Original subtitles

ALL: Botox, Botox, Botox!

GLENN: Like all high-end real estate companies,

Platinum has a monthly Botox budget.

This month, I was able to save us some money.

AMIR: Whoo!

Oh, yeah!

GLENN: Hey, everybody, please welcome Dr. Chambong.

[ Applause ] BAXTER: Yeah, all right!

DOCTOR: Uh, actually, it's Mr. Doctor Chambong.

My first name is Doctor.

GLENN: I was sitting in the bathroom just doing my business,

and I heard a voice in the stall next to me.

DOCTOR: Let me talk to you about science.

We know it exists,

but we can't really see it, can we?

But we know it's there.

You know, some say they can send a man to the moon.

And it has been responsible for all of our modern-day miracles.

The incandescent light bulb, freeways, and juice.

[ Applause ]

With me is a modern day elixir

of de-aging mystification.

I'm not gonna waste one more second...

before injecting this sweet love juice

into your skin flaps.

VICTORIA: On a desert island, three things I need

are rice crackers, George Clooney, and Botox.

But if I really had to think about it,

it's just really Botox.

BAXTER: You don't get to look like Santa's hottest elf

by accident.

ALL: Put the face back in our face.

Put the face back in our -- -DOCTOR: Hang on one second.

I do want to say this!

I do want to say that all of us

are in the upper echelon of income,

and we're very privileged to have this service done.

There are kids down the street

eating their own stomach linings.

That's the only way they can find nourishment.

So let's -- let's take hold of that and get to it!

[ Cheering ] -Let's get to it!

Okay, who wants to be the first one?

BAXTER: Any need for alcohol swabs or...

-DOCTOR: No. -BAXTER: Okay.

DOCTOR: But some alcohol, maybe.

You want a bourbon?

BAXTER: Yeah, so I think, like, like just mostly -- okay, yeah.

DOCTOR: Doesn't hurt a bit. Right there.

Oh, you were a bit off kilter, and now you're not!

Well done! Yes!

BAXTER: I can actually feel myself getting handsomer.

DOCTOR: Here we go.

VICTORIA: Don't worry about pain.

I've taken like four Vicodin.

DOCTOR: Where we start, nobody knows.

Right there. Yes. Surprise is very good.

It's receptive to the Botox.

Right there. AMIR: Wow.

-DOCTOR: There. And there. -VICTORIA: Oh! Oh!

BAXTER: Is she having an orgasm?

DOCTOR: And we're done! We're done!

VICTORIA: Oh, my God! BAXTER: Wow.

DOCTOR: Did you finish? BAXTER: Did you just come?

VICTORIA: I find there's no greater aphrodisiac

AMIR: Everyone's worried about their face,

but that's amateur hour.

I am gonna stop sweating.

AMIR: Ow! No, that definitely -- ow!

DOCTOR: Right. Right into your mammaries.

AMIR: You went through my nipple hole.

DOCTOR: Thanks for the mammaries.

[ Laughter ]

AMIR: Ow, ow! You go right through the hole.

VICTORIA: Mr. Pun!

DOCTOR: You're done.

BAXTER: Thanks for the mammaries.

ALL: Thanks for the mammaries! Thanks for the mammaries!

AMIR: Do you know what they say?

No nip pain, no nip gain.

DOCTOR: Well, I must go off. My Uber is waiting. Okay.

VICTORIA: Oh, okay. DOCTOR: Bye, everyone.

VICTORIA: Goodbye, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Oh, by the way, this is not Botox.

I'm legally required to say it's "Brtox."

It's a fungi.

Speaking of which, have fun, guys. [ Laughs ]

-GLENN: Oh! -BAXTER: Yeah.

-VICTORIA: Yeah. -BAXTER: Okay.

AMIR: Glenn, you are the man, bro.

You saved the day. You did it.

I have faith in you, dude.

VICTORIA: You did something right.

AMIR: Whoa, Jesus! Dude, your face.

BAXTER: What?

VICTORIA: You're all bruised up.

BAXTER: Really?

CHELSEA: I'm meeting with my home inspector, Hector.

We have an understanding.

I put up with his crush on me,

and he gives me a great report.

HECTOR: This place is amazing.

-CHELSEA: No -- No problems? -HECTOR: No problems whatsoever.

There is a beautiful drainage system.

All the corners have been, like, spackled and redone.

They've got foam insulation.

CHELSEA: So it's fine is what you're saying.

HECTOR: It's beyond fine. Hey, you're beyond fine.

CHELSEA: Thank you. That was easy.

CHELSEA: We're in out of this pretty quickly then, huh?

HECTOR: Well, I'd like to take some time.

CHELSEA: Why do you always turn it just a little weird?

HECTOR: Well, that's me.

CHELSEA: And then he ushers the lady

into a dark, cavernous place. -HECTOR: Believe me,

if I was gonna murder you, it would not be here.

You can see, like,

this whole thing is completely earthquake safe.

It's been retrofitted. -CHELSEA: Yeah.

HECTOR: You've got secondary binders on all those.

CHELSEA: Hector's top 10 basements, huh?

HECTOR: Oh, speaking of Hector's top 10,

my gosh, you're my top 20.

CHELSEA: All right, what did we say?

Okay, I've seen enough. And so has Hector.

Is this where we came in?

HECTOR: How do you not know where we came from?

CHELSEA: Oh, no, I...

Why can't I get locked in a basement with a hot guy?

[ Hisses ]

What the --

HECTOR: God!

Oh, my God, I almost just jumped my pants out.

You know what, it probably -- probably a drought rat.

CHELSEA: A what?

HECTOR: Those are normal rats that have feasted on other rats,

because this place is airtight.

[ Hissing ] CHELSEA: Agh!

HECTOR: Listen, stay next to me.

CHELSEA: No, I'm more scared behind you.

You stay behind me. -HECTOR: All right.

[ Hisses ]

Hang on, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

CHELSEA: I just don't want to confront anything that's alive.

ANDREW: I skipped out on Botox this month

because it's the only time Dean can meet with me.

Mm, mm, mm, mm!

DEAN: Now, why did you want to see me, Baxter?

Andrew!

ANDREW: Yeah, you didn't know my name.

DEAN: To be fair, I knew your name,

I didn't know that it went with you.

ANDREW: Yeah, you actually corrected.

-DEAN: I self-corrected. -ANDREW: Yeah.

He's just a good friend, so I take no offense

to you calling me Baxter,

if that comes to mind, 'cause I get it.

DEAN: And why did you want to see me?

ANDREW: I was gonna talk about the partnership, but...

it's clear I need something more.

What I really want to ask you

is maybe you could be a father-like figure to me.

Like, if I could come to you for work-related stuff,

but also just have somebody I could come to

in times when I just need somebody to be...

like a dad.

DEAN: Andrew...

this father-figure business, what's in it for me?

ANDREW: Your volunteering your time maybe at a --

DEAN: I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is.

ANDREW: You don't know what volunteering is?

DEAN: I know the word. I don't know the experience.

ANDREW: Can I give you an example of a problem I have?

DEAN: Please, I wish you would, I wish you would.

ANDREW: This will be a small problem.

I think I'm addicted to Tylenol PM.

ANDREW: I can't sleep without it,

and I've increased my dosage

where I take seven to get sleepy.

DEAN: How many are you supposed to take on the package?

ANDREW: I mean, I started with one.

I think they say for an adult, two.

DEAN: And you want advice about this?

Stop doing that.

ANDREW: Is it just me, or are Dean and I kind of like...

[ Beeping ]

DEAN: Now let me give you my review of the experience.

It was boring.

It was boring to tell you that.

ANDREW: Will you please be my daddy

and just put aside some of your own things for a little bit?

DEAN: This is verging on inappropriate.

ANDREW: Will you please... be Poppy to me?

DEAN: Andrew...

I'm going to pretend to take a phone call.

that will give you an opportunity

to exit my office.

ANDREW: It's to --

DEAN: And we'll both pretend...

that you didn't ask me to please be your daddy.

ANDREW: Will you call mommy?

DEAN: Uh-oh. Phone's ringing.

ANDREW: No. Who is it?

DEAN: Hello, Dean Rosedragon.

Oh, very important, you say?

Well, I have time. That will be all.

ANDREW: Who is it?

DEAN: I should have asked you to agree to our terms.

I see now my mistake.

SUSAN: Hello.

Oh. Victoria.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God!

VICTORIA: Susan! Welcome to Platinum.

SUSAN: [ Screaming ]

AMIR: Victoria and Baxter's faces are messed up.

But mine's great.

I'm just sweating from...

every inch of my body.

No. -VICTORIA: It's okay.

SUSAN: No, please, don't hurt me.

VICTORIA: We're real-estate brokers.

AMIR: We're real estate brokers.

-SUSAN: Please. -AMIR: It's okay.

SUSAN: I want to spend 300 on two-bath with a view.

VICTORIA: We can help you.

BAXTER: Oh, we had fake bad Botox.

-VICTORIA: Yes. -SUSAN: Oh, please!

I want to live! I want to live.

BAXTER: A view of what, downtown?

SUSAN: [ Screaming ] Don't touch me!

BAXTER: You want downtown view?

VICTORIA: That is the third potential client

to run away from the office today.

And I'm beginning to think there's something wrong.

ANDREW: I'm meeting with a new client --

movie star Tobin Carr.

I'm a huge fan.

And I'm hoping that closing this deal

will win me Daddy Dean's love.

Loved you in "The Candle Guy."

TOBIN: Yeah. So good, yeah.

ANDREW: That's too many candles.

TOBIN: Yeah, it was one too many.

-ANDREW: Yeah. -TOBIN: That's great, great.

ANDREW: I dabble in a little acting myself.

-TOBIN: Oh, you do? -ANDREW: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

These are not prescription, they're just --

TOBIN: Oh, I totally thought that they were prescription.

You're doing a really good job squinting.

ANDREW: Oh, thank you. Thank you.

I'm just a little star-struck. -TOBIN: Oh, no problem, yeah.

Happens all the time. So nice to meet you.

Thank you so much for showing me this house.

You know, this is kind of ticking all my boxes.

ANDREW: Well, good.

TOBIN: I want to see the indoors.

Can I talk to you for one second before we go in?

I just got cast in a new film --

very last minute. Starts shooting on Monday.

ANDREW: Wow.

TOBIN: It's a very, very important film for me.

I need to start getting into character.

I need to spend this weekend

sort of doing research on the character.

ANDREW: That's awesome.

TOBIN: So I'm kind of hoping that you could just refer to me

by my character's name when we're in there.

ANDREW: Okay, yeah, this is fun.

TOBIN: Billy. Guy named Billy.

ANDREW: Yeah, hey. These are not real.

I can do this. Okay, Billy.

TOBIN: Billy! So just refer to me as Billy.

ANDREW: That's easy. So let's take a look, Billy.

-TOBIN: Here we go. -ANDREW: Get in there.

ANDREW: What...do you think of this?

The marble floors...

go right into all hardwood floors.

That's throughout the entire property.

We have a nice little private bar over here.

Nice room. You have the guys...the guys over.

You okay, Billy?

TOBIN: Why did you bwing me here, mister?

ANDREW: So it turns out Billy's a kid.

BAXTER: Guys, I know we don't really want to admit this,

but I don't think that Chambong was a real doctor.

AMIR: I think you're right.

I'm pretty sure when I asked him

where he went to medical school, he said, "Yes."

VICTORIA: Amir and Baxter look crazy.

AMIR: We all look like monsters.

VICTORIA: How do you think I feel?

Yeah, I look beautiful, but I can't move my face.

BAXTER: You don't need your face.

AMIR: Getting injected with poison really

put us at each others throats.

VICTORIA: I mean, I look great with Brtox.

Flawless, wrinkle-free.

I can't blink,

but the doctor just said to manually do it --

which is fine.

Jesus.

Every one of these glasses is broken!

BAXTER: Your lips aren't working, that's the problem.

VICTORIA: It's my lips? AMIR: Yeah.

BAXTER: Yeah, your lips look crazy!

AMIR: Chambong fucked us.

There's no way that Chambong -- Cham-bomb? Chambong.

BAXTER: It has been a Cham-bomb.

BAXTER: And it's gone off all over us.

Chambong convinced me to give him my car keys,

and I went down to where my car is,

and guess what's waiting there? -VICTORIA: What?

-BAXTER: A guy selling nuts. -AMIR: Hold on.

You're telling me he took your car, drove it away,

then rented your parking spot to a nut dealer?

BAXTER: I think so. But when I went down there,

I said, "Hey, where's my car?" He said, "Do you need a ride?"

VICTORIA: I can't even drink water!

Okay, my lips don't even work.

BAXTER: That doesn't equate to what's happening to us.

VICTORIA: It absolutely does!

I'll die of dehydration.

AMIR: You can drink water,

you just can't get it through your dumb lips.

-VICTORIA: No, no! No. -AMIR: Drink it!

Ah, look, you're drinking water!

VICTORIA: Oh, my -- You have been waiting for a moment

to get my white shirt wet.

How dare he!

ANDREW: I'm showing movie star Tobin Carr

a new house -- I mean Billy. Billy.

TOBIN: Why did you bwing me to your stwange house?

ANDREW: Oh.

So, Billy's a kid. But I --

I think I can still close this deal.

Okay, no... I wanted to show you the house

that maybe, Billy, this could be a nice house for you to own.

TOBIN: You want me to be in your house with you,

Mr. Stranger?

ANDREW: I'm not a...

Well, yeah, that's true.

Come in and look at my house. Jesus Christ.

TOBIN: Okay, Mister, I was told

I wasn't supposed to do things like this,

but I'll come into your house 'cause --

[ Whimpers ]

ANDREW: I'm not gonna do anything to you.

Stwanger danger!

ANDREW: I know in Hollywood a talented actor

can play any role, but I'm not sure I buy Billy.

TOBIN: I assume you want to have sex with me,

a wittle boy.

Okay, Mister, you can have sex with me.

ANDREW: No.

TOBIN: Where do you want to do it?

You want to do it here, Mister? [ Sobbing ]

ANDREW: You don't have to cry, Billy.

We're not gonna do it until later.

TOBIN: Weally?

ANDREW: Yeah, we're gonna -- we'll figure it out

after I show you around my -- the tree house.

It's a special tree house.

-TOBIN: Okay. -ANDREW: Hey, Tobin?

TOBIN: Who's Tobin?

ANDREW: Oh, no. All right.

So I'll just show you around, and you can make a decision

whether Billy, you'd like to own this house.

TOBIN: Okay. How much moneys is it?

ANDREW: Well, the starting price is $11.5 million.

TOBIN: Millions dollars?! I don't have that kind of money.

I saved $5 in my allowance.

-ANDREW: Altogether or just -- -TOBIN: Altogether.

-ANDREW: Or per week? -TOBIN: No, no!

It took me 500 weeks.

-ANDREW: That's like -- -TOBIN: 10 years.

-ANDREW: Okay. -TOBIN: Just under.

ANDREW: I mean, I knew at the beginning

of even trying to figure it out, it wasn't gonna be enough.

But I still tried to figure it out.

TOBIN: Some people think because I'm 11 years old,

I shouldn't be talking like this.

-ANDREW: You're 11? -TOBIN: Yeah.

ANDREW: 11 years old, that's almost the age

to, like, grow pubic hair.

TOBIN: Do you want to see my pubic hair, Mister?

ANDREW: No, that wasn't a question, no.

-TOBIN: All right, Mister. -ANDREW: That wasn't a question.

-TOBIN: I knew this was coming. -ANDREW: No.

No, no, no, no, no, no. -TOBIN: No?

ANDREW: Zip that way back up.

TOBIN: They're short, but they're cute.

-ANDREW: What is? -TOBIN: My pubies.

ANDREW: Oh. Okay, no, I don't want to see that at all.

I hate this movie.

No. No.

I think you'd really like this property,

and I'm talking to Billy, but I'm also,

I want to make sure anybody else who is listening,

I think this would be -- -TOBIN: Help!

-ANDREW: No, no, no, no! -TOBIN: Help me!

Andrew Wright is twying to wape me!

ANDREW: No! I'm not trying to rape anybody!

I'm not trying to rape anyone!

CHELSEA: Suddenly Hector isn't the biggest predator

We're being hunted by a wild animal.

-HECTOR: You're strong! -CHELSEA: I don't feel it!

HECTOR: You can do this!

CHELSEA: I feel hard and soft at the same time!

-HECTOR: Hey, hey, hey! -CHELSEA: I'm like cheese.

HECTOR: Do you feel our bodies pressing against each other?

CHELSEA: Unfortunately.

HECTOR: This is what was supposed to happen. It's okay.

CHELSEA: I don't want to die in your arms.

HECTOR: What?

CHELSEA: Oh, God.

HECTOR: What is that supposed to mean?

CHELSEA: I just want someone better.

[ Hisses ] Oh!

Hector, I have so much more I want to do.

You're done with your life, you don't understand.

-HECTOR: What?! -CHELSEA: You are!

HECTOR: I'm 45, I'm not dead!

CHELSEA: Pretty close. [ Animal chittering ]

Oh!

-HECTOR: [ Screaming ] -CHELSEA: Why would you leave?!

Why would you leave?! Why would you leave a woman?

Oh, God. I'm all alone.

I didn't think I would die wearing Rayon.

Please, tell my followers I love them.

Please, tell -- -HECTOR: Chelsea --

CHELSEA: [ Screams ] Whoa! Oh, Hector.

HECTOR: I thought I lost you.

CHELSEA: Oh, Hector, I thought you were dead.

HECTOR: No. I'm right here.

-CHELSEA: Oh! -MAN: Oh, my gosh!

-CHELSEA: Who are you? -MAN: I'm the cable guy.

I came down here a long time ago,

and I've been stuck down here.

Did you come to rescue me? Yes, yes! Finally!

CHELSEA: How long have you been down here?

MAN: Oh, how long? I don't know.

Uh...is "Desperate Housewives"

still really, really liked on the outside?

CHELSEA: Ooh. Na -- no, baby, no.

MAN: Oh, it's been a long time 'cause it was, like, up there.

CHELSEA: So you've been down here this long?

How have you survived? What have you eaten?

MAN: I sing for mice at night, and they come, and I eat them.

-HECTOR: Wait, what? -CHELSEA: You sing?

-MAN: I sing for mice. -HECTOR: Like a specific song?

MAN: No, I've been mixing it up. A little early Petty.

CHELSEA: This is officially my worst nightmare --

trapped in a basement with two middle-aged white dudes

who aren't Billy Zane and Anthony Kiedis.

HECTOR: Most people don't have cable anymore.

-MAN: Yeah, really? -CHELSEA: Oh, yeah.

[ Hissing ] MAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Shh, did you hear that?

That's her. -HECTOR: Who's her?

MAN: That's the possum that's been hunting me

and I've been hunting her. -HECTOR: What?!

MAN: I call her treachery. I hear you!

-HECTOR: Whoa. -MAN: I hear you!

This is the last time around, opossum!

No, no! I will drop, but save yourselves.

CHELSEA: Okay. He said run.

MAN: I'm coming for you! [ Screaming ]

CHELSEA: I used Hector as a battering ram and we got out.

HECTOR: Whoa! Whoa, ho ho! That was nuts!

CHELSEA: Yeah. It was insane.

-HECTOR: Holy cow. -CHELSEA: Oh! Are you all right?

HECTOR: Oh, you know. I think I probably sprained it.

Want to give it a rub, though? -CHELSEA: No, I do not.

Should we go back and get that guy?

HECTOR: Let's go.

CHELSEA: Who am I to upset the delicate ecosystem

of a basement?

VICTORIA: I told Glenn

if he didn't get Doctor Chambong back in this office,

I was gonna flatten his nut sac like a pancake.

GLENN: Get in here.

-BAXTER: Good! -DOCTOR: Hi.

-BAXTER: Where was he? -GLENN: He was under the pier.

He was throwing dice with a bunch of stray dogs.

DOCTOR: Listen, guys, you don't look bad at all.

AMIR: The other guys' faces are all messed up,

but I'm just sweating, which is just fine

because I -- Well, this is new.

-BAXTER: Yeah! -DOCTOR: Okay, okay!

BAXTER: What did you do to us?

VICTORIA: Mr. Doctor, look at my face!

I'm very upset right now.

BAXTER: Her face is slightly different than it was before.

VICTORIA: It is slightly different.

DOCTOR: Askew. It's just a little askew.

BAXTER: Mine...is fucked.

I have a family reunion this weekend -- not mine!

DOCTOR: Tell 'em you're in a fight club.

VICTORIA: The stuff obviously didn't work.

BAXTER: Emir's sweating worse than he ever did!

AMIR: I'm sweating out of everything.

DOCTOR: Okay, this is all gonna go down in about five days.

Five business days.

BAXTER: Son of a bitch!

I don't have five business days!

DOCTOR: Please don't sue me!

VICTORIA: I just want the good stuff,

something that will actually make a difference.

BAXTER: You gave us Brtox. We want the good stuff.

DOCTOR: Wait, you're...not gonna sue me? You want the good stuff?

AMIR: We want the good stuff, man!

-VICTORIA: Yes! -BAXTER: If you have it.

DOCTOR: Okay, all right.

Of course I do! Of course I do!

AMIR: This is the fifth shirt that I've sweat through today.

DOCTOR: Look!

I've got the better version of Brtox.

I've got Brotox.

-ALL: Brotox! -DOCTOR: Yeah!

It was in this -- VICTORIA: Yeah!

-BAXTER: Okay. -DOCTOR: Yeah, yeah.

How about some? -ALL: [ Chanting "Brotox" ]

GLENN: Chambong is a great doctor.

He's also a notary public, a marijuana clown,

and a he smokes his own meat.

I bought prime rib out of the trunk of his Corolla.

I ate that trunk meat, and it was yum.

-BAXTER: Oh! -DOCTOR: Oh, boy!

-VICTORIA: My turn, my turn! -DOCTOR: That's gonna do ya.

-AMIR: Yeah. -BAXTER: Feels really good.

-AMIR: Oh! -BAXTER: Feels really good.

AMIR: Wow! Is he supposed to sound like that?

DOCTOR: Well, his other eye is going,

so it's a match.

-AMIR: Oh, all right. -DOCTOR: You're next.

You look beautiful.

ALL: [ Chanting "Brotox" ]

BAXTER: Now this is the good stuff.

Honey roasted peanut man, where's my car?!

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