Original subtitles

[Both laughing]

Phyllis. What happened to your foot?

Oh, poor thing twisted her ankle chasin' a single man up a tree.

I tripped over the kitty litter box.

Dear, if I were you, I would stick with my story.

Look at all these bags.

You been out shoppin' at big, bad and unbearable?

Mother saw a cashmere sweater she liked for me and got one in every color.

I even got one for Quincy, the new guy I'm dating.

That was for him?

I thought that was for me.

Dad, please. It was a large.

They were having this great special.

If you buy 20 sweaters, you get one free.

Well, my mom gets the same deal.

Only instead of cashmere, it's toilet paper.

Well, I think it's a waste buying so much of one thing.

Unless it's something you need. Like comfy cotton underwear.

Ooh. I just had a flashback to our wedding night.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Laughs]

Mm-mmm. Somethin' smells good.

How do you always know the second I'm unwrapping food?

'Cause I'm gifted like that.

I also know when a girl with low self-esteem has entered the building.

Great. Now even the deli guy is slipping me demo cd's.

Unh. That's your boy.

[Imitates deli guy] Mona, I love to make music.

Take me away from my ham salad hell.

Can you believe this?

Before the talent search, this happened occasionally.

But now demos don't just come in the mail. They come in my lunch.

Speaking of lunch,

can I borrow some money to buy some?

I'm takin' hilary in accounting out to the taco hut, and I don't wanna look cheap.

You know, Spence, you already owe me $600.

I can't believe you're keepin' track.

You know, I don't keep track of the money you borrow from me.

When have I ever borrowed from you?

I don't know. I don't keep track.

Pull harder. Harder.

Come on. Put some muscle into it. [Gasps]

[Straining] Ok, now I can't feel my legs.

You are really going all out for your date with Quincy.

Well, Quincy is the perfect relationship after Carter.

It's light and easy, and he even plays the guitar in bed.

Is he any good?

Oh, is he.

Is he any good at guitar?

I can't hear when his shirt is off.

He's sexy and ambitious, and not only that,

he's a political advisor to the mayor.

I'm finally gonna get a chance to sit at table one at the black and white ball.

I can't wait to see daddy's face

when I'm waving at him all the way back at table 32.

Oh, it'd be just like the face he made

when he found your mom drag racing the Aston Martin.

[Both gasp]

So what are you doin' tonight?

Oh, I'm hangin' out with my good friend Mr. TiVo.

Oh, Mona. That's just sad.

Hey, I need a break from people.

Ever since I got this promotion,

everybody wants something from me.

If it's not a waiter trying to stick a demo cd into my pad Thai,

then it's Spencer hitting me up for money.

Mona, you have been complaining about this forever.

Your problem is, you never set boundaries with people.

You have to learn to say no.

I say no all the time. Last week, I told the waiter, "no anchovies in my salad."

And when he put anchovies in your salad, what did you do?

Picked 'em out and hid 'em in my broccoli,

which I also told him I didn't want.

You see what I mean?

Listen, it's hard to do. Especially when

you're dealing with someone you're close to like Spencer.

But if you have the good relationship you think you have,

he'll hear you when you set him straight.

How come I never thought of it like that?

'Cause if you did, you'd put me out of a job.

[Knock on the door]

Quincy.

- Hey. - Hi.

- Mm. - Mm.

This is my sister Mona.

Oh, nice to meet you, Mona.

- Hi. - Come on in.

Why are you lookin' at him like that?

Hey, Mr. TiVo's nice. But he doesn't look like that.

Welcome to l'affair des feet.

Oh, don't waste your time.

I just wanna know how much those shoes in the window are.

It's only my second day, so I'll have to check.

I'll be right back, Mrs...

Thorne.

The Mrs. Thorne?

That's what my driver's license says.

Along with the fake weight I put on it.

Oh. You're the reason I got this job.

After you bought the Gucci slingbacks in every color,

your sales girl took her commission and bought a house in Fiji.

Oh! You think i'm...

Here to shop...

And I am.

I like to buy lots of shoes to compensate for my empty life.

Oh, please, take a seat in our massage chair.

It will knead your cares away

so you can concentrate on the important things in life...

Shoes and purses.

Ladies, please indulge our special customer.

My name is Sasha, and I'll be right back with that price, Mrs. Thorne.

Whatever, baby. Take your time.

[Whimpers] Oh.

Oh, work it, girl.

No problem. Bye.

Check out a brother's plan to attract a better class of females.

Hmm. New jacket and tims.

I guess that means you have the money to pay me back.

I've had this bad boy on layaway for months,

and the sales girl said the leather brings out the baby brown in my eyes.

And ya fell for that?

Lil' bit.

Spencer, I want the money back that you owe me. All of it.

- You serious? - Hell, yes, I'm serious,

and from now on, money that's loaned is paid back.

But I don't have it. I spent it on this sexy new look.

Well, then, say good-bye.

'Cause I'm repossessing the sexy and the new.

But... shoes.

Oh, man.

Good thing, I left the leather drawers at home.

This gown is perfect for the black and white ball.

That is beautiful, baby.

It combines the classiness of Halle Berry with the bold sexiness of j.Lo

between her second and third marriage

when she was at an all time fashion high.

You know, I, uh... Stayed up all night

writin' a special song for you, Dee Dee.

It's called, special song for you, Dee Dee.

Aw. No one has ever written a song for me before.

Except for the crazy guy who lives in our dumpster.

But I'm not sure it was only for me, really.

It was called, earthlings, prepare for the onslaught.

You're really lost in my azure blue soul?

Oh.

My dream is to be a songwriter. But I...

Keep gettin' rejections from music companies.

I just don't have any connections.

Wait a minute.

Doesn't your sister work for a record label?

Mm-hmm.

No, no. I... i couldn't.

Oh, sure you could.

Why don't I pass your demo along to her?

Really? You'd do that for me?

Of course, I would. It's nothing.

Well, it's everything to me.

Aw.

Ooh! That'd make a good song title. I'm writin' that down.

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

These crab puffs are delicious.

Just like my maids make at home.

Wait till you see what else we have in store.

Straight from the runway, cobbled together from Costa Rican virgin cows,

and we only have them left in one size... yours!

[Gasps] Aah!

I love 'em!

Oh, I don't care how much they cost.

Damn! Look how much they cost!

But you're rich.

I am.

You're fabulous. So true.

You'll look 10 pounds thinner. I'll take 'em!

I mean, I deserve them.

After all, it's not easy running a mansion

and takin' care of my midget husband and dog coco.

Oh, and the baby.

Oh, no need for that.

We'll just charge them to the Thorne account.

Huh? Oh, right. The Thorne account.

I love my Thorne account.

I also love these crab puffs.

Could ya stick a couple in the bag with the shoes and I'll be on my way.

And don't forget the dippin' sauce.

I hope you're happy.

Now I can't go out to lunch 'cause I don't have any shoes.

You can't go to lunch 'cause you don't have any money.

- Hey, Spencer. - Mm.

Aw, look at your cute little socks.

Women. Always chippin' away at a brother's soul.

Bye. Hey, Mona,

I brought you Quincy's demo cd.

I need you to give him some feedback.

Right. Gotcha. No.

What do you mean, "no?"

Well, remember your pep talk about drawing boundaries?

I am drawing them all over town.

I sent my burger back 'cause I ordered chicken,

I made the dry cleaner honor my expired coupons,

and when ma invited herself over for dinner at 7:00,

I told her "no." I stood my ground.

Now she's coming over at 7:15.

So thanks for the advice.

You're welcome.

But you know what's just as powerful as saying "no?"

Saying "yes." So here you go.

Oh, I got it. You're testing me to see if I'll stick with it.

No, I'm not. Now here you go.

You know, I have to say I'm very impressed.

You brought props and everything.

But I am more impressed with me.

Because I'm not falling for it.

Mona, I'm not kidding.

I promised Quincy, and I never break a promise

I make to a man who's taking me to the black and white ball.

So just listen to this demo.

It'll take you 5 minutes.

It'll take me no minutes. Because I'm not doing it.

And I can't believe that you would seriously ask me.

And I can't believe that you would seriously deny your sister.

My sister told me to say no

when I thought people were taking advantage of me.

So I'm doing that. So you can take your cd and go.

This is a very unpleasant side of you.

I can't believe I got another rejection letter from a record company.

A form letter no less!

It wasn't even signed, baby.

Quincy, I hate to see you like this.

Just remember how talented you are.

You're so supportive, Dee Dee.

[Sighs]

Maybe this will inspire me to write a new song.

Oh.

I got nothin'.

I hope you don't mind if we skip the black and white ball.

I just need to be alone with my pain.

Really?

'Cause I read that what's best for depression

is to be around a lot of people...

Preferably in formal wear while drinking champagne.

No, I don't want Arnold and Maria to see me like this,

just cloaked in defeat.

Arnold and Maria at table one?

Um...

Quincy, you know,

I was planning to give you the great news at the ball, but why not share it now?

Mona listened to your demo and really loved it!

She did? Really?

Would I lie to you?

[Quincy] I'm glad you loved it.

Hey, Mona!

Uh, Mona has boundaries now and doesn't want to be disturbed.

Mona, thanks for listening to my cd.

I can't wait to come to delicious.

Quincy! I never wanted you more.

Upstairs, quick!

Dee Dee, I told you I wasn't going to listen to Quincy's cd.

That's not what you said.

Ok, fine, that's exactly what you said.

You said she listened to it and loved it.

That's not what I said.

Ok, fine, that's exactly what I said.

Well, i f you can't even get your own sister to listen to my demo,

I don't see a future to this relationship.

So you were just using me to further your own agenda?

That is beneath contempt!

That's what you were doing to him to get to the black and white ball.

That is not what I was doing!

Ok, fine, that's exactly what I was doing.

You were using me?

You were using me!

You used me first.

Suddenly you're not as attractive.

You're done, Dee Dee.

Well, I was done first!

So how's it feel being used?

Oh, shut up!

Come on, Mona. I need my jacket. It's cold outside!

Give me the $600 you owe me and you'll be nice and warm.

Well, can't I rent it by the hour? I'll give you a 20.

If you loan me a 20.

You know, I'd say you've sunk to an all-time low,

but I've seen the smiley face socks.

Tch!

Girl ain't budgin' today.

It's cold outside, Chester!

Get yourself a jacket.

Hey, daddy.

Ohh, what's up?

Well, apparently we left coco's Thursday sweater at your sister's,

and coco won't eat her doggie parfait unless she's properly attired.

I'm so sorry, daddy.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Sure, although if it's for my platinum card,

that thing's long gone.

I've barely seen it since the day I said, "I do."

Let me get your take on something.

People always seem to want things from you

so what do you do when you set boundaries

and then people don't like you for it?

Sweetheart, it's tough at first,

but once you establish a pattern, people will respect you.

I wish I'd set boundaries when I met Dee.

Now she's shopping in the pacific for his and her islands.

Thanks, dad. That's what I needed to hear.

Hey, do you want to come in for something to drink?

I've got Yoo-hoo.

My girl.

Hi, baby.

Baby daddy.

Hey, Phyllis. Mona didn't say you were here.

Where else would she be?

Mona, now here's a rare example

of someone who doesn't want something from me.

I want you to move over. Does that count?

Phyllis, I'm serious.

You're the only person in my life

who has never taken a thing from me.

And that's the thing I'm most proud of.

Hey!

Oh, that and Mona.

That's a nice shoe.

I was just telling Dee, "you can have nice things on a budget."

Yeah, ma, that shoe is beautiful.

Where'd you get... get it?

You know, I have had enough of the compliments and the questions.

Can't a woman just visit her daughter

without being constantly talked to?

I can't believe Mona, after everything I've done for her,

constantly helping her with those ashy elbows and that untamed hair.

Well, I wouldn't stop doing that, dear.

The poor girl is 5 cats and one polyester caftan from turning into her mother.

And you did tell Mona to stop letting people use her.

I know, I said that, but it didn't apply to me.

Sisters are supposed to do anything for each other.

Dee Dee, as much as we like to blame others,

as is our tradition,

Mona hasn't done anything wrong.

Let me tell you a story.

The time, 1974.

The place, Betty's bargain barn.

Mother wasn't always rich, you know.

There was a time that i...

I do have class in half an hour.

Anyhoo...

My sister Vivian found the most stunning halter top

in chartreuse, and you know how mother's skin glows in chartreuse.

And I asked Vivian if I could have it, and she said no.

No, I could've begged, badgered,

pulled the fire alarm and ran off with it,

but I didn't, because I respected that Vivian said no.

She'd look fat in chartreuse, and I knew it.

But still,

I respected her boundaries. And you need to do the same with Mona.

You know, mom, your story really helps.

Now, realize my advice only pertains to sisters.

If your father tells me no while I'm shopping for matching minks

for me and coco, well, that's a whole 'nother story.

The time, last Friday.

The place...

Thank you.

Oh, there's my favorite customer.

Let's get you right into our special chair.

We even have toast points with beluga. Your favorite.

Actually I'm here to return these shoes.

The truth is, my half-pint husband thought they made too much noise

on the mansion floors.

I'll take care of everything.

Thanks.

Phyllis? Ha. What are you doing here?

Surely you haven't mistaken this luxurious shoe store

for the all-you-can eat waffle buffet?

See? Now you put me in the mood for waffles. Bye.

Oh, Mrs. Thorne, I found something that won't make any noise

on your mansion floors.

Ha ha ha. Mansion floors? She does not have mansion floors.

If you'll excuse me, I'm with a very important customer.

This customer has never purchased a pair of shoes

that weren't rubber, on sale or didn't come with a free pair of socks.

Ma'am, if you'd please wait your turn.

Young lady, I don't think you know who you are talking to.

If I hadn't just taken my afternoon Percocet, I'd have your job!

Oh, all right, all right.

Before things get ugly, the truth is, since we are both Mrs. Thornes,

Sasha mistook me for you and I just went along with it.

Don't you know the difference between burberry

and trench coat of undetermined fabric and origin?

I'm new?

And you have some serious kissing up to do.

I'd like to see the new mahnolos in every color and style.

Right away, Mrs. Thorne.

Hmm.

So I got a little carried away.

I never spent that much money on my feet before.

Aw, poor desperate Phyllis. Ha ha.

I understand why you did what you did.

Security!

Security?!

[Knock on the door]

Hey, Mona.

I brought you a gift.

Ohh!

A smelly candle in a beautiful... all right. What do you want?

I talked to my mom,

and after sitting through a fascinating tale about discount shopping,

I realized that I was wrong to try to force Quincy's demo on you.

I'm sorry.

Thanks, Dee Dee.

I want you to have boundaries with people, and I guess that means me, too.

Well, I think I got so pumped about standing up for myself that I might have overdone it.

But I don't want to be that way with my sister.

Eh, you're new at this.

The important thing is you took my advice

and it'll have a positive effect on your life.

Yeah... wait. Did you just compliment yourself?

No, I didn't.

Ok, fine. That's exactly what I did.

Here you go, all 600 bucks I owe you.

Thank you for respecting our friendship and my need to count the money

'cause I can't believe you're paying me back.

Well, it's all there.

See, I got small amounts from a lot of people

instead of a big amount from one person.

That way, no one misses it that much.

I borrowed from junebug, maceo, chauncy

and this girl at the club.

That explains all the greasy singles.

And this one has a phone number on it.

Ooh! I'm gonna need that one back.

Ooh Whoo! I'm about to hit it!

You owe me a dollar!

[Theme music playing]

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