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1
00:00:11,943 --> 00:00:23,182
# La la la la la
la la la la la la la
2
00:00:26,386 --> 00:00:28,625
Pat! Taking out 13.
3
00:00:30,366 --> 00:00:32,585
Bit late, innit, Les?
4
00:00:32,679 --> 00:00:35,758
Want to get out for that sunset.
Meant to be a beauty.
5
00:00:35,879 --> 00:00:39,038
Here, wouldn't mind doing my back?
6
00:00:39,159 --> 00:00:43,798
Would do, but sand everywhere.
Ho-ho, tell me about it!
7
00:00:46,199 --> 00:00:49,918
# When she looks at me and laughs
8
00:00:50,039 --> 00:00:53,478
# I remind her of the facts
9
00:00:53,599 --> 00:00:59,038
# I'm the king of rock 'n' roll,
completely! #
10
00:01:37,319 --> 00:01:39,598
Just arrived at platform two,
11
00:01:39,719 --> 00:01:41,478
the 4:15 train to Sandylands.
12
00:01:47,159 --> 00:01:52,358
Jesus! Never heard of trousers?
Hello, hello! Welcome to Sandylands!
13
00:01:54,039 --> 00:01:59,118
This you? No, this is a taxi!
Ha-ha ha! Down from London, is it?
14
00:01:59,239 --> 00:02:01,358
What a shit hole!
15
00:02:01,479 --> 00:02:04,678
Where are we off to, then?
Seaview Court.
16
00:02:04,799 --> 00:02:08,198
Well, that'll be 30 English pounds.
What?! Seems a lot.
17
00:02:08,319 --> 00:02:10,678
Well, it's a tenner for you,
tenner for the bags,
18
00:02:10,799 --> 00:02:13,558
and, er, another tenner.
19
00:02:13,679 --> 00:02:16,638
Urgh. All right, suit yourself.
20
00:02:16,759 --> 00:02:22,478
Emily Verma? I don't believe it!
21
00:02:22,599 --> 00:02:25,318
It's me! It's Tina Taylor.
22
00:02:25,439 --> 00:02:30,798
It's Tine. You're Gary Taylor's
sister! Yes, you guessed it!
23
00:02:30,919 --> 00:02:33,918
Wasn't he expelled for holding
a dinner lady hostage?
24
00:02:34,039 --> 00:02:36,718
Classic Gaz!
25
00:02:36,839 --> 00:02:39,438
They're married now. Cor blimey!
26
00:02:39,559 --> 00:02:42,078
Blast from the past alert!
27
00:02:42,199 --> 00:02:44,878
You've really grown into your teeth.
What are you doing?
28
00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:48,438
I'm trying to get a cab.
Oh, don't worry about that, mate!
29
00:02:48,559 --> 00:02:51,478
Last tour of the day, I'll take you.
30
00:02:51,599 --> 00:02:54,078
# I'm horny, horny, horny, horny!
31
00:02:55,159 --> 00:02:56,838
# So horny, I'm...
32
00:02:56,959 --> 00:02:59,598
# Horny, horny, horny tonight! #
33
00:03:01,347 --> 00:03:06,706
Right, welcome to Sandylands Tours.
Come rain, come shine, just come!
34
00:03:06,827 --> 00:03:11,986
I'm Tina Taylor, and I'm going to b
your gorgeous guide for the day! OK.
35
00:03:12,107 --> 00:03:13,506
Who would like a travel sweet?
36
00:03:15,147 --> 00:03:19,626
Listen, I heard about your dad, by
the way. It was in all the papers.
37
00:03:19,747 --> 00:03:23,106
Proper mad.
He'd have enjoyed the attention.
38
00:03:23,227 --> 00:03:26,146
Do you know, to think one minute
you can be out on a pedalo without
39
00:03:26,267 --> 00:03:29,546
a care in the world and then...
Donkeys!
40
00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:31,626
You must be right upset.
41
00:03:31,747 --> 00:03:36,266
I'm OK. We kind of drifted apart
a bit, really.Aw.
42
00:03:36,387 --> 00:03:39,826
Life can be a right busy bitch,
can't it? Yeah.
43
00:03:39,947 --> 00:03:43,506
And he was quite a selfish prick,
so... Blimey!
44
00:03:43,627 --> 00:03:45,626
You don't mince your beef, do you?
45
00:03:47,867 --> 00:03:52,346
So, what are you up to these days,
then? Oh! This and that.
46
00:03:52,467 --> 00:03:56,026
Living in London still.
Hold on. Beach! London, eh?
47
00:03:57,267 --> 00:04:00,586
Cor blimey, you must shit avocados!
48
00:04:00,707 --> 00:04:03,106
What are you doing, are you doing
something proper exciting?
49
00:04:03,227 --> 00:04:06,706
Just trying to get my pottery
out there, you know? It's tough.
50
00:04:06,827 --> 00:04:11,226
I'm doing some pretty ambitious
things with clay. Oh, good for you.
51
00:04:11,347 --> 00:04:15,026
Good for you. You know, people will
always need an ashtray, won't they?
52
00:04:15,147 --> 00:04:16,626
Dodgems!
53
00:04:16,747 --> 00:04:21,146
Are you back for long? Just for the
memorial. Then back to civilisation!
54
00:04:21,267 --> 00:04:25,186
Right. I've just moved in with
my best mate Tito, actually.
55
00:04:25,307 --> 00:04:28,106
He's gay, so it's really great.
56
00:04:28,227 --> 00:04:30,186
I love the gays!
57
00:04:30,307 --> 00:04:32,266
My God,
we had Pride here last summer.
58
00:04:32,387 --> 00:04:36,306
Me and Tattoo Dave, doing
Abba Gold on the back of a forklift.
59
00:04:36,427 --> 00:04:39,106
Glitter everywhere! Great!
60
00:04:39,227 --> 00:04:41,546
Aw, do you know, it's not going
to be the same round here
61
00:04:41,667 --> 00:04:43,346
without your dad.
62
00:04:43,467 --> 00:04:45,386
I used to love
playing down his arcade.
63
00:04:45,507 --> 00:04:48,146
It's where I got a go
on the cutest boy from school!
64
00:04:48,267 --> 00:04:51,626
Nathan Wylde? What?!
65
00:04:51,747 --> 00:04:55,586
No, seriously! Nathan Wylde!
66
00:04:55,707 --> 00:04:59,146
No, I just mean, we just got on,
ages ago now.
67
00:04:59,267 --> 00:05:01,706
He's sweet. Oh, God no! No, no.
68
00:05:01,827 --> 00:05:06,466
Danny Richards.
He was bloody gorgeous, wasn't he?
69
00:05:06,587 --> 00:05:08,106
Shame about that.
70
00:05:10,347 --> 00:05:13,026
And it stunk. Face painting!
71
00:05:22,547 --> 00:05:24,186
Hey, look at that!
72
00:05:27,667 --> 00:05:29,746
£5, that's daylight robbery!
73
00:05:32,067 --> 00:05:35,946
Oh, all right.
Shall we do a tiger? Yeah!
74
00:05:52,587 --> 00:05:56,866
Here you are, pet. Oh, right,
thanks. Here, give us your number.
75
00:05:58,867 --> 00:06:01,306
Tell you what, it's karaoke
down Chino's tomorrow night.
76
00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:04,506
We should go. Two-for-one
on fish bowls. Red Bull on tap.
77
00:06:04,627 --> 00:06:06,186
You're going to bloody love it!
78
00:06:06,307 --> 00:06:09,226
God, Chino's! Come on, it'll be fun.
Oh, I don't know.
79
00:06:09,347 --> 00:06:11,346
It's not really my thing. What?
80
00:06:11,467 --> 00:06:14,906
Life's too short to be
a dick about it, mate! Carpet diem.
81
00:06:15,027 --> 00:06:18,106
It means "seize the day".Right.
82
00:06:18,227 --> 00:06:21,986
Right, are we on, then? Erm, maybe.
Booyah! I'll text you tomorrow.
83
00:06:22,107 --> 00:06:23,906
I've got to get this
lot down Dreamboys On Ice
84
00:06:24,027 --> 00:06:25,626
before all hell breaks loose.
85
00:06:30,067 --> 00:06:34,666
Who's ready for more pricks
than a second-hand dartboard?
86
00:06:34,787 --> 00:06:38,586
# I'm horny, horny, horny, horny!
87
00:06:38,707 --> 00:06:42,146
# So horny,
I'm horny, horny, horny! #
88
00:06:50,947 --> 00:06:52,626
Bloody hell.
89
00:07:18,547 --> 00:07:21,066
Jeannie, the chair. Go, go, go!
90
00:07:21,187 --> 00:07:22,946
What are you doing?!
Calling the police!
91
00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:24,986
We've got a hose,
and we're not afraid to use it!
92
00:07:25,107 --> 00:07:27,586
Give her a warning shot, Derek.
It's OK, it's Emily.
93
00:07:27,707 --> 00:07:29,066
Les's daughter.
94
00:07:29,187 --> 00:07:33,106
Oh, well get the bloody chair!
Oh, my goodness! I'm so, so sorry.
95
00:07:33,227 --> 00:07:36,666
Lovey, we didn't mean to startle
you! Sorry, lovey.
96
00:07:37,907 --> 00:07:40,746
We were just doing our bit
for the old Neighbourhood Watch.
97
00:07:40,867 --> 00:07:44,346
Empty house like this is catnip to
a smack head. You're OK, you're OK.
98
00:07:45,667 --> 00:07:49,506
Proprietor of Swallows
by the Sea B&B, Derek Swallows.
99
00:07:49,627 --> 00:07:51,426
Please don't make fun of my name.
100
00:07:51,547 --> 00:07:56,146
Oh, we were so shocked to hear abou
your daddy. Oh, terrible business.
101
00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:58,226
We're doing
the catering for the memorial.
102
00:07:58,347 --> 00:08:00,546
Jeannie does a spread,
no man goes hungry.
103
00:08:00,667 --> 00:08:04,586
I hope you like mackerel mousse.
Quite the character, was Les.
104
00:08:04,707 --> 00:08:06,826
Didn't always see eye to eye.
105
00:08:06,947 --> 00:08:10,146
Lent him my lawnmower, if you do
happen to come across it... Derek!
106
00:08:10,267 --> 00:08:12,066
She's only just got home!
107
00:08:12,187 --> 00:08:17,146
Oh, you're so beautiful, aren't you?
Jeannie always wanted a little girl.
108
00:08:17,267 --> 00:08:18,666
We were never blessed.
109
00:08:18,787 --> 00:08:21,026
God in his infinite wisdom gave me
an upside down womb
110
00:08:21,147 --> 00:08:22,506
and a blast proof hymen.
111
00:08:22,627 --> 00:08:26,066
Oh! Oh! Jeannie...
112
00:08:26,187 --> 00:08:27,986
Jeannie, Jeannie. Jeannie!
113
00:08:28,107 --> 00:08:30,986
Oh, if there's anything
we can do to help, anything at all.
114
00:08:31,107 --> 00:08:34,746
Yeah, just pop your head over
the fence and shout, Derek Swallows!
115
00:08:34,867 --> 00:08:39,866
Actually, I don't suppose you know
a decent locksmith? Yeah, I do.
116
00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:41,586
Dougie. Good pal of mine.
117
00:08:41,707 --> 00:08:45,106
Always helping out with my sticky
back door. Yes, swells in the heat.
118
00:08:45,227 --> 00:08:48,466
He even managed to fix my front
flap. The cats have free rein now.
119
00:08:48,587 --> 00:08:49,906
I'll ring him.
120
00:08:50,027 --> 00:08:53,346
Oh, I've just remembered,
he's away. Are you sure?
121
00:08:53,467 --> 00:08:56,786
I only just spoke to him.
No, I'm absolutely positive.
122
00:08:56,907 --> 00:08:59,106
Oh, I've got an idea. Why don't you
come and live with us?
123
00:08:59,227 --> 00:09:02,986
Stay! I mean, stay.Oh. Really?
Of course!
124
00:09:03,107 --> 00:09:04,986
We are a bed-and-breakfast,
after all!
125
00:09:07,387 --> 00:09:09,386
It's 40 quid a night
and check out's at 11.
126
00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:15,266
Date of birth?17th October '94.
127
00:09:15,387 --> 00:09:18,106
Place of birth? Sandylands.
128
00:09:18,227 --> 00:09:22,946
Cucumber water? Oh!
So it is. Hold that.
129
00:09:27,987 --> 00:09:31,346
Here you go. Oh, my God.
It's so camp!
130
00:09:31,467 --> 00:09:35,946
My friend Tito would love this! The
People's Princess. We're big fans.
131
00:09:36,067 --> 00:09:38,626
Derek likes me
to wear my hair just like her.
132
00:09:38,747 --> 00:09:41,666
I don't know why,
but I find it strangely arousing.
133
00:09:41,787 --> 00:09:45,546
Room number four.
Here's your key. Don't lose it!
134
00:09:46,867 --> 00:09:52,866
And welcome to Swallows by the Sea!
And don't forget to swallow...
135
00:09:52,987 --> 00:09:54,826
your cucumber water!
136
00:09:55,987 --> 00:09:59,466
We do like to have a laugh here.
We do! We do!
137
00:10:01,227 --> 00:10:03,866
Drink up, drink up!
138
00:10:07,427 --> 00:10:10,426
Channel 48. Channel 49.
139
00:10:12,547 --> 00:10:18,306
50's your Russia Today and then
you're knee deep in Nigerian soaps.
140
00:10:18,427 --> 00:10:21,266
Awful woman, that one!
141
00:10:21,387 --> 00:10:24,426
I brought you some fresh towels,
like an Alpine meadow smell.
142
00:10:24,547 --> 00:10:26,386
And if you want to borrow
any clothes,
143
00:10:26,507 --> 00:10:29,146
I've got some undies on a boil wash.
Oh, no, no. I'm fine.
144
00:10:29,267 --> 00:10:30,946
Oh, you don't look fine.
145
00:10:31,067 --> 00:10:33,626
It must have been terrible
not knowing where your daddy was
146
00:10:33,747 --> 00:10:34,906
all that time.
147
00:10:35,027 --> 00:10:38,346
You get used to it. Don't trust her,
man, she's playing you like a fool!
148
00:10:39,587 --> 00:10:41,266
I really liked Les.
149
00:10:41,387 --> 00:10:44,226
We were heartbroken
when they called off the search.
150
00:10:44,347 --> 00:10:48,666
Everybody got involved. Derek even
got his little dinghy out.
151
00:10:48,787 --> 00:10:53,466
Oh, they're related. This is loopy!
Now then. Breakfast.
152
00:10:53,587 --> 00:10:57,546
How do you like your eggs?
Oh, actually, I'm a bit of a vegan.
153
00:10:57,667 --> 00:11:03,226
Can you have a little bit of bacon?
Yeah, go on, then.Right.
154
00:11:03,347 --> 00:11:07,146
Towels sorted.
You've got your water over there.
155
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:10,186
Just got to turn the bed down
and maybe read you a little story?
156
00:11:10,307 --> 00:11:12,106
Oh, actually, I'm going
to hit the old hay!
157
00:11:12,227 --> 00:11:15,786
Got to get up early, check in at
Dad's arcade. Are you sure? Jeannie!
158
00:11:15,907 --> 00:11:21,186
Give the girl a bit of space!
Now, budge up. This is getting good!
159
00:11:22,587 --> 00:11:25,906
The man who you think
is your father is not your father!
160
00:11:26,027 --> 00:11:27,306
Nooo!
161
00:11:37,704 --> 00:11:41,591
Look, I'm not saying that, Donna.
Well, what are you saying?
162
00:11:41,624 --> 00:11:46,463
It's a long time, is all, isn't it?
For God's sake, Les! You'll survive.
163
00:11:48,224 --> 00:11:53,383
All right, love? Just having
a little talk with... Mummy.
164
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:54,623
Another go?
165
00:11:57,864 --> 00:11:59,503
Giddy-up!
166
00:12:01,064 --> 00:12:05,863
Of course, of course I'm
pleased for you. I'll be all right.
167
00:12:05,984 --> 00:12:08,583
But you know, what about Emily?
168
00:12:08,704 --> 00:12:15,183
Emily...
169
00:12:15,304 --> 00:12:16,663
Emily!
170
00:12:16,784 --> 00:12:19,943
What? What's going on?
It's your wake-up call!
171
00:12:21,904 --> 00:12:27,503
It's 11am! You look so lovely
lying there, like a windy princess.
172
00:12:29,464 --> 00:12:31,663
Good morning. Rise and shine!
173
00:13:02,664 --> 00:13:06,143
# Pull him away
174
00:13:06,264 --> 00:13:09,943
# Jealous so with me
175
00:13:13,224 --> 00:13:16,383
# Go there for new
176
00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:20,263
# For new things there
177
00:13:25,144 --> 00:13:29,463
# Singing of a famous street
178
00:13:29,584 --> 00:13:35,303
# I want to love,
I've all the wrong glory
179
00:13:35,424 --> 00:13:39,943
# But is it Heaven or Las Vegas? #
180
00:13:41,104 --> 00:13:44,983
Give me all your tokens! Oh, my God.
Please don't hurt me.
181
00:13:46,824 --> 00:13:48,463
What's that?
182
00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:57,183
Back up. Back up, man. Back up!
Kenny, it's me. Emily. Emily! Emily!
183
00:13:57,304 --> 00:13:59,383
I can't believe you still work here!
184
00:13:59,504 --> 00:14:02,703
I ain't giving up this sweet arse
job! Unlimited gaming, £5 an hour.
185
00:14:02,824 --> 00:14:07,183
Man's living like a king! Oh, by th
way, I made a couple of changes.
186
00:14:07,304 --> 00:14:09,183
I put the shooters
in chronological order,
187
00:14:09,304 --> 00:14:12,183
and I stuck a condom machine
next to the Love Tester.
188
00:14:12,304 --> 00:14:15,503
A few more tweaks, and we could
start breaking even in here! Great!
189
00:14:16,624 --> 00:14:19,663
Sorry for not getting here sooner.
It's been a bit mad.
190
00:14:19,784 --> 00:14:23,663
Yeah, I get it. Crazy times. But
everything's under control.Thanks.
191
00:14:25,544 --> 00:14:28,743
I'm really sorry for your loss,
Emily. Les was a total ledge.
192
00:14:30,184 --> 00:14:31,703
Is Dad's office still...? Yeah.
193
00:14:31,824 --> 00:14:35,223
Still a bit of a mess, mind,
since the fire. What fire?
194
00:14:35,344 --> 00:14:37,783
Did you not hear? Madness.
195
00:14:37,904 --> 00:14:39,263
I was just locking up, yeah,
196
00:14:39,384 --> 00:14:42,343
when I saw smoke coming from under
the office door.
197
00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:44,943
I was like, no way! Fire!
Man's got to get out.
198
00:14:45,064 --> 00:14:47,103
I went for my keys,
but I'd left them in the grabber
199
00:14:47,224 --> 00:14:48,783
when I was screwing
down the Minions.
200
00:14:48,904 --> 00:14:50,623
I full-on did a super Commando
roll.
201
00:14:50,744 --> 00:14:53,583
Paused that video,
stopped playing for my life.
202
00:14:53,704 --> 00:14:58,823
Down went the claw, but no dice.
I try again. Slowly, this time.
203
00:14:58,944 --> 00:15:02,743
She slips. Smoke
was like everywhere. Proper thick.
204
00:15:02,864 --> 00:15:05,903
Even for me, and I vape big clouds.
205
00:15:06,024 --> 00:15:10,223
I thought, this is it,
game over for Kenny.
206
00:15:10,344 --> 00:15:14,383
Next thing I knew, Les had dragged
me outside, and I pissed myself.
207
00:15:14,504 --> 00:15:17,903
Right. So, I'll be in the office.
208
00:15:21,544 --> 00:15:23,863
All right, yeah.
Nice seeing you, Emily.
209
00:15:25,824 --> 00:15:27,543
It's Emily, man!
210
00:15:28,824 --> 00:15:33,623
# Is like any good playing card
211
00:15:33,744 --> 00:15:37,543
# Must be why I'm
thinking of Las Vegas
212
00:15:38,784 --> 00:15:43,343
# Why it's more brighter
than the sun is to me... #
213
00:15:55,744 --> 00:15:59,863
Hello? Emily, it's Derek Swallows,
Swallows by the Sea B&B.
214
00:15:59,984 --> 00:16:02,543
Ask her what time she's coming home.
215
00:16:02,664 --> 00:16:05,663
Emily, Jeannie and I are keen
to confirm a dinner reservation
216
00:16:05,784 --> 00:16:09,463
with us tonight. Say 6:45 for 7.
Tell her it's her favourite.
217
00:16:09,584 --> 00:16:11,063
Ask her what her favourite is.
218
00:16:11,184 --> 00:16:13,623
Yes, well, I mean,
we were thinking we'd have drinks
219
00:16:13,744 --> 00:16:15,903
and nuts at 6:45 and then...
Let me talk to her, Derek.
220
00:16:16,024 --> 00:16:17,503
I'm talking to her.
Let me talk to her.
221
00:16:17,624 --> 00:16:20,943
I'm actually speaking to her right
now. Sorry. Sorry, Emily, sorry.
222
00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:25,623
Sorry, I'm catching up with an old
friend tonight. Sorry! Bye!
223
00:16:25,744 --> 00:16:27,783
Hello?
224
00:16:27,904 --> 00:16:29,063
Oh, she's gone.
225
00:16:29,184 --> 00:16:32,743
Look what you've done, you silly
woman, we're all tangled up!
226
00:16:47,904 --> 00:16:52,583
Sorry I'm late, babes.
Our Craig's in A&E.
227
00:16:52,704 --> 00:16:56,783
Got his tackle caught up in a Dyson.
My mum is in bits.
228
00:16:56,904 --> 00:16:59,703
I wouldn't mind, but the same thing
happened to Dad last week.
229
00:16:59,824 --> 00:17:01,103
It's fine.
230
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:09,743
It's nice, isn't it? Yeah. It is,
actually. Know what they say?
231
00:17:11,344 --> 00:17:14,223
Red sky at night, shepherd's pie.
232
00:17:18,584 --> 00:17:20,623
Right. Chino's?
233
00:17:24,024 --> 00:17:26,743
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's karaoke night!
234
00:17:28,984 --> 00:17:32,303
So please welcome Talent Quest '88
quarterfinalist
235
00:17:32,424 --> 00:17:35,383
and cleared of all outstanding
charges,
236
00:17:35,504 --> 00:17:40,823
it is Terry Chino
and the lovely Magda!
237
00:17:40,944 --> 00:17:43,863
She's been deported! Just Terry.
238
00:17:48,504 --> 00:17:50,183
Welcome!
239
00:17:56,064 --> 00:17:58,463
# Don't go breaking my heart
240
00:18:03,704 --> 00:18:06,703
# Oh, honey, if I get restless
241
00:18:16,184 --> 00:18:18,623
# You take the weight off of me...
242
00:18:25,464 --> 00:18:30,343
Soup of the day, Madame! Wow!
That's very... green.
243
00:18:30,464 --> 00:18:32,303
Yeah, they call it Kermit's mess.
244
00:18:32,424 --> 00:18:35,423
You get your picture on the wall
if you can keep down three. Yes.
245
00:18:35,544 --> 00:18:38,743
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
246
00:18:42,464 --> 00:18:45,303
You all right, Emily, love?
You've a face like a wet towel.
247
00:18:46,984 --> 00:18:51,063
Tina, did you know my dad?
You what? My dad, did you know him?
248
00:18:51,184 --> 00:18:55,103
Yeah, of course. He was a local
legend. Everybody liked Les.Yeah.
249
00:18:56,544 --> 00:19:02,063
Not sure if I did. Barely ever saw
him. Christmas, the odd birthday.
250
00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:04,863
You know, sometimes
he'd just turn up at my flat,
251
00:19:04,984 --> 00:19:08,263
always had to be this big surprise
and I'd have to drop everything.
252
00:19:09,384 --> 00:19:11,823
After a while,
I stopped returning his calls.
253
00:19:11,944 --> 00:19:16,943
I just couldn't be bothered. Babes,
that's totally understandable.
254
00:19:18,744 --> 00:19:24,103
So why do I miss him
so fucking much now? Oh, darling!
255
00:19:24,224 --> 00:19:26,343
Darling, come here. Come here.
256
00:19:26,464 --> 00:19:28,623
You've done a right proper snot
bubble, though.
257
00:19:28,744 --> 00:19:30,303
I just can't believe he's gone,
Tina.
258
00:19:30,424 --> 00:19:35,743
Right, you're dribbling now,
OK? All right?
259
00:19:37,584 --> 00:19:41,823
And go again. Good girl.
Very good. OK. Good girl.
260
00:19:43,344 --> 00:19:46,783
I'll have one after I've finished
this. Half a lager.
261
00:19:46,904 --> 00:19:50,303
# Oh, oh, nobody knows it
262
00:19:50,424 --> 00:19:52,423
# Nobody knows it
263
00:19:53,584 --> 00:19:56,143
# When I was down... #
264
00:20:00,504 --> 00:20:02,583
Wind it on. Thank you, thank you.
265
00:20:02,704 --> 00:20:05,023
That's right, it is
karaoke night tonight.
266
00:20:05,144 --> 00:20:07,423
So form an orderly queue,
give your names to Wayne,
267
00:20:07,544 --> 00:20:09,263
and you could be stood
where I'm stood.
268
00:20:09,384 --> 00:20:12,463
But first, time to hit you with
another beauty from yours truly.
269
00:20:17,544 --> 00:20:20,983
# Especially for you
270
00:20:23,304 --> 00:20:24,903
Are you taking the piss?
271
00:20:27,824 --> 00:20:30,743
# And if dreams were wings,
you know I would have flown... #
272
00:20:30,864 --> 00:20:33,343
Listen. You've got to keep those
chins up, darling. All right?
273
00:20:33,464 --> 00:20:36,783
Because time?
Shit beautician, great healer.
274
00:20:36,904 --> 00:20:39,423
I don't know what I'm going
to be like at this bloody memorial.
275
00:20:39,544 --> 00:20:40,863
I've got to do a speech.
276
00:20:40,984 --> 00:20:43,303
Well, if you fancy it,
I'll come down with you, eh?
277
00:20:43,424 --> 00:20:47,223
Give you a little shoulder pad
to cry on. Really? Of course.
278
00:20:47,344 --> 00:20:49,903
Right,
now stick those straws in your gob
279
00:20:50,024 --> 00:20:52,823
and let's get you
on that bloody wall, please!
280
00:20:52,944 --> 00:20:54,583
Thank you!
281
00:20:54,704 --> 00:20:58,743
Mmm. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
282
00:20:58,864 --> 00:21:01,743
Mmmmm! Mmmm!
283
00:21:04,304 --> 00:21:06,463
# ..you too... #
284
00:21:06,584 --> 00:21:08,063
Bear with!
285
00:21:08,184 --> 00:21:10,623
We've got a technical problem.
286
00:21:10,744 --> 00:21:14,583
So remember,
it is two-for-one all night
287
00:21:14,704 --> 00:21:16,463
of the beautiful fishbowl cocktails.
288
00:21:16,584 --> 00:21:20,303
Fill your boots.
But don't, please, block the toilet.
289
00:21:20,424 --> 00:21:24,183
Wayne? What? What are you doing
to me? I'm on my arse up there!
290
00:21:26,144 --> 00:21:30,383
Is this about Magda? No.
It weren't me that got her deported.
291
00:21:30,504 --> 00:21:32,423
And the fact that she
asked for a cut on the door has
292
00:21:32,544 --> 00:21:35,463
absolutely nothing to do with this.
All right, all right.
293
00:21:35,584 --> 00:21:40,943
Hey, come here, you big baby!
Look, I know you liked her.
294
00:21:41,064 --> 00:21:43,183
There's plenty more fish in the sea.
295
00:21:43,304 --> 00:21:44,543
Eh?
296
00:21:46,024 --> 00:21:49,463
It's Wayne and Terry, isn't it?
Terry and Wayne.
297
00:21:50,744 --> 00:21:54,943
Hey, what time is it?
298
00:21:55,064 --> 00:21:58,463
Chino time.Uh-uh. What time is it?
299
00:22:00,304 --> 00:22:03,063
It's Chino time!
Good time guaranteed!
300
00:22:03,184 --> 00:22:06,063
Now, you give me five minutes,
line me up a banger.
301
00:22:06,184 --> 00:22:08,583
Let's raise the roof off this place!
302
00:22:17,624 --> 00:22:20,703
I am about to...
I'll do a bant in my pants!
303
00:22:27,624 --> 00:22:30,943
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You'll never guess who's here.
304
00:22:31,064 --> 00:22:36,343
It's only Nathan bloody Wylde!
You are joking! I texted him.
305
00:22:36,464 --> 00:22:39,943
You did what? Tina!
Oh, come on, fizzy knickers!
306
00:22:40,064 --> 00:22:42,263
You're telling me you couldn't do
with a little game
307
00:22:42,384 --> 00:22:43,743
of human Tetris, eh?
308
00:22:43,864 --> 00:22:47,303
Oh, God, is here now?
Uh-huh. Standing by the bar.
309
00:22:47,424 --> 00:22:50,223
He literally keeps looking over.
It's very weird.
310
00:22:51,824 --> 00:22:55,303
She's looking, she's looking!
All right, calm down!
311
00:22:55,424 --> 00:23:00,583
Have a swig and give her a wink.
Ah! Aaagh!
312
00:23:00,704 --> 00:23:02,263
Would you stop dicking about!
313
00:23:04,784 --> 00:23:09,943
Oh, God, he's coming over.OK.
Relax, relax, relax. Relax, relax.
314
00:23:10,064 --> 00:23:12,143
Emily! Remember me?
315
00:23:12,264 --> 00:23:14,623
Nathan. Tina said you were in town.
316
00:23:16,064 --> 00:23:18,583
Sorry, got a prick in my eye.
317
00:23:20,824 --> 00:23:23,663
Oh! No. Erm, not like a penis.
318
00:23:26,784 --> 00:23:30,663
Nathan, hi. How's it going?
Yeah, OK.
319
00:23:30,784 --> 00:23:32,583
Just out with some mates from work.
320
00:23:34,704 --> 00:23:35,903
I say mates...
321
00:23:36,024 --> 00:23:38,423
Well, I suppose it's about time
we let you bloody amateurs
322
00:23:38,544 --> 00:23:42,343
have a go, eh?! First up is Tina
Taylor. What a surprise!
323
00:23:42,464 --> 00:23:45,343
Tina, make your way to the stage!
Winner!
324
00:23:47,384 --> 00:23:51,183
It's Tina's time to shine, guys!
I'll leave you two to it, yeah?
325
00:23:53,584 --> 00:23:59,903
Erm, you've... you've got some...
Oh! It's just Kermit's mess. Oh! Ha!
326
00:24:00,024 --> 00:24:04,183
Kermit's mess! Like... Muppet jizz.
327
00:24:04,304 --> 00:24:06,783
Sorry, I mean semen. Sorry!
328
00:24:06,904 --> 00:24:09,903
Why am I talking about this?
329
00:24:10,024 --> 00:24:13,583
I'd like to dedicate this number
to the best shag in Sandylands,
330
00:24:13,704 --> 00:24:14,983
guaranteed.
331
00:24:15,104 --> 00:24:17,663
It's my BFF, it's Emily!
332
00:24:20,384 --> 00:24:23,663
# Ba ya ya ya ya ya ya
333
00:24:23,784 --> 00:24:29,183
# Ba ya ya ya ya ya ya
334
00:24:29,304 --> 00:24:31,743
# Ba ya ya
335
00:24:31,864 --> 00:24:37,983
# There used to be a greying
tower alone on the sea
336
00:24:38,104 --> 00:24:44,703
# You became the light
on the dark side of me
337
00:24:44,824 --> 00:24:51,063
# And love remained the drug
that's the high, not the pill
338
00:24:51,184 --> 00:24:54,103
# And did you know
that when it snows
339
00:24:54,224 --> 00:24:56,903
# My eyes become large
340
00:24:57,024 --> 00:25:02,743
and the light
that you shine can be seen?
341
00:25:02,864 --> 00:25:08,863
# Baby, I compare you to
a kiss from a rose on the grey
342
00:25:08,984 --> 00:25:14,743
# Ooh, the more I get of you,
the stranger it feels, yeah
343
00:25:14,864 --> 00:25:18,423
# Now that your rose is in bloom
344
00:25:18,544 --> 00:25:23,983
# A light hits the gloom
on the grey... #
345
00:25:39,184 --> 00:25:40,703
Oh, shit.
346
00:25:51,704 --> 00:25:54,383
There's no way that's 40 quid.
347
00:25:54,504 --> 00:25:57,503
Well, I might have some
change in here, if you... Narrgh!
348
00:26:03,904 --> 00:26:05,743
Stay lucky!
349
00:26:13,144 --> 00:26:19,903
Hello?
350
00:26:32,624 --> 00:26:34,783
Surprise!
351
00:26:34,904 --> 00:26:36,143
Shush!
352
00:26:36,264 --> 00:26:37,983
Calm down, it's your dad.
353
00:26:38,104 --> 00:26:40,663
No, you're not real, no way.
354
00:26:40,784 --> 00:26:42,863
You're meant to be dead!
Sorry to disappoint you!
355
00:26:42,984 --> 00:26:44,703
Shh!
356
00:26:44,824 --> 00:26:46,823
The neighbours will hear you!
How could you?!
357
00:26:46,944 --> 00:26:50,943
I thought you'd be pleased. Pleased?
You know, "Daddy's alive, yay!"
358
00:26:51,064 --> 00:26:53,303
If anything, it's me
who should be pissed off.
359
00:26:53,424 --> 00:26:55,343
Sorry?
Well, I expected you ages ago.
360
00:26:55,464 --> 00:26:58,743
I'm almost down to my last
Pot Noodle! Oooooh!
361
00:26:58,864 --> 00:27:04,143
Why have you got handcuffs on?
They're a friend's.Oh. Oh, my God!
362
00:27:04,264 --> 00:27:06,823
Oh, you... Don't be so pathetic,
Dad. Nothing really happened.
363
00:27:06,944 --> 00:27:09,383
Nothing REALLY happened!
Oh, stop it! We were just...
364
00:27:09,504 --> 00:27:11,303
I do not want to know.
Oh, grow up! I'm an adult.
365
00:27:11,424 --> 00:27:14,423
Can we get back on topic here?
Why are you not dead?
366
00:27:14,544 --> 00:27:16,703
Well, it's a miracle I'm not.
367
00:27:16,824 --> 00:27:20,423
I got myself into a teeny-weeny
bit of money trouble. How much?
368
00:27:20,544 --> 00:27:23,863
It's a tiny bit. A couple of guys,
not nice. How much, Dad?
369
00:27:23,984 --> 00:27:29,423
Two, maybe three. Hundred? Yeah.
Grand. You prick! Hey!
370
00:27:29,544 --> 00:27:31,703
I'm still your father.
371
00:27:31,824 --> 00:27:34,383
I figured we'd, you know, cash in
on a bit of the old life insurance.
372
00:27:34,504 --> 00:27:38,463
No harm, no foul. Fly off to Peru.
Peru?! It doesn't have to be Peru.
373
00:27:38,584 --> 00:27:40,183
What about the arcade?
374
00:27:40,304 --> 00:27:42,503
Yeah, good idea.
Thought about claiming on that.
375
00:27:42,624 --> 00:27:45,863
Things got a bit messy. Had to put
it out. The fire? You did that?
376
00:27:45,984 --> 00:27:53,063
It's all right. Kenny was fine. He
just got a bit wet. Grrrggghh! Shhh!
377
00:27:53,184 --> 00:27:55,663
Sierra Oscar.
Next-door neighbours reported
378
00:27:55,784 --> 00:27:59,023
some kind of disturbance.
Please investigate. Over.
379
00:27:59,144 --> 00:28:00,543
Roger that.
380
00:28:00,664 --> 00:28:04,223
Right, boyo, Tasers at the ready.
Time to kick some kids in the dick!
381
00:28:04,344 --> 00:28:05,663
Go easy on them, Trud.
382
00:28:05,784 --> 00:28:07,983
Thank goodness you're here,
we heard screaming.
383
00:28:08,104 --> 00:28:10,583
I received basic military training.
Where do you want me?
384
00:28:10,704 --> 00:28:12,743
Just stay back, please.
385
00:28:19,824 --> 00:28:22,263
Emily, please hear me out.
Forget it. I'm going home.
386
00:28:22,384 --> 00:28:24,623
This is your home.
Not for a very long time, Dad!
387
00:28:25,984 --> 00:28:29,343
I forbid you to go out of that door!
Get out of my way!
388
00:28:29,464 --> 00:28:32,663
Emily, you are to stay in this
house! Make me!
389
00:28:36,784 --> 00:28:39,503
Hello? Police!
390
00:28:39,624 --> 00:28:43,303
Oh, my God. Nathan.
Nathan? Stand back!
391
00:28:43,424 --> 00:28:46,943
Going to break the bloody door down!
392
00:28:50,064 --> 00:28:53,863
# How low can you go?
393
00:28:53,984 --> 00:29:00,623
# How low can you go? #
32445
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