Original subtitles

I smell smoke. Do you smell smoke?

I smell smoke.

[Smoke alarm beeping]

Dee Dee: Fire! Fire! Save yourselves!

Save your Prada!

Phyllis, what about the cats?

Eartha kitty led the others down the fire escape

and left my ass to burn.

What? They're my lucky boots.

You got no man and no baby.

How lucky could they be?

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy inside of me ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. Heh heh heh.

[Siren]

I can't believe I started a grease fire

my first experience broiling.

I told you cheap meat has a lot of fat.

You can't take your eye off the cheap stuff...

[gasps]

Where's commander paws?

I knew I should've grabbed him.

He always freezes in an emergency.

Ma, I'm sure he's ok. You still have me.

Oh, lord, please don't take commander paws.

I'm competing with a cat for my mother's affection.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Neighbor said he belongs to you.

Are you aware he freezes in an emergency?

And apparently, he has a little bladder issue.

Oh, commander paws, baby, it's ok.

You're all right.

And so are you.

Hello, I'm Phyllis.

I've always admired firemen.

I've always wondered,

is it hot wearing a wedding band under those heavy gloves?

I wouldn't know. Not married.

How about that?

Neither is my daughter Mona.

If I were you, I'd run back into the burning building

before she has you fitted for a tux.

Dee Dee: Hi.

Don't you look handsome in that uniform

that hides so much,

yet leaves so much to the imagination.

- I'm... - The one who started the fire.

She can't cook very well.

But we insist on taking you out to dinner

for saving commander paws.

Mona and I. Just me and Mona,

not the firestarter.

I told you to go back into the flames.

No, dinner sounds great.

You can call me at the firehouse. My name's Glen.

- Hi. - Glen stalworth.

It's been my pleasure, ladies.

Actually, it's my job, but also my pleasure.

Without me, would you ever get a date?

I love this new place.

The noodles are amazing.

Better than sex.

Not if you're doing it right.

Well, if she gets lucky with the fireman,

she won't have to worry.

They're trained for disasters.

Tina? Tina, hi!

It's Dee Dee. Remember us?

Unfortunately.

You gonna be here long?

I need to turn over tables.

We're eating, not loitering.

The way you people tip, same thing.

I see you've still got that sparkling personality.

Yeah, how long you been waiting tables here, Tina?

Actually, I own the place.

What? How the hell did that happen?

While you all were paying $9.00 for a hamburger at the lounge,

I was working 2 other jobs, living with 6 roommates,

and eating Mac and cheese,

so don't steal anything.

I'm counting chopsticks.

This place is genius. Fantastic.

I hate her.

That damn overachiever is making us all look bad.

Well, I'm not bitter. I'm a vice president.

I got it going on.

And I'm a sports agent on the rise.

Snaps to me.

Well, thank god

for my underachieving compadre Spencer.

Don't lump me in with your mess.

I was saving this announcement for later,

but I just closed escrow on my own home.

What? How the hell did that happen?

Yeah, you're always broke.

Correction... i only appeared to be broke.

See, I've been saving.

I've been living under my means

and off of Mona's.

It's amazing how you're proud of that.

How come you didn't tell us sooner?

My building just went condo.

I didn't want to say something

then have it fall through

and end up looking like a fool.

You know, a brother's credit can be very complex.

Well, congratulations to Spencer the homeowner.

We are one accomplished group.

Except for me.

The only thing I've accomplished is still being able to fit into

my jordache jeans from high school.

Luckily, it was just a grease fire,

so there wasn't that much to clean up.

Was daddy really mad?

Furious.

But then mother whipped out a blonde wig,

and the rest is a little trick

I'll tell you on your wedding day.

Can't I just have something borrowed

or something blue?

Forget all about the nasty fire.

I don't blame you for any of it.

I blame Phyllis.

It has nothing to do with Phyllis.

It most certainly does.

Isn't she the one that introduced you

to full-fat bacon?

You can't blame Phyllis for bacon.

Why not?

It comes from her kind.

[Knock on door]

Hola, dos Dee dees. Hi.

Hello, bacon bit.

Donating some things to goodwill?

Good choices.

These are my options

for my date with a hot fireman.

Here's another option.

Bloomy's is open till 9:00.

I have an option.

Let me go out with the fireman.

There is just something

about a man in rubber overalls

that gets me worked up

into a frothing, sweaty, pulsating...

Well-raised young woman.

Hey, this one could actually turn into something.

It would be better if my mom weren't coming

and bringing my baby pictures.

Nothing kicks off a relationship

like your mother describing

how you once finger-painted with your poop.

So I said, "it looks like a Picasso to me."

[Both laugh]

Oh, Mona's been creative since she was in diapers.

So, Glen, tell us more about what you do.

Dear god, tell us about anything. Just talk.

Well, it's, uh... It's a pretty cool job.

I still get a rush every time we get a call.

It's like suitin' up and going into battle, you know?

Nothing better than saving someone's life.

I guess I just enjoy helping people.

Me, too. That's why I became a therapist.

Although I don't get a rush when I get a call,

because it means some new nut bucket

has found out where I live.

But who really helps people is Mona.

She's in music, and nothing heals the world like music.

Isn't that right, Mona?

That is so true, ma. So, Glen,

what kind of music are you into?

I'm really into rockin' Sidney, boozoo chavis,

you know, the whole zydeco movement.

So, do you have any interests other than music?

These noodles. This is my fourth time here this week.

But none of those times was on a date.

She doesn't have a boyfriend.

Ok, could you say that a little louder?

I don't think table 6 heard you.

What? There's no shame in not having a boyfriend.

Lots of beautiful women don't have boyfriends.

I don't.

Well, since you're both beautiful,

I'd have to say I'm the envy of every man in this restaurant.

Except maybe those 2 guys over there holding hands.

Glen, tonight has been great,

but you know what I think would be even better?

You young people going out alone, without the mama.

Tomorrow, for lunch.

Maybe we can come back here?

[Loudly] A second date? I would love to!

Hey, table 6 needs to know I'm leaving here

with more than just a doggy bag.

Yecch! Who made this swill?

You did. Who asked you?

You did.

Just get off my back, would you?

You whacked out on mood enhancers again?

I said get off my back, Tom Cruise!

Ok, what is it?

Boy trouble? Hair trouble?

Man thong ridin' up again?

I'll tell you what's wrong, condo owner,

lord of the manor.

I'm sick and tired of everyone around me getting ahead.

Everyone's got something to show for their lives.

Titles, equity, bling.

All I've got is this stupid headset.

You know that's property of delicious, right?

[Telephone ringing]

I wanna be happy. I wanna be rich.

I want someone else to answer that damn phone!

Hello. Delicious?

Look, Adam, don't feel bad.

I'm sure you'll accomplish a lot of things, too.

Like what?

Can't you just take my word for it?

Say it. I'm nothing but a loser.

Just call me the runt of the litter.

Hey, Adam. It's your agent.

You didn't get the hairspray commercial.

They decided to go with the chimp.

[Hissing]

Hey, sis. Hey.

I was wondering if you wanna go to lunch.

Oh, I can't. I've got a date with Glen.

It's the crucial second date,

and I'm still trying to decide if he's worthy.

Worthy? He's a fireman.

Do you have any idea what kind

of physical condition they have to be in

to lift those heavy hoses?

I'm just not so sure we have chemistry.

Who needs chemistry? The man's a fireman.

And if you don't want him,

he can stop, drop, and roll on me.

What's up, Dee Dee? Hey.

Mona, you seen Adam?

He was pretty upset when he left last night.

Why, did the chimp get his own series?

No, but the poor guy thinks he's a bum.

I tried to boost his ego,

but then I realized, he kind of is.

Well, Spencer, maybe you should go check on him.

Woman, are you crazy?

Doesn't he live in boys town, where the boys live?

Lookin' as good as I do,

you think they'll let me out alive?

They're attracted to men, not morons.

Oh, Mona. It's not my mind they'd be after.

Just go and see what's up.

Oh, and you might wanna wear a jacket,

'cause I can see your nipples through that shirt.

I can't help it. It's cold in here.

So, what do you think you're gonna have?

Oh, I always get the jumbo bowl.

Every damn day.

So, Glen, I'm really glad we got together today,

'cause you're a great guy,

and I've been wondering if we have any,

you know, chemistry.

That's funny. I... I've, uh...

I've been wondering the same thing,

and I think I have the answer. We don't.

Oh. Well, guess all the wondering's over.

Look, Mona, you're a great girl. I just...

It feels better to be straight with you.

Well, I appreciate that

and if there's ever another fire in my building,

I hope you'll still put it out.

Of course. Of course.

And I hope we can still be friends,

'cause I could... i could really use your help.

Oh, what do you need? Cds, concert tickets?

Your mother's phone number.

That's why I wanted to talk to you alone.

I, uh...

I'd like to ask her out.

What?

He wants to date your mother.

I'm... I'm sorry if I caught you off guard.

Please, I'm fine with this.

Why wouldn't I be fine with this?

He wants to date your mother.

Would you please stop saying that and get me some sake?

There's not enough in the city.

He wants to date your mother.

Look, Mona, I'm not oblivious to the age difference,

but from the beginning I was attracted to your mother,

and the other night at dinner we really connected,

and I just...

I haven't stopped thinking about her since the night we met.

My mother?

Phyllis Thorne, old enough to be my mother?

Are you sure you have the right person? Yeah.

Phyllis Thorne. Educated, beautiful, funny...

Delightful.

I'm not convinced,

but let's assume we're talking about the same person.

Mona, some men have enough depth and intelligence

to appreciate a woman for who she is, regardless of age.

I happen to be one of those men.

So, would you, uh...

Put in a good word for me?

Are you sure you wouldn't rather date my sister?

Because that's a pain I'm familiar with.

Singing along with record: ♪ oh ♪

♪ I'm not meant to live alone ♪

♪ turn this house into a home ♪

♪ I climb the stairs ♪

♪ and turn the key ♪

♪ oh, please be there... ♪

[Knock on door]

Go away! I'm singing Luther!

♪ Yeah ♪

[Knock]

[Turns off stereo]

♪ How are you gonna be? Say you're gonna be ♪

♪ are you gonna be? ♪

Spencer? I'd never thought I'd see you here.

My living room-slash-kitchen- slash-boudoir.

May I offer you an afternoon elyseée?

No, thanks.

But this place is nice,

and so is the neighborhood.

The streets are all clean.

Nice, quaint little coffee shops everywhere.

But I'm kinda surprised nobody tried to hit on a sexy brother.

Please. At work, you're the cream of the crop,

but in this neighborhood, you're barely a 3.

What are you doing here anyway?

I wanted to make sure you were ok.

Plus, I got tired of answering the phones,

and we can't find the key to the men's room.

See how important you are?

Delicious needs you, man.

That's the best you can do?

You can't pee if I don't show up.

Get in bed and wake me when I have a purpose in life.

Which, ironically, would give me one.

Adam, what you're going through,

I've been there.

I know exactly how it feels.

Right. You know how it feels to have wasted your twenties

on shallow, meaningless pursuits?

To be the oldest member

of the gay and lesbian receptionist defamation league?

To be so broke,

you have to put your bed in the wall when you give a party,

which leaves nowhere to throw the coats.

Ok, I don't know exactly how you feel.

Last night, I took a long,

hard look at myself with my $500 mirror,

and I didn't like what I saw.

Except my butt looked good.

Listen, if you want to become the person you'd like to be,

it's time to set some goals.

You need to start small, be specific,

and be willing to make sacrifices.

How much smaller can I start?

I live in a studio apartment.

I drive a Vespa.

And I only have one place setting.

Although, I could rustle up another fork

if you want to split an Asian pear.

If you want your life to change,

youhave to be the one to change it.

Maybe you're right, Spence.

Cool. Now let's get you back to work.

I would...

But I can see your nipples through your shirt,

and I don't think I can concentrate

for the rest of the day.

[Door opens]

Hey.

So? How did lunch with Glen go?

Not quite the way I expected.

I knew you were gonna blow it!

Did I say you were gonna blow it?!

Well, I didn't say it to you,

but I said it to myself and that girl at Starbucks.

So how did you blow it?

Well, actually, after Glen and I agreed

that we had no chemistry whatsoever...

And the coffee girl's gonna love this one...

Glen asked for your phone number.

He's not looking for a therapist, is he?

Why do all the fine men gotta have something wrong with 'em?

Ma, he's interested in you.

What?!

Glen wants to date you.

And I know. I know. It's ridiculous.

But he said he can't stop thinking of you.

You're beautiful, funny...

[Mocking] Delightful.

Are you sure he was talking about me?

That's what isaid.

Wow.

[Chuckles] Kinda crazy, huh?

But he's cute.

It's too bad he's not older.

Yeah, right. Too bad.

'Cause obviously, he's much too young for me.

Much, much too young.

Do you think he's too young?

Ma, you got underwear older than him.

Definitely too young.

But it was a nice thought.

Mona, you're my sister, and I love you,

but you're a real mother-blocker.

A what?

A mother-blocker.

It's exactly how it sounds.

One who blocks one's mother

from her destiny and ultimate happiness.

I did no such thing. Glen is too young.

Here, dear.

What do I need a shot for?

For losing a man to your mother.

The quicker you drink it, the faster it works.

I did not lose him to my mother.

She's not gonna be dating him.

'Cause you talked her out if it...

Mother-blocker.

I swear. She rejected the idea on her own

after I told her how ridiculous it was.

Wait. That did not come out right.

The truth just flows sometimes, Mona,

and I don't see what's wrong with it.

Lots of older women date younger men.

I give you Susan sarandon, Melanie Griffith,

Demi Moore, Terry mcmillan...

Ok, her I take back.

It can work.

Of course Phyllis will have to be open

to lots of plastic surgery.

Nipping, tucking, lifting, sucking, stapling...

Ok! All right! All right!

I may have blocked a bit.

The truth is I don't want my mother

dipping in my dating pool.

There's something not right about that.

Mona, you have to decide what's more important.

Your insecurity or your mother's happiness.

Your mom would dive under a train to get a man for you.

Isn't that a pleasant thought?

Morning, Spencer, Dave.

Wait. You're hella early.

Yeah, and you actually look happy to be here.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

I came up with a long-term goal.

I'm gonna buy my dream house. Check it out.

Hmm. Nice. Real nice.

Is that a tiny Brad Pitt in the kitchen?

Yep. He's cooking my dinner... Naked.

You said be specific.

I'm just glad you took my advice.

How come you don't give me advice?

I have lots of problems.

You're a white man in america.

What problems could you have?

Thanks. I feel better.

Well, Spencer, because of you,

I met with a financial advisor this morning,

and it's gonna change my life.

He helped me open a money-market account

and showed me some ways to put aside more for my dream.

I'm proud of you, man.

But the best part is he's rich,

and we had great eye contact.

What? If I'm gonna be on a budget,

I need someone to keep myself pretty for.

My man's gonna die a receptionist.

Ok, so now you're saying I should go out with Glen?

I'm just saying maybe it's not so ridiculous.

Apparently, other old... er women do this,

so why shouldn't you?

I mean, you look good.

True. From behind, I look 25

since ass came back in style.

And Glen is "h" to the "o" to the "t".

Well, ma, of you want a second date, don't say that.

It's not as hip as you think it sounds.

All right. Thank you, baby.

Now, I've got to go and get some undergarments

that lift, separate, and accentuate.

I mean, black don't crack, but it does sag.

Mona: "It felt good to encourage my mom

"to do something that made her so happy.

"But it's a little twisted

"that she's out with a hot guy

"while I'm home with a hot pocket.

"Is there someone for everyone but me?

Maybe I'll just hope

for my mother getting a second shot at love."

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0