Original subtitles

HE WHISTLES

HE TOOTS HORN

Don't run! Pull up your socks.

Zinnia, Petunia - ladylike.

Victoria, slouching!

Ooh!

Ooh...

Ah!

WINCH RATTLING

Come on. You beauty!

All right, Pop? Hey, Mariette.

Now, THAT is a good day's work.

Isn't it just? Been looking for this for years.

SHE SIGHS Let's fly away.

CHILD: We're out of ketchup! No!

Can we get some? Can I drive?

Course you can!

Oh, look at that sky.

SHRIEKS AND LAUGHTER

You all right back there?

Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Mostly.

HORN TOOTS

Come on, Petunia. Down you jump.

All right, off and play. Go on. Don't get dirty.

All right, Reg? Pop, on your head!

Stanley Matthews! REG LAUGHS

Here you go, Pop. Oh, lovely. That looks nice, don't it?

Ooh, that's it. Oh! There she blows. Mmm.

Happy days.

Oh, God. Oh, hello.

If it ain't the Holy Trinity.

Larkin, move your ugly vehicle. It's obstructing mine.

What? Your nice little lady run-around, Alec?

It's a high-performance sports car.

Ah. HE WHISTLES

Montgomery! Do us a favour - shift the pick-up, can you,

so Alec can get to his nice little lady run-around?

HE CHUCKLES

All right, Vicar? Norma, darling?

Hungover. Feel like bloody death.

I'm very much not your darling.

I'd like to think everyone's my darling,

and I'm everyone's. Otherwise, why are we here?

Well, come on, what are you nattering about?

Horse and Hound Committee business.

Oh.

Ralph Fortescue's resigned as Master of Hounds,

taking his gymkhana field and hunting land.

Tight bleeder.

Well, why don't you just use our medders?

Eh? You know us Larkins, liberty hall.

CRASH What do you think you're doing?!

Oh! God.

GEARS GRINDING

Ease her forward gently, son.

And stop. Why did you let him drive?

He's only about eight! 13!

Shut up!

Er, apologies, we'll pay for the damage.

You're a toe-rag, like your dad! Oi, pack it in.

If anyone's gonna put him right, it'll be me or his Ma.

Just tell us how much we owe you to get it fixed.

Conservative estimate, �250.

I'm in the wrong sodding business!

Here. With the leftover cash, get yourself a spare car.

Well, why don't I give you back some of this to buy some contraception?

LAUGHTER

Now we can get stuck in!

Get back, get back.

ALL CHATTER Can you sort those carrots out?

Give 'em to your sister, please. All right, pumpkin.

Victoria, you can have four potatoes.

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in!

Door's open!

What's wrong with Mariette?

Nothing.

What's wrong with YOU? She got percussion from banging her head.

Unless she fell on some drums, it's called CON-cussion.

KNOCKING I'll get it.

Oh, Brigadier!

Trouble. Oh?

Well, calm your nerves. Have a snifter.

Er... No, I-I couldn't.

No? Well, I'm having a Dragon's Blood with...

a dash of lime.

Beer with fruit. Extraordinary. Yeah.

You've got a telly.

Yeah, well, it lightens up the room, don't it?

Ma.

Brigadier! Hello!

Help yourself to some dinner.

No, I couldn't. Blimey, that's a lot of food.

I've got a bite of cold at home.

No, no. You are not having any cold.

Cold, my foot. Go on, take a seat.

Now, chomp on that. It's yummy.

You're very welcome. Thank you.

So, the horrors.

They want to appoint Alec Norman as Master of Hounds.

I could see that coming. Yeah. But you know what? It don't matter.

Sky ain't gonna fall in.

Mind you, he's a bit of berk, ain't he, Montgomery?

I scraped his little lady run-around by mistake,

and he charged us 250 quid.

What?! Called Dad a toe-rag.

He called you what?! 250 quid?

You could've had him shot for less.

And he said we need contraception.

What's that?

It's very rude of him, is what it is.

You see, he's an utter rogue. Alec can't be Master of Hounds.

You should be it, Brigadier. Yeah.

Tush! Stop!

Hardly me.

No!

Ketchup with goose? Oh, yeah. Always need a bit of ketchup.

It perks it up a bit.

Mariette, get your seconds.

No, thanks, Mum, I'm not in the mood.

Time to share your burdens, sweetheart.

I'm going to France.

At the end of the month. Abroad? What?!

I've been writing to places in Paris about jobs. They need au pairs...

You've got work here. But it's more than that.

I love the French style, the language and the films and...

They take their medicines up their bottoms.

Is that stylish?

Is it?

Look, you see? I've got so much to discover.

I... I love you, but I need to leave home.

Oh, don't say nothing. You NEVER say nothing!

We're not gonna be the same family without Mariette, Ma.

I know.

The kids worship her. Especially Primrose.

It's too bad Mariette...

just can't find a boy she loves round here, you know?

Mm, well, to be fair,

there's a lot of lads in the village with heads full of straw.

And men like Alec Norman. Contraception?!

I'm tucking that one behind my ear.

Mariette is 19.

Remember what that feels like? Mm.

It'll be all right. Yeah.

I'll persuade her to stay.

We don't believe in worrying, do we? Eh?

Leave that to everyone else.

Ooh! Oh, you cheeky f...

Now, now. ..armer.

Ow! BOTH LAUGHING

Come on, baby We got chicken in the barn

Whose barn, what barn, my barn

Ba-da-da, ba-doop, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

Whole lot of shakin' goin' on... Whoo-ah!

What if I need you when you're away?

You'll be off too, one day. To college.

Your brain's the size of a melon.

But you're good at the stuff I'm not.

Oh, yeah, and what stuff's that?

Thanks, Mariette. Bye, Boffin.

Brian, we've talked about your staring.

Um, will you come out for a... No.

Hello. Good morning.

Tom Fisher.

Mariette Larkin. You passing through?

Nope. I just moved in, down there.

You sure? We haven't had anyone new in the village since 1949.

And do people usually arrive by horse?

Horse, bike, sheep...

combine harvester.

See you around.

The Horse and Hounds Committee needs to decide on a new Master of Hounds.

Yes, of course. I'm nominating my husband Alec,

cos he's the right calibre of person.

Let's face it, there aren't many men of calibre in the village.

Hello, Norma.

Hello, Libby. Mrs Larkin!

"Calibre", is it?

Or is that just snobbish claptrap? Just asking.

Are you suggesting

your husband could be a suitable Master of Hounds?

Well, I wasn't, but... Why not?

SHE LAUGHS

LIBBY JOINS IN

Stop it, Libby. Sorry.

What qualities would you consider necessary for the position?

Decency.

Oh, my husband has that.

Organisational experience.

Oh, got it! He's a dealer, dear. With a junkyard.

He is a gentleman farmer.

You don't deserve him as Master of Foxhounds.

He's always offering our land and donating. Libby, stay!

Oh, you look so pretty.

Like a doll. Thank you.

If only!

And, er, how did your husband come by his money?

Oh, by being quick on the uptake.

And he doesn't cheat people, if that's what you mean.

Unless they deserve it.

He'll never be Master, because he's common.

And there are rumours he can't read.

SHE LAUGHS SHARPLY Where do people get these ideas?

Edith.

Mr Larkin! I look absolutely ghastly.

No, you don't.

I've been refreshing my pelmets.

Yeah, I must do that. Have some goose.

All the trimmings. Ma's idea.

Come in, come in.

Oh, what would I do without you?

Oh, well, we don't do as much as you, Edith, do we?

18 committees, run your home on thruppence.

To be honest, I am... feeling the pinch.

Aw, Edith, come on. What's happening? Spill it.

An absolutely ghastly man

wants to buy my cottage as a weekend bolt-hole.

We don't want weekenders buying up down here.

Oh, it's bad enough with commuters like Alec. Tell him to take a hike.

Well, I have, but he's rather a bully

and can see I'm a little desperate. One tries to hold one's head up.

You don't want to move, though, do you? Lord, no!

Everything I love is here.

Well, our Mariette's wanting to leave home.

And that is absolutely ghastly.

Oh, God, if I was her age, I'd be gone like a shot.

I-I'm sorry, there must be something wrong with me.

Is your buyer bloke coming back? Mm-hm. This afternoon.

Right. I'll be here.

We can't have you being pushed around.

Formidable!

You're not going yet, are you? Oh! No, not today.

Look, I know you know everything, but shouldn't you be in school?

This is more important.

I need your advice.

About love.

Yes, I know I'm not known for that,

but I met a boy three weeks ago and I really like him.

We had a kiss.

Who is he?

His name's Eddie. He works at the travelling funfair.

What's wrong with that?

Oh, it's just you won't see him again, that's all.

Why not?

I told him where we live. He promised he'd write and visit.

Oh, Prim, he's a carny lad. They just... move on.

But he promised.

He looked me in the eyes.

I love him! He can't abandon me.

They are known for it.

Well, that's horrible and wrong.

You're right. It is. We'll find him.

Where was he headed when you met him?

Er, he didn't say.

He didn't say. SHE GASPS

He didn't mean it!

Oh, he's probably in... in Dundee by now!

Well, we'll - we'll go to Dundee, then.

And remind him that you're a human being.

Maybe he just lost your address.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'll give her "dealer". And "common"!

Ma, it's water off a duck's arse, it really is. I can assure you.

Look, we're happy and healthy and we got enough cash to enjoy ourselves.

And if we can persuade Mariette to stay, we can give her this.

Joined up, like. Oh, nice idea.

Right. Don't change the subject!

You deserve more respect. We all do.

I'll get us a Rolls-Royce, then, shall I?

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, yeah, get us a Roller (!)

I know where to get one, as it happens.

No, you don't. Yes, I do.

No, you don't. Yes, I do. You don't.

Ma, I do.

May I ask why you need to know?

We want to contact a member of the fairground staff. Private matter.

Have they committed a crime? Would that make you help us more?

I suppose it would.

Then, yes. He stole my sister's heart.

Well, I'd have to check,

but I don't think that's an offence in this country.

We know. We just wanna talk to him.

Because he's really special,

with a gorgeous smile and an earring.

Well, I'd advise you to approach with caution

any man sporting an earring.

Thanks. So, do you know where the funfair's moved on to?

Yes, I believe that's in Bedowick just down the road.

Can you give us a lift in your police car?

Ah, no, sorry.

Sergeant Plummer only lets me use the police car on Thursdays.

CHILDREN LAUGH

No! You're supposed to be dancing, not lashing each other to a post!

Montgomery, Victoria. Come on, we're going shopping.

What for? A Rolls-Royce, come on!

Ah, Johnny. And you two. Come see her.

And now!

Will you two take the covers off, my dear?

I don't want to get dust in my voice box.

How is the actor's life?

Oh, punishing, Pop. It's all about finding the truth.

Yeah, I bet it is, plus there's all that pretending to be other people.

Lights...

..and curtain up!

Bewitching, no? A sleeping giant.

So, what do you reckon, darling? Well, as I say...

Sorry, not you. Victoria.

She's a genius with the old mechanics.

Death trap. Oh. Oh.

Huh. You see, Johnny, you are at the top of your tree.

Baubles. It's about the work.

Yeah, but, so you don't want a shoddy old car like this,

lowering your artistic status.

No, it's mainly dust.

"Why, what is pomp, rule, reign, but earth and dust?"

Yeah, dust. Yeah, that is a big worry.

I can magic up a duster. No, no, no, no.

See, this is Kent automotive dust. It's sticky.

Sticky dust?

Oh, yes, sticky is the worst of the dusts. Yeah.

You see, it goes, uh, sticky...

Semi-sticky. Semi-sticky.

Standard. Standard.

Flyaway. Flyaway.

Yeah. Sorry, old darling.

You failed your audition. Oh, no, no, no. She can do it.

Give her a chance.

HE EXHALES

30 guineas. What? No, Dad.

I know, I know. What am I doing?

MA HUMS TO MUSIC

CAR HORN BLASTS

Dame Larkin, your Roller!

AFFECTED VOICE: How delightful.

Ha-ha! Spruce her up, team.

Hey, what about that?

SHE CHUCKLES

KISSING

AFFECTED VOICE: Where are you of to, my darling?

To see one of my ladies. Too cruel.

HE LAUGHS

Well done, son. Montgomery.

I have got an artistic job for you later.

I think I might have given you the impression I want to sell it,

but I don't.

You don't wanna live here. Middle of nowhere.

Bunch of rabbits for company.

Yes, but as I say, I rather love it.

You did say you need the money.

It would be helpful, but I don't...

Afternoon. May I be of assistance?

No.

This is Mr Larkin, a good friend of mine.

Mr Rance. Ah.

This lady and I have been coming to an understanding

about the sale of her home.

Yes, well, it is a very special house, yeah.

Very damp, though.

I mean, you could swim indoors some winters.

That's true. Exactly.

You'd be well rid of it. I'll rip the guts out, anyway.

Cladding. Tarmac. Tudor-look garage.

Very nice, yeah. Very nice. How much you offering?

2,500. HE INHALES

Oh, that, Edith, that is a very good price.

Yeah, you won't get that from anyone else.

Oh. Excellent. So, I have a contract.

Now, I'll give you 20% of the purchase price

if you sign it now.

I'd rather think about it some more.

No, go on, go on. Edith, sign it.

Nice few readies, you can rent somewhere.

Tremendous. I'll bring the missus down Monday, for a little shufty.

Not gonna check if she likes it first?

No. She does what I say.

Nice.

FAIRGROUND MUSIC

BELL RINGS

Wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

No! He should take you as you are.

I can't risk that.

We posh now? We will be in a minute.

Is that him? What? No!

Good, cos I'd say shaking him off would be a proper blessing.

Eddie's beautiful.

Hello. How do?

Remember me? Yeah.

Go away, please. Eddie and I are an item.

No, we're not. Right, you go win a goldfish.

You, we need a word in private.

We kissed and you told me

when I open my eyes, it's like the sun coming out.

Sounds like one of mine.

We talked about the joys of togetherness in all its forms.

Nah, that must've been you wittering on.

Ugh!

Eddie, I think we're incompatible.

In where?

Oh, well. We all make mistakes.

GHOST TRAIN SPOOKY LAUGHTER

Ah, is it that time of the month again?

Yes, it bloody is.

Two bob. Pay up.

What's in the parish magazine this month?

Usual crap. Got any gossip?

Me? Never. I got coins in the motor.

New chap's moved into the village. Tom Fisher. Something in money.

I heard.

Word is he had a good look at your Mariette.

Bugger me, a Rolls-Royce. Oh, this?

Oh, we've been meaning to get one for ages.

Whose coat of arms is that? Ours.

The car comes with an earldom, so technically, we're nobility now.

How the hell does that work!? I don't know.

But you know us, we're not interested in any of that baloney.

Oh, Pop's left his book in the car!

He can't read enough.

It's Bronte this, John Stuart Mill that.

Two bob.

You all right? Yes. Thanks.

CAR HORN BLASTS

God be with you, Rev!

It's a black and white TV, so why do we all look mauve?

Mm. TV: 'Tonight, Prostitution.

'What should we think?

'What is to be done about these women?

'Is it their fault? Or the fault of the men?

'If not, whose fault is it?'

Strawberries are early this year.

Yeah, this weather'll soon put the paint on 'em. Any more custard, Ma?

TV: 'I blame the men, and their appetites.'

PRIMROSE CRIES Oh, Primrose!

Oh, darling, sweetheart. Oh, it's only a boy.

I thought you were over him?

How can I be, he was so mean, and I love him.

I'll never love anyone again. I feel so stupid.

TV: 'Now an interview with a practising lady,

'whose face we have obscured.'

Blimey. It's gettin' a bit racy, isn't it?

Let's watch the other side, cheer you up a bit.

TV: 'With its savoir faire and je ne sais quoi,

'where better than France to...' What, France?

Ugh! Ah, blimey! Oh!

LAUGHTER

Watch it, you lot.

They're shifty, those fairground folk.

Yeah, you're better than them, Primrose.

No, no, no, no, no, she's not. No-one is better than anyone.

I think it's time we had a bit of a chat

about respect and snobbery.

I lost the custardy battle. THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, Dad. It's hard to leave home. So don't do it, then.

It's too late, I've already bought my suitcase.

Come on. Give us a hand with this.

So, how d'you tell a boy that you're not interested in him?

Kindly, but firmly. Firmly. Good.

Montgomery, eh, eh, eh! SHE SNAPS HER FINGERS

If you really like a girl, how should you approach her?

Without scaring or embarrassing her.

SHE SCOFFS He'll never manage that.

Oh, he will, cos he's a nice boy. You're a nice boy.

And how should we judge people, Victoria?

How they are, not how rich or la-di-da.

Good. So why have we bought a Rolls-Royce?

To show that we aren't taking any of that seriously.

Doesn't it show the opposite?

SHE SIGHS

And the Rolls-Royce comes with some sort of flaming earldom.

Nah, it's more complicated than that.

You calling me a liar?

You're quite bolshie for a parson, aren't ya?

And Larkin can read. He's got clever books on the go.

Course he has. Stout fellow. Would've made a lovely Gurkha.

Good day. Morning!

How do. All right?

Morning.

Glad to see new blood in the village.

I should say.

But why would he move here?

Morning. What's the chatter?

Pop Larkin's bought a Rolls-Royce.

Oh! A cynical attempt to raise their social status.

And she accuses me of snobbery.

Well, you can put a pig in a palace, it's still a pig.

SHE CHUCKLES

I'd rather see Larkin explaining his Rolls-Royce to the taxman.

SHE LAUGHS

Monsters.

Afternoon, Miss Chand.

Hello, dear. Posture!

Waging war on your garden, Brigadier?

Ah, yes, don't skimp on the gubbins. Um...

Can I talk to you and your sister about... the world?

Stay home.

Biggest mistake of my life, moving here.

Are we definitely related?

You don't want at 60 years old to have those what-might-have-beens.

But what if instead she gets the what-the-hell-was-I-doings?

They're rarer than the what-might-have-beens,

to even there-must-be-more-to-life- than-this-please-Gods.

Mum and Dad are contented and they've barely been to London.

But the world is changing.

And she opens her arms to the brave, the resourceful and the beautiful.

Where are you thinking of going? France.

Are you insane?! Oh, heavens, don't go there!

SHE CHUCKLES

Cheers, Kent. Hey, lads!

Good afternoon. Postie. You all right? Fine, thank you.

Congratulations, Mr, Larkin!

Oh, thanks, Libby. What for?

I hear the Larkins are landed gentry now.

Well, we got land, but...

And that you are actually a bit of an intellectual.

Well, that don't sound like me. Who says that?

Um. Oh, I don't know, word-of-mouth.

The vicar. Huh.

Mariette. Pauline.

Looking forward to the strawberry picking? Get some sun on us.

Get the lads panting.

I hear your Pop's helping out Miss Pilchester.

What's that supposed to mean?

Does it sound like it means anything?

No, but it won't stop you, Pauline.

And I hear you're scooting off at the end of the month.

Where'd you get that from? You bought yourself a suitcase.

Maybe that's why I'm leaving.

Can't buy a suitcase without everyone talking about it.

So you're giving me a clear run at the new mystery fella, Tom.

What? Yes, I am. I'm off boys, anyway.

Too much like hard work.

You know, I'd think twice about quitting here.

My sister made it as far as Dover, got up the duff,

had to wed an alky tosspot, now she looks 50.

Thanks. Face like a gargoyle, too proud to come home.

You're just making me want to leave all the more.

SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE

Oh, wait, let me nip to our library for a couple o'Prousts,

and a gawp at our coat of arms (!)

All right, I'm sorry.

Well, don't be. Remember, Nanny always says never apologise.

THEY LAUGH

I know, I just hate it when people are rude about the man I love.

Yeah.

Well, you can't please everyone all the time, can ya? Mm.

Except, you do please me all the time. Aw.

Oh, then there's Mariette off, and Primrose all torn up.

And Alec Norman hitting our boy.

I know, I know.

But don't worry, Ma, me and Montgomery haven't forgotten.

The folk we like like us and vicey versey, and that's what matters.

Mm-hm, mm. Right?

Like Edith Pilchester.

I'm helping her out at her house tomorrow.

She's in love with you, you know? And who can blame her?

You've got your admirers.

If I fell in the chipper, they'd be queuing up round the block.

You know what, Ma? Hm?

It's love what gets us out of bed in the morning.

Hm. Tell Primrose that, but, yeah, true.

That's why I can't bear to see Mariette go.

I know, but it's wrong to trap a butterfly if it wants to fly away.

Maybe not. Got a good feeling about tomorrow.

May Day. Start of a glorious summer.

CHOPPING, BIRDS SINGING, WIND BLOWS THROUGH FOLIAGE

MUSIC PLAYS

Not bad! Ah!

Was this here last time? No!

I was only here the other day!

What the?

Wait! Wait. Come on.

I saw two badgers playing here in the moonlight last night.

Oh, you gotta love a badger. Body of a beaver, head of a zebra.

Mm! And the shy decency of a good butler, I always think.

Ah.

Time to face the music.

Here! What's going on? I can't get my Triumph up to the house.

Yeah, cos there's a tree in the way now.

I need access if I'm buying the house.

True, yeah. Very true.

Would you like some coffee, dear?

Oh, thanks, if you're having one as well.

No, she don't want no coffee.

Not till I get some sense out of you.

Let's have a stroll around the property, shall we? Come.

Now, I don't know what you're trying to pull,

but your girlfriend signed a contract of sale. Ah.

Cracking bluebells, look. That's my land, that. Yeah.

You fascinate me (!)

And that's Victoria, this is my land this side, too.

And, oh, I forgot... that's my land over there, too.

LARKIN LAUGHS

So, you see, it looks like my land goes all the way round

this beautiful little cottage.

And you can't get access without my say-so,

which I'm not gonna give.

So, go ahead, buy Edith's cottage, but you can't get to it...

..unless you go by helicopter.

Oh, well.

I want my deposit back, then. No, no, you won't.

You see, because it's you that's cancelling the sale.

What?! But, I'll tell you what.

Just to show that us country types aren't as greedy as you,

we will give you back half your cash

if you leave now and never come back.

What about that?

Now, darlin', you have it.

Edith.

Morning, Eddie.

I need you to do something for me. Oh, yeah, what?

Write to my sister Primrose saying sorry, and she's adorable,

but you work away, so your love cannot be.

Get out of here.

Look, you're the person you are,

but she's only 16 and she's romantic.

I'd like you to let her down gently.

Oh, I get it. You fancy me.

Tell you what, let's go round the back.

Yeah. All right.

Let's get writing.

I can't thank you enough. Oh.

I might go mad and buy some fripperies.

I should cocoa. Time to celebrate the month of May!

MORRIS MUSIC

OK, keep moving, keep moving, keep moving. Under and over, yes.

Good, smoothly. OK.

Oh, my goodness.

Stop! Stop! Before there's a strangling.

MORRIS DANCERS: Hey! APPLAUSE

Testing. I'm Alec Norman. Testing.

I'm Alec Norman. Alec. Alec Norman.

Tickets for the tombola! Lots of fun.

Super knick-knacks.

Raise money for sad horses. And hounds.

And the fire brigade, and so on.

FEEDBACK

Good afternoon. I'm Johnny Delaware.

CLAPPING You're too kind.

And as your local VIP... Madness. I'm deeply honoured

to be asked to host the 1958 May Day festivities!

CLAPPING

And to quote the Bard of Avon,

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

"Thou art..." DOG BARKS

"Thou art more lovely and more temperate."

DOG BARKS

"Rough winds do shake..." HE WHISPERS: Shut up!

"..do shake the darling buds of May,

"and summer's lease hath all too short a date."

APPLAUSE

Help yourself, gentlemen. Pace yourselves, though.

Don't want any chundering in front of the kiddies.

Present for you, Ma. Thanks, Da. You're welcome.

MORRIS MUSIC

The next shift have started on the maypole,

showing the schoolchildren how to do it properly.

LAUGHTER Ah, Pop Larkin.

You must be Tom. Oh, how can you tell?

Handsome, intelligent-looking. Thank you.

No, it's all about me. You just look like a Tom.

LAUGHTER I'm only joking.

Oi, Pop, I think your status as most dishy villager is under threat.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, Brigadier over there's looking lovely in that jacket.

I can see I'm gonna have to watch myself around you Larkins.

LAUGHTER

OVER MICROPHONE: 'And now the fundraising extravaganza.

'The charity auction of donated items.'

And so, what am I bid for this... spinning wheel?

It's a good cause. You can make your own robes.

Fiver!

�5 to Mr Larkin. Sold!

'Right, we're underway. And the next one.

'A bag of golf clubs. Sold to Mr Larkin!

'Once again, most generous.'

Hello. Oh, hello.

I recommend the pot plant stall.

They straightened me right out about hollyhocks.

Oh, glad you're being looked after.

Is that too familiar of me?

Yes. Shame on you.

APPLAUSE 'Sold! Once again, most generous.'

HE SCOFFS Popularity's cheap.

Oh, we're just trying to spread it about a bit. Why don't you join in?

I'd rather keep my house free of tat.

Ooh. Ooh, I like that.

Hm. Is that a Turner? Yeah.

Local artist, of course, from down Margate way. Yeah.

And what am I bid for this painting?

It's a seascape.

I'd have added a boat, or a lighthouse, or something,

but that's just me. 50 quid.

Ooh! APPLAUSE

�100. Oh! Ah!

�200. APPLAUSE

The drama of it. It's against you, sir.

250. ALL: Ooh.

Ah...

�250, sold! Gosh, that's a lot of money.

APPLAUSE

Fair play, Alec. Can't compete with that. Well done.

CHUCKLING

I think you'll find it's a Turner.

Hello, gorgeous. What you been up to?

Settling a score for Primrose. Kindly, but firmly.

And? Still leaving home?

Yes. I'm sorry, Dad, but I don't wanna end up like Miss Pilchester.

I know everything about the farm, the village, the people in it.

Nothing ever happens.

Doesn't it?

Come on. Let's take a walk, eh?

Come on.

It's hot, isn't it? Oh, is that for me? Ta.

Right, so where are we going, Pop? Come on, I'll show you.

Just look at that, Mariette.

A common-or-garden village river, right? Looks dull, doesn't it?

But when I was your age, it completely dried up.

Guess what we found there.

A man's skeleton, a cat-fish the size of a Shetland pony

and 38 size-12 shoes. I tell you!

And my Dad is on the troop train,

and he's coming back from the Great War after four years, right?

And he steps off the train, and we rush at him, the lot of us.

The kids all hugging him, clawing at him.

And my Mum starts kissing him all over... Oh, Dad.

..and then we realise it's the wrong bloke.

And your gran has to climb off him,

and then I seem my dad and realise he's much taller than I remember.

Oh, crikey, I've got so many stories,

I don't know where to start.

I mean, uh, oh, yeah.

Right, so, my mate says he's gonna marry the first woman

who comes around this very corner,

who's single and aged between 20 and 40.

He agrees, by the way, whoever it is, right?

So we're all waiting out here, tense, like, cos he means it,

and guess who comes around the corner?

The mobile librarian. No. The mobile librarian.

And they're still married today. What? And happy?

Yep. We're doing all right, most days.

You, Reg?!

Why have I never heard all this before, Dad?

You know, because, Mariette... Come on.

..a village is alive.

And you think that it's said everything to you...

but there's always more.

More stories, secrets, weirdness, joy.

And I'd love you to carry on being a part of it, with us.

Yeah?

Well, I guess I need to think about that, then.

Good girl.

There you go. Thank you, Mrs Larkin.

Cheque for �250, Treasurer.

Never let it be said I don't do my bit.

I heard someone paid loads for my painting. Was the paint dry?

Not a Turner? Who'd have thought?

Better still, it's a Montgomery Larkin.

What?! I paid 250 nicker for a kid's ruddy painting!

Someone's asking for a kick up the jacksie!

A bit common!

I, for one, will take great pleasure in driving you Larkins

out of this God-forsaken village! BOOING

FEEDBACK

No!

Hey, come on, turn around. BOOING CONTINUES

CLEARS THROAT SHOUTS: Quiet!

In recognition of the generosity of Mr Larkin

and for services to the village,

we name him our new Master of Hounds.

APPLAUSE

Well, thank you, kindly, but I'm not interested.

Tell you what, Ma'll do it, though. Oh!

APPLAUSE, SHE CHUCKLES

I'm not one for titles, but... CRACKS WHIP

ALL: Oh!

Nah! As you were.

Brigadier, you do it. Me?

APPLAUSE

Thank you. APPLAUSE

I'm still leaving... but I'll stay till the end of the summer.

Excuse me.

Come here, you little beauty! MA LAUGHS

Now, that's what I call a good day out.

Home always looks perfect, though, don't it, Ma?

Yeah. Come on, kids.

Let's grab some food. We...

Oh, hello. Uh, uh, Mr Sidney Larkin? Yeah.

Larkin by name, Larkin by nature.

Cedric Charlton, I'm from the Office of the Inspector of Taxes.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, uh, uh, sorry, um, well, according to our records

you have made no return of income for the past year.

Haven't I? Or, uh, indeed, ever.

Ah, well, that's probably cos we don't have any income. Do we, Ma?

Income? Yeah. Outcome, more like, with our expenses.

Mm-hm. Well, I'm afraid that I anticipate that you may owe

a rather large sum in tax.

Well, you know what, Mr...? Charlton.

..Charlton, we can talk about that.

Why don't you come inside and have some tea, eh?

We're starving. Come on, let's go.

Come on, everyone. No, uh, sor... Well, actually, we...

You need to fill out this form. Form? A yellow one.

We've sent a few. Oh, Ma, we had a form?

You ever see a form? Never seen one. Surely never.

Nope. Never had no form. Ma says so.

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