Original subtitles

Chase: I told you I'd take you camping.

I never said it'd be outside.

[Laughter]

I actually prefer it like this.

Besides, I love these days when we have nothing to do.

Well, I can think of somethin'.

[Laughter]

[Chuckles] Mmm. I like your somethin'.

[Chase chuckles]

[Knock on door]

Morning, campers!

[Laughter]

So, what are we all doing today?

- Well, we already have plans. - Oh! Can I join you?

[Laughter]

Not with these plans.

Let's not be too hasty, Mona.

[Laughter]

Leave, Dee Dee.

[Laughter]

[Introductory theme song]

♪ through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you finding you I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy inside of me ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

[Ironic laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

Look at all this useless baby stuff.

In my day, all you needed was a boob to feed 'em

- and a drawer to stick 'em in. - [Laughter]

I told you we shouldn't have brought her.

This is the woman who used her key ring as my pacifier.

[Laughter]

Mona and I need to make sure we get the perfect baby gift

for Neil and Janet.

After what we did at their wedding.

Well, considering you made the bride cry

and run screaming from the chapel,

I'm just glad we're invited to the shower.

[Laughter]

Oh! Look at this. A baby-wipes warmer.

A what? Now we got to warm up their butts?

In my day, a baby had a cold butt and dealt with it.

[Laughter]

I remember only too well.

Babies don't care about any of this expensive crap.

I'm gonna go to the car wash and get me a key ring.

[Laughter]

Hey, what about this?

Good choice. I can't wait to watch the baby

choke on her goggly eyeballs.

Jeez. Take it easy. What do I know about babies?

Clearly nothing.

Mona, babies are totally helpless creatures.

They spend most of their time eating and sleeping.

Kind of like you before you met chase.

[Laughter]

Yeah. You know, usually that would sting,

but I got a man and you don't.

[Laughter]

Neil? Janet?

- Oh, hi, you two. - Dee Dee. Mona.

We were just shopping for your baby shower.

Actually, it might not happen.

What? Why?

My friend Francine was hosting it,

but she had a family emergency.

If you call her sister's nose job an emergency.

[Laughter]

I've seen her nose. It is.

[Laughter]

Anyway, we can't have it at our house

because we're in the middle of renovating.

So we're thinking of calling it off.

No reason to. We'll have it at my place.

Oh, Dee Dee, that's so sweet.

No.

[Laughter]

Janet, this is your first baby. You have to have a shower.

And I love throwing parties.

Actually, that sounds...

Like something Janet and I need to discuss.

- Excuse us. - [Laughter]

[Both arguing]

[Laughter]

Janet talked me into it.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

Mona, your side is crooked again.

Then you do it.

I'll blow up some more balloons.

So, you can tie them wrong again? I don't think so.

[Laughter]

How about if I put some chips in a bowl?

I think I have the skill and intelligence

- to handle that. - Hmm. I'll do it.

[Laughter]

Hey. That's a playpen.

Babies go in playpens. Are there gonna be babies here?

[Laughter]

Yeah. It's a coed shower,

and some of the guests are bringing their kids.

No big deal.

It is if you're not good with kids

and your boyfriend is here to see it.

We're back with the cake!

I made it this far without dropping it.

- Please take it from me. - No, no, no!

Hey, the place looks great.

Except that side looks crooked.

[Laughter]

Who asked ya?

Ok. Decorations, check. Cake, check.

Shower games, check.

Non-alcoholic baby-tinis, check.

Alcoholic Mona-tinis. Please, god, please.

[Laughter]

Yes, there is alcohol available

if you feel the need to drink at a party

celebrating the magic of life.

[Laughter]

Yeah, Mona. This is a joyous occasion.

[Whispering] Ok, here's how we ditch this baby party.

We leave to take out the trash and never come back.

You with me?

Uh, actually, I was gonna stick around.

Never been to a baby shower before.

Besides,

I wanna spend as much time with my baby as possible.

[Mona chuckles] Aww! That's so sweet.

Yeah, whatever!

[Laughter]

[Scoffs] Unlike you,

I don't have a woman breathing down my neck.

Spencer, get your butt over here!

- Yes, ma'am. - [Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

[Guests talking]

I love the baby artichokes.

The baby lamb chops are to die for.

Well, I'm glad you like them.

Don't eat anymore! They're for the guests!

[Laughter]

[Whispering] Oh, my.

Isn't that the Janet who stole your rich boyfriend?

Mom, I broke up with him.

Just as well. Obviously, he's a chubby chaser.

[Laughter]

Big Dee Dee,

Janet is eight months pregnant.

Do you even know why you're here?

Yes, for the drinks.

[Laughter]

Mona, did you notice?

I'm the only unattached woman at this party?

Oh, I've been there.

Do you feel left out, inadequate, worthless?

You know, Mona, cheering people up?

Right up there with your decorating skills.

[Laughter]

Hey, Mona, I need to use the bathroom.

Would you mind holding my baby?

- Huh? - It'll just be a minute.

Oh. [Laughs nervously]

[Laughter]

Oh! It's leaking! Somebody! It's leaking!

It's ok. It's ok. I got it. I got it.

[Laughs] Hey! So cute.

Oh, thank you.

Well, actually, I was talking to the baby,

but you're not bad yourself.

Oh. Wow. You look good holding that baby.

I'm gonna get some food.

- [Laughter] - I'll just be a minute.

And the rear seat folds down.

It's the only way to fit the stroller in there.

[Crying] A stroller for my baby.

I've been waiting my whole life to say that.

And that folding rear seat

will come in handy for your skis, too.

Janet sold my skis on eBay.

[Laughter]

Oh, honey, that's because

we won't really have time for skiing, because...

[Crying] We're having a baby!

[All cheering]

Animal crackers, anyone?

[Laughter]

Hey. You're pretty good with him.

You're not somebody's baby daddy, are you?

[Laughter]

- I just love kids, man. - Oh.

Can't wait to have some of my own.

- I'm thinking three to eight. - [Laughter]

Ok, people. Let's get to the games.

Here's a little something I created called

"the amazing baby race."

Mona, help me demonstrate.

You know, I was just about to take out the trash.

Don't touch that trash!

[Laughter]

First, you and your partner tie yourselves together.

Janet and I should be good at that.

[Laughter]

Then you go over to the giant bowl of rice

and try to fish out two diaper pins.

Finally, using your team's three hands,

you diaper the doll.

Watch out. I've been practicing on the cat.

[Laughter]

The fastest time wins.

Fun, huh?

[Laughter]

Dee Dee, I think your game is a little ambitious

for us homebodies.

Plus, if everybody's paired off,

who's gonna hold my baby?

[Laughter]

But thanks for going through all that trouble.

In fact, let's all thank Dee Dee.

Lucky for us, Dee Dee's still single

and has plenty of time to pull a wonderful event

like this together.

[Laughter]

"Dee Dee's still single."

"Dee Dee has plenty of time."

That's what I get for being a wonderful hostess.

[Child laughing]

[Laughing continues]

That's a good little baby.

Who are you?

I'm you.

- What are you doing here? - Nothing.

Just like what you've done with your life.

[Laughter]

What happened to us?

We were supposed to be married with children by now.

It's all here in our diary.

Which is a perfect curse if I might add.

[Laughter]

Well, right now, I'm focusing on my career.

I mean, I'm a modern woman.

Really? 'Cause there were other modern women

at the party who were younger than you

who had husbands and kids!

[Laughter]

Don't make me smack you, little girl.

[Laughter]

Don't make me call fantasy social services.

[Laughter]

How could have let this happen?

Even our frizzy-haired sister has a boyfriend.

[Laughter]

This is our wake-up call, missy.

Remember? We were gonna be Mrs. Michael Jackson.

[Laughter]

Well, that didn't work out for a couple of reasons.

Little Dee, who are you talking to?

I'm just talking to myself, mommy.

That's lovely, dear.

[Laughter]

But it's time for your French lesson.

Come downstairs before madame Genevieve

tells me another story about the French résistance.

[Laughter]

Come on now.

[Speaking French] Allez-vous.

That's French for "get a ring on that finger."

[Laughter]

[Loud thud]

I've got to get moving.

[Introductory musical note]

Well, congratulations on the triplets, Dwayne.

Yeah. Bye.

Unbelievable!

Almost every guy I used to date has gotten married.

Dwayne's been married twice. He's got six kids.

I told him he needed to move on,

but take it easy, pal!

[Laughter]

That's what happens, dear. A good man gets snatched up

faster than Phyllis snatches up

a 12-pack of underwear at costco.

[Laughter]

Ah!

[Laughter]

Hey! Maybe I should give Malcolm a call.

He was nice enough.

Don't bother. He's married to a model.

We have the same manicurist. She tells me everything.

But if it makes you feel better,

Malcolm once called out your name during sex.

He did? Oh, what am I saying!

[Laughter]

It just seems like everyone is settling down but me.

I know it seems that way, sweetheart,

because it is that way.

[Laughter]

I don't know what you're so worried about.

You found a man who wants to have kids.

- That's a hallelujah praisin'! - [Laughter]

Yeah, but what are we gonna do when chase finds out

I don't have any maternal instincts?

You don't need any. I got 'em.

Spencer, sit up straight and use your napkin.

[Laughter]

What do you think, Spence? Is it really important to guys

that a woman is good with children?

Well, "good with kids" is a nice quality.

It's right up there with,

"doesn't like to talk after sex."

[Laughter]

I thought you didn't want any babies.

Lord knows I've asked you enough times.

Well, when you finally meet someone

that you might want to have a baby with,

you start to think about it.

Well, it's no secret

you don't have any maternal instincts.

You couldn't keep sea monkeys alive.

[Laughter]

Mona: Here we go.

Finally, I got her an air fern, and she killed that.

And you know what an air fern needs?

I'll tell you what an air fern needs. Air.

[Laughter]

Ok. So, I'm not good with plants, pets, or kids.

We all agree on that.

But now I've got to do something about it.

You're probably not good with kids

because you're not around any. They can smell fear, Mona.

They're smart like that.

[Laughter]

Hey, how about if I spend more time with drew.

- That might do me some good. - Yeah, but...

I'll feel sorry for the kid.

[Laughter]

[Animated song]

[Dee Dee sighs]

Wow. I do not miss this scene.

Well, it'll only take a couple of minutes

before the guys start sweatin' me.

[Laughter]

Can I buy you a drink?

That was fast even for me.

[Laughter]

Sure.

Actually, I was talking to your curly, curvy friend.

[Laughter]

Oh.

Beat it, loser!

[Laughter]

Hey! That was a free drink. I don't see you buying me one.

You've gotta keep the creeps away.

[Laughter]

[Song continues]

[Mona laughs]

What are you doing?

Feeling the beat.

Wanna dance?

[Laughter]

Uh... no, thanks. I'd rather sit.

- Then, can I sit with you? - Uh, no.

That seat is taken by me.

But I'm standing,

waiting for a man who wants to... [chuckles]

Dance with me.

Oh, uh...

Well, good luck with that.

[Laughter]

Sit down, lord of the dance.

[Laughter]

Why are they only hitting on you?

Do you think we've cosmically switched places?

Maybe because I have a boyfriend,

they sense my confidence.

I mean, you have been very focused

on your career lately.

Maybe your pheromones are fizzled

and these guys are sensing your desperation.

[Laughter]

Ohh! And speaking of desperate.

Isn't that the Deacon from your church

who was always really into you?

[Whispering] I'm not that desperate!

- [Laughter] - Rufus!

Well, well, well.

If it isn't sister Dee Dee.

[Laughter]

Good to see you. We were just leaving.

Oh, no. That's a shame.

'Cause I was gonna buy your pretty sister a drink.

[Laughter]

Sure, she's pretty, but what about me?

Your spirit is not pulling me in your direction anymore.

[Laughter]

No offense.

- It's the lord's way. - [Laughter]

Mona, beverage?

I don't believe this!

[Laughter]

Girl, you make me wanna break all the commandments!

[Laughter]

[Lullaby song]

Ok, drew. I'm gonna show you a good time!

Wait. I sound like I'm talking to a sailor.

[Laughter]

Ok, what I meant was

you are gonna have some fun with your big sister,

and I'm gonna find my inner mommy, ok?

[Laughter]

What time's your mommy coming back?

[Laughter]

Hello, hello! [Gasps] Oh, my!

[Laughter]

Did you know your son's a biter?

From way back. Where you been?

[Laughter]

Obviously not hanging out with baby blackula.

[Laughter]

Count yourself lucky.

The nanny lost a tip of her finger.

[Laughter]

Fortunately, we already had her fingerprinted.

[Laughter]

Uh, lemon drop, I mean this in the nicest way,

but you look more like hell than you usually do.

[Laughter]

Well, drew never stops jumping or rolling

or punching or moving.

You know he found a closet I didn't even know I had?

[Laughter]

I guess I have to face the fact

that I don't have a knack with kids.

Big Dee Dee, I just hope

I don't lose my boyfriend because of this.

Nutter butter, let me tell you something.

[Laughter]

This may come as a shock to you,

but I'm not a very maternal person.

[Laughter]

Don't try to convince me otherwise. [Chuckles]

Ah, the truth is I had those very same fears

when I was pregnant with your sister.

What did you do?

I realized I was gonna need help,

and there's nothing wrong with that.

You don't have to put the whole burden on yourself

if it doesn't come naturally to you.

You know, I never thought of it like that.

And here's a little secret.

When it's your child, you find that your love

will help you overcome your fears.

Come here, baby.

- Wow. That's beautiful. - And don't worry about today.

Any permanent damage you've done

can easily be blamed on the nanny.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

[Knock on door]

Hey, Neil. Come on in.

Janet's in the car.

She wanted to come up. But she didn't.

[Laughter]

Thanks for throwing us such a great shower.

When you're having a baby,

we'll be happy to return the favor.

Oh, thank you, but...

You might be tied up with your kid's graduation

by the time I give birth.

[Laughter]

What are you talking about?

Your shower got me thinking.

Well, that and getting a life lecture

from my 10-year-old self.

[Laughter]

Dee Dee, have you been working a little too hard recently?

[Laughter]

That's all I've been doing.

My job's been going great, but even with that,

I'm starting to question the choices I've made.

But you always wanted a career.

I know. It's just that watching you and Janet

and all your married friends,

it makes me wonder what my life would be like

if I'd gone down that road.

I'll tell you what it would be like. Crazy.

[Laughter]

Oh, come on. You have it all.

Dee Dee, having it all means dealing with it all.

I've only been married a year,

I've already got a kid on the way.

You know what that entails? Setting up a nursery,

finding a pediatrician, saving up for college.

Don't get me started on life insurance.

Do I get a convertible term? How much do I get?

Is it supposed to be seven times my income?

What if it drops? Or if I fall and hit my head

and forget how to do my job?

What if I accidentally kill a man?

- Or what if i... - Neil!

Whoa! Slow down! One day at a time.

It's all gonna work out.

You know, sometimes I feel like people

who don't have as much responsibility are better off.

I mean, look at you.

You got your freedom. You got a great career,

and you got plenty of time to settle down if you want.

Huh.

I guess whatever path you take,

you always wonder if you chose the right one.

Hmm.

I need to tell my 10-year-old self

to stay out of my business.

[Laughter]

I think you need to tell a licensed therapist

about your 10-year-old self.

[Laughter]

Chase, there's something I need to tell you.

Does it have to do with that cheerio in your hair?

- [Mona chuckles] - [Laughter]

Kinda.

And maybe this conversation is a little premature,

but I overheard you tell Spencer

that you want lots of children.

But here's the thing.

I'm not so good with them.

[Laughter]

That's it?

My mind just went a whole lot of other places.

[Laughter]

So, you're ok with dating someone

whose mothering skills need a little help?

All right, a lotta help.

All right. I make Courtney love look like mother of the year.

[Laughter]

Mona, I'm crazy about you,

and if and when we do go down that road,

we'll be doing it together.

[Sighs] I'm so relieved.

And I saw you with that little drooler

at the shower.

There's no way I'd ever leave you alone with our child.

[Laughter]

That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

Thanks, Neil.

I feel a lot better.

You know,

I'm glad we're still friends,

even though I messed up your wedding.

That's ancient history. And don't forget my offer

to throw you a baby shower one day.

Thank you.

I knew it!

How could you do this to me? [Cries]

[Laughter]

On second thought,

forget about that shower. Janet!

- Janet! - [Laughter]

[Introductory theme song]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0