Original subtitles

BROADCASTER: We interrupt this program for a news exclusive.

This is Kathryn Morehead reporting live--

Oh, sorry.

--from Truman High School.

The details are still sketchy, but apparently just moments

ago, a local undercover unit from the Jump Street

program thwarted a near--

[thud]

Uh-- an apparent-- let's just call it an incident

involving Senator Phillips.

The Senator is safe.

Senator, where is he now?

KATHRYN: Here you see the Senator being whisked

away by Secret Service agents.

Again, the Senator is safe, though the details

are still hazy.

We do know that the Senator was here to speak to a PTA dinner

where student volunteers served as waiters, even

providing the entertainment, all in line

with the Senator's theme of community service,

when all hell broke loose.

And at this point, we don't know any more than that.

It does appear, however, that the Jump Street officers

interceded on the Senator's behalf

and may have saved his life.

We'll have a full report on the news at 11:00.

This is Kathryn Morehead for Action News.

[theme music]

THEME SONG: We never thought we'd

find a place where we belong.

Don't have to stand alone.

We'll never let you fall.

Don't need permission to decide what you believe.

Ooh!

I said jump down on Jump Street.

I said jump down on Jump Street.

Your friends will be there when your back is to the wall.

You'll find you'll need us 'cause

there's no one else to call.

When it was hopeless, that decision's what you need.

You'd be ready to--

be ready to jump!

21 Jump Street.

Got the food, guys.

Whoa.

It's about time, pal.

Hey, it took a long time.

Excuse me.

Is this the Jump Street precinct?

Chapel.

You're looking for Captain Fuller.

Well actually, I think I'm looking for you.

Well, we can deal with that.

Are you the officers involved with the incident

over at Truman High?

You mean, are we the ones who saved the Senator's life?

Yeah Hey, Chuck, get in here.

IOKI: What? - Listen, um--

[clattering] - Whoa.

Turn that camera off.

I just want to ask you a few questions.

PENHALL: Get out of my way! - Anyone?

No.

Turn that camera off.

KATHRYN: Hey, look at the--

Get out of my face.

There was something about a bomb.

Turn that camera off.

Boy, turn that camera off. PENHALL: Turn it off.

Go away. - Go!

No. Go away.

Hey. Hey!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

PENHALL: Turn it off.

KATHRYN: Captain Fuller, I'm Kathryn Morehead.

I don't care if you're Edward R. Murrow.

If you don't get out of here with this--

Listen, Captain. This is a major news event.

We need to know what happened. We need--

Know this.

I'm gonna take this video camera and carefully insert it--

Captain, I am not leaving here until I get a story.

[scoffing] Let me explain something to you, Miss--

- Morehead. - Whatever.

See, these are undercover cops.

Coming in here with a video camera is not--

All right. Jonathan, Chuck-- outside.

There'll be no camera at all.

All I am asking for is an exclusive on this story.

[scoffing] Right.

You're going to put this on the 6:00 news with no picture.

I'm not going to put it on the news at all.

Oh, I know that. Come here, Chuck.

No.

Listen, Captain, undercover cops in a high school thwarting

an attempt on a senator's life?

I think there's a movie in there somewhere.

[scoffing] [laughing] Chuck, out of here.

Come on.

My god, she's a writer.

And what I really want to do is direct.

Movies, huh?

Like "Lethal Weapon 3?"

[clearing throat] Kathryn, you know, I could tell

you what happened, if you want.

[click]

I think what happened last night was a classic battle

between good and evil.

Well, listen.

Start at the beginning, because I want to hear all of it.

Well--

[music playing]

Observe the stone.

When you can pluck it from my hand,

you will have learned all that I can teach you.

Yes, Ioki?

I believe I can pluck the stone, Master.

You do, do you?

Yes, Master.

Step up here.

Whenever you are ready.

[whoosh]

[laughing]

Huh?

[spits]

Hui.

[ding]

You are impudent.

You will learn the meaning of the word "respect."

Don't, Master, or you'll--

Or what, dung beetle?

Or you'll be sorry.

Yi-ah!

Excuse me, but what does any of this

have to do with the Senator?

It's background material.

Could you start a little closer to the 20th century,

like right before tonight maybe?

[sighing]

The Senator was gonna give a speech to the PTA,

and they received a bomb threat.

The Secret Service combed through every inch

and found nothing, so we were there just in case

the caller decided to hand deliver the merchandise.

[music playing]

The limo arrived at 7:00, accompanied

by the usual swarm of motorcycle cops and Secret Servicemen.

They pulled up in front of the school,

and the Senator emerged, grinning, waving, and playing

the crowd like a fine violin.

As he made his way up the steps to the auditorium,

everything seemed normal.

That is, it did until I noticed something by the west gate.

A van arrived, and pastry chefs began to spill

out from the rear cargo area.

First one, then another, then another, then another.

Something wasn't kosher.

Whoever heard of Chinese pastries?

Chinese pastries?

IOKI (VOICEOVER): This called for a closer look.

The last man out of the van was a strange-looking old bird

carrying an enormous cake box.

I decided to investigate.

My suspicions were aroused.

As I followed them around to the cafeteria entrance,

a strange sensation began to creep up on me.

Was it deja vu?

Second sight?

[grunting]

IOKI (VOICEOVER): Or was it just the egg salad

sandwich that I had for lunch?

Uh?

IOKI (VOICEOVER): I couldn't be sure, but whatever it was,

it pushed me further and further into the bowels

of the cafeteria.

From a dark corner, I watched as they

marched through the kitchen.

The old man carefully placed the cake box on a counter,

and his men quickly surrounded him.

CHEFS: [speaking chinese]

IOKI (VOICEOVER): Danger and fear raced through my veins,

and evil hung in the air like a beer

belch in a telephone booth.

[music playing]

I didn't know what game they were playing,

but I was pretty sure it wasn't Chinese checkers.

I decided to make my move.

IOKI: I'd like a piece of that cake.

[gong]

Get him.

CHEFS: [speaking chinese]

Ji! Ji!

Ji!

[muttering]

Oh!

Ooh.

CHEFS: [speaking chinese]

Take him, you cowards.

- Hiyah! - Kiai!

Ooh! [whack]

Hiyah! [whack]

Ah! Wah!

- [grunting] - Ah!

Ah!

[whack]

Wah!

Wah! Hiyah!

[whack]

Oof.

[grunting]

Ha-ooh!

Ha!

Hiyah!

[whack]

Oh!

[whack]

- Ya! - Hiyah!

[grunting]

Hiyah! Ha!

[whack] - [grunting]

Hiyah! Wah!

Wah!

Wah!

[speaking chinese]

Kiai!

[grunting]

[clattering]

You.

Go.

Hiu. [swoosh]

Hiu! Ya!

Wah!

Hiyah!

[thump]

[crash]

Hiyah!

[music playing]

Ow!

[thump]

[thump]

Gee, thanks.

Which reminds me of the story about the day

the rabbi and the priest decided to play a round of golf

with Aunt Jemima and Geraldo Rivera.

IOKI: Hiyah-ah!

Oh! WOMAN: Goodness!

MAN: Oh my god!

[music playing]

IOKI: Hold it right there.

The jig is up.

[swoosh]

Hi-u!

Don't be foolish, old man.

Hi-u!

[groaning]

[thump]

Mm.

[spits]

You have much to learn.

Doo-hiu-- hu.

Hiu-- hui.

Hui-- - Hiyah!

Ooh!

- Hiyah! - Hoo!

Hiyah! Hi-jui!

[whack] - Hiyah!

Hiyah! [whack]

- Ow! - Ooh.

Hiyah!

Oof.

[grunting] Uh.

Hiyah!

Ah!

Hiy-uh!

[thump]

[breathing heavily]

Who are you?

[music playing]

You?

That is correct, dung beetle.

[click]

[music playing]

Now prepare to learn your final lesson, dung beetle.

[whooshing]

If you prefer, I will destroy you with my bare hands.

Hi-oh!

Waaa-- hi-jiu.

[gasping] Huh--

ha!

Hiy--

[whack]

[grunting]

Hiyah!

[whack]

(SLOWLY) Whoa-- ah!

(EXPLOSION)

[laughing quietly]

Now we're even.

- Oh, Harry, please. - What?

You've been reading too many Zap comics.

So there was no bomb in the cake?

Of course not.

Would somebody please tell me what really happened?

[clearing throat]

So, Officer Hanson.

Mm-hmm, Hanson.

S-O-N. H-A-N-S-O-N. [clears throat]

S-O-N. Can you describe what transpired this afternoon?

[exhales] [clears throat]

Words can't describe.

[sighs]

[music playing]

Hanson, Hanson, Hanson-- can't you

see the lady has a job to do?

Come on.

Well, Judy, you seem to understand

what I'm looking for.

Oh, of course I do.

You're a class act.

You want to get right down to the heart of the matter.

That's right.

[music playing]

[knocking] - Who is it?

CAPTAIN: Clark Gable.

Come on in, Fullie.

[door shuts]

Hiya, doll.

Hiya, Chief.

Say, you got anything going after the show tonight?

Some friends are coming over.

Ruby and Choo-Choo DeLongo?

Johnny Walker and his brothers Blackie and Red.

Ah.

Say.

why don't you forget about this bum?

I can't, Fullie.

What, are you an elephant?

Just a woman--

scorned.

Now you listen here, doll.

You've got to pay mind to business.

I mean, this ain't just any rum-dum gig.

There's some high muckety-muck out there.

The Senator, you mean.

Nah.

I'm talking three top dogs from the William Morris Agency.

Look at me.

I'm doing cartwheels.

Hey, come on.

The boys are waiting backstage.

Earl's breaking in a new accordion player.

Wants to go over the new numbers.

I'll be there--

with bells on.

[music playing]

[heels clacking]

Hello, boys.

Hiya, doll face.

How's tricks?

You know, Pops, tricks are for kids.

[chuckling] Give a hey to Lester on the squeeze box.

Hey, Lester on the squeeze box.

SENATOR: So the priest loses his ball in the rough

and asks the rabbi if he can take a Mulligan.

[laughter]

EARL: What's the man yakety-yakking about?

Beats me.

What do those guys ever really talk about?

Lining their pockets, sticking it to the little guy,

and making the rich richer?

Skin's a little pink, eh?

Mm-hmm.

We go on in five minutes.

You all know the playlist?

Yeah.

Keep the masses sedated with sentimental fluff

so they never wake up and realize

that the fat cats like Mr. Golf out there are exploiting them.

You know these accordion cats.

EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen, Senator Phillips--

EARL: OK, everybody. Showtime.

EMCEE: Truman High School is pleased to present,

direct from her smash engagement at the Rainbow

Room in New York City, the one, the only,

the sensational Judy Hoffs.

[music playing]

[applause]

(SINGING) There's a somebody I'm longing to see.

I hope that he turns out to be someone who'll watch over me.

I'm a little lamb who's lost in the world.

I know I could always be good to one who'll watch over me.

Oh, yeah.

Although he may not be the man some girls

think of as handsome, to my heart he carries the key--

oh, the key.

Oh, won't you tell him please to put on some speed,

follow my lead.

Oh, how I need someone to watch over me.

[applause]

[music playing]

[click]

Drink?

You asking me or telling me?

[chuckling] Waiter?

So what brings you here?

Well, word is this band has a pretty fine songbird.

You got a lot of moxie showing up here.

- Oh, let me talk to you. - It's a free country.

[sighing] Hey, this ain't easy for me.

Spit it out.

I want you back, baby.

I've left Wanda.

Just wasn't 24 karat like you and me.

Do you have any idea what I've been going

through for the last two weeks?

Hoping you'd call, wondering if it was something

I did or didn't do. - Yeah, but listen, baby--

No, you listen.

If I decide to see you, it's going to be on my terms, see?

I'm never going to let a man have that kind of power over me

again.

Anything you say, baby.

Anything.

I've got another song to sing.

And don't call me baby.

[applause]

Where's Lester?

I don't know.

Aren't they wonderful?

Well, next we're going to sing a song that I'd

like to dedicate to a certain--

uh, that I'd like to dedicate to all of our Polish friends

out there.

It's a song I'm sure you all know.

[accordion playing]

[pounding feet]

[clattering]

What goes, doll?

It's in the accordion.

[sputtering]

Hey, what are you, yellow?

Come on.

Quick, open that door.

[thump]

[groaning]

[crash]

[explosion]

Where's the accordion player?

He made a getaway after the last song.

CAPTAIN: He might still be in the building.

Let's go. - No.

You go.

I've got three Morris agents out there, a set to finish,

and a boyfriend to set straight.

[panting]

That's my little star.

[exhaling]

[applause]

BLOWFISH: [snoring]

[yawning]

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you done yet?

- Sal. - He's right.

Nap time, baby.

Besides, there wasn't any bomb in the accordion anyway.

No?

It blew up, didn't it?

It broke.

Do you really want to know what happened this afternoon?

No. Don't tell me.

I don't want to know.

When I heard the Senator was going

to speak at my old high school, I wanted to be there.

I mean, what American wouldn't?

They never knew what hit them.

After that, the State Championship game

was a piece of cake.

Hey, Sal, tell us again about the time

you scored seven touchdowns against Jefferson.

[scoffing] Come on, it's ancient history.

Next?

Tell us about Wilbur.

[music playing]

[heavy breathing]

Or didn't they used to tell stories about Wilbur

when you were a student here?

Come on, Corene.

Everybody knows those stories are a bunch of baloney.

Wilbur Friedman is no baloney.

[scoffing] You're saying there really was a Wilbur?

He was a custodian here my freshman year.

Weird guy.

Lived in a tool shed out by the athletic field.

No one paid much attention to him,

until one day he took a weed whipper

and turned the entire cheerleading

squad into hamburger.

Gross.

Sal, I thought you were for real, man.

But you're bunk.

You probably never even kicked a field goal against Jefferson.

Let's get out of here, Corene.

[heavy breathing]

[music playing]

[heavy breathing]

[squeak]

Hey, hey! Hey!

Hey! What in the hell?

What are you doing?

[squeak]

It's all clear, sir.

[squeak]

Did you hear the one about the rabbi and the priest?

[chuckling] Yes, sir.

Many times.

[laughing] Just kills me.

[water running]

(WHISPERING) Say, isn't that the, uh--

[thump] - Yeah, that's him.

[thump]

Really?

Nice [inaudible]

[whack] - [groaning]

[whack]

[groaning]

[thump]

[weed whacker revving]

What's going on out there?

[weed whacker revving]

Wilbur!

All right, you maniac!

It's you and me now.

Come on!

Wilbur!

Wilbur!

Sal, get back to work, you little homunculus.

[thump]

[engine humming]

[music playing]

[thump]

[groaning]

Hey.

[side conversations]

Your name, sir?

Pen.

Doug Hall.

Oh, yes, Commander Penhall.

Right this way, sir.

[side conversations]

Bid on 28 black.

Ooh.

Thank you.

$50,000, please.

Of course, Mr. Penhall.

36, 24, 34.

$50,000 on double O.

The limit is 20 sir.

You would break the bank.

Place your bets, please.

[ball rattling]

[ball clattering]

Oh!

DEALER: Winner.

Double zero.

[onlookers exclaiming]

Listen folks, he broke the bank.

I'm busted.

Why, yes.

Of course you are.

You got a nice bankroll there.

I bet you say that all the boys.

Buy a washout a drink?

Perhaps we should listen to the Senator.

Whatever you say.

SENATOR: So she turns to the rabbi and says, oh yeah?

Well I got your birdie right here.

[laughing]

Why don't we go someplace cozy?

I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.

Why don't you make us a drink?

[dial tone]

What did you say your name was?

[music playing]

[inaudible] [inaudible] [inaudible]

[spritz]

[thump]

And what's your name?

Hall, Doug Pen.

Oh!

Where's the bomb?

You have to ask?

Don't be coy with me.

There's a bug in the chandelier, and that

can only mean one thing.

SAL: That's right, Mr. Penhall.

[thump]

Sal [inaudible] Blowfish.

Ah, so nice to see you again.

What is it this time?

Gold?

Diamonds?

Junk bonds?

[laughing]

Nothing so insignificant, Mr. Penhall.

I'd like you to meet my colleague.

The Senator.

Not the Senator, Mr. Penhall.

But an incredible simulation.

They're doing marvelous things these days

with plastic surgery.

Don't you agree?

Allow me to explain.

We have placed a large explosive device in the laundry room,

behind the dais just where the Senator is to be seated.

In the storage room?

The laundry room.

Along the back wall, behind a large industrial dryer.

Oh, yes.

I know where that is.

Following this explosion, we will remove the Senator's body

and replace him with Mr. Fukuyama here.

Following a short recovery, he will return to Washington.

And I, Mr. Penhall, will have an operative in a position

of incredible power.

[exhaling] [chuckling]

Prepare to die.

[inaudible], it is time.

[click]

And what time is that, exactly?

Half past.

[whooshing]

Ah, what is this?

- [coughing] - Ah!

- What is this? - Ah!

What's going on?

What is this?

[music playing]

Open, damn you.

Open!

PENHALL (VOICEOVER): This isn't the storage room.

[slam] - Douglas, behind the dryer.

[clattering]

I couldn't bear the idea of anything happening to you.

Down here.

[beeping]

No problem.

[door shuts]

Big problem.

[gasping]

[clang]

Oh!

[grunting]

[crash]

[breathing heavily]

[clang]

WOMAN: Get him!

[clank]

[groaning]

[clattering]

Ah!

[thump]

[groaning]

[thump]

[rapid accordion music]

[crash]

Douglas, hurry!

Huh?

The bomb!

Oh, yeah.

[beeping]

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Catch a tiger by the toe.

If he hollered, let him go.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

[snip]

[beeping stops]

[sighing]

Double 01.

I'm six better.

Well, I have to admit, I was a tad nervous in there.

Yeah.

I know what you mean.

I always get nervous whenever I right

disarm an air conditioner.

Well, it was a new model.

[inhaling] Oh, my god.

[laughing shakily]

ALL: [arguing]

BLOWFISH: You were singing.

HOFFS: You were in your bedroom. BLOWFISH: Listen!

- You tell 'em. - Listen up.

- I was out there kicking butt. - You?

Are you sure about that? - Kicking butt.

HOFFS: What are you going to do with a cake with no bomb in it?

The bomb was in the cake.

The bomb was in the accordion.

So--

[sighing]

Did you get what you need?

Yes, I did.

For a Kung-fu, musical, silent, international spy epic, yes.

As to who saved the Senator--

Didn't you guys tell her what really happened?

Well, compared to what they told me,

"Batman" plays like a documentary.

Well, maybe you should get it from the horse's mouth,

as opposed to the other end.

Here.

Hey, kid.

Why don't tell Kathryn here what you told me.

SENATOR: In the future, there will be high schools on Mars.

Science will reach new frontiers.

Instead of auto shop, you'll have rocket shop.

[chuckling]

One small step for man, one giant step for mankind.

[splat]

ALL: [screaming]

The eagle has landed, guys.

Oh, yeah! - Now, kid.

Come on.

Let's go.

I had to protect the future.

Yeah, I can see you as the antihero type.

This is perfect.

[click]

Uh, your tape ran out.

That is OK.

We'll just turn it over and go over all this other crap.

[click]

Come here. Tell me some more.

Well, so much for your movie career.

I guess I'll hang up my nunchucks.

I don't know why she's talking to him.

I mean, I was the one who caught him.

[squeak]

[horse whinnies]

[music - "happy trails"]

[hoof beats]

Happy trails to you, till we meet again.

[theme music]

Jump!

Jump!

Jump!

[music playing]

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