Original subtitles

Oh, Spencer, there you are.

I have a message for you.

[Grunts] Wait.

Since when do you take messages?

Well Adam tries to look efficient on the day

the hot sandwich guy with the tight shorts comes in.

- [Laughter] - That is so not why.

Oh my god, is he here? Can he see me?

- Make me look important. - [Laughter]

Can I have my message?

Huh? Oh, right. Naomi Dawson called.

Why is she still calling? The project we're doing

with the record companies is already set.

Adam, didn't I tell you to keep quiet about her?

And didn't I tell you that would cost you?

- [Paper crushes] - [Laughter]

Now that I'm saving money for a house,

I can only keep my mouth shut for a price.

Which is why I will tell you that Dave

has an online gambling problem.

[Laughter]

Can we get back to why Naomi is calling Spencer?

Oh! So they hung out on Valentine's day.

- Why shouldn't she call him? - Spencer!

You told me the only action you were getting on Valentine's

was snuggling up to your gay cat, smokey.

[Laughter]

Why did you lie to me?

[Sighs] I didn't tell you because I really like her.

And I know you don't.

You know what? Just...

Leave me out of it

I bet that 5 bucks is looking like a real bargain right now.

[Introductory theme song]

♪ through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you finding you I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy inside of me ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Ironic laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

- Dee-Dee! - Hey, Gus.

Check out the backhand I perfected this week end.

- [Smash] - [Laughter]

Ok, that's another $150 lesson down the drain.

[Laughter]

So, I have a really difficult assignment

I think you'd be perfect for.

You need me to negotiate a deal,

land a college prospect,

fly to Paris for the tour De France.

- I need you to dump a client. - [Laughter]

Do they live in Paris?

- If they did, I'd do it myself. - [Laughter]

No, the client is melba Barnes.

Good tennis player, has potential.

But as one of our lowest-turning clients,

she has to go.

What about endorsement deals?

Let's just say her family loves her.

But the camera doesn't.

- [Laughter] - Adds 15 lbs.

[Chuckles]

- And a mustache. - [Laughter]

Got it. Melba has to go.

But, um. Just out of curiosity, why me?

You're a girl, she's a girl.

Just seemed right.

Besides, you're not a real agent

'til you've made somebody cry.

[Chuckles]

- Let me know how that goes. - [Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

[Lauging]

You know, it feels so good

to just go out and relax.

What I really need is to spend a whole day getting a massage.

[Chuckles] You know, I've been told

I'm very good with my hands.

Well, I've never actually been told that.

- But I'm pretty sure it's true. - [Laughter]

Spencer, thanks for taking me to that incredible restaurant.

And how'd you find my favorite wine?

[Chuckles] Let's just say a crate fell off the ship,

and into my boys' El camino...

[Laughter]

Which doubles as a wine cellar.

[Laughter]

I think I know him.

Does he also sell imported cheeses

- out of his glove compartment? - [Laughter]

Yeah! I try to stay away from the perishables.

[Both laugh]

You know?

You're nothing like people say.

Well I can totally be myself around you.

[Coughs] I know I have a reputation

for being cut-throat in the music business,

- because I am. - [Laughter]

But away from work people see a very different side of me.

Well, I like this side.

In fact...

- I like all sides of you. - You know, I need to get home!

[Laughter]

All that pasta made me sleepy.

[Laughter]

You had the chicken.

[Stammers] I had pasta for lunch!

- Thanks again, Spencer! - [Laughter]

- [Whispers] Good night! - [Laughter]

-[Exhales sharply]

[Introductory musical note]

[Knock on door]

You're the only agent wearing a bra around here.

- You must be Dee-Dee. - [Laughter]

And you must be melba.

I wasn't expecting you to be so...

- Sporty. - [Laughter]

- [Whimpers] Or so strong! - [Laughter]

I'm so excited to finally meet a female agent

instead of all these man-pigs around here.

Specially the one with the lousy backhand.

[Laughter]

How about the one with the hanky?

He's the one that really gets to me.

[Goofy laugh]

[Laughter]

Wow.

That's quite a deep laugh you've got there.

Anyway,

I called you here because gmg is making some changes.

Well, they sure are.

And pairing with a female agent

of your caliber tells me that.

- My caliber! - Melba: Hell, yeah!

I googled yo' ass.

[Laughter]

Melba: Signed Dwight Mitchell, you're an agent

who's also a lawyer.

With my career in your hands,

the two of us are gonna rock the sports world!

I'm so excited! You're representing me now!

[Laughter]

Well, actually the reason I wanted to meet you was...

- I'm excited too! - [Laughter]

- [Whimpers in pain] - [Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

[Door unlocks]

Ladies, I have a big announcement.

Wait til you hear this. It's incredible.

Quiet down, dear, this is my moment.

[Laughter]

My acting career has taken a glorious u-turn.

Dee-Dee lafontaine

has been invited to the final call back

for the sensational new cinematic thriller,

"junior high horror in 3-d."

[Laughter]

That's great, mom.

A little more excitement, here.

Your mother could have a job. A paying job!

Money could be coming in instead of always going out.

[Laughter]

Isn't that incredible?

"Junior high horror in 3-d"?

Dad, I wouldn't retire just yet.

True, it is on the lower budget end of the film spectrum.

Apparently I have to supply my own fake blood.

[Laughter]

But it's a role of a lifetime.

It's a sadistic gym teacher.

- Is there any other kind? - [Laughter]

Anyway, my character pushes her athletes

past the limits of endurance and pays the ultimate price.

- Her life! People, keep up! - [Laughter]

Plus, she's gonna get paid!

- Isn't that incredible? - [Laughter]

Well, I'm glad someone's career is going well.

My boss told me to cut melba Barnes

from the gmg roster.

But I couldn't bring myself to do it.

That's fantastic news! [Gasps]

- Huh? - [Laughter]

I swear she hasn't been drinking today.

I smelled her coffee on the way over.

[Laughter]

Yo, Dee, I'm sorry about your situation.

[Gasps] But spending time with melba will help me

research my role by getting inside the mind

of a female jock.

Well, I'm glad my failure could help.

Any other ways I might screw up at work

that might be beneficial to you?

- [Laughter] - None I can think of right now.

[Laughter]

- Gimme some time. - [Laughter]

Ooh.

Hey! I may need that article!

Sexy tricks to keep your younger man

guessingin' the bedroom? You sure?

[Laughter]

Keep it. Keep the whole thing. Burn it when you're done.

[Knocking on door]

Hey, man. Phyllis! I'm glad you're here too.

Listen. Last night,

I tried all my fire romantic moves on Naomi

and nothing worked. Not even licking my lips seductively,

- like so. - Ew!

Baby, that's not sure fire. That's backfire.

[Laughter]

I can't believe you're still wasting time

talking about Naomi Dawson.

Well, I think she's amazing.

And I can tell she's into me too.

I just don't know how to win her over.

Well, I say dump the lip-lickin'

and make a big romantic gesture

that lets this girl know exactly how you feel.

And don't be afraid to go all out.

Oh! Like buying all the roses

- in the bucket at 7-11. - [Laughter

yeah. And get her a slurpee and some panty hose too.

- Girls love that! - [Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

Yeah, I know that melba is rough around the edges,

but she'd be great endorsing one of your products.

What about tires?

She can remove lug nuts with her bare hands.

- [Laughter] - Hello?

Greetings, Dee-Dee. I was just dropping off my headshot

at the modeling agency downstairs.

P.s. You should totally fire your receptionist.

- Why? So you can hire me! - [Laughter]

I love this place!

Uh. Gus, this is Adam benet,

he works at delicious records with my sister.

And I am so not loyal.

So if you ever need a new receptionist,

- let me know. - [Laughter]

- Uh-huh. - [Laughter]

So, Dee-Dee, how'd it go with melba?

I landed her a huge endorsement deal,

so there was no reason to let her go.

[Chuckles] You got her an endorsement deal?

Who on earth would want her as their spokesperson?

I don't even care.

[Laughter]

As long as the check clears.

- Let me know when it comes in. - Will do.

Oh, sorry. I forgot I don't work here.

- [Laughter] - Yet. Call me.

[Laughter]

- Uh-huh. - [Laughter]

Wow, Dee-Dee.

You lied to your boss. Ten bucks and I won't tell him.

How do you know I lied?

Lying is how I make my living.

Right now, Mona thinks I'm in the men's room.

[Laughter]

[Soft song]

Sexy from the right.

- [Sighs] Sexy from the left. - [Laughter]

Dab on a little Cologne.

Cinnamon room spray?

- [Laughter] - Damn!

Hi!

When you said you arranged a spa day for me,

I didn't realize you meant a spa day for me and you.

[Laughter]

Yeah, you like it?

You certainly took me by surprise.

- Did you order cinnamon rolls? - [Laughter]

I think it's just the candles.

How about some champagne?

Spencer, you didn't have to do this.

Well, you said you needed a massage.

And I've really been enjoying spending time together.

Just want you to know how much.

[Whispers] I'm sorry.

I just can't handle this right now.

[Soft piano music]

[Door closes]

[Introductory musical note]

[Introductory musical note]

Mona! Spencer is on his way in.

Whatever you do, do not mention his date with Naomi last night.

It did not go well.

- For $10 I'll tell you why. - [Laughter]

I don't wanna know anything.

I'm not the type of friend that say I told you so.

Hey, Spencer. Heard your date with Naomi didn't go so well.

- Can't say I'm surprised. - [Laughter]

I thought you weren't that type of friend.

You know, I didn't think I was, but it turns out I am.

[Laughter]

[Sighs] I don't understand what happened.

[Sighs] Naomi and I were totally vibin'.

Then she just ran out when we started getting close.

Why are you trying to make sense of this woman?

She's playing you.

This is the best thing that could've ever happened.

She's gone. Be happy.

- I'm happy. - [Laughter]

I'm going for a walk.

I find it interesting that how you feel about a rival

overrules supporting a friend.

That's pretty shallow and heartless.

- I've never felt closer to you. - [Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

Melba, you're already looking fabulous

thanks to the facial regiment I gave you to use

for the last few days.

Olay regenerous thermal skin polisher.

I say oléto olay.

[Laughter]

I'm gonna go home tonight and try it on my abs.

Hell, considering the magic it worked her,

- I wanna use it all over. - [Laughter]

This could be one of the most important moves

of your career, not to mention mine.

The company that makes these fake fingernails

is very interested in giving you an endorsement deal.

I have to say you look radiant.

This is better than when I waxed my friend Pablo.

Until he resembled a slimmer-hipped j-lo.

[Laughter]

So dear, I'm sure you're aware that I'm a well-known actor.

I've never heard of you.

Were you were big when my parents were young?

[Laughter]

Arms like a man and a delightful humor.

[Sighs] Anywhoo. I have an audition

and I thought you might give me some tips about

portraying a lady jock.

I'm sure melba doesn't wanna spend all of her time off

talking about sports.

So, what's the word on the French open?

Who should I put my money on?

I know you can't really tell me, so...

Blink once for Venus, twice for Serena.

- [Laughter] - That's shameless.

Now, when I'm using the gym whistle,

do I blow first then yell? Or yell, then blow?

[Laughter]

Do you mind if I sell this chain here on eBay?

- Hey! - [Laughter]

All of you! Back off!

All right, melba. The moment you've been waiting for.

Oh, my god! This is me?

- I look gorgeous! - [Laughter]

I don't need to pat myself on the back

when I say it's a miracle.

- I hate it! - [Laughter]

You what?

When we started, you said you were just

gonna do something with my hair.

Hm... that just made all the other problems

seem so much more obvious.

[Laughter]

I don't wanna wear make-up because I sweat.

And I don't wanna curl my hair because I sweat.

And I don't wanna wear fake nails because...

Let me guess. You sweat.

No! Because how the hell am I supposed to swing a racket

with plastic claws?

[Laughter]

- Hey! I worked my a... - [Spits]

I worked my ass off to find a company

that would even let you buy their product,

much less endorse it.

Well, if the advertisers Don' wanna be with the real me,

then I don't wanna be with them.

Look, if you don't wanna be with them,

then gmg doesn't wanna be with you.

Melba, you're officially off our roster.

- What? - You're gone, girl.

[Laughter]

Fine by me.

I never was happy at gmg,

but I thought you were different.

Guess I was fooled by the bra.

[Laughter]

[Door closes]

Where do you think you're going with my olay products?

Home to transform myself and call my agent.

With this quench lotion, I can cross-over to hand modeling.

[Laughter]

And if that doesn't pan out,

well, soft hands are always a plus in my neighborhood.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

[Soft guitar]

So now, I have to tell Gus

I don't have an endorsement deal.

I'm telling you, melba never looked so good in her life.

I waxed that ankle-less girl's knuckle hair.

[Laughter]

Well, I think it's great you supported someone.

Unlike someone else I know.

Why are you directing that at me?

Because of the way you've been treating Spencer.

[Scoffs] Yeah, Mona.

Why are you so against him being happy.

It's not like you're gonna snuggle up with him.

The poor boy's just trying to find

somebody to spend time

other than his gay cat smokey.

[Laughter]

I know. I've been feeling guilty about it for days.

[Scofs] But what am I supposed to do?

All right, you don't have to be so pushy.

[Laughter]

That's her.

[Sighs]

Hey, Naomi.

Mona?

Good to know this isn't gonna be awkward.

[Nervous laugh] Listen.

Naomi, I may not like you, but Spencer does.

So because of that, I need to be a more supportive friend.

Is there a point to this conversation?

Yeah, there is.

You walked out on him the other night,

without telling him why, you haven't returned his calls.

He has no idea what's going on.

I think you owe him an explanation.

It's not really your business. You should stay out of it.

If things start to get real ugly,

I say we hustle out to the car and keep it running.

"Set it off" style.

[Laughter]

I can't believe you're sitting here having a drink

like none of this matters.

And just so you know,

you're confirming everything I thought about you.

Must feel good be right about everything and everybody.

Not when my best friend's had his heart broken.

At least that bothers one of us.

As usual, you don't know what you're talking about.

I do know that Spencer is a great guy

who's been nothing but good to you.

And I couldn't live with myself if I cut someone off like that.

But... I guess you can.

- That went well. - [Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

So, Dee-Dee. I noticed you didn't present

the melba endorsement deal at the staff meeting.

Let me guess. It didn't happen.

[Scoffs] How did you know?

I know everything.

For instance, Fred's assistant called in sick,

and she's really in Santa Barbara.

I hope she's enjoying her little vacation,

- 'cause it's permanent. - [Laughter]

Gus, I swear, I was this close to getting melba a deal.

You should've seen the make over.

And she was having none of it.

Damn! You really do know everything.

Melba is unique.

And by unique I mean

I'm not entirely sure she's not a man.

[Laughter]

Well, you don't have to worry about her anymore.

I cut her loose.

Good work. Look, Dee-Dee,

I admire your initiative, your tenacity,

your desire to make gmg money.

Especially your desire to make gmg money, 'cause...

That other stuff I couldn't care less about.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

Thanks for having me over.

I really wanted to explain why I ran out the other night.

I bet I scared you off with the big spa thing.

I knew I should've bought you

the whole bucket of roses at the 7-11.

- [Laughter] - Spencer, don't do that for me.

Don't do that for anyone.

[Laughter]

Listen. [Exhales]

The reason I've been so distant...

I didn't think this would be so hard.

Hey, you can trust me.

I've only ever had sex with one person.

Damn!

I mean...

It's so hard to believe, 'cause you're so...

- Damn! - [Laughter]

That was when I was 19.

Don't let one bad experience turn you off.

[Scoffs] When I was 19, I didn't know what I was doing.

Or when I was 20, or 21.

Then there was 22, not a good year.

[Laughter]

- But I think I got it at 24. - Laying my heart out here.

- [Laughter] - [Sighs]

We can take it slow.

[Sighs] Spencer, my first boyfriend and I...

We didn't use condoms, and I contracted HIV.

[Audience shocked]

[Scofs]

Damn.

[Sighs] I can't believe i...

Damn.

When I tell people I get all kinds of reactions.

That's why I haven't had many serious relationships.

It's just easier not to let people get too close.

- I'm just gonna go. - Naomi.

[Softly] It doesn't matter.

[Softly] It doesn't?

Nah. I mean,

we may have to do some things differently.

If we decide to do some things...

Some day.

But you're still the same girl I wanna get to know better.

Let's start here.

[Soft humming]

That was nice.

[Thinking] Sometimes you have to support a friend,

even if you don't believe in what they're doing.

I guess that's what makes friendships so hard.

Unlike family, we choose our friends.

And, as a good friend, we have to learn

to deal with the other people they choose

to bring into the relationship.

I guess it's more like family than I thought.

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