Original subtitles

Well, if it isn't tall, dark and withered.

Thanks. Looks like you're fresh from the track.

I trust you held your own with the rest of the mares?

I'll have you know I just joined the spinning class.

Today was my first workout.

Heh. It is the only way

you'll ever hear heavy breathing again.

If memory serves, you don't hear it either.

I believe the pattern with Charles is

grunt, whimper, snore?

When he's with a real woman,

he doesn't try to get done so quickly.

Please. Once you pull off those eyelashes

and hang up your hair,

there's very little real woman left.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Laughs]

Is that a well-crafted masterpiece or what?

It simply takes my breath away.

The attention to detail, the realism...

Every time I look at it, I see something new.

What do you think, Mona?

Well...

Uh, I can see...

An interesting highlight pattern happening

around the, uh...

Ok, you know what? It looks like

the same hair I saw in the window

of the korean beauty supply place down the street.

But then, you know, I don't have an eye for wig art.

Clearly. Because mister Marcel

pours his soul into every style.

That's right. He does my hair, too.

Oh, honey. Don't forget about your appointment tomorrow.

Oh, and remember to bring him his soy latte

if you want him to use the good shampoo.

Extra hot, extra foam,

and I've cleared my calendar for the whole day.

Because like mister Marcel says,

both: Beauty has a schedule of its own.

Ah, a nice way of saying

you'll be sittin' under the dryer for 6 hours

readin' old issues of ebony.

Well, where else am I gonna read

about the current events of my people?

Did you know that Nelson and Winnie Mandela

are on the rocks?

Yes, and we're allowed to read and vote now, too.

You know, I just don't get

planning your whole life around your hairdresser.

Oh, Mona. This is mister Marcel.

He islife.

Now all I have to do is find an outfit

to go with my new hair.

Well, mom, what's the occasion?

I was just cast in a play as a social misfit

whose life has been plagued

by misfortune, sadness and shame.

But I'm not exactly sure where to turn for inspiration to...

Curly cue.

Tell me all about your childhood.

Wow, they're giving this woman new boobs,

a new nose, new lips, and a new set of teeth.

That is amazing.

You know, as a therapist,

I disagree with these radical makeovers.

Real change comes from inside.

That is the only way you will ever find true happiness.

[All laugh]

I almost convinced myself.

Ooh, commercial.

Refill on the popcorn.

Let's see what else is on.

Ok, but turn it right back.

I don't wanna miss the part where her kids cry

'cause they don't recognize "new mommy."

I can't believe you broke your foot.

Damn cats.

I forgot to scoop their kitty litter for 2 days

and they pushed the box into my path

in the middle of the night.

Hey.

Isn't that Dee Dee's ex man, Carter del toro?

He sure disappeared quick.

Must've met big girl.

I bet they're interviewing him about his book.

Turn the channel before Dee Dee sees and gets upset.

It's been 3 months. How long does it take that girl to heal?

I got over your father in a long weekend.

Dee Dee, look who's on TV!

Announcer: He sat down for this interview.

Carter?

So, Carter del toro, your latest book,

a bullet before bedtime is number one

on the New York times best seller list.

That has to feel great, huh?

Yes, it does.

I'm truly overwhelmed by the response.

Speaking of response, you certainly have a lot of it

from your female fans,

and the question on everyone's mind...

Is Carter del toro on or off the market?

Well, I don't really like talking about my personal life.

But I'm glad people are enjoying the book.

I see. Speaking of enjoying,

who does Carter del toro

enjoy spending his private time with?

You're not gonna give this up, are you?

[Laughs] Of course I will.

But speaking of giving it up,

who does Carter del toro...

Ok, ok, yes, yes.

I am seeing someone special.

Walk-down-the-aisle special

or park-down-the-block special?

Have you even read my book?

[Laughs] Oh, you...

Ok, that's enough of that.

I'm sorry, Dee Dee. I know it was hard

hearing that Carter's seeing someone else.

Did he say that?

I guess I was too distracted by his face powder.

It was a bit on the orangey side.

You don't have to be strong for us.

I'm fine. I'm just a little tired.

I'm gonna go now.

Bye.

Ok, maybe it was too soon for Dee Dee to see Carter.

Anyway, damage is done. Back to the boob job chick.

Oh, we missed it.

The kids are already runnin' away from her.

Hey, you still lookin'

for somethin' to do with Dee Dee to cheer her up?

Yeah, seeing Carter on TV last night hit her hard.

You got any ideas?

Well, when I need a boost,

I always drop by "girls, girls, girls."

Spencer.

My bad.

I mean, "ladies, ladies, ladies."

I'm sorry. When I said "ideas,"

I meant ones that weren't idiotic.

Shine and rise. Coffee's percolatin',

and the work day has officially begun.

The morning paper for your perusal.

Oh.

It's almost lunchtime.

This is last week's paper.

So it is. Oh, well, "a" for effort. What are we doing?

Looking for a Carter del toro diversion.

Ooh, I caught his interview last night.

How terrible was that?

I know. Dee Dee was crushed

when she heard he was dating someone.

I was talkin' about his face powder.

A bit on the orangey side.

But, of course, Dee Dee's welfare

was first and foremost on my mind.

Yeah, I'm sure it was.

Hey! Do you want me to put out my feelers

and find out who Carter's new whore is?

I can do it. I know people.

And just for fun, we can harass her and make her cry.

Who's in?

No one. I've been nursing Dee Dee

through this break-up for months,

and she's finally feeling better.

So I'm not gonna let this turn into another excuse

for her to lay in bed eating 1/2 a bag

of reduced fat soy chips.

That's big for her.

I know what will cheer Dee Dee up.

A night out with me at my favorite boy bar.

There's nothing like a room full of sweaty men

dancing in net shirts and leather chaps

to make her feel good about herself.

You know, when she said "ideas,"

she meant ones that weren't idiotic.

Hey, you know, I've heard Dee Dee

talk about this photographer before.

She's having a showing tonight, and it's perfect.

Pretentious art for her.

Free wine and cheese for me.

I like wine and cheese.

And I like free.

And I like an empty office. Get out.

Mona, thanks for getting me out tonight.

Yeah. Let's just have a good time.

Ooh, starting with the vino.

Hmm, a picture of some blurry fruit.

Man, I wouldn't pay 18 bucks for that.

It's a flower. And it's 1,800.

Man, that's the best hustle I've seen

since my cousin shay shay was selling tube socks

and Internet service out of his trunk.

This place bores me.

I was hopeful when I saw the initials on the door,

then I realized it stood for fine arts gallery.

I'm going out for a smoke.

Composition on this is incredible.

Look how the objects in the foreground

heighten the depth of field.

Yeah. That tree looks big.

Dee Dee, did I tell you

your hair looks especially fabu this evening.

Can I touch it? Thanks.

It's the magic of mister Marcel.

Carter's here.

What? Where?

It's so silky. I want to roll around naked in it.

He was just in the hall.

And it smells so sweet.

What is that, hyacinth, tuberose?

I think it's Jasmine.

What should we do? I don't know.

I can't stroke and think at the same time.

Oh, Dee Dee, let's go.

I'm not feeling so good.

Me, neither. Must be something in the spicy Jack.

Well, I feel fine.

Carter.

Dee Dee.

Carter. Mona.

Carter. who are you?

It doesn't matter.

I just don't like being left out.

It's good to see you. You look well.

Thanks. You look well yourself.

If I see his whore, I'm taking her down.

So, it was good seeing everyone.

Enjoy your evening.

Sorry. We tried to get you out bef...

It's ok. I just need a moment alone.

I'm going to find the ladies' room.

Oh, of all the spots in the city,

I would pick the one place where Carter shows up.

Don't beat yourself up about it, hon.

Of all the spots in the city,

you picked the one place where Carter shows up.

Thanks, Spence.

Well, on the bright side,

it would've been worse if we ran into him at the strip club.

Hey, Adam.

Someone paid 5,000 bucks for one of this chick's pictures.

I think photography's gonna be my new hobby.

If you need a model, I posed for underwear ads in college.

I had the second most popular crotch in the Sunday circulars.

Shawn Boston had the most popular,

but everybody knows he stuffed.

Have you guys seen Dee Dee? She's not in the bathroom.

Maybe she took a cab home.

Without telling me? That's not like her.

Why would she leave? They just put out fresh cheddar.

I'm gonna go look for her.

[Moaning]

Dee Dee?

Dee Dee!

Mona. Carter!

Ok, saying each other's names

every time we have an awkward moment

actually makes it more awkward.

It might be a tad less so if I could just re-hook my bra.

Carter, you just announced on national television

that you're seeing someone special,

and here you are tonguing down my sister?

Come on, Dee Dee, let's go. This is not your fault.

You were vulnerable and horny,

and that is a recipe for ho-cake.

Mona, wait.

What? You can fix your bra in the car.

No, no, no, no. Mona, I am the someone special.

Oh, of course you are. You're very special.

Now, come on, let's go. Don't embarrass yourself.

Mona, listen.

Dee Dee and I have been seeing each other for over a month.

You mean... yeah.

So, all this time, you two have been...

Pretty much. And you just let me...

I know. Oh, thanks a lot, Dee Dee.

Ok, I don't know what you two just said,

but I'm guessing you're gonna need a ride home.

You know, if this photography thing's gonna pay off,

I'm gonna need a lot of practice.

Right there, babe.

Yeah.

You know, Dee Dee has got some nerve.

I was a good sister to her.

All her misery over Carter, I was there for her and i...

Hold it!

Where was I?

You were there for her.

I was there for her.

And this is the thanks that I get?

I mean... [Knock on door]

Ooh, I'm gonna call this one, sister kills sister.

And... fight!

Go home!

That's cool. I only have 2 shots left anyway.

Make that one shot.

Mona, I'm sorry I lied.

But too many people got involved

in my relationship with Carter before.

That's a big reason we broke up.

So we wanted to keep it private.

Oh, that explains why you were making out

at a public art gallery.

I told Carter I was going to be there,

and he thought it would be fun to drop by

and cuddle up on some cashmere,

but then you guys saw him,

and things didn't go as planned...

And before you knew it,

you were freaking each other behind a curtain.

No!

Well, yeah.

So you just let me make a fool out of myself all this time,

taking care of you, checking on you?

I made you soup!

All the stuff you did really helped.

And the heartburn I got from your soup

kept my mind off of Carter for weeks.

But then he called to say hi.

And we met for an innocent cup of coffee...

And next thing you know, your clothes fell off

and you were in bed together.

No!

Well, yeah.

But we didn't make it to the bed.

Look, I like Carter.

But it took a lot for you to get over him.

But it's different this time.

His kids don't even know about us,

which is hard because I adore them,

but it's better this way.

We're just keeping things fun and casual.

You don't do casual.

Well, I'm doing it now.

I think this is dangerous for you.

You were totally in love with this guy,

and if you think you can get back in it without getting hurt,

you're wrong.

This is exactly why I didn't tell you about him.

Fine. But when this blows up in your face,

I'm not gonna be there to help you pick up the pieces again.

Good. Because I don't need you to.

Damn!

Could you come out again?

I forgot to twist the fast forward thingy.

You look good when you mad. Hold on.

I hope you bought a lot of those.

I had 4, but Kai smashed one

after I took a picture of her smacking Dave upside the head

for eating the last tootsie pop.

Oh, too bad for Dave.

Especially since I'm the one who ate it.

Incoming scoop. I was at lunch gossiping about Carter

and how we all thought he had a new whore,

but it turned out the whore was just Dee Dee and...

Man, what do you do,

go to lunch and gossip every day?

Not when I can get me some lunchtime lovin'.

Anyway, when I mentioned Carter,

my friend said that his boyfriend's sister

is the receptionist at Carter's publishing company.

She's also sleeping with an editor, an intern,

and a night security guard, but I digress.

She happens to know that Carter's book,

the killer wears a kimono,

is being turned into a miniseries,

and he's moving to Japan for a year, maybe more.

Wow, that's not good.

I know. The leads have already been cast,

and I didn't even get an audition

for the role of Mr. Fujiyama,

the mysterious businessman with a smile that hides his cruelty.

So I'm staying out of Dee Dee's mess this time,

and I'm definitely not making soup.

You are not staying out of this.

When it comes to family,

even if they keep running into the same old storm,

you've gotta be standing there

holding the umbrella when they come back.

Well, my arm is tired.

Hey, haven't I always been there for you

and your disastrous love life?

Lord knows, it's worn me down to a nub.

But I'm still here.

And the last thing you needed to hear

was "I told you so."

I believe you coined the phrase.

Well, I'm the mama. I earned it.

[Knock knock]

Life is so unfair.

I can't believe he's leaving.

Well, Mona is here to listen.

No notice. No warning.

Just "bye. I'm moving to Aspen."

Aspen?

Yeah, that's where mister Marcel

is opening his new salon.

He's leaving tonight.

He didn't even straighten out my edges

before he got on the plane.

Oh, so you're not talkin' about car... toons.

Why would I be talking about cartoons?

Well, you know, 'cause sometimes

you like to talk about 'em.

No, I don't.

Then why are we talking about them?

Look, I just came by to say

if you hear a blood curdling scream,

don't call the police.

It's just me breaking the news to my mother.

Oh, she doesn't even know about Carter yet.

This is bad.

Not as bad as this itch on my instep.

Go get me a barbecue fork.

Big Dee Dee. Not now, Phyllis.

I'm hardly in the mood for you

and your synthetic fibers.

Well, I'll leave you alone

since your wig man left you high and dry.

Mister Marcel?

Left where?

To open a salon in Aspen.

Didn't Dee Dee tell you?

She said she wanted to talk to me

about something of great concern.

I mean, my mind went to pregnant

or hooked on pain killers...

Not something as horrendous as this!

Well, I just lucked into that one.

[Pounding] Dee Dee, Dee Dee,

Dee Dee!!!

[Knocks]

So when exactly are you planning on telling Dee Dee

you're going to Japan?

Good evening, Mona, and welcome to my home.

Sorry. Hi. Love what you've done with the place.

Answer the question.

First of all, that isn't even public information.

So how do you know that?

I know people... People who gossip

over lunchtime vodka smoothies.

I didn't wanna say anything about my movie

until it was final,

and then I was gonna tell Dee Dee today.

But she was so broken up over mister Marcel,

and I know not to upset a woman

when she's havin' a bad hair day.

Look, it's best to just be honest with Dee Dee.

But don't tell her that I knew before she did

or that I came over here or that I snuck into her apartment

and stole her palm pilot...

Please, don't tell me any more.

But since we're kind of being honest,

I will admit I have been avoiding

this conversation with Dee Dee

because I know how hard it's gonna be.

Yeah. She puts on a good act.

But she's in pretty deep.

I'm not just talkin' about Dee Dee.

I knew we were just fooling ourselves

with this whole casual thing.

Love makes you kinda stupid.

I'm learning that.

I can't ask her to go to Japan with me.

'Cause we're not ready for that.

And I can't ask her to put her life on hold

while I'm over there.

Then I think you should talk to her.

Let her know the deal.

You're right.

I'll see her tonight.

You're a good sister, Mona...

Aside from the lying,

breaking and entering and theft.

Thanks. And hey,

if any man had to rip out my sister's heart

and turn her into a blubbering mess,

I'm glad it was you.

Thanks.

Hey. About those people you know...

I bet it was that receptionist.

I heard she's sleeping with one of the editors.

Sorry. I never reveal my sources...

And it's not just an editor. Ah!

♪ Fear the rising sun ♪

♪ surrounded by everything I want ♪ [Knock on door]

♪ But nothing that I need ♪

♪ I was blinded by the uncertainty ♪

♪ losing all my dignity ♪

♪ sometimes what you fear the most is what you need ♪

♪ to find that road ♪

♪ try to round that curve, a lesson learned ♪

♪ now that I have the eyes to see ♪

This isn't about mister Marcel, right?

♪ A hurricane ♪

♪ is sometimes the only way ♪

♪ to wash away the pain ♪

So you two are actually flying to Aspen

to see mister Marcel?

Yep. It's part of my healing process from Carter.

Plus, we figured why let 1,100 miles

come between us and our full potential.

And daddy got sick of hearing mother cry herself to sleep.

Ooh! Well, glamour calls. Ooh!

Our appointment's in 8 hours.

Oh! We're cutting it close! Bye! Bye!

Can you believe the Dee dees?

They obsess over the most trivial things.

Oh, lord! Cheesy burger is going out of business.

No notice, no warnin', nothin'! Just gone!

What?! You can't take away

one of the greatest comforts known to man.

I mean, where am I gonna get

my extra thick chocolate shakes at 3:00 A.M.?!

You know, somethin' has got to be done about this foolishness.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm callin' my congress person.

Forget that. I'm e-mailing Colin Powell.

Does he still work for us?

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