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1
00:00:01,653 --> 00:00:03,533
Mona: Previously
on half and half...
2
00:00:03,612 --> 00:00:06,272
You know, Naomi,
there was a time
3
00:00:06,354 --> 00:00:08,314
when I'd just smile and
let your arrogance slide,
4
00:00:08,399 --> 00:00:09,789
but that time is not now.
5
00:00:09,879 --> 00:00:12,189
So get your ass up out my chair.
6
00:00:12,273 --> 00:00:13,973
Hi.
7
00:00:14,057 --> 00:00:15,927
When you said you
arranged a spa day for me,
8
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,666
I didn't realize you meant
a spa day for me and you.
9
00:00:18,757 --> 00:00:20,627
You said you needed a massage,
10
00:00:20,716 --> 00:00:22,976
and I've really been enjoying
spending time together.
11
00:00:24,154 --> 00:00:25,944
I just want you to
know how much.
12
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:28,246
[Soft piano music]
13
00:00:28,332 --> 00:00:29,942
[Whispers] I'm sorry.
14
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,390
I just can't handle
this right now.
15
00:00:32,684 --> 00:00:33,924
You haven't returned his calls.
16
00:00:33,946 --> 00:00:35,376
He has no idea what's going on.
17
00:00:35,470 --> 00:00:37,430
[Sighs] I think you
owe him an explanation.
18
00:00:37,515 --> 00:00:39,815
Spencer, my first
boyfriend and I,
19
00:00:39,909 --> 00:00:43,909
[sighs] We didn't use
condoms, and I contracted HIV.
20
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:45,000
[Whispers] Damn.
21
00:00:47,221 --> 00:00:50,401
Yeah, when I tell people,
I get all kinds of reactions.
22
00:00:50,485 --> 00:00:52,695
That's why I haven't had
many serious relationships.
23
00:00:52,791 --> 00:00:55,191
[Tongue clicks]
It doesn't matter.
24
00:00:55,272 --> 00:00:57,632
But you're still the same girl
I want to get to know better.
25
00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:01,103
Let's start here.
26
00:01:04,107 --> 00:01:06,937
[Introductory musical note]
27
00:01:07,023 --> 00:01:08,893
I haven't been bowling
since high school.
28
00:01:08,981 --> 00:01:10,241
That was so much fun.
29
00:01:10,331 --> 00:01:11,511
Not for me.
30
00:01:11,593 --> 00:01:14,813
- You kicked me butt.
- [Laughter]
31
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- That's why it was so much fun.
- [Laughter]
32
00:01:18,687 --> 00:01:20,247
Hold up.
33
00:01:20,341 --> 00:01:22,821
- The lady said no jalapenos.
- Spencer, it's ok.
34
00:01:22,908 --> 00:01:25,688
No. I want you to have
them the way you want them.
35
00:01:25,781 --> 00:01:28,091
Waiter, take these back.
36
00:01:28,175 --> 00:01:29,995
And don't just pick the
jalapenos off the top.
37
00:01:31,961 --> 00:01:35,571
- Cause I'll know.
- [Laughter]
38
00:01:37,358 --> 00:01:39,398
Spencer, you're really special.
39
00:01:40,578 --> 00:01:43,448
- I think so, too.
- [Laughter]
40
00:01:43,538 --> 00:01:45,628
[Introductory theme song]
41
00:01:45,714 --> 00:01:50,634
♪ through this
journey of discovery ♪
42
00:01:50,719 --> 00:01:55,119
♪ you finding you
I'm finding me ♪
43
00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:58,812
♪ now that I have
someone special ♪
44
00:01:58,901 --> 00:02:00,601
♪ who brings out the joy ♪
45
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♪ brings out the
joy inside of me ♪
46
00:02:02,557 --> 00:02:04,777
♪ inside of me ♪
47
00:02:04,863 --> 00:02:07,043
♪ we can become
whatever we want ♪
48
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♪ all we need is lovin' ♪
49
00:02:09,738 --> 00:02:12,648
♪ that's the way I
feel it should be ♪
50
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♪ you and me ♪
51
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,660
[Off-key] ♪ me ♪
52
00:02:17,746 --> 00:02:19,656
Ooh. [Ironic laughter]
53
00:02:21,532 --> 00:02:23,492
So ladies, I just got
my shooting script
54
00:02:23,578 --> 00:02:25,008
for junior high horror 3D...
55
00:02:25,101 --> 00:02:26,451
Hey, Mona, listen to this.
56
00:02:26,537 --> 00:02:28,237
[Laughter]
57
00:02:28,322 --> 00:02:30,982
Did I tell you my new
boyfriend Brad is an actor?
58
00:02:31,063 --> 00:02:33,023
We met during my
mom's wardrobe fitting.
59
00:02:33,109 --> 00:02:35,629
He's playing murdered
teacher number one.
60
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,330
[Laughter]
61
00:02:37,418 --> 00:02:38,938
Yes, you told me.
62
00:02:39,028 --> 00:02:40,728
Every day for the
last two weeks.
63
00:02:40,812 --> 00:02:42,682
But it's better than
listening to you whine on
64
00:02:42,771 --> 00:02:45,031
about your dating drought,
or your lack of s-e-x.
65
00:02:45,121 --> 00:02:47,341
[Laughter]
66
00:02:47,428 --> 00:02:48,668
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
think you could spell
67
00:02:48,690 --> 00:02:51,000
- after three martinis.
- [Laughter]
68
00:02:51,083 --> 00:02:52,913
Well, I can, and it's been four.
69
00:02:52,998 --> 00:02:55,038
- [Laughter]
- Any who, who would've thought
70
00:02:55,131 --> 00:02:56,701
that Dee lafontaine's
big screen debut
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00:02:56,785 --> 00:02:58,565
would be as a gym teacher.
72
00:02:58,656 --> 00:03:00,266
You mean, since the
only exercise you get
73
00:03:00,354 --> 00:03:02,574
is chasing down diamonds
and running up bills?
74
00:03:02,660 --> 00:03:03,790
[Laughter]
75
00:03:03,879 --> 00:03:05,139
A tee-hee. Now,
76
00:03:05,228 --> 00:03:06,798
in my people scene,
77
00:03:06,882 --> 00:03:08,642
I'm trapped in the showers
by a zombie ex-student
78
00:03:08,666 --> 00:03:10,226
helled bent on revenge.
79
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:11,600
Charles, help me show
the girls what we rehearsed.
80
00:03:11,626 --> 00:03:12,626
[Coughs]
81
00:03:13,715 --> 00:03:15,665
[Sighs] Don't kill me!
82
00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:19,160
- Please, don't kill me.
- [Laughter]
83
00:03:19,242 --> 00:03:21,072
So she finally pushed
you over the edge.
84
00:03:21,157 --> 00:03:22,767
[Laughter]
85
00:03:22,854 --> 00:03:24,814
Go for it, little man.
No one will blame you.
86
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:27,510
- Just let me get a good seat.
- [Laughter]
87
00:03:27,598 --> 00:03:30,598
[Introductory musical note]
88
00:03:30,688 --> 00:03:31,988
Brad...
89
00:03:32,081 --> 00:03:33,561
I've really had a
great time with you
90
00:03:33,648 --> 00:03:35,168
these last couple of weeks.
91
00:03:35,258 --> 00:03:36,738
We owe it all to your mom.
92
00:03:36,825 --> 00:03:38,125
I'm just sorry I got murdered
93
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,238
before I got to know her better.
94
00:03:39,262 --> 00:03:41,092
[Laughter]
95
00:03:41,177 --> 00:03:42,867
Hey, listen. I have
some great news.
96
00:03:42,961 --> 00:03:44,831
I've been cast in the
new San Francisco based
97
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:46,570
reality show.
98
00:03:46,661 --> 00:03:48,231
That is fantastic!
99
00:03:48,315 --> 00:03:50,055
Yeah, it's called
"the real one".
100
00:03:50,142 --> 00:03:51,622
It airs live, and
cameras follow me.
101
00:03:51,709 --> 00:03:53,189
In my quest to find a soul mate.
102
00:03:53,276 --> 00:03:55,446
[Laughter]
103
00:03:55,539 --> 00:03:58,019
But I thought we were dating.
104
00:03:58,107 --> 00:04:00,457
Look around, a cozy
booth, a dimly lit bar,
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00:04:00,544 --> 00:04:01,634
my hand on your thigh.
106
00:04:01,719 --> 00:04:03,939
[Laughter]
107
00:04:04,026 --> 00:04:06,546
Don't worry. I'm only doing
this show for my career.
108
00:04:06,637 --> 00:04:07,957
Besides, there's no
reason we can't continue
109
00:04:07,986 --> 00:04:09,206
dating on camera.
110
00:04:11,163 --> 00:04:12,693
You want me to be
on the show with you?
111
00:04:12,774 --> 00:04:15,084
With cameras and everything?
112
00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:16,837
Sure, we'll just keep
doing what we're doing now.
113
00:04:16,865 --> 00:04:18,205
Except with more make-up.
114
00:04:18,301 --> 00:04:20,091
[Laughter]
115
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You're wearing make-up?
116
00:04:21,478 --> 00:04:23,478
[Laughter]
117
00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:25,197
As an actor, I feel
it's in my best interest.
118
00:04:25,221 --> 00:04:26,531
- [Coughs]
- [Laughter]
119
00:04:26,614 --> 00:04:28,224
So, what do you say?
120
00:04:28,311 --> 00:04:31,621
Wow. I've never dated
anyone on TV before,
121
00:04:31,706 --> 00:04:34,136
but, ok, I guess.
122
00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:36,150
- So when do I have to be ready?
- Right now.
123
00:04:36,232 --> 00:04:38,232
Dee Dee, nice to meet
you, your job is to look hot.
124
00:04:38,321 --> 00:04:39,891
Brad, you're
trying to figure out
125
00:04:39,975 --> 00:04:41,815
if she's your soul mate or
someone you bang tonight.
126
00:04:41,846 --> 00:04:43,816
Now make me laugh, make me
cry, because if this show tanks,
127
00:04:43,848 --> 00:04:45,438
I'm back to videotaping
crime scenes, and...
128
00:04:45,459 --> 00:04:48,809
- Action.
- [Laughter]
129
00:04:48,897 --> 00:04:51,467
Brad! Nice to meet you.
130
00:04:51,552 --> 00:04:52,902
My name is Dee Dee.
131
00:04:52,988 --> 00:04:54,728
I'm saying that because
we've never met.
132
00:04:54,816 --> 00:04:57,116
Although some people say
we've all met in a previous life,
133
00:04:57,209 --> 00:04:59,079
- do you think that's true?
- Well, I guess...
134
00:04:59,168 --> 00:05:00,818
I totally agree.
135
00:05:00,909 --> 00:05:02,949
It's like the editorial in
the wall street journal.
136
00:05:03,041 --> 00:05:04,741
Which I read today
as I do every day,
137
00:05:04,826 --> 00:05:06,506
after I finish the San
Francisco chronicle,
138
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:07,887
which I really only
get for the sodoku...
139
00:05:07,916 --> 00:05:09,176
Dee Dee...
140
00:05:09,265 --> 00:05:10,605
Take a breath and
have some wine.
141
00:05:10,701 --> 00:05:11,921
Let me talk.
142
00:05:12,007 --> 00:05:13,697
[Laughter]
143
00:05:13,791 --> 00:05:15,711
So, Brad, what
do you do for fun?
144
00:05:17,012 --> 00:05:20,022
- Well, I run...
- Me too! Five miles a day.
145
00:05:20,102 --> 00:05:22,842
Although, what's really
helped me is sports meditation.
146
00:05:22,931 --> 00:05:24,191
Sometimes I just chant...
147
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:25,720
Stay on her. She's a time bomb.
148
00:05:25,803 --> 00:05:27,113
We're talking tick tick boom.
149
00:05:27,196 --> 00:05:29,016
Dee Dee, go. Dee Dee, go.
150
00:05:29,111 --> 00:05:31,461
And it really works
because my job is stressful...
151
00:05:31,548 --> 00:05:33,328
[Introductory musical note]
152
00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:34,640
- [Knock on door]
- [Shighs]
153
00:05:36,074 --> 00:05:38,604
- Hey.
- Hey.
154
00:05:38,686 --> 00:05:40,856
It's really good to see you.
155
00:05:40,949 --> 00:05:43,299
Well, I figured I
should really thank you
156
00:05:43,386 --> 00:05:44,826
for talking Naomi
into talking to me.
157
00:05:44,909 --> 00:05:46,909
I just thought she
owed you an explanation
158
00:05:46,998 --> 00:05:48,388
for the way she
was treating you.
159
00:05:48,478 --> 00:05:50,738
[Tongue clicks]
Well, she had one.
160
00:05:50,828 --> 00:05:52,088
Actually, it was a good one.
161
00:05:52,177 --> 00:05:53,957
Oh, really, like what?
162
00:05:54,049 --> 00:05:56,179
[Sighs] She's HIV positive.
163
00:05:56,268 --> 00:05:57,748
[Audience gasps]
164
00:05:57,835 --> 00:05:58,835
Wow.
165
00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:03,666
Spencer, I never liked
her, but now I wish I hadn't
166
00:06:03,754 --> 00:06:05,894
said so many terrible
things about her.
167
00:06:05,974 --> 00:06:09,544
[Sighs] Yeah. You have
been pretty rough on her.
168
00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:12,810
Look, Spencer, I'm so sorry, I
know how into Naomi you were.
169
00:06:12,894 --> 00:06:15,684
Were? I still am.
170
00:06:15,766 --> 00:06:17,286
What, you think I'm so shallow
171
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,047
that I can just turn off my
feelings because of this?
172
00:06:19,074 --> 00:06:20,684
You? Well, yeah.
173
00:06:20,771 --> 00:06:23,211
[Laughter]
174
00:06:23,295 --> 00:06:24,465
Well, maybe a year ago.
175
00:06:26,995 --> 00:06:30,035
But a lot of people have
already turned against Naomi.
176
00:06:30,128 --> 00:06:31,998
I'm not gonna be one of them.
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00:06:32,087 --> 00:06:33,347
[Opens door and closes]
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00:06:33,436 --> 00:06:35,436
[Introductory musical note]
179
00:06:35,525 --> 00:06:37,305
And every time
the camera was on,
180
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,217
I turned into
this babbling idiot
181
00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:40,491
I don't even know.
182
00:06:40,574 --> 00:06:41,814
I mean, I'm not
like that at all.
183
00:06:41,836 --> 00:06:43,156
Am I like that?
I'm not like that.
184
00:06:43,228 --> 00:06:44,448
Oh, my god, I am like that.
185
00:06:44,534 --> 00:06:45,714
[Laughter]
186
00:06:45,796 --> 00:06:47,446
I bet you if you
pour us some scotch,
187
00:06:47,537 --> 00:06:48,837
we'll all feel better.
188
00:06:48,930 --> 00:06:50,490
- [Laughter]
- Or at least less parched.
189
00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:54,504
Having a drink to
cheer myself up.
190
00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:56,018
Dear lord, is
this how it starts?
191
00:06:56,111 --> 00:06:57,371
[Laughter]
192
00:06:57,460 --> 00:06:59,200
It starts with
talking to yourself.
193
00:06:59,288 --> 00:07:01,288
[Laughter]
194
00:07:01,377 --> 00:07:03,287
Yes, that's exactly
how it started.
195
00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:06,358
[Sighs] Well, I have
some very exciting news.
196
00:07:06,382 --> 00:07:07,782
Junior high horror 3D,
197
00:07:07,862 --> 00:07:09,952
has just brought on
an "a" list director.
198
00:07:10,038 --> 00:07:13,078
Congratulations! Who is
it? Tim Burton, Wes craven?
199
00:07:13,171 --> 00:07:16,091
- Ludvig kapec.
- [Laughter]
200
00:07:16,174 --> 00:07:17,464
He has brought us
some of the world's
201
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,530
favorite czechoslovakian films,
202
00:07:19,613 --> 00:07:22,093
including a highly praised:
A pierogie for pavel.
203
00:07:22,180 --> 00:07:23,750
- [Laughter]
- [Dee gasps]
204
00:07:23,834 --> 00:07:27,014
As an auteur, he has
changed my part dramatically.
205
00:07:27,098 --> 00:07:30,748
Dee lafontaine will
be doing a nude scene.
206
00:07:30,841 --> 00:07:33,061
Bare, buck naked.
207
00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:35,368
[Laughter]
208
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,235
- That's fantastic.
- It is?
209
00:07:37,326 --> 00:07:38,456
It is?
210
00:07:38,545 --> 00:07:40,235
Charles: Of course, it is.
211
00:07:40,329 --> 00:07:42,179
[Clicks] Your mother's got
the back porch to pull it off.
212
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,330
[Laughter]
213
00:07:45,856 --> 00:07:47,226
Mom, how much of
this do I have to drink
214
00:07:47,249 --> 00:07:48,419
to forget what he said?
215
00:07:48,511 --> 00:07:50,641
[Laughter]
216
00:07:50,731 --> 00:07:51,971
You need a little bit
more than that, baby.
217
00:07:51,993 --> 00:07:53,123
[Laughter]
218
00:07:53,211 --> 00:07:55,741
[Introductory musical note]
219
00:07:55,823 --> 00:07:57,963
[Sighs] Bringing your
sister to watch your boyfriend
220
00:07:58,042 --> 00:07:59,652
on a date with another girl.
221
00:07:59,740 --> 00:08:00,930
We should have
our own reality show
222
00:08:00,958 --> 00:08:02,258
called I'm with crazy.
223
00:08:02,351 --> 00:08:04,701
[Laughter]
224
00:08:04,788 --> 00:08:07,438
Ooh, Brad's date's a hottie.
225
00:08:07,530 --> 00:08:09,880
Since when does blond,
silky hair and big jugs
226
00:08:09,967 --> 00:08:11,577
make someone hot?
227
00:08:11,665 --> 00:08:14,275
- Since man walked upright.
- [Laughter]
228
00:08:15,669 --> 00:08:17,499
Dee Dee: Wow. He likes her.
229
00:08:17,584 --> 00:08:19,984
I can't believe it. I
thought he liked me.
230
00:08:20,064 --> 00:08:22,244
I'm sure he's just pretending
to like her for the show.
231
00:08:22,327 --> 00:08:25,677
- Brad's not that good an actor.
- [Laughter]
232
00:08:25,766 --> 00:08:27,986
Dee Dee, is dating this guy
on camera really worth it?
233
00:08:28,072 --> 00:08:31,212
[Sighs] Let's see.
Boyfriend on camera,
234
00:08:31,293 --> 00:08:33,303
or back to lonely
nights and weekends
235
00:08:33,382 --> 00:08:34,822
relying on you for
something to do
236
00:08:34,905 --> 00:08:36,575
when you're not too
busy with your boyfriend.
237
00:08:36,603 --> 00:08:39,173
- Yeah. It's worth it.
- [Laughter]
238
00:08:39,257 --> 00:08:41,217
And... cut.
239
00:08:41,303 --> 00:08:42,873
I think we got us a
hot, new romance.
240
00:08:45,394 --> 00:08:48,054
I need to talk to Brad
for a second, Cindy.
241
00:08:48,136 --> 00:08:50,746
Why don't you use that
time to button your blouse.
242
00:08:50,834 --> 00:08:53,054
- If you can.
- [Laughter]
243
00:08:53,141 --> 00:08:55,101
Brad doesn't seem to mind.
244
00:08:55,186 --> 00:08:56,356
Do you, Brad?
245
00:08:56,448 --> 00:08:59,018
[Giggling]
246
00:08:59,103 --> 00:09:01,243
[Laughter]
247
00:09:01,323 --> 00:09:03,113
Look, I've given
it some thought,
248
00:09:03,194 --> 00:09:06,244
and I'm not really comfortable
competing with other women.
249
00:09:06,328 --> 00:09:07,848
Let me guess, you
heard about Jennifer.
250
00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:09,848
The massage in the hot
tub was totally innocent.
251
00:09:09,940 --> 00:09:11,160
[Laughter]
252
00:09:11,246 --> 00:09:13,196
I didn't hear about that.
253
00:09:13,291 --> 00:09:14,571
Oh, then it must be about Renee.
254
00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:15,921
She just likes to
talk with her top off.
255
00:09:15,946 --> 00:09:17,596
[Laughter]
256
00:09:17,687 --> 00:09:19,207
I must've missed
a lot of episodes.
257
00:09:20,603 --> 00:09:22,323
Come on, Dee Dee, it's
my job to make this stuff
258
00:09:22,344 --> 00:09:23,744
as stimulating as possible.
259
00:09:23,824 --> 00:09:25,784
Was sticking your
tongue down Cindy's throat
260
00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:27,089
part of your job?
261
00:09:27,175 --> 00:09:28,605
You know what,
last time I checked,
262
00:09:28,698 --> 00:09:30,658
I was the one
picking the real one,
263
00:09:30,744 --> 00:09:33,444
and Dee Dee, you're not it.
264
00:09:33,529 --> 00:09:35,329
- You're breaking up with me?
- Get a close up.
265
00:09:35,357 --> 00:09:37,187
I want to get the look
of shock on her face.
266
00:09:37,272 --> 00:09:38,272
You're filming this?
267
00:09:38,316 --> 00:09:39,396
That's the look. We got it.
268
00:09:39,448 --> 00:09:41,578
[Laughter]
269
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:44,800
[Laughter]
270
00:09:44,845 --> 00:09:46,795
[Introductory musical note]
271
00:09:46,890 --> 00:09:47,890
[Doorbell buzzes]
272
00:09:49,066 --> 00:09:50,976
- Hey, Spencer.
- Hey.
273
00:09:51,068 --> 00:09:53,808
I brought your favorite
pizza. Sausage and pepperoni,
274
00:09:53,897 --> 00:09:55,767
with extra sausage
and pepperoni.
275
00:09:57,379 --> 00:09:59,159
Oh, you've been
paying attention.
276
00:09:59,250 --> 00:10:01,210
I like that.
277
00:10:01,296 --> 00:10:02,736
[Gasps] I got
something for you, too.
278
00:10:04,342 --> 00:10:06,872
I booked us a ski trip in Aspen.
279
00:10:06,954 --> 00:10:08,264
A less sophisticated brother
280
00:10:08,346 --> 00:10:10,646
might have suggested
we go to Vegas,
281
00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:12,870
though there's a special
rate at circus circus.
282
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,920
- You like sin city, baby?
- [Laughter]
283
00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:16,395
You know, Spencer,
284
00:10:16,485 --> 00:10:18,915
when I first found out
about my HIV status,
285
00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:20,969
I totally shut down emotionally.
286
00:10:21,055 --> 00:10:23,135
Which is understandable.
287
00:10:23,231 --> 00:10:25,411
I mean, that's pretty
devastating news.
288
00:10:25,494 --> 00:10:27,244
But I'm here to
help with all of that.
289
00:10:27,322 --> 00:10:28,582
[Laughter]
290
00:10:28,671 --> 00:10:30,331
And you have.
291
00:10:30,412 --> 00:10:32,242
You've accepted
everything about me.
292
00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:33,627
And because of you,
293
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,000
I know I'm worthy
of being loved again.
294
00:10:35,025 --> 00:10:37,985
- Yes, you are.
- [Laughter]
295
00:10:38,072 --> 00:10:39,472
Spencer, you've
given me the courage
296
00:10:39,551 --> 00:10:41,421
to open up and to believe
297
00:10:41,510 --> 00:10:43,640
that someone can love
me despite my situation.
298
00:10:45,296 --> 00:10:47,256
So I'm willing to give
our relationship a chance.
299
00:10:47,342 --> 00:10:49,822
I knew all this mocha manhood
300
00:10:49,910 --> 00:10:51,480
would finally get
your attention.
301
00:10:51,563 --> 00:10:53,783
[Laughter]
302
00:10:53,870 --> 00:10:57,480
I meant, I'm ready
to confess how I feel
303
00:10:57,569 --> 00:10:59,179
to a guy I fell in
love with years ago.
304
00:11:01,138 --> 00:11:03,138
- What?
- [Laughter]
305
00:11:03,227 --> 00:11:05,137
I've just always been
too scared to tell him.
306
00:11:07,014 --> 00:11:08,804
But, I... [Scoffs]
307
00:11:08,885 --> 00:11:10,275
Where the hell did he come from?
308
00:11:10,365 --> 00:11:11,705
[Laughter]
309
00:11:11,801 --> 00:11:13,671
We've been friends for years.
310
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:16,330
I've just been too
afraid to pursue it further.
311
00:11:16,414 --> 00:11:18,904
But now, I'm not. Thanks to you.
312
00:11:18,982 --> 00:11:20,852
I'm so damn helpful.
313
00:11:20,941 --> 00:11:22,861
[Laughter]
314
00:11:26,337 --> 00:11:29,467
[Sighs] I'll never forget
what you did for me, Spencer.
315
00:11:29,558 --> 00:11:30,558
[Doorbell buzzes]
316
00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:34,649
[Exhales]
317
00:11:36,957 --> 00:11:39,347
Hey, guys. I'm glad
you're both here.
318
00:11:39,437 --> 00:11:41,917
I brought you a little present.
319
00:11:42,005 --> 00:11:43,745
Naomi, I know you and
320
00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:45,843
I have had our
difficulties in the past.
321
00:11:45,922 --> 00:11:47,712
But that's just
what it is, the past.
322
00:11:47,794 --> 00:11:49,164
Cause now that you and
Spencer are together...
323
00:11:49,186 --> 00:11:50,226
Mona, she just dumped me.
324
00:11:51,841 --> 00:11:52,911
How could you do that to him?
325
00:11:52,929 --> 00:11:54,799
[Laughter]
326
00:11:54,888 --> 00:11:57,188
Old Mona. Pleasant as usual.
327
00:11:57,281 --> 00:11:58,981
[Laughter]
328
00:11:59,066 --> 00:12:00,546
Spencer,
329
00:12:00,632 --> 00:12:02,202
I hope we can still be friends.
330
00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:04,716
- He's got friends.
- [Laughter]
331
00:12:09,163 --> 00:12:10,693
Man.
332
00:12:10,773 --> 00:12:12,603
Didn't see that one coming.
333
00:12:12,688 --> 00:12:13,968
Spence, I know
it doesn't seem...
334
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:16,264
I just want to be
alone right now.
335
00:12:16,344 --> 00:12:17,784
Are you sure?
336
00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:18,907
Because I'm here.
337
00:12:20,130 --> 00:12:22,830
Mona, the only reason
you came over here
338
00:12:22,916 --> 00:12:24,396
is because you're
feeling guilty.
339
00:12:24,482 --> 00:12:26,532
You haven't supported
me through any of this.
340
00:12:26,615 --> 00:12:28,745
Now you want to
act like you care?
341
00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:30,005
Well, I know you don't.
342
00:12:31,228 --> 00:12:32,228
So just leave.
343
00:12:33,317 --> 00:12:34,317
[Scoffs]
344
00:12:37,539 --> 00:12:40,409
[Introductory musical note]
345
00:12:43,023 --> 00:12:46,503
[Introductory musical note]
346
00:12:46,591 --> 00:12:48,121
Where are Dee Dee and Spencer?
347
00:12:48,202 --> 00:12:49,992
It's not like him to
miss a free meal.
348
00:12:50,073 --> 00:12:51,553
He's not speaking to me,
349
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,860
so I'm guessing he's
not eating with me either.
350
00:12:53,947 --> 00:12:55,507
Hey, your father and I
351
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:58,040
shared many a silent,
angry meal together.
352
00:12:58,125 --> 00:13:00,295
Those were some
of our happiest times.
353
00:13:00,388 --> 00:13:01,778
I really blew it, mom.
354
00:13:01,868 --> 00:13:03,348
Spencer's completely
shut me out.
355
00:13:03,434 --> 00:13:05,194
Oh, baby. Sometimes,
when the people you love
356
00:13:05,262 --> 00:13:06,702
tell you to leave them alone,
357
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,656
it just means they need
you more than ever.
358
00:13:08,744 --> 00:13:10,664
That's why I have five
keys to your apartment.
359
00:13:10,746 --> 00:13:13,226
- And a ladder for the window.
- [Laughter]
360
00:13:13,314 --> 00:13:14,644
Mom, when I tell you
to leave me alone,
361
00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:16,323
- i really mean it.
- Can't hear you.
362
00:13:16,404 --> 00:13:18,714
Ok, people, I'm here.
363
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,448
And I don't want to talk
about last night's TV disaster.
364
00:13:21,539 --> 00:13:23,409
I'm sure nobody saw it anyway.
365
00:13:23,498 --> 00:13:26,198
Oh, my gosh. You
were on "the real one".
366
00:13:26,283 --> 00:13:28,373
You're desperate Dee Dee.
367
00:13:28,459 --> 00:13:29,979
You look more haggard in person.
368
00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:32,860
But who wouldn't after
that humiliating break up.
369
00:13:32,942 --> 00:13:35,212
[Laughter]
370
00:13:35,292 --> 00:13:37,382
Ok, one person saw.
371
00:13:37,468 --> 00:13:39,728
Dee Dee. From "the real one".
372
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,999
[Chuckles] Don't deny it, I
can tell by the look in your eyes.
373
00:13:43,083 --> 00:13:46,743
- I love you, Dee Dee.
- [Laughter]
374
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:50,526
- Ok, Mr. Nutty. Move it along.
- [Laughter]
375
00:13:52,092 --> 00:13:53,702
Oh, my god.
376
00:13:53,789 --> 00:13:55,529
I've been branded
desperate Dee Dee
377
00:13:55,617 --> 00:13:56,877
from "the real one".
378
00:13:56,966 --> 00:13:59,136
- I'm gonna die alone.
- [Laughter]
379
00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:00,579
You can always get some cats.
380
00:14:00,665 --> 00:14:02,535
You want me to die
alone covered in cat hair.
381
00:14:02,624 --> 00:14:03,934
[Laughter]
382
00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:05,797
Too bad you can't
get back on the show.
383
00:14:05,888 --> 00:14:07,408
Maybe you could
change your image,
384
00:14:07,498 --> 00:14:09,298
and not seem like a needy,
pathetic loser anymore.
385
00:14:09,326 --> 00:14:11,106
I say, go for it.
386
00:14:11,198 --> 00:14:12,498
I mean, it can't get any worse.
387
00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:13,870
Hey, if you won't
go out with me,
388
00:14:13,896 --> 00:14:15,416
can you at least sign my chest?
389
00:14:15,506 --> 00:14:18,246
- I'm very smooth.
- [Laughter]
390
00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:20,635
[Introductory musical note]
391
00:14:20,729 --> 00:14:21,729
Bye, baby.
392
00:14:22,731 --> 00:14:24,391
Phyllis, have you
heard the big news?
393
00:14:24,472 --> 00:14:26,262
My Dee is doing a
nude scene in her movie,
394
00:14:26,343 --> 00:14:27,693
junior high horror 3D.
395
00:14:27,779 --> 00:14:29,559
- [Laughter]
- That's right.
396
00:14:29,651 --> 00:14:31,521
Though I've been
a dedicated user,
397
00:14:31,609 --> 00:14:34,129
I've stepped up my regimen
of olay face and body products.
398
00:14:34,221 --> 00:14:35,461
By the time I do my nude scene,
399
00:14:35,526 --> 00:14:37,656
I'll have the skin of a newborn.
400
00:14:37,746 --> 00:14:38,976
Minus the baby
fat and afterbirth.
401
00:14:39,008 --> 00:14:40,488
[Laughter]
402
00:14:40,575 --> 00:14:42,205
Now the whole world
will see her amazing body.
403
00:14:42,229 --> 00:14:43,489
In 3D.
404
00:14:43,578 --> 00:14:46,018
Big girl naked
on the big screen.
405
00:14:46,102 --> 00:14:47,502
Now that really
is a horror film.
406
00:14:47,582 --> 00:14:49,542
[Laughter]
407
00:14:49,627 --> 00:14:51,757
[Giggles]
408
00:14:51,847 --> 00:14:53,367
I'm going to the
ladies room, Brad.
409
00:14:53,457 --> 00:14:54,997
And when I come back,
you'll have to guess
410
00:14:55,024 --> 00:14:58,384
which article of clothing
I am not wearing.
411
00:14:58,462 --> 00:15:00,382
Here's a hint. [Giggles]
412
00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:04,642
[Laughter]
413
00:15:04,729 --> 00:15:05,909
God, I love that girl.
414
00:15:05,992 --> 00:15:07,602
[Laughter]
415
00:15:07,689 --> 00:15:09,649
Hi, Brad.
416
00:15:09,734 --> 00:15:11,014
Dee Dee, what
are you doing here?
417
00:15:14,391 --> 00:15:15,741
[Lips smack]
418
00:15:15,827 --> 00:15:17,567
We're good together, Brad.
419
00:15:17,655 --> 00:15:19,435
You know it, I know it,
420
00:15:19,527 --> 00:15:21,047
and 88% of viewers
421
00:15:21,137 --> 00:15:22,377
who took the
on-line poll know it.
422
00:15:22,399 --> 00:15:24,709
[Laughter]
423
00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:25,793
Cindy: Brad!
424
00:15:25,881 --> 00:15:27,751
I thought you liked me.
425
00:15:27,839 --> 00:15:29,409
I scribbled your
name on a body part
426
00:15:29,493 --> 00:15:31,323
I was gonna pour honey on later.
427
00:15:31,408 --> 00:15:33,018
[Giggles]
428
00:15:33,106 --> 00:15:34,666
I'm sorry, Cindy.
429
00:15:34,759 --> 00:15:37,019
Oh, don't look so sad.
430
00:15:37,110 --> 00:15:38,550
You'll be ok.
431
00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:40,723
Sluts tend to
land on their feet.
432
00:15:40,809 --> 00:15:42,379
Well, actually on their backs,
433
00:15:42,463 --> 00:15:43,773
but you know what I mean.
434
00:15:45,814 --> 00:15:48,774
Actually, I'm happy
for you, Dee Dee.
435
00:15:48,860 --> 00:15:50,340
After your break up with Brad,
436
00:15:50,427 --> 00:15:53,037
there was just something
so desperate about you.
437
00:15:53,126 --> 00:15:55,996
[Sighs] Like you hadn't had
a date in a really long time.
438
00:15:57,521 --> 00:15:59,571
It's clear you need
Brad more than I do.
439
00:15:59,654 --> 00:16:01,574
So, you take him.
440
00:16:01,656 --> 00:16:04,306
You'd sacrifice me to
make Dee Dee happy?
441
00:16:04,398 --> 00:16:05,528
Cindy, you're amazing.
442
00:16:05,616 --> 00:16:07,616
[Scoffs] Am I, Brad?
443
00:16:07,705 --> 00:16:11,315
[Laughter]
444
00:16:11,405 --> 00:16:12,965
Yeah. You are.
445
00:16:13,059 --> 00:16:14,839
Cindy...
446
00:16:14,930 --> 00:16:15,930
You're the real one.
447
00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:18,498
- [Giggles]
- Oh, hell no!
448
00:16:18,586 --> 00:16:20,236
You can't reject me twice.
449
00:16:20,327 --> 00:16:22,977
Please, Brad. She's
not the real one.
450
00:16:23,069 --> 00:16:24,439
I'm the real one.
Say I'm the real one.
451
00:16:24,461 --> 00:16:25,461
Say it! Say it!
452
00:16:25,549 --> 00:16:28,069
[Laughter]
453
00:16:28,161 --> 00:16:29,731
I so totally made
the right choice.
454
00:16:29,814 --> 00:16:31,564
- [Giggles]
- [Laughter]
455
00:16:31,642 --> 00:16:33,782
-[Introductory musical note]
[Doorbell buzzes]
456
00:16:35,733 --> 00:16:37,393
Look, I know you
don't want to talk to me.
457
00:16:37,474 --> 00:16:39,224
[R&B music] Mona,
this is not a good time.
458
00:16:39,302 --> 00:16:41,872
Too bad, I'm not letting
you go through this alone.
459
00:16:41,957 --> 00:16:43,737
Oh, my god. You're binging.
460
00:16:43,828 --> 00:16:45,698
[Laughter]
461
00:16:45,787 --> 00:16:47,767
It's like our first year
of college all over again.
462
00:16:47,789 --> 00:16:49,399
It's how I gained
my freshman 15.
463
00:16:49,486 --> 00:16:50,486
I gained 30.
464
00:16:51,271 --> 00:16:53,321
- It was a thick year.
- [Laughter]
465
00:16:54,839 --> 00:16:56,019
Spencer, don't do this.
466
00:16:56,102 --> 00:16:57,672
Remember all the books
467
00:16:57,755 --> 00:16:59,465
the nutrition counselor
made us read that said,
468
00:16:59,496 --> 00:17:01,146
we're just hurting ourselves.
469
00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:03,497
- Books lie.
- [Laughter]
470
00:17:03,587 --> 00:17:04,847
Marshmallow creme is my friend.
471
00:17:04,936 --> 00:17:06,496
[Laughter]
472
00:17:06,590 --> 00:17:07,850
Don't worry.
473
00:17:07,939 --> 00:17:09,179
Your on screen
fiasco will blow over
474
00:17:09,202 --> 00:17:10,442
just as soon as the
next media whore
475
00:17:10,464 --> 00:17:11,554
gets his or her 15 minutes.
476
00:17:12,901 --> 00:17:15,081
- Hopefully, that'll be me.
- [Laughter]
477
00:17:15,164 --> 00:17:16,644
Miss lafontaine,
478
00:17:16,731 --> 00:17:18,531
I need to see your body
before the nude scene.
479
00:17:18,559 --> 00:17:20,339
- I hope you don't mind.
- [Laughter]
480
00:17:20,430 --> 00:17:22,260
Mind? I'm an actor, Mr. Kapec.
481
00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:24,475
A tool for you to create
your cinematic vision.
482
00:17:24,565 --> 00:17:25,775
- Implement me.
- Mom!
483
00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:28,218
Are you sure?
484
00:17:28,308 --> 00:17:29,958
Your father doesn't
care, so why should I?
485
00:17:31,311 --> 00:17:32,571
[Grunts]
486
00:17:32,660 --> 00:17:34,140
Oh, no, no!
487
00:17:34,227 --> 00:17:35,227
I cannot work with this.
488
00:17:36,316 --> 00:17:37,556
What have you done to yourself?
489
00:17:37,621 --> 00:17:38,621
[Laughter]
490
00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:40,099
Well, I've had two kids,
491
00:17:40,189 --> 00:17:42,889
and I've been around
the block a few times.
492
00:17:42,974 --> 00:17:45,284
This is not body of middle
aged gymnastics coach.
493
00:17:45,368 --> 00:17:47,068
This is nubile teenager.
494
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:49,293
A virginal nymph
wandering in the forest.
495
00:17:49,372 --> 00:17:50,592
[Laughter]
496
00:17:50,678 --> 00:17:52,848
I need old, wrinkled flesh.
497
00:17:54,377 --> 00:17:56,547
Please don't fire me
because my skin is so supple.
498
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:57,950
[Laughter]
499
00:17:58,033 --> 00:17:59,733
Ludvig not fire you.
500
00:17:59,817 --> 00:18:01,687
Will get wrinkled body double.
501
00:18:01,776 --> 00:18:03,686
I saw old, black man
playing sax outside gate.
502
00:18:04,866 --> 00:18:06,776
Get me old, black man
playing sax outside gate.
503
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:07,958
[Laughter]
504
00:18:09,218 --> 00:18:10,918
Oh! Thank god.
505
00:18:11,002 --> 00:18:12,552
I really didn't want to
be naked on screen.
506
00:18:12,569 --> 00:18:14,089
But thanks to my olay products,
507
00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:15,860
I might be up for the
younger acting parts.
508
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,570
Perhaps as Halle
Berry's twin sister.
509
00:18:17,661 --> 00:18:18,711
[Laughter]
510
00:18:18,793 --> 00:18:20,453
Dee, stop.
511
00:18:20,534 --> 00:18:22,034
I don't want you
doing this nude scene.
512
00:18:22,057 --> 00:18:23,887
The truth is, I never
wanted you to do this.
513
00:18:23,972 --> 00:18:26,932
I don't want the whole world
seeing what I see every night.
514
00:18:27,018 --> 00:18:28,978
Or every other
weekend, if I'm lucky.
515
00:18:29,064 --> 00:18:30,634
[Laughter]
516
00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:33,627
If that's what
you want, darling,
517
00:18:33,721 --> 00:18:35,681
I'll tell ludvig he'll have
to get a body double.
518
00:18:35,766 --> 00:18:37,026
As long as you're happy,
519
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,896
I don't even care if
it's an old black man.
520
00:18:38,987 --> 00:18:40,547
[Laughter]
521
00:18:42,382 --> 00:18:44,172
Thanks, Dee.
522
00:18:44,253 --> 00:18:45,273
I think a more
appropriate thank you
523
00:18:45,298 --> 00:18:46,908
would be a trip to Tiffany.
524
00:18:46,995 --> 00:18:48,475
[Laughter]
525
00:18:48,562 --> 00:18:49,932
I'll get the Bentley,
and the black card.
526
00:18:49,954 --> 00:18:51,394
- [Hums]
- [Laughter]
527
00:18:54,698 --> 00:18:57,218
That performance was inspired.
528
00:18:57,310 --> 00:18:59,140
Daddy had no idea
you were playing him.
529
00:18:59,225 --> 00:19:00,615
He never does.
530
00:19:00,704 --> 00:19:02,664
Marriage has actually
improved my acting.
531
00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:04,400
[Laughter]
532
00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:06,541
You can't beat cheese in a can.
533
00:19:06,623 --> 00:19:08,413
It's so damn convenient.
534
00:19:13,282 --> 00:19:15,422
Spencer, I am so sorry.
535
00:19:15,502 --> 00:19:17,032
I let my feelings about Naomi
536
00:19:17,112 --> 00:19:18,682
get in the way
of our friendship.
537
00:19:18,766 --> 00:19:19,976
Me, too.
538
00:19:20,071 --> 00:19:21,551
I promise to be more supportive
539
00:19:21,638 --> 00:19:24,028
of your relationships
from now on.
540
00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:25,949
And if you want to talk
about Naomi all night,
541
00:19:26,034 --> 00:19:27,434
I'll listen.
542
00:19:27,514 --> 00:19:30,524
[Sighs] The thing
that gets me is,
543
00:19:30,604 --> 00:19:32,914
it didn't matter to
me that she has HIV.
544
00:19:32,997 --> 00:19:34,737
I just wish I could've shown her
545
00:19:34,825 --> 00:19:35,995
how evolved I am.
546
00:19:36,087 --> 00:19:39,217
Spencer, I'm sure
Naomi saw that.
547
00:19:39,308 --> 00:19:40,478
You've really grown
548
00:19:40,570 --> 00:19:42,310
since the guy I knew in college.
549
00:19:42,398 --> 00:19:44,228
- You think so?
- Yeah.[Laugh]
550
00:19:44,966 --> 00:19:46,706
But let's make sure
you don't grow too much.
551
00:19:46,794 --> 00:19:47,804
[Laughter]
552
00:19:50,711 --> 00:19:52,191
I've always said,
you're never too old
553
00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:53,544
to take care of your skin.
554
00:19:53,627 --> 00:19:55,847
You should know.
You're in your early 100s.
555
00:19:55,933 --> 00:19:57,723
[Laughter]
556
00:19:57,805 --> 00:19:59,235
Phyllis, you should use
557
00:19:59,328 --> 00:20:01,198
this quench body
lotion on your elbows.
558
00:20:01,287 --> 00:20:03,807
Yeah, they're like sandpaper.
559
00:20:03,898 --> 00:20:05,398
You nudged me earlier,
and damn near cut me.
560
00:20:05,421 --> 00:20:07,821
[Laughter]
561
00:20:07,902 --> 00:20:10,172
Mona, can you rub
some lotion on my back?
562
00:20:10,252 --> 00:20:11,782
I'm having a little
trouble reaching
563
00:20:11,862 --> 00:20:13,692
on account of my massive biceps.
564
00:20:14,561 --> 00:20:16,431
Sorry, I don't rub anything
565
00:20:16,519 --> 00:20:18,319
on anyone who doesn't
take me out to dinner first.
566
00:20:18,347 --> 00:20:20,307
-[Laughter]
[Introductory musical note]
567
00:20:20,357 --> 00:20:24,907
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