Original subtitles

Ok, chase. There's something I gotta do,

and it's not gonna be pretty.

I tried to put it off, but the time has come,

and like ripping off a band-aid,

if I do it fast, maybe it won't hurt.

Ma, chase. Chase, ma.

[Laughter]

It's really nice to meet you, chase.

I brought you my famous Phyllis navidadfruitcake.

[Laughter]

I have heard so many great things about you.

- So cute. So handsome. - [Chase chuckles]

Pleasure to meet you, too, Mrs. Thorne.

What's wrong with you? No interrogation?

No humiliating anecdotes about my childhood?

- No request for grandbabies? - [Laughter]

Nope. I'm good. See ya.

Ok, this is not the woman I told you about.

- I swear she's crazy. - [Laughter]

Oh, Mona, by the way, don't drink too much eggnog.

You know how it gives you the bubble guts.

[Laughter]

Now that's the mom I told you about.

[Introductory theme song]

♪ through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you finding you I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy inside of me ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

[Ironic laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

Mona, you've been straightening up for over an hour.

I never thought I'd say this about your apartment,

but there's nothing left to be done.

[Laughter]

I know. I like things to be nice for chase,

and would it kill you to use a coaster?

Wow. Usually you don't start obsessing like this

over a guy until after you've slept with him.

[Laughter] [Cheerful humming]

- What was that? - Uhm, what?

That guilty pause you took there. Wait.

You already slept with him, didn't you?

All right, I did.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, we've only been dating for a few weeks,

and usually, I wait at least six dates before I, you know...

Give it up? Lay it on him? Open the cookie jar?

[Laughter]

Well, yeah, and I don't want him to think i'm, you know...

A floozy? A whore? A trick?

[Laughter]

Working with all guys.

Has really improved your vocabulary.

Well, now that you've given him that gift,

what's he supposed to unwrap on Christmas morning?

I don't have enough to worry about?

I'm already thinking

I've gone too fast, too soon with chase.

I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to resist him.

In fact, I know I'm not.

Well, if it'll help, I can stay a while after he gets here,

and we'll talk about the pros and cons,

of the raiders' offense and then no one

will feel the need to take their clothes off.

- [Laughter] - Good idea. Thank you, Dee Dee.

[Knock on door]

[Both] Hey.

[Laughter]

[Cheerful humming]

Well, glad I could help.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

You know what Glen did for me today?

He organized my spice rack.

I loves me some him.

[Laughter]

You know what chase did? He made me dinner,

and he stayed for breakfast. And he made that, too. [Laughs]

I got a man. You got a man.

Life is pretty good for the Thorne birds.

[Knock on door]

Ho ho hello.

[Laughter]

Our streak just ended.

[Laughter]

We have a little announcement.

Hmm. "A gala celebration

of excellence. The bay area legends ball."

Well, what is this?

Mother is throwing her own legends ball

since she was inspired by Oprah.

Don't you mean snubbed by Oprah?

[Laughter]

A postal snafu.

I will be honoring influential actors, musicians,

all those politicians.

Sugar lump, you must come. All the stars will be there.

It's a perfect opportunity

to expose you to civilized society.

So, what are we supposed to wear?

You can wear your fuzzy slippers and robe.

- You're not invited. - [Laughter]

It's for important people. Lots to do. Ta ta.

[Laughter]

Don't feel bad. I doubt I'd be invited

if I weren't coordinating the whole thing.

[Cell phone rings]

Ooh, it's Glen. It's our sweet talk time.

I'm going in the other room.

I thought you came over so we can have bonding time.

I've been bonding with you for 28 years. We're good.

[Laughter]

So needy!

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

So? What's your big news? This is a place of business,

and some of us have to pretend like we're working.

[Laughter]

I wanted to share my news

with the people I see every day,

my co-workers, my friends,

and those who I pass in the hallway

and choose not to speak to.

[Laughter]

Since I got promoted and it's the season for giving,

I figured I'd treat myself to a big, new toy.

Who just bought that big ass truck

takin' up three parking spaces?

[Laughter]

Spencer, you bought a truck.

Not just any truck. It's the new onslaught.

Don't you know the first rule of business?

No one should have a bigger car than the boss.

That would be me.

[Laughter]

The second rule is when the boss gets to work,

the workers should be working.

That'd be you.

[Laughter]

And not pretending like they're working.

That would be you.

[Laughter]

Mona. You missed the staff meeting.

Where were you?

It's over? It never ends this early.

You weren't there to give the a&r report.

Without your long-winded details,

we finished in record time.

[Laughter]

I'm just running a little late.

Chase and I overslept.

Don't worry. We covered for you.

Thank you.

Well, look who decided to join us.

Hi. I'm really sorry that I'm late.

No worries. Adam already told me

about your sister's emergency appendectomy.

Spencer told me you had to have your stomach pumped

after an episode with a bad shrimp.

Rough morning, huh?

Kai, you know I wouldn't be late

unless I had a really good reason.

What's done is done,

but the next time you get your friends to lie for you,

pick somebody with some sense. That would not be you,

and that definitely would not be you.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

- [Knock on door] - Thank you so much. Bye-bye.

Hey, how's my little party planner doing?

Well, I just ordered 30 cases of champagne,

and I got the Christmas garland

and the mistletoe for the ballroom.

Mother's finally approved

the second mold for her ice sculpture bust.

She thought the first one made her look like little Richard.

[Laughter]

I saw it. She was right.

Well, there is a little bad news.

I just got the responses

from ten legends who can't attend.

The poitiers, the spielbergs,

the cosbys, and not one Jackson.

Not even tito?

[Laughter]

Not even rebbie.

[Laughter]

I don't get it. Mother's always supporting their causes.

Well, just keep planning.

Your mother's been a little depressed lately

about her acting career not taking off.

So, this party has got to be a success.

Money is no object.

I've never actually heard you speak those words before.

I know. I accidentally took one

of your mother's pills this morning.

[Laughter]

[Frantic knocking on door]

- Hi, Mona. - Spencer, I'm kinda busy.

Doing what? I need help!

Hey, Spence. What's up?

[Cheerful humming]

Oh, now I know what you were doing.

[Laughter]

Did you want something?

Just a few bucks until next week.

I had to pay my mortgage today and get my hair did.

[Laughter]

I'm taking a date to dinner tonight,

and I'm coming up a little short.

You don't have enough money to pay for your date's dinner?

- That's sad. - [Laughter]

My new onslaught's got a 30-gallon tank.

It's putting a hurtin' on the brother's finances.

Well, probably something you should've thought about

before you sunk your life savings

- into your Christmas present. - But this truck is my dream!

[Scoffs]

Even if it only gets 10 miles per gallon on the highway.

[Laughter]

Unless I'm carting one of my healthier honeys,

then I'm down to 7.

[Laughter]

Well, I drive a hybrid that gets 60 miles per gallon.

See, the more fuel we burn,

the more carbon dioxide we create,

and everybody knows

that contributes to global warming.

[Laughter]

So, Mona, you gonna lend me all that cash?

[Laughter]

- Whatever makes you go away. - Yes.

Oh, and try to date some skinny girl,

so this will last longer.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

[Knock on door]

You're late. Grab a box of chocolates

and a Dee Dee la fontaine cd and get to tying.

Sorry. I got kind of wrapped up with chase.

Yeah, yeah. More sex than you can handle.

Stop bragging.

[Laughter]

Well, when chase and I first started dating,

we talked all the time,

and we had a real spiritual connection.

Now it's nothing but hot and sweaty passion.

Only you can turn great sex into a problem.

[Laughter]

You find something you like,

and you overindulge until you burn out.

You did it with those spicy noodles,

you did it with spongebob, and now chase.

[Laughter]

I know. I'm just a weak, horny starch lover

addicted to a kooky sea sponge.

[Laughter]

Take a breather so you can enjoy

other parts of your relationship.

Muster up some will power and tell chase:

"No, thank you. Not tonight."

Well, easy for you to say. You're not gettin' any.

Sorry. Still bragging.

Anyway, how's the legends ball coming?

Fine, if any legends were actually coming.

They've all rsvp'd no.

I just hope my mother's strong enough to handle the news.

Why's my life a living hell?

I've been turned down for the lowest of acting jobs.

I was so desperate, I auditioned

for the Oakland children's theater production

of a lonely toad.

[Laughter]

Apparently, I didn't capture the true essence

of mama hippity hop.

[Laughter]

There'll be other roles, mom.

I'm no fool. My acting career is hanging by a thread.

The only thing I have to look forward to

is my legends ball. How's that going, dear?

Uh, the ball is, uh...

Gonna be like nothing you ever imagined.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

[Knock on door]

Chase. What are you doing here?

Thought I'd surprise you.

Can't work late on an empty stomach.

Aw. That's so sweet.

It's also a cover.

I just couldn't stay away from you.

I don't think this is such a good idea.

I still have a lot of work to do.

Like what?

Um, oh. I forgot.

[Laughter]

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

[Animated song]

Hey. Why is your new truck collecting dust

in the parking structure? It hasn't been moved in days.

I'm leaving it here, because I'm trying

to cut back on driving until gas prices drop.

[Laughter]

Been riding my bike to work.

[Laughter]

And stealing food from the mouths

of hungry co-workers?

Hard times are spreading just like my ass

since I have up pilates.

[Laughter]

I prefer to think of it as a reallocation

of my current lifestyle funds.

Broke is broke, my brother.

[Laughter]

If you're gonna take food,

at least wait for the good stuff.

The bear claws arrive in ten minutes.

I didn't know we had bear claws.

No one does.

[Laughter]

Mona. At last. When I was flirting

with the security guard this morning,

I found out that chase signed in at 8:00 last night.

When he signed out, he smelled like perfume,

his clothes were wrinkled, and he was missing a sock.

[Laughter]

A sock I saw flung passionately across your filing cabinet.

What say you?

I say that rent-a-cop needs to get a life,

and you need to stay out of my office.

So it's true.

You finally decided to become a tramp like the rest of us.

[Laughter]

Look, I don't want to talk to you right now.

Mona, I need to talk to you right now.

- Me? - Did I stutter?

[Laughter]

What does she want?

I don't know, but I'll listen at the door and find out.

[Laughter]

[Laughter]

Do you have any idea why I'm here?

Uh... should I?

[Laughter]

I decided to work late last night.

How late exactly?

Late enough to know that I don't want to sit down

where naked butts have been.

[Laughter]

That late, huh?

Look, it's ok to have fun and be in love

and all that mess,

but don't let your personal life

get in the way of important things, like your job.

Kai, I am so sorry that you had to see what you saw,

and how much did you see?

[Laughter]

Too much of you, not enough of him.

But the point is no one should be having sex at work,

especially when the boss is experiencing a drought.

[Laughter]

Y'all really need to learn the rules around here.

Don't make me start posting signs.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

So, Glen is taking me to some fancy seafood spot.

Usually, I'd eat before we go out,

that way I'm not hungry,

and I can order something light and cute,

but it's been two months,

it's time he saw my real appetite.

[Laughter]

No one needs to see that, ma.

[Knock on door]

[Coughs] Hey, chase.

Hey, Mona. Everything ok? I've been calling you all day.

I'm sorry, I'm not feeling so hot,

so I'll call you later.

Well, baby, can I get you some soup or something?

I mean, you know I make a mean theraflu tea.

[Laughter]

That's sweet, but no. I'll call you later.

Ok. Feel better.

What the hell was that?

[Laughter]

I just need some time to think.

You've had time. Years by your damn self time.

You got a man now. It's man time.

[Laughter]

I just haven't figured out exactly how to tell chase

I think we need to slow things down.

Try the truth.

Baby, your relationship with chase is new,

and this is the time you should be totally open and honest.

Save the lies and cover-ups for after you're married.

- [Laughter] - I suppose.

So, go ahead and get it all out now

while he still thinks you're interesting

and actually listens to what you have to say.

[Laughter]

Oh. Cancel your plans for Saturday.

You're invited to mother's legends ball.

I thought I wasn't important enough.

You are now. Dress pretty,

bring your friends, tell your patients.

[Laughter]

Sounds like my sweet 16 party.

I just need warm bodies in the room.

It turns out it's "honor a celebrity" season,

and everybody's booked.

Well, personally, I think celebrities

get honored too much anyway.

I mean, how does being famous equate to helping society?

The guy who bags our groceries impacts our community

more than Nicole Kidman does.

[Laughter]

You just gave me an idea.

Oh! Are you going to the grocery store?

I am depleted from all the lovin' I've been getting.

I need gatorade and drano. Ooh, not related.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

Dee Dee, this is beautiful, but why is there

an ice sculpture of little Richard?

[Laughter]

It looked like my mom an hour ago.

[Laughter]

And everyone is here except her.

She's been practicing her grand entrance for weeks.

I had to talk her out

of being lowered from the ceiling on a swing.

[Laughter]

Hey, Spencer. Saw your new onslaught outside.

Very nice.

Thanks. That's my baby. She's pretty special.

The valets think so, too.

They're taking turns racing it down the block.

I knew I should've rode my bike.

Brother can't have nothing nice!

[Laughter]

Thank you.

Well, the diva's limo has arrived.

I have to cue her entrance music.

She recorded it herself. I don't make these things up.

[Laughter]

[Slow song]

♪ I used to hide ♪

♪ where love couldn't find me ♪

[Applause]

[Laughter]

♪ What I thought was foolish... ♪

Lord. How many photographers am I paying for?

[Laughter]

Where's the bar I'm paying for?

[Laughter]

[Song continues]

Thank you so much for honoring us tonight.

We really appreciate you.

You're so welcome, so deserving,

so ordinary. Who are you?

Excuse us.

Mom, there's something I need to tell you.

I don't see my stars. Where are my stars?

Instead of honoring celebrities,

tonight you're honoring teachers, police officers,

social workers, nurses.

Is it Mariah Carey's nurse?

[Laughter]

These are the unsung heroes of everyday

who really deserve to be celebrated.

- Whose terrible idea was this? - This event is a terrific idea.

Now this is a story that needs to be told.

- It does? - Photographer: Yes.

It captures the true meaning of the season.

You're a bright, new, philanthropic star

for everyone to look up to.

Can I get a picture for the ap wire?

Of course. [Chuckles]

And I will hold my lantern up to shine a light

on the unsung heroes of everyday life.

Even if they're poorly dressed.

[Applause]

[Laughter]

[Big Dee Dee groans]

Glen couldn't make it, but he wanted me to thank you

for acknowledging contributions of firemen.

Well, his courage and bravery should be celebrated.

Dating you is truly a colossal act of kindness.

[Laughter]

I'll ignore that since you're finally doing something good.

I guess when you peel back all those superficial layers,

there's more underneath than just a tall, bald man.

[Big Dee Dee gasps]

[Laughter]

Moving along.

There is a very special guest waiting to see you.

Mom, your very first acting teacher.

Joanne chavis. I'm speechless.

I couldn't miss checking in on my number one student.

Plus, your daughter flew me first class from Topeka.

[Laughter]

Well, I'm afraid I haven't lived up to that reputation.

The big roles just aren't coming.

It's not about big roles, Dee. It's about your passion.

And you can never be a failure

when you're following your heart.

So true. Oh, thank you for coming

all this way to remind me of that.

Any reason to get the hell outta Kansas.

[Laughter]

Excuse me a minute.

Baby, how did you manage to make all this happen?

Mom, I know it's not exactly what you wanted...

But it is exactly what I needed.

Oh, thank you. Well, my new fans await.

- [Both laugh] - Got get them.

Good job, honey.

Your mother's happy. I don't know how you did it.

I don't wanna know how much you did it for,

but you did it.

Well, you can't put a price on mom's happiness.

That much, huh?

[Laughter]

Hey. You look like you're feeling better.

I am. I'm really glad that you came.

I'm sorry that I've been a little distant lately,

but what I've been struggling with

is our physical relationship. No, I mean it's great.

Really, really, really great. [Laughs]

But I just think we need to slow things down

so we can let our emotional connection catch up,

and so I can actually get some work done

- and keep my job. - [Chase laughs]

I'm happy to hear that.

- You are? - Yeah.

I mean, once we started down that path,

I was feeling the pressure to keep it up.

So, I'm happy to slow down,

because I'm not sure how much stamina I have left.

[Mona laughs]

Wow. I thought it was just me.

Mona, I'm in this for the long haul.

Ok? So, let's just take our time and enjoy each other.

[Both chuckle]

Well, not that we haven't been enjoying each other, but...

Yeah, I know what you mean.

[Introductory musical note]

I used to be a commoner.

[Laughter]

I have a toast.

The next time we have a problem,

let's just communicate.

Agreed. Let's be open and honest.

[Mona chuckles]

You know, being open and honest is kinda sexy.

Yeah. I'm feeling it.

Let's go communicate at my place.

I'll give you some holiday cheer.

Are you gonna be naughty or nice?

Both.

I'll get the car.

[Laughter]

[Introductory theme song]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0