All language subtitles for Half And Half s03e18 Doormat No More.eng

[Both laughing]

Phyllis. What
happened to your foot?

Oh, poor thing twisted her ankle
chasin' a single man up a tree.

I tripped over
the kitty litter box.

Dear, if I were you, I
would stick with my story.

Look at all these bags.

You been out shoppin' at
big, bad and unbearable?

Mother saw a cashmere sweater she
liked for me and got one in every color.

I even got one for Quincy,
the new guy I'm dating.

That was for him?

I thought that was for me.

Dad, please. It was a large.

They were having
this great special.

If you buy 20 sweaters,
you get one free.

Well, my mom gets the same deal.

Only instead of
cashmere, it's toilet paper.

Well, I think it's a waste
buying so much of one thing.

Unless it's something you need.
Like comfy cotton underwear.

Ooh. I just had a flashback
to our wedding night.

♪ Through this
journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding
you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have
someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become
whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I
feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Laughs]

Mm-mmm. Somethin' smells good.

How do you always know the
second I'm unwrapping food?

'Cause I'm gifted like that.

I also know when a girl with low
self-esteem has entered the building.

Great. Now even the deli
guy is slipping me demo cd's.

Unh. That's your boy.

[Imitates deli guy] Mona,
I love to make music.

Take me away from
my ham salad hell.

Can you believe this?

Before the talent search,
this happened occasionally.

But now demos don't just come
in the mail. They come in my lunch.

Speaking of lunch,

can I borrow some
money to buy some?

I'm takin' hilary in accounting out to the
taco hut, and I don't wanna look cheap.

You know, Spence, you
already owe me $600.

I can't believe
you're keepin' track.

You know, I don't keep track of
the money you borrow from me.

When have I ever
borrowed from you?

I don't know. I
don't keep track.

Pull harder. Harder.

Come on. Put some
muscle into it. [Gasps]

[Straining] Ok, now
I can't feel my legs.

You are really going all
out for your date with Quincy.

Well, Quincy is the perfect
relationship after Carter.

It's light and easy, and he
even plays the guitar in bed.

Is he any good?

Oh, is he.

Is he any good at guitar?

I can't hear when
his shirt is off.

He's sexy and ambitious,
and not only that,

he's a political
advisor to the mayor.

I'm finally gonna get a chance to sit
at table one at the black and white ball.

I can't wait to see daddy's face

when I'm waving at him
all the way back at table 32.

Oh, it'd be just like
the face he made

when he found your mom
drag racing the Aston Martin.

[Both gasp]

So what are you doin' tonight?

Oh, I'm hangin' out with
my good friend Mr. TiVo.

Oh, Mona. That's just sad.

Hey, I need a break from people.

Ever since I got this promotion,

everybody wants
something from me.

If it's not a waiter trying to
stick a demo cd into my pad Thai,

then it's Spencer
hitting me up for money.

Mona, you have been
complaining about this forever.

Your problem is, you never
set boundaries with people.

You have to learn to say no.

I say no all the time. Last week, I told
the waiter, "no anchovies in my salad."

And when he put anchovies
in your salad, what did you do?

Picked 'em out and
hid 'em in my broccoli,

which I also told
him I didn't want.

You see what I mean?

Listen, it's hard to
do. Especially when

you're dealing with someone
you're close to like Spencer.

But if you have the good
relationship you think you have,

he'll hear you when
you set him straight.

How come I never
thought of it like that?

'Cause if you did,
you'd put me out of a job.

[Knock on the door]

Quincy.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Mm.
- Mm.

This is my sister Mona.

Oh, nice to meet you, Mona.

- Hi.
- Come on in.

Why are you lookin'
at him like that?

Hey, Mr. TiVo's nice. But
he doesn't look like that.

Welcome to l'affair des feet.

Oh, don't waste your time.

I just wanna know how much
those shoes in the window are.

It's only my second
day, so I'll have to check.

I'll be right back, Mrs...

Thorne.

The Mrs. Thorne?

That's what my
driver's license says.

Along with the fake
weight I put on it.

Oh. You're the
reason I got this job.

After you bought the Gucci
slingbacks in every color,

your sales girl took her commission
and bought a house in Fiji.

Oh! You think i'm...

Here to shop...

And I am.

I like to buy lots of shoes to
compensate for my empty life.

Oh, please, take a seat
in our massage chair.

It will knead your cares away

so you can concentrate on
the important things in life...

Shoes and purses.

Ladies, please indulge
our special customer.

My name is Sasha, and I'll be right
back with that price, Mrs. Thorne.

Whatever, baby. Take your time.

[Whimpers] Oh.

Oh, work it, girl.

No problem. Bye.

Check out a brother's plan to
attract a better class of females.

Hmm. New jacket and tims.

I guess that means you have
the money to pay me back.

I've had this bad boy
on layaway for months,

and the sales girl said the leather
brings out the baby brown in my eyes.

And ya fell for that?

Lil' bit.

Spencer, I want the money
back that you owe me. All of it.

- You serious?
- Hell, yes, I'm serious,

and from now on, money
that's loaned is paid back.

But I don't have it. I spent
it on this sexy new look.

Well, then, say good-bye.

'Cause I'm repossessing
the sexy and the new.

But... shoes.

Oh, man.

Good thing, I left the
leather drawers at home.

This gown is perfect for
the black and white ball.

That is beautiful, baby.

It combines the classiness of Halle
Berry with the bold sexiness of j.Lo

between her second
and third marriage

when she was at an
all time fashion high.

You know, I, uh...
Stayed up all night

writin' a special song
for you, Dee Dee.

It's called, special
song for you, Dee Dee.

Aw. No one has ever
written a song for me before.

Except for the crazy guy
who lives in our dumpster.

But I'm not sure it
was only for me, really.

It was called, earthlings,
prepare for the onslaught.

You're really lost in
my azure blue soul?

Oh.

My dream is to be
a songwriter. But I...

Keep gettin' rejections
from music companies.

I just don't have
any connections.

Wait a minute.

Doesn't your sister
work for a record label?

Mm-hmm.

No, no. I... i couldn't.

Oh, sure you could.

Why don't I pass your
demo along to her?

Really? You'd do that for me?

Of course, I
would. It's nothing.

Well, it's everything to me.

Aw.

Ooh! That'd make a good
song title. I'm writin' that down.

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

These crab puffs are delicious.

Just like my maids make at home.

Wait till you see what
else we have in store.

Straight from the runway, cobbled
together from Costa Rican virgin cows,

and we only have them
left in one size... yours!

[Gasps] Aah!

I love 'em!

Oh, I don't care
how much they cost.

Damn! Look how much they cost!

But you're rich.

I am.

You're fabulous. So true.

You'll look 10 pounds
thinner. I'll take 'em!

I mean, I deserve them.

After all, it's not easy
running a mansion

and takin' care of my midget
husband and dog coco.

Oh, and the baby.

Oh, no need for that.

We'll just charge them
to the Thorne account.

Huh? Oh, right.
The Thorne account.

I love my Thorne account.

I also love these crab puffs.

Could ya stick a couple in the bag
with the shoes and I'll be on my way.

And don't forget
the dippin' sauce.

I hope you're happy.

Now I can't go out to lunch
'cause I don't have any shoes.

You can't go to lunch 'cause
you don't have any money.

- Hey, Spencer.
- Mm.

Aw, look at your
cute little socks.

Women. Always chippin'
away at a brother's soul.

Bye. Hey, Mona,

I brought you Quincy's demo cd.

I need you to give
him some feedback.

Right. Gotcha. No.

What do you mean, "no?"

Well, remember your pep
talk about drawing boundaries?

I am drawing them all over town.

I sent my burger back
'cause I ordered chicken,

I made the dry cleaner
honor my expired coupons,

and when ma invited
herself over for dinner at 7:00,

I told her "no." I
stood my ground.

Now she's coming over at 7:15.

So thanks for the advice.

You're welcome.

But you know what's just
as powerful as saying "no?"

Saying "yes." So here you go.

Oh, I got it. You're testing
me to see if I'll stick with it.

No, I'm not. Now here you go.

You know, I have to
say I'm very impressed.

You brought props
and everything.

But I am more impressed with me.

Because I'm not falling for it.

Mona, I'm not kidding.

I promised Quincy, and
I never break a promise

I make to a man who's taking
me to the black and white ball.

So just listen to this demo.

It'll take you 5 minutes.

It'll take me no minutes.
Because I'm not doing it.

And I can't believe that
you would seriously ask me.

And I can't believe that you
would seriously deny your sister.

My sister told me to say no

when I thought people
were taking advantage of me.

So I'm doing that. So you
can take your cd and go.

This is a very
unpleasant side of you.

I can't believe I got another
rejection letter from a record company.

A form letter no less!

It wasn't even signed, baby.

Quincy, I hate to
see you like this.

Just remember
how talented you are.

You're so supportive, Dee Dee.

[Sighs]

Maybe this will inspire
me to write a new song.

Oh.

I got nothin'.

I hope you don't mind if we
skip the black and white ball.

I just need to be
alone with my pain.

Really?

'Cause I read that
what's best for depression

is to be around
a lot of people...

Preferably in formal wear
while drinking champagne.

No, I don't want Arnold
and Maria to see me like this,

just cloaked in defeat.

Arnold and Maria at table one?

Um...

Quincy, you know,

I was planning to give you the great
news at the ball, but why not share it now?

Mona listened to your
demo and really loved it!

She did? Really?

Would I lie to you?

[Quincy] I'm glad you loved it.

Hey, Mona!

Uh, Mona has boundaries now
and doesn't want to be disturbed.

Mona, thanks for
listening to my cd.

I can't wait to
come to delicious.

Quincy! I never wanted you more.

Upstairs, quick!

Dee Dee, I told you I wasn't
going to listen to Quincy's cd.

That's not what you said.

Ok, fine, that's
exactly what you said.

You said she listened
to it and loved it.

That's not what I said.

Ok, fine, that's
exactly what I said.

Well, i f you can't even get your
own sister to listen to my demo,

I don't see a future
to this relationship.

So you were just using me
to further your own agenda?

That is beneath contempt!

That's what you were doing to
him to get to the black and white ball.

That is not what I was doing!

Ok, fine, that's exactly
what I was doing.

You were using me?

You were using me!

You used me first.

Suddenly you're
not as attractive.

You're done, Dee Dee.

Well, I was done first!

So how's it feel being used?

Oh, shut up!

Come on, Mona. I need
my jacket. It's cold outside!

Give me the $600 you owe
me and you'll be nice and warm.

Well, can't I rent it by
the hour? I'll give you a 20.

If you loan me a 20.

You know, I'd say you've
sunk to an all-time low,

but I've seen the
smiley face socks.

Tch!

Girl ain't budgin' today.

It's cold outside, Chester!

Get yourself a jacket.

Hey, daddy.

Ohh, what's up?

Well, apparently we left coco's
Thursday sweater at your sister's,

and coco won't eat her doggie
parfait unless she's properly attired.

I'm so sorry, daddy.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Sure, although if it's
for my platinum card,

that thing's long gone.

I've barely seen it since
the day I said, "I do."

Let me get your
take on something.

People always seem
to want things from you

so what do you do
when you set boundaries

and then people
don't like you for it?

Sweetheart, it's tough at first,

but once you establish a
pattern, people will respect you.

I wish I'd set boundaries
when I met Dee.

Now she's shopping in the
pacific for his and her islands.

Thanks, dad. That's
what I needed to hear.

Hey, do you want to come
in for something to drink?

I've got Yoo-hoo.

My girl.

Hi, baby.

Baby daddy.

Hey, Phyllis. Mona
didn't say you were here.

Where else would she be?

Mona, now here's a rare example

of someone who doesn't
want something from me.

I want you to move
over. Does that count?

Phyllis, I'm serious.

You're the only
person in my life

who has never
taken a thing from me.

And that's the thing
I'm most proud of.

Hey!

Oh, that and Mona.

That's a nice shoe.

I was just telling Dee, "you can
have nice things on a budget."

Yeah, ma, that
shoe is beautiful.

Where'd you get... get it?

You know, I have had enough of
the compliments and the questions.

Can't a woman just
visit her daughter

without being
constantly talked to?

I can't believe Mona, after
everything I've done for her,

constantly helping her with those
ashy elbows and that untamed hair.

Well, I wouldn't
stop doing that, dear.

The poor girl is 5 cats and one polyester
caftan from turning into her mother.

And you did tell Mona to
stop letting people use her.

I know, I said that,
but it didn't apply to me.

Sisters are supposed to
do anything for each other.

Dee Dee, as much as
we like to blame others,

as is our tradition,

Mona hasn't done anything wrong.

Let me tell you a story.

The time, 1974.

The place, Betty's bargain barn.

Mother wasn't
always rich, you know.

There was a time that i...

I do have class in half an hour.

Anyhoo...

My sister Vivian found
the most stunning halter top

in chartreuse, and you know how
mother's skin glows in chartreuse.

And I asked Vivian if I could
have it, and she said no.

No, I could've begged, badgered,

pulled the fire alarm
and ran off with it,

but I didn't, because I
respected that Vivian said no.

She'd look fat in
chartreuse, and I knew it.

But still,

I respected her boundaries. And
you need to do the same with Mona.

You know, mom,
your story really helps.

Now, realize my advice
only pertains to sisters.

If your father tells me no while
I'm shopping for matching minks

for me and coco, well,
that's a whole 'nother story.

The time, last Friday.

The place...

Thank you.

Oh, there's my
favorite customer.

Let's get you right
into our special chair.

We even have toast points
with beluga. Your favorite.

Actually I'm here to
return these shoes.

The truth is, my half-pint husband
thought they made too much noise

on the mansion floors.

I'll take care of everything.

Thanks.

Phyllis? Ha. What
are you doing here?

Surely you haven't mistaken
this luxurious shoe store

for the all-you-can
eat waffle buffet?

See? Now you put me in
the mood for waffles. Bye.

Oh, Mrs. Thorne, I found
something that won't make any noise

on your mansion floors.

Ha ha ha. Mansion floors? She
does not have mansion floors.

If you'll excuse me, I'm with
a very important customer.

This customer has never
purchased a pair of shoes

that weren't rubber, on sale or
didn't come with a free pair of socks.

Ma'am, if you'd
please wait your turn.

Young lady, I don't think you
know who you are talking to.

If I hadn't just taken my afternoon
Percocet, I'd have your job!

Oh, all right, all right.

Before things get ugly, the truth
is, since we are both Mrs. Thornes,

Sasha mistook me for you
and I just went along with it.

Don't you know the
difference between burberry

and trench coat of
undetermined fabric and origin?

I'm new?

And you have some
serious kissing up to do.

I'd like to see the new
mahnolos in every color and style.

Right away, Mrs. Thorne.

Hmm.

So I got a little carried away.

I never spent that much
money on my feet before.

Aw, poor desperate
Phyllis. Ha ha.

I understand why
you did what you did.

Security!

Security?!

[Knock on the door]

Hey, Mona.

I brought you a gift.

Ohh!

A smelly candle in a beautiful...
all right. What do you want?

I talked to my mom,

and after sitting through a fascinating
tale about discount shopping,

I realized that I was wrong to
try to force Quincy's demo on you.

I'm sorry.

Thanks, Dee Dee.

I want you to have boundaries with
people, and I guess that means me, too.

Well, I think I got so pumped about standing
up for myself that I might have overdone it.

But I don't want to be
that way with my sister.

Eh, you're new at this.

The important thing
is you took my advice

and it'll have a positive
effect on your life.

Yeah... wait. Did you
just compliment yourself?

No, I didn't.

Ok, fine. That's
exactly what I did.

Here you go, all
600 bucks I owe you.

Thank you for respecting our friendship
and my need to count the money

'cause I can't believe
you're paying me back.

Well, it's all there.

See, I got small amounts
from a lot of people

instead of a big
amount from one person.

That way, no one
misses it that much.

I borrowed from
junebug, maceo, chauncy

and this girl at the club.

That explains all
the greasy singles.

And this one has a
phone number on it.

Ooh! I'm gonna
need that one back.

Ooh Whoo! I'm about to hit it!

You owe me a dollar!

[Theme music playing]

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