Original subtitles

[Introductory musical note]

You would not believe the extra work

that comes with being a sports agent.

If a client wants property, I'm scouting houses.

Somebody on a diet, I'm finding a nutritionist.

Now one of our athletes is having a bachelor party.

Who do you think...

You are not popping out of a cake.

[Laughter]

No, but I have to find someone who will.

Just in case, be available next Saturday.

[Laughter]

[Knock on door]

Ooh! Pedicure party!

Can I soak?

Since when are you into grooming?

Since I need help trying to hook up

with this classy girl I met at yoga.

Yeah, been getting my shocker on.

Oh, a new girl?

Well, I don't know how I can help, but...

Spencer: You can't.

I'm here to see Dee Dee, the classy one.

No offense, Mona.

None taken, but next time you're broke,

see if the classy one loans you money.

[Laughter]

Her name's Gabrielle.

She's smart, pretty, and way out of my league.

Well, Spencer, the first way to impress a classy girl

is to take her to a classy place.

Good idea.

You think she'll like the crab shack?

Ladies love a good shellfish.

Stay with me, Spence.

My agency has a luxury skybox.

The whole family's going to a warriors game tonight.

You should bring Gabrielle.

Yeah, even my mom's bringing her

smokin' hot new boy toy Glenn.

She insists I call him that.

I talked her down from Mr. Hottie cchotterson.

Who?

[Laughter]

[Introductory theme song]

♪ through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you finding you I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy inside of me ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Ironic laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

Thanks again for inviting us, Dee Dee.

I usually sit courtside, so this is a cute change.

Stick with me, Gabrielle.

I'll take you to a lot of fancy places.

Ooh! No skin on the shrimp?

Nice!

[Laughter]

[Laughs] Spencer, you are so funny!

Stop acting like you've never seen shrimp before!

Ma, there are 20 chairs here.

Get off of him. This is not the back seat of a Chevy.

[Laughter]

I know. This lap is a Cadillac.

[Laughter]

Oh, fine. Come on, Glenn. Let me make you a plate.

We better hurry. Spencer is killin' those shrimp.

[Laughter]

Hello, sports fans. Sorry we're late.

Your mom had a little trouble choosing her game hair.

[Laughter]

- Mona: Hi, daddy. - How are you?

Little Dee, I am really proud of you.

Working hard, making your own money.

I get to reap the rewards!

Well, it's good to know I work

sixty hours a week for your benefit, daddy.

That's it? I worked 80 for yours.

[Laughter]

But I'm still proud.

This luxury suite adds sophistication

to even a sweaty sport like basketball.

And speaking of over-active sweat glands,

who let Phyllis in?

[Laughter]

Your ex-husband's hair isn't that greasy.

I mean, he shouldn't stand near an open flame, but...

[Laughter]

Charles, big Dee Dee,

I'd like you to meet Glenn stalworth.

Nice to meet you.

Phyllis, I didn't know you were adopting.

[Laughter]

She's not.

Nice hair, by the way.

[Laughter]

For your information, he's my man.

He's also a fireman. You should see him in action.

Glenn, go get your ladder and climb big Dee Dee.

I hear you're the one that saved my property.

I can't thank you enough.

I have two very precious jewels in that building.

And one leftover lump of coal.

[Laughter]

[Yells] Yes!

Tell me you saw that last play!

Cross over, then take it to the right, bam!

Spencer, please!

Let's use our skybox voices. Come on.

- [Laughter] - Oh. My bad.

I'll keep it down.

This is pretty weird.

[Dee Dee: There's our dad, our moms,

and your possible future daddy.

We're like "the Brady bunch" with afro sheen.

[Laughter]

Mona, I thought you were supporting

your mom's relationship with Glenn.

I am, but if she keeps acting like a teenager in heat,

I won't make it to halftime.

[Laughter]

Anyway...

Glenn's been planning a little weekend get-away.

A little lover's retreat.

You're going away? That's great!

If you leave now, you can be there by...

Well, who cares as long as you go now? Go, come on.

I have a cabin in Aspen. No phone, no TV.

We can spend every uninterrupted moment together.

Dear, don't you get enough stress from your day job?

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

So sorry I'm late.

I had to hold a linebacker's hand

while he got his first tattoo.

[Laughter]

Well, we already ordered for you.

And I'm so glad you guys could join us.

I just think it's so important

to get to know your boyfriend's friends.

Especially when they're girls, right?

- [Fake laughs] - [Laughter]

So, you two hooked up? Congratulations.

[Sighs]Thanks to you and the skybox,

this is our one-weekiversary!

[Both giggling]

We've been to the ballet, the opera,

and I finally learned the proper way

to check for food in my teeth!

Oh, oh, sweetie, sweetie,

that's not something we brag about, ok?

[Laughter]

- My bad. - Yes!

So, Dee Dee, how's the bachelor party coming along?

Great! Cigars, pretty ladies,

six kinds of scotch.

[Fake choke] Bachelor parties are so immature.

Spencer, I am so glad you're not going,

because I'd have to put my foot down.

[Laughs] Yeah, right.

Like your size six and a half can stop me from going.

[Laughter]

But who cares?

Because I wasn't invited to that immature foolishness.

Gabrielle: Yes!

Oh, I can't eat these. They're cold.

They just came from my kitchen.

Then your kitchen must be freezing.

Sorry, hon.

I see you've added another winner to your crew.

[Laughter]

Could I get some more soy sauce?

You don't need more sodium.

I'll have these noodles heated up.

Thank you.

Oh, Spencer, Spencer, sweetie.

I know you're not gonna start eating before me, are you?

- My bad. - Yes.

Oh, excuse me, sweetie?

Can you be a dear and bring us both new, hot bowls?

Hot.

Spencer, I thought you said you were starving.

Nah, I'm cool.

My girl's just looking out for me.

Oh, and I expect dessert to be complimentary.

Oh, you get something free, all right.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

Your plan for the bachelor party looks fabulous!

I see your client spared no expense

for female entertainment.

You know, your mother's no stranger to burlesque.

Why am I not surprised?

[Laughter]

The time, sometime after midnight.

The place, somewhere in Vegas.

I don't know where. I was stuck in a cake.

[Laughter]

But when I popped out of it,

I was looking into the baby blues

of one frank Sinatra.

Oh, he downed his Martini

and placed his olive somewhere I'd rather not mention.

But I still have the pit.

- [Laughter] - [Knock on door]

Come in, whoever it is!

Break it down if you have to!

[Laughter]

Yo, double dees.

That's what frank called me.

I was heavily padded.

[Laughter]

Hey, Dee.

You know how you helped me get with Gabrielle?

I'm not taking credit for that.

In fact, I saw little traces of crazy in the skybox,

which were confirmed

by touches of whack-a-doo in the noodle bar!

[Laughter]

I know. It's gotten to the point

where I wake up screaming "my bad, my bad"!

- So what can I do to help? - I need you to get her off me.

See, my way of breaking up

conflicts with the new, mature Spencer.

Spencer, you can break up with her nicely

and still maintain your integrity.

Just be firm, direct.

There are no maybes or probablys.

Just get in the woman's face, look her straight in the eye,

and cut her loose.

Ooh...

That's much better than my old way.

They always cry when I say

I'm being called to Africa by the peace corps.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

I can't believe Spencer's late.

I need male input on what tasteless gifts

to get for this bachelor party.

[Laughter]

Whips, handcuffs.

Studded leather spiky thingy...

How desperate would you have to be to buy this stuff?

Phyllis: Wow, that's huge!

How many batteries does it take?

Four c's will get you where you want to go.

[Laughter]

It also comes with an adapter for your car.

For those long road trips.

[Laughter]

Ma, what are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Ma'am, if you buy a fifth vibrating item,

you get a free DVD of "a night in Paris".

[Laughter]

Mom, a word now in the bondage aisle.

[Laughter]

- Where have you been? - Upstairs.

That's where all the DVDs are.

Now, that i'm a bachelor again,

I need to buy back everything

that Gabrielle made me throw away.

So your break-up went well?

Oh, yeah. I followed your advice to the letter,

and I haven't spoken to that control freak in two days.

This is humiliating!

Well, how do you think I feel?

I need help, Mona. This is hard to admit,

but Glenn and I haven't been intimate yet.

But you're always all over each other.

The other night, he practically had your neck for dessert.

That's because it's the only piece of flesh

I've allowed him to see.

Mona, I'm nervous.

I mean, our big get-away is this weekend,

and he's so young and sexy and virile.

All the guys I've been with up to now

have barely been able to keep up with me.

I think Glenn can go the distance...

And then some.

[Laughter]

Look, ma, I will help you through this.

Now, put everything back and let's go.

Ok, well, maybe except

for the chocolate-flavored massage oil.

[Laughter]

$78 for a tickler?

[Scoffs] Just give me the money.

I'll tickle my damn self.

[Laughter]

Sweetie! [Giggle]

I recognized your rusted-out cutlass in the parking lot,

so I decided to come in here and surprise you!

Surprise!

It certainly is. Look, I thought we...

Oh, silly, I knew you didn't want to break up with me!

And you coming in here

trying to find us a little entertainment

just proves it to me.

- It does? - And since I'm here,

I'm gonna get us something a little special too,

because I can't wait

to spend the night making up to you.

So you drink down that gatorade, big boy.

[Imitates yelp]

[Laughter]

Dee Dee, make her go away!

Don't worry, Spencer.

We are breaking up with this girl

if it's the last thing I do!

Now, clearly, Gabrielle is a "get-what-she-wants"

type of girl. I know how to handle her kind.

I'm glad.

Because her kind is buying a lot of freaky stuff!

[Introductory musical note]

Wow. The first time I'm giving a sex talk,

and I'm giving it to my mother.

[Laughter]

Well, sex was different in my day.

Men were lucky just to get it.

Now you've gotta have tricks and whatnot.

Mona, I don't have any tricks,

and my whatnot's seen better days.

Don't worry, ma. It'll be ok.

Now, remember, the best intimacy comes

when two people feel...

Whatever. I just want to rock his world.

Give me some tips.

[Laughter]

Ok. Confidence is key.

So I usually have some wine, low lighting,

and by low I mean off.

And if you lay just right,

it emphasizes the breasts

and De-emphasized the back fat.

[Laughter]

Oh, god. It's the blind leading the blind.

- [Laughter] - [Introductory musical note]

Thanks for calling, Dee Dee.

It's nice to hang out with someone

you have so much in common with.

We both have great style, fabulous hair,

and we care so much about Spencer.

Actually...

I'm here on his behalf.

He's been trying to be a gentleman

and break up with you nicely,

but you keep ignoring him.

Of course I'm ignoring him, honey.

He's a man. They're all confused.

[Laughter]

He's just afraid of getting too close.

But I'm helping him fix that.

[Kindly] Come on now, Gabrielle.

Let's hold up the truth mirror, shall we?

Now, I understand it may be hard hearing it from him,

but you and I, we speak the same language.

It's over.

[Scoffs] Are you sure he feels...

It's over.

- Yeah, but what about... - [Emphasize] Over.

[Laughter]

Wow.

No one's ever been that honest with me before.

Well, I guess I have no choice.

I mean, if Spencer wants to let me go,

I'll let him go. [Fake laugh]

Thank you for taking the time to tell me this.

I'm sorry if I was harsh,

but it's for the good of womankind!

She left quickly.

You know, you could learn from her.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

[Exotic music playing]

[Zills chiming]

Ok, so this next movement

gets you in touch with your sensual self.

So think of your body as an ocean...

With waves of sexuality.

[Exotic music continues]

Oh, hell no!

[Laughter]

I'm trying to keep a young man.

I don't need to slip a disk trying to be Shakira!

[Laughter]

Phyllis, this is about you being confident

in your own skin.

Shauna: Hmm! Wow!

Where did you learn to do that?

Shauna and I went to law school together.

I helped her with torts

and she helped me belly dance my waist down to 22 inches.

Damn, my mom has a cat with a 22-inch waist.

[Laughter]

Just remember, any body movement

can be done in a sexy, enticing way.

I mean, just say you're...

Taking out the trash.

[Laughter]

If I could do that, I'd never have

to take out the trash again!

Ok, look, try this one.

[Shauna groan]

Uh! Yeah!

Phyllis, work those abs!

Ooh! Look at that. I got me some abs!

I'm starting to feel sexy.

All I need is some lingerie and some finger cymbals,

and I'll get the groove back in my whatnot!

[Zills chiming]

[Introductory musical note]

Here's to me.

I gave your mom her sexuality back.

I extricated Spencer from that cling thing Gabrielle.

She won't be hanging onto another man anytime soon.

[Laughter]

Probably because she hasn't let go of Spencer yet.

She must be amazing in bed.

I know what this looks like.

But she's amazing in bed!

[Laughter]

Spencer, what happened?

Gabrielle put a hood on me or something.

She made me do things that hurt

and felt good at the same time.

You gotta help me as soon as we get back from cabo.

What? It's rude to sleep with a girl

and not accept a free Mexican vacation.

Spencer, this isn't about you anymore.

This is about "good vs. Evil".

Don't, don't. Hell hath no fury like a Dee Dee scorned.

[Laughter]

Dee Dee: We had an understanding.

You were gonna leave Spencer alone.

I'm sure you've gone through changes with your boyfriend.

[Gasps] Oh, wait.

You don't have one.

Well, that's probably because you're too busy

all up in my business.

[Laughter]

You know, Gabrielle,

by ignoring Spencer's break-up attempts,

you're playing into the whole "crazy black woman" stereotype.

Come on, girl. We barely recovered from omarosa.

[Laughter]

Dee Dee, I eat girls like you for breakfast,

so why don't you just go home alone

like you do every night?

I don't need a man to define me.

Ah, the lonely woman's mantra.

Gabrielle: Spencer! Let's go.

All of a sudden, it's gotten a little too crowded in here.

[Yell] Come on!

[Laughter]

I brought you some ice cream since you got your ass kicked.

[Introductory musical note]

Ok, ma, here's one last thing for your trip.

[Whispers] Condoms.

But, remember, if you're not ready, just say no.

I mean, no one will judge you for choosing abstinence.

Dee Dee: Phyllis, just relax and have fun.

Make out on the nature trails.

Frolic around naked in the cabin.

No, no, no. No walking around naked.

I don't want you to get a splinter.

[Laughter]

[Knock on door]

- Hi, honey. - Hey.

[Cheerful humming]

[Groan] Wow.

Up top.

Ought to take you out of town more often.

Which reminds me, do you have a number

where you can be reached and the address of the place

you'll be staying?

Yes, and at your mother's request,

I am not giving it to you.

[Laughter]

Oh, Mona, I don't think your mom

can take that grooming kit on the plane.

She's right. We don't want to get detained

- and miss our flight. - Oh, yeah.

It'd be a shame if something like that happened.

Excuse me. I need to go call Spencer.

What are you gonna be cooking

with all this flavored oil, babe?

[Laughter]

[Surprise groan]

Let's go now.

[Introductory musical note]

Wasn't it nice of Dee Dee

to stop by this morning and bring us muffins?

Guess she knows when she's been beaten.

Uh, ma'am, I have to look through your bag.

Whatever.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am.

You're not allowed to take sharp objects on board.

That's not mine. I don't even know how it got in there!

Has anyone else had access to your luggage?

No! I packed it myself last night!

[Groans] Spencer, sweetie...

Why don't you go to the gate and save us some seats

while I slowly explain things to this guy?

[Laugh] Ok. Nice knowing you.

I mean, see you there.

[Small laugh]

Oh, just take the stupid kit so I can go!

Why are you traveling with all this contraband?

[Laughter]

Dee Dee, that heifer, set me up.

[Agrees ironically]

Well, here at airport security,

we don't take mystery items in luggage lightly.

Come with me.

Oh, no, but I'll miss my flight!

Yes, you will.

- [Laughter] - [Introductory musical note]

- You look great. - Thank you!

[Knocks]

Hello... Phyllis, you're smiling.

Good idea to stay heavily medicated.

That way, when your boyfriend dumps you,

it won't hurt so much.

[Laughter]

Glenn and I just got back from our very romantic weekend.

And this time, I didn't have to carry my man

over the threshold.

[Laughter]

You know, Phyllis,

that's the only thing I miss about you.

The way you used to put your back into it.

Enough, Charles.

Are those the pictures of the morbid affair?

Yes, and I was just showing them to Mona.

But, ma, these are all taken from inside the room.

That's because we never made it outside...

[Laughter]

If you know what I mean.

I'm gonna pretend like I don't know what she means.

What who means?

[Laughter]

As far as I'm concerned,

the last two minutes never happened.

- [Laughter] - [Introductory musical note]

[Introductory theme song]

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