Original subtitles

[Door opening]

Hey, I wanted you to know I put together

the online press kit for adoniss.

Ok, I would get on you for not knocking,

but you throw me when you do work on your own.

Well, I tried calling you from my office, but your line was busy.

Oh, sorry, Spence. My mom has been calling all morning,

so I took the phone off the hook. I can barely get any work done.

She can't be that bad.

I have some faxes for you. They're all from Phyllis.

Ugh. "Mona, you only have one mother,

"so pick up the damn phone.

Love, the woman who has stretch marks because of you. Mom."

Your mother needs a hobby, like a man.

It's always been my favorite hobby.

She's been extra needy lately,

and I think she's just reacting to me spending more time with my dad.

[Rings] It's her.

You should answer it. It might be important.

Yeah, ma? Wow, I am glad you called.

Captain midnight just coughed up a 2-pound hairball.

Actually, she faxed a picture of it.

It was important to the cat.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Mona, I know you wanted a quiet evening alone

after a hectic day of dodging your mother,

so I got you your favorite Blair Underwood films

since I know how much you love him.

Wait a minute. You love him.

And so will you as soon as he flashes

that flawless smile or rips off his shirt,

whichever you see first.

You are a good little sister.

Your hot chocolate is right there,

but be careful. Two big sips of my special

sleepy time mix and you are crashing like...

Still not quiet.

Oops. Sorry. Just relax.

There is nothing here to disturb

your quiet, peaceful tranquillity.

Why the hell is it so dark in here?

I got nothing to do, I knew you had nothing to do,

so I thought we'd do it together.

What are we watching?

My nerves shatter into a million pieces.

Ooh! I haven't seen that one. Sounds scary.

It is.

Well, you might as well stick around, too.

Yay! Girls night out, only in.

Bring on the Blair-a-thon.

Oh, Phyllis, I've been trying to get a hold of you,

but your phone's always busy.

Gee, I wonder who she's calling.

Remember my professor Martin Wilkins,

he played poker with us that one time?

You mean the bitter sad sack going through that nasty divorce

who walks around with a chip on shoulder,

mad at the world and disgruntled with life in general?

Yeah, him. He's very interested in you.

Set it up.

What? He's working, breathing, and we both hate our exes,

and I never turn down a free meal from a younger man.

After we eat, I don't have to share my pepto with him.

Thanks for thinking of me, Dee Dee.

Where are you going?

I gotta go dust off my dating clothes

and start shaving everything I can reach.

[Both laughing]

Oh.

You know, Charles,

it's nice of you to take the trash out of Mona's,

but you can't just leave big items like that out on the curb.

So, Martin, I see you're still honoring your boy scout commitment

by helping a little old lady.

So you're my daughter's professor. I've heard a lot about you.

And you must be the ex-husband.

I've heard a lot about you as well.

From the way Phyllis described you,

I thought you'd be about two feet tall.

That's just how I felt when I was married to her.

That's nothing. When I was married,

I only felt the crumbling facade of my will to live.

Well, that's all behind you now.

Marty and I are on our third date.

That's wonderful. Blink one time if you need help.

A third date with Phyllis.

That explains the sadness in your eyes.

That's an astigmatism.

My ex-wife took my glasses in the divorce.

But she left the best part for me.

Marty and I had a fantastic night.

It's the longest I've spent with a woman

without curling up into the fetal position and clutching my wallet.

Give it time, buddy. Give it time.

[Door opens]

- Phyllis: Hey. - Hey.

Oh, hey, ma. You haven't dropped by in a while.

Whatever you've been doing, I approve.

Unless it's illegal.

I still approve.

Well, we just wanted to stop by and say hello to Dee Dee.

And thank her for fixing us up.

All I did was bring two beaten-down, lonely, desperate souls together.

It's a gift.

You know, Marty, I've always thought of these two as my girls.

You have?

Yeah. It's like I have two daughters:

One gives me boyfriends, and the other one gives me problems.

Those problems fill your days, old woman.

It was my pleasure. I'm just glad you two are getting along.

I've had a delightful evening,

except for the awkward banter in the hall

and the family tension you could cut with a knife.

However, I must prepare. In the morning,

I'm giving a tort lecture on res ipsa loquitur.

Ooh, I love it when he talks like that.

Now I'm off to my place,

a sad hovel shrouded in depressing memories.

But I had a lovely time, Phyllis.

I've never seen anyone eat so much peel-and-eat shrimp in one sitting.

Turns me on.

Oh, what a night.

But first things first.

I gotta get out of these support hose.

I got a filet mignon pressing up against my waistband.

But as soon as I free my flesh, I will give you all the highlights.

Things are working out just the way I hoped.

For the professor?

No, with Phyllis. When professor Wilkins asked about her,

I figured it was the perfect opportunity

for your mother and I to share a special bond.

Ok, but just know that being Phyllis Thorne's daughter

involves 24-hour access, a daily guilt trip,

and a thumb callous from coupon clippin'.

I think I can handle it.

[Phyllis, yelling] Someone get in here.

Mama needs some help with these pantyhose!

They're stuck around my thighs!

I'll help you, Phyllis!

Oh, word of advice...

Make her stand up so you have gravity on your side.

You know, picking it up every so often isn't gonna make the man call.

Well, it's just usually my mom has called 10 times by now.

Are the phones out?

Oh, she called. To get Dee Dee's cell number.

They're having lunch at the rib roundup.

She even bought your sister a pair of size zero eating pants.

She did? I haven't gotten any new eating pants since Christmas.

Well, the more time Dee Dee spends with Phyllis,

the more time you have to yourself.

Now you can date, work out, fix yourself up a little.

You're bringing me down. Are you trying to take my mom's place?

Aw, don't worry. I'm here for you.

You know you can always count on me.

I'm your rock. Huh?

Thanks, Spence. It's nice to know you'll always...

Ooh, sandwich cart's here.

Rock's gotta eat.

[Knock on door]

Hey, Dee Dee, what'd you want to show me?

I needed your opinion on something before Phyllis gets back.

What? Ma was here?

She didn't even stop by to say hi.

Well, she was in a hurry. She's taking the professor on a costco run.

He needed a patio chair, an eye exam, and a tall pack of deodorant.

And she's getting me king crab legs.

King crab? She only gets me imitation fish sticks.

I wanted to know if you think Phyllis would like this.

You got my mom a cat scrapbook?

Complete with "if they could see me meow" stickers.

Since we started connecting,

I thought it would be nice if I supported her interests.

Don't you have your own dysfunctional mother to tend to?

Mona, are you jealous?

Dee Dee, are you crazy?

You don't my mom like I do. She will turn on you on a dime.

Now, I know Phyllis can be tough.

Oh, you grew up with a lot of things,

but my mother's toughness is not one of them.

Well, contrary to what you think,

I found Phyllis to be one of the sweetest, kindest,

and most gentle women I've ever known.

Do you know what the hell kind of day I had?

Marty Wilkins had the nerve to show up at my doorstep

with a pillow and the luggage he bought at costco.

He said it was time to take our relationship to the next level

and cohabitate.

So what happened?

What happened? I'll tell you what happened.

I told him I fell for that crap with ray

and I wasn't gonna fall for it again.

Then I went ghetto on his tail and tossed his sorry butt out.

And do you know what that fool did?

She's about to tell you.

I'll tell you what he did.

I just got a call from animal control.

He turned me in to the city!

I got 5 cats. That's one cat over the legal limit.

Now I got to get rid of one of them.

And do you know who I have to thank for this mess?

You.

That's what I affectionately like to call "the turn."

Me? Why me?

Because you hooked me up with that evil,

animal-hating man in the first place.

Now that clingy big word user has me getting rid of one of my babies.

Well, thanks a lot, Dee Dee.

And I want my eating pants back!

Hey, you wanted to be treated like a daughter.

It ain't all king crab, sister.

I can't make it without my cats,

and they can't make it without me.

Captain midnight is diabetic,

Valentino suffers from depression,

eartha kitty is bulimic,

commander paws has anxiety issues.

And then there's Fred.

He licked himself bald.

And Fred can't make it without commander paws.

Wow. I don't know what's more scary,

the fact that you have five cats or that you took the time to diagnose them.

Well, I wouldn't be going through any of this if it weren't for your sister.

Don't worry, ma, we'll figure this out.

One daughter may have lost one of your cats,

but the other will help you find it a good home.

Hey, why can't you keep one?

Because... every time I looked at it,

it would just remind me of the horrible, horrible injustice

that has been done to you by Dee Dee.

Ooh. I knew I shouldn't have gotten close to a Dee Dee.

From now on, we don't say their names. We just use their initials.

No, wait. Damn those...

You know the cows I'm talking about.

And it all just went so wrong.

I don't know how to fix things with Phyllis.

You can't fix things with that woman.

I tried for years. Sometimes I still wake up screaming.

And why on earth do you want to fix things?

I mean, if you ask me, this is a wonderful situation.

One we should celebrate with Tequila shooters.

How about some imported Russian caviar?

I know you bought some.

I saw the charge when I paid your credit card bill.

You two are not helping me.

Mother, don't you have one of those crazy stories to tell me?

The time... blah, blah, blah. The place... blah, blah, blah.

Don't mock mother, dear.

You can't expect me to fix every problem or teach you every lesson.

I mean, I taught you never to take candy from strangers. Or Phyllis.

No running with scissors. Unless you're chasing Phyllis.

I can't believe I got myself into this.

Honey, the only suggestion I have is to talk to Mona.

If you can find a 15-minute window

when Phyllis isn't sprawled on the couch eating a bag of pork rinds.

Ha ha ha!

Well, Mona is having too much fun being right.

I guess I'm just gonna have to resolve this situation myself.

That's good, dear. Do you know what helps us think clearly?

Tequila.

What? I had some earlier, and I'm thinking quite clearly.

I'm sorry, Ms. Thorne. We're just waiting for the president.

As soon as he gets here you can begin.

Had I been elected president, we would have started on time,

but Mrs. Brewster in 3-c voted twice and then suspiciously moved.

[Motor humming]

Ok, people, what have we got tonight?

Anything juicy?

[Sigh] We're dealing with the Phyllis Thorne matter.

If I were president, I would have read my agenda

before I scooted into the meeting.

You lost, Angela, get over it.

Now let's talk about that big-mouthed broad with all the cats.

About said broad, sir, Ms. Thorne loves her five cats very much.

Now, I'm aware that the city of San Francisco

has a very strict pet policy.

However, upon further investigation,

I discovered that this board could override the city by a unanimous vote.

Can we move this along?

It's water aerobics night down at the pool,

and I want to try to get as close as I can

to the babe with the big chimmy-chugas.

She likes to nuzzle.

[Angela] Clearly, you're not aware that our policy

is stricter than the city's... One pet per person.

I know. I introduced the legislation.

One pet per person?

So she isn't just over the limit by one cat,

she's over by four.

You're not very good at math, are you?

You know, let's revisit this topic after you've been nuzzled.

So not only does catwoman have to get rid of four felines,

she owes us $500 for each violation.

[Reggie] Yeah. That's $2,000. Just enough to install

a non-slip ramp down to the laundry room.

Now I don't have to wear a helmet.

And for turning Phyllis in, you get your picture in the monthly newsletter

with our president.

At least until the next election.

Say cheese, shorty.

Oh, come on, guys, I wouldn't ask you to take my mom's cat

if I weren't desperate.

I don't like cats. Unless it's on stage

and I have a date with one of the dancers after the show.

And I'd help you out, but I already have smokey.

I'm a one-cat man. Besides, you know how she is.

She gets real possessive.

Spencer, smokey's a boy.

Oh, my gosh. She's a he?

I let him lick my toes.

I told you you'd like it if you just gave it a chance.

It was a cat, Adam, not a dude.

A cat! A cat!

Hey, Mona.

I'm in big trouble. Things are spinning out of control.

Oh, but isn't Phyllis "the sweetest, kindest,

most gentlest person you've ever known"?

I should have known that you would throw that back in my face.

And I should have known better than to come to you for help.

Huhh.

Dee Dee, why don't we go in my office so we can talk about this.

That's better.

[Mona sighs deeply]

Dee Dee, why is being close to my mother so important to you?

It's not even that important to me.

Mona, growing up I never spent that much time with your mom.

She'd drop you off, insult my mother,

pick you up, and insult my mother.

That's not fair. Sometimes she cursed out dad, too.

I know. That's how I learned the term "trifling negro."

Anyway, when I moved into the building,

I saw it as a chance to get closer to both you and your mom.

I conquered you, and now you love me,

and I want the same thing with Phyllis.

I know you do, and I could've been more helpful.

I guess I'm just feeling kind of jealous.

Well, you won't be when you know the situation I'm in.

Because when Phyllis finds out what I did, she's gonna kill me, Bury me,

and not tell anyone where my little body is.

Wow, you really have gotten to know her.

Well, we've got no one to take my mom's cats.

What if we declare Phyllis legally blind

and make eartha kitty a seeing eye cat?

You think your mom can get the cat to lead her across the street?

My mom can't even get eartha to stop peeing on captain midnight.

Hey, maybe the cats could live at the Thorne mansion.

Please! They'd end up as wigs.

Except for bald Fred.

The best he could make is a skullcap.

[Door opens]

There you are.

Look at the headline on my condo's newsletter.

"Catwoman breaks property claws."

C-l-a-w-s.

Oh, I get it. Clause, that's kind of clever, right?

No, oh, no, no.

And guess who ratted catwoman out!

What a pretty woman I've never seen before.

I also got a notice telling me I owe them 2 grand,

thanks to you.

Phyllis, I can explain.

Can you explain it to my 5 cats

why I gotta put them in the bathtub and fight it out gladiator-style?

That's better than anything we came up with.

See, this is what I get for getting too close to you.

Now, wait a minute, ma. Let's look at this another way.

Yes, another way.

Did I say you could speak?

Go ahead, and this better be good.

There is an upside to all this.

In fact, the more I think about it,

it's a terrific opportunity.

How?

Well, this whole cat situation is a sign.

It's time for a change,

and the only solution out of it is to move.

I thought I told you this had to be good.

Yeah! I thought she told you this had to be good!

Oh, I spoke. Sorry.

If you move, you can keep all your cats.

And leave behind the ghosts of ray and all your past relationships.

I mean, let's face it, ma, it's time for a new start.

So you're telling me I have to pack up all my stuff,

leave the only home I've known since I left your father,

and change over my whole life?

That's a great idea.

It is? Well...

When we moved to a new place,

it did help me get over your father and the divorce.

I got a whole new outlook, my career took off,

and we did ok.

And if you move, you'll be more than ok.

Well, then that's it. I'm gonna move!

Thank you, baby!

Ohh!

You do know I'm Dee Dee?

Yeah, why are you hugging her?

She almost had your cats fighting to the death.

Well, if she hadn't fixed me up with the professor,

it wouldn't have started the chain of events

that's leading me into a whole new life.

Aww... that is true.

You know, I'm feeling very close to you right now.

Well, I gotta go pack.

Mona, get your weight belt

and meet me behind the food 4 less store.

It's box day.

Unbelievable. I totally bail you out and what do I get?

I tell you what I get, I get nothin'!

That's our mother.

- Double 3's! - [Cell phone rings]

Hello.

Oh, ma. Where are you?

She wants us to look out the window.

Ok, this had better be good.

Hey, I see her. She's waving at us

from that window across the street.

What? What do mean you're thinking of renting that apartment?

We have got to stop our mother.

Our mother? That's your mama.

[Theme music playing]

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