Original subtitles

??

Chelsea: LAST WEEK, DEAN REVEALED

AND NOW TODAY, HE'S CALLED ANOTHER MANDATORY MEETING.

Dean: AS YOU ALL HAVE SENSED,

THE PICTURES OF YOU ON OUR WEBSITE

ARE TERRIBLE, AND NO ONE LIKES THEM.

CHIEFLY, I DESPISE THEM.

Chelsea: OKAY, I GUESS IT'S POSSIBLE THAT THIS PHOTO

IS SOMEHOW CONNECTED TO THE PARTNERSHIP.

I DON'T KNOW.

Dean: SO I'VE REMEDIED THAT SITUATION BY HIRING JERRY.

[ APPLAUSE ]

Andrew: WHOO!

Dean: HERE IS A WORLD-FAMOUS PHOTOGRAPHER

THAT I MET DURING NEW YORK FASHION WEEK.

-Jerry: OH-HO. -Dean: WE WERE DRINKING ABSINTHE

IN A HOT-AIR BALLOON. -Jerry: AH.

Dean: WATCHING THEM ALL SCURRY ABOUT BELOW.

Amir: JERRY'S THE MOST IN-DEMAND PHOTOGRAPHER IN THE BUSINESS.

HIS PICTURES ARE LIKE AMERICAN APPAREL ADS

ON WHATEVER DRUG BILL COSBY HAD.

Dean: HIS CAREER BEGAN SPEEDING DOWN A STREET

TRYING TO CATCH PICTURES OF LADY DIANA.

Jerry: SHE WRECKED, AND I GOT THE PICTURES.

FROM THEN ON, I'VE BEEN TAKING PICTURES

OF THE LIVING AND THE DEAD FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER.

-Dean: SOMETIMES SIDE-BY-SIDE. -Jerry: OH, YEAH.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE WONDERING,

"JERRY, DO YOU HAVE PICTURES OF NICOLE BROWN SIMPSON

AND RON GOLDMAN?"

YES, I DO. HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?

NO, YOU HAVEN'T. WILL YOU SEE THEM?

YES, YOU WILL.

Victoria: WILL I GET TIRED OF THE RHETORICAL QUESTIONS

HE INSISTS ON ANSWERING HIMSELF?

YES, I WILL.

Dean: JERRY AND HIS ASSISTANT, CASSANDRA,

WILL BE TAKING PHOTOS OF YOU THAT WILL BE

THE BEST PHOTOS OF YOU THAT EVER WILL EXIST.

TREAT THIS MOMENT WITH THE REVERENCE IT DESERVES.

-Dean: JERRY, YOUR SUBJECTS. -Jerry: THANK YOU, DEAN.

[ LAUGHS ] WHAT A PILE OF SHIT THAT GUY IS, RIGHT?

??

Jerry: ALL RIGHT, SHIT-HEADS, THIS IS HOW THIS IS GONNA WORK.

YOU'RE GONNA SUBMIT TO ME

AND MY ASSISTANT, CASSANDRA,

AND I'M GONNA TAKE PICTURES OF YOU

THAT ARE GONNA MAKE YOUR DICKS HARD AND YOUR PUSSIES WET.

HOW DOES THAT FEEL? QUESTIONS? GO.

NOT YOU. ANYBODY ELSE.

THIS GUY IN THE BACK'S FREAKING ME OUT

BECAUSE I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT ALL, MAN.

Cassandra: IT'S LIKE HE'S BLENDING INTO THE CORNER.

Jerry: IT'S LIKE A WHITE GUY ON A WHITE WALL.

I SHOULD TAKE THAT PICTURE OF YOU, MAN.

YOU'RE MY FAVORITE.

Amir: I COULD GO BY THE BLUE WALL.

Jerry: GET OUT OF HERE. GO. GUY.

Andrew: COULD YOU WALK ME JUST THROUGH

THE WARM-UP OR WHATEVER SO I CAN STAY OUT OF YOUR WAY?

Jerry: YOU'RE GONNA GET UP THERE.

I'M GONNA USE MY CAMERA DICK TO TAKE PICTURES OF YOU.

-Andrew: YOUR WHAT? -Jerry: I SAID MY CAMERA DICK.

-YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH IT? -Andrew: NO.

-Jerry: YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT. -Andrew: I ASSUME I WILL.

Jerry: IT'S BIG AND BLACK AND TAKES GREAT PICS.

Andrew: HEY, WE'RE GOOD.

I'M VERY FRIGHTENED OF JERRY.

Baxter: YEAH, THIS DUDE SEEMS CRAZY.

Cassandra: THERE WE GO. THAT'S NICE.

-THERE WE GO. -Jerry: THAT'S GOOD. MMM! MMM!

Cassandra: DOES ANYBODY ELSE NEED SOMETHING TO RELAX?

Victoria: WHAT EXACTLY IS CASSIE'S ROLE

IN THIS WHOLE THING?

Jerry: PHOTOGRAPHER'S ASSISTANT.

Cassandra: THAT'S RIGHT.

Jerry: ANYTHING ELSE THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

-Cassandra: RECRUITING. -Jerry: ALL RIGHT.

ANY LAST QUESTIONS?

-Chelsea: I LIKE THIS. -Jerry: NOT FROM YOU.

??

Andrew: WE'RE SHOWING A HOUSE TO OUR FRIEND FROM COLLEGE --

DIRK ST. HANCOCK.

Baxter: YEAH, DUMB NAME. GREAT GUY, THOUGH.

Andrew: WE WERE IN AN A CAPPELLA GROUP TOGETHER.

I'M NOT SURE WHY WE DRIFTED APART.

Baxter: DIRK IS SUPER-RICH.

UH, HE INHERITED ALL OF SPENCER'S GIFTS STORES.

Dirk: SO GOOD TO SEE YOU GUYS AGAIN, MAN!

-GIVE ME SOME. -Andrew: OW!

-Dirk: GOOD TO SEE YOU GUYS. -Andrew: YOU ARE STRONG!

Dirk: OH, MY GOD, ONE MORE HUG.

ONE MORE HUG. STILL HUGGING.

IT'S NOT A HUG UNLESS NIPPLES ARE TOUCHING.

Baxter: THAT'S TRUE. IT'S NIPPLES ON NIPPLES.

Andrew: I FEEL LIKE YOU LOOK YOUNGER.

-Dirk: HUH? -Andrew: YOU LOOK YOUNGER --

Baxter: YEAH, YOU DO LOOK YOUNGER.

THAT COME BY IN THE MORNING WHILE I'M STILL ASLEEP

AND IT'S AWESOME AND THEY --

Baxter: CONGRATULATIONS ON ALL THE SPENCER'S GIFTS, BY THE WAY.

Andrew: THAT'S A LOT OF SPENCER'S GIFTS.

Dirk: YOU INHERIT IT FROM YOUR DEAD FATHER,

AND YOU SPEND ABOUT SIX MINUTES BEING BUMMED OUT ABOUT THAT.

AND THEN YOU TAKE THE MONEY AND YOU RUN.

YOU GUYS, THIS IS REALLY WORKING OUT FOR YOU, HUH?

ARE YOU MAKING A LOT OF MONEY?

Both: UH...

Andrew: DOES THIS ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?

-SOMETIMES. -Baxter: UH, YES.

Andrew: DIRK IS THE BEST. I LOVE THAT GUY.

Baxter: HE IS SO GREAT.

Dirk: OH, THESE ACOUSTICS ARE SWINGING IN HERE.

Dirk: I LIKE THAT ? DOO-DOO-DOO ?

Andrew: ? DOO-PA-DOO-DOO ?

Dirk: ? DOO-PA-DOO-DOO ?

-? DOO-PA-DOO-DOO ? -Andrew: ? SHE HAD ?

? SHE HAD, MY LADY, SHE HAD ?

? SHE HAD MY LADY ?

? BA-DA-PA-DA-DOO, BUT THEN I LOST HER ?

-Baxter: WE USED TO KILL IT. -Dirk: WE STILL GOT IT.

Andrew: YOU GOT IT.

Baxter: THANK GOD WE HAD SOME OTHER SINGERS.

Dirk: YOU WERE ALWAYS RIGHT ON KEY.

YOU WERE ALWAYS JUST A LITTLE BIT OFF-KEY.

YOU WOULD GET IT ONCE IN A WHILE.

SO FUCKING GOOD TO SEE YOU GUYS AGAIN, BUD.

Andrew: OW!

I THINK IT WAS JUST THE ACOUSTICS IN THAT KITCHEN.

Andrew: YEAH, I THINK IT WAS THE ACOUSTICS.

??

Victoria: DEAN SWEARS JERRY'S A LEGEND.

I ASSUME HE MEANS AT DOING DRUGS AND AMASSING LAWSUITS.

Jerry: [ INHALES DEEPLY ]

Victoria: DOES THAT AFFECT THE CAMERA, OR...

Jerry: I HAVE TO CHANGE THE SETTINGS BASED ON SMELL.

THEY'RE NOT JUST GONNA SEE YOU.

THEY'RE GONNA SMELL YOU. [ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]

Victoria: LIKE A SCRATCH-AND-SNIFF, OR --

Jerry: YOU'RE A CAT. KITTY CAT.

-Victoria: RAWR. -Jerry: JUNGLE CAT.

-Victoria: [ HISSES ] -Jerry: YEAH. [ LAUGHS ]

-THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT? -Cassandra: THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

-Jerry: YOU'RE NOT SEXY, THOUGH. -Victoria: OH, OKAY.

Jerry: YOU'RE NOT SEXY. YOU'RE A THREAT.

YOU'RE THE CAT

THAT KILLED THE DAD IN "THE LION KING."

Victoria: THIS GUY IS INSANE,

BUT IF IT'LL GET ME THE PARTNERSHIP,

I'LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.

Jerry: YOU'RE A CORPSE. GO.

HERE WE GO. OH, YEAH.

BEAUTIFUL.

BEAUTIFUL! COME ON!

COME ON! YOU'RE NOT DYING! YOU'RE DEAD! DEAD!

Victoria: HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN DEAD?

Jerry: YOU'RE DEAD SIX WEEKS.

YOU'RE NOT IN THE GROUND YET.

THEY'RE KEEPING YOU IN A DRAWER IN THE MORGUE

BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED.

OH, YOU'RE A CORPSE ON A TV SHOW.

THEY'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU,

BUT THE GUY THAT WORKS ON THE FISH MARKET

WON'T GIVE UP THAT HE SAW YOU THAT NIGHT.

-OH, YEAH. -Cassandra: WAIT, JERRY,

LET ME JUST CHECK YOUR HAIR REAL QUICK.

Jerry: YEAH, HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

HOLD ON. HOLD ON. LET'S DO THIS.

Victoria: CASSANDRA, HOW DOES MY HAIR LOOK?

-Cassandra: I DON'T CARE. -Jerry: Shh, shh, shh, shh.

-YOU'RE DEAD. -Victoria: OKAY.

Jerry: WHY WON'T SHE STAY DEAD?

DO WE HAVE ANYTHING TO GIVE HER

TO KILL HER FOR LIKE A MINUTE?

Cassandra: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, FOR SURE.

Victoria: NO, I CAN PLAY IT. LISTEN.

Jerry: WE CAN O.D. YOU...

Victoria: NO, NO, NO. I DON'T NEED IT.

Jerry: ...AND THEN GIVE YOU A SHOT IN THE HEART.

Victoria: I DON'T NEED IT. WHAT?!

YEAH, THIS IS GETTING REALLY CREEPY.

CASSANDRA'S FANNY PACK IS LIKE A MARY POPPINS BAG FOR PILLS.

Jerry: COME ON. LICK THE LENS.

YEAH. THIS IS GOOD.

Victoria: BUT YOU'RE NOT TAKING ANY PICTURES.

Jerry: NO, IT'S HARD TO FOCUS. I JUST LIKE THIS.

YEAH.

-OH, YOU DIRTY LITTLE GIRL. -Victoria: OKAY.

WELL, NOW WE'RE NOT EVEN USING THE CAMERA.

Jerry: YOU LIKE THAT?

Victoria: DOES CASSANDRA STAY HERE FOR THIS?

Jerry: IT WAS ABOUT TAKING A PICTURE.

WE'RE DONE.

??

Amir: I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT OPEN HOUSE TODAY

AND CAN'T AFFORD FOR ANYTHING TO GO WRONG.

FORTUNATELY, OPEN HOUSES ARE MY SPECIALTY,

MUCH LIKE SUITS AND MUSIC ARE PITBULL'S SPECIALTY.

THERE'S A HOMELESS PERSON SQUATTING IN MY OPEN HOUSE?

WHAT THE HELL?!

HEY! HEY!

-Woman: WHAT IS IT? -Amir: WHAT THE FUCK?!

-Woman: WHAT? -Amir: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Woman: HUH? WHAT? NOBODY'S IN HERE.

Amir: I HAVE AN OPEN HOUSE IN 15 MINUTES.

YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

SHE SMELLS LIKE A SHIT FUCKED AN EGG-SALAD SANDWICH.

THAT SAID, THIS GIVES ME AN IDEA.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

Amir: YOU WANT TO MAKE SOME MONEY?

-Woman: YEAH, OF COURSE I DO. -Amir: OKAY.

I COULD USE YOU TO MESS UP MY COMPETITORS' OPEN HOUSES.

THE NIGHT BEFORE THE OPEN HOUSE, AND YOU STAY THERE.

RESPECTABLE PEOPLE ARE GONNA COME IN.

THEY'RE GONNA SEE YOU. THEY'RE GONNA SMELL YOU.

Woman: COME ON. I'M NOT THAT...

MUCH OF A MONSTER.

Amir: SHE IS EXACTLY THAT MUCH OF A MONSTER.

Woman: I CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

I CAN CALL PEOPLE THE N-WORD.

-Amir: NO. -Woman: I CAN -- NO?

-Amir: WELL, MAYBE. -Woman: I MEAN,

HEY, HOW BADLY DO YOU WANT THIS?

Amir: MM, I DO MILLION-DOLLAR NEGOTIATIONS

BEFORE BREAKFAST ON SUNDAY.

I THINK I CAN HANDLE HOLLY HOBO AND HER BAG OF PISS CANS.

I NEED TO BE REALLY CLEAR ON THIS.

Woman: WHAT?

Amir: I DON'T WANT YOU TO KILL ANYBODY.

Woman: DON'T WANT ME TO KILL ANYBODY.

YOU WANT ME TO KILL A CERTAIN SOMEBODY.

-I CAN DO THAT. I CAN DO THAT. -Amir: NO, I DON'T --

Woman: BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I WAS A MARINE.

Amir: THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE. DON'T KILL ANYBODY.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I'LL GIVE YOU 40 BUCKS

IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO KILL ANYBODY.

Woman: $50.

I WANT TWO OF THOSE BURRITOS

FROM 7-ELEVEN THAT ARE CALLED "DA BOMB."

AND THEN I WANT A GENUINE HUG FROM YOU.

Amir: HA.

-OKAY. -Woman: YEAH?

Amir: I'LL GIVE YOU $60.

YOU CAN GO BUY THE BURRITO YOURSELF.

-NO HUG. -Woman: $60.

YOU HAVE TO KISS ME ON MY LIPS.

Amir: THAT'S MORE THAN A HUG.

Woman: $1, FIVE KISSES, A 30-SECOND GENUINE HUG.

FIVE KISSES. ONE.

MM, TWO.

THREE, FOUR.

FIVE.

THEN A 30-SECOND GENUINE HUG.

WE DO "MISSISSIPPI" WHERE I COME FROM.

Amir: OH, FUCK.

Woman: ONE MISSISSIPPI,

-YOU HAVE TO SPEED IT UP. -Woman: I'M COUNTING.

THREE MISSISSIPPI...

Amir: OHH.

Woman: ...FOUR MISSISS-- OH, YEAH.

Amir: OKAY. OKAY.

-Woman: EIGHT MISSISSIPPI. -Amir: I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.

OHH! YOU GOT TO LEAVE.

YOU GOT TO LEAVE. YOU GOT TO GO. IT'S DONE.

-DONE, DONE. NO DEAL. NO DEAL. -Woman: OKAY.

Amir: KEEP THE MONEY. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

-Woman: OKAY. -Amir: GO. GO.

-Woman: YOU OKAY? -Amir: [ SPITS ] OH, MY GOD!

Woman: OH, DON'T SPIT ON MY TREASURE!

QUIT SPITTING ON MY TREASURE! GET OUT OF HERE!

GET OUT OF HERE, YOU STREET RAT! GET OUT OF HERE!

Amir: IT COST 8 GRAND TO GET THE PISS STAINS OUT OF THAT CARPET.

GOD, I HOPE THAT WAS PISS.

??

Baxter: WELL, WE ARE STILL TRYING

TO SELL THIS HOUSE TO OUR "FRIEND" DIRK.

Andrew: YEAH, I FORGET HOW MUCH HE LIKES TO JOKE AROUND. UH...

Dirk: I LOVE YOUR LOOK, MAN. NOT ALL THE GUYS CAN PULL OFF

A LESBIAN ICE-SKATER HAIRCUT, BUT YOU CAN.

AND THE PANTS. BOLD.

Baxter: WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY PANTS?

-Andrew: THEY ARE KIND OF TIGHT. -Baxter: HUH?

Dirk: THIS IS GOOD. THIS IS GOOD, TOO.

A LITTLE -- A LITTLE THIN. I GIVE THAT FOUR YEARS.

Andrew: HEY, I'M NOT GOING BALD, AM I?

Baxter: NO. NO, YOU JUST HAVE AN AGGRESSIVE FOREHEAD.

Andrew: THANK YOU.

Dirk: SO, WHAT'S NEW? YOU GUYS JUST MAKING IT WORK, HUH?

Andrew: WE'RE NO DIRK ST. HANCOCK...

Baxter: NO DIRK ST. HANCOCK.

Andrew: ...BUT WE'RE DOING WHAT WE CAN.

? DOING WHAT WE ?

Together: ? CAN ?

? WE'RE DOING WHAT WE CAN ?

Dirk: ? SHARP, FLAT ?

-Andrew: ? NAILED IT ? -Baxter: ? NAILED IT ?

Dirk: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SPEAKING OF NAILING, I GOT TO GO TAKE A GIANT SHIT.

DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHERE THE COMMODE IS?

Baxter: YEAH, RIGHT DOWN THERE.

Dirk: YEAH, I GOT TO DROP SOME HEAT.

I'LL SEE YOU GUYS IN A SECOND. I'LL FIND IT.

Baxter: ALL RIGHT. COOL.

DO I REALLY LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN ICE SKATER?

Andrew: MY HAIR'S THINNING? HE GAVE ME FOUR YEARS.

Baxter: NO, YOUR HAIR'S VERY THICK.

Andrew: WHAT, I'M GONNA BE DANNY DeVITO IN FOUR YEARS.

Baxter: WE'LL GET YOU PROPECIA.

YOU CAN FIX THAT. I CAN'T FIX --

Andrew: LESBIAN HAIR? ARE YOU THAT COMMITTED TO IT?

Baxter: I MEAN, WHAT, I GROW IT LONGER,

AND I JUST LOOK LIKE A REGULAR LADY?

A LADY OR A LESBIAN LADY? THOSE ARE MY TWO LOOKS?

Andrew: THEY'RE TWO GOOD LOOKS.

THAT'S BETTER THAN DANNY DeVITO.

Dirk: ? TAKIN' A BIG, OLD SHIT ?

Andrew and Baxter: ? TAKIN' A BIG, OLD SHIT ?

Dirk: ? TAKIN' A BIG, OLD SHIT ?

-Andrew: I DON'T KNOW -- -Baxter: ? BIG, OLD SHIT ?

Dirk: ? FLAT, FLAT ?

Baxter: WE WERE NOT FLAT.

Andrew: ? SOUNDED GOOD ?

Baxter: HE IS FLAT.

OH, YEAH. HOW DID WE FORGET?

DIRK IS AN ASSHOLE.

Andrew: WE'VE ALWAYS HATED THIS GUY.

-Baxter: HEY, DIRKY. -Andrew: HEY!

Dirk: WHAT'S UP? I'M TAKING THIS HOUSE.

Dirk: AND NOT JUST BECAUSE I THINK I BROKE THE SHITTER,

BUT I LOVE THIS PLACE.

AND ALSO, YOU GUYS COULD CERTAINLY USE THE MONEY.

-SO I'M DOING IT, TAKING IT. -Andrew: GREAT.

THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER. I'M GONNA GO CHECK OUT THE POOL.

-Andrew: ALL RIGHT. -Dirk: OH, SWEET!

LOTUS BLOSSOMS.

Baxter: HE'S ABOUT TO PEE IN THE POOL.

HE'S PEEING. DON'T PEE IN IT.

THANKS FOR THE SALE, DIRK.

-WE SHOULD CALL HIM. -Andrew: WE SHOULD. WE WILL.

??

Chelsea: I WANTED TO IMPRESS A VERY IMPORTANT POTENTIAL CLIENT,

SO I GOT US LUNCH AT THE MOST EXCLUSIVE RESTAURANT IN L.A.

IT WASN'T EASY. I HAD TO R.T. THE OWNER.

Glenn: HEY, CHELSEA.

Cassandra: UH, WHAT IS GLENN DOING HERE,

AND HOW DID HE EVEN GET INTO THE RESTAURANT?

OR ZIP CODE?

OH, I'M ACTUALLY WAITING FOR A CLIENT.

Glenn: OH, YEAH. UM, I AM YOUR CLIENT.

Chelsea: YOU SENT ME THE E-MAIL EARLIER?

Glenn: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, THAT WAS ME.

I'M YOUR CLIENT, AND I WANT TO SPEND

SOME QUALITY TIME TOGETHER WITH YOU TELLING ME

WHY I SHOULD BUY THIS BEAUTIFUL PROPERTY.

Chelsea: OKAY.

SO YOU'RE DJLIZARD@YAHOO.COM.

Chelsea: GREAT. I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED THAT WAS A FAKE PERSON.

PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE ELSE -- WHICH STEP IN THE TRANSITION

TO BECOMING A SERIAL KILLER IS THAT?

OKAY, GLENN, SO, YOU WANT TO BUY A HOUSE?

-Glenn: UH-HUH. -Chelsea: GREAT.

UH, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

Glenn: UM, I WANT A WIFE

WHO LOOKS GREAT IN, UM, SPARKLY, STRIPED SWEATERS

AND, UH, CRISP WHITE COLLARS...

Chelsea: OKAY. WELL, THANK YOU.

Glenn: ...AND, UH, LIKES TO MAKE LOVE IN THE MORNINGS.

Chelsea: OH, WELL, HEY.

LOOKS LIKE I'VE GOT ANOTHER STALKER.

WHAT DO YOU ENVISION

THAT THE HOME LOOKS LIKE FROM THE FRONT?

Glenn: SHE'S GOT HIGH CHEEKBONES.

-Chelsea: NOT THE PERSON. -Glenn: SOFT.

Chelsea: DON'T TALK ABOUT THE WOMAN.

Glenn: DARK OLIVE SKIN, LIKE KALAMATA OLIVES,

BUT WITHOUT THE PURPLE HUE TO IT.

-Chelsea: HOW MANY BATHROOMS? -Glenn: UM, WHO CARES?

JUST TO HOLD A SHIT IN.

Chelsea: BUT WHAT IF YOUR WIFE

NEEDS A PLACE TO PUT ON HER MAKEUP, DO HER HAIR?

Glenn: UH, I DON'T REALLY WANT TO THINK

ABOUT WHAT MY WIFE'S GONNA DO IN A BATHROOM.

Chelsea: YOU KNOW, THAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO A LOT OF WOMEN.

THAT'S KIND OF LIKE A SANCTUARY --

TO BE ABLE TO STAND IN FRONT OF A MIRROR

AND JUST KIND OF, LIKE, PRAISE ONESELF.

Glenn: OH, YEAH, WELL, I WANT HER

TO BE ABLE TO PRAISE HERSELF AND, YOU KNOW...

-Chelsea: GREAT. -Glenn: ...FEEL LOVE FROM ME

AS WELL AS INTERNALLY FROM HERSELF.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT HER B.M.s.

Chelsea: IT'S TIME TO END THIS LITTLE FANTASY.

GUYS LIKE GLENN DON'T GET TO DATE GIRLS LIKE ME

WITHOUT WINNING A CONTEST.

HEY, GLENN, I THINK I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

Chelsea: YOU KNOW, IF YOU LIKE SOMEONE,

THERE ARE A LOT OF WAYS TO TELL HER THAT,

OTHER THAN, YOU KNOW, CREATING A FAKE E-MAIL ACCOUNT

AND MAKING HER THINK THAT SHE'S GONNA MAKE A BIG SALE.

Glenn: I -- WHOA, THAT'S REALLY PRESUMPTUOUS.

I WAS NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU AT ALL, OKAY?

-Chelsea: OKAY. GREAT. -Glenn: YOU'RE DISGUSTING TO ME.

-Chelsea: OH. OKAY. -Glenn: YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

-YOU'RE GROSS TO ME. -Chelsea: SUITS ME FINE.

SO YOU DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON ME AT ALL?

-Glenn: NO. NOT AT ALL. NO. -Chelsea: NO.

I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU, OKAY? YOU'RE A COLLEAGUE.

Chelsea: WE'RE COLLEAGUES. WE CAN WORK TOGETHER.

Glenn: AND, UM, NO. I'M NOT --

OH, YEAH, I'M TOTALLY INTO HER.

??

Andrew: JERRY THE PHOTOGRAPHER'S METHODS

MAY NOT BE FOR EVERYONE.

Baxter: BUT, BOY, OH, BOY, THEY ARE FOR US.

-Jerry: COME ON, HORSY. -Baxter: ALL RIGHT.

-Jerry: YEAH. -Baxter: HERE WE GO!

Jerry: OOH, THIS IS GOOD. OH, THAT'S PERFECT.

THAT'S PERFECT.

-I LOVE THIS. -Baxter: LET'S KEEP GOING!

-GO FAST! -Jerry: OKAY.

-Baxter: GO FAST! -Jerry: OKAY.

THE RACE IS OVER, OKAY?

-Baxter: WE LOST. -Jerry: HE BROKE HIS LEG.

SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SHOOT THE HORSE. YOU READY?

Baxter: I NEVER WANTED TO DO THIS, SUGAR PUFF.

-SUGAR PUFF, I -- -Jerry: SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT!

-Baxter: SUGAR PUFF! -Jerry: SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT!

SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT!

Baxter: AAH! HE'S DEAD.

I ALWAYS KNEW ANDREW WAS A BOTTOM.

Andrew: AS A HORSE.

I MEAN, AS A HUMAN, I'D BE A TOP.

HORSE -- BOTTOM, HUMAN -- TOP.

Baxter: LIKE A CENTAUR.

Andrew: EXACTLY.

Jerry: ALL RIGHT. WELL, LET'S SEE.

WHY DON'T WE GET YOU ON YOUR KNEES

LOOKING RIGHT UP AT ME, ALL RIGHT?

Chelsea: JERRY IS INTIMIDATING

BUT I BET I KNOW HOW TO FIND HIS SOFT, HAIRY UNDERBELLY.

OH, MY GOD. [ CHUCKLES ]

THAT THING YOU DID WITH YOUR EYEBROWS WAS SO FUNNY.

WAIT, CAN YOU DO THAT AGAIN SO I CAN PUT IT ON INSTAGRAM?

-Jerry: WHAT? -Chelsea: YEAH, JUST LIKE THAT.

Jerry: ALL RIGHT, BUT LET'S GET BACK TO YOU, OKAY?

I WANT YOU ON YOUR BACK, LEGS IN THE AIR.

Chelsea: OH, MY GOD, THAT HAND MOVEMENT RIGHT THERE --

LIKE BRADLEY COOPER WHEN YOU DID THAT.

-DO IT ONE MORE TIME. -Jerry: COOP?

-Chelsea: THE COOP. -Jerry: HE'S A GOOD FRIEND.

Chelsea: YOU SHOULD STAND HERE. THE LIGHTING'S WAY BETTER.

YOU GUYS HAVE DONE A BEAUTIFUL JOB.

AND THEN WE'RE GETTING BACK TO YOU, OKAY, CHELSEA?

Chelsea: UM, NOW, WHY DON'T YOU TURN AROUND

AND STICK YOUR BUTT WAY OUT?

BUT LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER LIKE,

"WHO'S KNOCKING AT MY DOOR? A SUITOR?"

Jerry: BELIEVE ME, I THINK I KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.

Chelsea: OKAY. ALL RIGHT, PRO.

OKAY, AND THEN SHAKE YOUR BUTT SIDE-TO-SIDE,

BUT MORE UP THAN -- BUT MORE UP THAN DOWN.

Jerry: WAIT, ARE YOU TAKING A VIDEO?

Chelsea: OH, GOOD IDEA. NOW I WANT YOU TO,

UM, SHAKE YOUR -- SHAKE YOUR CURLY LOCKS.

STICK OUT YOUR TONGUE.

AND THEN I JUST WANT YOU TO, LIKE, RUB YOUR OWN ASS,

BUT IN A CIRCLE.

-AND THREE, TWO, ONE, SMILE! -Jerry: YEAH!

-Chelsea: OKAY. -Jerry: OHH.

Chelsea: I THINK WE GOT IT.

I'M GONNA SELL THESE TO DARKANDHAIRY. COM.

THAT'S A REAL FETISH SITE.

DO NOT SEARCH IT. TRUST ME.

Amir: [ CLAPS HANDS ] AMIR'S IN THE HOUSE.

-LET'S DO THIS. -Cassandra: OH, YEAH.

Amir: I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SHOOT WITH JERRY.

THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE.

Jerry: TELL HIM I WANT HIM TO BRING OVER,

LIKE, INDUSTRIAL-GRADE FIREWORKS TO THE APARTMENT TONIGHT.

Cassandra: OKAY. LIKE, A CASE OR SOMETHING?

Amir: SO EXCITED FOR THIS.

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ] Jerry: YOU'RE DONE. SCRAM.

CALL THOSE TWINS FROM LAST WEEK. WHAT WERE THEIR NAMES?

Cassandra: UH, REGINA AND RAGINA.

NO, GIVE ME REGINA BUT NOT RAGINA.

-Cassandra: OKAY. -Jerry: I WAS NOT A FAN OF HER.

??

Andrew: SO, WE GET A CALL FOR A POTENTIAL NEW LISTING

IN A SUPER-ELITE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Baxter: GEORGE CLOONEY'S WIFE'S COUSIN LIVES THERE.

OUR CLIENT BRENTYL'S HOUSE IS AMAZING.

AND IF WE CAN SELL IT, IT'LL HELP

OUR CHANCES OF BECOMING PARTNERS.

Brentyl: SO, THIS WOULD BE AN EXCELLENT PLACE

FOR SOMEBODY TO POST UP IN.

UH, LIKE I SAID, UM, THERE'S VARIOUS PARTS

AND THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST ONES I CAN THINK OF.

-Baxter: VARIOUS PARTS? -Brentyl: YEAH, YEAH.

SO, THERE'S THIS ROOM. I THINK THERE'S A ROOM UPSTAIRS.

THERE'S A ROOM, UH, RIGHT IN THE LEFT WING.

UM, I'M WILLING TO PART WITH ALL THOSE.

Baxter: WHAT?

WHY DON'T WE SELL THIS WHOLE HOUSE,

AND YOU JUST RENT A SMALLER HOUSE?

-'CAUSE WE CAN HELP YOU DO THAT. -Andrew: YEAH.

Brentyl: OKAY, JUST PAY ATTENTION TO THIS -- THIS THING.

-Baxter: OKAY. -Andrew: OKAY.

-THIS IS MY HOUSE. ALL RIGHT? -Baxter: MM-HMM.

-I DON'T NEED THIS WHOLE HOUSE. -Andrew: YEAH.

Brentyl: I WANT TO SELL PARTS OF THE HOUSE.

THOSE PEOPLE THAT BUY THAT PART OF THE HOUSE --

THEY CAN HAVE IT. IT'S THEIRS.

-NO. DONE. -Baxter: WAIT.

Brentyl: IF -- IF -- IF IT SOUNDS CRAZY TO YOU,

LET ME BREAK IT DOWN THIS WAY, OKAY?

IF I HAD A LIBRARY, RIGHT,

FULL OF BOOKS, ALL RIGHT, AND I SOLD YOU ONE BOOK,

IS IT CRAZY, HUH, IF I WANT TO KEEP THE REST OF MY BOOKS?

Baxter: NO, THAT WOULDN'T BE CRAZY IF YOU WANTED TO SELL A BOOK,

BUT IT WOULD BE CRAZY IF YOU SOLD A PIECE OF A BOOK

THAT YOU WERE CURRENTLY READING, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

Andrew: LIKE, IF YOU WERE LIKE, "I DON'T LIKE THIS CHAPTER.

Baxter: BECAUSE THE CHAPTER MAKES -- THE BOOK MAKES NO SENSE

IF YOU SELL CHAPTER 4 THROUGH 6.

Brentyl: BUT IF I'M DONE WITH THE BOOK,

WHY DON'T I GO AHEAD AND SELL IT?

Baxter: WELL, ARE YOU DONE WITH THIS WHOLE HOUSE?

-Brentyl: NO. -Baxter: OKAY.

THEN YOU'RE NOT DONE WITH THE BOOK.

YOU'VE STILL GOT THE END PART TO GO.

LIKE, DID HE MURDER HER?

I'M DONE TALKING ABOUT BOOKS.

I THINK THIS IS TOO COMPLICATED FOR US, ALL RIGHT?

Brentyl: I CAN SEE THAT, BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.

Baxter: NO, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TROUBLE

FINDING ANYONE TO DO THIS, JUST SO YOU KNOW.

Brentyl: REALLY? YOU REALLY THINK THAT?

Baxter: THANK YOU, BRENTYL. THE HOUSE WAS GREAT.

Dirk: OH, DUDES, DUDES. HEY, I SAW YOUR CARS OUT FRONT.

IS THIS YOUR PLACE? CAN I BUY YOUR BATHROOM?

I HAVE TO TAKE A SHIT.

Andrew: NO WAY!

-Brentyl: LET'S TALK NUMBERS. -Dirk: ALL RIGHT.

Brentyl: UM, 1.5?

Dirk: 1. 2.

Brentyl: BATHROOM'S RIGHT OVER HERE.

Dirk: THANK YOU. DEAL?

-Baxter: 1.2? -Andrew: $1.2 MILLION?

-Brentyl: THANK YOU SO MUCH. -Baxter: FOR THE BATHROOM?

Andrew: YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.

Dirk: ? TAKING A BIG, OLD SHIT ?

Andrew: DIRK, NO TOWELS.

Baxter: I LOVE DIRK. HE IS THE BEST.

Andrew: I HOPE HE SHITS FOREVER.

??

Andrew: DEAN'S ANNOUNCED THAT JERRY IS READY WITH OUR PICTURES.

Baxter: THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING.

Dean: WELL, MY FRIENDS, I AM THRILLED

FOR YOU TO SEE THE PRODUCTS OF JERRY'S LABOR.

Victoria: I AM TERRIFIED AT WHAT MY PICTURE'S GOING TO LOOK LIKE.

Amir: [ SIGHS ] THIS IS GONNA BE AWFUL.

Dean: BEHOLD!

Jerry: I THINK THIS IS SOME OF MY FINEST WORK.

I CAPTURED THE FILTHY ANIMALS THAT YOU ALL ARE.

WELCOME...

TO YOUR PORTRAITS.

-Baxter: WOW. -Victoria: I AM AMAZED.

Chelsea: I'VE NEVER LOOKED THAT GOOD.

Baxter: UNBELIEVABLE.

Victoria: JERRY, I'M SMILING.

Andrew: JERRY!

-Victoria: OH, MY GOD! -Andrew: THIS IS AWESOME!

Baxter: HOW DID YOU GET THIS?

Andrew: I WANT TO BUY FROM THIS GUY.

Dean: DO YOU SEE WHY I HIRED JERRY TO DO THIS?

HE HAS CAPTURED THE DIVINE SPARK OF HUMANITY

THAT RESIDES WITHIN EACH OF YOU

AND BROUGHT IT OUT TO YOUR WORLD.

-Baxter: OHH. -Victoria: I MEAN, REPLACE --

REPLACE MY FACE.

BECAUSE MY PHOTO PRACTICALLY SCREAMS, "PARTNER."

Jerry: I WILL LEAVE YOU WITH ONE FINAL PICTURE.

AS I MENTIONED TO DEAN EARLIER,

I'M REFUSING PAYMENT FOR THIS JOB.

-Victoria: OHH. -Baxter: WOW.

-Amir: ARE YOU SERIOUS? -Andrew: NO.

Jerry: ALL I ASK IN RETURN

IS THAT YOU POST A PICTURE OF ME ON YOUR HOMEPAGE.

-Amir: YES. -Chelsea: DONE.

-Jerry: HERE IS THAT PICTURE. -Amir: LET'S POST TWO.

Victoria: OH.

Baxter: ARE THOSE GRAY BALLS?

Amir: I'M PRETTY SURE THERE WAS COCAINE ON THEM.

Andrew: I'VE SEEN BIGGER IN THE MIRROR.

Baxter: YEAH, HE HAS A PHOTO

OF AN INSPIRATIONAL PENIS TAPED TO HIS MIRROR.

Andrew: I FOUND IT IN A MAGAZINE.

Dean: CAN I SEE THAT PICTURE?

WELL, CASSANDRA, OUR WORK HERE IS DONE.

-Dean: THANK YOU, MAESTRO. -Jerry: NAMASTE.

Cassandra: PLEASURE DOING DRUGS WITH ALL OF YOU.

Dean: GLENN, WHICH, UH, PHOTO

DID YOU SEND TO THE BUS STOP BENCH AD PEOPLE?

Glenn: UH, I SENT, UH, THAT PICTURE OF JERRY'S PENIS.

Dean: AND YOU DID LOOK AT IT AND NOTE

THAT IT WAS A PICTURE OF A MALE PENIS.

Glenn: DEAN, CLASSIC MISUNDERSTANDING.

??

Jerry: GORGEOUS.

THIS IS PERFECT. NOW GIVE ME A BIG SMILE.

-OH, YEAH! -Glenn: [ MUMBLES ]

Jerry: CASSIE, GET ME THAT EIFFEL TOWER.

-Glenn: NO. -Jerry: YEP.

-Glenn: NO. -Jerry: YEP.

LET'S MAKE THIS INTERESTING.

-YEP. YEP. -Glenn: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

Jerry: COME ON, GUY. COME ON. COME ON.

HEY! COME ON, YOU LITTLE RAT!

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