Original subtitles

Steve: Now, I see you're really starting to feel

some of the ayahuasca, because your eyes are dilated.

Yeah. I feel weird.

What would you say to Rachel that would help her?

[ Voice breaking ] "You didn't deserve any of it.

Hang in there. It gets a lot better."

And Rachel knows all the answers.

Steve: I've been a lot of things in my life.

I've been a bank robber, and a prisoner.

But being a shaman is my calling.

Ayahuasca is a Schedule 1 narcotic ‐‐

the same as heroin and LSD ‐‐ but it's not a drug.

It's medicine.

And in my church, it's a sacrament.

We can do in 2 days what conventional therapy

may take years to do,

but only if you are willing to step into the pain.

I chose to offer ayahuasca in Kentucky.

It would have been much easier to do it in LA, New York,

but I chose right here in a bright red state

with a conservative Christian base

because these people need it the most.

What's going on in Kentucky I take very personally.

Many cities in this country

have a higher population than my entire state,

and we are among the top 10 states

with the highest opiate‐related deaths.

Deaths from opioid overdoses

have more than quadrupled since 1999.

Some of the most severe devastation

has been right here in Kentucky.

As a medicine person and shaman,

I'm sitting here talking to people ‐‐ soldiers, military,

you know, all kinds of strong people, who...

They can't get rid of this, you know?

It is beating them.

It is taking everything from them ‐‐ everything ‐

and I couldn't understand how opiates

gripped these people so hard.

You know, it's real easy for me to go,

"Just say no," when I don't understand.

So, the only way I could understand was,

I had to go get addicted.

And that's what I did.

I went and bought a bunch of Percocets

through street suppliers,

and I started off with two in the evening and a drink.

And I'm going to tell you, it felt damn ... good.

I ain't gonna lie.

I had a fine time.

Then, the next night, you know what?

I ate three.

And that went on for weeks,

and I'm increasing the dosages as I'm going.

And as I get to the end of my 30‐day little trial,

I'm up to six pills a day.

I'm drinking right with them,

I'm staying stoned all day long.

And then, I'm stopped.

And I stopped cold‐turkey.

And I'm gonna tell you,

I went through the physical withdrawals for 2 weeks,

and they were brutal.

You had diarrhea.

Sometimes, your brain would wake you up

in the middle of the night with fake pains,

and the first thought in your mind was,

"Just eat a Percocet, and it'll all go away,

and you'll go back to sleep."

Your brain turned into your enemy.

Your brain started trying to get you back on the pills

because it enjoyed it so deeply.

And there's a spirit to it that whispers to you,

that tells you, "Come on. You can do it.

You know, just take another one."

And that's when I realized it's a disease,

and I've got to view it as a disease.

I then, I done some ayahuasca,

and she lifted it totally away from me.

Mother Aya relieved a lot of my withdrawal symptoms

in one journey,

but it still almost whipped my ass.

And from that day forth, I have compassion for them.

Opiate addicts, they're facing something that is deep,

hard to deal with, and hard to come back from.

But it's possible.

Angela: My dad made my life hell for most of my life,

and I've been dealing with that for quite a while.

I have never done an ayahuasca ceremony before.

If it could cure my complex post‐traumatic stress disorder,

then I will be very, very happy.

Complex post‐traumatic stress disorder

is essentially post‐traumatic stress disorder,

but for people who have been experiencing a trauma

for a very long period of time.

You don't want to be there. Your brain knows this,

and it will do whatever it can to get you out,

even if you, yourself, the body, can't.

A symptom of complex post‐traumatic stress disorder

is, essentially, that I'm kind of off

from how I feel and what I think.

My number‐one priority coming to Aya Quest is to feel again.

Even if it's a bad trip, it would be nice to feel something.

♪♪

Kevin: For the first time in my life,

I have somebody that has my back and loves me,

but he is not aware that I'm using heroin.

Drug abuse is something that you learn to lie about,

and that's where I've been for a long time.

After a while, you start to lose track of all the lies

that you've told.

Oh, good, there's tissues.

The last time that I used heroin was 2 days ago.

The initial onset of the withdrawals

have started to kick in,

so I used an opioid pill yesterday

just to get through it.

It's important for me to get clean

so that I can experience love and be able to honestly be there

for the people that I care about.

Teri: Well, now that we have everyone here,

the first thing I will have you all do

is go over your applications for me.

Please make sure that you have not neglected

to tell us anything, you know?

If you have taken anything within the last 24 hours,

I really need to know.

Our primary concern is keeping you safe.

Thank you. ‐You're welcome.

So, when was the last time that you took anything?

Kevin: Um, about 4 days ago.

I had a little bit of a relapse.

What was it that you took a few days ago, sweetie?

I took a little bit of heroin.

That's all it was?

That's all it was.

All right. Um...

you should be all right.

You know, heroin a couple of days

before a ceremony is not a concern,

because it's gonna be out of his system.

Pharmaceuticals are a different story,

because some of those can last much longer in the body.

The combination of ayahuasca and prescription drugs

can be deadly.

All right.

So, if you all would like to grab your bags and follow me.

I wasn't honest because I didn't want to be

kicked out of the ceremony,

and partly because I've been lying about it for so long,

it's just a natural thing to do.

So, here is where you all are gonna be staying

for the next couple of days.

Go ahead and find you a bed.

Teri: In this group, we have Kevin from Oklahoma,

Angela from California, and we have Tina from Texas.

I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety.

I think what leads up to those depressed feelings

is feeling unworthy.

I've had a guy tell me once that,

"You attract certain guys because they can tell

that you're broken."

My intention here is to, hopefully, find more love

for myself, and more self‐compassion.

Steve: Hello. My name is Steve Hupp, Chief Shaman

of Aya Quest Native Americas Church,

and thank you for coming.

We're looking forward to working with all of you.

Mother Aya is a very real presence,

so don't approach her like a vending machine,

like you're here to put a quarter in a slot

and get a treat,

because that will do nothing but piss her off.

We're gonna do your first dose.

About 20 minutes after that, we'll do a second cup.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

Will it warm up in here? I'm freezing.

I think it's because I haven't eaten.

Going through withdrawals,

your body is going through a lot.

Right now, this very moment, I feel awful.

But in the back of my mind, I just kept telling myself that,

"This is what needs to happen. It's gonna be okay.

You're fine."

♪♪

Ayahuasca is a hallucinogenic tea

made with plants from the Amazon,

and it is the strongest psychedelic known to man.

But this isn't like LSD.

Ayahuasca is a portal to your inner self ‐‐

your subconscious. And through that portal,

you're going to meet a goddess we call Mother Aya.

When your journey first takes off,

you may feel euphoria, until boom!

The spike hits, and the purge begins.

You may laugh, you may cry,

and you may do both at the same time.

You may puke or shit.

But each of those purges

are a physical manifestation of an emotional release.

That's when you truly find healing.

I'm not hallucinating hallucinating,

but when I look at the black tablecloth,

I see, like, symmetry and kaleidoscope.

It's like an overlay.

‐Yeah. That's a beautiful thing. ‐It's a beautiful thing.

Everything is beautiful.

Kevin: I'll need to get up and walk around occasionally,

because my back... ‐Mm‐hmm.

...is jacked up. So, these chairs are...

‐Okay. ‐...really making it uncomfortable.

Teri: Yeah. I mean, if you want to stand up and walk around now,

you're more than welcome to.

My entire adult life, I have kept secrets, lied to my family.

Growing up in Oklahoma, my dad was homophobic,

and I just felt like he didn't like me

or want me if he knew that I was gay.

It feels very lonely to keep it to yourself,

to carry that secret around.

Getting into my early teenage years,

I started being molested by somebody who was a grown adult.

He was 30 years old at the time, or close to it.

There was a part of me that enjoyed it.

I mean, it was wrong, it was bad,

but, you know, physically, it was pleasurable.

At that age, I don't think my brain was developed

well enough to know how to process what was happening.

And I made some new friends,

and they introduced me to methamphetamine, alcohol,

and I just dove in headfirst.

I liked it. I liked the way that I felt.

I didn't feel guilty.

I didn't feel like people were looking at me funny.

I didn't feel self‐conscious.

I just felt good.

And in a time in my life where things weren't so great,

I found drugs to be the easiest solution.

But, you know, I'm exhausted,

and I don't want to do it anymore.

‐You okay? ‐Yeah.

There's a lot going on right now.

Steve: Anything that he doesn't want to tell me,

Mother Aya is gonna whisper it right in my ear.

Kevin: Oh, God. Oh.

O0 C1 ♪♪

♪♪

‐Are you ready, sweetie? ‐Yes.

All right.

Steve: Kevin is here because of his addiction to opiates,

which is preventing him from moving forward

in his relationship with his partner.

We've set up a montage of positive gay images.

This photo montage is gonna help Kevin see

that he doesn't need drugs to help him cope anymore.

He needs to focus his energy on what's in front of him,

which is love.

Before you get going here, we'd like you to go ahead

and drink your second cup of ayahuasca.

Kevin: Okay.

Kind of get settled in, get your water.

Good job. Excellent.

Good.

And we kind of set up this little photo collage for you,

because we kind of wanted you to get refocused

on what you could potentially miss out

if we don't really get serious about this opiate addiction.

Now, looking at these pictures here, tell me ‐‐

tell me about that picture.

It looks like a real happy you in that picture.

I was happy. I was hosting a fund‐raiser

for an organization that I work with.

It was his first time, maybe second time to go with me.

But that's who he is. He's supportive.

Anything that I do, you know, he's right there next to me.

Sounds like a phenomenal guy.

He is.

How long have you and him been together?

Gonna be 3 years in October.

‐Congratulations. ‐Thank you.

Normally, if I'm not around him,

I'm looking for drugs, looking for a fix.

I don't think he knows about the heroin,

but he knows that I had a pill problem.

When was the last time you were happy?

I don't know.

I don't know if I've ever actually been happy.

I don't know that I ‐‐ I don't know.

It's been so long since I've even cared about being happy.

I focus on getting the bills paid.

You focus on getting your drugs, right now.

At times, you lied to that guy you loved,

because that's what addicts do.

That's how we get the money. That's how we hustle bills.

You okay? It's all good.

There's a lot going on right now.

That's all good.

You are worthy and deserving of finding

that peace free of judgment, free of all that,

and you can give that gift to yourself.

...

‐What's up? ‐The bricks.

I mean, just, everything. There's so much going on right now.

That's all good. That's all good.

I do think I should get back down the stairs, though.

Okay. Well, we will...

‐Okay. ‐...go ahead and move you back downstairs...

‐Let's do it now. ‐...right now.

Sitting there talking with Kevin,

I kind of got the feeling he wasn't giving me

the whole truth.

But when you're dealing with an addict, that's normal.

Consciously, while he's trying to evade,

Mother is working through him right now,

and there's no evading her.

I know Mother Aya is the real truth serum,

and anything that he doesn't want to tell me,

Mother Aya is gonna whisper it right in my ear.

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

Teri: My first impression of Angela ‐‐ She was incredibly child‐like.

Most of the people that come in have had,

you know, stuffed animals of some sort,

but she brings in a big baby doll.

To me, it's indicative of abuse as a child,

because that baby doll becomes her security blanket.

That's her safe place.

Angela: When I had that first cup of ayahuasca,

I just felt a sense of serenity.

I was feeling pretty relaxed for the first time

in a very long time,

as someone who is not exactly prone to relaxation.

When I was 11, my mom and dad were arguing,

and he ended up running across the room

and punching her in the nose, which broke her nose,

and she flew into the sliding glass wall.

And I just stopped existing, as in ‐‐

I just wasn't there anymore, and I wasn't...

I didn't have to be there in my head.

One time, my dad was just like,

"Angela" ‐‐ like, he said in Chinese, like,

"You should kill yourself, so I don't have to kill you,

and I wouldn't have to go to jail."

I was hit a lot, but it didn't traumatize me

as much as being afraid my mom would die,

because I loved her the most.

Like, she was my best friend.

The one thing I want is my mom alive.

Like, that's literally all I really want in life. Like...

And it's kind of sucky, because everything life gave at the time

was threatening to take her away.

♪♪

Walter: If you want to go outside on this back patio

for a second, we can.

[ Whispering ]

I noticed you're having some withdrawal symptoms.

Are you okay?

Kevin: Yeah.

Do you relapse?

I'm not doing heroin anymore, but I'm popping pills...

Right.

...to keep from going through the withdrawals.

I've fought that battle myself, so I know what it's about.

So, when is the last time you used?

Yesterday. Yesterday.

Yeah.

Oh.

Let me go back in. I'm tired.

♪♪

♪♪

I just wanted to see how honest he was willing to get.

He's been using pills.

Teri: I don't like the fact that Kevin

has prescription drugs in his system.

You know, we're responsible for his safety and well‐being,

and he is in full‐blown withdrawal.

He's got ayahuasca running all through him.

He's putting us in a really bad spot here,

and putting himself in a very dangerous situation.

Ugh.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh.

Ugh. Oh!

Ugh! Ah.

Oh.

Ugh. Ugh.

When Kevin revealed to Walter that he had taken an opiate

the day before our ceremony,

I've got to be honest with you ‐‐ it scared me.

Ayahuasca and opiates can be a deadly combination.

I don't know what opiate he ate.

So, now, I've got to shift from shaman,

and I've got to tell my medicine people

we're not so concerned with him spiritually, at the moment,

as we need to be observant for his physical safety.

Teri: Just breathe.

Oh.

When was the last time you used opiates?

Teri: If you're not being honest with us,

you're kind of tying our hands.

I understand.

O ♪♪

♪♪

Angela: Today, I'm feeling really tired, really relaxed, really peaceful.

I brought Rachel because she is my one and only baby.

Rachel has been through a lot with me.

I remember primarily why I played with Rachel

as a kid was, like, she barely talked.

The only thing she said was almost repeatedly, like,

"I love you, Mommy."

Because it was nice to be reassured that,

you know, she did love me.

To me, she is real, because I love her.

And when I love someone, that's when I realize,

"Hey, like, they are as real

and as precious as my experiences are."

And I really let that go, now, can I?

[ chuckles ]

Mm.

♪♪

Tina: I am feeling very relaxed and still very open from last night.

I feel a little more comforted, even in the little

space and time that I did have with the medicine.

I was loved as a child.

I had a very good upbringing, and a sense of being cared for.

However, early on in my childhood,

there was the sexual abuse that occurred when I was 3.

The man who did it also abused my sister and my mother.

We went to the police, and they didn't believe us.

We actually went to the hospital,

and I remember the doctor, like, blowing bubbles to distract me,

and I was way too young for things

to be going on down in that area.

And that, unfortunately, wasn't proof enough.

My mom's broken nose wasn't proof.

I feel, because authorities didn't believe us,

I would question, "Am I safe?" or like, "Who do you depend on?"

And, uh, definitely caused some trauma years after,

and, I would say, still, today.

What I'm looking forward to most after this

is rewiring my brain

to be able to have a different perspective on things

that have happened in my past.

♪♪

♪♪

I try to trust everybody that sits down

in that table one time.

I give them my trust first,

and it's up to them with what they do with it.

But that doesn't mean that I'm stuck on stupid, or my team is.

We're listening to every word you're saying.

And that's why we had to stop and hold Kevin accountable.

You didn't tell anybody the truth,

and then, you tried to manipulate your way through.

You were hustling, and Mother Aya

was kicking your ass all over the corner.

And I'm not sure you can take another night

with Mother Aya in the ring.

Please, have a seat.

Last night, I observed you going through

some really rough purges.

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐I mean, some really intense...

‐To say the least. ‐...withdrawals.

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐Would that be a correct word?

Maybe an understatement.

‐Okay. ‐It was a rough night.

How do you feel today?

The aches, the pains are gone.

I'm still having some cramping going on.

I'm hoping tonight is a night where I can, you know,

have the gentle hug or whatever. But I'll take whatever I get.

Okay. Let me ask you ‐‐

When was the last time you used opiates?

We're not here to judge you.

We're here to help you. But if you're not being honest with us,

you're kind of tying our hands.

I understand.

You see, like, what if, today,

we were talking to the coroner about Kevin?

In my hotel room the day before we came here,

I took a hydrocodone to kind of curb

the withdrawals that were starting to set in.

Why did this not come up until now?

I know that I wasn't completely honest

and up‐front about the fact that I was going to be detoxing.

I didn't want to lose the opportunity.

Right now, I have no idea what's in your system.

I know what you're telling me,

and I know what you told me the whole application process.

Every glass we hand out, we risk everything we own,

which means we have to be able to trust who we're working with,

because there's no ayahuasca insurance.

There's no liability insurance you can purchase for DMT.

So, we risk, all of us,

everything we own with every cup,

that your honesty is that important,

because people have died in this country by careless operators.

So, tonight, we can't work with you,

and I'm going to have Walter and Nik assist

in helping you be escorted from the ceremonial premises.

Thank you so much. ‐Thank you.

‐I'm sorry, Kevin. ‐I'm sorry.

No hard feelings whatsoever.

It's never easy for me to make that final call

to throw somebody out of a ceremony.

I mean, it's really difficult for me.

Because I wanted to help heal Kevin.

I wanted to be a part of that.

Mother Aya did, too. But I can't risk Kevin,

and I can't risk Mother's existence in America

for Kevin's lack of concern.

Kevin: My general feeling, right now,

is just a feeling of disappointment in myself.

The one thing that I'll take out of this is,

it did give me the opportunity to be completely open and honest

with my partner, who has been my rock.

And I had a tough conversation with my fiance

about why I was here.

He found out about the heroin use just today.

He didn't know anything about it.

And I said things in my interviews

and on camera that I hadn't told anybody.

So, I think, at the very least,

the circle of lies has been broken.

♪♪

Steve: It happened. He got away with it.

It sucks. And it just is.

And just cut that ... knot, and let it go.

O0 ♪♪

♪♪

I want to address why Kevin is not here.

And that is because we had some inconsistencies

with the information that he provided,

and we cannot safely proceed.

Not the way we wanted it, but it just is.

And so, I've learned, you just roll with it.

But that's how we'll be rolling tonight.

Tonight, we expect you to have a deeper experience.

This ain't no little thing.

It's sometimes scary. It's, most of the times, intense.

But at the end of the day,

I know nothing that will put you further down your path

than these 2 days with this medicine right here.

♪♪

Tina is here because she has suffered child abuse

and sexual abuse early in her life.

She went to the police.

She did everything right, and no one does a thing.

So, we set up an arena of introspection.

I want to use colored lights and mirrors

to bring different viewpoints as she's looking at herself

to see the good within Tina.

I want to take Tina deep within herself so she can make peace,

so she can embrace all of herself.

And just please have a seat.

We're gonna guide her to a different view of Tina.

The acorn that held the tree that is behind you held

everything that that tree needed to become what you see now,

just as you were complete at the moment of conception.

That's part of finding your inner wholeness.

The foundation of all depression is anger turned inward.

What were you angry at yourself about?

At the fact that he got away and that it was in part

because I couldn't tell the police what happened.

You did everything right,

and the world was wrong at that moment.

You can't change that.

It happened. He got away with it.

It sucks. And it just is.

But you can fight that battle for the rest of your life,

and throw away a lot of good things trying to figure it out,

and go through the conundrums and the mental gymnastics.

Or you can just cut that ... knot, and let it go,

and move on with your life as you reconstruct it.

And that is the gift you can give Tina.

♪♪

What's the Tina that's looking back at you right now?

Strong, and has a lot of courage.

I love my openness, and my ability

to see things from other views, and my love for people.

I see a Tina who ain't looked away one moment, not one moment.

Ain't looked down. Ain't looked up.

She has sat here and bravely and courageously

looked dead in her own eyes.

Teri: And I want you to think of how far you have come.

And I want you to remind yourself

that, you know, you no longer need to cope in unhealthy ways.

And I want you to just think of how much you love yourself,

and how good you have done thus far.

It's not often that we sit and look at ourselves, you know ‐‐

like, really look at ourselves.

And I think with, you know, all of the...

the positive things

that were brought to her attention at that time,

and the fact that the ayahuasca was starting to kick in on her,

you know, it just kind of amplified those good things.

And I think she really needed that.

Tina: I could feel Mother Ayahuasca

move through me.

I stepped into that ‐‐

that other realm of being deeper inside within my mind and ‐‐

and soul ‐‐ and just, more connected.

In that setting, I was starting to feel,

like, very airy, and colors were just more vibrant.

And I saw, like, yellows, pinks and purples

that were in symmetry of, like, squares,

and they were all connected, going different ways.

I felt like, I could, like, touch it, but not.

And I, you know, was viewing it, yet I was, like, a part of it.

Inside that journey I was going through,

I felt like I was, like, a seed in the ground.

And any time I felt like I was ready to grow,

I wanted to shed it back.

Like, I wasn't ready to sprout yet.

And then, after a while,

I just kind of felt like I was being held.

I just was curled up in a ball, and I felt so comfortable,

and just, like, "You got this," and "You can do it."

And I do have a great, big life ahead of me.

This is just the start.

18 years you've had this baby.

That's nuts. Holy crap.

She's a grown‐up now.

Do you care if I hold Rachel?

O0 C1 ♪♪

[ Angela laughs ]

Steve: Angela is one of the most interesting cases

that I have worked with.

The baby that she carries with her

has become a symbol of her security,

which is the prison around her,

which does not allow her to heal.

That baby represents everything.

It represents trauma.

It represents love. It represents hate.

It represents a little girl crying herself to sleep,

wondering why the people she should trust hurts her.

Teri: Are you ready to go, darling?

It saw it all.

It held her when no one else would,

it listened to her when no one else could,

and it took her abuse when no one else could even see it.

It was the reason that she got through that madness

that was her childhood.

But now, she's an adult,

and no matter what happened in her childhood,

I've got to get her to move forward.

Let's start with who you brought in here with us.

And tell me a little bit about this baby.

This is Rachel.

Okay. And so, I take it your mom gave you this baby?

For my 6th birthday.

Your 6th birthday. And how old are you again?

Um, I'm 24.

‐You're 24. ‐I may not act it,

but I am 24. ‐Okay.

So, 18 years you've had this baby.

Wow! That's nuts.

Yeah. Holy crap.

She's a grown‐up now.

She's an actual adult.

So, what does this baby mean to you?

Because, I mean, for you to bring it here

and carry it with you for 18 years...

I remember when my mom first brought her,

I thought she was a real baby.

So, obviously, you had a beautiful

relationship with your mother.

Where was your father?

Oh.

I had the antonym of beautiful relationship with my father.

So, he was there half the time.

‐Okay. ‐It was just not the best half for me.

Tell me you went through with your mom and dad.

I know ‐‐ I can tell by how ‐‐ the moment I said "your dad,"

everything shifted.

[ Giggles ]

‐So, tell me what's happened. ‐Um...

Or if you have to, tell me what Rachel has seen.

Rachel didn't have to see most of it,

because I, being the parent I am,

decided to not show her most of it.

Do you care if I hold Rachel?

Oh, yeah. That's fine.

Here.

Let's say you were talking to Rachel.

‐Uh‐huh. ‐Rachel has experienced

everything that you've experienced.

What would you say to Rachel that would help her the most?

[ Voice breaking ] "You didn't deserve any of it."

"Hang in there. It gets a lot better,

but very little by little,

and certainly doesn't feel like it's worth it at times.

But if you hang in there...

And it takes time, doesn't it?

‐Yeah. ‐And you've gotten better from where you were,

haven't you? ‐Uh‐huh.

It's unbelievable.

You're not less than whole.

You're a beautiful, vibrant person.

Thank you.

And I feel that you have come a long way

in your personal demons and struggles.

And that's what brought us here together.

Uh‐huh.

...was for us to move further forward.

Now, I see you're starting to feel some of the ayahuasca,

because your eyes are dilated, really.

I...They are?

Yeah. They're starting to dilate.

That's all good. ‐No.

I feel weird.

So, I'm gonna help you back downstairs,

But before you do, I want you to remember ‐‐

no matter what you think has been wrong in the past,

today is the first day of the rest of your life.

‐Yeah. ‐And we're going to ‐‐

we're going to let those things go...

‐Thank you. ‐...because you deserve it, and so does Rachel.

Thank you.

Angela: Doing that one‐on‐one time with Steve,

I was struck by this sense of,

"Everything is going to be okay, and you're in good hands."

And normally, I can't feel those emotions.

But I felt as if I could let go.

Mother Aya made me feel like,

"Hey, this is how you're supposed to feel."

And then, I noticed that

I had a hole in my chest ‐‐ a very dark hole.

I was completely dark.

So, I just reached my hand in,

and suddenly, I did find another hand.

But it turns out, it was a severed hand.

I always held hope until now, like,

the old Angela will be back.

Everything will be the way it was before things happened.

And I guess it was kind of a way of showing me

that it wouldn't be.

I could see that the hand was still growing a little

into a tree of some sort. And I realized that,

"Hey, this is my true self, and it's still growing."

It turned all that suffering and all that loneliness

into something that has meaning again.

O0 C1 ♪♪

Tina: Being so hyper‐vigilant my whole life

from what has happened to me,

you know, I think the medicine was giving me what I needed,

which is rest and calm.

I absolutely feel less anxious, and it's almost weird.

I'm like, "Where is my anxiety at?"

[ Chuckles ]

Today, I actually really haven't felt nervous at all.

So, that's awesome.

Angela: Ayahuasca is the game‐changer.

This is the first time in my life

I have not felt like a mess.

Hey! ‐Hey!

How are you doing? Good to see you.

Please, have a seat.

Steve: You took a big step last night,

putting that baby on its own bed.

How did it feel, having your own space?

It was...nice, actually.

I felt like I used Rachel as an emotional support all my life.

Mm‐hmm. And she served you well.

Yeah. She ‐‐ she was a good baby.

Can I ask you to take one more larger step?

Yes.

Can I put your baby on my altar for the duration?

Oh, my gosh. Yeah.

And that will also symbolize to many other people

who have been in your shoes

that's gonna come through this door,

the healing that can be had with us

by moving through these steps of evolution and progression,

because that's exactly what you have just done.

‐Yeah. ‐And I am so proud of you.

‐Thank you. ‐Give me a hug.

I love you so much.

I love you too, and I can't wait to hear from you.

‐Okay. ‐You are so special.

Steve: It was the most trusting thing she could ever do,

was give me that baby. And that meant so much to me.

That meant so much to her, to be able to have somebody

to give this symbol of guilt, pain.

And she handed it to me to hold for her,

and to use it to help others with.

With those steps, there, guess what?

She's no longer a victim.

She's no longer a survivor.

She is an intact, whole human being.

This is really a day of fulfillment for us.

The end of the ceremony, when we know we're letting you

go back out into the world

with a whole different dynamic, perspective, spirit, rebirth,

and coping skills and mechanics to help you deal with

the rough patches that may come up in your life ‐‐

as they surely will, because it's life.

My takeaway from this experience is, I'm loved,

and I need to treat myself as such.

Yeah. Group hug.

I want to, um, just kind of redirect my focus,

and remember how I feel right now.

Behave yourself, you hear me?

You know, I want to move forward in a more positive way,

and I really would like to use this

as a restart to move forward with a better life.

Thank you. Safe travels.

Bye‐bye, now. Thank you.

Safe travels.

Thank you, Angela. ‐Thank you.

Safe travels.

Angela: It does feel like I'm leaving a piece of myself behind.

But instead of feeling lost,

like I normally would when I leave anything

I care about behind,

it feels more like the natural progression to the next step.

Teri: Ayahuasca, to me, helps us nurture ourselves

because it allows us to look within ourselves.

And I think that's beautiful.

Angela: Ayahuasca is exactly what I needed.

This is the sort of Angela

that I feel is an actual change,

as in I can't go back to square one anymore,

because square one no longer exists.

Steve: Mother Aya taught me this round that, sometimes,

I have to practice restraint.

Other times, I must take it to the mat.

And every time,

I don't know what's gonna happen until it happens.

And really, Mother Aya has taught me

to accept the unknown of existence,

to stay in the now, and to allow the chaos of life to unfold.

♪♪

♪♪

Since leaving Aya Quest,

I've noticed that my vision has changed in how I see myself.

I feel that my heart is lighter and has expanded,

creating new space for self‐love and gratitude.

♪♪

♪♪

Since leaving Aya Quest, a lot has changed.

First, I'm applying to grad‐school programs

for a Master's in social work.

My friends said that I matured 5 years overnight.

I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean,

but I assume that's a good thing, too.

And, hmm, I just feel like

I'm no longer transported to the past,

and it's something that happened to me

but isn't me anymore.

♪♪

♪♪