Original subtitles

[Joyful song]

Do you think you got enough sticky tabs?

[Laughter]

You see, this way,

I can cross-reference all the stats that I need.

All sports agents use tricks like this

so they can stay ahead of the competition.

See, yellow is for tennis.

Ooh, you could be Mrs. Andy roddick.

[Laughter]

Green is for golf.

Big Dee Dee: Mrs. Tiger Woods!

He must be bored

with that statuesque blond by now.

[Laughter]

And orange is for baseball.

Mrs. Derek jeter. Ugh.

[Laughter]

Has a nice ring to it.

Dee Dee jeter. Dee Dee jeter. Dee Dee jeter.

[Laughter]

Oh, I like that. Maybe I could meet him.

Mona jeter. Mona jeter. Mona jeter.

[Laughter]

Doesn't have quite the same ring, does it?

[Introductory theme song]

♪ through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you finding you I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy inside of me ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Ironic laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

[Mona thinking] I'm convinced there's a man out there

to share my life with.

If I just had the confidence to let someone get to know me,

the real me, the one that, so far, only I know,

- the woman who... - Spencer: Hey, Mona. Seen Adam?

- He had a lunch date. - It's three o'clock.

Well, he did come in early.

He showed up at 11:45.

[Laughter]

Which, for Adam, is early.

He left for lunch at noon.

[Laughter]

- He said he had a special date. - He says that about every date.

Man, Adam's got a better social life than

the two of us put together.

Hello, dateless wonder twins.

[Laughter]

Can you cover the phones?

I'm so tired I'm gonna take a nap in the grab room.

[Laughter]

Man, how are you pulling all these dates?

Step into the millennium, people.

I'm listed on 20 Internet dating sites.

Male call, boy toy,

and I'm really hot in the gay Jewish singles site,

man-on-manischewitz.

[Laughter]

They think I'm taboo.

But how are you getting so many hits?

I wrote an incredible profile.

[Gasps] You two should try it.

Surely with some creative verbiage,

you could dupe somebody into a first date.

[Cheerful humming]

Now for my nap. No calls, please.

[Laughter]

Dating online?

[Scoffs] Seems a little desperate.

- Yeah. Let's do it! - I'm down.

But I'm doing it as a public service.

Shouldn't hold back

all this chocolate love from the ladies!

[Laughter]

Please don't ruin chocolate for me.

[Introductory musical note]

I know you've all heard the rumors

that one of our superstars,

Merlin DeMarco, has been sleeping

with the wives of some of his teammates,

and I just wanted to clear things up.

- So, it's not true? - Oh, it's absolutely true.

[Laughter]

I just wanted to clear things up.

Gonna need damage control.

I've secured a sex therapist for Merlin,

a marriage counselor for his teammates

and a restraining order

for anybody who wants to take it any further.

On top of things as usual, Brett.

So, Dee Dee, any ideas, questions?

Ideas?

[Laughter]

Well, Gus, fellow agents,

I've been watching the trends,

and I've come up with something hot.

Extreme sports.

[Laughter]

Should I tell her somebody already came up with that?

I was just setting the tableau.

Now, everybody knows Tony hawk,

but nobody knows the kids who wanna be Tony hawk.

Now, I've compiled an extensive list

of 11 to 14-years-olds who are making noise

in skateboarding, kitesurfing, heliskiing, snowboarding...

Brett: Right, right, right.

Our commission from that would certainly cover

the morning bagels.

Hey, maybe we could even get

some of that flavored cream cheese.

[Laughter]

Sure, there's not a lot of money in these sports,

but there is a ton

in video game development, product endorsement.

I think gmg should aggressively go after

the next generation of extreme sports stars.

- Get them while they're young. - Yeah.

- Like the cigarette companies. - Yeah. No!

I meant before they hit it big,

but I'm glad you're paying attention.

Could be interesting. Didn't we try that once?

Yes, we did, with that surfer Kelly Stokes.

All of our resources went into wooing his parents.

Ah, the drunk and the whore.

[Laughter]

Exactly, and we still didn't get the kid.

It was a total waste of time.

But, uh, how could you have known

you were pitching a waste of time?

You know, being new and all.

[Laughter]

Let's table this idea so I can think about it

and make my tee time with mickelson.

First one there gets to drive the cart.

[Laughter]

What was that?

Oh. Uhm, we just had a staff meeting

where you pitched an idea

that didn't really go over too well.

[Laughter]

In fact, you might want to go back in there

and kill the crickets that are still chirping.

[Laughter]

I've never seen anyone act

like that in a professional environment.

Isn't this your very first job?

[Laughter]

Look, I can understand

if you're feeling a little unsure of yourself.

Being the only female in an all-male environment.

Not that that's the only reason why you're here,

but I'm sure it's something

that you probably wondered about.

- Actually, I haven't. - Then forget I spoke.

- Did you say something? - I'm just trying to give you

the benefit of my knowledge, Dee Dee.

Don't be so generous next time, Brett.

[Laughs] Fine, if you're not interested in learning.

[High-pitched voice] Cricket. Cricket.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

[Knock, door opens]

Ok. Finished with my profile.

Me, too. I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.

If I had a nickel for every time

- a woman said that to me... - You'd have a nickel.

[Laughter]

Now gimme.

Boy, this is just a list of lies.

The celebrity you most resemble: The rock?

[Laughter]

You drive a Porsche? You speak Portuguese?

[Laughter]

You have to get 'em on the hook, Mona.

Well, what are you gonna do

if you meet a girl from Portugal?

I'll just tell I'm from the south side of Lisbon.

[Laughter]

And when you walk in not looking like the rock,

she's gonna know you no hablaportuguese.

So I embellished. But your profile is Booty.

And not the good kind.

I mean, nowhere do you mention you've got big ones.

[Laughter]

Hey, baby. Hey, Spencer.

- Hey. - Ma.

Read this dating profile and tell me what you think.

Mmm. Looks like the rock and loves to cuddle.

You don't hook up with him, I might.

[Laughter]

Ma, meet your dream man.

[Laughter]

Spencer,

somebody put a stop payment on your reality check.

[Laughter]

You know, I could've written

a better profile for you than you did.

Hmm. I was thinking the same thing about yours.

Ok. You're on.

But I still can't believe

you don't think this'll get me a date.

Well, it might till you pick her up

in your rusted-out Malibu.

[Laughter]

And you have to drive around the block in reverse.

[Laughs] And she has to keep the door closed

with the seat belt.

It's a cutlass.

[Laughter]

And you're never riding in it again.

Aww. I'm gonna miss that lawn chair

you call a front seat.

[Laughter]

Gotta get my look right.

I want people at work to take me seriously.

You know, coco's been having the same problem

getting picked on in doggy day care.

[Laughter]

That's why I bought her an all-new wardrobe.

Yeah, I bet that solved it.

[Laughter]

The proper wardrobe can salvage any situation.

In fact, it was a sporty bolero and Ruby stilettos

that got me across the Mexican border

before Botox was legal.

[Laughter]

[Louder laughter]

Mom, have you been drinking?

Well, of course.

[Laughter]

Do you think I would dress

my dog like this if I was sober?

[Laughter]

Brett just had to remind me

that I'm the only woman at the firm,

so I don't wanna dress too provocatively.

Ahh, too short, too short, too short.

Ah, here it is.

I was saving this for my first murder trial,

but I think I may need it for my first office beat-down.

[Laughter]

Dee Dee, why are you letting this Brett guy get to you?

I don't know. He's got Gus' ear,

and he points out the flaws in everything I do.

Oh, like when you and I

were first starting to know each other

and you pointed out all my flaws.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to hug you or slug you.

[Laughter]

But the important thing is that over time,

it worked out, so just relax.

You wanted to hit me?

[Laughter]

I said I wasn't sure.

[Laughter]

I'm still thinkin' about it.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

Gus, Brett.

[Laughter]

I've got news.

My manicurist told me that her boyfriend's sister

was on the treadmill next to a trainer

on a cell phone talking to kadeem Jennings.

Kadeem just left his agent.

That's... that's very good detective work, Dee Dee.

But if you'd been watching sportscenter

like I was at 3:00 am,

you would've found this out a lot sooner.

[Laughter]

Well, anybody can watch TV.

[Laughter]

Actually, Dee Dee, Brett and I were just discussing kadeem.

I'd like to land him before

my backstabbing ex-partner does.

Well, I'd love to go after kadeem for you, sir.

Your eagerness is so appreciated, Dee Dee,

but I already started working on it

at 3:05 this morning.

[Laughter]

- You know what I'm thinking? - I know what he's thinking.

I'm thinking of pairing you two up.

Are you sure that's what you're thinking?

[Laughter]

'Cause I'm thinking you wouldn't be thinking that

if you were really thinking about it.

Brett's right.

We wouldn't make a very good team.

Dee Dee, you're a really creative raw talent,

and I want you to learn from the best,

so let's get this done.

Unless either one of you would care

to question my judgment again.

Anybody?

Didn't think so.

[Laughter]

[Scoffs] I knew we were in trouble

when you walked in here in that skirt

- that covered your knees. - [Laughter]

Well, brace yourself,

because tomorrow I'm wearing pants.

[Laughter]

[Mimicking Dee Dee] Pants. Tomorrow.

[Laughter]

My pants on.

[Introductory musical note]

So how do I look on paper?

I'd do ya.

[Laughter]

A high compliment indeed.

And other than spelling, grammar and punctuation,

I think Spencer captured you quite nicely.

Although I don't really think you needed to put

temperamental in caps.

[Laughter]

Temperamental? Give me that damn thing!

[Laughter]

Keep the caps. Add an exclaim.

[Laughter]

Spencer, I'm counting on you to help me find someone.

Me, too. And you've barely written a thing.

What happened to the stuff I gave you,

like "thick Teddy bear"

and the fact I just finished reading Moby dick?

[Laughter]

Come on. Test me.

Ask me what kind of fish he is.

I am not putting anything about Moby dickin your profile.

Yeah. That kind of bragging only

gets you dates on my websites.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

Name the top 3 all-time leading rushers in the NFL.

Emmett Smith, Walter Payton, Barry Sanders. In that order.

- Next. - Give me some basics on Brady.

Starting quarterback for new england,

holds the super bowl record for pass completions,

and in 2002,

one of people magazine's most beautiful people.

Which I personally agree with. Next.

Ok, who sang the national anthem

- at super bowl xxv? - Mariah Carey.

[Buzzer]

[Laughter]

Wrong. Whitney Houston.

You're enjoying that buzzer a little too much.

[Buzzer]

[Laughter]

Wrong. I'm enjoying it a lot.

[Laughter]

Dee Dee, I think I'm done for the night.

No! I need to be far more prepared than Brett

for our meeting with kadeem Jennings,

who by the way, set the NFL single-season record

with 2,691 all-purpose yards

896 receiving, 661 punt return,

1,133 kickoffs, and one rushing yard.

[Laughter]

- You seem a little tense. - Don't tell me I'm tense!

[Laughter]

Stress is the glue that holds me together. Next.

[Buzzer]

How can I be wrong? Nobody asked me a question.

I just think your whole attitude

is wrong right now.

[Introductory musical note]

I'm telling you, kadeem mentions

the small town where he grew up

every time he does an interview,

so we propose the kadeem Jennings foundation.

- Not new. - Not finished.

It'd fund sports programs and scholarships

for the children of Springfield,

and, before you interrupt me again,

we'd negotiate the money on top of kadeem's contract.

He'll see how innovative we are and sign with us.

It's not a bad idea,

but I'm gonna go a different way,

- and you're gonna be impressed. - You mean like I am now?

[Laughter]

- [Chuckles] - Look, Brett, I know

that you've been doing this longer than I ha...

[stammers] Doing this?

[Laughter]

I don't really think you understand who I am, Dee Dee.

When I was a kid, I brokered deals

in peewee football,

wee-tees basketball, and any other sport

that wouldn't let a kid like me play.

I graduated from high school, and I started out

in the mail room of Gus' first firm.

When his former partner left and stole most of his clients,

I was one of only two agents who stood by his side.

I have brokered $269.9 million worth of deals,

a feat no one else the age of 30 has ever accomplished.

So you see, I just don't "do this."

I live this. I breathe this.

I am this.

[Laughter]

[Laughter]

The next time you practice that speech in the mirror,

-and don't deny that you have, -[Scoffs]

You might want to add

some hand gestures for emphasis.

It'll keep people awake that way.

[Laughter]

- The freshman has fire. - Dee Dee: Yes, she does,

and I'm here to be a part of this business.

If I wanted to be treated like an assistant,

I'd take a job as your secretary.

I could use a new one.

I take my coffee strong and black.

Well, you're gonna take your partner that way, too.

[Audience cheers]

How's my new team doing?

- Great. Workin' it out. - Cool.

Don't lie to me.

[Laughter]

Just get kadeem.

[Brett sighs]

Look, Brett, I'm sure that someone helped you

when you first got started, and I need that from you.

And I need you to trust me

to make this kadeem deal happen.

- Fine. - Ok.

Can I at least suggest monsoon as the place

- for the three of us to meet? - You can suggest that,

but kadeem and I are going to the candy shop.

The candy shop? That's a strip club.

[Chuckling] Yeah. Yeah.

[Laughter]

Actually, technically, it's a gentlemen's club,

and where kadeem wanted to meet,

so that's where we'll be meeting, us gentlemen.

I'll tell you what, though.

I'll give kadeem a stack of ones,

and I'll tell him they're from you.

[Laughter]

So, do you like what I wrote about you?

Hmm. Well, it is accurate.

I was just hoping for a description like,

"big hands, big feet,

four big reasons you want to meet."

[Laughter]

Some things should be left unsaid,

like the things you tend to say.

[Laughter]

What kind of woman is gonna respond to:

"Passionate man seeks drama-free,

intellectually stimulating woman

for simple good times"?

I don't need my intellect stimulated.

I've got big feet.

[Laughter]

Ok, come on, Spencer.

You said you wanted to change your image,

I'm just trying to help you.

You are gonna find the good, honest woman you deserve,

based on the English-speaking

bucket-driving, sweet-ass man that you are.

[Laughter]

Good, honest woman, huh?

I guess honest wouldn't be bad.

As long as she has a pinch of freak.

[Laughter]

So, what do you think about yours?

Oh, it's really nice.

"Fiercely loyal, exceptionally creative, and..."

Do you really think I have great legs?

[Scoffs] Oh, yeah. Wearing those frankenboots

has done wonders for your calves.

[Laughter]

After reading this, even I'd want to meet me.

You know, sometimes I forget how close we are.

You really do know me.

I can't wait to post this.

[Soft song]

[Mona thinking] So, I didn't exactly have the courage

to post my profile yet.

I'm just not strong enough for mass rejection.

But Spencer did such a nice job,

maybe I'll frame it

and read it till I start believing it myself.

[Animated song]

Kadeem, you're the most important athlete

in the NFL today.

And I promise you, man,

I am gonna fight for you, all right?

I will be a gladiator for you.

My cell phone, which is always on,

is off right now. You know why? 'Cause it's all about you.

[Cellphone rings]

[Cellphone beeps]

Now it's all about you.

[Laughter]

Oh, that's nice.

[Laughter]

Brett: Dee Dee.

Brett. Sorry I'm late,

but I was picking up some quality Cubans

from Michael Jordan's supplier to give to our newest client.

Ahh. Sweet. It's monte cristo number 5.

[Chuckles]

I didn't expect to see you here.

We, women, can just be so unpredictable.

[Laughter]

Now, kadeem,

you know that these cigars are not the only way

we're gonna take care of you at gmg,

we'll also help you with wealth management,

cultivate new global branding opportunities

and get you the salary

that your spectacular performance

in the league demands.

I like the way that sounds. Where you been hiding her?

She's new. [Chuckles]

She... was a secret.

[Laughter]

Weapon.

Dee Dee Thorne, Brett's partner.

His better half, if you will.

And we've got big plans for you.

Your own clothing line, action figures,

energy drinks and, long term, you in tailored Armani

anchoring the broadcasting booth at a major network.

I do like Armani.

[Laughter]

But not as much at that thing Brett pitched

about how to set up my foundation.

That was fresh.

You pitched my idea?

Well, that's why you gave it to me, right?

I mean, to... [chuckles] Get the client.

And that would have done it, too.

If I still needed representation.

[Both] What?

Well, see, I made peace

with my old agent this afternoon.

My family reunion's coming up, and he ismy uncle.

[Laughter]

But we put all this work into this.

I studied the whole history of the NFL.

I really am impressed with the two of you.

And if I leave uncle Eddie again,

hey, you'll be my first call.

[Laughter]

I'm supposed to meet my uncle at my aunt's soon.

Oh, he's gonna love these Cubans.

[Laughter]

[Brett sighs]

Well, that was a fool's journey.

Don't call yourself a fool, Brett.

[Laughter]

Even though you lost kadeem Jennings.

Uh, I think you mean we lost kadeem Jennings.

I just got here, remember?

[Laughter]

But you did get close because of my idea.

Yeah. Right.

Fine.

The cigars were a nice touch, too.

All right, maybe you're not gonna

- completely suck at this. - [Laughter]

And maybe, you know,

I won't stick my finger in a socket

if, you know, Gus decides to pair us up together again.

Well, thanks for the ringing endorsement.

[Laughter]

Yeah. You're welcome.

[Laughter]

Hi.

You know, Dee Dee, this sports agenting business

is gonna be a lot harder on you than I am.

I think I can handle it.

Which is why I'm gonna let you call Gus

and tell him that you let kadeem get away.

Dancer: Would you like a lap dance?

No. No, no. I'm fine.

[Laughs] You know what, though? She would.

I'd what?

[Laughter]

Ooh, I like that sweater.

Thank you.

I picked it up yesterday at neiman's.

Think they have it in my size?

[Laughter]

I'm sure.

And you know, they have this necklace there

that'd look great with those earrings.

Ok, you guys have completely ruined this for me.

[Laughter]

[Introductory theme song]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0