Original subtitles

You know, living on my shoe-store salary

has helped my negotiation skills.

For example,

I paid a regular towel price for these

because I convinced the cashier the labels were upside down,

which would be an irregularity.

[Laughter]

Sounds like you took advantage of a stupid person.

[Laughter]

Don't hate 'coz I'm so good.

Mona: Wow, I hope someday I find somebody

who loves me as much as you love you.

[Laughter]

- Oh, Mona, I hope you do, too. - [Laughter]

Phyllis: Mona, I have an early birthday gift for you,

because I love you so much.

Is it a new deadbolt for my door

with only one copy of the key?

[Laughter]

No mother in her right mind would give a gift like that.

Exactly, so is that what it is?

[Laughter]

Aw, baby Gucci.

So cute. I miss nice things.

[Laughter]

They're my grandbaby's first pair of shoes.

- You know something I don't? - [Laughter]

I just figured when you saw how adorable they were,

it would give you incentive to get a loaf in that oven.

[Laughter]

For that, I'd need someone to mix the dough.

[Laughter]

Face it, if you're not pregnant within the next 5 to 7 years,

I'm gonna be cartin' my grandbaby around

- in my rascal basket. - [Laughter]

Dee Dee, are you gonna help me out here?

Aw, have a girl.

We can name her Rose. I also love Emma.

- Aw! - Aw!

[Laughter]

This is ridiculous. I'm not having a baby

anytime soon.

Why does it always have to be about you?

Your life, your body, your decision.

Talk about selfish.

[Laughter]

[Introductory theme song]

♪ through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy inside of me ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

[Ironic laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

- [TV game noises] - Hey, Dee Dee.

Damn showboatin' ball hog!

[Laughter]

I prefer Mona.

[Laughter]

Hey, isn't that your friend Corey?

He's in town playing a preseason game

against golden state.

He invited me to go, but you know how I get.

Aw, you overpaid bum!

[Laughter]

Corey's the only one not throwing up bricks.

- [Whistle blows] - [Buzzer sounds]

Ok, it's a timeout. You got 6 beer ads

and one male enhancement commercial

- to tell me what you want. - [Laughter]

Since our birthdays are coming up

and my life is going great, for once,

I thought we should have a party together.

A little celebration that doesn't end up

with kicking my crotch,

an earthquake, or a double date from hell.

[Laughter]

The truth is, Mona,

I'm not really in a party mood this year.

I'm tired of everyone asking me

what I'm doing with my life.

[Telephone ringing]

I mean, I can always brag about my thighs.

[Laughter]

My firm, thin thighs.

But even that will only get me through the first hour.

[Laughter]

Aren't you gonna answer the phone, lord of the thighs?

[Laughter]

No. It's just the daily call from my mother

checking to see if I have a real job yet.

- [Machine beeps] - Big Dee Dee: Little Dee,

for someone who's not working as lawyer,

you're not home very much.

Call mother, let her know when it's safe to boast

- about you again. - [Laughter]

Wow, throw in a tray of lasagna

and a coat full of cat hair, and you'd have my mom.

[Laughter]

Besides, don't you have an interview tomorrow?

Yeah, another job interview.

"You have

an impressive roøumû miss Thorne.

Ooh, top of your class!

No openings right now, but we'll keep you in mind.

Yes, you can take your water with you, and, no,

- we don't validate." - [Laughter]

Ok, if anyone ever needed to go to party, it's you,

so I'm throwing one Saturday night, 8 o'clock.

I wouldn't dare miss it.

Great, but just remember, it's my party,

so put your thin thighs in some baggy pants.

[Laughter]

You do have an impressive roøumû

- miss Thorne. - Top of my class.

[Laughter]

Our young firm prides itself

on spotting future power players

in the legal field.

Well, thanks for the water.

Keep me in mind in case something comes up.

[Laughter]

Here's what we're prepared to offer you.

Thanks. I'll see myself out.

[Laughter]

[Confused] I'm sorry. Miss Thorne...

It's ok.

It's rare to find a firm that does validate these days.

That's why I parked at the jiffy lube

- two blocks down. - [Laughter]

You know, for a lawyer,

you're not a very good listener.

I'm trying to offer you a position.

Here? At this firm? Ya sure?

[Laughter]

Well, my name is on the building.

[Laughter]

Wow, all this plus dental?

[Laughter]

- Is teeth whitening negotiable? - [Laughter]

[Animated musical note]

Hmm, Mona, are you sure about the stuff

going into these goody bags for your party?

This ain't a gift. It's a gag.

[Laughter]

- [Yells] Adam! - [Laughter]

Here I am.

Now, what are your other 2 wishes?

[Laughter]

- Does that line ever work? - All the time.

But usually I make it from the waist down

- when I sing it. - [Laughter]

Oh, god, now I got a visual.

Gotta go wash out my eyes.

[Laughter]

What are your pictures doing in my bags?

It's a gift for my fans.

You don't have any fans.

Every fan base starts somewhere, Mona.

[Laughter]

Every parade starts with one Baton.

[Laughter]

Start unpacking this crap.

Well, while I'm unpacking said crap,

might I suggest a little something for your party?

Shirtless waiters.

[Laughter]

They can carry you in and carry me out.

[Laughter]

Let me think about that: No!

[Laughter]

- Hey, Adam. - Careful.

Somebody's party panties are in a twist.

[Laughter]

So, how'd your interview go?

They offered me the job. Great salary and perks.

Congratulations! When do you start?

I don't. It was everything I thought I wanted,

but I turned it down. The hairs said no.

What? And who are the hairs?

[Laughter]

My whole life, whenever something is right,

I get this tingle on my forearm

that makes these fine little hairs stand straight up,

like, when I decided to move into the building

to get to know you, tingle.

When I got accepted to law school, tingle.

When I wore pink as the new black... tingle.

[Laughter]

I don't make any major decisions without it.

My hairs have never led me astray.

You based a major career choice

on rigid arm hair?

[Laughter]

Mona, don't you see?

I wasn't supposed to take that job.

As strapped as I am for cash,

I wanna do something I can put my heart into.

I'll know it when it happens, and so will the hair.

That's why I never wax this patch.

[Laughter]

Are we in an alternate universe?

I have a job, you don't.

I wanted a party, you didn't.

I am having a great hair day, you, hmm, not so much.

[Laughter]

Oh, my god, I'm about to lose 10 pounds.

- [Laughter] - [Animated song]

Adam, when I told you shirtless guys in bowties

was a bad idea, I was so wrong.

When it comes to men and disrobing, never doubt me.

[Mona laughs]

Ma, you want a shot?

You trying to get your mother drunk

so she can be taken advantage of

by all these tender, buff boys?

[Laughter]

Yes or no, woman?

Gimme that liquor.

[Laughter]

Happy birthday, Mona. Yo, your party is slammin'!

Listen, you know you're my girl,

but they're some honeys in here with Corey maggette

who got the potential to be my... girl.

[Whispers] Later.

- [Laughter] - [Song continues]

Corey, I'm glad you made it.

You wanna say something to the birthday girl?

Fo' sure. Just let me get off the phone with my agent.

Ok!

[Laughter]

So, baby Dee, you haven't returned my calls.

Any news on the job front? What's going on?

What's going on is your amazing figure.

Even on camera, you look thinner.

[Laughter]

What kind of camera is that? I want several.

[Laughter]

So, Corey, I'm Spencer Williams,

Mona and Dee Dee's friend.

They may have told you about me.

- Never heard of you, man. - [Laughter]

Well, uh, I'm a big fan, man.

Hope you don't mind

me hanging out with your entourage.

I just met these people.

[Laughter]

Oh. I guess you don't mind me hollerin' at her.

That one I like, but you can have

- that shorty over there. - That's big, man.

[Laughter]

- Big. - [Laughter]

You know, Corey and I go way back.

Hey, you off the phone?

Yeah. My agent's negotiating my first endorsement deal.

It's all new to me.

Make sure you get "kill" approval on your photos.

Mother says that is a must.

We didn't talk about that.

Oh, how about commercial script approval?

My agent didn't mention that, either.

Did you talk about getting stock options

in the company you endorse?

I gotta get my agent back on the phone.

[Laughter]

How about you open just my gift?

- It'll be our little secret. - All righty.

Everyone, Mona's opening my present.

Come see the fabulous jewels.

[Laughter]

You got me jewels?

No, but I got everyone's attention.

Excuse you. If Mona's opening any presents,

I think the first should be from the giver of life.

Fine, then she'll save the best for last.

Then I wanna be last.

You can't be last if you're first.

Can I just open something? [Excited] Ok.

[Disappointed] Oh.

Ok.

You got her pantyhose?

[Laughter]

No. I got that for her last year.

[Laughter]

It's a fertility savings account

with the San Francisco egg bank?

[Laughter]

It's so you can freeze your eggs

while they're still young and healthy.

I was gonna get it for you for your 30th birthday,

but I figure, why wait?

They were havin' a special: Freeze one, get one free.

[Laughter]

This way, you can harvest your eggs now,

and then thaw 'em out and have a baby

when you're ready to get your mommy on.

[Laughter]

Unbelievable. Don't be surprised

when you don't get a thank-you note

from my ovaries.

[Laughter]

I am so glad she opened yours first.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I don't appreciate you walking out on me

when I gave you such a great gift.

Oh, you think freezing my eggs in liquid nitrogen

is a great gift?

[Laughter]

Mona, your search for Mr. Right

hasn't even turned up Mr. Remote possibility.

- [Laughter] - With your eggs on ice,

I don't have to keep bugging you

about grandbabies.

I'm taking the pressure off.

Well, how about I take the pressure off?

I'm never having children.

See, you just sayin' that to tick me off.

No. That's just a perk.

[Laughter]

I thought the birthday party was lovely,

with the exception of Phyllis' little display

and your sister's obvious budget limitations.

I mean, paper napkins, really!

[Laughter]

Some of us don't have unlimited funds.

Taste is tastier.

And speaking of tasty, I saw your tall friend

Corey at the party. He's quite successful.

I never understood

why things didn't work out for the two of you.

Could things work out for the two of you?

- [Laughter] - [Knock on door]

Mom, he's hardly ever in town

and I don't even think he knows where I live.

- Corey. - [Laughter]

Looks like someone has learned his way around.

Hello again, Corey. Those are lovely diamonds.

We should get together and compare carets sometime.

[Laughter]

- Yeah. Let's do that, Mrs. T. - Mm-hmm.

[Laughter]

Dee, remember that stuff you said was missing

- from my deal? - Mm-hmm.

I let my agent know and he worked it all out.

Oh, well, I'm glad that I could help.

Cool. 'Cause I was wondering

if you could look over my contract

and see what else a brother should be getting.

I'm unclear about all this merchandising stuff

and I want to make sure I get extra

if I tattoo a logo on my neck. Iverson said that mess hurts.

[Laughter]

[Buzzer]

Hey, Mona. Something I can help you with?

- Quickly? - [Laughter]

Well, I was hoping to talk to you about my mom,

but I guess you're busy.

I'm entertaining one of Corey's cast-offs.

She's a ball girl, if you know what I mean.

[Laughter]

T.m.i.!

Sorry. But I wouldn't be

much good for conversation tonight.

All the blood has flowed from my head

to somewhere else.

[Laughter]

What part of "t.M.I." Didn't you understand?

And I don't want to hear any details

at the office tomorrow, either.

Hey, hey. Keep your voice down.

She thinks I play for the raiders.

Oh! Thanks for stopping by, coach.

I'd be honored to be the new captain of the team.

[Corey laughs]

Do you have any idea what shame is?

- I know what a damn shame is. - [Laughter]

That girl alone on my couch.

You ready to play quarterback and raiderette again, baby?

[Laughter]

Well, I've got two brain surgeries

to perform tonight.

- Yep. - [Laughter]

I'll be using the ditryptol tong syringe I invented.

[Laughter]

It's being patented as we speak.

What the hell are you doing here?

Hold on. They're paging me from the E.R.

[Imitates P.A. static] Dr. Benet, stat.

[Laughter]

May I help you?

Who are you talking to on my phone

in my office this late at night?

- My grandma. - [Laughter]

It's only noon in Manila.

You called the Philippines?

Well, duh! It's not like I have free long distance at my house.

It's not free here, either.

Wait, wait, wait. Is this the same grandma

who thinks you're married with children?

One of whom is a redhead.

[Laughter]

And now you've got her believing you're a doctor?

Hello! I'm an actor.

[Laughter]

Well, could you act like you're having this conversation

somewhere else?

I really need to get some work done.

Maybe my gift will cheer you up.

After you ran out of your party,

I brought it here so nobody would steal it.

Some of your guests looked a little dicey.

- It's a clock? - Not just any clock.

It's the count-it-down clock. It calculates your lifespan.

Now, let's see when you're gonna die...

[Laughter]

- Just for fun. - [Laughter]

All you do is enter your age,

then any factors which impact your life expectancy.

For instance, you being a former smoker,

your lack of regular exercise,

your lack of regular sex,

the way you shun leafy Greens,

and compute.

- Uhh! - [Laughter]

- What does it say? - Nothing.

But if you haven't seen the pyramids

or had a proper orgasm, you better get on it.

[Laughter]

Carpe diem, Mona.

Go home and face your demons... Or in your case, your family.

You're right. Thank you, Adam.

Hello, grams? Yeah, sorry to keep you waiting.

I just saved another life.

[Introductory musical note]

Thank you so much for the awesome birthday gift.

I can't believe the clock told me

I was gonna live to be 103.

[Laughter]

Of course it did.

Now, this cupcake represents the best thing about our lives.

I agree.

It's 2 halves making a whole.

We can get through anything as long as we have each other.

Oh. I thought you were talking about the frosting,

but yeah, the other thing's good, too.

[Laughter]

So are you and your mom talking yet?

Did I ever tell you how much I love creamy sugar?

It is my joy, it is my life, it is my reason for being.

[Laughter]

Come on, Mona. Did you ever think

there might be a reason

why your mom gave you that present?

Evil frickin' puppeteer comes to mind.

[Laughter]

Or maybe she did the relationship math.

I mean, the whole process could take years.

You've got to find a man, have a relationship,

plan a wedding, get married, be a couple, have no sex,

consider a divorce, go through counseling,

get your sex life back, then you'll get pregnant.

[Laughter]

Maybe they will have made

some advances in science by then.

They already have.

Your mom gave it to you for your birthday.

[Knock on door]

I'm Gus Mason of gmg, the sports agency.

I'm looking for Dee Dee Thorne, a person with the habit

of getting in other people's business.

Oh, this is the place. Take a number.

[Laughter]

I'm Dee Dee.

Does this have to do with Corey?

Yes. And maybe I should have called,

but I was anxious to meet the person

who got inside my client's head

and found room for improvement in my contract.

Look, I'm sorry

if I infringed on your territory,

but I was just looking out for my friend.

I mean, his stats are on par with mcgrady, gennobly...

Well, because of your persistence

and your attention to detail,

I got Corey an unprecedented deal.

I'm confused. Are you mad at her or not?

[Laughter]

I was, when I thought Corey was getting advice

from another agent who wanted to steal him.

And then I found out it was just an out-of-work attorney.

[Laughter]

Does the whole world know?

[Laughter]

So Dee Dee, let me ask you,

have any interest in being a sports agent?

Hey, Mona, see that? Tingle.

[Laughter]

[Introductory musical note]

Ma, could you come in so we could talk?

Sure.

Is this a trap?

[Laughter]

No, but I may owe you an apology.

- That would be nice. - [Laughter]

Well, you've got to admit it's not every day

a mother tells her daughter she has to freeze her eggs.

[Laughter]

Most mothers don't have my foresight.

Or your boldness. Or your ability to overstep.

Or embarrass.

You don't paint a pretty picture of me, Mona.

Well, that's the brush you gave me, ma.

And that's probably why I overreacted to the gift.

I mean,

I've accomplished so much in my 28 years.

But you always seem so focused

on what I haven't accomplished. A man, a child.

You need to let me make my own choices

and my own mistakes.

But it's not easy for me to step back

- and not be a safety net. - That's what mothers do.

Well, sometimes I just need you to let me freefall.

Baby, the greatest thing I ever did was have a child.

I always thought I'd have at least two,

but I just couldn't get up under that little man again.

[Laughter]

Get back to the poignant part.

Honey, you just seem so focused on your career

that I'm afraid you may biologically miss out

on the joy of having a child.

And I don't want you to miss that, Mona.

I hear you,

but I'm not making any promises.

That's fine,

but don't forget that "freeze one,

get one free" special

expires at the end of your next cycle.

[Laughter]

Do they freeze mothers at this place?

[Introductory musical note]

Congratulations, Mona.

You've had another bad birthday.

You're 28 for 28.

[Laughter]

It really sucks when you have to pay

for your own crappy birthday.

Well, next year, we'll split it...

Now that I have a job.

I can't believe

my little sister's gonna be a sports agent.

Sounds exciting and sexy. Lots of hot, muscular guys.

When is "bring your sister to work" day?

[Laughter]

I think this is the challenge I was looking for.

How does your mom feel about all this?

She has a very unique perspective.

She pointed out that I'm gonna meet

a whole new class of multi-millionaire.

[Laughter]

And if you have a baby with a pro ball player,

it could offset daddy's tiny man genes.

The job is 24/7. I sleep with my cell phone.

I'm never shocked when it rings at 2 A.M.

Sometimes it's a client.

Sometimes it's a client's wife or girlfriend

wanting to know where the client is.

You know nothing.

Sometimes it's a client with a craving for something

he has no business having.

You'll know it when you hear it.

[Laughter]

It's all about dedication and sacrifice.

Any questions?

We never actually talked about benefits.

Let's see. You get a desk, a telephone

and 6 months to show me what you can do.

[Laughter]

Works for me.

[Joyful music]

[Instrumental introductory theme song]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0