Original subtitles

[Knocking] Hey, baby.

I made 7 pans of lasagna

before I realized only 6 would fit into my freezer.

So I thought you all could have this one for lunch.

Eat from the left side. I ran out of sausage.

Spence, if there's ever an earthquake, head for her place.

She's got casseroles to last till fema shows up.

Didn't you pay security 50 bucks

not to let her in here anymore?

Yes.

Don't think I don't know about that.

And Earl will always let me in

because he says he likes my bubbly personality

and watching me walk away.

Hello, people.

I'm doing volunteer work

for a tax-deductible charity

which aids impoverished Filipinos

living in the third world.

Care to care?

Adam, I know it's for you, and you aren't impoverished,

and boys' town isn't the third world.

Please? It's worse than the third world

with my limited wardrobe and tiny apartment.

Look at my distended belly.

That reminds me, I'm gonna go give Earl some lasagna.

The only thing he likes more than watching me walk away

is watching me walk towards him with a dish of food.

Fine. I'm trying to raise money

so I can put on a showcase for my new career...

Comedian!

I finally found something I'm good at.

I want to pursue this.

He is good.

He killed at manzibar's open Mike night.

Adam, give her a little sample of what she missed.

All right. Um...

When I was growing up,

there were no Asian role models. None.

Ok, there was Mr. Sulu from Star Trek, you know.

He was kind of fabulous.

He had rank, he had position,

he got to wear that fetching mustard velour top.

And as helmsman of the enterprise,

he broke a lot of Asian stereotypes, you know?

He was a very good driver.

[Laughing]

That is funny.

See? So you want to make a donation?

What do you say?

I'd say what's really funny

is you thinking I'm gonna give you money.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy inside of me ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. Heh heh heh.

Hey, Mona.

Those yours?

No. I don't wear these.

I mean, I wear these, just not these.

I was looking for a sock

and I found these giant panties.

Mona, you could make anything sexy.

Lorenzo.

I know, I know, you have a boyfriend.

But I can't help it. You know how I feel about you.

I do know, which is why

I don't want you touching my underwear.

Oh, well, this isn't me flirting.

This is me getting you out of the way.

I got laundry to do, woman.

Besides, it's Friday night.

Get your laundry

and your giant panties out of here and go out.

Would I be here if I had anywhere to go?

Chase is in napa for the weekend again.

I hate to hear that.

Ok, not really.

What happened to this?

That's god's way of telling me

not to drink chocolate syrup

right out of the bottle.

Oh, I can get this stain out.

This pastry chef's been covered

in chocolate ice cream, chocolate sauce,

chocolate pudding.

And that has nothing to do with work.

Hey, I have an amazing laundry secret.

But if I tell you, you won't need me anymore.

[Telephone rings]Sorry.

[Ring]

Hi.

Chase! Ha ha ha!

Stop. Ha ha!

No, no, I'm just...

Nothing special. Just doing laundry.

[Laughing]

No, I'm laughing

'cause the giant panties are still here.

Yes, my mother denies that they're hers.

[Ball game playing on TV]

I can't believe you got that stain out

after your chocolate catastrophe.

If god didn't want me to drink out of the bottle,

why did he give it a spout?

Besides, Lorenzo is right upstairs

and he's a whiz with chocolate stains.

He got this out for me.

You gave your ex-boyfriend a shirt to clean?

Maybe. Let's say I did.

Let me tell you a little something about men, Mona.

All we want to do is get our foot in the door.

And you gave him your shirt?

Huh! Dude is in the house.

You think just because Lorenzo

took a stain out of a shirt, we're gonna hook up?

He borrowed baking soda and you hooked up.

Lorenzo knows where he and I stand.

We're just friends.

Mona, you're in a new relationship with chase.

Think of it as a little puppy...

If you nurture it,

it'll grow up to be beautiful and strong.

But you bring your ex-boyfriend

to hang out with your new puppy,

he's gonna kick it, stomp on it,

and crush it.

Don't crush your puppy, Mona.

You're right. Thanks.

You got a dog?

Thanks for setting up this meeting with your mother.

Well, I'm hoping we catch her at the perfect time...

Between her post-bloody-Mary buzz

and her pre-Martini shakes.

If she agrees to finance my standup dream,

it'll change my life.

I'll make the world laugh,

and then they'll love me as much as I do.

Hello-hello.

La diva! Frangelico?

Flattery and a cocktail. What do you want?

Well, throw him out of the building.

Sorry. Important conference call.

Your father's hands-free now.

I can't tell you how happy that has made me.

I don't even want to know what that means.

Uh, mom, the reason I called you over here

is because Adam is putting together a standup showcase

and he needs some financial backing.

I saw him do his set, and he's hilarious.

Standup is the key to getting my own sitcom

and becoming the wealthy star I was born to be.

Well, imagine it...

Coming up next, Adam benet

starring in how I met your brother.

Queen of queens.

Yes, queer?

That sounds amazing.

It does, doesn't it?

Let me get this straight.

No pun intended.

You want me to financially back your showcase

so you can become a star.

I'll ask the question that everyone in Hollywood asks...

What's in it for me?

Oh, well, you're an actor,

and every great actor produces now...

Mel Gibson, Halle Berry, George Clooney.

And Dee Dee lafontaine.

Sounds perfect.

More than perfect. I can see it now...

Dee Dee lafontaine presents.

Count me in.

Me, too.

It's settled, then. Bye.

So, what were we talking about?

I missed you.

Oh, I missed hugging you.

I missed the stuff we do.

I missed hugging you after the stuff we do.

Let's go. Let's go.

[Knock on door]

Oh, I'd better get that.

Could be ma with a casserole.

Uh, keep the casserole, lose the ma.

Hey, Mona.

I brought you a stain stick

in case you have any more accidents.

And I brought you some Swiss chocolate

so you can use my gift.

Thank you.

What's up, man?

Oh, hey. You're back early from your trip.

I didn't know you were keeping track of my schedule.

Well, Mona told me when we were doing laundry.

Oh.

I didn't know "we" were doing laundry.

We weren't. I mean, it wasn't together.

He just helped me out with a stain.

Yeah, well, you two take care.

I better stop going out of town so much.

Maybe you two won't have as much alone time.

Ah, you're making too much out of this.

Maybe, but you have a habit of leaving out details

when it comes to Lorenzo.

I mean, one minute

he's helping you out with a stain,

and the next, he'll be helping you out of your clothes.

Whoa. I control who helps me out of my clothes.

Which reminds me,

weren't you about to do that?

Look, baby, I'm a secure man,

but I am not comfortable

with your relationship with this guy.

We don't have a relationship.

We say hi at the mailbox,

we run into each other in the laundry room.

He's just the guy who lives upstairs.

Now, are you coming with me, or what?

Ok.really?

Of course. I mean, I'm upset, but I ain't crazy.

Ok, help me out.

I need to figure out how to stand.

Now, besides my ass, which is my best side?

Dude, why do you ask me stuff like that?

Just tell the damn jokes.

Adam, I need to talk to you.

Anything for the woman

that picked me up out of my dim receptionist job

and made me a bright, shining comedy star.

About that, I've been reviewing your material,

and as your producer,

I have a few minor changes.

This is simply crass.

This is not our audience.

This just doesn't amuse.

Lose this, this, this.

No short, no gay, no Asian.

You're cutting the curious hybrid that is me.

Well, I left the part

where you say "good evening, my name is Adam benet."

Build on that.

Hey, Mona.

Did you like the Swiss chocolate?

Oh, it was sweet.

But I can't accept any favors or gifts anymore.

Really?

'Cause I have a different kind of chocolate

I want you to sample.

It's a very light milk chocolate.

[Gasp]

Everything all right?

Oh, yeah. Just dreaming. Nothing to talk about.

Go back to sleep, babe.

So, after I finished

licking the Swiss chocolate off of Lorenzo,

he kissed me and gave my hair a little tug

that sent shock waves down my spine.

Then he opened the dryer and folded my delicates.

Wow, that's hot.

Is he a good folder?

But why are you dreaming about Lorenzo

if things are so good with chase?

I'm not sure if this has anything to do with it,

but a couple of weeks ago,

Lorenzo told me that he wants me back.

You're in a love triangle and you didn't tell me?!

The hell with you. Why didn't you tell me?

I don't think I knew it until just now.

Maybe I had the dream

'cause I was flattered by all the attention.

You're gonna flatter yourself out of a boyfriend...

A good boyfriend.

Good boyfriend who can make tall grandbabies.

Mona, this is not good.

It certainly isn't.

You're emotionally cheating on chase.

I am not a cheater.

I've only tasted Lorenzo's milk chocolate in my sleep.

I know how to solve all your problems...

Pick a brother

and give the other one to me.

I'll take any kind of chocolate I can get.

I'd even settle for white chocolate.

Ok, how about this?

A rabbi and a duck walk into a bar...

A rabbi and a duck?

What's next, knock-knock jokes?

As a matter of fact, that is what's next.

What am I doing?

Sol saperstein, talent agent extraordinaire,

is flying in from L.A. just to see my show.

How am I supposed to come up with

half an hour of new material by tomorrow night?

Dude, why put yourself through this?

Just cancel.

I can't.

I'll never get that agent to come again.

I've got to find a way to make this work,

but it's like I have this big, dark cloud following me around.

Hello-hello.

How's lafontaine's first starlet doing?

I need to talk to you.

I have a few concerns about the material.

Never discuss the work in front of our public.

We can't let the little people

see how we create magic.

Let's do it in my office.

Get out of my office, people.

Shoo-shoo.

The show isn't working.

I know.

I have led you down the wrong path.

That's such a relief.

I'll start rehearsing my old stuff.

Oh, no, my little ingenue.

I have written you some new material

I think is more appropriate

for the lafontaine audience.

"What weighs more,

"a thousand pounds of diamonds

or a thousand pounds of dom perignon?"

I know. It's a thinker.

You know, I've been feeling bad

about the way I reacted to Lorenzo,

and I want to apologize.

You two live in the same building.

You're bound to run into each other.

I'm just gonna have to be the bigger man and get over it.

Believe me, if I could,

I'd have the top floor of the building removed.

It would solve a world of problems.

You think you could talk to your dad about that?

Chase, you are what's important to me,

and I want this to work,

so I'm just gonna stay away from Lorenzo.

Well, you don't really have to go that far.

Ok, maybe you do.

[Knock on door]

Look at this.

I got the poster for my showcase.

I don't know why I had to carry it.

Dee Dee lafontaine is a producer.

You think Halle Berry had to carry the poster

for lackawanna blues?

Honestly, Charles.

"Dee Dee lafontaine presents Adam benet."

How come you have a full-body picture

and he's just a floating head?

I paid for the theater, advertising,

and the snacks in the green room.

I should be prominent on the poster. Honestly, Dee Dee.

You paid for all of this?

That means I paid for all of this.

I don't remember agreeing

to financially backing this endeavor.

What's in it for me?

Years from now,

when lafontaine productions has been awarded

its first honor

and I thank the little people,

you'll be the first little person.

You're poking a tiger, woman.

All your jewelry's in my name.

Mom, this is Adam's chance

to do something with his life,

and you've completely made it about you.

Well, it is about me. Look at the poster.

Mom! You're crushing a man's dream,

and you need to fix it.

I mean, this is worse than the time

you insisted on being Mary

in my third-grade Christmas pageant.

Such a killjoy.

But for the record,

no one ever looked more virginal riding a donkey

than I did.

Hey. hey, Spence.

I'm real happy things worked out with chase.

Takes a big man to understand

your friendship with Lorenzo is strictly platonic.

I know. I never thought I'd be dating someone so evolved.

I also can't believe your use of the word "platonic."

Hey, I'm an evolved brother, too.

But is chase evolved enough for this?

Or this?

Mona, wake up. You're talking in your sleep.

Yeah, you're interrupting the movie.

I had another fantasy...

About Spencer, of all people.

What do you mean, of all people?

You could do a lot worse.

Really? 'Cause no one comes to mind.

You sure are having a lot of fantasies

about everyone but your boyfriend.

I wonder what it means.

It means my mother is right.

I'm an emotional cheater.

What am I gonna do?

I think you're making a big deal out of nothing.

I mean, friends have fantasies about each other all the time.

Look at me and Dee Dee.

Oh, no, no, no.

Baby, wake up!

All that moaning is getting on my nerves.

Ma, what's going on? And where's Spencer?

Be careful. He's on the loose,

and he's hooking up with everybody.

Well, stop dreaming and get up.

All that lasagna got my stomach percolating.

Now I'm definitely awake.

Well, this is it, Adam... Opening night.

I've got some last-minute notes for you.

But I'm about to go on.

Well, it's really just one small thing.

I think you should try some other areas,

like your old ones.

I know you got it in you.

Don't let Dee Dee lafontaine down.

Thank you.

Uh, you know, I'm not stingy.

I'm all about sharing our culture.

You know, go ahead, outfit Natalie Portman

like she's some Mongolian Princess, you know.

Dress up Liam neeson

like he's some samurai warrior.

Let's just acknowledge

where the stuff comes from, ok?

Rumor has it that Steven Spielberg

came up with the idea for e.T.

After eavesdropping on Filipino people at the airport.

[Imitating e.T.] Home. I want to go home.

That was my grandma.

You know, lucky for me

I had a big support system growing up.

We had a gay and lesbian teen support group

right in our high school.

Only back then, we called it drama club.

You did the right thing, mom.

As a producer,

I knew if I took it away from him,

gave it back,

he would perform it like it was new.

Right.

You've been a wonderful audience.

Thank you! Good night!

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

See? It's not all about me.

Now get out of my way so I can take my bow.

Dee Dee lafontaine!

Thank you!

Thanks.

Oh, my boyfriend should be here

in a few minutes.

Hey, Mona, how's it going?

I'm just waiting for chase,

who should be here in a few minutes,

which means you shouldn't be here,

because I'm not with you, I'm with him,

and I'm not a cheater, and I'm wide awake,

and you've got your to-go order,

and you don't want that to get cold,

so go, go, go, go.

You know, we had our second date at this table, remember?

No, we didn't. It was over there.

We started over here,

but I dumped tomato soup on the table,

and they had to move us.

Oh, yeah. You even got some on the woman next to us.

I'll never forget her face. "Errr!"

No, it was like "aah!"

"Blaah!"

Mona?

Oh, chase, hi.

Well, see you guys.

I know how this looks.

Really? How does it look?

It looks like Lorenzo and I

were sitting there having a good time,

but he was here for takeout, I was waiting for you,

we just happened to be here at the same time.

Talk about a coinkidink.

How was your day?

Let's just order.

That was a quiet car ride home.

Sorry. I got a lot on my mind.

Good night, Mona.

Aren't you coming in?

I don't think so.

But you got to go out of town this weekend.

Let me remind you of all the good things

you're gonna be missing.

Baby, I'm starting to feel like...

Every time I turn around,

your ex-boyfriend's right in the middle of our relationship.

Well, believe me, he's not in the bedroom.

It'll just be you and me.

That's not funny.

Look, like I said,

it was just a coincidence.

It's bad timing.

Well, maybe it's you and I that have the bad timing.

There's something between you and Lorenzo,

and even if you don't see it, I do.

I'm tired of stumbling across it.

Chase...

Lately, when we've been together,

it seems like you're distracted.

I mean, Mona, you're not all mine,

and I don't like it.

I don't like you accusing me of things that aren't true.

You're the person I want to be with,

and if you don't believe that,

maybe we should take a step back.

Maybe we should.

Why do I always do this?

Why do I destroy every good relationship?

Why do I always self-destruct?

♪ I feel like I wanna smack somebody ♪

♪ turn around and bitch-slap somebody ♪

♪ but I ain't goin' out, bra ♪

♪ no, no, no. ♪

♪ I ain't givin' in to it ♪

♪ no, no, no ♪

♪ anxiety's got my mind ♪

♪ it terrorizin' my soul like bin laden ♪

♪ but I ain't fallin' down, bra ♪

♪ no, no, no ♪

♪ I won't lose control, bra ♪

♪ no, no... ♪

Whoo-hoo! Ha ha ha!

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