Original subtitles

??

Dean: Why are we in a sales slump?

Chelsea: Ugh.

Andrew: I got to be honest,

our sales haven't been great,

Dean, uh, it's always darkest before the storm, right?

Dean: That is not true. Victoria: It's not...

Baxter: It's darkest before night is what we're saying.

Dean: No. Why would it be darkest before night?

Baxter: It's darkest right before night.

And we're about to be in night.

Dean: You're not correct. It's darkest when it's dark.

That's when it's the darkest.

Andrew: No. It's darkest when it's darker than dark.

Dean: And when is that? Andrew: I don't know,

but sometimes at night, you can be like,

"Oh, it's night. It's pretty dark."

And then sometimes you're at night,

and you're like, "Whoa, it got darker."

Baxter: Yeah. The stars are out.

There's the moon out, and it's pretty bright.

Dean: How does this relate to sales?

Why are you not selling more?

Victoria: Well, I think it's pretty obvious.

Baxter: Why?

Victoria: Because you guys are idiots.

Baxter: People like that. Dean: Is this true?

Baxter: People like the approachability...

of not knowing much information.

You don't want to seem above them.

Andrew: Nah. We ask them a lot of of questions.

What kind of house is this? Do you know how much it costs?

Uh, how many rooms does it have?

Baxter: Did you happen to count the bedrooms?

We haven't been upstairs yet.

In fact, we have bought houses from clients.

Dean: That is, at best, counterproductive.

And has this led to any sales?

Andrew: It did lead to a sale. Baxter: Mm-hmm.

Dean: Which sale was that? Andrew: We sold our Schwinn.

Dean: You shared a bike?

??

Chelsea: Showing a property to one of Victoria's clients

is like taking candy from a baby,

a baby that swears and wears way too much makeup.

You know, I am no chef,

but I love a stainless chef's kitchen, right?

Shoshua: Mm-hmm.

Speaking of chef, I have a question for you.

Shoshua: What's your name again, sweetheart?

-Chelsea: I'm Chelsea. -Shoshua: Chelsea.

-Chelsea: Yeah. -Shoshua: Shoshua.

Chelsea: Shoshua, yay.

-Shoshua: What is your gumbo? -Chelsea: My...

Shoshua: What are the flavors

that make this beautiful you-fle?

Clearly, there's some African in there, and it's hot.

It's beautiful. Is there some Asian, too?

Chelsea: You know, I actually don't know.

My parents didn't believe in labels, so...

Shoshua: Can I...

Mm-hmm. There's some Asian in there.

Victoria: Did you taste something?

Shoshua: [ Laughs ]

Chelsea: He tasted me. Ah.

Victoria: Shoshua is a horrifying vagina scarecrow,

but he's rich, and I want that commission.

Shoshua: These floors, this is concrete and this is...

Chelsea: Yes. It is...

Shoshua: Because I have a lot of squirter friends.

So it gets kind of playful in here.

Some of my European friends are into scat play.

I'm not, but I'm totally open to that.

Chelsea: Me too. [ Laughter ]

Whatever you want. -Shoshua: She's terrific.

-Victoria: Isn't she? -Shoshua: She's terrific.

Chelsea: Shoshua is like fine wine,

only instead of getting better with time,

he gets even more disgusting.

Shoshua: Where are the, um,...

What do you call them, the beams, the supports,

'cause I like to hang plants

and fuck-swings and things like that.

Chelsea: Oh. Victoria: There it is.

Shoshua: I don't have any boundaries.

Victoria: Uh, no. No, he doesn't.

He's telling the truth.

Shoshua: Ahh.

??

Glenn: Amir invited me to his groundbreaking seminar.

I'm honored he could fit me in.

And I got the fast pass, so no lines.

Amir: Hey! How's it going?

Are you all ready to find out what the secret to life is?

Well, then you're at the wrong place.

Are you ready to find out what the secret to real estate is?

Well, then you're in the right place.

Let's get started.

If Glenn is truly Dean's bastard son,

then he's my golden ticket to the partnership.

I'm gonna take this boy under my wing

and Yaghoob all over him.

Thank you all for being here.

I really appreciate it. Here we go.

Point number one is believe in it.

I'm talking about believe

like you've never believed before, okay?

Glenn: Uh, well, I was raised Catholic, so...

Amir: Just give me a yes or a no.

-Glenn: Oh, yes. -Amir: Well, take that belief

and throw it down the toilet.

Next, achieve.

Whatever you got to do, you do to achieve.

You call your mom and tell her to go

fuck herself if you have to.

You take a baby, and you throw it

off the top of a building if you have to.

Hold on. It's okay.

No, you don't have to really throw a baby off the building.

Glenn: I don't want to tell my mom to fuck off.

I don't have any other family.

Amir: Let's just keep going.

And what's the next thing you do?

You bechieve!

That's me, jumping and clicking my heels

for the first time in my life.

You know why?

Because I bechieved that I could do it,

and I did do it, Glenn.

Glenn: Very cool. It's a great word.

Amir: Glenn!

Don't interrupt me. -Glenn: I'm sorry.

Amir: Okay, I've got my eyes on you.

I see what you're doing, right there. I got you.

I see you. -Glenn: What?

Amir: I don't need you to interrupt me.

-Glenn: How did you do... -Amir: Okay.

That's what we're talking about, right there.

That's what this whole lecture is about,

bechieving like that, okay?

-Glenn: Okay. -Amir: Do you want that posture?

Do you want that...

[ Grunts ]

Minds blown, people.

Time to wrap it up.

Yes, I've got just a little bit of time

for questions, comments, accolade.

Yes, the middle-aged lesbian in the front.

Glenn: Okay, pretty good.

Uh, that was an incredible lecture.

Amir: Thank you very much. That's all the time we have.

And remember, if you want to achieve,

if you want to believe, then you can...

Glenn: Bechieve it.

Amir: Bechieve it.

[ Glenn claps ]

Glenn: Wow. That was incredible.

He showed me who I am and who I could be.

Not bad for three grand.

??

Andrew: [ Barks ]

We're on our way to see a 1920s Bel Air estate.

Baxter: I looked it up on Zillow.

The zestimate is $9.2 million,

and zat's not too zabby.

Andrew: If we can list this estate,

it'll pull us out of our slump.

Baxter: And make us a shoe-in for the partnership.

Andrew: This place is crazy.

-Baxter: Don't touch that. -Andrew: Somebody did that.

Baxter: They'll follow you home. Those things follow you home.

Andrew: I know, remember?

We don't go to the American Doll store anymore.

Baxter: Plus, we're banned.

I stole Samantha's horse-riding kit.

Andrew: Mm-hmm.

[ Wheelchair wheels squeaking ]

Hello.

Mrs. Gulliver: [ Wheezes ]

Baxter: She can't breathe.

Andrew: It's an absolute pleasure to meet you.

Butler: Presenting Mrs. Gulliver.

Andrew: This feels like the part of a horror movie

where we run out of gas.

Baxter: Yeah, and then we ask for help at the murder house.

Butler: I must tell you, Mrs. Gulliver has not decided

whether you will be the lads to sell this fantastic property.

For her to choose you,

two fit, strapping boys such as yourself must woo her.

-Andrew: Oh. -Butler: And woo her well.

Andrew: Woo her? Oh, this'll be easy.

Baxter: We are great with old ladies.

Mrs. Gulliver, I love those rings.

You really know how to dress.

Andrew: Yeah, you have a style

that most would not be able to pull off.

Gulliver: I would like some tea.

Baxter: Oh, tea.

Butler: She would like some tea, mother.

-Andrew: Okay. -Baxter: Oh, do you want sugar?

-Gulliver: No. -Butler: She said yes.

-Andrew: She said yes? -Gulliver: No.

-Butler: She said yes. -Baxter: She's saying no.

-Gulliver: No. -Butler: No, she's saying yes.

-Andrew: Okay. -Baxter: Okay.

Milk? -Gulliver: No.

Butler: Yes. She's saying yes.

-Baxter: She's saying no. -Butler: No, she's saying yes.

-Gulliver: No. -Baxter: There we go.

-Andrew: Ooh. -Baxter: Stir?

-Gulliver: No. -Butler: No, don't stir.

Baxter: Okay. So that one's a no.

-Andrew: It's in the tone? -Baxter: Okay.

Andrew: A beautiful cup of tea for a beautiful woman.

-Gulliver: [ Slurps ]

Andrew: Oh, my God. This is taking forever.

Baxter: Honestly, I feel like she's died

and come back to life twice in the last 10 minutes.

Andrew: Uh, Mrs. Gulliver, how much are you looking

to sell the property for?

Do you have a figure in mind?

Butler: $75 billion.

Andrew: $75 billion.

Uh...okay.

Well, we can work with...

Baxter: I think that's a little high.

Butler: Oh.

Ah, $17,000.

Andrew: Okay.

You know what is great about those figures

is I think we could probably meet somewhere in the middle

and be really successful.

-Butler: Strong branch. -Gulliver: [ Screams ]

Butler: Mother, Mother, Mother, Mother, Mother.

??

Shoshua: Help me! Help me!

I'm scared. I'm horny. I'm scared.

-Victoria: I know.

Chelsea: Victoria's client, Shoshua,

is still creeping us out.

And up we go, and here we are,

your own private rooftop terrace.

Isn't it stunning? -Shoshua: Oh, my gosh.

Victoria: Oh, Chelsea, this is great, right?

-Shoshua: This is cool.

-Chelsea: Yeah. -Victoria: I love it.

Shoshua: Mm. This is fantastic.

Chelsea: Yeah, I think it's actually really streamlined.

It's my favorite space. -Shoshua: You know what?

I have a confession to make with you guys.

I feel like I haven't been honest.

-Victoria: No? -Shoshua: No.

I feel like maybe I've been kind of joking around

about something I'm very serious about.

And that's having sex with both of you.

Chelsea: [ Gags ]

People I'd have sex with before Shoshua --

all of the people.

Shoshua: In my experience, if I persist...

-Victoria: Okay, no, no. -Shoshua: ...and I persist...

and I persist, I get what I want.

Chelsea: Let's just all go back inside.

Shoshua: This hand's gonna distract you,

and this hand's gonna grab that beautiful titty.

Victoria: [ Gasps ]

Victoria: Oh, my God. My commission!

[ Both screaming ]

??

[ Ragtime music plays ]

-Andrew: This is fun. -Butler: Yeah.

-Andrew: This is nice. -Baxter: This is very nice.

Meanwhile, on Sunset Boulevard,

Norman Desmond is drooling all over my Gucci blazer.

Butler: She's the most popular girl

on the dance floor, yeah.

Butler: Here, get your arms out.

Baxter: I'm trying. I'm trying.

Butler: Ooh, look at you, the belle of the ball.

There you go. -Andrew: Oh, gosh.

Oh, man. She is light on her feet.

Butler: As though she were some kind of magic -- Okay.

Yeah, yeah. Here we go. -Andrew: I got her.

I got her. She's good. -Butler: Okay.

Got her? And now who's next?

Who's next? She's light as a feather.

Andrew: Does she have a hole on her back?

There was a hole in --

Butler: Yeah, that's an access port, yeah.

Baxter: I think she can't breathe. Help her up.

Andrew: I feel like we find ourselves

in this situation way too often.

-Baxter: Where's the what? -Butler: Yeah, yeah.

Oh, look who comes out.

And look who comes out. -Baxter: She's having babies?

-Butler: Your daughters! -Baxter: No.

Butler: Oh, your daughters.

Baxter: These are our daughters?

Butler: Yeah. Yeah.

Everyone, take them to your breasts.

Andrew: That's very beautiful.

Butler: Oh, what a happy family.

What a happy family.

Andrew: Hi, crazy grip.

-Butler: Yeah, yeah. -Andrew: That's interesting.

Oh, look at us.

Baxter: Okay.

??

Amir: It's time to take Glenn to the next level.

And the caterpillar sprouts wings.

Glenn. -Glenn: Uh-huh.

Amir: Do you know why I brought you here?

Glenn: Uh, let me guess.

You brought me here because I looked so hungry today.

Amir: I brought you here because I think that you're

a piece of garbage.

-Glenn: What? -Amir: I think you're a piece

of garbage that needs to be molded

and can be molded into one of the best real estate agents

that our agency has ever had.

Glenn: Really?

Amir: I want to be your mentor, Glenn.

-Glenn: Are you serious? -Amir: I'm serious.

-Glenn: Wow. -Amir: Yeah.

Glenn: I don't know what to say. I'm so touched.

I mean... -Amir: Don't say anything.

Glenn: [ Laughing ] Oh, wow. This is like Christmas,

my birthday, and Casimir Pulaski Day

all rolled into one.

-Amir: Put that on. -Glenn: Okay.

-Amir: Yeah. -Glenn: Go on backwards.

Amir: It's not only the hottest necklace you've ever worn.

It's also a shock collar.

Glenn: Okay.

Amir: Oh, unless you don't want me to be your mentor.

Glenn: No, no. No, are you kidding? No.

Amir: Listen to me.

Every time you say something wrong...

Every time you say something

that's against the bechieve code,

you get a little shock.

It's not like a crazy shock. It's just like a, unh,

a little reminder.

Glenn: Oh, okay. Great. All right.

So I'm looking forward to that.

Amir: Are you looking forward to it?

Glenn: Yeah, I am.

Amir: Never look forward to anything, Glenn.

Glenn: Ooh, that's not a little shock.

Amir: Look backwards

because someone's gonna come up behind you

and stab you in the fucking ass.

Now, let's try to make-bechieve

what it would be like to walk me through...

-Glenn: Okay. -Amir: ...an open house.

Glenn: Okay. This is great.

-Amir: Great. -Glenn: Yeah, I love role play.

-Amir: Let's go. -Glenn: Okay.

Hey. Welcome to this house.

Amir: Oh, hi. Thanks for having me.

Glenn: Yeah. This is one of the best listings

that we have to offer.

[ Electricity crackles ]

Amir: What do you want them to think?

That everyone else gets a shitty listing?

-Glenn: No, no. -Amir: Is that

what you want them to think?

Everyone gets the best of Platner!

Glenn: Okay, okay. Uh, hi. Um, this is one of --

this is one of the many listings that we have that are awesome.

-Amir: Great. -Glenn: And, obviously,

9,300 square feet is nothing the sneeze at.

[ Electricity crackles ]

Amir: I'm sorry.

They don't want to hear about sneezing.

Amir: It's okay. You're getting it.

You're getting it. It takes a little bit.

Glenn: Living room, kitchen, uh, dining room.

Amir: Yeah, okay.

[ Electricity crackles ]

Yeah. That's good. Okay.

You never want to show that you're bored.

Oh.

Damn it, it's stuck. It's stuck.

No, Glenn. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be punishing you.

Damn it.

It's not...

Glenn: Aaaaaah!

Ohhhhh.

Ahh.

Glenn: I 100% bechieve that Amir has the best intentions for me.

Beautiful view.

[ Chuckles ]

Great place to have lunch.

I can't wait to get my pants wet on a client.

Everything good over here?

??

[ Victoria and Chelsea screaming ]

Victoria: I'm out of here! I'm out of here!

Chelsea: No, you can't leave! Get your ass back here!

You're in this shit.

As a listing agent, I'm liable

for whatever happens on this property,

like vandalism, theft, accidental deaths.

Victoria: Okay, what do you want to do?

Chelsea: Just drag him and dig a hole

and just bury him and then plant some flowers

and just do a planted -- a tomato garden

and just be like, "This is a feature of the property now."

Victoria: Fuck this. If I'm gonna get my hands dirty,

I'm gonna get paid for it.

Technically, this is your listing.

I'm not really gonna make money off this house.

I feel like if I'm gonna help you do this,

I should probably get at least half of the commission.

Chelsea: I'll give you 30%.

Victoria: 40%.

Chelsea: 35%.

-Victoria: Deal. -Chelsea: All right.

Shoshua: Oh, whoa.

Victoria: He's moving! He's moving! It's slipping!

He's slipping. -Chelsea: Oh, God.

Oh, shit.

Victoria: I found it. Okay, okay.

Should we do some kind of prayers?

-Chelsea: Are you religious? -Victoria: No, I thought

you were though because you, like,

you have the African earrings and the...

Chelsea: What? What are you doing right now?

You think I'm religious because of African earrings?

Victoria: Look, I'm just saying that we should probably

say a prayer, okay,

so at least his soul can move on.

Chelsea: Okay.

Victoria: Dear, uh...

uh, Jesus, please take him with you.

Maybe keep him away from other women

while he's up there.

Chelsea: You know, it's weird to see Victoria worship

something other than money.

Victoria: Here's the thing, we're gonna have to

chop him up into little pieces.

And it's gonna get messy. It's gonna get dirty.

Chelsea: Yeah. Wait, wait, wait.

What if he's not dead? -Victoria: What?

Chelsea: We didn't check his pulse?

Victoria: You didn't check his pulse?

Chelsea: No, I didn't check it. I didn't know that was my job.

Victoria: Of course that's your job.

-Chelsea: Well, how? -Victoria: Just check it.

-Chelsea: All right. All right. -Victoria: It's fine.

If he's dead, you're not gonna feel anything.

Shoshua: [ Gasps ]

[ Both scream ]

Chelsea: Oh! What'd you do?

Victoria: Sorry.

??

Butler: After much consideration,

has decided to allow you to sell her home...

Baxter: Yes. Andrew: Magic.

Baxter: Great. Butler: ...if you will complete

one round of Turkish wrestling.

And whoever is the victor will be the salesperson of this home.

Andrew: Okay.

I'm not not gonna get the sale.

Baxter: Oh, my God.

Andrew: Oh, we've wrestled

for a lot less than half a million in commish.

-Baxter: Jesus. -Butler: Oh, no, no, slow, slow.

This is part of it.

Andrew: Oh, my God.

I hope to win this match in your honor.

Butler: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Andrew: Turkish wrestling, uh, tradition.

Baxter: I hope to win this in your honor.

And then I suck it?

Butler: Yeah.

Gulliver: [ Purrs ]

-Andrew: Game on. -Butler: Yeah!

-Baxter: No, no. -Butler: Yeah, okay.

Baxter: That was -- That was illegal.

Butler: Grab his grundle!

Grab his grundle!

Thrash at his wat-nuts!

Oh, no! Yeah, yeah!

Got it! Got it, oh!

Oh, wedgie! Dominate his truth!

Yeah! Turkish! Turkish! Turkish!

Yeah!

Homeowner: What the hell are you doing in my house?

Baxter: Huh? Butler: Come on, Bernice,

let's go, let's go! -Gulliver: Jesus.

Butler: You, get out of our way.

-Gulliver: Fuck you guys! -Butler: Suck it!

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, my God, baby, that was so hot!

Baxter: She's not even old, and he's not even a butler!

Andrew: [ Sighs ] How could you tell that?

??

Glenn: Uh, this is the, uh,

just an outdoor kind of place, uh...

I don't know if you'd call it an atrium or, you know...

Mentor Client: Yeah, it's beautiful.

Glenn: Yeah. I'm excited for my first client

under Amir's system, but I'm also a little nervous.

I think if I just follow the three-point system

and bechieve, I'll be fine.

Mentor Client: So what are the school systems like?

Glenn: Uh, it's all white people.

[ Electricity crackles ]

Uh, it's all rich people.

Mentor Client: Um, what are the neighbors like?

Because we don't like talking to our neighbors.

Glenn: Oh, they're -- they're, uh...

they're just mountain people.

[ Electricity crackles ] Mentor Client: Mountain people?

That's gonna be a problem. -Glenn: Oh, yeah.

Mentor Client: What's the water filtration for the gardens?

Mentor Client: I see that there is grass.

Glenn: Well, the ocean's pretty much, uh, like, really big,

so you just go scoop up stuff from the ocean

and, uh, walk it up or, uh...

bring it up, and there's a... -Mentor Client: What?

Glenn: You know, I could show you the potty right now.

Mentor Client: The potty?

-Glenn: The swimming potty. -Mentor Client: What?

Glenn: I'm sorry, the hot -- the hot -- the hot potty.

Mentor Client: The hot potty? Glenn: No, that -- that, no.

You're a potty hotty. Mentor Client: Potty?

Glenn: You're a hotty. You go -- you go to the potty.

You're a hotty that goes to the potty.

Mentor Client: Are you asking me if I need to use the restroom?

Glenn: No, you're -- God! God!

Come on, Glenn! Bechieve it!

You have to bechieve it! -Mentor Client: I...

-Glenn: Just bechieve it!

Mentor Client: This is amazing for parties.

[ Electricity crackles ]

Glenn: Aaaaaah!

Amir: So, uh, what are you thinking?

What is your, uh, vibe?

Mentor Client: Um, I'm just gonna step over here.

I thought the view was really nice.

Amir: 360 views, really, you're gonna love it.

I was able to save the deal despite Glenn.

I'm very disappointed.

I guess that's what happens when you help people.

Lesson learned.

Press that button until I get back.

[ Electricity crackles ]

??

Shoshua: [ Sighs ]

Oh.

Chelsea: Mm.

-Shoshua: Wow. -Chelsea: Hey.

-Shoshua: [ Laughs ] -Victoria: Morning.

Shoshua: Guess I just woke up from some sex, huh?

-Chelsea: Yeah. -Victoria: Yeah, great.

Shoshua: I don't remember much for some reason.

Chelsea: Oh, you don't remember?

Shoshua: No, I'm just kind of sore and, you know, after-horny,

so I know something good happened.

-Victoria: Yeah, it was good. -Chelsea: Oh, so good.

Shoshua: Yeah, I'm glad you guys came around.

Aren't you, now? -Chelsea: Yeah.

We were being stupid bitches before.

Shoshua: I didn't want to say it, but yeah.

Victoria: Yeah.

-Chelsea: Yeah. -Shoshua: Ah.

Chelsea: So we decided to try the old

"fake a three-way to cover up an attempted murder" trick.

Victoria: Real estate 101.

Chelsea: Oh, man, I could just live in this moment forever,

but... -Shoshua: Mm-hmm.

Chelsea: I got to -- I have a... Victoria: We have to...

-Chelsea: Oh. -Shoshua: Wow.

Victoria: This guy is like a sex zombie.

You hit him in the head with a shovel,

and he still wants to fuck.

Shoshua: You promise I didn't scream my sister's name?

Chelsea: Oh. [ Laughs ]

Victoria: No, you didn't scream anything.

Shoshua: I'd be so embarrassed if that happened again.

It is beautiful here. And you know what?

I had a lovely day. -Chelsea: Aw.

Shoshua: Thank you both so much, really. Really.

Chelsea: Thank you.

Shoshua: And I want to buy this house.

-Chelsea: Oh, really? -Victoria: That's great.

Shoshua: I want to live here for the rest of my life.

Chelsea: Congratulations!

Shoshua: You guys sold the house.

-Chelsea: All right! -Shoshua: Yeah!

Chelsea: Hey. Shoshua: Yeah!

Victoria: Oh!

Victoria: [ Sighs ] He missed the pool.

Chelsea: Yeah. That's just, like, all concrete.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0