Original subtitles

??

AGGRESSIVELY IGNORING BAXTER, AS USUAL.

WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, I HEAR CHELSEA

START FIDGETING IN THE KITCHEN.

Chelsea: OH.

UGH!

Baxter: OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!

THIS LOOKS LIKE IT'S GONNA BE GOOD.

??

Chelsea: OH, OW!

[ LAUGHTER ]

Victoria: OKAY, WHO AM I, WHO AM I?

"OH! OH!"

Baxter: "OW!"

Victoria: THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING

I'VE EVER SEEN, AND I'VE SEEN EVERY ADAM SANDLER FILM --

EVEN THE ONES ON NETFLIX.

Baxter: "AAH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

??

[ LAUGHTER ]

Baxter: IT'S...

WHO AM I, WHO AM I, WHO AM I? "OH!"

Andrew: BAXTER LAUGHING WITH VICTORIA?

BUT WE HATE VICTORIA.

DO I WANT THAT LAUGHTER WITH HIM?

YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

I'M NOT JEALOUS OF IT,

I JUST WANT TO BE IN HER PLACE,

AND IT'S KILLING ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

-Baxter: SHE'S SO STUPID. -Andrew: WHAT DID SHE --

WHAT DID SHE DO?

-Baxter: YOU JUST MISSED IT. -Andrew: WHAT DID SHE DO?

Baxter: CHELSEA DID THE DUMBEST THING.

Chelsea: OW!

Victoria: MOVE OVER, GRUMPY CAT,

'CAUSE HERE COMES THE CHELSEA.

OH. OH!

Baxter: "OH!"

Chelsea: OH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

Victoria: THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING

THAT'S EVER HAPPENED.

Baxter: HER EARRING, IT'S...

Andrew: HER EARRING IS STUPID?

-Victoria: NO! -Baxter: NO! NO!

-Victoria: WE'RE TELLING THE STORY. -Baxter: IT GOT CAUGHT.

-Victoria: YEAH. -Baxter: OH, OW!

Andrew: OH.

[ LAUGHTER STOPS ABRUPTLY ]

-Victoria: HEY, CHELSEA. -Andrew: HEY.

Chelsea: YEAH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Victoria: THAT WAS HER!

Baxter: THAT WAS HER, LIKE TWO MINUTES AFTER.

Victoria: SORRY, ANDREW.

GUESS YOU CAN'T SHARE EVERYTHING WITH BAXTER.

HEY, ANDREW, CAN YOU GET ME SOME COFFEE?

Andrew: YEAH.

Victoria: MAKE SURE NOT TO "OW!"

-Baxter: YOU'RE REALLY GOOD. -Victoria: THANK YOU.

IT'S UNCANNY.

??

Amir: I'M GONNA SHOW A NEW CLIENT, MR. HOROWITZ,

A HOUSE IN THE PACIFIC PALISADES.

THAT'S RIGHT, HOROWITZ.

YEAH, THIS GUY'S GOT MONEY.

WHAT, I CAN SAY THAT -- I'M JEWISH.

MY FAVORITE PART OF THE HOUSE, THE VIEW.

CHECK THAT OUT.

I'M PRETTY SURE THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR,

-MR. HOROWITZ. -Horowitz: YES, DR. HOROWITZ.

Amir: DR. HOROWITZ. RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

Horowitz: I'M A DENTIST FROM RESEDA.

-Amir: YOU'RE A DENTIST? -Horowitz: YES.

Jota: AND I'M THE HYGIENIST.

Amir: OH, OKAY.

I WANT TO PUT YOU IN THIS HOUSE TODAY.

SO YOU TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO TO GET THIS DEAL DONE.

Horowitz: WELL, WE JUST HAVE TO LOOK OVER A FEW THINGS.

-Amir: YEAH. -Horowitz: AND --

Jota: [ SPEAKS SPANISH ]

Horowitz: YES, DO YOU HAVE TUNNEL SPACE?

LET ME MAKE SOME TUNNELS?

Amir: LIKE, YOU WANT TO DO LIKE A WINE CELLAR TYPE THING?

Horowitz: I'D LIKE TO GO FROM MY HOT TUB TO THE CAR

WITHOUT GOING THROUGH THE HOUSE.

Amir: THERE'S A TOTALLY FINISHED BASEMENT,

THERE'S LIKE A WINE CELLAR AREA.

-Jota: S�. -Horowitz: SPEAKING OF WINES,

IS THIS TILE GOOD TO WASH RED -- BLOOD WINE.

Jota: WE SPILL LOTS OF WINES, SO...

Amir: OH, YOU SPILL LOTS OF WINE?

WELL, GRANITE IS ACTUALLY KNOWN FOR NOT BEING POROUS AT ALL,

SO IT'S REALLY EASY TO CLEAN.

NO ONE'S GONNA KNOW THAT ANY WINE WAS SPILLED, TRUST ME.

-Jota: OKAY. -Horowitz: VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD.

Amir: YEAH, CAN I ASK A PERSONAL QUESTION?

WHAT'S WITH THE GUNS? YOU GUYS ARE...

Horowitz: OH, YEAH. UH, MY OFFICE IS NEXT TO PLANNED PARENTHOOD.

Amir: OH.

Horowitz: AND SO WE HAVE TO HAVE PROTECTIONS.

Amir: I GET IT. IT'S TOUGH TIMES TO BE A DENTIST.

TIME TO DRILL THIS DEAL HOME. GET IT?

DRILL -- THAT WAS A DENTAL PUN.

SO, LISTEN, $10 MILLION HOUSE.

IN THIS MARKET, THAT'S A GREAT RATE.

ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS PUT 20% DOWN.

-I GOT A GREAT GUY. -Horowitz: SO $200,000?

-Amir: IT'S ACTUALLY $2 MILLION. -Jota: MUCHACHOS!

-Horowitz: iVAMOS, VAMOS! -Amir: WOW.

OKAY, ARE THESE GUYS ALSO DENTISTS?

Jota: THEY ARE SOME HYGIENISTS.

Horowitz: THESE GUYS WORK IN THE OFFICE WITH ME.

-SO HERE'S THE MONEY. -Jota: OH!

-Horowitz: OH, EXCUSE THAT. -Jota: OOPS!

-OUR TOOLS. -Horowitz: THAT'S TOOLS.

THAT'S PART OF THE... TO GET THE WHITENING.

-Amir: THAT WAS AN UZI. -Horowitz: $2 MILLION?

-Jota: $2 MILLIONS. -Horowitz: TAKE THE CASES.

Amir: ALL RIGHT!

JUST LOOKING AT THOSE CASES MAKES MY NIPPLES HARD.

Amir: UH, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE IT TO THE BANK.

BUT, YEAH, I CAN -- I CAN DO THIS.

Horowitz: HERE YOU GO. PUT THIS IN THERE.

-Amir: IS THAT LIKE A GIFT OR... -Horowitz: WELL,

YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT TO TAKE CARE OF THIS MONEY.

Amir: THAT'S HOT.

WHY IS THIS SO HOT?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET INSIDE.

YOU GUYS PRACTICE IN THE VALLEY OR...

Horowitz: IS THIS COCA LEAVES?

Amir: NO, IT'S -- IT'S A PALM TREE.

Horowitz: IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

Amir: I'M REALLY STARTING TO WONDER

IF THIS GUY'S EVEN JEWISH.

??

Chelsea: DEAN SHOULD MAKE ME PARTNER BECAUSE I'M RESOURCEFUL.

I FOUND MY NEW CLIENT, ART,

ON A DIVORCED MEN'S REDDIT THREAD.

NOT BAD FOR $11 MILLION, RIGHT?

-Art: WOW, THIS IS FANTASTIC! -Chelsea: YEAH.

Art: THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING.

Chelsea: ART'S WIFE OF 20 YEARS JUST

LEFT HIM LAST WEEK, SO HE'S LOOKING FOR A NEW HOME.

POOR ART. POOR SAD, WEALTHY, IMPULSIVE ART.

-Art: NEW HORIZONS! -Chelsea: YES, INDEED.

-Art: NEW VISTAS. -Chelsea: UH-HUH.

Art: HEY, L.A., I'M READY TO MINGLE!

Chelsea: THERE YOU GO!

Art: I'M GLAD WE COULDN'T HAVE KIDS.

NOW THAT I'M HERE, I'M GLAD ABOUT THAT.

Chelsea: WE'VE GOT THIS CUSTOM GARAGE DOOR.

Art: THAT IS REALLY NICE.

I MEAN, IT'S A LOT BETTER THAN SLEEPING

IN THE GARAGE, WHICH I'VE DONE.

BUT THIS IS -- THIS IS NICE.

IT'S SLEEK, IT'S MODERN.

I MEAN, THERE'S ALL KINDS OF...

PLACES TO GET NASTY ON.

Chelsea: YOU CAN HAVE A SEAT. YOU CAN TRY OUT SOME OF THESE...

-Art: SURE. -Chelsea: ...NASTY SPOTS.

Art: LET ME GIVE THIS A TRY.

AH, YEAH! THIS IS NICE.

Chelsea: LET ME TAKE A PICTURE OF THIS, MAN.

Art: OKAY. OH, DO, YEAH, THAT WILL BE GREAT!

-BYE, DEBBIE. -Chelsea: ONE, TWO, THREE.

-Art: BYE, DEBBIE. -Chelsea: THERE WE GO.

Art: BYE, DEBBIE.

-Chelsea: ARE YOU CRYING? -Art: NO, NO, NO!

Chelsea: LOOK AT THIS SKYLIGHT.

EVERY DAY, THE DAWN WILL GREET YOU.

Art: YEAH. DEBBIE WOULD HATE THAT.

SHE LIKES TO SLEEP IN A TOMB.

Chelsea: SHE SOUNDS LIKE A CORPSE.

Art: HA. NO, SHE'S A VERY LIVELY PERSON.

IT'S...

IT'S OUR MARRIAGE THAT'S DEAD.

[ CRYING ]

Chelsea: HEY.

Art: LET'S CHECK OUT THE SHITTER.

NICE THAT YOU TOUCHED ME.

??

Glenn: DEAN GAVE ME AN ORDER TO SPY ON THE BROKERS,

AND I'VE BEEN DOING MY BEST TO COMPLETE HIS MISSION.

Dean: GLENN, I NEED YOU TO BE

MY EYES AND EARS AMONG THEM.

Glenn: DEAN, THE BROKERS IN THE OFFICE

HAVE BEEN TREATING ME PRETTY POORLY LATELY.

-Dean: IS THAT SO? -Glenn: YEAH.

Dean: GIVE ME THREE EXAMPLES.

Glenn: VICTORIA GRABBED MY SCROTUM

AND SHOVED ME AGAINST THE WALL.

Dean: YOU NEVER SAID, "I'M TOO FAR FROM THE WALL.

GET ME THERE AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE"?

Glenn: NO.

Dean: NO WORDS THAT COULD BE INTERPRETED THAT WAY?

-Glenn: NO, I -- -Dean: EXAMPLE NUMBER TWO.

Glenn: VICTORIA CALLED ME BEN,

AND THEN SHE GRABBED MY SCROTUM AND SHOVED ME AGAINST THE WALL.

Dean: NOW, THIS IS THE SECOND TIME INVOLVING VICTORIA?

Glenn: YES.

Dean: SECOND TIME INVOLVING A SCROTAL GRAB.

Glenn: WELL, THOSE ARE THE ONES THAT POP INTO MY HEAD

-IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE -- -Dean: IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.

Glenn: YEAH, IT'S A VISCERAL EXPERIENCE.

-Dean: THIRD EXAMPLE? -Glenn: IF I COULD

CLUMP THEM ALL TOGETHER AT SOME POINT,

EVERYONE HAS CALLED ME A DIRTY NAME

OR ROLLED THEIR EYES EXTREMELY AT ME.

Dean: GIVE ME FOUR EXAMPLES OF DIRTY NAMES.

Glenn: PISS-BOMB, SLOP-EATER,

LITTLE PIG BOY, ASS-TO-MOUTH PRINCE.

Dean: THERE IS THE SUGGESTION OF NOBILITY.

THEY'RE NOT CALLING YOU ASS-TO-MOUTH PAUPER.

Glenn: THEY DON'T RESPECT ME.

AND I WANT TO LET THEM KNOW

THAT I HAVE A CERTAIN POWER OVER THEM, BUT I CANNOT.

Dean: GLENN, YOUR MISSION IS VERY CLEAR.

WHAT YOU WANT IS TO GET TO THE POINT WHERE THEY'RE SAYING

TO YOUR FACE, "YOU'RE A SPINELESS COWARD

AND WE CAN SAY WHATEVER WE WANT TO YOU."

Glenn: WELL, THEY SAY, YOU KNOW,

"GLENN, WHEN YOUR LUNCH BREAK

IS COMING UP, YOU SHOULD GO TO THE POTTY

BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE YOUR LUNCH IS.

WE'VE LEFT YOUR LUNCH IN THE POTTY."

Dean: IS POTTY SLANG FOR BATHROOM?

Glenn: YES, IT'S A TOILET.

-Dean: TOILET. -Glenn: THAT'S THEIR THING,

IS THAT I EAT AND DRINK OUT OF THE TOILET.

Dean: YOU UNDERSTAND, I HAVE TO ASK YOU, IS THAT TRUE?

Glenn: NO, I'VE NEVER EATEN OUT OF THE TOILET.

Dean: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

Glenn: ONE TIME, I WASHED MY HANDS IN THE TOILET

BECAUSE THE WATER WAS BROKEN IN MY APARTMENT.

Dean: WELL, NEEDS MUST AS THE DEVIL DRIVES.

I'VE PUT MY HANDS IN WORSE PLACES.

-Glenn: SUCH AS? -Dean: I'VE HAD MY HANDS

INSIDE A HUMAN BODY.

-VERY UNPLEASANT THING. -Glenn: IT WASN'T FOR PLEASURE?

Dean: THERE WERE PLEASURABLE ASPECTS TO IT,

BUT IT WASN'T MY MOTIVATION.

MY MOTIVATION WAS TO KEEP A MAN ALIVE, AND I FAILED.

Glenn: I'M SO SORRY, DEAN.

Dean: NO, DON'T BE. I ABSORBED HIS SPIRIT.

NOW, THESE HIDEOUS THINGS THEY SAY TO YOU,

AS HORRIBLE OR ACCURATE

AS THEY MAY BE, YOU USE IT,

AND YOU SAY, "OH, YOU CALL ME ASS-TO-MOUTH PRINCE,

I WILL KEEP A SPECIAL EYE ON YOU FOR DEAN."

FEEL ALL OF THE HATRED THAT THEY ARE DIRECTING YOUR WAY.

-FEEL IT IN YOUR SOUL. -Glenn: I DO. IT HURTS A LOT.

Dean: PERFECT.

-YOU BE THAT SLOP-EATER. -Glenn: YES.

Dean: YOU BE THAT LITTLE PIGGY BOY.

-Glenn: I'M A PIGGY BOY. -Dean: YOU'RE A POTTY EATER.

Glenn: I'M YOUR LITTLE SECRET POTTY EATER.

Dean: YOU ARE THE POTTY EATER.

Glenn: OKAY, I CAN DO THIS FOR YOU, DEAN.

I'M GOING TO BRING MY MEALS FROM HOME,

AND I WILL PUT THEM IN THE POTTY, AND I'LL EAT THEM.

Dean: BUT I DON'T THINK IT WOULD BE GOOD

FOR THE REST OF THE OFFICE TO SEE YOU

LITERALLY EATING OUT OF THE TOILET.

Glenn: I'LL CLOSE THE STALL. THEY WON'T HAVE TO SEE IT.

Dean: WILL YOU MAKE EATING SOUNDS?

-Glenn: IT COULD BE RAMEN. -Dean: RAMEN, I THINK,

MIGHT BE THE WORST CHOICE YOU COULD MAKE.

Glenn: I GET A BUTANE TORCH, AND I'LL HEAT UP THE POTTY RAMEN.

Dean: GLENN, I'M GOING TO ASK YOU NOT TO EAT

OUT OF THE TOILET.

Glenn: I WASN'T REALLY GOING TO EAT OUT OF THE TOILET.

??

Andrew: SO, WE GOT AN ANGRY CALL FROM A CLIENT,

AND VICTORIA IS TO BLAME.

Baxter: YEAH, WELL, VICTORIA FUCKED US!

Andrew: YEAH, SHE FUCKED US, BUT NOT IN A GOOD WAY, OVER A DEAL.

-Baxter: WE ASK ONE THING. -Andrew: ONE THING.

Baxter: AND SHE BUILDS CONDOS ON THE LOT.

Andrew: YOU CAN'T LIE TO US LIKE THAT.

Baxter: KIM SAID SHE WANTED THE HOUSE INTACT.

Andrew: THE FAMILY SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED IT.

IT WAS PART OF THE SALE.

Baxter: NOW WE LOOK LIKE ASSHOLES.

Andrew: THIS IS HUGE FALLOUT.

-Baxter: LET'S TALK TO HER. -Victoria: IT'S JUST CONDOS.

-GET OVER IT! -Baxter: OH, MY GOSH!

Andrew: OH, MY GOD. JUST CONDOS?!

WE AGREED IT WOULDN'T BE.

Baxter: WE HAD LUNCH. YOU SIGNED AN AGREEMENT

THAT NOTHING WOULD BE BUILT ON THAT LOT.

Victoria: THAT DOESN'T COUNT.

Andrew: IT COUNTS. IT'LL COUNT IN COURT.

Victoria: OH, I'M SO THREATENED. COME ON.

Baxter: WHAT DO YOU THINK AGREEMENTS ARE?

Victoria: IT'S JUST CONDOS. TELL HER TO GET OVER IT.

Baxter: SHE CALLED US, CRYING, OKAY?

SHE'S NOT GETTING OVER IT, ALL RIGHT?

Victoria: WHEN SHE WAS CRYING,

DID IT SOUND LIKE THIS...

[ CRYING ]

Chelsea: OW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Baxter: YOU DID NOT!

IT'S STILL SO FUNNY.

-YEAH, IT SOUNDED LIKE... -Victoria: IT SOUNDED LIKE THAT?

Baxter: AND I WAS LIKE, "WHO ARE YOU?"

AND I PULLED OFF HER MASK, IT WAS CHELSEA.

-Victoria: IT WAS. -Andrew: LET'S GO.

COME ON, BAXTER.

IT'S STILL NOT FUNNY.

FOCUS, BAXTER. BAXTER!

CONDOS.

-Baxter: OH, MY GOSH! -Andrew: GAME'S OVER.

Baxter: THAT'S FUNNY. "OW!"

I'M CHELSEA.

Victoria: DO YOU WANT A SNICKERS?

-Andrew: SURE. -Baxter: DO YOU HAVE SNICKERS?

-Victoria: YEAH, COME IN. -Baxter: OH, MY GOSH, YES.

Andrew: LIKE, BAX, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS RIGHT NOW.

Baxter: OH, MY GOSH. THAT IS SO...

-Victoria: RIGHT? -Baxter: ...SO FUNNY.

Victoria: THAT HAD TO BE THE WORST MOMENT OF HER LIFE.

Baxter: I KNOW, SHE'S HUMILIATED.

Andrew: CALL BAXTER.

Baxter: HOLD ON. Hello?

-Andrew: BAXY PADS. -BAXTER: What's up, dude?

Andrew: UM, CAN YOU LET ME IN?

VICTORIA: Hey, Baxter, Baxter.

-Oh! -BAXTER: Oh!

[ Laughter ]

OH, THAT WAS GOOD. THAT WAS, "OW!"

Victoria: IT'S LIKE, EVERY TIME.

??

Chelsea: SO, ART, WE'VE GOT A LOT OF INDUSTRIAL ELEMENTS

TO HELP YOU REALLY TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE.

Chelsea: IN A FORCEFUL WAY, RIGHT?

I AM THIS CLOSE TO MAKING THE SALE.

IF ART CAN JUST SUCK IT UP

AND BE A MAN LONG ENOUGH TO SIGN THE PAPERWORK.

-LOOK AT THIS EXPANSIVE CEILING. -Art: OH!

Chelsea: HOW DO YOU FEEL IN HERE?

Art: I FEEL LIKE THE SKY'S THE LIMIT. I REALLY DO.

Chelsea: YEAH. THAT'S IT.

-Art: OH, THESE ARE NICE. -Chelsea: YEAH.

Art: ARE THEY LIKE SOME KIND OF SEX CHAIR THING, 'CAUSE,

I MEAN, THIS PLACE REALLY SEEMS LIKE A FUCK PAD.

Chelsea: THEY COULD BE ANYTHING YOU WANT, MAN.

Art: ARE THERE INSTRUCTIONS THAT THEY COME WITH?

-Chelsea: NO, I -- -Art: 'CAUSE I WOULDN'T KNOW

HOW TO FIGURE THIS OUT. AND I'VE PROBABLY HAVE TO, LIKE,

PUT A SAW HORSE UNDER THEM OR SOMETHING.

Chelsea: SO WE GOT A LOT OF DIFFERENT AREAS

-FOR ENTERTAINING. -Art: YEAH.

Chelsea: BREAKFAST NOOK, FULL KITCHEN.

Art: DEBBIE LOVED TO COOK.

Chelsea: WHAT DOES ART LIKE TO COOK?

Art: WHATEVER DEBBIE DECIDES.

Chelsea: IF ART KEEPS LOSING HIS SHIT,

I'M GONNA LOSE THIS COMMISSION.

IT'S TIME FOR ME TO BUILD HIM UP!

ART, NO -- ART, DON'T YOU DARE LAY DOWN.

ART, GET OFF THAT COUCH.

Art: I DON'T WANT TO GET OFF THIS COUCH.

Chelsea: ART, THAT LOOKS LIKE A BABY BED.

-Art: NO! -Chelsea: GET UP.

Art: THIS IS THE ONLY PIECE OF FURNITURE

THAT'S AN ACTUAL PIECE OF FURNITURE IN THE WHOLE PLACE.

Chelsea: ART, YOU DON'T NEED FURNITURE 'CAUSE YOU'RE A GOD.

YOU SIT ON GODDAMN CLOUDS!

-SIT ON THIS CLOUD. -Art: I DON'T SIT ON CLOUDS.

-Chelsea: SIT ON THIS CLOUD! -Art: I WANT TO TALK TO DEBBIE!

Chelsea: ART, YOU BETTER NOT!

THIS KITTY CAT REPRESENTS THE NEW YOU.

HE'S FIERCE, HE'S --

HE'S ON THE PROWL, BUT HE'S NOT TOO THREATENING.

HE'S GOT HIS MOUTH OPEN.

IS IT A SMILE, IS IT A GROWL?

YOU'LL NEVER KNOW, HOT DENNY'S WAITRESS.

Art: OH. I'M NO CHROME KITTY.

-I'M NO CHROME KITTY. -Chelsea: YOU'RE A CHROME KITTY!

-Art: I'M NOT. -Chelsea: YOU ARE.

AND THIS IS DEBBIE, SHE'S AN OLD, SAD SKULL.

-Art: GIVE ME DEBBIE. -Chelsea: I DON'T HAVE ANY SKIN.

Art: GIVE ME DEBBIE.

IT FEELS LIKE DEBBIE.

DEBBIE HAS A VERY LARGE HEAD, VERY THIN HAIR.

THIS IS VERY SIMILAR.

-I'M GONNA CALL HER. -Chelsea: DON'T YOU DARE!

Art: I AM GONNA CALL DEBBIE NOW.

-Chelsea: GIVE ME THIS! -Art: DEBBIE? DEBBIE?!

-Chelsea: I'LL TAKE IT. DEBBIE?! -DEBBIE: Hello?

-Chelsea: DEBBIE, HI. -DEBBIE: Who is this?

-Art? -Chelsea: THIS IS CHELSEA.

-I AM ART'S REALTOR. -Debbie: REALTOR?

Chelsea: THAT'S RIGHT, I'M HELPING --

DEBBIE: What's going on here? Put Art on the phone.

Chelsea: YEAH, YOU CAN TALK TO HIM.

Art: HEY, DEBBIE, IT'S ME.

DEBBIE: Art, are you buying property?

Art: YES! I'M LOOKING FOR A HOUSE.

DEBBIE: Why on earth are you buying a house?

Art: BECAUSE YOU LEFT ME, DEBBIE!

Art: YOU WENT TO LIVE WITH YOUR SISTER?

DEBBIE: Live with my sister?

-Are you insane? -Art: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

DEBBIE: I told you last month I was going to visit her.

You thought I was divorcing you?

Art: NO, I DIDN'T REMEMBER YOU SAID IT.

DEBBIE: Don't be ridiculous, Art!

Art: YOU WERE GONNA GO SEE HER.

DEBBIE: Oh, my God, this is so typical.

??

Amir: TECHNICALLY, DR. HOROWITZ SHOULDN'T BE MOVING

INTO THE HOUSE BEFORE ESCROW.

BUT WHEN SOMEONE HANDS ME $2 MILLION,

THEY CAN MOVE INTO MY BUTT

AND USE MY MOUTH AS A GUEST HOUSE.

SO, HERE IS THE FULLY DRAFTED CONTRACT, DR. HOROWITZ, AND I --

I GOT EVERYTHING IN HERE THAT YOU ASKED FOR. I GOT THE --

Trent: WHAT THE HELL IS -- WAIT! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

-WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! -Amir: HEY, HEY, HEY!

-DOCTOR, NO! DOCTOR! -Trent: NO!

-Trent: I'M THE LISTING AGENT! -Amir: iESTA BIEN! iESTA BIEN!

ESTA BIEN.

-Horowitz: OKAY. -Amir: LISTEN!

Trent: EVERYONE, CHILL.

EVERYONE CHILL THE FUCK OUT!

Amir: TRENT LIKES TO FOLLOW THE RULES.

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE'S GONNA HANDLE DR. HOROWITZ.

Trent: CAN I ASK WHAT YOU'RE A DOCTOR IN?

Horowitz: I'M A DENTIST... IN RESEDA.

Jota: AND WE'RE HIS HYGIENISTS.

Horowitz: ARE WE GOING TO BUY THIS HOME TODAY?

Trent: WELL, I DON'T KNOW THAT WE CAN DO THAT, OKAY?

SIR, YOU BROKE IN HERE AND YOUR HYGIENISTS HAVE GUNS.

Horowitz: PIN HIM DOWN BY HIS SHOULDERS!

Trent: NO, NO!

Horowitz: YOU SAY THIS PLACE IS IN ESCROW?

Trent: WELL, IT -- IT HAS TO BE.

Horowitz: I'M GONNA ESCROW YOUR TEETH OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!

Trent: OH, NO, NO! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

-Horowitz: DO WE HAVE A DEAL?! -Trent: BLACK AND BROWN!

BLACK AND BROWN! COME ON, WE CAN UNITE.

Horowitz: OKAY. WE DON'T NEED TO HURT YOU.

-Trent: YEAH. -Horowitz: BECAUSE WE KIDNAPPED

YOUR WIFE AND WE'RE PREPARED TO KILL HER.

Trent: WAIT, WHAT?! NO, YOU DIDN'T!

Amir: SHE DID NOTHING WRONG!

Trent: NO! NO! NO, NINA!

THAT'S MY BEAUTIFUL WHITE WIFE!

NO, PLEASE!

Amir: SO, IT TURNS OUT THAT KIDNAPPING

IS A SUPER-EFFECTIVE WAY TO CLOSE A DEAL.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THIS!

Trent: I'VE SOLD OUT MY BLACK COMMUNITY

FOR A LONG TIME TO GET THAT WHITE WIFE.

PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T DO ANYTHING.

Horowitz: EVERYBODY IS INDIVIDUAL.

YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN DOWN BY OUR OWN HERITAGE.

Trent: I KNOW, BUT MY RACE IS REALLY TOUGH ON US.

Horowitz: AND ME, I'M MEXICAN.

Amir: YEAH, I'M LIKE, IRANIAN, GUYS.

Trent: OH, I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT YOU ARE.

Amir: MY FAMILY IS FROM IRAN.

Jota: I THOUGHT YOU WERE PERSIAN.

Amir: WELL, THE EMPIRE WAS PERSIAN, BUT --

Horowitz: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, MAN, ISIS?

Jota: HOLD IT, YOU'RE ISIS?!

-Amir: NO, NO! -Jota: TALIBAN!

-Trent: ISIS! -Amir: I AM NOT ISIS OR TALIBAN!

-Jota: ISIL! -Amir: NO! iESTA BIEN!

OFF! ALLAHU AKBAR!

ALLAHU! ALLAHU AKBAR!

ALLAHU AKBAR!

OKAY, I DON'T LIKE TO PULL THAT MOVE TOO OFTEN,

BUT SOMETIMES IT COMES IN HANDY.

??

Baxter: DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES DURING SEX?

Victoria: I MEAN, IT DEPENDS ON WHO I'M HAVING SEX WITH.

-IF HE'S UGLY. DO YOU? -Baxter: THAT MAKES SENSE.

Victoria: WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE GETTING IT FROM THE BACK,

SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK.

BAXTER AND I HAVE BASICALLY BECOME BESTIES

SINCE WE WITNESSED THE CHELSEA.

Andrew: VICTORIA CAN HAVE BAXTER!

THAT'S FINE. I DON'T NEED HIM ANYMORE.

BECAUSE I GOT A NEW BROTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER!

-Glenn: WHAT UP, MY HOMEYS? -Andrew: OW!

POP IT!

NO, UH, SLAP IT.

-ON THE TOP. -Glenn: HUH?

-Victoria: SHORTENED BANGS. -Baxter: REALLY?

Andrew: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I INTRODUCE TO YOU THE PICKLE BROS.

Baxter: THAT'S NOT WHAT YOUR HAT SAYS.

YOU JUST SAID THE PICKLE BROS.

Victoria: YOUR HAT SAYS PICKLE JUICE BROS.

Andrew: IT'S THE SAME -- YEAH, IT'S THE SAME THING.

-IT A SHORTER WAY TO SAY -- -Victoria: WELL,

NO, THERE'S PICKLES AND THEN THERE'S PICKLE JUICE.

Andrew: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I INTRODUCE TO YOU

-THE PICKLE JUICE BROS. -Victoria: NO.

Glenn: WE'RE THE PICKLE JUICE BROS.

-Andrew: YEAH. -Baxter: AND?

Andrew: TELL THEM THE STORY, GLENN.

GO AHEAD, THIS IS HILARIOUS.

GET READY, SIT BACK, BE OUR AUDIENCE.

Glenn: WE WENT TO THE FRIDGE,

AND THERE WAS A JAR OF PICKLES WITH NO PICKLES IN IT.

-IT WAS JUST THE JUICE. -Andrew: JESUS CHRIST, GLENN.

-Glenn: WHAT? WHAT? -Andrew: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Victoria: IS THAT THE WHOLE STORY?

Andrew: NO, IT'S NOT THE WHOLE STORY -- RELAX.

-Glenn: OH, I GOT IT. I GOT IT. -Andrew: NO.

Glenn: WE WERE HUNGRY FOR PICKLES.

AND THERE WERE NO PICKLES IN THE JAR.

-IT WAS JUST THE JUICE. -Victoria: WHY IS THIS FUNNY?

Andrew: FIRST OF ALL -- OKAY, YOU GUYS ASKED US.

WE HAPPEN TO BE HANGING OUT HERE.

-SO MAYBE YOU NEED TO -- -Victoria: NO, NO, NO,

YOU PARADED IN HERE WITH YOUR HATS.

-Andrew: PARADED? THAT'S RACIST. -Victoria: YEAH.

Andrew: LISTEN, IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS

WHERE YOU HAD TO BE THERE, YOU KNOW?

YOU HAD TO BE IN THE SITUATION.

-Victoria: THIS IS EMBARRASSING. -Baxter: YEAH.

THIS IS LIKE SEEING YOUR DAD ON TINDER.

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW WE MATCH, BUT WE DID.

Andrew: TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED WITH CHELSEA.

Victoria: WE TOLD YOU WHAT HAPPENED WITH CHELSEA.

Andrew: LET ME INTO THE CHELSEA GROUP.

Baxter: IT WAS THIS. "OW!"

Andrew: YEAH, I KNOW, AND IT'S HILARIOUS --

IT'S HILARIOUS, BUT SOMEHOW I DON'T --

-Victoria: IT'S HILARIOUS. -Andrew: YOU CAN --

YOU CAN LEAVE.

UH, LIKE, IS IT CAUGHT ON HER HAIR, OR --

-Victoria: I JUST FEEL LIKE -- -Andrew: 'CAUSE I CAN DO IT.

Victoria: I FEEL LIKE WE'VE ATTEMPTED SO MANY TIMES

TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU. Andrew: I KNOW, BUT --

Victoria: AND YOU DON'T GET IT.

Baxter: SHE JUST WENT "OW!" IT WAS LIKE A HAND MOTION.

-Victoria: YEAH, YEAH. -Andrew: WHO WAS SHE CALLING?

Victoria: I'M SORRY, NO, YOU'RE NOT IN THE GROUP.

AND YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE.

AND I'M SORRY. YOU HAD TO BE THERE.

MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD BE THERE

WHEN THE EMBARRASSING THING HAPPENS.

Andrew: I JUST THINK IT'S STUPID, THOUGH,

BECAUSE IT'S SUCH AN EASY THING TO DESCRIBE.

-OH. -Victoria: I'M CHOKING.

-Andrew: YOU LOOK LIKE -- -Victoria: I'M CHOKING.

Baxter: SHE'S CHOKING. OH!

-OH, MY GOD! -Andrew: FEED ME, MOMMY.

-ARF! -Victoria: OH, MY GOD!

Andrew: WERE YOU JUST FEEDING BABY BIRDS?

-Victoria: NO, I -- -Baxter: YEAH,

IT WAS LIKE, "MAMA'S HERE!"

Victoria: HEY, YOU GUYS, I ALMOST JUST DIED!

I ALMOST CHOKED TO DEATH!

Baxter: UH-OH, UH-OH!

Victoria: ALL RIGHT!

WOULD YOU GUYS HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS SO FUNNY IF I DIED?

Glenn: WE WOULD HAVE SHARED THAT.

Andrew: IMAGINE THAT!

THAT WAS VERY, VERY STUPID LOOKING.

-Baxter: THAT WAS SO FUNNY. -Victoria: OKAY, VERY FUNNY.

-Glenn: THAT WAS GREAT. -Victoria: HEY, BAXTER?

REMEMBER THE...

Baxter: THAT'S OLD. DON'T DO OLD JOKES.

Andrew: PICKLE BROS. CLEAN UP.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS EVER HANGING OUT WITH HER.

THAT WAS CLOSE.

SHE SUCKS!

-WE'RE BACK. -Andrew: WE'RE BACK.

Glenn: SOMEONE MADE QUITE A MESS.

Victoria: YOU NEED TO FUCK OFF.

NOW.

NO! ALL THE WAY.

-Glenn: I'M FUCKING OFF. -Victoria: NO.

AND TAKE OFF THAT STUPID HAT!

I CAN STILL SEE YOU.

-GET OUT NOW! -Glenn: I'M FUCKED OFF.

Victoria: NO! THAT'S IT!

GO! COME HERE! COME HERE! COME HERE!

??

Horowitz: SORRY ABOUT THE MIX-UP EARLIER.

I WAS -- I WAS NOT AWARE THAT THERE WERE TWO AGENTS

-INVOLVED IN BUYING A HOUSE. -Amir: THAT'S TOTALLY FINE.

I'M SORRY I PRETENDED TO BE A SUICIDE BOMBER.

Horowitz: WELL, YOU HAD TO DO WHAT YOU HAD TO DO, EH?

Amir: ACTUALLY, IF YOU CAN PUT A REVIEW ON MY YELP PAGE.

Horowitz: ABSOLUTELY. WE WILL ALL DO THAT.

-Jota: YEAH, WE CAN. -Amir: YEAH, IF ALL FOUR OF YOU

CAN DO THAT, THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.

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