Original subtitles

I can't believe it's Saturday night

and I'm stuck clipping coupons.

All right, I had nothing to do,

but it's still more fun than this.

Like she knows what fun is.

She played with a wooden spoon

for the first 4 years of her life.

You just had to tell my mother

you needed help with your budget.

Hey, if I'm gonna be broke,

I'm gonna learn from the best broke person I know.

That's right.

When I'm lying on my death bed,

it won't be the people I've loved

or the places I've been that I'll remember,

it'll be the money I saved.

Ooh, a dollar-off coupon.

I don't know if I'm supposed to eat it, wear it,

or clean with it, but I'm buying it.

Never buy what you don't need.

But you can use that coupon on anything you want

if you go to the bitter, old cashiers,

who are bitter 'cause they're old cashiers.

Phyllis, I don't know how I lived without you before.

You had money. You didn't need her.

Well, ever since dad severed my living expenses,

I'm determined to be the most frugal me I can be.

Says the girl who'll be filing coupons in her $800 wallet.

Ignore her.

Mona's never taken savings seriously.

No wonder you can't keep a man.

Rule number one about a man is he likes a woman

who knows how to crunch a dime.

I thought rule number one about a man

is that he likes sex on the first date.

What? I was kidding.

Look, cheese is half off.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy inside of me ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. Heh heh heh.

All right, Mona.

I've been nursing this beer I can't pronounce

for 2 hours.

When is this band gonna play?

Trust me, Kai,

everyone says Ruby school is the new Black Eyed Peas.

They are worth the wait.

Mona,

I don't even wait for my own mother at the airport.

That's what super shuttle is for.

Well, I got the lowdown

on why the band's taking so long to come out.

See, I knew there was a reason.

There is. They're breaking up.

I missed the green-eyed black guy on csifor this?

I'm out of here.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Kai.

Consider the messenger. The man has a faux hawk.

Now, Adam, exactly what did you hear?

It wasn't so much what I heard,

but I realized they had creative differences

when I saw them bitch slapping each other.

So was it dude versus dude or girl-on-girl?

Either way,

they obviously don't care about a record deal.

So you can tell them

to go back to doing whatever they was doing

before they were wasting my time.

I'm just gonna go with girl-on-girl.

Check it out. Dalis temple.

Big deal. She's a trust-fund celebrity.

Don't diss dalis.

She's only the hugest gen y icon

since Madonna went kabala and brittney got with the guy

who looks like he doesn't shower.

Why are you following me?

Oh, I guess it's 'cause I'm so cute.

Hey, watch the hair.

You have sex on tape, you shoplift, and you're famous.

I don't get it.

I've done all those things and nobody cares about me.

I'm gonna go talk to the band.

Spencer, would you...

What the hell is Spencer doing over there?

Trying to get a better look at dalis.

I stayed by your side to see if you needed anything...

And to ask if I could stand on your shoulders

so I could get a better look at dalis.

What kind of country are we living in

where people obsess over someone who's famous for being famous?

Well, these are dark days.

So you gonna give me a lift up or what?

[Knock on door]

Hey, little Dee, i...

What's going on in here?

It looks like an alley in Calcutta.

I'm hand-washing my clothes.

But that's Dolce & Gabbana...

And it deserves to be handled with love

by an immigrant who spent decades

understanding its proper care.

Well, thanks to Phyllis,

I've learned to care for my fine washables

at a fraction of the cost.

I should've known this was the devil's work.

She also taught me this cool wrist technique

for maneuvering around side seams.

As if you selling shoes

and touching other people's feet all day

weren't bad enough.

Ugh, this image is gonna keep me up all night...

Until my pain killers kick in.

But when my maid slaps me awake at noon tomorrow,

I'll do nothing but fret.

I'm sorry, mom.

I really need to concentrate.

I'm working on a pocket.

I need to sit down.

You know, this is good stuff.

Phyllis has been giving me

lots of dollar stretching techniques.

Dollars are for spending, not stretching.

Unlike Phyllis' waistbands.

Dear, I would write you a check,

but your father insists that we present a united front.

Is that the same shirt I saw you in last month?

Yes.

I've become a repeat clothes-wearer

and I'm proud of it.

And what's going on with your French manicure?

I did it myself.

Touched up the tips with a little white-out.

You can barely tell the difference.

I need to lie down.

[Knock on door]

Spencer, I wanted to talk to you about last night.

Hey, I wanted to talk to youabout last night.

And I wanted to talk to you about your weak upper body.

Those broad shoulders are deceiving.

If I hadn't held onto your hair,

I never would've stayed on as long as I did.

Sorry about that low doorway,

but I really had to use the bathroom.

Adam, I need to talk to Mona in private.

Can you go to your desk?

Fine, but there's nothing to do there.

Well, since Ruby school didn't work out,

we need to hit all the underground clubs

and scout some new acts.

No need. Already found one,

and it's a guaranteed gold mine.

This isn't you again, is it?

'Cause I thought we were over that.

You'reover that.

Anyway, the person I want to sign is an international icon.

She's sexy as hell and all the men love her,

no color lines.

Delicious records next superstar:

Dalis temple.

And after we sign her,

we... stare at her?

I mean, does she even sing?

Who cares?

She can sell tabloids, hamburgers, jewels.

Imagine what we could do with some hot tracks,

some hot clothes, some pyrotechnics.

Get paid!

Yeah, but we've never manufactured artists before,

and we're not gonna start now.

Delicious is and always will be about the music.

Don't sleep on this, Mona.

Look, I admire your passion and your enthusiasm,

I even like your shirt,

but I'm gonna pass on dalis.

You can't do that.

I just did.

Fine.

Business is business.

And you are the v.P. Of a&r, and I'm not.

We're all adults here.

Starting now.

Now, Dee Dee, pay attention.

You want to do the bulk of your shopping on the perimeter.

That's where all your dietary staples are:

Bread, milk,

meat, fruit.

The center aisles are nothing but crap.

Staples. Crap.

Got it.

Ooh, look, free samples.

Good eye.

You should never shop on an empty stomach.

You'll buy everything you see and eat it before you get home.

More accidents are caused by corn chips than cell phones.

Mini-meatballs.

We got an assortment of international sauces.

Dijon... that's French,

szechwan... that's Chinese,

and cajun... that's hot as hell.

Forget the sauce, load up on the meat.

Is that all you can carry in that tiny hand?

It's like you have a kitten paw.

Oh, yeah?

Mm-mmm, I'm sorry,

but we got a limit of one per customer.

You're gonna take these from me?

I might.

You got to catch me first.

Ooh, Dee Dee, go to the head of the class.

My mom and my nannies never taught me any of this.

You're opening up a whole new world to me, Phyllis.

We haven't even scratched the surface yet.

Let's talk bread.

Why buy it fresh

when day-old is half the price?

But this doesn't have any grain in it.

What do you need grain for?

A clean colon.

That's what broccoli's for.

Now take the damn bread and push off.

Ooh, kiwis, papayas, imported lingonberries.

Now that you're done dreamin',

let's talk apples.

Phyllis, can we get one basket of strawberries?

Sure, and why don't we get some Tiffany diamonds

on aisle 7 while we're at it?

When it comes to fruit,

seasonal is sensible and bruised is best.

I think "ripe & ready" means old and stank.

Don't be afraid of a little brown.

It'll build up your immune system.

I don't think I'm there yet, phyl.

Oh, but you are.

You just don't know it yet.

And don't call me phyl.

Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Soup stock.

All righty, everything's packed.

Off you go. Get out, go home.

Since when do you care when I leave?

Since Kai said I had to stay until you leave.

So you leavin'?

Hey, Mona...

Oh, I'm sorry, you just missed her.

I can see her in her office.

You're seeing things. Clearly, you're overworked.

Get out, go home.

I want to get her opinion.

Actually, I just want to show this off

'cause I think it's crazy sexy.

Oh, it's my dalis.

Mona, a Mr. Shaka to see you.

What have you got for me, shaka?

The one-sheet I mocked up for the dalis pitch.

I think it's hot you're trying to sign her.

I am? Who told you that?

Spencer. I was told to make this a top priority.

Who told you that?

Spencer.

Oh, our Spencer sure has a lot to say.

Well, I appreciate you bringing this to me,

and I'll get back to you.

Well, don't think on it too long.

Spencer needs this for the staff meeting tomorrow,

and I still have to paint hair on dalis' dog,

which could take a while.

Yeah, I'll keep that in mind.

So, the underling makes a move.

Do you feel usurped? Stepped on?

Pushed aside? 'Cause you have been.

Adam, are you trying to instigate a war?

Am I wearing a polka-dot thong?

Well, you don't have to instigate anything,

because it is on.

Finally, a reason to come to work.

No sign of Spencer yet,

so I parked my Vespa in his space.

For you I did it...

To show him who's in charge.

Plus, I was late.

Mona, I'm glad you called me.

Do you have any feedback on the dalis material?

No, but I do need the font samples

for Tiffany and Serena's new cd

and the graphics for the adoniss' website.

I'm presenting them at today's staff meeting.

But if I do all that,

I won't have the dalis artwork ready for Spencer.

Pity.

Mona, you told me I had a couple of days

to get that other work done.

And now I'm telling you you don't.

But I wanted to use this new trick

and put a glittery butterfly just above dalis' thong.

And you can.

As long as you do it at home on your own time.

I know I work around paint a lot,

but I'm a little confused.

Really?

Just about this or other things as well?

I'm just gonna go work on fonts.

Good choice.

Mona, you are a sly fox in patchouli oil.

If I had a hat to match this outfit,

I'd take it off to you right now.

Ok, Dee Dee,

what's this?

A dead banana?

You see rotten fruit,

I see banana bread, banana spread,

and banana salad.

Oh, who knew so many things get really good

after they go really bad.

Big Dee Dee: Hello, hello.

Eww, is there something old and rotten in here?

Oh, it's just Phyllis.

I'm surprised you can smell anything

with that surgical mishap you call a nose.

Phyllis took me grocery shopping.

Tell her about the deal we got on pot pies.

Oh, 2 for $1.00.

It's a balanced meal in a pie form.

What the frock are you wearing?

It's a house coat.

Phyllis bought it for me at the grocery store.

You are a pair of slippers

and a 'do rag away from being that woman.

Give me a week and she will be.

Dee Dee, burn that shapeless mess.

We're going to dinner at the ritz.

I'm sure you've never been, Phyllis.

They don't have peanut shells on the floor.

I'm sorry, mom,

but Phyllis promised to teach me how to make sloppy Joes.

Why doesn't she just teach you

how to cut out my heart while she's at it?

I'll talk you through it.

And allocating money to our artists this way

will give them a chance

to develop and spell success for delicious.

And boring is spelled m-o-n-a.

Great speech, Mona.

Cut the crap. You fell asleep twice.

By the way, thanks for putting my dalis project on ice.

Oh, if by putting it on ice, you mean killing it,

then you're welcome.

Mona, this is some nice work here.

And I'm gonna sign off on the artwork for Tiffany and Serena.

Meeting's over.

Kai, wait.

I have one last idea I'd like to present.

Boy, I'm hungry, and if my blood sugar plummets,

there will be ramifications.

I'll be quick.

It's been a while since delicious

has had a real breakout star.

But what if we start with someone who's already a star?

What if we start with someone who can bring me my dinner?

What if men and women ages 18 to 34

rank this person as their favorite celebrity to watch?

And what if that person

is on the other side of this door?

What's up, y'all? What's up, y'all?

[Rock playing]

Uh-huh.

Unh! Uhh! Uhh!

Unh!

Uh-huh.

Oh, I would kill for her abs.

Unreal.

So she's had a couple of ribs removed. Who hasn't?

I can't believe you brought her here after I said no.

And I can't believe she's dragging

her bare stomach across our table.

We eat lunch here!

Uh-huh.

Hey, the first rule of business is supply and demand,

and I'm supplying what the people are obviously demanding.

Mona, look around.

Ain't nobody thinkin' about lunch.

Oh, my god, I think I'm aroused.

[Gasps] I've betrayed my people!

Yup, yup, that's right, y'all.

That was sexy, huh?

Hey, watch the hair.

The girl knows how to work it.

I say we sign her.

But she didn't even sing.

Did you see her?

Guys want her, girls love her,

and if Adam keeps staring at her like that,

I'm gonna have to send him

to another sexual harassment seminar.

Kai, if we sign dalis,

we're gonna have to take funds away from another artist.

Then pick one.

Because if we don't get dalis, somebody else will

and they're gonna make a mint.

Spencer, get a dalis proposal on my desk by tomorrow.

Got it right here.

You sure get smart when you put a suit on.

Do it more often.

I plan on it.

Adam: Enchanteé.

I'm gonna be you for Halloween.

The market certainly has changed since I last shopped.

I'd have played down my blush

if I'd known the lighting was gonna be so harsh.

You know, mom,

you really don't have to be here.

Please, if anybody's gonna teach my baby to be independent,

it's me.

You know, mama wasn't always rich.

Time: 1975.

Place: Pikeville.

Your mother was voted miss teen discount diva

of a local piggly wiggly.

Boy, there's still a lot I don't know about you.

There's also a lot I just don't remember.

Maybe it's for the best.

Ooh, a dented can.

The savvy shopper knows

that you can get at least 20% off damaged canned goods.

Oh, and we have a coupon for that brand.

We can take those peas home practically for free.

Ha ha ha! Touch that, Phyllis.

Hey, you saw me reaching for those.

You could've been reaching for anything,

beets, perhaps.

The beets aren't dented.

Well, that's not my problem, is it?

Those are my peas.

Do you want to be dented like this can?

Now give me the peas. My daughter needs the peas.

Give my daughter the peas!

Mom, mom, put down the peas!

Back off, Dee Dee. I will not be out-shopped.

Very well.

I'll have the okra.

That's what I'm sayin'.

Mom.

I love you,

but I never want to see you here again.

This place does terrible things to you.

You're right, dear.

But just so you know,

if you wanted the okra,

mother would've gotten you the okra.

Hey.

Hey, congratulations, backstabber.

Oops, did I say backstabber?

I meant backstabber.

Maybe my method wasn't the greatest...

Oh, no, it's my fault

for making an executive decision

and forcing my friend to go over my head.

But you got what you want,

so nothing else matters.

Mona, I'm sorry it went down like that,

but I'm not sorry I went after dalis, 'cause I was right.

You were not right. Kai says I'm right.

Dalis can't sing. Dalis can make money.

- Yeah, well... - Well?

I'm thinking.

You know, I don't have to have the v.P. Title

to be good at what I do.

And someone I respect once said,

"part of being a good leader is accepting a great idea,

even if it didn't come from you."

Ok, it is not because it wasn't my idea that I didn't like it.

Spence, I'm concerned about where the music is going.

So am I.

Like how we can't sign every artist we believe in

because we don't have the money.

And I suppose you think

the profits from dalis' record sales

can pay for those artists.

Hmm, so you're finally feeling me.

Check this out.

"Dalis is delicious."

It's catchy.

Promotes the artist,

brings people to the label.

I got to say, it's good.

What did you say, Mona?

My work was good?

Is that what you said?

Yes, it's what I said.

Hmm. Now say it into the phone.

It's my mom.

She had the whole church praying that your thick head

would come around.

You are going to love the hamburger in a pea patch

my mom taught me how to make.

Each serving only costs $1.29.

Does dinner on a budget have to stink so bad?

Just because it's inexpensive

doesn't mean it's not tasty.

See?

Yum.

I'm gonna pass 'cause I ain't poor.

I'm getting Sushi. Bye.

You would abandon me in my time of need?

What kind of sister are you?

The kind who wouldn't leave her broke-ass sister behind.

Come on, little beggar.

I love you, Mona.

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