Original subtitles

You know, Mona,

I gotta say I'm really liking your new hair.

Yeah, my man likes it, too.

- [Laughter] - [Woman screams]

- Ooh, that didn't sound good. - [Tumbling]

And that sounded even worse.

[Laughter]

- Oh, my god! Ma! - [Laughter]

- Lorenzo: Are you ok? - Do I look ok?

[Laughter]

Phyllis, what happened?

Well, costco was having a toilet paper blowout,

so I bought up every roll.

And after stocking up my place and Mona's,

I was headed up to you,

when suddenly I'm falling ass over elbow

- down the steps. - [Laughter]

Luckily the tissue broke my fall.

[Laughter]

Good thing costco didn't have a special on light bulbs.

- [Laughter] - [Phyllis groans]

[Moans] Thanks, Dee Dee.

But I can't put any weight on my ankle.

I think I need to lean on somebody else.

Somebody sturdier?

Hell no. I need somebody sexier.

- Lorenzo, get over here! - [Laughter]

[Introductory theme song]

♪ through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy inside of me ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪ [Ironic laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ice pack's too cold!

I'm sorry, but I ran out of sweltering hot ice.

[Laughter]

Don't lash out when I'm convalescing.

- [Laughter] - Spencer, a little to the left.

No, baby. My left. A little higher.

Not that high! Never mind! I'll do it myself!

[Laughter]

You sound like my date last night.

Don't be talking nasty when I'm convalescing.

[Laughter]

I can't believe I sprained my ankle and my back

when Glen's out of town,

there's nobody home to take care of me.

On the plus side,

my daughter's here to nurse me back to health.

Yeah, that's the plus side.

- [Knock on door] - Go away! I'm convalescing!

[Laughter]

- Hey, Mona. - Lorenzo.

I just wanted to bring your mom

some "get well" pastries.

Well, for heaven's sake! Let the man in!

I just thought some sweet, flaky pastry...

Yeah, yeah. Less talk and more tasting. Come on!

[Laughter]

Would anyone else like one... or three?

Not me.

Not only was my date last night bossy,

she made a crack about my little... back handles.

[Laughter]

[Scoffs] I mean, now, I know I've worked myself

into a finely ripped muscle machine,

- but... I'm still sensitive. - [Laughter]

'Cause these little places on my back

are all that's left from when... I was fat.

[Laughter]

Oh, yeah!

Didn't the other kids call you count fatula?

[Laughter]

I thought it was the count of monte fatso.

[Laughter]

You're both wrong! It was Dr. Fatenstein!

[Laughter]

Excuse me.

[Breaking up] Something's in my eye.

[Laughter]

He did warn us he was sensitive.

Yeah. Well, look, I should get going.

I'm glad you like the pastries, Phyllis.

[Mouth full] Thanks, Lorenzo.

[Laughter]

Mona, can I talk to you in private?

- I could use a favor. - Oh, what is it?

Cetrene, the restaurant where I was working, closed.

I really need a job,

and city sonoma has an opening for a pastry chef.

Since your boyfriend's the owner, I thought

maybe you could put a good word in for me.

Oh, Lorenzo, I'm not sure about that.

Hey, Lorenzo. Hey, turtle dove.

I heard about your mother falling down the stairs.

And you came to see how she was?

No, I came to see how the steps were.

- [Laughter] - They may be sturdy oak,

but lord knows if it can withstand

the impact of someone of your mother's girth.

[Introductory musical note]

I can't believe the nerve of Lorenzo.

First, he dumps me.

Then he wants me to ask my boyfriend to give him a job?

Yeah, that'll happen,

when Donald Trump gets cornrows.

[Laughter]

Well, I think you should help him.

- You do? - Yes. By not helping him,

it'll appear you're still bitter from the breakup.

- Good. 'Cause I am. - [Laughter]

Mona, you have to release all that bitterness,

or else you'll turn into your mother.

- [Laughter] - Now you're just being cruel.

Look, it'll be really awkward

if my old boyfriend works for my new one.

- Dee Dee: Why? - [Mona scoffs]

You dated Lorenzo months ago,

and your relationship with chase is real.

So you can't even compare the two.

You have nothing to worry about.

Why do I always worry when somebody says that?

[Laughter]

Look, Lorenzo is an excellent pastry chef

who really needs a job.

We all know how hard life can be

- for a broke brother. - [Laughter]

How would you know? You've never dated one.

Exactly.

And I don't want one living across the hall, either.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

Thanks for stopping by with the goodies.

It reminds me:

I need to focus on choosing a pastry chef.

As soon as I deal with my backed-up sink.

Actually, I think I can help with that.

- You'll snake my drain? - [Laughter]

Tempting, but no.

I was referring to the pastry chef job.

I think you should really consider Lorenzo lathen.

He did some great work at cetrene.

Well, he's got an impressive résumé

and he is on my short list. But how do you know him?

Uh, he lives upstairs. I know him from the building.

- So what do you think? - About what?

The dessert you're inhaling.

Lorenzo made them and that's why I brought them.

Hmm. Well, these are good. Maybe I'll give him a try.

I never commit to a chef until I see what he can do.

Yeah. I'm like that with boyfriends.

[Laughter]

- Well, I'm glad I made the cut. - [Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

- [Knock on door] - Come in!

Hey, Dee Dee. What'cha doing?

Optimizing my cardiovascular rate

while increasing neuromuscular efficiency.

Oh!

I thought you were exercising.

[Laughter]

My bad!

So, uhm, Spencer, what brings you by?

[Sighs] Friends don't need a reason to stop by.

I mean, sometimes friends just show up

to hang out and say, "hey, friend."

[Laughter]

Ok. I need the name of a good plastic surgeon.

You see, I got this friend, right? And...

- [Laughter] - Ok, it's me.

- [Laughter] - [Scoffs]

But I'm just doing research on a report for...

[Laughter]

Ok, I'm thinking about getting a little work done

in the way distant future...

Ok. I got ugly back fat

that needs to be liposucked away now!

Damn! You women really know how to interrogate a brother!

[Laughter]

Well, Spencer, that sounds pretty major.

Are you sure about this?

There are other ways to tone your problem areas.

Ugh! I tried it all. I ran. I crunched.

I even did that 48-hour diet.

That was the roughest day of my life.

[Laughter]

I just want to be called Dr. Fatenstein anymore.

I thought they called you rumplefatskin.

[Laughter]

- [Breaking up] Excuse me. - [Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

When you finish fluffing my pillows,

you can shave my legs.

- These bad boys get bristly. - [Laughter]

- [Knock on door] - There is a god!

[Laughter]

- Hello. - Hey.

Well, if it isn't Tom thumb and Paula bunyan.

[Laughter]

Phyllis, sorry you've gone lame.

If no one else volunteers,

I'll be happy to put you down. Charles, get my gun.

- [Laughter] - Truce, ladies.

Phyllis, we just wanted to stop by

and see how you are.

You did? Why?

Because we're concerned about your well-being.

And we'd like you to sign this completely standard

"no big deal" liability waiver.

[Laughter]

Oh, that's what's really going on.

I knew you had an ulterior motive,

- you pigmy slumlord. - [Laughter]

How dare you speak to him that way!

It's not Charles' fault that the carpet on the stairs

was loose.

The carpet was loose?

Did I say that?

Pay no attention to me. I'm very, very drunk.

[Laughter]

- I thought you had that fixed! - Well, I just hadn't decided

what pattern to replace it with.

Well, that kind of negligence

can have serious legal repercussions.

Hold on. No use getting crazy here.

Crazy? What does crazy really mean?

Maybe I'll call my lawyer and find out.

[Laughter]

The only thing your lawyer's gonna tell you

is to sign that completely standard,

- no liability... - Charles, let's go

before she owns the whole building.

[Laughter]

- Can you believe them? - [Door closes]

I know. I got 'em right where I want 'em.

- This is gonna be fun! - [Knock on door]

I've come bearing food for my lovely ladies.

Now, he is what I call a keeper.

Smart, successful, handsome

and secure enough to hire his girlfriend's ex.

- [Lament murmurs] - I hired your ex?

I thought you said Lorenzo was just your neighbor?

He is. We also may have gone on a few dates.

You lied to me.

No, not technically. I just left out that one fact

'cause I didn't think our previous relationship

was important. And if it helps you at all,

- it ended really badly. - [Laughter]

Look, all I know is

you didn't tell me the whole truth,

and now I'm stuck working with your ex-boyfriend.

[Lament murmurs]

He didn't know that part, did he?

[Laughter]

Well, thanks to you, he does now.

Well, go ahead and hit me if you want.

I'm on pain meds. I won't feel it.

[Laughter]

Nothin'.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

Ok, Spence. The first thing we're gonna do

is check out those problem spots

under the best possible lighting.

Thanks.

I'd ask Mona, but she doesn't understand.

Plus, her bathroom's lit by a broken heat lamp

- and a sponge-Bob nightlight. - [Laughter]

Now, I also took the Liberty of inviting someone

who knows more about cosmetic surgery

than anybody on the planet.

Hello, hello! Ok, Spencer,

naked to the waist. Chop-chop!

Mother!

Oh, don't be a prude, little Dee.

The body is a beautiful thing.

Although I may have spoken too soon.

[Laughter]

Ok, we're gonna need Dr. Clyne for here...

And here... ugh!

- And definitely here. - [Laughter]

Wait, wait, wait, wait! I only need help with one spot.

One? [Laughs]

Don't be silly. Look at this! And this!

And what in god's name is this?

[Laughter]

- Mona: Anybody home? - In here, honeysuckle!

[Laughter]

I gotta say, Spence,

those are some cheap-ass tattoos.

[Laughter]

That's it! I'm outta here!

I'll talk to you later, Dee Dee.

Wait! I missed a couple of flaws!

[Laughter]

I have a bone to pick with you.

- About what? - Because of your advice,

I got chase to hire Lorenzo,

and now things are really awkward and tense between us.

Why would things be awk... wait.

You did tell chase you dated Lorenzo, right?

- Not exactly. - [Laughter]

Well, that's on you.

Now he pretty much thinks I lied to him.

Well, you pretty much did!

Why would you try to keep that from him?

Because I never know how much of my past to reveal,

especially in a new relationship, and...

I was afraid that chase might read too much

into me dating Lorenzo and pull away.

Which is exactly what happened.

Well, what good is lying to protect yourself

- if it doesn't protect you? - [Laughter]

Look, Mona, the only way to fix this mess

is to tell chase the whole truth.

And fix the lighting in your bathroom!

- It really does explain a lot. - [Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

So, Phyllis, how do you like the truffles?

And the cooling gel eye mask?

And this nice, new cashmere blanket?

I love it.

But could you get me another one in green

so it won't clash with my eyes?

[Laughter]

- Of course! - [Laughter]

Like she knows the meaning of the word "clash."

Now, dear, we just need you to sign

right on the dotted line this liability release.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm still a little shaky from the fall.

Not that I blame you, but my lawyer does.

What was that term he used? Oh, yeah. "Punitive damages."

- [Laughter] - Now, listen, you...

- Uhhhhh... - [Laughter]

You poor injured soul.

We just wanna make things right.

Yes. There must be some way we can ease your pain.

Well... I can think of one thing.

[Laughter]

Mmm. I've always dreamt of being in this tub.

Funny. Seeing you in any tub is my nightmare.

[Laughter]

Whoo! These jets are great!

You don't know how awful back pain is.

I think I do since I carried you up here.

[Laughter]

There now. I will just leave you to do...

Oh! One more thing.

Since my movement is so limited,

- could you wash my hair? - [Laughter]

[Soft song]

Lorenzo!

We need to talk about your brioche.

Tonight's taste of France was to get people to like us,

not to give them more reason to hate the French.

- [Laughter] - You liked them before.

Well, the other ones were edible.

[Laughter]

You know, you've criticized everything I've done tonight.

What's up?

Look, I just need my pastry chef

to make something that won't require a stomach pump.

- [Laughter] - Cool.

[Song continues]

- Hey. - Hey, Mona.

You know, chase, you really shouldn't mistreat Lorenzo

just 'cause I used to date him.

It's not what I'm doing.

- Ok, it is. - [Laughter]

It's sweet that you're jealous, but there's no reason to be.

Yeah, there is.

He used to date the woman I love.

You...

Do you love me?

- I thought it was obvious. - Not to me.

But then obvious often sails right over my head

and gets tangled up in my hair.

[Laughter]

And I believe this is where you say you love me.

- You do love me, right? - Ohh!

In the spirit of tonight's theme, I say...

[Speaking French] Oui! Not only because I mean it,

but because the only other French word I know

- is "croissant." - [Laughter]

Oh. Wait, wait.

Before I forget why I came, I wanted to apologize

for not telling you the whole truth about Lorenzo.

I just wasn't sure if you would take it the wrong way.

- I'm sorry. - I appreciate that.

And I'll lighten up on Lorenzo.

After all, I guess his loss is my gain.

Really?

I don't think I've ever been somebody's gain before.

- I like it. - [Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

[Door opens]

- Oh! Hey, daddy. - Hey.

What are you doing here?

Still trying to get Phyllis to sign this release.

That's why she's in your spa tub.

She thought it would help her back.

- Your mom's in there, too. - She is?

- [Laughter] - How's that going?

- [Water splashing] - [Phyllis screams]

Phyllis: What the hell are you trying to do?

Apparently not too good.

[Laughter]

[Humming and laughter]

Well, the good news is Phyllis is clean.

The bad news is

she can hold her breath longer than I thought.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

First, they try to kill me with the stairs,

and now she tries to drown me. Well, I've had it.

No more "miss nice," "miss patient,"

"miss forgiving."

- That shouldn't be a stretch. - [Laughter]

What happened now?

My mother tried to kill your mother.

Frankly, I'm surprised it took this long.

[Laughter]

Do I look fat?

If I say yes, will you stop asking me?

Mona, this is serious.

I'm a pork chop away from Monique.

Ooh! Pork chops! Now I'm hungry!

[Laughter]

I'll show them Phyllis Thorne won't take this lying down!

I'm gonna sue them for everything they got.

Nice evening, isn't it, ladies? Phyllis.

Get out before I get a restraining order

along with the trespassing charges I'm filing against you.

And you might as well hand over those diamond earrings now,

'cause when I'm done, it's all gonna be mine.

[Laughter]

That's what I love about you, phyll. You're plucky.

Unfortunately, you're also out of "lucky."

What the hell are you talking about?

This broken heel. Look familiar?

It's yours. I found it in the hallway.

I thought it was Dee Dee's

until I saw it came from pay-less.

[Laughter]

- That doesn't prove it's mine. - No, but the calico fur ball

that was stuck to the bottom does.

[Laughter]

Cat hair and cheap shoes. The jig's up, ma.

[Laughter]

Oh, fine. The heel's mine. What about it?

It was this hairy heel giving way

under your crushing weight that caused you to fall,

not the carpet.

And you've known this whole time.

- Isn't that right? - [Laughter]

So, you let innocent people take the blame

and deviously manipulated everything to your advantage?

Wow. You and my mom do have a lot in common.

[Laughter]

[Both] Bite your tongue!

[Laughter]

What are you doing?

Taking back everything Charles and I gave you.

- Gimme that! - [Phyllis groans]

[Laughter]

Well, you can't take my dignity.

I think you lost that when you decided

- to keep your mustache. - [Laughter]

[Humming]

[Door closes]

[Introductory musical note]

[Knock on door]

Hey there, you sexy... Oh! Lorenzo!

I thought you were chase. He's sexy, not you.

I mean, you are, but not to me since I'm with chase.

So... [nervous laughter] Hi.

[Laughter]

Mona, I quit my job at sonoma.

After everything I went through? Why?

Look, I do appreciate what you did,

but working closely with chase just isn't a good idea.

I made a big mistake.

Yeah. I guess you should have never asked me for that favor.

No, the mistake was letting you go.

[Cheerful humming]

- Come again? - [Laughter]

All these months I've had to pass you in the hall

have been agony...

Knowing that I blew it with you.

I've wasted enough time thinking about us

and not acting on it.

- You've been thinking about us? - Yes.

I shouldn't have messed up with you.

I plan on correcting that.

- Hey, sweetie. - Hey.

Hey, Lorenzo.

You sure you won't reconsider your resignation?

Sorry. I've got some personal issues I need to work on.

Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Well, Mona and I are late, so we'll see you around.

Later.

[Soft song]

I hope everything works out for you, though, man.

You and me both.

[Song continues]

[Song fades]

I gotta be honest, Dee Dee.

I'm scared about having surgery.

I'll be honest, too.

You don't need it.

I think you have a bad body image

because you used to be fat. And now you're depressed

over a string of failed relationships...

I wouldn't exactly call it a string.

- Ok, it's a whole damn spool. - [Laughter]

You really think that's it?

Yes. Nothing is wrong with your body.

[Sighs] Good.

Then I can look forward

to taking my shirt off in public

as soon as the permanent marker wears off.

By the way, how long is permanent?

[Laughter]

[Introductory theme song]

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