: There you go.

I'm gonna just...

-Victoria: Thank you. -Xavier: I love those earrings.

Rezecca: Oh, thank you. They're actually my mother's.

-Xavier: Really? -Rezecca: Yeah.

Xavier: Vicky never knew her mother.

-Rezecca: Oh, I'm sorry. -Victoria: No, it's fine.

Xavier: No, Vicky killed her mother in childbirth.

It's okay. It was a long time ago.

Rezecca: It's not your fault.

Victoria: I know it's not my fault.

She's saying it's my fault. -Xavier: Oh, oh, oh.

Hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold on.

A little something for you.

Rezecca: Oh, my gosh!

Victoria: Why would you make her a card?

Xavier: Because it's her birthday.

Victoria: But you hate writing cards.

You don't write me birthday cards.

Xavier: Well, honey, you know I have mixed feelings

about celebrating the day that you killed your mother.

Now, I hope you had a wonderful day.

Rezecca: Yeah, I did.

Victoria: There is only room for one woman in Daddy's life!

I want a new waitress. -Xavier: Oh, sweetheart.

-Victoria: I hate her! -Xavier: How can you possibly --

Victoria: I want a new waitress now!

Xavier: You know what?

You are behaving like a petulant child...

who isn't even a partner.

Victoria: I should have just lied about the partnership

like he lied about coming to my fencing recitals!

Xavier: Seems like there's a little bit

of emotional transference going on here.

You say you're mad at me,

you say you're mad at Rezecca.

You know who I think you're really mad at?

A little lady named Victoria...

who doesn't apply herself 119%.

We always said that would be the minimum percentage

we would apply ourselves.

Didn't we? -Victoria: Mm-hmm.

-Xavier: Wasn't that our pact? -Victoria: Mm-hmm.

Xavier: Do whatever you want, I said,

as long as you apply yourself 100 and how many percent?

Victoria: 19.

Grimsley: How many popsicles did you buy?

Pyotr: It was not popsicles.

Grimsley: Okay, what was it?

Pyotr: Eskimo pies, Eskimo pies.

Grimsley: That's a popsicle without a stick.

Pyotr: No, it's not! A popsicle is an icy, fruity treat.

An Eskimo pie is a -- -Grimsley: Okay, great.

Oh, uh, Badgley! B-Bantana!

I'm sorry, what was your name?

Pyotr: Boston! Boston Market!

-Grimsley: Bam-boy. -Pyotr: Bitch Box.

-Baxter: Baxter. -Pyotr: Get over here.

Grimsley: Get in betwixt. Get in betwixt.

Baxter: Pyotr and Grimsley

are taking some of the brokers aside for one-on-one sessions,

and I guess it's my turn.

Pyotr: We teach a workshop where we take you back

to our yurt and we strip you nude,

and then I show you on your body

where I think your new tattoo should be.

Baxter: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Grimsley: It's about an eight-hour class.

Pyotr: So many fun-gasms, we call them.

They're more fun than orgasms.

Grimsley: You also will have fear-gasms,

you'll have shame-gasms.

-Pyotr: Stress-gasms. -Grimsley: Hate-gasms.

Do you like gasms? -Baxter: I think I like --

I don't know if I want to have a shame-gasm or a hate-gasm.

Pyotr: What Grimsley says is about his butt is it's,

"Once you see my chasm, I think you're gonna gasm."

Baxter: Chasm-gasms?!

Okay, I've never tried therapy before,

but that is right up my alley.

Or up my butt!

Grimsley: We will have sex with you right now.

Baxter: But as you've noticed, there are women here.

Grimsley: What are they doing here?

Baxter: Well, they work here and --

Yeah, I know. -Pyotr: You know what you do?

You put a big old chocolate cake in a back room,

and it lures them in.

And they're all like, "Oh,

this will help me get over Edward."

Baxter: Yeah, "I don't like sours,

but I love sweets."

Pyotr: Yeah, and you lock 'em in and you fuck each other.

Baxter: A workplace orgy is exactly

what I need right now.

Dean is a genius for bringing these guys in.

-Pyotr: Oh, now... -Grimsley: Can I --

can I give you a blow job while he cries?

Chelsea: Miss Kates, we were so excited

that we we able to book you.

I cannot wait to see what you do with this fabulous property.

Glenn: Chelsea and I had our special moment this morning,

and, yes, sparks flew.

But we have to put that aside because of our big meeting

with famous home-stager Cate Kates.

Chelsea: I've gone from liking Glenn to like liking him.

So what are you thinking?

Cate: I mean, I think textures, materials...

Even like a mixture of materials.

Like...wood and then, also, not wood.

Glenn: Well, that was helpful and also not helpful.

Chelsea: Yeah, you mention textures.

I think that personally, texture --

Cate: I'm gonna need a little bit of room

so that I can really absorb the materials

and the fabrics and the colors

because there's greens and blues and yellows and purples...

Chelsea: She 100% just listed the colors of her dress.

Cate: And we're gonna lose all of this furniture, right?

Chelsea: That's a question for you.

Cate: Yeah, we could lose it, and then we could also keep it.

I mean, there's a version where we keep it,

but then also we could also lose it.

I'm gonna check it out over here.

Glenn: Okay.

Cate: Can I just ask one more question?

If you're on a speed boat... what kind of boat is it?

Glenn: A speed boat.

If we're on a speed boat, then it's a speed boat.

I don't think that was a riddle, that was just a bad question.

Chelsea: I gotta say,

decisive Glenn is doing it for me.

Cate: Have you been to Palm Springs?

Because I'm thinking Palm Springs

by way of Big Sur.

I'm also thinking Ohai, Aspen, Chicago, Omaha --

because I think there's a lot of Omaha.

Glenn: Um, for someone -- a novice who might think

that all of those things are "incongrew-ous"...

-Cate: Incongruous. -Glenn: Hmm. No, I think --

Chelsea: I think she's right, actually.

Incongruous. -Cate: Incongruous.

-Chelsea: There is no congruity. -Cate: It's incongruous.

-Chelsea: Congruous. -Glenn: "Incongrew-ous."

-Chelsea: Incongruous. -Cate: Mmm.

-Glenn: Okay. -Cate: Mm-hmm.

Chelsea: Sorry, Glenn, what were you gonna ask?

Glenn: I forgot.

Chelsea: You know what is incongruous?

Me liking Glenn.

But I'm gonna make it congruous.

Victoria: Let me just begin

by saying I'm here out of respect for Dean.

Lunch with Daddy was miserable.

And, oh, look, some more men

to tell me what I'm doing wrong with my life.

Pyotr: We've brought our sacred tools to you today.

-Victoria: Okay. -Grimsley: See this --

look at this. -Pyotr: See these tools?

These are the sacred tools. -Victoria: Wigs?

Grimsley: Absolutely not wigs!

-Pyotr: No, no! -Grimsley: Wigs are something

that secretaries wear at Halloween parties.

Pyotr: Exactly.

Victoria: Those are wigs.

-Grimsley: Pick a tool. -Victoria: Is there --

does this do something different than this does?

Grimsley: Absolutely. How about this?

"Cold Mountain's" Renee Zellweger

has had this on her head.

Pyotr: Peter Dinklage has had that on.

-Grimsley: All right, great. -Pyotr: Oh, wow.

It's like you're emerging from a pubis.

Grimsley: Mm-hmm.

Pyotr: Talk about your mother to me.

Victoria: She died during childbirth.

-Pyotr: Whose birth? -Victoria: Mine, obviously.

-Pyotr: Oh! -Grimsley: You murdered her.

Victoria: For the last time, it wasn't murder.

It was suicide by baby.

Pyotr: Let's get into some role play.

-Grimsley: Mama's home. -Pyotr: This is your mother.

-Grimsley: Hi, I'm your mother. -Pyotr: Do you hate your mother?

-Victoria: I hate her. -Pyotr: How do we --

how do we feel about daddy? -Victoria: I love Daddy.

Pyotr: Confront her and just let her have it.

Victoria: You have to open your eyes.

I feel like her eyes would be open.

Grimsley: Has somebody seen the milk?

Victoria: God! What was --

am I supposed to look at her and be like,

"I didn't know you 'cause you didn't stick around."

Pyotr: Yeah, yeah, keep going.

Victoria: You weren't here! And Daddy was here,

telling me that I wasn't good enough.

You want me to say that?

Pyotr: Keep spitting your heart out, go.

Victoria: You died. You died when I was born,

and now I just have to sit here with Dad,

who's never proud of me,

and you're not here to defend me at all.

And Daddy says that I can do better,

I can always do better,

but I can't do any better than I'm doing right now, Mommy!

Pyotr: Yes!

Victoria: I can't do any better than I'm doing right now!

-Pyotr: Yes! -Victoria: No, Mommy!

[ Yells ]

-Pyotr: Look at my mouth. -Victoria: [ Yells ]

I feel like I've been reborn...

into someone that Daddy can finally love.

Cate: Moreno glass, opaque but see-through.

And then also surfboard wax.

Chelsea: She talks into the phone,

but I don't know if she's actually doing something.

Glenn: One of the times, she said -- in French --

"biological research," and that was it.

It's been four hours

with Cate Kates yammering about nothing.

We still have no idea

what her plans for the space are.

Chelsea: The four hours with Glenn

have been really nice.

But I think he's right --

we need to keep our relationship professional.

Glenn: And I am getting incredibly crabby.

I'm getting so crabby I'm doing a Sudoku --

that's how crabby I am.

Chelsea: I know, and you're crushing it.

Look, she's the best.

Every house she designs gets published.

We need that. -Glenn: Is she the best?

'Cause I think she's terrible. All right?

Do we actually need her to sell this house?

Do we?

Chelsea: You're a genius.

-Glenn: Who are you calling? -Chelsea: Hi.

Is this Kate James?

Hey, yeah, it's Chelsea.

We've reviewed your proposal again

and we may be in need of your services.

Oh, you are available? How lucky for me.

We'll get in touch about the details.

Oh, I'm so glad. Thank you so much.

All right, bye-bye. -Glenn: Wow!

That is great news to hear about Kate James.

Cate: Oh, she's not in contention

for this project, is she?

Because I really don't think -- she's very heavy-handed.

Glenn: Right now, she's got a lot of heat on her,

so it might be worth exploring.

I don't know.

Cate: Kate James wouldn't even hold a candle

to my plans, so...

Chelsea: Just like, out of curiosity,

what are you thinking? -Cate: Well, I do think

that we just retain the Art Deco nature.

I mean, the house is what it is, right?

I mean, we're not gonna fight against it

because it's such a beautiful piece.

But I think it does need more color.

I would definitely go blues.

Olives aren't doing anything for anyone.

And then I think we need a pop of color.

Chelsea: A pop of what color, specifically?

-Cate: Hot pink. -Chelsea: Great.

Cate: I'll put together a proposal for you,

and I will e-mail you.

Chelsea: Yee!

-Glenn: That was smooth. -Chelsea: We're a good team.

Yeah, I'm not gonna be able to keep it professional.

Grimsley: Now, where are you going?

Amir: No, I'm done with this!

I'm done!

Sure, I've been depressed lately.

But these two idiots aren't gonna help me.

Pyotr: Come on, you're acting out.

Grimsley: Body and soul.

Pyotr: You're furious at mommy and daddy, and they love you.

Everyone come around. They know.

Grimsley: Amir's soul has no song.

So let's help him find a soul song.

Amir: My soul has no song, I'm sorry.

My soul doesn't need a song!

What does this have to do with real estate anyway?

All anybody needs to know is that I'm a closer.

Grimsley: I'm right here, I'm right here.

Who are you?

What do you want?

-Pyotr: Simply, who are you? -Grimsley: What is music to you?

Amir: I am a closer.

Grimsley: B-flat, say it in a B-flat.

Amir: What does -- I don't even know what --

-Pyotr: ? B-flat ? -Grimsley: ? B-flat ?

-Amir: I'm a closer. -Grimsley: ? I'm a closer ?

Okay, good, breathe, breathe.

-Pyotr: Use your diaphragm. -Grimsley: Open this channel.

All right, good. -Pyotr: Open your sit bones.

Grimsley: Let your tongue allow the process.

-Pyotr: I am a what? -Grimsley: Out, out and in,

and out and up.

-Pyotr: Breathe, noises, yes. -Grimsley: Up.

Pyotr: Make a noise.

Grimsley: This is how singers do it, okay?

Just like that. -Pyotr: What are you?

Grimsley: Let it out, Amir.

Amir: ? I'm a closer ?

? It's plain to see ?

? I am a closer ?

Pyotr: He's an angel.

Amir: ? Look at me ?

Grimsley: Good, yeah!

Pyotr: We are. Keep going, keep going.

Amir: ? I'm a closer ?

? Watch me go ?

? I am a closer ?

? It's all I know ?

All: ? I'm a closer ?

? It's plain to see ?

Pyotr: Support!

All: ? I'm a closer ?

? Look at me ?

Grimsley: You are!

All: ? I am a closer ?

? Watch me go ?

? I'm a closer ?

? It's all I know ?

Pyotr: 5, 6, 7, 8.

All: ? I'm a closer ?

? It's plain to see ?

? I'm a closer ?

? Look at me ?

? I'm a closer ?

? Watch me go ?

? I'm a closer ?

? It's all I know ?

Dean: ? I am a man ?

? Who has beheld wonders ?

? Yes, I'm truly blessed ?

? But to see you ?

? Rectify your blunders ?

? That makes this life truly the best ?

I thank you, gentlemen.

Thank you very much for everything you've done.

Wonderful work here today.

I appreciate it,

and I think we're well on our way

to winning that top prize at the awards show.

Pyotr: Yes, you are. Yes, thank you.

Amir: That was beautiful. I -- I feel beautiful.

Grimsley: Thank you so much.

Yeah, we need to get paid.

Dean: This way to the secret vault.

Grimsley: That's really great.

Amir: I mean, guys, I really couldn't have done that

if I didn't have your support.

Andrew: You looked very stupid doing it.

Glenn: That was... really dumb looking.

Victoria: Did you feel stupid doing it?

You must have felt stupid.

Baxter: Honestly... I sucked a dick 30 minutes ago,

and what you just did was gayer than that.

Victoria: Mmm.

Amir: Yeah, I know.

'Cause it was a joke.

It was a joke, guys!

I was just joking!

[ Laughs ] It was just so stupid.

? I am a closer ?

? It's all I know ?

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