All language subtitles for Kentucky.Ayahuasca.S01E09.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Steve: Now, I see you're
really starting to feel

some of the ayahuasca,
because your eyes are dilated.

Yeah.
I feel weird.

What would you say to Rachel
that would help her?

[ Voice breaking ]
"You didn't deserve any of it.

Hang in there.
It gets a lot better."

And Rachel knows
all the answers.

Steve: I've been a lot of things
in my life.

I've been a bank robber,
and a prisoner.

But being a shaman
is my calling.

Ayahuasca is
a Schedule 1 narcotic ‐‐

the same as heroin and LSD ‐‐
but it's not a drug.

It's medicine.

And in my church,
it's a sacrament.

We can do in 2 days
what conventional therapy

may take years to do,

but only if you are willing
to step into the pain.

I chose to offer ayahuasca
in Kentucky.

It would have been much easier
to do it in LA, New York,

but I chose right here
in a bright red state

with a conservative
Christian base

because these people
need it the most.

What's going on in Kentucky
I take very personally.

Many cities in this country

have a higher population
than my entire state,

and we are among
the top 10 states

with the highest
opiate‐related deaths.

Deaths from
opioid overdoses

have more than quadrupled
since 1999.

Some of the most
severe devastation

has been right here
in Kentucky.

As a medicine person
and shaman,

I'm sitting here talking to
people ‐‐ soldiers, military,

you know, all kinds
of strong people, who...

They can't get rid of this,
you know?

It is beating them.

It is taking everything
from them ‐‐ everything ‐

and I couldn't understand
how opiates

gripped these people so hard.

You know, it's real easy
for me to go,

"Just say no,"
when I don't understand.

So, the only way
I could understand was,

I had to go get addicted.

And that's what I did.

I went and bought
a bunch of Percocets

through street suppliers,

and I started off with two
in the evening and a drink.

And I'm going to tell you,
it felt damn ... good.

I ain't gonna lie.

I had a fine time.

Then, the next night,
you know what?

I ate three.

And that went on
for weeks,

and I'm increasing
the dosages as I'm going.

And as I get to the end
of my 30‐day little trial,

I'm up to six pills a day.

I'm drinking
right with them,

I'm staying stoned
all day long.

And then, I'm stopped.

And I stopped cold‐turkey.

And I'm gonna tell you,

I went through the physical
withdrawals for 2 weeks,

and they were brutal.

You had diarrhea.

Sometimes,
your brain would wake you up

in the middle of the night
with fake pains,

and the first thought
in your mind was,

"Just eat a Percocet,
and it'll all go away,

and you'll go
back to sleep."

Your brain turned
into your enemy.

Your brain started trying
to get you back on the pills

because it enjoyed it
so deeply.

And there's a spirit to it
that whispers to you,

that tells you,
"Come on. You can do it.

You know,
just take another one."

And that's when I realized
it's a disease,

and I've got to view it
as a disease.

I then,
I done some ayahuasca,

and she lifted it
totally away from me.

Mother Aya relieved a lot
of my withdrawal symptoms

in one journey,

but it still
almost whipped my ass.

And from that day forth,
I have compassion for them.

Opiate addicts, they're facing
something that is deep,

hard to deal with,
and hard to come back from.

But it's possible.

Angela: My dad made my life hell
for most of my life,

and I've been dealing with that
for quite a while.

I have never done
an ayahuasca ceremony before.

If it could cure my complex
post‐traumatic stress disorder,

then I will be
very, very happy.

Complex post‐traumatic
stress disorder

is essentially
post‐traumatic stress disorder,

but for people who have been
experiencing a trauma

for a very long
period of time.

You don't want to be there.
Your brain knows this,

and it will do whatever it can
to get you out,

even if you, yourself,
the body, can't.

A symptom of complex
post‐traumatic stress disorder

is, essentially,
that I'm kind of off

from how I feel
and what I think.

My number‐one priority coming
to Aya Quest is to feel again.

Even if it's a bad trip, it
would be nice to feel something.

♪♪

Kevin: For the first time
in my life,

I have somebody that has my back
and loves me,

but he is not aware
that I'm using heroin.

Drug abuse is something
that you learn to lie about,

and that's where I've been
for a long time.

After a while, you start to
lose track of all the lies

that you've told.

Oh, good, there's tissues.

The last time that I used heroin
was 2 days ago.

The initial onset
of the withdrawals

have started
to kick in,

so I used an opioid
pill yesterday

just to get through it.

It's important for me
to get clean

so that I can experience love
and be able to honestly be there

for the people
that I care about.

Teri: Well, now that we have
everyone here,

the first thing
I will have you all do

is go over
your applications for me.

Please make sure that
you have not neglected

to tell us anything,
you know?

If you have taken anything
within the last 24 hours,

I really need to know.

Our primary concern
is keeping you safe.

Thank you.
‐You're welcome.

So, when was the last time
that you took anything?

Kevin:
Um, about 4 days ago.

I had a little bit
of a relapse.

What was it that you took
a few days ago, sweetie?

I took a little bit
of heroin.

That's all it was?

That's all it was.

All right. Um...

you should be all right.

You know,
heroin a couple of days

before a ceremony
is not a concern,

because it's gonna be
out of his system.

Pharmaceuticals
are a different story,

because some of those can last
much longer in the body.

The combination of ayahuasca
and prescription drugs

can be deadly.

All right.

So, if you all would like to
grab your bags and follow me.

I wasn't honest
because I didn't want to be

kicked out of the ceremony,

and partly because I've been
lying about it for so long,

it's just
a natural thing to do.

So, here is where you all
are gonna be staying

for the next
couple of days.

Go ahead and
find you a bed.

Teri: In this group,
we have Kevin from Oklahoma,

Angela from California,
and we have Tina from Texas.

I've been diagnosed
with depression, anxiety.

I think what leads up to
those depressed feelings

is feeling unworthy.

I've had a guy
tell me once that,

"You attract certain guys
because they can tell

that you're broken."

My intention here is to,
hopefully, find more love

for myself,
and more self‐compassion.

Steve: Hello. My name is
Steve Hupp, Chief Shaman

of Aya Quest
Native Americas Church,

and thank you for coming.

We're looking forward
to working with all of you.

Mother Aya is
a very real presence,

so don't approach her
like a vending machine,

like you're here to put
a quarter in a slot

and get a treat,

because that will do nothing
but piss her off.

We're gonna do
your first dose.

About 20 minutes after that,
we'll do a second cup.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

Will it warm up in here?
I'm freezing.

I think it's because
I haven't eaten.

Going through withdrawals,

your body is
going through a lot.

Right now, this very moment,
I feel awful.

But in the back of my mind,
I just kept telling myself that,

"This is what needs to happen.
It's gonna be okay.

You're fine."

♪♪

Ayahuasca is
a hallucinogenic tea

made with plants
from the Amazon,

and it is the strongest
psychedelic known to man.

But this isn't like LSD.

Ayahuasca is a portal
to your inner self ‐‐

your subconscious.
And through that portal,

you're going to meet a goddess
we call Mother Aya.

When your journey
first takes off,

you may feel euphoria,
until boom!

The spike hits,
and the purge begins.

You may laugh,
you may cry,

and you may do both
at the same time.

You may puke or shit.

But each of those purges

are a physical manifestation
of an emotional release.

That's when
you truly find healing.

I'm not hallucinating
hallucinating,

but when I look at
the black tablecloth,

I see, like, symmetry
and kaleidoscope.

It's like an overlay.

‐Yeah. That's a beautiful thing.
‐It's a beautiful thing.

Everything
is beautiful.

Kevin: I'll need to get up
and walk around occasionally,

because my back...
‐Mm‐hmm.

...is jacked up.
So, these chairs are...

‐Okay.
‐...really making it
uncomfortable.

Teri: Yeah. I mean, if you want
to stand up and walk around now,

you're more than
welcome to.

My entire adult life, I have
kept secrets, lied to my family.

Growing up in Oklahoma,
my dad was homophobic,

and I just felt like
he didn't like me

or want me
if he knew that I was gay.

It feels very lonely
to keep it to yourself,

to carry
that secret around.

Getting into
my early teenage years,

I started being molested by
somebody who was a grown adult.

He was 30 years old at the time,
or close to it.

There was a part of me
that enjoyed it.

I mean, it was wrong,
it was bad,

but, you know, physically,
it was pleasurable.

At that age, I don't think
my brain was developed

well enough to know how to
process what was happening.

And I made
some new friends,

and they introduced me
to methamphetamine, alcohol,

and I just
dove in headfirst.

I liked it.
I liked the way that I felt.

I didn't feel guilty.

I didn't feel like people
were looking at me funny.

I didn't feel
self‐conscious.

I just felt good.

And in a time in my life
where things weren't so great,

I found drugs to be
the easiest solution.

But, you know,
I'm exhausted,

and I don't want
to do it anymore.

‐You okay?
‐Yeah.

There's a lot
going on right now.

Steve: Anything that he
doesn't want to tell me,

Mother Aya is gonna
whisper it right in my ear.

Kevin:
Oh, God. Oh.

O0 C1
♪♪

♪♪

‐Are you ready, sweetie?
‐Yes.

All right.

Steve: Kevin is here because of
his addiction to opiates,

which is preventing him
from moving forward

in his relationship
with his partner.

We've set up a montage
of positive gay images.

This photo montage
is gonna help Kevin see

that he doesn't need drugs
to help him cope anymore.

He needs to focus his energy
on what's in front of him,

which is love.

Before you get going here,
we'd like you to go ahead

and drink your second cup
of ayahuasca.

Kevin: Okay.

Kind of get settled in,
get your water.

Good job.
Excellent.

Good.

And we kind of set up this
little photo collage for you,

because we kind of wanted you
to get refocused

on what you could
potentially miss out

if we don't really get serious
about this opiate addiction.

Now, looking at
these pictures here, tell me ‐‐

tell me about that picture.

It looks like a real happy you
in that picture.

I was happy.
I was hosting a fund‐raiser

for an organization
that I work with.

It was his first time,
maybe second time to go with me.

But that's who he is.
He's supportive.

Anything that I do, you know,
he's right there next to me.

Sounds like
a phenomenal guy.

He is.

How long have you and him
been together?

Gonna be 3 years
in October.

‐Congratulations.
‐Thank you.

Normally,
if I'm not around him,

I'm looking for drugs,
looking for a fix.

I don't think he knows
about the heroin,

but he knows that
I had a pill problem.

When was the last time
you were happy?

I don't know.

I don't know if I've ever
actually been happy.

I don't know that I ‐‐
I don't know.

It's been so long since I've
even cared about being happy.

I focus on getting
the bills paid.

You focus on getting your drugs,
right now.

At times, you lied to
that guy you loved,

because that's
what addicts do.

That's how we get the money.
That's how we hustle bills.

You okay?
It's all good.

There's a lot going on
right now.

That's all good.

You are worthy and deserving
of finding

that peace free of judgment,
free of all that,

and you can give
that gift to yourself.

...

‐What's up?
‐The bricks.

I mean, just, everything.
There's so much
going on right now.

That's all good.
That's all good.

I do think I should get back
down the stairs, though.

Okay.
Well, we will...

‐Okay.
‐...go ahead and move
you back downstairs...

‐Let's do it now.
‐...right now.

Sitting there
talking with Kevin,

I kind of got the feeling
he wasn't giving me

the whole truth.

But when you're dealing with
an addict, that's normal.

Consciously,
while he's trying to evade,

Mother is working
through him right now,

and there's no evading her.

I know Mother Aya
is the real truth serum,

and anything that he
doesn't want to tell me,

Mother Aya is gonna
whisper it right in my ear.

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

Teri:
My first impression of Angela ‐‐
She was incredibly child‐like.

Most of the people
that come in have had,

you know, stuffed animals
of some sort,

but she brings in
a big baby doll.

To me, it's indicative of
abuse as a child,

because that baby doll
becomes her security blanket.

That's her safe place.

Angela: When I had that first
cup of ayahuasca,

I just felt
a sense of serenity.

I was feeling pretty relaxed
for the first time

in a very long time,

as someone who is not exactly
prone to relaxation.

When I was 11,
my mom and dad were arguing,

and he ended up
running across the room

and punching her in the nose,
which broke her nose,

and she flew into
the sliding glass wall.

And I just stopped
existing, as in ‐‐

I just wasn't there anymore,
and I wasn't...

I didn't have to be there
in my head.

One time,
my dad was just like,

"Angela" ‐‐ like,
he said in Chinese, like,

"You should kill yourself,
so I don't have to kill you,

and I wouldn't have to
go to jail."

I was hit a lot,
but it didn't traumatize me

as much as being afraid
my mom would die,

because I loved her
the most.

Like, she was my best friend.

The one thing I want
is my mom alive.

Like, that's literally all
I really want in life. Like...

And it's kind of sucky, because
everything life gave at the time

was threatening
to take her away.

♪♪

Walter: If you want to go
outside on this back patio

for a second, we can.

[ Whispering ]

I noticed you're having
some withdrawal symptoms.

Are you okay?

Kevin: Yeah.

Do you relapse?

I'm not doing heroin anymore,
but I'm popping pills...

Right.

...to keep from going
through the withdrawals.

I've fought that battle myself,
so I know what it's about.

So, when is the last time
you used?

Yesterday.
Yesterday.

Yeah.

Oh.

Let me go back in.
I'm tired.

♪♪

♪♪

I just wanted to see how honest
he was willing to get.

He's been using pills.

Teri: I don't like
the fact that Kevin

has prescription drugs
in his system.

You know, we're responsible for
his safety and well‐being,

and he is in
full‐blown withdrawal.

He's got ayahuasca
running all through him.

He's putting us
in a really bad spot here,

and putting himself in
a very dangerous situation.

Ugh.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh.

Ugh. Oh!

Ugh! Ah.

Oh.

Ugh. Ugh.

When Kevin revealed to Walter
that he had taken an opiate

the day before
our ceremony,

I've got to be honest
with you ‐‐ it scared me.

Ayahuasca and opiates
can be a deadly combination.

I don't know
what opiate he ate.

So, now, I've got
to shift from shaman,

and I've got to tell
my medicine people

we're not so concerned with him
spiritually, at the moment,

as we need to be observant
for his physical safety.

Teri:
Just breathe.

Oh.

When was the last time
you used opiates?

Teri: If you're not
being honest with us,

you're kind of
tying our hands.

I understand.

O
♪♪

♪♪

Angela:
Today, I'm feeling really tired,
really relaxed, really peaceful.

I brought Rachel because
she is my one and only baby.

Rachel has been through
a lot with me.

I remember primarily
why I played with Rachel

as a kid was, like,
she barely talked.

The only thing she said
was almost repeatedly, like,

"I love you, Mommy."

Because it was nice
to be reassured that,

you know,
she did love me.

To me, she is real,
because I love her.

And when I love someone,
that's when I realize,

"Hey, like,
they are as real

and as precious
as my experiences are."

And I really let that go,
now, can I?

[ chuckles ]

Mm.

♪♪

Tina:
I am feeling very relaxed and
still very open from last night.

I feel a little more comforted,
even in the little

space and time that I did have
with the medicine.

I was loved as a child.

I had a very good upbringing,
and a sense of being cared for.

However, early on
in my childhood,

there was the sexual abuse
that occurred when I was 3.

The man who did it also abused
my sister and my mother.

We went to the police,
and they didn't believe us.

We actually went
to the hospital,

and I remember the doctor, like,
blowing bubbles to distract me,

and I was way too young
for things

to be going on
down in that area.

And that, unfortunately,
wasn't proof enough.

My mom's broken nose
wasn't proof.

I feel, because authorities
didn't believe us,

I would question, "Am I safe?"
or like, "Who do you depend on?"

And, uh, definitely caused
some trauma years after,

and, I would say,
still, today.

What I'm looking forward to most
after this

is rewiring my brain

to be able to have a different
perspective on things

that have happened
in my past.

♪♪

♪♪

I try to trust everybody
that sits down

in that table one time.

I give them
my trust first,

and it's up to them
with what they do with it.

But that doesn't mean that I'm
stuck on stupid, or my team is.

We're listening to every word
you're saying.

And that's why we had to stop
and hold Kevin accountable.

You didn't tell anybody
the truth,

and then, you tried to
manipulate your way through.

You were hustling,
and Mother Aya

was kicking your ass
all over the corner.

And I'm not sure
you can take another night

with Mother Aya
in the ring.

Please, have a seat.

Last night, I observed you
going through

some really rough purges.

‐Mm‐hmm.
‐I mean, some really intense...

‐To say the least.
‐...withdrawals.

‐Mm‐hmm.
‐Would that be a correct word?

Maybe an understatement.

‐Okay.
‐It was a rough night.

How do you feel today?

The aches,
the pains are gone.

I'm still having some
cramping going on.

I'm hoping tonight is a night
where I can, you know,

have the gentle hug or whatever.
But I'll take whatever I get.

Okay.
Let me ask you ‐‐

When was the last time
you used opiates?

We're not here
to judge you.

We're here to help you. But if
you're not being honest with us,

you're kind of
tying our hands.

I understand.

You see, like,
what if, today,

we were talking to the coroner
about Kevin?

In my hotel room
the day before we came here,

I took a hydrocodone
to kind of curb

the withdrawals
that were starting to set in.

Why did this not come up
until now?

I know that I wasn't
completely honest

and up‐front about the fact
that I was going to be detoxing.

I didn't want to lose
the opportunity.

Right now, I have no idea
what's in your system.

I know what
you're telling me,

and I know what you told me
the whole application process.

Every glass we hand out,
we risk everything we own,

which means we have to be able
to trust who we're working with,

because there's no
ayahuasca insurance.

There's no liability insurance
you can purchase for DMT.

So, we risk, all of us,

everything we own
with every cup,

that your honesty
is that important,

because people have died in this
country by careless operators.

So, tonight,
we can't work with you,

and I'm going to have
Walter and Nik assist

in helping you be escorted
from the ceremonial premises.

Thank you so much.
‐Thank you.

‐I'm sorry, Kevin.
‐I'm sorry.

No hard feelings
whatsoever.

It's never easy for me
to make that final call

to throw somebody
out of a ceremony.

I mean, it's really
difficult for me.

Because I wanted
to help heal Kevin.

I wanted to be
a part of that.

Mother Aya did, too.
But I can't risk Kevin,

and I can't risk
Mother's existence in America

for Kevin's
lack of concern.

Kevin: My general
feeling, right now,

is just a feeling of
disappointment in myself.

The one thing that I'll
take out of this is,

it did give me the opportunity
to be completely open and honest

with my partner,
who has been my rock.

And I had a tough conversation
with my fiance

about why I was here.

He found out about
the heroin use just today.

He didn't know anything
about it.

And I said things
in my interviews

and on camera
that I hadn't told anybody.

So, I think,
at the very least,

the circle of lies
has been broken.

♪♪

Steve: It happened.
He got away with it.

It sucks.
And it just is.

And just cut that ... knot, and
let it go.

O0
♪♪

♪♪

I want to address
why Kevin is not here.

And that is because
we had some inconsistencies

with the information
that he provided,

and we cannot
safely proceed.

Not the way we wanted it,
but it just is.

And so, I've learned,
you just roll with it.

But that's how
we'll be rolling tonight.

Tonight, we expect you
to have a deeper experience.

This ain't no
little thing.

It's sometimes scary. It's,
most of the times, intense.

But at the end of the day,

I know nothing that will put
you further down your path

than these 2 days
with this medicine right here.

♪♪

Tina is here because
she has suffered child abuse

and sexual abuse
early in her life.

She went to the police.

She did everything right,
and no one does a thing.

So, we set up an arena
of introspection.

I want to use colored lights
and mirrors

to bring different viewpoints
as she's looking at herself

to see the good
within Tina.

I want to take Tina deep within
herself so she can make peace,

so she can embrace
all of herself.

And just please
have a seat.

We're gonna guide her to
a different view of Tina.

The acorn that held the tree
that is behind you held

everything that that tree needed
to become what you see now,

just as you were complete
at the moment of conception.

That's part of finding
your inner wholeness.

The foundation of all depression
is anger turned inward.

What were you angry
at yourself about?

At the fact that he got away
and that it was in part

because I couldn't tell
the police what happened.

You did everything right,

and the world was wrong
at that moment.

You can't change that.

It happened.
He got away with it.

It sucks.
And it just is.

But you can fight that battle
for the rest of your life,

and throw away a lot of good
things trying to figure it out,

and go through the conundrums
and the mental gymnastics.

Or you can just cut that
... knot, and let it go,

and move on with your life
as you reconstruct it.

And that is the gift
you can give Tina.

♪♪

What's the Tina that's looking
back at you right now?

Strong, and has
a lot of courage.

I love my openness,
and my ability

to see things from other views,
and my love for people.

I see a Tina who ain't looked
away one moment, not one moment.

Ain't looked down.
Ain't looked up.

She has sat here
and bravely and courageously

looked dead
in her own eyes.

Teri: And I want you to think of
how far you have come.

And I want you
to remind yourself

that, you know, you no longer
need to cope in unhealthy ways.

And I want you to just think of
how much you love yourself,

and how good you have done
thus far.

It's not often that we sit and
look at ourselves, you know ‐‐

like, really look
at ourselves.

And I think with, you know,
all of the...

the positive things

that were brought
to her attention at that time,

and the fact that the ayahuasca
was starting to kick in on her,

you know, it just kind of
amplified those good things.

And I think
she really needed that.

Tina: I could feel
Mother Ayahuasca

move through me.

I stepped into that ‐‐

that other realm of being deeper
inside within my mind and ‐‐

and soul ‐‐
and just, more connected.

In that setting,
I was starting to feel,

like, very airy, and colors
were just more vibrant.

And I saw, like, yellows,
pinks and purples

that were in symmetry of,
like, squares,

and they were all connected,
going different ways.

I felt like, I could, like,
touch it, but not.

And I, you know, was viewing it,
yet I was, like, a part of it.

Inside that journey
I was going through,

I felt like I was, like,
a seed in the ground.

And any time I felt like
I was ready to grow,

I wanted to shed it back.

Like, I wasn't ready
to sprout yet.

And then, after a while,

I just kind of felt like
I was being held.

I just was curled up in a ball,
and I felt so comfortable,

and just, like, "You got this,"
and "You can do it."

And I do have a great,
big life ahead of me.

This is just the start.

18 years
you've had this baby.

That's nuts.
Holy crap.

She's a grown‐up now.

Do you care
if I hold Rachel?

O0 C1
♪♪

[ Angela laughs ]

Steve: Angela is one of
the most interesting cases

that I have worked with.

The baby that
she carries with her

has become a symbol
of her security,

which is the prison
around her,

which does not
allow her to heal.

That baby represents
everything.

It represents trauma.

It represents love.
It represents hate.

It represents a little girl
crying herself to sleep,

wondering why the people
she should trust hurts her.

Teri: Are you ready
to go, darling?

It saw it all.

It held her
when no one else would,

it listened to her
when no one else could,

and it took her abuse when
no one else could even see it.

It was the reason that
she got through that madness

that was her childhood.

But now,
she's an adult,

and no matter what happened
in her childhood,

I've got to get her
to move forward.

Let's start with who you
brought in here with us.

And tell me a little bit
about this baby.

This is Rachel.

Okay. And so, I take it your
mom gave you this baby?

For my 6th birthday.

Your 6th birthday.
And how old are you again?

Um, I'm 24.

‐You're 24.
‐I may not act it,

but I am 24.
‐Okay.

So, 18 years
you've had this baby.

Wow!
That's nuts.

Yeah.
Holy crap.

She's a grown‐up now.

She's an actual adult.

So, what does this baby
mean to you?

Because, I mean,
for you to bring it here

and carry it with you
for 18 years...

I remember when my mom
first brought her,

I thought she was
a real baby.

So, obviously,
you had a beautiful

relationship
with your mother.

Where was your father?

Oh.

I had the antonym of beautiful
relationship with my father.

So, he was there
half the time.

‐Okay.
‐It was just not
the best half for me.

Tell me you went through
with your mom and dad.

I know ‐‐ I can tell by how ‐‐
the moment I said "your dad,"

everything shifted.

[ Giggles ]

‐So, tell me what's happened.
‐Um...

Or if you have to,
tell me what Rachel has seen.

Rachel didn't have to see
most of it,

because I, being
the parent I am,

decided to not show
her most of it.

Do you care
if I hold Rachel?

Oh, yeah.
That's fine.

Here.

Let's say you were
talking to Rachel.

‐Uh‐huh.
‐Rachel has experienced

everything that
you've experienced.

What would you say to Rachel
that would help her the most?

[ Voice breaking ]
"You didn't deserve any of it."

"Hang in there.
It gets a lot better,

but very little by little,

and certainly doesn't feel like
it's worth it at times.

But if you
hang in there...

And it takes time,
doesn't it?

‐Yeah.
‐And you've gotten better
from where you were,

haven't you?
‐Uh‐huh.

It's unbelievable.

You're not
less than whole.

You're a beautiful,
vibrant person.

Thank you.

And I feel that you have
come a long way

in your personal demons
and struggles.

And that's what
brought us here together.

Uh‐huh.

...was for us
to move further forward.

Now, I see you're starting to
feel some of the ayahuasca,

because your eyes
are dilated, really.

I...They are?

Yeah.
They're starting to dilate.

That's all good.
‐No.

I feel weird.

So, I'm gonna help
you back downstairs,

But before you do,
I want you to remember ‐‐

no matter what you think
has been wrong in the past,

today is the first day
of the rest of your life.

‐Yeah.
‐And we're going to ‐‐

we're going to let
those things go...

‐Thank you.
‐...because you deserve it,
and so does Rachel.

Thank you.

Angela: Doing that one‐on‐one
time with Steve,

I was struck by
this sense of,

"Everything is going to be okay,
and you're in good hands."

And normally,
I can't feel those emotions.

But I felt as if
I could let go.

Mother Aya
made me feel like,

"Hey, this is how
you're supposed to feel."

And then,
I noticed that

I had a hole in my chest ‐‐
a very dark hole.

I was completely dark.

So, I just reached
my hand in,

and suddenly,
I did find another hand.

But it turns out,
it was a severed hand.

I always held hope
until now, like,

the old Angela
will be back.

Everything will be the way
it was before things happened.

And I guess it was kind of
a way of showing me

that it wouldn't be.

I could see that the hand
was still growing a little

into a tree of some sort.
And I realized that,

"Hey, this is my true self,
and it's still growing."

It turned all that suffering
and all that loneliness

into something
that has meaning again.

O0 C1
♪♪

Tina: Being so hyper‐vigilant
my whole life

from what has
happened to me,

you know, I think the medicine
was giving me what I needed,

which is rest and calm.

I absolutely feel less anxious,
and it's almost weird.

I'm like,
"Where is my anxiety at?"

[ Chuckles ]

Today, I actually really
haven't felt nervous at all.

So, that's awesome.

Angela: Ayahuasca
is the game‐changer.

This is the first time
in my life

I have not felt
like a mess.

Hey!
‐Hey!

How are you doing?
Good to see you.

Please, have a seat.

Steve: You took a big step
last night,

putting that baby
on its own bed.

How did it feel,
having your own space?

It was...nice,
actually.

I felt like I used Rachel as an
emotional support all my life.

Mm‐hmm.
And she served you well.

Yeah. She ‐‐
she was a good baby.

Can I ask you to take
one more larger step?

Yes.

Can I put your baby on my altar
for the duration?

Oh, my gosh.
Yeah.

And that will also symbolize
to many other people

who have been
in your shoes

that's gonna come
through this door,

the healing that can
be had with us

by moving through these steps
of evolution and progression,

because that's exactly
what you have just done.

‐Yeah.
‐And I am so proud of you.

‐Thank you.
‐Give me a hug.

I love you so much.

I love you too, and I can't
wait to hear from you.

‐Okay.
‐You are so special.

Steve: It was the most trusting
thing she could ever do,

was give me that baby.
And that meant so much to me.

That meant so much to her,
to be able to have somebody

to give this symbol
of guilt, pain.

And she handed it to me
to hold for her,

and to use it
to help others with.

With those steps, there,
guess what?

She's no longer a victim.

She's no longer
a survivor.

She is an intact,
whole human being.

This is really a day
of fulfillment for us.

The end of the ceremony,
when we know we're letting you

go back out
into the world

with a whole different dynamic,
perspective, spirit, rebirth,

and coping skills and mechanics
to help you deal with

the rough patches
that may come up in your life ‐‐

as they surely will,
because it's life.

My takeaway from this
experience is, I'm loved,

and I need to
treat myself as such.

Yeah.
Group hug.

I want to, um, just kind of
redirect my focus,

and remember
how I feel right now.

Behave yourself,
you hear me?

You know, I want to move forward
in a more positive way,

and I really would like
to use this

as a restart to move forward
with a better life.

Thank you.
Safe travels.

Bye‐bye, now.
Thank you.

Safe travels.

Thank you, Angela.
‐Thank you.

Safe travels.

Angela:
It does feel like I'm leaving
a piece of myself behind.

But instead of
feeling lost,

like I normally would
when I leave anything

I care about behind,

it feels more like the natural
progression to the next step.

Teri: Ayahuasca, to me,
helps us nurture ourselves

because it allows us
to look within ourselves.

And I think
that's beautiful.

Angela: Ayahuasca is
exactly what I needed.

This is the sort of Angela

that I feel is
an actual change,

as in I can't go back
to square one anymore,

because square one
no longer exists.

Steve: Mother Aya taught me
this round that, sometimes,

I have to practice
restraint.

Other times,
I must take it to the mat.

And every time,

I don't know what's gonna
happen until it happens.

And really,
Mother Aya has taught me

to accept the unknown
of existence,

to stay in the now, and to allow
the chaos of life to unfold.

♪♪

♪♪

Since leaving Aya Quest,

I've noticed that my vision
has changed in how I see myself.

I feel that my heart is lighter
and has expanded,

creating new space
for self‐love and gratitude.

♪♪

♪♪

Since leaving Aya Quest,
a lot has changed.

First, I'm applying
to grad‐school programs

for a Master's
in social work.

My friends said that
I matured 5 years overnight.

I'm not sure what that's
supposed to mean,

but I assume
that's a good thing, too.

And, hmm,
I just feel like

I'm no longer transported
to the past,

and it's something
that happened to me

but isn't me anymore.

♪♪

♪♪