Original subtitles

Mom, I'm glad you're finally letting coco get some exercise.

Honey, I had no choice.

She's small, but she eats like a rottweiler.

[Laughter]

I've already had two panels sewed

into her rubbery raincoat.

Her self esteem is at an all-time low.

[Yowls and meows]

Mom, hold her! That's Phyllis's cat!

Honey, get back here!

You don't know where that cat's been!

[Laughter]

It wasn't your fault, mom.

I called out,

but it was like the feline had a death wish.

[Laughter]

Then I lost sight of him...

Under that fast-moving buick.

[Laughter]

I'm sure he didn't feel it. It happened so fast.

Well, coco did finally get some exercise.

[Laughter]

Poor Phyllis. What will you tell her?

I don't know.

I got to think this through carefully.

There's no telling how ghetto someone of that ilk will react.

[Laughter]

Promise you won't say a word?

Ok, but when you do tell her, be extra sensitive.

I will.

Losing a pet is very painful.

Perhaps a short email would do the trick?

[Laughter]

- Mom! - Big Dee Dee: Fine.

I'll tell her in person when the time is right.

Perhaps when she's in a good mood.

That should buy me a few years.

[Laughter]

[Introductory theme song]

♪ through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you finding you I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy inside of me ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Ironic laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

And when you threw

those back-to-back changeups to Sanders,

then got him out with your 90 mile an hour splitter,

brilliant.

I love it when my agents get excited seeing me pitch.

You know what gets me excited?

Is all the zeroes we negotiated for you

in your new contract.

[Laughter]

And you did get me a lots of perks.

Well, the purple range rover on hydraulics

was a little tough,

but it'll be in your garage in a week.

Don't forget, we got you a garage, too.

[Laughter]

- We're just that good. - [Small laugh]

So all we need now is your signature

on your first big contract

and we'll pop open the champagne.

Guys, this is awesome,

but there are a couple of key things missing.

What about the music studio at the stadium?

And I told you I needed additional time off

to write songs.

Ace, yeah, you know, the club is just not willing

to support your hobby to that degree.

I mean, they thought it was enough

to let you play guitar on the team jet.

[Laughter]

This is a deal-breaker for me.

You know music is my true passion.

[Fake laugh] It is? Because you seemed pretty passionate

about cashing your paycheck for the last two seasons.

[Laughter]

I just need more time to sing and write music

when the muse strikes.

Can't the muse strike during the off season?

[Laughter]

You can't control the muse.

[Laughter]

You know what?

Why don't you let us see what we can do?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know,

heck, if management won't go for it,

then we'll look for another team.

You guys are the best.

I am so thanking you in my first cd.

[Ironic laughs]

There's not a club in the league

that's gonna go for that.

[Laughter]

I know!

And if we don't deliver, there goes our commission.

We are never gonna get him to give up his stupid dream.

Unless...

Someone else crushes it.

Listening.

- Liking. - [Laughter]

My sister is head of a&r at delicious records.

Ace goes in, he sings for her,

Mona tells him he sucks, which he probably does,

ace realizes he's wasting his time

and redirects his energy back to baseball.

He signs his contract,

and we look like the good guys that we are.

Crush a young man's spirit to keep him on the mound?

- I can live with that. - [Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

Hey, Mona.

Hey, Dee Dee. What are you doing here?

I need a favor.

No. What was it?

[Laughter]

I needed your help making somebody feel like crap.

I spoke too soon. I'm intrigued.

[Laughter]

It could be fun.

It combines two things that we love.

Me keeping my job and us ganging up on somebody.

Well, you know I like a good sister shakedown.

- Who we hittin'? - [Laughter]

Ace Blackwell.

He's risking the great contract

that Brett and I worked our butts off to get him.

Ace Blackwell, that gorgeous pitcher's ass

that looks so good in those baseball pants?

The very same.

Seems he fancies himself a singer,

but his hobby is gonna keep us from closing a deal!

Mona, I can't lose a client before I even sign one.

So, you'll meet with him?

Well, I guess I could make a sacrifice for my sister.

Look, I will bring ace in to sing,

and then I'll break the bad news.

And if cries, I'll comfort him.

God, I hope he cries.

- [Laughter] - [Introductory musical note]

[Door opens]

I have looked everywhere for Fred.

- [Door close] - Behind the toilet,

in the sock drawer, in the dumpster,

where he makes sweet love to the alley cat.

[Laughter]

And in the larger room where he makes sweet love

to the dryer filter.

[Laughter]

- Ma... - He's 22.

Let the cat have some love.

Fred's just never been gone this long.

Don't worry, he'll turn up.

In some form or another.

Well, come on.

What do you mean "come on"?

You're gonna help me find him.

Oh, when I said he was gonna turn up,

I meant I'm sure he'll turn up

even if I don't help you find him.

[Laughter]

[Cell beeping]

Hi, mom?

Yeah, I just wanted to know how Phyllis took the news

when you told her about Fred.

Uh-huh.

Aw, that must have been very tough. [Scream] Liar!

[Laughter]

She and Mona are looking for him right now!

Dee Dee, I need you.

You're the only one small enough to fit

into the crawl space under the building.

So grab a hair net, a flashlight,

and some tuna. You goin' in.

- [Laughter] - [Introductory musical note]

Ace Blackwell is coming here?

Now how did you pull that off?

Or what did you pull off to pull that off?

[Laughter]

This is strictly professional.

Although I'm not beneath that because the man is tasty.

I know that's right.

I'd love to catch a pass from him.

That's football. He plays baseball.

I know.

[Laughter]

Hi. I'm looking for Mona Thorne?

[Together] Wow.

It's... it's nice to meet you.

I'm Mona, and this is Spencer Williams.

Cool to meet ya. You been beatin' up on my ass.

[Whisper] I won a lot of money because of you.

[Laughter]

And the little Filipino man buzzing around you

is our receptionist, Adam.

I always pick you first in my fantasy league,

which may or may not have anything to do with baseball.

Wow.

I'm at an actual record company.

This is like opening day for me.

Anyway, I brought my demo. Where can we listen to it?

Actually we prefer to hear artists sing live.

You want me to sing right now?

Yes. It only takes a few bars

before we know if you got the goods.

[Clears throat]

♪ If I told you I loved you ♪

♪ would you run away? ♪

♪ If I showed you I need you ♪

♪ would that be ok? ♪

♪ You're so real to me it hurts ♪

♪ I think you are the one because I don't want... ♪

Mona, he got skills.

How would you know your boy could sing like that?

It's a gift.

[Laughter]

♪ Oh, darling it's the things you do ♪

♪ that let me know you love me ♪

♪ girl, you're all the things I didn't know ♪

♪ baby, I am here to stay ♪

♪ so don't don't you ever run away ♪

♪ because you have my soul within you for sure ♪

[Applause]

So, what you think?

You were so much better than you were supposed to be.

I mean, you were good. Really good.

She's not puttin' enough on it, kid.

You have an incredible voice.

[Whisper] Thank you.

He's also got a cleft chin

I could curl up and take a nap in.

- [Laughter] - [Elevator chimes]

[Laughing and chattering]

Ace seems happy. Why is ace happy?

Yeah, about that...

Mona, I'm supposed to be picking up

the pieces of ace's shattered dream,

yet I see no pieces to pick up.

Where are the pieces?

[Laughter]

Yeah, about that, too.

I may not be able to crush him like I thought.

- The guy is actually talented. - So what?

This is about one sister helping the other.

You said you wanted him to cry.

Is any of this coming back to you?

That was before I heard him.

Why didn't you tell me he could sing?

I didn't know!

Well, everyone here just heard him,

and I'm not gonna compromise my professional reputation

and say he stink just because you're my sister.

- I'd do it for you. - Well, you're stupid.

[Laughter]

Hey, you know, it's not like you haven't been wrong

about talented people before.

Remember how you let joss stone get away?

Oh, whatever. A little white girl

who sings like a big, black woman.

It's not so novel.

Well, now you have to think about her

every time you see an ad for the gap.

I can't believe you went there.

Believe it. And what about my job?

I told Brett that you could help us.

Well, you should understand that I can't.

Oh, well, I thought I could count on my sister,

but obviously I can't.

Dee Dee...

Oh, and just so you know,

I'm going to the gap

and I'm gonna listen to joss stone on the way.

And then, I'm gonna buy myself a pair of flat,

front chinos, size zero. That's right! Zero, baby!

- [Laughter] - [Introductory musical note]

[Introductory musical note]

Hey, Thorne, come here.

Fill me in. Catch me up.

Well, I had eggs for breakfast,

had a great workout downstairs,

picked up my dry cleaning,

gave a bagel to the security guard

in the parking lot. How about you?

Me? Let's see, I didn't have breakfast.

I pulled a groin muscle, so I can't work out.

Oh, yeah, and I just got off the phone with ace

who said he's retiring from baseball.

You know anything about that?

Did he say when he was retiring?

Because maybe he likes to plan ahead,

what with the state of social security and everything.

Oh, give it up, Thorne.

Ace told me what happened at delicious.

Thanks to your sister,

the man wants to retire from baseball now.

Actually she's my half-sister,

so technically I'm only half-responsible for this mess.

Well, what used to be a small problem

has now become a "I don't want to play no more" problem.

Don't worry, Brett.

I'm working on a plan to fix this.

No, no, no. You are through fixing.

It's time for the a-team.

I'm gonna go over there,

and I'm gonna talk to your sister personally.

Fine. But remember she's family, so...

Oh, what the hell. She screwed me.

Take her down.

Phyllis?

Big Dee Dee.

Why are you out in the day time?

I have something I need to tell you.

It's about Fred.

I want you to know that I...

Well, I'm an animal lover myself and...

I'm worried about him.

[Laughter]

Worried, huh?

I guess I couldn't tell

since you've had the same expression

injected into your face for the last 4 years.

Well, thanks for your concern,

but I'm hopeful that he'll come home.

You know, home means a lot of different things

to different people.

That's true. And the beauty of it is,

I can close the door to mine.

[Door closing]

[Knocks on door] Mona, hi.

All right, so let's get down to it.

I'm not really used to having people stand in my way.

And frankly? I don't think you know

who you're dealing with here.

Actually I don't. Who the hell are you?

Oh, right. I'm sorry.

Brett mahoney, g&g. I work with your sister.

Adam: Mona, I tried to stop him.

I told this man that you were very busy.

Yeah, and I have to say, the security around here

is like way too tight. Does everybody get patted down

as thoroughly as I was by this man?

[Laughter]

Adam's not security.

[Laughter]

You're not?

Got to go.

[Laughter]

Look, you're obviously here about ace Blackwell.

He's very talented.

He is one of the best young ball players in the majors.

Well, he's also one of the freshest acts

I've heard in a long time.

- The man has to play baseball. - The man wants to sing.

I don't think you understand where I'm coming from.

I need you to back off.

And I need you to back off me backing off.

[Ironic laugh] How long we gonna keep this up?

- How long you got? - Brett: Mona...

Listen, ace is a sports star

and now he wants to quit, all right?

You just cannot jeopardize his career like that.

Look, I can't even make a move towards ace

until my boss listens to his demo,

and that could take weeks.

Mona, Kai heard ace's demo. She loved it.

She wants us to make this happen.

Here's the offer. Now be sure you...

Who's the dude?

Brett mahoney. I'm here on business.

[Chuckles] Right.

You know, you don't need to hide the jungle fever.

We all catch it from time to time.

[Laughter]

You want to explain that?

Well, that's when a white person and a black person...

[yell] I meant the record deal!

I know what jungle fever is.

I work with brothers with money.

[Laughter]

Miss Thorne, would you like security

to escort this man out? Security would like that.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

You again?

[Laughter]

Forgive me, Phyllis, for I have sinned.

That's old news. Nobody but Charles thought

you were a virgin when you met.

[Laughter]

This is about Fred.

Fred?

Fred is dead.

Fred is dead?

That's what I said.

[Laughter]

How?

Coco chased your cat under a moving car.

The car kept moving, Fred didn't.

- [Gasps] - [Laughter]

[Lament] My poor baby!

I had Fred cremated and put into this mini urn.

[Laughter]

This is a cocktail shaker.

Yes, and I'll miss it as much as you'll miss Fred.

[Laughter]

Just know that I have been wracked with guilt for days.

Well, I love seeing you suffer...

But the truth is Fred was really old and stick.

He was only out because I wanted him

to enjoy the outdoors in his final days.

Crazy cat probably ran out in the traffic on purpose.

[Sighs] That is such a relief.

Phyllis, I thought it only fitting

that I get you a new kitten.

I've arranged for a limo to take us

to the animal shelter.

We wouldn't want you to have a low cat count.

[Laughter]

Who knew you had feelings?

Then let's go. Oh, but please, don't stand on the seat

and put your head out the sunroof.

We don't want to have to circle back

to pick up your ponytail, dear.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

This is all happening so fast.

Hey, when we find talent, we move on it.

So let's go to the conference room.

We got to get to the good things

before Adam eats all the centers out of them.

[Laughter]

This is the best Danish I've had

since that double-jointed sailor from Copenhagen.

[Laughter]

I love living in a port city.

[Laughter]

[Elevator chimes]

- What are you two doing here? - Ace is our client.

We're here on behalf of g&g to represent his interests.

Well, I'm cool with that.

We were just about to present our offer.

Adam, would you show Brett to the conference room?

Ah, stay away from me, man.

[Laughter]

I'm sorry, but ace is leaving baseball.

Is he? I'm not sure he realizes exactly

what he's getting into. He needs to hear both sides.

And once he does, we'll see who gets him.

- Yes, we'll see. - We certainly will.

- Good luck to you. - Dee Dee: Good luck to you.

- Mona: May the best woman win. - Oh, she will.

- Mona: Will she? - Just walk!

[Laughter]

Watch Dee Dee, Spence. She's crafty.

I've been watching her.

Is she wearing that skirt or what?

[Laughter]

Ace, delicious is very excited

to have you as one of our artists.

We want to get you in the studio

as soon as possible.

Can you put a dollar figure

on what that's gonna cost our client?

Why would it cost me anything?

Mona, you didn't explain this part?

Mona will explain this part. Mona?

[Laughter]

Well, it is standard procedure for the record company

to advance some of the costs to you, the artist.

Yeah, that means that you pay.

But we're confident you'll make it up in album sales.

Now I know this isn't really my main-oeuvre,

but artists don't make money off of album sales

unless it's multi-platinum.

Isn't that what you told me, Mona?

Yes, but you usually don't listen to me.

To what do I owe this honor?

[Laughter]

You know, I hear the only way to make money is a tour.

But if you don't get any radio play, there's no ticket sales.

I mean, no ticket sales, no tour.

And no tour, no groupies.

What, that might be important to some people.

Ace: Ok, time out.

I'm hearing a lot about me spending money,

but not a lot about me making any.

But don't forget how much music means to you, ace.

This opportunity means more to you than money.

And you can't put a price on passion.

Well, you can, but you go to jail.

[Laughter]

They're right.

Passion is important,

and maybe that will get you through

if your album disappoints the way

"Shaq-fu: Da return" did.

[Chuckles] That's a bad example.

Other athletes have had music careers.

That's true. I mean, deion Sanders had a cd.

I think I saw it at the car wash.

[Laughter]

And iverson had one.

No, wait, that wasn't released, was it?

No, it never was.

Let us have a couple hours, though.

We'll come up with somebody else.

Well, try coming up with someone

who can actually sing like ace can.

I mean, just imagine yourself on stage, performing,

in front of thousands of screaming fans.

And then I want you to imagine yourself on the mound

pitching a shutout during the world series

in front of millions of screaming fans.

[Imitates fans yelling]

Ok, we could argue pros and cons all day,

but we are here to sign a music deal.

Oh, look, your baseball contract.

How did that get in here?

Just as lucrative as the last time you saw it, buddy.

And don't forget all the family and friends you support, ace.

I mean, eventually the money will run out.

You need to think about your uncle wilbur in that club flip.

I mean, those custom shoes... Very expensive.

[Laughter]

Look, the bottom line is: Delicious believes in you.

Do you believe in you?

Look, you have had an amazing career on the field,

but maybe, just maybe,

baseball was just a path for you to find your heart.

Dee Dee: Or...

Maybe baseball is actually where your heart is.

[Introductory musical note]

Sportscaster: A fastball in there for strike two.

Wow! Another 98 mile an hour fastball.

No wonder they call him ace.

Sportscaster: I gotta tell you, the way he's pitching...

You were right. I'm glad you won.

Oh, Mona, it doesn't matter who won or lost

as long as we remember who won.

[Laughter]

Spoken like a true Dee Dee.

[Chuckles]

He does look good on the mound.

How could I even think of taking that man

out of those pants?

Spoken like a true Mona.

Sportscasteer: Here's the pitch. Got him!

Ace strikes out the side!

[Introductory musical note]

[Thinking] I really got my butt kicked this week,

but while it was happening, I found out that people

actually do listen to what I say.

And apparently, my little sister

is learned a lot from me.

Funny thing is, I didn't even know I was teaching her.

I guess sometimes when you think you've lost,

you've actually won.

Here's to more winning.

[Introductory musical note]

[Introductory theme song]

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