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[music playing]

(SINGING) You've got to accentuate the positive,

eliminate the negative.

And latch on to the affirmative.

And don't mess with Mr. In-between.

You've got to spread joy up to the maximum,

bring gloom down to the minimum, have faith in pandemonium,

liable to walk up on the scene.

You will not stray, my last remark, Jonah in the whale,

Noah in the ark.

What did they did just when everything looked so dark?

Man, they said you got to accentuate the positives.

Eliminate the negative and latch--

KEN HYMAN: Hello, welcome back to "Group Hug,"

I am your host, Ken Hyman.

Touching you, touching me.

My guest today is psychologist and author Dr. Richard Clayton.

He has written a new book titled " Ready, Set, Let Go,

A Guide To Anger Management."

Doctor, you first applied the methods described in your book

to patients in your own private care, is that correct?

Yes.

I was trying to solve some of my own issues,

and while doing so I discovered something that worked so well.

I thought I would use it to help other people.

KEN HYMAN: I'd like to open the lines up to callers.

If anyone out there is dealing with anger issues,

Dr. Richard Clayton is standing by.

And we have a call. Hello?

MAN: Yeah.

I got a little bit of a problem.

OK, shoot.

MAN: You know what my problem is?

This used to be a rock station, and now we've

got Mr. Touchy Feely here talking out of his ass!

You suck, Hyman!

I'm going to slash your tires.

Don't cut him off.

Uh, caller.

What is it exactly about the show that makes you so angry?

MAN: That it sucks. - OK, good.

Now do you honestly think that slashing Mr. Hyman's tires

is going to make you feel any better?

MAN: Yeah.

Yeah, I think it will.

In fact, many of the things that we do when we are angry

don't make us feel any better at all.

They often make us feel worse.

We're in control of our emotions, not the other way

around.

First step to take control of our lives

is learning to master the emotional self.

What are you starting at me for?

Eyes front.

Let's go, jackass.

RICHARD CLAYTON: Now I'd like you to do something for me.

I'd like you to close your eyes, take a deep breath,

repeat after me.

Ready?

Ready.

Set.

Set.

Let go.

Let go.

Let go.

Let go.

How do you feel?

Let go.

Yeah.

I feel real good.

[crunching sound]

What, are you out of your mind?

[honking]

That's all the time we have for on "Group Hug" today.

I'd like to thank our guest, Dr. Richard Clayton.

The book is "Ready, Set, Let Go."

It's available at better bookstores everywhere.

I'm Ken Hyman, touching you, touching me, till next time.

You were great in there, doc.

Oh, thank you honey.

It's just-- it's all so exciting.

In three weeks I'll be married to the most

wonderful girl in the world.

Could life be any sweeter?

Yeah, you could be me?

[music playing]

(SINGING) Man you got to accentuate the positive,

eliminate the negative, and latch on to the affirmative.

And don't mess with Mr In Between.

No, don't mess with Mr In Between.

No, don't mess with Mr In Between.

DOUG CLAYTON: I don't think we have enough women in our lives.

Excuse me.

DOUG CLAYTON: I think that's copper.

Mercury.

DOUG CLAYTON: Mercury.

Well done, Ellen.

So, Ellen, pretty soon you'll be part of the Clayton family.

How does it feel?

Well, it's an honor.

I love your son much.

Oh Ellen, that's so very sweet.

But what do you think of Richard?

Ah, switch, two points.

Give it up, mom. Come on.

Not at the table.

If you ask me, the entire public welfare system

should be abolished.

RICHARD CLAYTON: That's easy enough for you to say dad.

You're white, and you're the son of a wealthy industrialist.

As am I. But some people are born

into disadvantage, because of their background,

or the color of their skin.

Or--

Yes, yes.

It sounds like the same bunch of typical liberal claptrap.

Thank you, Rosa.

Thank you very much.

You're a good woman.

Your people are a fine people, a proud people.

She doesn't understand what you're saying, Richard.

Everyone understands the language of respect, mother.

Give it a rest.

Have some brandy.

No thank you, Mitch.

You know I don't drink anymore.

How a son of mine turned into such a bleeding heart,

I will never know.

Maybe he gets it from his father.

Well if that were the case, then I'd

have no compassion whatsoever.

Not necessarily.

Eh, Mitch.

I think you've had one too many.

But isn't it time he knew the truth?

Truth about what?

Mitchell.

About the beat.

Bear?

What bear?

What, what, what is he talking about?

- Maybe it's best if I show you. - Mitch.

Mitch, get back here.

Where is he going.

Maybe we should just tell him.

Tell me what?

Richard, we didn't want to tell you like this.

But I suppose there's no easy way,

and with the wedding coming up, I suppose it's

time that you know the truth.

Rosa, [non-english speech].

Although we loved both you and Mitch equally,

and we raised both of you as our own,

I'm not your father, strictly speaking.

I don't understand.

What do you mean?

I'm not your biological mother either.

Is this is some kind of joke?

No, it's not a joke, Richard.

I'm afraid you were adopted, son.

Adopted?

But that's impossible.

Not necessarily.

I was up in the attic last night,

digging through some of our old stuff, and I found this.

What is this?

The orphanage found you on the doorstep

with just that one item.

You were only a few months old.

Now, let's not make a big scene, Richard.

Who's making a big scene?

You're telling me that I'm adopted?

Richard, lower your voice.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

It's in the past.

What difference does it make?

Well, I'm 34 years old?

Did it cross your mind that I would

want this information earlier?

What for?

So you could be traumatized?

RICHARD CLAYTON: Accept.

Let go.

[dolphins chirping]

Ready, set, let go.

You OK, doc?

Oh, I'm fine, honey.

I'm better than fine, I'm good.

Honey, what are we listening to?

Oh, it's a meditation tape.

Sea of serenity. Soothing, isn't it?

Yeah.

RICHARD CLAYTON: So, can you find them?

MAN: I've been doing this for over 25 years.

Well, how does one go about this?

In a case like this, where there's not a lot to go on,

we generally start by placing ads

in the papers of the town you were found in, posting notices

and such.

If they're out there, and they're alive, I'll find them.

Good.

Of course, the layout is fantastic.

I wish I had that much confidence in the publicity.

No, they're taking care of you.

In fact, there's been plenty of publicity

for this book signing on Monday.

In fact, they even took out a great big ad

in today's "Tribune."

Is that the picture they're going to use?

Yeah.

Such a stiff.

I don't really look like that, do I?

No.

Not at all.

[phone rings]

I'm sorry.

I'll just-- one second.

Hello.

AL SPICER: Spicer here.

Good news.

RICHARD CLAYTON: Yes?

Looks like I found your birth parents.

That's terrific.

Who are they?

A Frank and Agnes--

I may be mispronouncing this, Man-u-re.

Yeah, Man-u-re, that either would be French.

Where do they live?

Pekin, Illinois.

It's near Peoria.

That's just a few hours from here.

I'm sure they'd love to come out for a visit.

Want me to call to set this up?

Perfect. That's perfect.

We'll have a party.

I'll introduce them to everyone.

Oh, this is a nice one.

I hope so.

Richard wants everything to be perfect.

He gets that look on his face if it's not.

[rapid knocking] - Honey!

We found them!

Honey, we found them!

My parents!

[laughter]

They're going to come next week.

They're going to visit, we're going to have a party!

We found them, I can't believe it.

I don't know how they did it.

I have to run.

I have an appointment, but I'll call you later.

All right!

ELLEN MINNOLA: Any sign of them yet?

No?

Not yet.

I don't know what's keeping them.

[doorbell rings]

You must be the Manures.

Wow, I had no idea I was biracial,

but I've always identified with the struggle of the black man.

And now I know why.

So dad, mom, tell me about yourself.

I want to know everything.

Well, I graduated Berkeley in the Summer of Love.

That's where I met your mom.

I was a slogan writer for many of the popular protest

movements of the '60s and '70s.

Remember, save the whales, no nukes, peace?

Sure.

Those were mine.

Wow.

And I'm the founder of the Organization For Rethinking

Ethnocentric Opinion.

We are young.

Such good work.

You two are amazing.

And you're the son we've always wanted.

I try, mom.

I really do.

But tell me something, why did you give me up?

Well, it was all part of a sociological experiment.

We wanted to see if the child of open

minded liberal humanitarians like ourselves could flourish

in a family of narrow minded, hypocritical individuals

like the Clayton.

I always knew it.

And I must say that you passed with flying colors.

Congratulations, son.

We love you.

Hey doc?

Do I look OK?

I want to make a good impression.

Bunny, you look beautiful.

My god, they're going to love you.

I don't know how they could not love you.

You know, I'm the one who should be worried.

What if I'm a disappointment to them?

You have nothing to worry about,

because you are a great man.

You're going to be the best wife ever.

[bell rings]

Oh my god.

That's them.

Where's my jacket?

You're wearing it. - Right.

OK.

Do I look OK?

You look fine.

Relax.

I'm meeting my true parents now.

What do I call them, mom and dad?

No, just call them Mr and Mrs Manure.

Right.

Right, of course.

Of course.

You ready to go?

Frank Manure.

You must be our son.

How the hell are you?

How the hell are you?

This is quite a moment for us.

I'm sorry, what was that name again?

Frank

No, the part after that.

Manure.

Is French.

Ah.

Well, you must have the wrong house.

We were expecting the Man-u-res.

Richard.

And you must be Frank, Jr.

Frank Jr?

That's him all right.

I'd recognize him anywhere.

He takes after my side of the family.

You call them circus freaks you come from a family?

It's better than that white trash you come from.

- Shut the hell up. - You shut up!

I can't believe it's really you!

FRANK MANURE: Well, we sure got ourselves a family here.

How old are you, son, anyway?

34?

It was about that time when I started losing my hair,

but don't let it worry you none, because it's

a sign of virility.

By the way, when it comes time to shop for a rug,

I know a good place.

You just tell him you're my boy, he'll cut you a deal.

Well, why don't we step inside?

Nothing would please us more.

Can I help you with your--

This here's a cheese ball.

I made it myself for the occasion.

I hope you like it.

A cheese ball, very nice.

Well, back home I'm famous for my cheese balls.

I make the best cheese ball in town.

I can get you the recipe if you like.

Nobody gives a damn what the hell are you

put in that rat ball, except for maybe the Board of Health.

The Board of Health might care.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

(WHISPERING) He's an alcoholic.

I heard that.

We certainly appreciate the gesture.

Anyway, thank you.

Don't we, Richard?

Richard?

[whistling]

Well, you certainly have a beautiful place here, son.

It's got a certain gene e se qua.

Yes, siree Bob.

You must be really raking in the dough, son.

What's your racket, anyway?

I'm a psychologist and a writer.

Whoa.

Well how about that?

I knew these genes was good for something.

What do you write,son?

I write books about psychology.

You ever write a book about dogs?

I sure would really like a book about a dog.

No, I can't say that I have.

If you do you, let me know.

I'll buy it.

I just can't tell you how much Richard and I have

been looking forward to this.

I know Richard has a lot of questions for you.

Don't you, Richard?

RICHARD CLAYTON: I don't really even know where to begin.

You wore that damn hair net, didn't you?

I thought I told you not to be wearing that damn hairnet, when

we meet our boy.

Do you have any idea how ugly you look with that damned thing

on your head?

Any idea at all?

I told you I have to work the hairnet to keep my hairs out

of the cheese ball.

FRANK MANURE: Well I'm going to count to three,

and when I get to three, you better have that damned thing

off your head.

1.

RICHARD CLAYTON: Uh--

Two.

I ain't taking it off my head.

Three.

That's it.

I'm a-coming for it.

[shrieking]

All right.

Why don't we all calm down here.

I'm sure we can--

- Ooh! - Oh, Richard.

Oh, honey. - Are you happy now?

Are you happy now?

We just met our son not five minutes ago

and you go beat him in the nuts with that damn rat ball.

You're going to be all right.

Of course he's going to be all right.

He's tough just like his old man.

I wish I had a nickel for every time

I was laid low by one of them damn things.

I'd be a wealthy man.

Is there anything I can do?

Ain't you done enough already?

You're probably wondering why we gave you up, son.

Well, it's the same old story.

You probably heard 1,000 times.

Boy meets girl, they fall in love, girl gets pregnant,

boy gets arrested for impersonating meat inspector.

I'm sorry, what was that last part?

It's a long story.

We just thought that you'd have a better

chance in life with a family that could provide for you.

I hate to be the one to say this,

but I think the meat in this sauce has gone off.

It don't taste right

Oh, well actually it's not meat.

It's seitan permesan.

Satan's what?

No, seitan.

Richard and I are vegans.

That means we don't consume animal products.

Seitan's a form of wheat gluten, kind of hard to explain.

Honey?

I think it's very healthy.

I'm sorry, if you don't like it we can order out, or.

Oh no, we like it fine, don't we Frank?

Sure.

This is probably the best damned gluten I've ever tasted.

So, what do you do there, for a living?

You?

Oh, you can call me dad, son.

Hmm.

Well, I worked at the rodeo for a spell

till I got tired of all the bull.

Get it?

Bull?

Rodeo?

That one's so old it's got a beard.

So do you.

Anyway, after that, I took a job at the Peekaboo Carnival.

That's where i met your mother.

But lately, I've been selling a household

pest product door to door.

It's called Scoop.

Good stuff, that.

I got a case of it in the car if you're interested.

Oh, thank you.

That's very thoughtful.

So y'all planning on making us grandparents anytime soon?

Well, we have been discussing that option.

AGNES MANURE: Going to take more than discussing to get you

knocked up.

Please don't embarrass me in front of my boy.

In all seriousness, though, there

are some things you should know about our medical history

if you're fixing to, you know, propagate.

What do you mean?

It's just there are some things that could

get passed on to your young.

I myself suffered from a bacterial condition

called black foot.

Black foot?

You ever hear of athlete's foot?

Uh-huh.

It's that times 10.

Is both chronic and incurable.

Aside from that, there is the shrinking.

Shrinking?

Yes, ma'am.

The Manure men tend to shrink after 40.

AGNES MANURE: And on my side you get your mental afflictions

such as Tourette's syndrome, schizophrenia,

and a rare condition known as Cokie's disorder.

It's generally characterized by dementia,

the murder impulse, and an irrational fear

of natural fibers.

Well, if the Tourette's syndrome ain't kicked in yet,

you're probably in the clear.

But, I'd still keep an eye out Cokie, if I was you.

FRANK MANURE: We want you to know, son,

it's our greatest shame that we weren't there to raise you.

But we intend to spend the rest of our lives

making it up to you.

You really don't have to.

Oh, no.

We insist.

You're not losing your hair.

Doc, you want to talk about it?

Talk about what?

Oh, I'm fine.

Let's just go to sleep.

let me put it this way.

It's two days, and then you never have to see them again.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, that's better.

[mattress squeaking]

You have got to be kidding me.

[people moaning]

FRANK MANURE: Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy?

I sail on a sea of serenity.

[hair dryer blowing]

Morning, son.

Sleep well?

Yeah.

Great.

See you at breakfast.

Did you see my tube off-- oh, well there it is.

What are you doing over there?

I'm a Manure.

No, you're not, honey.

Yes I am.

I am a Manure.

No, you're a talented, intelligent man.

It doesn't matter where you came from.

I'm sure they have many wonderful qualities that have

just yet to reveal themselves.

But what are we going to do about this party?

I mean, I told everybody that we had a big surprise.

I can't introduce these people to everyone we know?

Good god.

Mitch would have a field day.

Oh, would you look at them critters?

Those two are humping?

Look at that!

Look at them go.

Hey, that reminds me.

Where's that pretty little gal of yours?

Oh, Ellen?

She's out running an errand.

I think she should be back any minute.

[chimps playing]

Going at it.

Hi.

Can I have 2 tickets to the Midsummer Night's Smackdown

The Rosemont Horizon please?

[dolphin sounds]

Junior, what are we listening to?

"The Sea of Serenity" a meditation tape that helps him

relax.

So, we have a little surprise for you two.

Oh, yeah.

For us?

Well, we didn't really know if you'd be interested,

but there's a big wrestling event going on.

It's the Midsummer Night's Smackdown.

Midsummer Night's Smackdown.

Yes.

And well, we went ahead and got tickets.

How'd you know we was wrestling fans?

Who isn't?

FRANK MANURE: Maybe it runs in the family.

So the show time is at 8:00, and we'll get you a map

when we get home I'll go--

You're going to come with us, ain't you?

Well we'd love to.

We're not able to.

We wish we could.

There's this-- it's like a meeting thing.

You wouldn't want to be here.

It's a lot of small talk and schmoozing--

Well, I don't mind schmoozing.

I grew up on a farm.

FRANK MANURE: It's just that we only have the weekend,

and we was hoping to kind of maximize

our quality time together.

Yeah, but this is just a couple of hours.

I think.

A couple of hours, right?

You OK, mom?

You look bored.

This place is like a funeral home.

I thought you said it would be casual.

Well, for these people it is casual.

[rock music playing]

Grab his shorts!

AGNES MANURE: Woo!

We should call them.

Hey!

Hey!

What?

Darling, I'm a little bit worried about the time.

It's getting late.

Relax, it's a long program. We have plenty of time.

We should try to speed things along.

I mean, don't these people have homes?

Oh, dear.

Do you happen to know what your mother

plans to wear for the wedding?

No, I don't.

Why do you ask?

There surely must be something in her closet with sequins?

Well, Mrs Clayton, if you feel so strongly about it,

why don't you ask her yourself?

Well, that there's no need to be defensive, dear.

I was just making a suggestion.

Excuse me.

DOUG CLAYTON: So, Richard.

What was this big surprise that you promised us tonight?

Big surprise?

Yeah.

You said you had a big surprise.

We're having a baby.

[gasping]

What?

Not now.

But she's not pregnant.

But we will.

She will be, someday.

Maybe tonight, who knows?

[nervous laughter]

DOUG CLAYTON: So, who's up for charades?

RICHARD CLAYTON: Charades-- dad it's kind of late.

Oh, it's not even 9 o'clock.

Let's play, let's play.

[screeching car]

What the hell is this?

[backfiring]

She got knobs on her?

I was just being friendly.

You know, you've been pushing my buttons all day long.

Really? Well, where's the off button?

There ain't no off button.

I'm going to keep going.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't know what you're selling.

But there's no peddling here.

Oh, we're not selling anything, young man.

We just come here to visit our son.

Your son?

Richard Clayton lives here.

That's-- that's our boy.

Frank junior. - You mean you're--

We're his parents.

Can't you see the resemblance?

Yes.

Of course.

Hi, I'm Mitchell, Richard's--

Frank Junior's adopted brother.

Oh, why didn't you say no.

Frank Manure.

This is my wife, Agnes.

How the hell are you?

How the hell are you?

Excuse me, what was that name again?

Frank.

No, the last name.

Manure. It's French.

Movie.

Yeah, it's a movie.

Second word.

Terror.

Uh, horror!

Nausea.

Fear.

Is it "Cape Fear"?

It is "Cape Fear."

Yes, I'm hot tonight.

Who's next?

Richard, I always knew you were number two,

but I never realized you were number two.

Swish, two points.

Hey, come one.

Richard, who are those people?

Just a couple former patients of mine.

Schizophrenic delusional.

I'll take care of it.

Well, your mother and her big mouth goddess for us

thrown out for making a ruckus.

She started mouthing off.

I was just being friendly to somebody.

Oh, don't give me that line.

You're flirting that usherette.

I refuse to be a party to your delusion.

Ha.

Can't even trust you around a plant.

Folks, I'd like to introduce Richard's very special guests,

his birth parents, the Manures.

It's French, you know.

FRANK MANURE: Merci beaucoup.

How the hell are you?

AGNES MANURE: How the hell are you?

What have you done?

FRANK MANURE: Well it's such a pleasure

to meet all you fine friends of our beloved son, Frank Jr.

That's Richard, Frank Manure Jr. to all of us.

Yes.

You know, Frank Jr. told us your was a bunch of stiffs.

But you all seem like right friendly folks to me?

FRANK MANURE: Damn right.

And any friend of Frank Jr. is a friend of ours.

By the way, all you nice people, if you

got any problems with critters, you just let me know.

I sell a fine product called Scoot.

It gets rid of your ticks, your fleas, your cockroaches,

what have you.

Just give me a buzz sometime.

Get it?

Give me a buzz.

MITCH CLAYTON: How very thoughtful of you.

Now, how would you two like to meet the nice couple who were

so kind as to raise Frank Jr.?

Oh, nothing would please us more.

MITCH CLAYTON: Excellent.

Mom, dad?

This is Frank and Agnes.

Meet Douglas and Arleen Clayton.

Oh!

I want to thank you on behalf of myself and my wife and I

for doing such a great job with Frank Jr.

Oh, we just love him to death.

Ah, he is a fine Christian man.

Yes, sir.

I myself am from the church of C and E. Go ahead,

ask me for what that stands for.

C and E. Ask me what it stands for.

All right.

What does it stand for?

Christmas and Easter.

Get it.

The Church of C and E is Christmas and Easter.

That's an old joke.

So's your face.

Hey Clayton, how about a swap?

She may have a few miles on her, but she

gets you where you want to go!

Does Arleen get you where you want to go?

I'll bet she does, you old devil.

She looks like she's got some great suspension.

Uh, guys, this is Angela Minnola, Ellen's mother.

Angela, the Manures.

Oh, what a pleasure.

I love your dress.

Why, thank you.

So when is that wedding happening, anyway?

Oh, we should probably get back to the game, right?

Who's up?

Oh, are you folks playing a game?

Yes, we were just playing charades.

You must join us.

Hell, yeah.

DOUG CLAYTON: All righty then.

Prepare, people.

I'm an expert at this game.

A movie.

"Mother, Jugs, and Speed?"

Is it "Mother, Jugs, and Speed?"

AGNES MANURE: Will you let the man get started?

Will you shut the hell up?

One, "Rocket One."

"How The West Was Won."

First word.

The.

First word!

Is that the first word?

That's the first word is the.

"From Here To Eternity."

Listening?

Listening?

Is it listening?

Is it sound?

Sound.

"Mother, Jugs, and Speed?"

Is it "Mother, Jugs, and Speed."

No, no.

"American Gigolo."

Oh, we saw that at the drive in.

Whoa.

That Richard Gere.

Oh he's, hot to trot.

[panting]

We are trying to play an intelligent game here, woman.

Wel then, maybe you should leave the room?

A little word.

Of.

Oh, that was very nice.

Yentl.

Is it Yentl?

I think it's the fourth word, Frank.

OK, fourth word.

What the hell is he doing now?

"Seven Year Itch."

What is?

He's holding his hands out.

Chest!

Chest!

Jugs!

"Mother, Jugs, and Speed!"

It is not "Mother, Jugs, and Speed!"

God!

Clayton.

Excuse me, how do you expect us to get

an answer with the quality of the clues you're giving us?

I don't want to be the one to say this,

but I don't think you're cut out for this game.

AGNES MANURE: Oh, don't be so hard on the man, Frank.

I mean, some people just don't have the aptitude

for this sort of thing.

This is ridiculous.

You sir are an ass.

Richard, I hope you will enjoy your real parents.

My dear.

Real nice party, Richard.

[door slams]

Whose turn is it?

You're dumb as a shovel, ain't you?

You know, Richard things are rarely as bad as they seem,

which makes tonight so unique.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

FRANK MANURE: "Leaven Las Vegas."

Well, guys.

I guess this is it.

We really hate to leave.

But I guess we'll see if the wedding.

Hey, you never told us the date.

Oh, didn't I?

Well, that's all going to be in the invitation.

Oh.

Good, good.

Son, I can't tell you how proud we are of you.

OK.

We are so proud of you.

You are a fine, fine man.

And Ellen, we never had a daughter.

But we feel like we got one now.

Thank you.

That's very sweet.

Yeah, the traffic really backs up right about now.

I can honestly say that this has been

the best two days of our lives.

We may have only spent a weekend together,

but we've loved a lifetime.

[agnes sobbing]

RICHARD CLAYTON: Yeah, it feels that way.

Now, you know you all can come can visit us.

I mean, it's only a trailer, but we'll sleep on the sofa.

I don't think that's going to be necessary.

Goodbye, y'all.

OK, bye bye.

Bye bye.

WEATHERMAN: Tornado touched down outside of Pekin, Illinois.

Drive safe.

WEATHERMAN: It looks the worst to hit our area in many years.

- Did he say Pekin? - Uh, no.

No, he didn't.

Drive carefully.

WEATHERMAN: The tornado touched down just

outside Pekin, Illinois.

It looks like the worst one to hit this area in years.

We are still waiting for information--

That's our park!

That's where we live.

There's our sofa!

Where?

Up in that tree.

AGNES MANURE: Everything we own is in that trailer?

Everything in the world!

Gone with the wind.

Well, you know the Dan Ryan really does start

to lock up at about 5:30, so--

Richard.

We have no home to go to, son.

That's it. - Oh, god.

This is awful.

I hope you're insured.

Oh.

No, I'm afraid not.

We ain't even got a bank account.

I don't believe in insurance.

And I don't trust nobody with our money,

I kept it all in the home.

Not to mention 50 cases of Scoot!

Oh, Lord!

Why should this tragedy befall us?

AGNES MANURE: What's going to become of us?

Is there anyone you can stay with?

Maybe a neighbor?

It's the streets for us.

But we'll get by.

We've been in tougher scrapes than this before, honey.

AGNES MANURE: I don't think I can through being homeless.

I can't.

Not at my age.

Richard.

Richard, can I speak to you for a moment?

OK.

We've got to do something.

Come on, Ellen!

I did my part.

I did the weekend.

I saw it through.

I want my life back.

What are they supposed to do?

Why can't they live in their car?

They live in a trailer home.

That's like a big car.

I cannot believe you.

What?

You are being completely heartless.

I mean, you are the one who's always speaking out

on the plight of those less fortunate,

and now you're ready to turn your own parents out

on the street?

Please stop calling them that.

OK, OK.

I know they're a little obnoxious,

but they really do seem to care about you

unconditionally, which is a lot more than I

can say for Doug and Arleen.

Wait a minute here, Doug and Arleen Clayton are good people.

They're fine people.

They may be a tad conservative.

But they're fine people. - Uh-huh.

Ellen, the wedding is in two weeks.

This is the worst possible time for this.

It will only be a few days.

The wedding is all set to go.

Come on, Richard.

Richard, you know this is the right thing to do.

Hmm?

Right?

Uh, folks, Richard has something you'd like to tell you.

Ellen and I just want you to know

that you're welcome to stay here for a few days.

Although if that makes you uncomfortable,

then we completely understand.

What can I say, son?

You've rescued us in our hour of need.

I guess family is the most important bond of all.

Nothing on Earth is more important than family.

OK.

FRANK MANURE: Oh my.

I'm so full of emotion.

So then you're not uncomfortable with this at all

then, no.

No. this is so good.

Honey, I found these in the garage.

They'll help you sleep.

No, I refuse to wear earplugs in my own house.

[distant moaning]

Well, I'll say one thing for them.

It's kind of sweet to see a couple that

have been together for so long that are still

so attracted to each other.

Sweet?

It's psychotic.

They're completely oblivious to the effect

that they're having on others.

That's all right, because it's not getting under my skin.

My feet have been a little itchy lately.

Do you think it's black foot?

You don't have black foot.

Black foot. It could be black foot.

Are you a podiatrist?

Stop pacing and come back to bed.

You're making me nervous.

All right.

AGNES MANURE: Who's my daddy!

Do you mind!

You ain't got nothing I ain't seen before.

Except a brain.

Hey, honey.

You OK?

Yeah, yeah.

So do you think they're going to start looking for a place

today? - Doc.

Yeah?

Could you at least try to like them for me?

Of course.

You know me, of course.

Do I look smaller to you?

[coughing]

If you get a chance, just remind her that there's

no smoking in the house.

FRANK MANURE: Where you running off to, son?

Nowhere, nowhere.

Just-- I've got some business in town.

Want to toss the ball around a little?

No.

I mean, I would love to, but I really--

I am running late as it is.

Oh, come on so.

All my life I dreamed about tossing the pigskin around

on the lawn with my only son.

Huh.

Well, I can't, Frank.

I really can't.

I've got a bad shoulder, too.

You know, I dislocated it once playing lacrosse.

That's no big deal.

I have bad knees, a bad back, got a bad heart.

Come on, let's play a little catch while I'm still alive.

I'm in a really good suit.

Let me just toss to you one time.

OK, all right, one time.

And then I really have to run.

One time.

Get the camera!

Wohoo.

Here we go.

It's a dream come true, son.

Oh, that's a very fine watch you got there.

You must be living right.

Thank you.

It was a gift.

Yes, it's a fine watch. Fine watch.

If you ever need another one, let me know.

Because I know a guy who sells them wholesale out

of the back of his car.

Come on, let's go, boy.

All right.

OK.

FRANK MANURE: Oh, looking good son.

OK.

Go long, son.

Go long.

Oh.

That was pretty good.

All right, here we go.

All right, son.

[shutter snapping]

Very nice.

You do this with Doug?

Oh, no.

Doug didn't really like to get his hands dirty.

Well stick with me, son.

My hands is always dirty.

Hit me hard.

Come on.

Come on.

Right here.

[crunching sound]

Oh.

What happened?

I think I dislocated my shoulder.

Hold still, I'll pop it back for you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You're not going to pop anything.

Trust me. I can do this.

I've seen "Lethal Weapon" 10 times.

Give me that.

Pop it.

He's good at popping it in.

No, no.

Frank, no popping.

No popping!

Almost got him that time.

Here we go.

I'm going to get you.

I'm going to get you!

RICHARD CLAYTON: Stay away from me!

Do I have more hair in this picture?

What?

Nevermind.

I just want to thank you, Dr. Clayton.

This book really saved my life.

Could you sign it?

I'd be honored.

Well, I can't read this.

Thank you.

Richard, are you sure you're going to be able to do this?

Yeah, yeah.

That's my boy.

Oh, they're done early.

Since when do you read "The Star?"

Oh, it's Agnes'.

It's very interesting.

Don't they have somewhere to go yet?

I'll gladly pay for a hotel.

I offered.

They won't take any money from us.

They're very proud.

Proud?

What are they proud of?

200 years of inbreeding?

They broke my arm.

My book signing was a disaster.

They're actually not that bad once you get to know them.

In fact, Frank is very handy around the house.

Agnes gave me wonderful recipes.

Recipes for what?

Pigs feet or possum pie?

[thunder]

Hmm.

Ellen this is delicious.

What is it?

Tempo roquette with a tofu tahini dip.

Do I have the best wife in the world or what?

And that's not all.

I have a special surprise for you.

Surprise?

I love surprises.

It's a cheese ball.

I made it myself with my own two feet.

What the hell?

[laughter]

No!

Your father say you're looking for a rug.

I can cut you a deal.

No!

No, this isn't happening.

Just shut the hell up!

Just shut the hell up!

You're not wife.

Yes, I am.

And you're my husband.

Lookie here.

Ah!

Like father, like son!

No!

No!

What's the matter?

Ain't you hungry?

Run, honey, run!

Ah!

Oh, Ellen.

I just had the worst dream!

Ah!

Son?

Agnes?

Are you OK?

I thought I heard a scream.

Yeah, I was just--

I had a nightmare.

But I'm fine.

Thank you.

Oh.

Don't cry.

Mommy is here.

OK

You know, there was a lullaby I used to sing to you

when you were a little baby.

Uh-huh.

Would it be OK if I sang it to you now?

And you can drift right off to sleep?

That's-- that's not necessary.

I don't--

(SINGING) Go to sleep my pride and joy.

That's very pretty, but--

Cause you're mama's those precious boy.

Little angel, stay in bed.

OK.

Happy thoughts dance in your head.

Agnes, I'm 34 years old.

Go to sleep my--

Thank you, Agnes.

Thank you.

Thank you.

My pride and joy.

There's another verse?

Point it toward me.

- Woo! - There you go.

- There we go. - Right there.

I'm getting it. - You happy?

Ellen, have you seen my watch?

What watch?

My Rolex.

I can't find it.

It's just gone.

Well, when was the last time you had it?

Last night.

I took it off, I put it on the nightstand like I always do.

You know what?

Frank was commenting on it yesterday.

Remember that?

He was admiring it.

Oh, Richard.

You can't be serious.

He stole my watch.

ELLEN MINNOLA: Do you honestly think

that Frank snuck him here in the middle of the night

and took your watch?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, he does have a criminal record.

You have to ask yourself, what kind of man

impersonates a meat inspector?

I've never been a sane person in your family.

ELLEN MINNOLA: You probably just misplaced it.

No, no, no.

I didn't misplace it, Ellen.

My father gave me that watch, my real father.

You always told me you thought it was too flashy.

That doesn't gives him the right to steal it.

Bye, honey.

Be safe.

I will.

Is this the Clayton residence?

Yes it is, but there must be some mistake.

We didn't order any meat.

Well, someone did.

Got an order here for a Franklin Ma-nur-ia?

Man-rooey?

[frank shouting]

My prime rib is here!

Finally. - Prime rib?

Yeah, from the Meat of the Month club.

Where you been?

I've been waiting for three weeks for this.

Come on, boy. Get in there.

Right in the kitchen.

Oh, I had to move out all that satan stuff

and make some room for it.

Come on.

Oh!

Ready, set.

Let go.

Yeah, stick it--

oh wait.

Um, Frank you want to see my Rolex by any chance, have you?

No, I didn't, son.

That's good.

Here, sign here.

FRANK MANURE: You don't have another like list

of meat stuff.

I'm just going to be downstairs,

working on my new book.

Downstairs in the office.

Fine.

I'll catch you next time.

Woo. It's hot as a pistol out there.

Woo.

I'm sweating like a whore in church.

You ain't lying.

You know, all that suntan lotion and naked flesh

gives a man some ideas?

Oh, yeah.

What are you getting at, Franklin Manure?

I'm going to be getting at you in a minute.

[agnes shrieking]

FRANK MANURE: Woohoo!

AGNES MANURE: Oh, my, honey!

Oh, honey!

[moaning]

Oh Frank.

Spank me!

Take it around a little, it likes that.

[moaning]

FRANK MANURE: Will you stop making them damn noises?

AGNES MANURE: Ain't you ever going to find my g-spot?

FRANK MANURE: Would you shut the hell up about your damn g spot?

AGNES MANURE: I think it's time to break out the Excalibur.

FRANK MANURE: The Excalibur?

AGNES MANURE: Well, I know I packed it.

FRANK MANURE: Let me look through the stuff.

Just relax.

Hold on, woman.

Hold on.

[buzzing]

Sounds like buzzing.

Is that coming from you?

AGNES MANURE: That's Excalibur.

I'd know that sound anywhere.

FRANK MANURE: It's coming from the closet.

AGNES MANURE: Frank, I think there's somebody in there!

FRANK MANURE: I'll go take a look.

Son!

Son?

Son?

You all right?

If you had any questions about sex, why don't you just ask?

I don't want to talk about it.

You're still our son no matter what.

I don't want to talk about it!

I just want you to know we understand.

We're here for you, junior.

Son?

Son?

Your mom and I were concerned.

You're the pent up type.

You got in touch with your emotions.

Go away!

ANGELA MINNOLA: It's beautiful.

It's not going to work.

Of course it's going to work.

No, it's not going to work.

Look how flattered your waistline is.

Mom, I'm not talking about the dress.

What's the matter?

I've been reevaluating things lately.

Well, that's only natural, honey.

This is a very big step for the two of you.

I'm just not sure Richard and I are right for each other.

Mommy, he always seemed so tolerant and so compassionate.

What do you mean seemed?

Well, I just don't understand why he's

so hard on Frank and Agnes.

I mean, I know they're coarse, and they

can come across a little too strong sometimes.

But I don't know, it seems like he wrote them off from day one.

Well, he really seems to love you.

I know he does.

When you love somebody, you gotta

accept them for who they are.

[phone ringing]

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

No, I'll get it.

Hello?

Hey, are you sitting down?

No.

Why?

The "Holly Davis Show" called.

They want you on the show Friday to talk about your book.

Holly Davis, this Friday?

MAN: Yes!

Deepak Chopra canceled.

He got appendicitis.

That's fantastic.

I know.

Richard, this is the break of a lifetime.

One appearance on that show can really

put your book over the top.

I'll call you tomorrow with the details.

Perfect, I'll speak to you then.

Honey, that's terrific.

Just wait till I tell my parents.

- Don't need, son. - We heard every word.

Just last minute thing fell in my lap,

and it looks like it could be a very big break.

Well, congratulations Richard.

That sounds very exciting.

Yeah, I'm sure you'll be a big hit with dissatisfied,

overweight housewives everywhere.

Seems a bit long in the sleeves, doesn't it?

Long, really?

Richard, your father and I've been discussing

this we both feel very strongly that these Manures have

got to go.

If you insist on continuing your association

with these horrible people, your mother and I

will not be at the wedding.

ARLEEN CLAYTON: There's only room enough for one

set of parents in this family.

Either us, or them.

The choice is yours.

Well, I assure you they'll be out by the wedding.

Mother.

Oh, come on.

They're fun!

[country music playing]

Excuse me, hi.

Get out of here!

Ow!

(SINGING) There's a tree in a dark place where it's

hard to make out my face, and it looks

to get you up against the bar.

Although my teeth are missing, when we started kissing,

you can't tell the difference in the dark.

Oh no you can't tell the difference,

can't tell the difference, you can't just

tell my difference in the dark.

Yeah!

All right.

Oh.

Son.

Whoa, everybody.

We'd like to introduce our son, Frank Jr.

[applause]

Frank-- I want you.

These are all my friends from the Peekaboo Carnival.

Son, these people just been passing through,

how about you sit down and relax with us.

No, thanks.

That's all right.

I would like to have a word with my fiance, please.

In private.

Hey, I'm 85 years old.

Congratulations

Thank you.

- I want them out now. - Oh, Richard.

Let's not go through this again.

No, no!

They've overstayed their welcome,

and I want them out now.

And I want all those people out with him.

Ellen, you had no right to let them

throw a party without at least consulting with me first?

Honey, I'm sorry.

They said they were going to invite a few friends over.

I had no idea it was going to be this elaborate.

A few?

That the entire cast of "Hee-haw" is down there.

OK, look.

They haven't seen their friends in a really long time.

Can we please just give them this one little pleasure.

They said they would wrap it up by 10.

10?

Ellen, I have a live national television

appearance tomorrow morning.

Fine, I'll ask them to cut it short.

No!

I've had it, and I want them out now.

These people are a plague.

Why do you hate them so much?

Why? Why?

I'll tell you why.

Because they are rude, they're crude, and they're intrusive.

They're the most dysfunctional people that I've ever met.

They're a biological and sociological mess.

It's who they are.

You just can't stand the thought you may be the offspring

of such common people. - That is not true.

You know what you are, Richard?

You're a snob!

Are you calling me a snob!

That's right.

I'm calling you a snob.

I am not a snob.

Yes you are.

You're a total snob.

Why don't you just shut up!

Huh!

You shut up!

You shut up.

Son, son.

It may not be my place to say, but you shouldn't be

talking to your wife like that.

A man's wife should be treated with respect.

That's right. A man's wife--

Will you shut up, you cow?

I'm just trying to tell him that a man's

wife is his castle.

His castle?

Yes, his castle.

If your brains was chocolate, you

wouldn't have enough to fill an M&M.

I'm trying to talk some sense here,

and you're going to mix in your metaphors.

AGNES MANURE: I'm just trying to help.

Well you can help by shutting up.

Get out of my house!

Get out of here!

Right now!

All of you! Party's over!

That's right.

Not one more minute.

Not one more minute. Out!

Out!

Party's over!

Everyone out.

Go on.

What are you, anyway?

Where do you think you're going?

I am going to my mother's, for although she

may not be perfect, I accept her for who she is.

Come back here!

No.

Come back here right this second!

Not you.

Ellen!

[bear grunting]

[music playing]

Welcome back.

If you just joined us, our guest today is Dr. Richard Clayton,

the author of a new self-help book titled "

Ready, Set, Let Go, A Guide To Anger Management."

[applause]

Ready, set go.

It seems kind of simplistic, doesn't it?

Holly, I can personally vouch for this program,

because it certainly changed my life.

So tell me, what was your life like before you

developed your system?

Well, I had a very, very, difficult childhood, which

led to some quite destructive tendencies as an adult.

I was prone to fits of rage.

Things finally came to a head when I had a nervous breakdown

at the age of 29.

And after being arrested for disorderly conduct

after some drunken binges, I realized

that it was time for a change.

I stopped drinking and eventually

completed my doctorate.

That's amazing.

It is true you haven't lost your temper in four years?

Yeah, actually, you could say that since I developed

these techniques, I've definitely managed

my emotions much better.

Richard, we have a little surprise for you.

A surprise?

HOLLY DAVIS: We know you've come a long way.

Your family must be very proud.

So we brought your parents here today to talk about the past

and how far you've come.

I beg your pardon.

In fact, they're here in the studio audience right now.

Shall we bring them down?

Hey, let's bring them down.

Come on now, folks.

Please welcome Richard's parents.

AGNES MANURE: Hello.

FRANK MANURE: Hi.

How the hell are you?

AGNES MANURE: How the hell are you?

Good morning, America!

Wrong show, ding a ling.

Shut the hell up.

Welcome to the show.

FRANK MANURE: Hi, hi.

Pleased to know you.

I'm Frank Manure, this is my wife Agnes,

and there's our boy.

That's him right here, Frank Jr.

There's been a terrible mistake.

These are not my parents.

These aren't your peers?

Oh, no.

Of course we're his parents.

I mean, I know I don't look old enough.

I mean in fact, a friend of mine recently told me he

had the skin of a 20-year-old.

That friend mention anything about your 50-year-old ass?

No, your name didn't come up.

[applause]

FRANK MANURE: Holly, we are so proud of our boy.

He's a chip off the old block.

As my daddy used to say, blood is thicker than water.

Now with all the alcohol in yours.

You know he tried a 12 step program once.

But he got so drunk he fell down the steps.

Pardon my wife.

She's got a mouth like a damn 7-eleven,

it's open 24 hours a day.

I'm sorry.

I just have to set something straight here.

These people-- you're not my parents.

My parents are Doug and Arleen Clayton.

HOLLY DAVIS: I don't understand.

RICHARD CLAYTON: These people are bio--

they contributed biologically.

So their biological contributors, yes.

Technically, they are parents of mine.

But they're not my parents.

My staff was informed that these are your parents.

Informed?

Informed by whom?

HOLLY DAVIS: Your brother Mitch, I believe.

At least I think he was your brother.

FRANK MANURE: Holly, you are going

to have to excuse our boy.

He's not himself today.

AGNES MANURE: That's right, on account of the trouble

he's been having.

HOLLY DAVIS: Trouble?

FRANK MANURE: It's no big deal.

He's just been having trouble with the little lady.

See, they're fixing on tying the not.

Just let it go.

FRANK MANURE: They had themselves

a little misunderstanding.

You should have seem him last night.

He was like a man possessed.

Let go.

FRANK MANURE: Yeah, but they love each other,

and I'm sure he didn't mean to scream at her like he did.

You know--

He's a good boy.

We're so proud of him.

We are so proud of him.

He's our boy, he's our son.

AGNES MANURE: He's a good boy.

We're so--

[shouting]

FRANK MANURE: Don't hurt the boy!

Leave the boy alone!

HOLLY DAVIS: We'll be right back.

[shouting]

MITCH CLAYTON: Hey, Jennifer.

What about tonight?

What do you mean you have homework?

You know, I never did homework.

Come here, you son of a bitch!

Ah!

I'll kill you!

I'll kill you.

I'll kill you!

It was a joke!

I never meant for it to go this far!

RICHARD CLAYTON: I'll kill you!

Chill!

Don't!

It's an Italian sweater!

Don't pull on it.

Go ahead.

Go ahead, hit me.

The truth is I've always been jealous of you.

You've done so much with your life.

I've done nothing.

I guess that's why I've always been such a prick to you.

Swish, two points.

[mitch groaning]

Wow.

MAN: There was chaos on the set of a holiday Davis show as one

of the guests went berserk.

Dr. Richard Clayton, author of a book on anger management,

blew his top during a taping of a popular TV talk show,

attacking his own parents on camera before a live audience.

I guess he should have called his book "Ready, Set, Go Nuts."

TV: And now, back to "Mother, Jugs, and Speed."

Well, there's good news and there's bad news.

Bad news is your publisher called, they want to drop you.

The book tour has been canceled.

Kmart has decided to stop carrying the book.

The good news?

You've been invited to be on Jerry Springer.

Really at my wit's end, dad.

Ellen's gone back to her mother, and I'd

like to come back to stay for a couple of days, if I could.

Just to get my head straight.

Richard, this is really not a good time.

We have guests.

This is your mess, son.

You're going to have to deal with it yourself.

ANGELA MINNOLA: Oh, Agnes, you really don't have to do that.

It's the least we can do, you letting us stay here and all.

You mean, it's the least I could do.

All you've done is sit there on your tail

eating all her damn Mallomars.

Shut your hole.

Still no answer.

We just feel terrible about this.

I mean, Mitch told us it was going to help his career.

Oh, sugar.

Is one little argument worth thrown

a whole wedding over for?

I just can't see myself spending the rest

of my life with him anymore.

I feel like he's not the man I thought he was.

Maybe you ought to go over there and see if he's OK.

Because he won't talk to us.

[agnes sobbing]

Aw, honey.

Richard?

[crunching glass]

Richard?

[dolphin sounds]

Oh, hi Ellen.

I didn't-- I didn't hear you come in.

Maybe you can give me a hand.

I'm making a cheese ball.

Uh, it's a lot harder than it looks.

I tried to call you but you--

Richard, is that meat?

Mm.

Barbecue pork.

It's meat of the month.

Little read meat is not so bad, time to time.

Honey, what are you doing to yourself?

I'm accepting my heritage, Ellen.

You know, I've had this thing all wrong from the beginning.

Why fight it?

I'm a Manure.

OK, you know what?

No.

What difference does it make?

I'm ruined anyway.

This is not the man I know.

No.

You knew Richard Clayton.

I'm Frank Manure, Jr. How the hell are you?

Richard.

This is crazy.

Well, runs in the family.

OK, well what about our plans?

We're supposed to get married?

We're supposed to--

And do what?

Bring more Manures in the world?

More Kokie Syndrome?

More Blackfoot?

[scratching sound]

No.

Thank you very much.

These genes stop here.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a cheese ball to make.

Well, fine.

If that's the way you feel about it.

Then you should have this back.

Goodbye.

That's how I know.

I'll be fine.

I'm in complete control of my emotions.

Ready, set.

Mom, he's so far gone I don't know what to do.

What happened?

He's a drunken wreck.

It's like like he's totally given up.

He's even eating meat.

Richard is eating meat?

Yes.

Red meat.

ANGELA MINNOLA: Well, he's not himself.

It's the fear of commitment.

It's the pressure.

ELLEN MINNOLA: No, no, no, no it's not.

It's the Manures.

He blames them for everything.

ANGELA MINNOLA: Aw, baby.

It's all right.

It's all right now.

It's all.

[doorbell rings]

Go away!

[crunching glass]

Get off my property.

We just come to get our things, son.

We won't be a minute.

Good news.

We're leaving.

The Peekaboo Carnival just offered us our old jobs back.

All right.

Stay there, I'll get it.

There's your stuff.

Now Just. go away.

You didn't happen to see my silver locket

laying around, did you?

It's shaped like a heart.

No.

Goodbye.

Just a second, son.

RICHARD CLAYTON: What do you want?

We would like to speak to you for a minute, if we could.

Just one more time, then we'd be out of your hair for good.

I promise.

I think what we have to say, you'll be very interested in.

I don't quite know how to say this.

Might as well just tell him.

Would you please just get to the point?

We're not really your parents, son.

What?

See, we always wanted kids, but we never

could have any of our own, and then

we saw that ad in the paper, and we figured

well, let's give it a shot.

No, you can't be serious.

We had to do some fancy talking around that detective,

but we're smarter than we look.

We never meant no harm.

So you mean to tell me that this past week, this entire

ordeal, was all based on a lie?

We realize now it was wrong, and we are very sorry.

RICHARD CLAYTON: Sorry?

You're sorry?

You ruined my life.

I could have you arrested for this!

I told you.

Well, son.

That's your choice.

But then we would have to stick around for the trial and all.

Otherwise, we'll just get out of your hair.

Perhaps you're right, Mr. Manure,

if that is your real name, which I hope for your sake to God

that it is not.

When I think of poor, sweet, trusting, Ellen,

defending the two of you, wait till I tell her about this.

You are the lowest people that I have ever met.

And I see you around here again, I will call the police.

Goodbye and good riddance.

ELLEN MINNOLA: I just can't believe they

would do something like that.

They seemed so genuine.

I mean, they seemed like they really cared about you.

Can we talk in private just for a second?

I was headed upstairs.

Mom, we'll be down in a minute.

Well, I guess they fooled both of us, huh?

But you know, this doesn't change the way

that you treated them, Richard.

You didn't even know they weren't

your parents at the time.

You really-- you really betrayed the values I thought we shared.

You're right.

Ellen, I'm ashamed of the way that I acted.

Most of all, I'm ashamed to the way that I acted towards you.

I just-- I couldn't accept the fact that I could--

that I could have come from people like that.

And I've paid a huge price for it, and not my career.

I got what I deserved there.

But Ellen, I don't want to lose you over this.

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

What happened to your watch?

I stopped wearing it.

it's too flashy.

It's really not me.

Doc.

Yeah, buddy.

Well, the rehearsal went great.

It's going to be a lovely wedding.

Thank heavens those horrible people are finally gone.

ARLEEN CLAYTON: We should be so glad those people

aren't your real parents.

I mean, can you imagine being stuck with people like that

the rest of your life?

They're just lucky you didn't have them arrested.

To the Manures, who could not be with us tonight.

I can only say, thanks .

ARLEEN CLAYTON: Cheers, cheers.

I hear this caterer we're using is wonderful.

DOUG CLAYTON: The Coolidges used them

for their daughters' wedding.

RICHARD CLAYTON: Lovely to see you.

ARLEEN CLAYTON: Good night, Richard.

You OK, doc?

You seem like you have something on your mind.

No.

You're not having second thoughts, are you?

No, absolutely not.

Good.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Be safe.

Ivesdale.

[music playing]

AGNES MANURE: Step right up.

FRANK MANURE: Step right up.

Step right up, win yourself a prize.

Tip them over.

Knock over the milk cans and win yourself a big prize.

You son, you look like you could throw a ball.

How about winning a prize for the pretty young lady.

Got a lot of nice prizes.

All right, three balls for $5.

Thank you.

There you go, lay into it son.

Oh.

Almost.

Little lower and to the left there.

Oh, no.

Here you go.

You've got to really lay your arm in to it.

You ain't trying hard enough.

Oh, too bad.

This is a ripoff.

Oh, you want to try again?

I bet I can knock you over easy enough.

Well son, since you're being such a good sport,

we want to give you a consolation prize.

Honey, dear?

Give him one of the consolation prizes.

A real nice doggy for the young lady in pink.

Here you go.

Treat the pink, your cotton candy.

Thank you.

OK, mingle up.

Thank you very much.

Real smart, Pop Tart.

First day back to work, you're already blowing the profits.

You know, you can save me some money on a costume

by working at the house of horrors.

Really?

You want to see some horrors, monkey butt,

I'll show you some horrors.

FRANK MANURE: Monkey butt?

AGNES MANURE: Monkey butt.

FRANK MANURE: Shut up.

AGNES MANURE: You better shut up.

I'd like to play.

Actually, I just wanted to give your locket back, mom.

Why did you lie to me?

You said that your problems started when we showed up,

so we just figured the best thing to do was to go away.

So you gave me up for my own good?

Again.

Can you ever forgive me?

Of course.

You're our son.

You're our baby boy.

Hey.

Come on, boy.

Hey, you still want to come to my wedding?

Oh, nothing would give us more pleasure.

Hey, when is that wedding, anyway?

It's about an hour and a half.

Where is he?

He should have been here an hour ago.

I wouldn't worry about it.

He'll show up.

FRANK MANURE: Whoa.

Here we go That's a good spot.

Don't be nervous, son.

Oh, you look so handsome.

I can't believe I'm actually doing this.

All I can say, son, is it if Ellen makes you half as happy

as Agnes has made me throughout the years,

then you'll only be half as miserable as I am now.

Don't make me whip your butt in front of a church.

Well, I better get in there.

Wish me luck.

Good luck, son.

Oh, you're going to be fun.

FRANK MANURE: Don't forget to say I do.

All right, I'll see you in there.

Kids.

They grow up so fast.

[organ music playing]

Hi, hello everybody.

Thank you for coming.

Weddings are a time when we come together

to celebrate new family.

As many of you know, I've recently had some additions

to my own family.

I'm very proud to introduce to you two special guests of mine,

who don't appear in your program, my birth parents,

Frank and Agnes Manure.

Please, welcome.

[applause]

[organ playing]

Look so pretty.

Thank you.

I'll explain later.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered

together to unite this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

FRANK MANURE: Is it--

Is it on?

AGNES MANURE: Well, the red light's on,

means the camera's running.

Wait a minute, what's this?

Oh.

FRANK MANURE: Here we are at the maternity ward,

waiting to find--

Oh my god.

Please.

What are you going?

Oh, no no.

FRANK MANURE: What do you got hanging there?

Oh, stop that.

Oh, here we go.

I love you.

I'm just so happy, and so excited

about Richard and my daughter.

Watch it, Spielberg.

And now for the horror portion of our program.

You better watch what you you're doing with that camera,

or else you're going to find some extra footage

where the sun don't shine.

So, anybody want to come in and say hello?

[cheering]

Oh my.

I'd like you to meet little Rufus Clayton.

RICHARD CLAYTON: Let me take the camera.

Here.

Angela how do you feel about being a grandmother?

He looks like a Harvard man.

Oh no, Yale.

FRANK MANURE: Papa Clayton passing by,

for crying out loud.

All right, I know.

Oh my god.

AGNES MANURE: He looks just like you.

Don't he look like me?

All wrinkled and short with his mouth wide open.

Don't mind her, she's the first one in her family

born in captivity.

There you go.

Oh!

FRANK MANURE: There you go, papa.

All right, papa.

Oh yeah, he's a manure all right.

[music playing]

(SINGING) Now I've never been mistookin for someone

who's good lookin, but I'd like to take

you walking through the park.

Although I know I ain't pretty, don't go from the city,

you can't tell the difference in the dark.

Oh no you can't tell the difference,

can't tell the difference.

You can't tell the difference in that dark.

Although you're above me, still you're

going to love me cause you just can't tell

the difference and the dark.

There's a tree out in a dark place, where it's

hard to make out my face, and I'd love

to get you up against the bark.

Although my teeth might be missing,

when we started kissing, you can't tell

the difference in the dark.

Oh no you can't tell the difference,

can't tell the difference, you can't tell

the difference in the dark.

Although I ain't dreamy, you ain't

going to see me, because you just can't tell

the difference in the dark.

No you just can't tell the difference in the dark.

[music playing]