Original subtitles

Is it just me or do these noodles

taste extra fantastic tonight?

Everything tastes better when you're getting some.

Which explains why my noodles suck.

You know this is the first time since fifth grade

that I have a boyfriend to share valentines with.

So you and chase have big plans this weekend?

Well, he hasn't exactly said anything yet,

and I'm not expecting much.

You know a card, flowers, some chocolates,

a moonlit dinner on a garden rooftop,

perhaps some simple skywriting. Nothing big though.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy inside of me ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. Heh heh heh.

Well, this is my first Valentine's sans amor,

but just because I don't have a man

doesn't mean I don't have a plan.

It's a day about love,

and I'm gonna love myself.

Can I watch?

Can I watch you watch?

You know, Dee Dee, I wrote that love myself speech,

and it sounds just as pathetic coming from you.

So what about you guys?

I'm just gonna hit up a club after 11:00.

Anybody still on their own

at that hour on Valentine's day

is pretty easy pickings.

As for me, I'm hooking up with Franco again.

We've agreed to spend every Valentine's together

if we're still single.

This will be 10 years running.

Franco's such a loser.

Then stop seeing him.

But he's gorgeous, and he'll be naked

before I unlock the door.

God, I can't wait until he gets here.

Hey, Jenna.

Did you get that candy from your Valentine?

No. I bought it to taunt the models at my agency.

Those tall, skinny coat racks.

The only reason they're in a good mood lately

is because they all have boyfriends

to be with on Valentine's.

Yes, well. Who doesn't.

Lonely ass me.

I mean, sure, I'd rather have a man,

but you know, at least I'm not lying

about how I'm gonna love myself.

Katie, I told you, this is a sports agency, ok?

We do not have tiny little hearts

hanging from the desks.

I see you're a morning cup of joy as usual.

Maybe you could show a little more kindness

since the season of love is upon us.

Oh, no.

Yeah. You've caught the sickness

just like the rest of them.

Love, love, love.

Blech!

You know, people like you

make me want to put half cream,

half cyanide in my coffee.

You really could stand to embrace

the spirit of Valentine's.

Thorne, it is an artificial holiday.

It's not like we're acknowledging

the birth of the Messiah or the resurrection.

Or the return of the great pumpkin.

No, no, no.

It's all about men buying expensive things for women

who then turn around and break their hearts

into millions of tiny, little pieces.

Whoo! I'm sensing a little

Valentine's day massacre in your past.

My fiancee broke up with me on that day.

I don't care to discuss.

Well, Brett, maybe your heart would heal

if you would give yourself over to the holiday.

Yeah? Well, you know, I think people in love

should just give themselves over to a cliff.

Have a nice day.

Or a bad day.

Doesn't really matter.

This is nice.

Yeah. And this is only a regular night.

Think of how nice it would be

if this were a special night.

You know, a comes around once a year special night.

Baby, any night with you is special.

Oh, that's sweet.

But if there were a really special night,

say sometime soon, what would be your idea

of a good way to celebrate it?

Every time I look in your eyes is a celebration.

Doesn't get any better than that.

Oh... but if it did?

You know what,

I promised I'd help close the bar.

But I'll be in napa on Friday,

but be back for the weekend.

So don't make plans.

'Cause you've made some?

Sure. We'll grab a pizza or something.

Bye, beautiful.

And bye, beautiful's beautiful mom.

Marry that man now.

Such an incredible guy.

Almost as good as my sweetie Glen.

Who has declared it Valentine's week.

This was today's gift.

Where's the bottom to that?

Actually I thought this was a bottom.

But who cares.

It'll fit around something.

Why do I ask questions

that I don't want the answers to.

Because I raised you to be curious,

and not grumpy like you are now.

What's going on?

I don't think that chase

has made any plans for Valentine's day.

Well, what we used to call pathetic,

we now call empowerment.

So take the initiative.

Make your own damn plans.

Well, is that what you're doing?

No, no. My man loves me.

And, Brett's been in such a bad mood lately,

he's making everybody miserable.

Especially me.

I've got to get him off our backs.

Especially mine.

Oh, this one is simple.

Brett obviously needs female companionship.

Maybe you can help him find a lady friend.

Mom, that is not the answer to everything.

Of course not.

Tasty alcoholic beverages are the answer to everything.

In my experience,

when men are cranky, they need some hanky panky.

And in your father's case, a little spanky.

I hope that's the alcohol talking.

Delicious really needs a hit record, Spence.

That's why I'm hoping our project

with smooth vinyl works out.

[Cell phone rings]

Spencer speaking.

Now it's your turn.

Naomi. Girl, what's up?

How are things at smooth vinyl?

Naomi Dawson again?

You'll have it tomorrow.

Ciao, Bella.

Ciao, Bella?

Naomi brings out my international side.

Yeah, well, she brings out my ugly side.

I know that you have to work with her

on the marketing,

but I just want to make sure

she doesn't try to steal Adonis

like she stole big fat slim Jim.

Hey, just because Naomi signed more artists than you

doesn't mean you have to hate.

And Mona, you are hating.

My problem with her is strictly professional.

She does this... For the buyers.

And this... For the programmers.

The girls a big old tease.

I'm cool with all that.

Hello, children.

Time for show and tell.

This is a beautiful gay man.

Hola.

His name is Franco,

and he's mine for the weekend.

Hey, I'm Spencer. Hi, I'm Mona.

It's nice to finally meet you.

And Mona, if you come to my salon,

I could do wonders with your hair.

Well, maybe not wonders, but I could do better.

I hear you're from Miami.

It's happening down there, you a native?

No, I am originally from the twin cities.

Sodom

that just gets funnier every time you say it.

Mona, do you mind if I use the loo?

Oh, it's up the hall to the right.

Just push my Lacy things aside.

I sure will. Right after I try them on.

I just like to shock the straighties.

He's so on my nerves already.

I gotta get rid of him.

All he does is talk about himself

and make fun of other people.

Who could be friends with somebody like that?

Hey, Jenna.

I have a proposition for you.

Sorry, Dee Dee.

Even if I were desperate enough to switch teams,

you're not my type.

Good to know I'm being overlooked

by both men and women on Valentine's day.

No, what I meant was

I wanted to set you up on a blind date.

There is this guy...

I'll do it. Lock it. Tell me where.

I don't know, Thorne.

I just think going out on Valentine's

is the perfect way to take the edge off.

And stop you from making assistant's cry.

Maybe I like being bitter.

You know, maybe the lack of distraction

fuels my success.

Or maybe you're just afraid to spend time

with a beautiful, sexy woman.

Are you talking about yourself, Thorne?

I'm not that demented.

Fine. Brett mahoney isn't afraid of anything.

Except certain spiders.

I don't care to discuss.

All right, tell your friend she's got a date.

She just better be prettier than I am.

[Knock on door]

Hey, I wasn't expecting to see you till Saturday.

Well...

I missed you.

Plus your sofa ate my nano again.

It must really like kanye.

What's this?

Oh, you weren't supposed to see that.

You're booking a candlelight dinner on a boat?

Yeah. It's a surprise for Saturday.

Surprise!

So you made Valentine's day plans.

For us.

Well, yeah, I mean,

you didn't seem to have any,

so here's the rundown.

We are picked up by a limo and driven to a boat.

We will take a moonlight cruise

where we'll enjoy dancing and dining.

Then a limo ride home

where we'll indulge in passionate sex

with Valentine's day protection.

Followed by morning after French toast.

So did you schedule a kiss, too?

Well, I was thinking after the cristal

but before the body gel,

and somehow I don't think that's what you mean.

So you just assumed

that I wasn't gonna do anything special

for our first Valentine's day.

Oh, I didn't assume. I was pretty sure.

Wow.

That says a lot.

And I'm not just assuming that.

I'm pretty sure.

Happy Valentine's day Eve, baby.

Not for me.

Because I took your advice,

chase and I had a fight.

Guess you picked a bad day

to start listening to me.

Here. Take this chocolate heart Glen gave me.

I have 12 more at home.

Phyllis, coco and I are on our way

to the dog show at the armory.

I'd invite you to go with us,

but I'm afraid you might win.

What are you doing?

Trying to find your mute button.

I understand why you're in a bad mood.

It's Valentine's.

Well, don't be down, Phyllis.

Think of all those hundreds of Ben and Jerry's workers

you've kept employed all these lonely years.

I say, double chins up.

Excuse me, but I have a Valentine.

So tonight, when Charles

gets on his step ladder to give you a kiss,

remember which one of us

is kissing hot, young lips

and which one of us

is wiping off old mustache dye.

Hey, Spence, we need to get started on...

Oh, Naomi.

I didn't know you were going to be here.

I just thought it would be good for the three of us

to have a little face time before this record drops.

Good idea. We done?

Mona, I know you see us as rivals, but I don't.

We need to support each other professionally.

Not fight over scraps.

You mean scraps like big fat slim Jim?

Scraps that I discovered,

that I groomed, that I made platinum,

that you stole?

Oh, with Usher's scraps,

when you pushed me out of the way

to get to him in '98?

Yeah, I'm still a little bitter about that one.

Girl, there's a reason why

they call the past the past.

I mean, why compete

when our careers aren't even on the same track.

Yeah, Naomi's in charge of a & r and marketing

at her label,

and she's gonna be on the cover of vibenext month.

Well, la-Dee-da.

Spence, you don't have to brag on me.

You know, Naomi,

there was a time when I'd just smile

and let your arrogance slide,

but that time is not now,

so get your ass up out my chair.

Well, this has been excruciatingly uncomfortable.

Kind of how Mona's feet must always feel.

Be mine.

Heartthrob.

Oh... puppy love.

Don't make me crush the candy.

There's something I need to tell you.

No, no. Me first.

I know it's our 10th Valentine's together,

and you have been the world's best date

all these years...

Ok, you're done.

Let's talk about last night.

But you didn't let me finish.

Well, it takes you so damn long.

They have prescriptions for that.

I know you didn't let me finish

what I was gonna say.

I think we need a major change in our relationship.

Oh, I'm so glad you think so, too.

That's why I'm moving to San Francisco

so we can be together all the time.

Say what?

I realized the reason there's never been anyone else for us

is because we are searching

for something we already have.

A commitment free annual bang?

Love.

So I'm moving in with you.

And finding a job is no problem.

There are plenty of hairstyling opportunities here.

[Knock on door]

You see...

It's a sign.

I need to talk to somebody about chase.

I've ruined everything

just like I do every time I get a man, i...

I'm sorry. Did I come at a bad time?

Yes, thank you. Come in.

I'll get you a tissue, honey.

And maybe some mousse.

Don't leave me alone with him.

That man is trying to move in with me.

Moving in? You told me

you never wanted to see him again.

Oh, he did, did he?

Damn this small apartment.

You know what else seems small, my problems.

Bye.

Ok, fine. You're suffocating me.

Yeah? Well, those glasses make you look fat.

And you need to toss the spray bottle, sister,

'cause no one's believing that man tan.

And you are uncapable of loving anybody but yourself.

Look at that Adam warhol.

The head is almost actual size.

And I hated your one man show.

Which one?

All of them.

I mean, 40 asians and a mule?

Talk about pretentious.

Pretentious? Your name's not even Franco.

It's Francis!

Emphasis on the sis.

That was beneath you.

I'll tell you one thing that's never gonna be beneath me again.

Oh, yeah?

Ok, this doesn't mean I'm not still mad at you.

I knew it all along, Thorne.

It's just an elaborate plan to get to me.

It was inevitable. You know, I mean,

who could resist all this?

Everything you said is so wrong

on so many levels.

I'm just here to witness my matchmaking magic.

Ok, all right.

And I'll admit, it actually feels good

to have a Valentine's date.

Maybe it'll help erase the memory

of that hideous night last year with Jenna.

You got a problem with the name Jenna?

No, not the name, just the coldhearted hag

who owns a modeling agency in our building.

There's a coldhearted hag

who owns a modeling agency in our building?

Who knew?

I gotta go make a call.

Dee Dee?

It's so nice of you to be here to introduce us.

Is that him?

Not much hair, huh?

Uh, yes... But,

no.

I made a mistake.

What?

You see, that guy...

He's a serial killer. Who knew?

Come on.

Jenna?

Brett?

What are you doing here?

I think the real question is

what am I doing here?

Bye.

Uh-uh. Wait a minute.

You set me up with my ex fiancee?

Are you frigging kidding me?

Brett, I didn't know.

You two seemed perfect for each other.

We were perfect for each other

until she told me

to eat my engagement ring and die.

I said, please.

And I believe it was you that I caught

doing a body shot off a stripper.

Oh, I was with a client.

You were always with clients, Brett.

Jenna, I told you, I live this.

I breathe this.

Yeah. We've all heard the speech.

You're already in a pretty deep hole,

you want to keep on digging?

No, I'm done. Can I leave now?

No. Me, first.

If we kill a few hours,

my friend Spencer will be here

trolling for losers.

I have to say, I'm impressed with your marketing plan.

You're very talented.

Greatness has always been my destiny.

I've just been pacing myself.

You know, we probably shouldn't tell Mona

about us going out and having drinks.

Yeah, we wouldn't want her to tell you

to get your ass up out of this booth.

I'm surprised someone as cute as you

doesn't have a date tonight.

I was gonna say the same thing to you.

Although, it is Valentine's

and we are out together.

So I guess we both do have dates.

I guess we do.

Happy Valentine's day.

I didn't know if I was gonna see you tonight.

Of course you were gonna see me.

Baby, we really gotta work on this

having faith in your man thing.

Oh, chase. I am so sorry.

I guess I just panicked

when you never mentioned Valentine's day.

And I wasn't trying to steal your romantic thunder.

It's just, I've been disappointed a lot in my life,

so I tend to rely on myself.

Well, now, you can rely on me.

And if you like that, then you'll love this.

I already packed your bag,

and I'm taking you somewhere special for the weekend.

Where, where, where? Tell me, tell me, where?

Do you trust me, Mona?

I trust you.

Then I just got my gift.

♪ I think you should ♪

♪ 'cause every day will seem to be ♪

♪ Valentine's day ♪

You know, you should actually be grateful.

Because of me, you finally faced your pain,

and now the real healing can begin.

You really think I was gonna buy that?

I was hoping.

Ok, all right.

Maybe you were right on one count.

Seeing Jenna again did give me some closure.

So I think it all worked out for the best.

See, I knew it was a good thing.

It was, I mean,

the woman didn't even have a date for Valentine's day.

How pathetic is that?

Whoa, somebody had a good Valentine's.

Indeed, I did, but how did you know?

That smile on your face.

I know that smile.

I've given lots of women that smile.

So what lucky woman

is wearing one today because of you?

It was just me and my cat smoky

on the sofa this year.

Gotta give the bay area babes

a breather every once I awhile.

Couldn't find a date, huh?

Not even with cash.

This is my worst Valentine's day ever.

I would've had more fun donating bone marrow.

Same time next year?

You've got a date.

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