Original subtitles

Mona: Previously on half and half...

You know, Naomi, there was a time

when I'd just smile and let your arrogance slide,

but that time is not now.

So get your ass up out my chair.

Hi.

When you said you arranged a spa day for me,

I didn't realize you meant a spa day for me and you.

You said you needed a massage,

and I've really been enjoying spending time together.

I just want you to know how much.

[Soft piano music]

[Whispers] I'm sorry.

I just can't handle this right now.

You haven't returned his calls.

He has no idea what's going on.

[Sighs] I think you owe him an explanation.

Spencer, my first boyfriend and I,

[sighs] We didn't use condoms, and I contracted HIV.

[Whispers] Damn.

Yeah, when I tell people, I get all kinds of reactions.

That's why I haven't had many serious relationships.

[Tongue clicks] It doesn't matter.

But you're still the same girl I want to get to know better.

Let's start here.

[Introductory musical note]

I haven't been bowling since high school.

That was so much fun.

Not for me.

- You kicked me butt. - [Laughter]

- That's why it was so much fun. - [Laughter]

Hold up.

- The lady said no jalapenos. - Spencer, it's ok.

No. I want you to have them the way you want them.

Waiter, take these back.

And don't just pick the jalapenos off the top.

- Cause I'll know. - [Laughter]

Spencer, you're really special.

- I think so, too. - [Laughter]

[Introductory theme song]

♪ through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you finding you I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy inside of me ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Ironic laughter]

So ladies, I just got my shooting script

for junior high horror 3D...

Hey, Mona, listen to this.

[Laughter]

Did I tell you my new boyfriend Brad is an actor?

We met during my mom's wardrobe fitting.

He's playing murdered teacher number one.

[Laughter]

Yes, you told me.

Every day for the last two weeks.

But it's better than listening to you whine on

about your dating drought, or your lack of s-e-x.

[Laughter]

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't think you could spell

- after three martinis. - [Laughter]

Well, I can, and it's been four.

- [Laughter] - Any who, who would've thought

that Dee lafontaine's big screen debut

would be as a gym teacher.

You mean, since the only exercise you get

is chasing down diamonds and running up bills?

[Laughter]

A tee-hee. Now,

in my people scene,

I'm trapped in the showers by a zombie ex-student

helled bent on revenge.

Charles, help me show the girls what we rehearsed.

[Coughs]

[Sighs] Don't kill me!

- Please, don't kill me. - [Laughter]

So she finally pushed you over the edge.

[Laughter]

Go for it, little man. No one will blame you.

- Just let me get a good seat. - [Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

Brad...

I've really had a great time with you

these last couple of weeks.

We owe it all to your mom.

I'm just sorry I got murdered

before I got to know her better.

[Laughter]

Hey, listen. I have some great news.

I've been cast in the new San Francisco based

reality show.

That is fantastic!

Yeah, it's called "the real one".

It airs live, and cameras follow me.

In my quest to find a soul mate.

[Laughter]

But I thought we were dating.

Look around, a cozy booth, a dimly lit bar,

my hand on your thigh.

[Laughter]

Don't worry. I'm only doing this show for my career.

Besides, there's no reason we can't continue

dating on camera.

You want me to be on the show with you?

With cameras and everything?

Sure, we'll just keep doing what we're doing now.

Except with more make-up.

[Laughter]

You're wearing make-up?

[Laughter]

As an actor, I feel it's in my best interest.

- [Coughs] - [Laughter]

So, what do you say?

Wow. I've never dated anyone on TV before,

but, ok, I guess.

- So when do I have to be ready? - Right now.

Dee Dee, nice to meet you, your job is to look hot.

Brad, you're trying to figure out

if she's your soul mate or someone you bang tonight.

Now make me laugh, make me cry, because if this show tanks,

I'm back to videotaping crime scenes, and...

- Action. - [Laughter]

Brad! Nice to meet you.

My name is Dee Dee.

I'm saying that because we've never met.

Although some people say we've all met in a previous life,

- do you think that's true? - Well, I guess...

I totally agree.

It's like the editorial in the wall street journal.

Which I read today as I do every day,

after I finish the San Francisco chronicle,

which I really only get for the sodoku...

Dee Dee...

Take a breath and have some wine.

Let me talk.

[Laughter]

So, Brad, what do you do for fun?

- Well, I run... - Me too! Five miles a day.

Although, what's really helped me is sports meditation.

Sometimes I just chant...

Stay on her. She's a time bomb.

We're talking tick tick boom.

Dee Dee, go. Dee Dee, go.

And it really works because my job is stressful...

[Introductory musical note]

- [Knock on door] - [Shighs]

- Hey. - Hey.

It's really good to see you.

Well, I figured I should really thank you

for talking Naomi into talking to me.

I just thought she owed you an explanation

for the way she was treating you.

[Tongue clicks] Well, she had one.

Actually, it was a good one.

Oh, really, like what?

[Sighs] She's HIV positive.

[Audience gasps]

Wow.

Spencer, I never liked her, but now I wish I hadn't

said so many terrible things about her.

[Sighs] Yeah. You have been pretty rough on her.

Look, Spencer, I'm so sorry, I know how into Naomi you were.

Were? I still am.

What, you think I'm so shallow

that I can just turn off my feelings because of this?

You? Well, yeah.

[Laughter]

Well, maybe a year ago.

But a lot of people have already turned against Naomi.

I'm not gonna be one of them.

[Opens door and closes]

[Introductory musical note]

And every time the camera was on,

I turned into this babbling idiot

I don't even know.

I mean, I'm not like that at all.

Am I like that? I'm not like that.

Oh, my god, I am like that.

[Laughter]

I bet you if you pour us some scotch,

we'll all feel better.

- [Laughter] - Or at least less parched.

Having a drink to cheer myself up.

Dear lord, is this how it starts?

[Laughter]

It starts with talking to yourself.

[Laughter]

Yes, that's exactly how it started.

[Sighs] Well, I have some very exciting news.

Junior high horror 3D,

has just brought on an "a" list director.

Congratulations! Who is it? Tim Burton, Wes craven?

- Ludvig kapec. - [Laughter]

He has brought us some of the world's

favorite czechoslovakian films,

including a highly praised: A pierogie for pavel.

- [Laughter] - [Dee gasps]

As an auteur, he has changed my part dramatically.

Dee lafontaine will be doing a nude scene.

Bare, buck naked.

[Laughter]

- That's fantastic. - It is?

It is?

Charles: Of course, it is.

[Clicks] Your mother's got the back porch to pull it off.

[Laughter]

Mom, how much of this do I have to drink

to forget what he said?

[Laughter]

You need a little bit more than that, baby.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

[Sighs] Bringing your sister to watch your boyfriend

on a date with another girl.

We should have our own reality show

called I'm with crazy.

[Laughter]

Ooh, Brad's date's a hottie.

Since when does blond, silky hair and big jugs

make someone hot?

- Since man walked upright. - [Laughter]

Dee Dee: Wow. He likes her.

I can't believe it. I thought he liked me.

I'm sure he's just pretending to like her for the show.

- Brad's not that good an actor. - [Laughter]

Dee Dee, is dating this guy on camera really worth it?

[Sighs] Let's see. Boyfriend on camera,

or back to lonely nights and weekends

relying on you for something to do

when you're not too busy with your boyfriend.

- Yeah. It's worth it. - [Laughter]

And... cut.

I think we got us a hot, new romance.

I need to talk to Brad for a second, Cindy.

Why don't you use that time to button your blouse.

- If you can. - [Laughter]

Brad doesn't seem to mind.

Do you, Brad?

[Giggling]

[Laughter]

Look, I've given it some thought,

and I'm not really comfortable competing with other women.

Let me guess, you heard about Jennifer.

The massage in the hot tub was totally innocent.

[Laughter]

I didn't hear about that.

Oh, then it must be about Renee.

She just likes to talk with her top off.

[Laughter]

I must've missed a lot of episodes.

Come on, Dee Dee, it's my job to make this stuff

as stimulating as possible.

Was sticking your tongue down Cindy's throat

part of your job?

You know what, last time I checked,

I was the one picking the real one,

and Dee Dee, you're not it.

- You're breaking up with me? - Get a close up.

I want to get the look of shock on her face.

You're filming this?

That's the look. We got it.

[Laughter]

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

[Doorbell buzzes]

- Hey, Spencer. - Hey.

I brought your favorite pizza. Sausage and pepperoni,

with extra sausage and pepperoni.

Oh, you've been paying attention.

I like that.

[Gasps] I got something for you, too.

I booked us a ski trip in Aspen.

A less sophisticated brother

might have suggested we go to Vegas,

though there's a special rate at circus circus.

- You like sin city, baby? - [Laughter]

You know, Spencer,

when I first found out about my HIV status,

I totally shut down emotionally.

Which is understandable.

I mean, that's pretty devastating news.

But I'm here to help with all of that.

[Laughter]

And you have.

You've accepted everything about me.

And because of you,

I know I'm worthy of being loved again.

- Yes, you are. - [Laughter]

Spencer, you've given me the courage

to open up and to believe

that someone can love me despite my situation.

So I'm willing to give our relationship a chance.

I knew all this mocha manhood

would finally get your attention.

[Laughter]

I meant, I'm ready to confess how I feel

to a guy I fell in love with years ago.

- What? - [Laughter]

I've just always been too scared to tell him.

But, I... [Scoffs]

Where the hell did he come from?

[Laughter]

We've been friends for years.

I've just been too afraid to pursue it further.

But now, I'm not. Thanks to you.

I'm so damn helpful.

[Laughter]

[Sighs] I'll never forget what you did for me, Spencer.

[Doorbell buzzes]

[Exhales]

Hey, guys. I'm glad you're both here.

I brought you a little present.

Naomi, I know you and

I have had our difficulties in the past.

But that's just what it is, the past.

Cause now that you and Spencer are together...

Mona, she just dumped me.

How could you do that to him?

[Laughter]

Old Mona. Pleasant as usual.

[Laughter]

Spencer,

I hope we can still be friends.

- He's got friends. - [Laughter]

Man.

Didn't see that one coming.

Spence, I know it doesn't seem...

I just want to be alone right now.

Are you sure?

Because I'm here.

Mona, the only reason you came over here

is because you're feeling guilty.

You haven't supported me through any of this.

Now you want to act like you care?

Well, I know you don't.

So just leave.

[Scoffs]

[Introductory musical note]

[Introductory musical note]

Where are Dee Dee and Spencer?

It's not like him to miss a free meal.

He's not speaking to me,

so I'm guessing he's not eating with me either.

Hey, your father and I

shared many a silent, angry meal together.

Those were some of our happiest times.

I really blew it, mom.

Spencer's completely shut me out.

Oh, baby. Sometimes, when the people you love

tell you to leave them alone,

it just means they need you more than ever.

That's why I have five keys to your apartment.

- And a ladder for the window. - [Laughter]

Mom, when I tell you to leave me alone,

- i really mean it. - Can't hear you.

Ok, people, I'm here.

And I don't want to talk about last night's TV disaster.

I'm sure nobody saw it anyway.

Oh, my gosh. You were on "the real one".

You're desperate Dee Dee.

You look more haggard in person.

But who wouldn't after that humiliating break up.

[Laughter]

Ok, one person saw.

Dee Dee. From "the real one".

[Chuckles] Don't deny it, I can tell by the look in your eyes.

- I love you, Dee Dee. - [Laughter]

- Ok, Mr. Nutty. Move it along. - [Laughter]

Oh, my god.

I've been branded desperate Dee Dee

from "the real one".

- I'm gonna die alone. - [Laughter]

You can always get some cats.

You want me to die alone covered in cat hair.

[Laughter]

Too bad you can't get back on the show.

Maybe you could change your image,

and not seem like a needy, pathetic loser anymore.

I say, go for it.

I mean, it can't get any worse.

Hey, if you won't go out with me,

can you at least sign my chest?

- I'm very smooth. - [Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

Bye, baby.

Phyllis, have you heard the big news?

My Dee is doing a nude scene in her movie,

junior high horror 3D.

- [Laughter] - That's right.

Though I've been a dedicated user,

I've stepped up my regimen of olay face and body products.

By the time I do my nude scene,

I'll have the skin of a newborn.

Minus the baby fat and afterbirth.

[Laughter]

Now the whole world will see her amazing body.

In 3D.

Big girl naked on the big screen.

Now that really is a horror film.

[Laughter]

[Giggles]

I'm going to the ladies room, Brad.

And when I come back, you'll have to guess

which article of clothing I am not wearing.

Here's a hint. [Giggles]

[Laughter]

God, I love that girl.

[Laughter]

Hi, Brad.

Dee Dee, what are you doing here?

[Lips smack]

We're good together, Brad.

You know it, I know it,

and 88% of viewers

who took the on-line poll know it.

[Laughter]

Cindy: Brad!

I thought you liked me.

I scribbled your name on a body part

I was gonna pour honey on later.

[Giggles]

I'm sorry, Cindy.

Oh, don't look so sad.

You'll be ok.

Sluts tend to land on their feet.

Well, actually on their backs,

but you know what I mean.

Actually, I'm happy for you, Dee Dee.

After your break up with Brad,

there was just something so desperate about you.

[Sighs] Like you hadn't had a date in a really long time.

It's clear you need Brad more than I do.

So, you take him.

You'd sacrifice me to make Dee Dee happy?

Cindy, you're amazing.

[Scoffs] Am I, Brad?

[Laughter]

Yeah. You are.

Cindy...

You're the real one.

- [Giggles] - Oh, hell no!

You can't reject me twice.

Please, Brad. She's not the real one.

I'm the real one. Say I'm the real one.

Say it! Say it!

[Laughter]

I so totally made the right choice.

- [Giggles] - [Laughter]

-[Introductory musical note] [Doorbell buzzes]

Look, I know you don't want to talk to me.

[R&B music] Mona, this is not a good time.

Too bad, I'm not letting you go through this alone.

Oh, my god. You're binging.

[Laughter]

It's like our first year of college all over again.

It's how I gained my freshman 15.

I gained 30.

- It was a thick year. - [Laughter]

Spencer, don't do this.

Remember all the books

the nutrition counselor made us read that said,

we're just hurting ourselves.

- Books lie. - [Laughter]

Marshmallow creme is my friend.

[Laughter]

Don't worry.

Your on screen fiasco will blow over

just as soon as the next media whore

gets his or her 15 minutes.

- Hopefully, that'll be me. - [Laughter]

Miss lafontaine,

I need to see your body before the nude scene.

- I hope you don't mind. - [Laughter]

Mind? I'm an actor, Mr. Kapec.

A tool for you to create your cinematic vision.

- Implement me. - Mom!

Are you sure?

Your father doesn't care, so why should I?

[Grunts]

Oh, no, no!

I cannot work with this.

What have you done to yourself?

[Laughter]

Well, I've had two kids,

and I've been around the block a few times.

This is not body of middle aged gymnastics coach.

This is nubile teenager.

A virginal nymph wandering in the forest.

[Laughter]

I need old, wrinkled flesh.

Please don't fire me because my skin is so supple.

[Laughter]

Ludvig not fire you.

Will get wrinkled body double.

I saw old, black man playing sax outside gate.

Get me old, black man playing sax outside gate.

[Laughter]

Oh! Thank god.

I really didn't want to be naked on screen.

But thanks to my olay products,

I might be up for the younger acting parts.

Perhaps as Halle Berry's twin sister.

[Laughter]

Dee, stop.

I don't want you doing this nude scene.

The truth is, I never wanted you to do this.

I don't want the whole world seeing what I see every night.

Or every other weekend, if I'm lucky.

[Laughter]

If that's what you want, darling,

I'll tell ludvig he'll have to get a body double.

As long as you're happy,

I don't even care if it's an old black man.

[Laughter]

Thanks, Dee.

I think a more appropriate thank you

would be a trip to Tiffany.

[Laughter]

I'll get the Bentley, and the black card.

- [Hums] - [Laughter]

That performance was inspired.

Daddy had no idea you were playing him.

He never does.

Marriage has actually improved my acting.

[Laughter]

You can't beat cheese in a can.

It's so damn convenient.

Spencer, I am so sorry.

I let my feelings about Naomi

get in the way of our friendship.

Me, too.

I promise to be more supportive

of your relationships from now on.

And if you want to talk about Naomi all night,

I'll listen.

[Sighs] The thing that gets me is,

it didn't matter to me that she has HIV.

I just wish I could've shown her

how evolved I am.

Spencer, I'm sure Naomi saw that.

You've really grown

since the guy I knew in college.

- You think so? - Yeah.[Laugh]

But let's make sure you don't grow too much.

[Laughter]

I've always said, you're never too old

to take care of your skin.

You should know. You're in your early 100s.

[Laughter]

Phyllis, you should use

this quench body lotion on your elbows.

Yeah, they're like sandpaper.

You nudged me earlier, and damn near cut me.

[Laughter]

Mona, can you rub some lotion on my back?

I'm having a little trouble reaching

on account of my massive biceps.

Sorry, I don't rub anything

on anyone who doesn't take me out to dinner first.

-[Laughter] [Introductory musical note]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0