Original subtitles

Mona.

I know it's a tedious process,

but you actually have to lift the chopsticks

to get the food into your mouth.

And garlic noodles are your favorite.

[Slurp]

I've lost the will to slurp.

We just want to take your mind off your breakup with chase.

But you brought me to a restaurant

that chase and I have been a million times.

We sat here.

We kissed over there.

Over there.

All that loving,

and you still managed to drive him away.

Shocking.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy inside of me ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh.

[Laughing]

Dwight, now that your team has made the playoffs,

you are the hottest thing in the NBA.

Well, that's an understatement.

You're hot as the sun. You're Dwight Mitchell.

In fact, you're hotter than the sun.

Actually, you are so hot,

the planets are starting to revolve around you.

Whoo! Up high.

Nothing? Okay.

We intend to capitalize on that heat

to get you even more publicity

and more lucrative endorsement deals.

Lucrative is my favorite word.

Mine too.

Are you my brother from another mother?

Why is he here again?

I've invited Brett on as my number-two

so gmg can give you more focus.

Well, I wouldn't exactly have used the term "number-two."

[Chuckles]

I prefer to think of us as co-ones.

Yeah, that's what all the number-twos say.

Jockeying for position aside,

we see you on the cover of gq

wearing air Mitchells and eating wheaties

from a box with your picture on it.

Do you like what you see?

Because it could be esquirewith cocoa puffs.

Why can't it be both?

I like the way you think.

I think the way you think.

The point is, um,

your co-ones got your back.

Good, 'cause there is a situation

I could use your help with.

The paparazzi has been all up in my business

ever since they found out

I was on the short list for league mvp.

I know.

Your wife and I had lunch last week.

To help Alana get away from photographers,

I had to fake-choke on a buffalo wing.

Those bastards didn't even try to save me.

The fake choke.

[Chuckles]

I taught her how to do that.

Co-ones right here.

Well, um, what's...

What's going on is kind of complicated.

Discretion is key.

Dwight, it is our job to do anything...

And I mean anything...

To help you focus

on getting that championship.

Hell, man, if I could,

I'd offer up a kidney.

That goes for me too.

I'd offer up Brett's kidney as well.

Co-ones.

[Elevator dings]

Both: Hey, Mona.

How are you feeling today?

You know, we're here to help you turn that frown upside down.

Let me tell you, you are looking radiant from head to toe.

Want to know my beauty secret?

Heartbreak and gut-wrenching despair.

Radiant!

You went too far.

When have you ever seen Mona radiant?

Good point.

Now, in my experience

of watching hetero hookups on mtv,

this will go one of two ways.

She'll either eat herself into a funk

or spit venom on those close to her.

Let's do a little experiment.

Hey, Dave, go offer Mona a doughnut.

Why would i... just do it!

Mona, may I offer you a doughnut?

I don't think so.

Damn...

I've never seen her pass up a cream-filled.

We're in trouble. Venom's a-coming.

Listen, Dave.

If you cared as much about overnighting this package

as you do about stuffing your face with doughnuts,

maybe you'd get a promotion

and not have to ride a skateboard to work.

I'll make sure it gets there by morning.

Damn skippy you will.

And what are you looking at?

Compared to you, Dave looks like a genius.

A genius is a very smart person.

Mona taking charge!

You keep this up, I won't have to come in at all.

More time for the shooting range.

That's right.

Black folks can be a part of the nra too.

[Knocking]

Phyllis.

How courageous of you to come out in the daytime

wearing that, well, everything.

Next time, lose the wig and wear the dog.

You'll look better.

A tee-hee.

By the way, what do you and your daughter

have planned for mother's day?

Well, she hasn't said

but I'm sure it'll be special.

Yes, I am certain that little Dee

has something amazing in store

for the world's best mother.

She's getting something for me?

I don't think they perfected the face transplant yet.

Come on, Dee.

Where have you hidden mother's expensive

yet sweet and sentimental mother's day present?

Mom, what are you doing here?

Uh, I don't know.

Where am I?

Have you been drinking again?

That would imply that I stopped.

Mom, maybe you should go into my bedroom

and lie down for a while.

That's a great idea. I haven't looked in...

Uh, laid in there lately.

Unfortunately, neither has anybody else.

[Woof woof]

Where is my gift?

Ma.

Aah!

What the hell are you doing here?

I live here, remember?

What the hell are youdoing here?

I was just...

Alphabetizing your spices.

Let me guess. What's first?

Allspice?

Sadly it starts with pepper and ends with salt.

You're cooking for chase now.

You can't keep feeding that big, fine man unseasoned food.

Ma, I don't need you to clean my cabinets.

I don't need you to do anything.

See? I had some fresh vanilla bean,

but now you ain't getting none. Ooh.

[Knocking]

Dee Dee, would you tell her that real men

like some flavor in their food?

Could you wrap up this little tirade?

Chase is coming over.

Well, that's all you had to say.

I'm gone.

But if he's hungry, make him some eggs.

They don't need no damn spices.

Mona...

Chaseis coming over?

No.

But I didn't tell my mother about the breakup

because I don't need her remarks

about how I've killed another relationship

or any chance of her being

called grams, Nana, mima, or booby.

Relationships are hard

whether you're in them

or in the middle of somebody else's.

I just got a call from a woman named Tatiana.

She asked me to have Dwight Mitchell

meet her for a secret late-night hookup

at a hotel bar.

What's that all about?

Hello? Have you been living under a rock?

The man is having an affair.

But I just had lunch with his wife.

Dwight and Alana are very much in love.

Do you get lonely living under that rock?

Or do your naive, clueless, happy thoughts

of stupid romance keep you company?

You seem like you want to be alone right now.

Great, leave me just like chase did.

Okay, bye.

[Elevator dings]

Hey, Mona. These are for you.

Just 'cause.

They'll just die in a week,

and then I'll have a stinky bowl on my desk.

[Scoffs]

Mona, don't deny yourself flowers

just because they die.

Get back out there

and pick some more flowers.

Do you understand what I'm telling you?

Yeah.

You're using flowers as a metaphor for relationships.

No. Try to follow.

I'm saying get back out there

and date somebody new!

And now you try to follow me.

You're a moron!

You kind of are sometimes.

[Knocking]

Okay, here's a good problem to have.

Both gqand esquirewant Dwight Mitchell for the cover.

Do you know what that means?

It means he'll be so hot

my cell phone's gonna be ringing

24/7 with hos like Tatiana

that Dwight slipped my number to.

That's not what I was gonna say.

But keep your phone charged up.

I will not!

The only thing worse than a married man

meeting a woman in a hotel room

is putting me in the middle of it.

I mean, not me literally in the middle.

That's not my thing.

Man up, Thorne.

Athletes have affairs, all right?

Obviously, Dwight is smart enough to use his resources...

Us... to keep his business...

Hos... away from his public...

His wife.

Well, as a woman, I'm not gonna stand for it.

Dwight's behavior is unacceptable,

and Alana is my girl.

Oh, how sweet.

You know, it's too bad that sisterhood crap

has no place in the sports world.

Our main concern is our client. Remember that.

Blah, blah, sports world, yeah.

So you're gonna keep quiet

and you're gonna like it.

Fine.

I'll keep quiet, but I won't like it.

Can you do that quietly to yourself?

Places, people. Medusa's on her way up.

I don't know if confronting Mona's a good idea.

She scares me.

Dave, the microwave scares you.

Standing in front of it should scare you too.

When the time comes and you can't fertilize an egg,

don't come to me for extra sperm.

You can bet on that. [Ding]

Mona!

Best friend, come have a seat.

Not giving any money

so don't give me the big eyes.

Here, I made you a cup of coffee.

Don't give her anything hot!

She might throw it.

Adam: Let's cut to the real, girlfriend.

You've been hurting yourself and those who love you

and those who merely tolerate you like myself.

Maybe you forgot,

but I'm a vice president.

If you have a problem with my performance,

you can speak to me privately.

I am tired of being the only one here

who's a professional.

Mona, can I speak...

I'm not finished, woman!

Oh, yes, you are. Your office now.

All: Ooh...

I know you're upset

because I snapped at everybody.

Screw them. You snapped at me.

Now, let's be clear.

I'm the head snapper in charge.

Sorry. don't be too sorry.

I like the way you're keeping 'em on their toes.

If I don't have to scream at 'em,

then I don't have to remember their names.

As far as I'm concerned,

it's the big guy, the little guy, and the other guy.

It's actually Adam, Spencer...

I don't care!

Listen, Mona,

you got to ask yourself,

why would those three stooges

go through all that trouble to call you out

if you didn't deserve it?

Now, maybe you need to deal with whatever is bugging you.

No, I need to focus on work.

I don't want to deal with anything.

Dealing hurts. It's too painful.

And once I start talking about it,

everything just starts coming out.

I mean, I really miss chase, and he hasn't even called,

and I wanna call him...

Okay, I'll let you deal with this alone.

Ooh. Doing a little online shopping?

Perhaps for shiny jewels?

No. Keep up, mother. I have a job now.

Oh. Work stress.

You know what clears that up?

Shopping for shiny jewels.

[Knock on door]

Coming!

Ooh! A really big box.

Looks like someone ordered something really special

for someone's special day.

You Dee Dee Thorne?

Yes, but I haven't ordered anything.

They only pay me to take it off the truck,

not put it back on, dude.

Later.

Oh, my god! It's from Tatiana.

Yay! It's from Tatiana.

Who's Tatiana?

A whore.

A whore who sells shiny jewels?

"Dee Dee, for Dwight's eyes only.

"Counting on you to keep this from Alana.

Thanks. Tatiana."

I can't believe this.

Now I'm being used to secretly exchange packages?

Dwight Mitchell's turning me into a mule.

Hmm. Heavier than a fur,

yet lighter than a crown and scepter set.

Mom, have you heard a word I've said?

Of course I have. Your job is great,

and somebody named Mitchell just bought you a new pair of mules.

Hi. So what's the emergency, Thorne?

This is my first Sunday in my brand-new media room.

I got 24 games going on 6 different tvs.

All I need now is a hot girl to bring me an ice cold beer.

Dwight's coming by.

And I'm here without my cold beer because...

What the hell is this?

This is why we're here.

Because Dwight has crossed ethical lines,

and I'm gonna tell him and

you're gonna back me up, cold one.

I thought I told you to be quiet and like it.

Why aren't you being quiet and liking it?

Well, that was before Dwight's lady friend

sent her tawdry little present to my house.

I am a sports agent.

I fought hard to be one,

and I'm not gonna jeopardize my integrity and my reputation

so some ballplayer can score in someone else's court.

Hey, when you come to this office,

you leave your integrity at home.

[Knock on door]

Hey, Dee Dee.

Does this guy ever go home?

Home. That's a great idea.

Let's all go. Come on. It's Sunday.

Not until Dwight explains this.

Hey, hey! Tatiana came through.

My wife doesn't have a clue about any of this.

Keeping it from her is what we get paid to do.

Isn't that right, Thorne?

That's sick.

She means that in the hip-hop way.

Dwight, do you think it's right

that your agent haul messages and gifts

between you and your mistress?

Mistress? I ain't cheatin'.

Tatiana designed this as a surprise for my wife.

I didn't want the press to know

that Alana and I are having a baby.

Alana's pregnant?

I told you Dwight wasn't cheating.

Some people can be so suspicious.

[Laughs]

And some people can count on payback later.

Can't wait to show this to Alana.

It's her very first mother's day present.

I hope I don't cry.

Mother's day is today?!

My mother is gonna kill me!

What kind of a child forgets...

Oh, crap! It's mother's day?

[Door opens]

All right. I'm dressed up, perfumed,

and ready to act surprised.

So where are you taking...

Baby.

What's the matter?

Talk to me. What's wrong?

Chase and I broke up.

What?! When did that happen?

Last week.

Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry.

I just didn't know how to deal with it,

so I've been lashing out at everybody.

Well, that's ok, baby. I know how hard this is.

If you need to lash out at me, start with my perfume.

I think I doused where I should have dabbed.

Well, I wasn't gonna say anything,

but it is making my eyes sting.

Ma, things were so great with chase.

The next thing I know, it was all falling apart.

Look...

I know it's painful, but you'll get through this.

We'll get through it together.

Two single women.

You're not single. You have Glen.

Not anymore.

Glen's decided to leave San Francisco

and help rebuild New Orleans.

Wow. That's big.

Yeah.

And there's no way I'm moving to New Orleans.

You know what that humidity does to our hair.

Even the fake stuff frizzes up.

So, I had no choice but to respect his decision.

But why haven't you said anything 'til now?

I guess I was trying to deal with my breakup, too.

Ma, I'm so sorry you and Glen didn't work out.

Hey, we worked out for 6 blissful months.

And who knows?

He may decide to come back

for some more of this bubblin' brown sugar.

Ma, if you were trying to take my mind off chase

by grossing me out, job done.

But thanks for being here.

I'm sorry you have to see me like this.

Are you kidding?

Knowing you still need me

is the best mother's day present I could ever get.

Mother's day?

Wow.

Every other restaurant in town was completely packed.

I can't believe this place is empty.

Thank you for pointing it out. We're thrilled, too.

You do have a full bar, though, right?

Full bar and mother's day karaoke.

You can see how popular it is.

Here's your damn corsage. Seat yourselves.

Mom, I really am sorry I forgot about mother's day.

Oh, pishaw! This is the best mother's day ever.

It is?

Absolutely.

It's the first one in years

I haven't had to endure Phyllis

picking brunch out of her goatee.

Better than watching you passed out

faced down in your eggs Benedict

after a jug of bloody Marys.

Not again!

What an awful time to be sober.

I'm glad they have karaoke here.

That'll take my mind off being stuck

with tall, bald, and surgically altered.

Oh, no! I am not going to listen to you

screech like a cat in heat again.

If anybody's going to sing today,

it's going to be the person who can: Me.

♪ He met marmalade down in old New Orleans ♪

♪ struttin' her stuff on the street ♪

♪ she said, hello, hey, Joe ♪

♪ you wanna give it a go? ♪

♪ Gitchi gitchi ya ya da da ♪

Gitchi gitchi ya ya here ♪

♪ mocca chocolata ya ya ♪

♪ creole lady marmalade ♪

♪ voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? ♪

♪ Voulez-vous coucher avec moi? ♪

♪ Hey, sister, go, sister ♪

♪ soul sister, go, sister ♪

Sorry, Tina.

We didn't know we'd be here for 20 songs.

It's been 25, but it's ok.

Thanks to your mom and her bar tab,

it's our biggest day ever.

♪ Mocca chocolata ya ya ♪

♪ creole lady marmalade ♪

Dave, I brought you doughnuts

to apologize for how I treated you.

This is a trick, isn't it?

Dave, take the damn doughnuts and go.

Tear 'em down one day, build 'em up the next.

I love the monster I've created.

Hey, guys.

I just wanted to thank you for what you tried to do for me.

Aww. We're just glad the real Mona's back.

It's nice not to be greeted in the morning

with a hard slap across the face.

I can get that at home.

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