Original subtitles

??

You probably recognize someone in the boardroom

that isn't one of you.

Dean wants Platinum Realty to be more like Google.

Actually, Dean just sent me an e-mail

that simply said "Google."

So today, we're going to be having free massages,

and I'm going to turn it over to Zach the masseuse.

Zach: Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello, hello. Happy to be here.

So, yes, I will be giving you all massages today.

I'm very highly trained.

I've practiced on newborns

in the maternity wing of Children's Hospital,

and I specialize in phantom limbs.

Victoria: This little albino creeps me out.

But if I can get a free rubdown from him, what do I care?

Zach: My number-one concern is your comfort.

So I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable

about anything I do

and nothing happens that makes you feel tense.

That's the opposite of what I want.

I want you to feel relaxed, okay?

So if you feel like I'm ever going into a no-no zone,

we can establish a safe word

and then another safe word for that safe word.

Amir: What if my safe word is "harder"?

Zach: I'll respect that.

I'm very sensitive to your sensitivity.

-Victoria: I have a question. -Zach: Mm-hmm.

Victoria: When you massage,

do you keep your eyes open or closed?

-Zach: I keep them open. -Victoria: Oh, okay.

Zach: I will say, every few seconds, I blink.

??

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Zach: Does anyone have any questions? Yeah?

Andrew: My, uh, older brother was a masseuse.

Baxter: Ah, yes.

Andrew's infamous older-brother story.

It is like a mystery wrapped in a riddle

We talking about his dead brother Mandell?

-Victoria: Yeah. -Andrew: He went on a retreat

to India, uh, three years ago.

He had some trouble there.

He was kidnapped...

and we assume died.

Zach: Why do you assume that?

Andrew: Where is he?

Where are you?!

Where are you?

Victoria: How do you know he was kidnapped?

Amir: What if he just decided to stay

and enjoyed it there better than --

Baxter: Has anyone written you a letter that said,

"I am enjoying it here in India. I'm gonna stay"?

Andrew: Yes, we did get that letter,

but we assumed that was from the kidnappers.

Amir: What?

I heard when Andrew was a kid,

his head got hit by a car.

Just the head.

Andrew: You start in the middle of the back?

Zach: Yeah, start in the middle of the back,

I just start with two fingers right here

and I go -- I lean in and I whisper, "Is that okay?"

Then if you go, "Mm-hmm," then I go, "What about that?"

Then I go out a little further.

"What about here?

Is this pleasure that you feel now

as I go around?

Are we feeling pleasure in these places?"

If you start to go, "No. No, I hate that,"

pfft -- goes back in.

Then I go, "That's the zone, there."

Then I massage it.

Amir: All right. I'm sold.

-Let's do this. -Andrew: I'm after him.

Victoria: Oh, it just happens right here.

Zach: You're keeping your shirt on?

-Amir: Yes, I am. -Zach: Okay.

If that's what makes you comfortable.

Does this give you pleasure?

??

Chelsea: I have a hot new listing in the 'Sades.

What? I don't have time to say "Pacific Palisades."

Today I'm showing this home

to mega-church televangelist Reverend Coyne.

He's the guy who's always crying on TV.

Coyne: Hallelujah, Chelsea. Hallelujah.

This is a beautiful home.

What is the asking price of this house?

Chelsea: Uh, it's $11 million.

Coyne: Oh, $11 million for this house.

It just seems like maybe the devil

-is possessing that number... -Chelsea: Oh!

Coyne: ...and pushing it up high.

But the Lord has asked us to see this house.

Chelsea: He has asked you? And he has asked you, Brother Gayle?

Gayle: He has asked all of us.

Well, mainly him, but we follow the words

through his voice of the Lord.

Chelsea: Was that a sentence?

Gayle: That was a sentence, Sister.

-I was speaking from the heart. -Chelsea: Okay.

It just sounded like words you just found.

Coyne: My congregation and I, we love this home,

but we aren't the buyers.

-The buyer is the Lord. -Chelsea: Oh.

Coyne: And we have to make sure

the Lord is impressed with this house.

Chelsea: Uh, I've seen his manger.

the Lord is gonna be impressed by this house.

Now, the property does have a three-car garage.

I hope that's suitable for you.

-Coyne: Three cars! -Gayle: Three cars!

Coyne: The Lord does not want to pay $11 million

-for a three-car garage. -Gayle: No, he does not.

-? Five cars ? -Coyne: Five cars.

I will not give the money my congregation has given to me,

especially when I can't even fit half of my cars

-in the garage. -Chelsea: Right. Okay.

Coyne: You know, the Lord can look on MLS

and see that there have been no offers.

And the last time this house was for sale was for 10.8,

which means the return on the investment is slight.

Chelsea: Ooh. I'm gonna need my prayers answered to make this sale.

??

Todd: Oh, sorry. I just got to --

-Baxter: Why don't we go this way? -Todd: Okay.

Baxter: Todd is the janitor at Platinum.

Is it stuck?

Todd: No, no. It's moving.

Baxter: He's been here forever.

Todd: We'll just do that.

-Baxter: You got to come this way. -Todd: Okay.

Baxter: And he is in the way all of the time.

Yeah, let's do it like we would on a highway.

-Todd: Okay. -Baxter: Cool.

-Okay, now you need to -- -Todd: I lived in Europe

-for a while, so I... -Baxter: Oh, okay.

-Yeah, American highway. -Todd: American highway?

-Baxter: Yeah, yeah. -Todd: Okay, great.

-I think that worked. -Baxter: I think that worked.

-Great. -Todd: All right.

Baxter: All right.

He is annoying as shit.

Todd: [ Crunching ]

Dean: Todd.

Todd: Well, there he is -- boss man.

-Dean: Yes, that's correct. -Todd: The head hondo.

Dean: "Honcho" I believe is the word you're looking for.

Todd: "Hondo" is a John Wayne movie.

Dean: I'm sure you're correct.

I myself only watch films in foreign languages.

Todd: Like "Au Revoir Les Enfants"?

Dean: Yes, that's correct.

Are you familiar with the works of Louis Malle?

Todd: I lived in France for a while, man.

Dean: Whereabouts?

Todd: I was in the trois arrondissement.

Dean: Mm. Very close to the Tower.

Todd: Yeah, pretty close to the Tower.

Dean: Todd, there have been some complaints...

about your work.

Todd: I-I put that severed finger in that coffee can.

I-I'm so sorry that somebody found it.

It was just intended to be a safekeeping place

until I found a better place to dispose of it.

Because it's medical waste, so --

Dean: I'm gonna stop you there. That was not the complaint.

Todd: So nobody found the finger?

Dean: Not as yet.

There actually has been a different complaint.

Todd: Yeah, I-I could not find a dog sitter for the day,

and Brutus -- you know, Rottweilers, they gotta chew,

so, you know, when he's right next to that couch,

he's just gonna bite into that thing.

Dean: Which couch did this Brutus bite?

-Todd: That's not what it is? -Dean: That's not what it is,

but I'm a little curious now as to which couch.

Todd: There's not a lot of damage, so...

[ Crunching ]

??

-Glenn: Hey, guys. -Amir: Hey, buddy.

Andrew: There he is.

-How was it? -Victoria: Hey, there.

Glenn: It was weird. The guy barely even touched me.

It was like I didn't get a massage at all.

-Amir: For real? -Glenn: Yeah.

He was, like, staying an inch above my body.

Andrew: Did you shower today?

-Glenn: Yeah, I showered today. -Andrew: I don't know.

Don't get defensive. I'm asking you.

Victoria: Do you have psoriasis?

Glenn: I don't have psoriasis. I'm a bath guy.

And I lotion up after I get out of the water.

I use a 12-hour lotion,

and I reapply every two hours just to be safe.

Did you guys get good massages? I mean...

Amir: I mean, I got a happy ending,

so yeah, I got a pretty good massage.

-Did you get a happy ending? -Glenn: Uh...

Amir: You got a happy ending, right?

Baxter: Yeah, of course.

Andrew: I got a happy ending,

and then he tried to go for a second,

and I did back him down.

Victoria: My ending was very happy.

We didn't get happy endings. [ Chuckles ]

That one person that doesn't get the happy ending,

you know why they don't.

The masseuse is so disgusted.

-Baxter: Yeah. Yeah. -Victoria: They, like, can't...

Baxter: There's nothing more telling

-of your attractive level... -Victoria: Uh-huh.

Baxter: ...than getting a happy ending or not.

Glenn: Okay, so, everyone --

I mean, how did -- You just --

Amir: He did this thing where he cupped my balls,

and I came to completion,

and somehow -- I don't know what happened.

Like, he caught it -- He was using both hands.

it was like "The Matrix." Amazing.

Baxter: 'Cause I didn't see him swallow it,

and I didn't see it go anywhere.

Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah, me too.

Baxter: So you did get a happy ending?

Glenn: I-I -- The massage was shit,

but I creamed harder --

Victoria: But you said, like, he didn't touch you that much.

Glenn: Take a note --

Don't take much to make me cream.

Amir: Tell me what was it like. What did he do to you?

Glenn: He came in fast and hard.

Andrew: Did he, uh, go around to the back porch?

Did he have tea on the back porch?

Glenn: Are you saying he took his time?

-Yeah, he took his time. -Andrew: No, no, no, no, no.

Baxter: Did he pee in your butt?

Glenn: Did he pee in your guys' butt?

[ Laughter ]

Baxter: Hell yeah, he did.

Amir: He peed in my butt.

Andrew: I asked you --

"Did you have tea on the back porch?

So yeah, did he pee inside your butt?

Glenn: Yeah, there was a nice decaffeinated pee

on the back porch.

[ Both laugh ]

Baxter: Glenn!

-Andrew: That was awesome. -Baxter: Yes.

Andrew: But almost sad at points.

Baxter: Yeah, sad. Uh-huh.

-But then awesome again. -Andrew: Then awesome again.

-Happy ending handshakes, -Baxter: Let's do this.

Victoria: Well, for me, that doesn't really work.

Andrew: You can just kind of flick the top of it with your fingers.

-Yeah! -Glenn: Boom!

-Andrew: Boom! -Glenn: Yeah!

Baxter: Where'd the cum go?

-Andrew: Yeah, where does it go? -Amir: Unbelievable.

Glenn: I'm gonna go back in and look for it, actually.

-Andrew: Cum hunt. -Glenn: Cum hunt.

Maybe I'll have some more of that tea.

-Baxter: Ha ha! -Glenn: On the back porch.

Baxter: My man!

Glenn: I'm gonna get a handjob from that young man

even if I have to fit him with a magnet mitten

and me with a steel rod in my urethra.

I've actually put some thought into this.

??

Chelsea: As you can see, this outdoor space

is perfectly suited to entertaining.

Coyne: I've all the entertainment I need

right here in this good book.

-Chelsea: I bet you do. -Coyne: Am I right? [ Laughs ]

Now, I sense -- correct me if I'm wrong --

you are a nonbeliever.

Chelsea: You got me. [ Laughs ]

Coyne: I would love you in my flock.

Chelsea: Yo, I'm not joining that dude's Yankee-ass flock.

Coyne: I used to sell cars.

I used to sell cars to people who couldn't afford the cars.

And then I found the Lord,

but I wouldn't believe in the Lord until I saw a miracle.

When I come across a nonbeliever like yourself,

I have to call on the Lord, and say,

"Lord, show this woman a miracle.

We must have food.

Provide me food!

And the Lord doth...provide.

Gayle: Oh! Hallelujah.

Chelsea: No, that's a disgusting old hamburger.

Coyne: Disgusting and old?

You are just mistaking that for a turkey burger.

Chelsea: Okay, well, then, uh,

why don't you take a big ol' juicy bite of that?

-Coyne: Right now? -Chelsea: Yeah, just chomp into it.

Coyne: Well, no, I'm fasting.

Chelsea: God hates this guy.

??

Dean: Todd, here is the complaint --

Todd: I will stop sex trafficking immediately.

[ Crunches ]

I'm just trying to find good jobs for those ladies.

Dean: Are you -- Are you doing this out of this building?

Todd: Yeah. I mean, it's a nice office, it's convenient.

I'm here a lot of the day, so when I moonlight,

this is where I do it.

[ Crunches ]

Dean: Well...

moonlighting, as a rule, is frowned upon.

-Todd: The show? -Dean: No, it --

Todd: Or the practice of holding a second job?

Dean: I think everyone around here generally enjoys the show.

Todd: 'Cause the first season really holds up.

Dean: Yes, when it was a sort of "Will they or won't they?"

but then once they actually did...

Todd: Yeah, once they did, there was no story left to tell.

Dean: The bloom was off the rose.

Todd: Yeah.

Dean: Todd, what you do on your own time is your business.

-That's not the complaint. -Todd: Okay. [ Crunches ]

Dean: Can I ask you --

just take a brief sabbatical from eating the carrots.

Todd: I mean, you put baby carrots out there like that,

it can be awfully tempting.

Dean: Who can resist?

Todd, I'm going to tell you what the complaint is.

Dean: You apparently have not refilled the soap dispenser

in the ladies' washroom on the second floor.

Todd: God damn it!

How often do you need that soap dispenser refilled?

Dean: Well, I-I think only as often as it's empty.

Todd: Jesus. I feel bad about that now.

-Dean: Oh, you do feel bad? -Todd: I do feel bad about that.

Dean: The finger, you're okay with?

Todd: The finger, I'm okay with.

Dean: Sex trafficking?

Todd: These ladies come from the Ukraine.

It's very oppressive there.

They need to find work.

I feel bad about that soap dispenser, man.

I'm gonna do that right now --

soon as I'm off my break.

Dean: How much time is left on your break?

Todd: Two hours.

Dean: That's -- That seems rather excessive.

Todd: I was told I make my own schedule.

Dean: Who...

Who would have told you this?

-Todd: Your boss. -Dean: My boss?

Todd: The guy you work under.

Dean: You know that this is my company?

Todd: [ Crunching ] There was another guy.

Dean: Did you switch to potato chips?

Todd: These are, like, a layer with salt and pepper.

-Dean: Mm-hmm. -Todd: It's wonderful.

-They're crisp-cut. -Dean: Mm-hmm.

Todd: Very good.

Dean: Crinkled.

??

??

Chelsea: I'm trying to sell a house to a fake preacher.

Coyne: Oh, the Lord is telling me that I am parched.

Thank you.

My flock provides just as the Lord.

Chelsea: He wants me to believe God is on his side

so I'll drop the price.

Coyne: But you know what?

It's such a beautiful evening out here

that I perhaps would love a glass of wine.

Water become wine!

Chelsea: Literally nothing happened.

Coyne: Mmm. That is wine.

Gayle: Oh! Hallelujah!

Coyne: Hallelujah. That is wine.

Chelsea: Oh, okay. Can I try some?

Coyne: You would like to try this?

A-All right. One second. Let me just take a sip.

Chelsea: You can't --

Gayle: ? Down the hatch ?

? Down the hatch ?

-Chelsea: Very good. -Gayle: ? Down the hatch ?

Coyne: Oh, my God. It's empty.

It is absolutely empty.

Chelsea: I wish I could turn this jackass into a buyer.

That would be a miracle.

Coyne: Look at this pool. This pool is so beautiful.

But wouldn't it even be better if we had water features --

cascading jets shooting streams of waters around it

so it makes the pool a centerpiece of a backyard!

Chelsea: Yeah, the pool has water features.

Anyone can see that --

right here on the miracle of the MLS.

Coyne: Lord, if you believe

that this pool should have water features,

I want you to give me water features, Lord!

Gayle: Oh! Hallelujah!

It's a miracle! it's a miracle!

Oh, yes, you did!

Coyne: Sister Chelsea believes in you, Lord!

Chelsea: So I lied. A lie to a Realtor is like a wrench to a plumber.

Finally this house has something to offer me and my congregation!

Chelsea: This isn't that bad.

I once become Amish to close a deal

on a five-bedroom in Culver City.

??

Glenn: Okay, everybody, thanks for coming together

for one more meeting before we leave for the night.

Everyone else got handjobs today,

and frankly, it's not fair.

Just want to go over some office protocol, all right?

Dean wants us to be more like Google?

Well, I can tell you there are plenty of handjobs at Google.

Ask Jeeves.

Here at Platinum Realty, we're a team,

and when teams win together...

-Amir: They... -Glenn: ...they...

-Victoria: Lose together. -Glenn: They lose together.

The point is, if we win, we all win together.

If we lose, we all lose together.

So if we win and we get something,

then we all get that something, okay?

One of us gets a listing, then we all have a listing, right?

Victoria: No, that's not it at all.

Amir: Whoever gets the listing gets the listing.

Baxter: Is this about you not getting a happy ending?

Glenn: No! That's not -- That's n-- I mean --

-Victoria: I knew it. -Andrew: Wait, if it's not that,

is this about you not getting a happy ending?

-Glenn: No! -Amir: Follow-up question?

-Glenn: Yes. -Amir: If that's not the case,

then is it because you didn't get a happy ending?

-Glenn: No! -Andrew: That's true.

Glenn: Enough, okay?

This is just like all the other times in the office

where I'm getting excluded

and you guys are having fun together.

Like when we all ordered that 6-foot party sub

and I didn't get to have any of it.

I still had to eat the carrots

and the hummus that I made at home.

Or the time that Victoria, you had a pool party

and I found about it on Instagram

because no one told me about it.

Victoria: Well, I didn't want you to go.

Glenn: Look, I deserve a handjob

You got it stroked, you got it stroked,

you got it stroked, you got it poked.

I deserve it, too!

Andrew: You make great hummus.

Glenn: The secret is to de-skin the garbanzos

and add the lemon juice at the last minute.

You want to know the real happy ending?

The real happy ending is respect,

and I deserve it just as much as you guys do.

That's the happy ending I want -- respect.

Baxter: I think it's a slow clap.

Andrew: Oh. That's it -- slow clap.

That's a slow clap.

Glenn: Come on, everybody.

Victoria: I'm done here.

Baxter: Me too.

Victoria: I'm going home.

Baxter: And just so you know, I got it poked, too.

??

??

Coyne: Now, I like this house!

Gayle: Ooh! He like the house.

Chelsea: Today, I brought Reverend Coyne back to the house.

The final step to making the sale --

I got to get saved.

Coyne: But I do not love this house.

Gayle: Mm-hmm!

Coyne: Because the devil is in this house!

Gayle: All up in the house!

Coyne: Does anyone among you

-want to be saved? -Chelsea: Yes, I do.

Gayle: You better, Sister. Go up to him.

Coyne: Please, come up and join me.

-Say "Hello, Lord!" -Chelsea: Hello, Lord!

-Coyne: Say "I want to be saved." -Chelsea: I want to be saved!

Coyne: "I will lower the price to get the devil out!"

Chelsea: Oh, how much?

Coyne: If you want to get the devil out,

you got to get the price down!

If you want to get the devil out,

you got to get the price down!

Chelsea: All right, I'm gonna drop the price 750 below asking.

Coyne: Oh, hallelujah! That is a miracle!

And the devil is cast out into that beautiful ocean!

The devil will go far, far away -- to Catalina.

Now let us go sign the paperwork the Lord has prepared.

-? Sign the paper ? -Chelsea: ? Lord ?

-? Paperwork ? -Chelsea: ? Use me, Lord ?

-? Sign the paper ? -Chelsea: ? Sign it ?

Together: ? Paperwork ?

Chelsea: ? Paperwooork ?

The seller had already given me authority

to drop the price up to a million below asking.

Thank you, Lord.

[ Smooches ]

??

Glenn: That's n-i-i-i-ice.

O-h-h-h-h, Za-a-a-a-a-ch.

I had Zach come back today.

It's not about a stranger

massaging me to orgasm in a conference room.

It's about respect.

I think I'm gonna flip over onto my back now.

Zach: No, we're not quite at that point yet.

Glenn: Yeah, I got to flip over onto my back.

-Ohh. That's a lot better, yeah. -Zach: O...kay.

Is there an area you want me to f-focus on here?

Glenn: Uh...yeah.

I've been feeling, uh, the most soreness

in, uh, uh, this area right here.

Zach: Oh, okay.

-The sort of upper thigh... -Glenn: Sure, sure.

Zach: Yeah, I can -- I can kind of work that area.

Yyyyeah.

Just...put that...back there, and --

Why don't I just start with the hands?

Glenn: [ Laughing ] Yeah.

Zach: We can just... leave that right here.

Kind of helps...me know what's on...the up-and-up.

Oh!

Stop it! Look --

Glenn: Maybe start at the legs and work your way up.

Zach: I -- Sure, yeah.

Glenn: Oh, hey, your accent sounds familiar.

Are you from Strokesville?

Zach: Mm...no.

Glenn: Are you sure?

Choo-choo! All aboard the Handjob Express!

Next stop -- Jizztown!

-You need to give me a handjob. -Zach: Aah!

-No! No! -Glenn: Come on. We look alike.

It'll be like you're giving yourself one.

Zach: [ Blows whistle ]

Rape! He's raping me!

[ Blows whistle ]

Glenn: Why not me?!

Zach: Because I don't love you!

[ Crying ]

[ Both crying ]

Zach: [ Blowing whistle lightly ]

Glenn: [ Crying ] I'm so sorry.

[ Sniffles ]

[ Both crying ]

I am so sorry.

-Zach: [ Whimpers ] -Glenn: Give me --

-Come on! Come on! -Zach: No!

Why'd you give everyone else one and not me?

Zach: I didn't! I didn't!

Glenn: What?! Nobody got a happy ending?!

Those fiends! Those diabolical fiends!

[ Laughter ]

Glenn: Go ahead! Laugh! Ha ha ha!

You sons of bitches! You bunch of pricks!

-Are you happy?! -Amir: [ Laughing ] Yes!

Glenn: You made this nice man cry at my penis,

you bunch of assholes.

[ Laughter ]

Glenn: Ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, I know.

None of you guys got handjobs from this guy.

-Victoria: Of course not! -Amir: Of course not.

Why would we get a handjob from this guy?

Victoria: I'm not gonna let some asexual masseuse

go down on me.

I'm wearing Versace, for crying out loud.

-Amir: That's disgusting. -Zach: Not that disgusting.

Glenn: You know what's really disgusting?

The fact that you guys would pull

these kind of pranks and trick someone like me.

All right, I'm an honest person

who just tries to help you all the time,

and all I ask for is a little bit of respect in return.

You didn't take my dignity. I still have it.

Okay, so sit with that

and think about that for a little bit.

Amir: Wow.

There's your dignity.

-Amir: Just leave it. Leave it. -Victoria: Glenn, Glenn, Glenn.

??

Baxter: Well, I went to make coffee this morning,

and I got fingered!

[ Laughs ]

Uh-oh. Nailed it!

[ Laughs ]

I'll call the police now.

We should find out whose finger this is.

This is a real finger.

Euggh. It stinks a little bit.

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