All language subtitles for Half And Half s03e14 Performance Anxiety.eng

- [Knock on door]
- Good news, girls.

I've picked up the programs
for my musical review.

Grab a pen, Dee.

Mother needs to
practice her autograph.

Mom's show opens on Saturday.

"Black diamonds: The history
of upper-class African Americans

through song and dance."

That's a history I've
never been a part of.

Then you can thank
Phyllis for that, and little else.

Now, Daisy blossom, I
expect you to be there.

And could you tie your hair back

so the people behind you
can actually see the stage?

Sorry. My big hair and I will be out
of town all weekend on a work retreat.

First your father will
be out of town, now you.

No one supports my dreams.

Or your drama.

Don't worry, mom. I'll be there,

along with your two maids
who understand English.

Big Dee Dee, I think it's
amazing what you've done.

I mean, there must have been
hundreds of actresses up for this part,

but you got it.

All it takes is talent
and star presence.

Plus mother rented the theater
and financed the whole production.

And I got the money out of your
father, which is a talent in itself.

♪ Through this
journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding
you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have
someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become
whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I
feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Hey, baby. What'cha doing?

Packing for my retreat.

Any chance you can get
your mom in that duffle bag?

I could use a retreat now that
I don't have a man no more.

Sorry. Delicious employees only.

But it's gonna be so much
fun bonding, sunbathing.

I found a swimsuit
that slims my waist,

hikes up my butt and
gives me the perfect body.

As long as I don't
breathe or swallow.

- Oh, hey, Phyllis.
- Hey.

Mona, look at this.

Kyle barker is going to
be my mother's co-star.

Hello! Kyle barker.

Married to Maxine Shaw.

Maxine Shaw! The most
amazing attorney on the planet,

the female Johnnie Cochran
who has five law offices,

the reason I decided
to go to law school.

Don't you ever listen
to me when I'm talking?

[In unison] No. Not
really. Not so much.

She's my idol.

For years, I've been trying to get
my Jimmy choos back in her door.

I know this will
shock you, Mona,

but there was a time
in my life that I fa...

Fai...

I failed at something.

Are you ashamed to look at me?

Not for the reasons you think.

Out of all the first years,

I was picked for a
sit-down with Maxine Shaw.

I knew that if she liked me,

I could turn that
into a position,

which would be like leaping
10 years up the lawyer ladder.

Still waiting for
that failure part.

She fails at brevity.

When I sat down for
my sit-down, I choked.

I guess when faced with realizing
my dreams, I became a babbling idiot.

But now, thanks to my mom, I can get
to Maxine again through her husband.

Don't you see? Fate has stepped
in to give me a second chance.

Well, that was a
yawn of a story.

Now tell me, who's the freak in the
glitter hot pants with the giant afro wig?

Oh, that's my mother
as Angela Davis

in the sistah's got
the power medley.

Oh, I'm gonna need 5 of these.

Oh, you're bringing friends?

No. One for each litter box.

Sweetheart, what
are you doing here?

Well, I know how you were
feeling abandoned by your family,

so I decided to host an opening
night gathering at my place.

Oh, Dee Dee, you
don't have to do that.

But if you insist, have
10 different appetizers,

valet parking, and an ice
sculpture of me as Aphrodite.

What are you talking about?

There's my co-star Kyle barker
and his aggressive bulldog of a wife.

Yeah, she's some
sort of hoity-toity lawyer,

and you know how I
just loath uppity types.

A lawyer. Really?

Well, I guess I should introduce
myself. You know, so I'm not rude.

All right, dear.

I've got a meeting to go
over some documents tonight,

so Kyla should just
stay at your place.

Ohh. I'm always delighted to spend time
with my seed, my little cherub, my progeny.

You never could
just keep it simple.

Dad, I'm gonna need two hours
of play time before homework,

some chocolate chip cookies,

and a 15% increase
in my living expenses.

And that's not negotiable.

There better be some fresh
donuts on that snack table.

[Scoffs]

The child has two parents.

What cosmic misfortune caused
me to have to raise a mini-she?

At least she's not experiencing
some mid-life crisis in the theater.

Although it's clearly
working out for you, hon.

This place must
hold, what, 50 people?

And your support is
my reason for breathing.

Rehearsal beckons. Bye-bye.

Maxine Shaw?

Yes. I am.

Maxine Shaw, I just want...

Maxine Shaw, I just...

Maxine Shaw, i...

Max.

Hi.

I'm a little frightened
you know my name.

Luckily, I have mace in my
purse. Don't make me use it.

[Music playing]

What's up, everybody?

Oh, my god, this
suite is beautiful.

No wonder Dee
Dee loves being rich.

And have you seen the
list of spa treatments?

They even have
hot stone massage.

Wow. I don't
know how it's legal,

but those are two
of my favorite things.

This is the room I
was born to be in.

Or Johnny Depp's bedroom.

Oh, look. Steam's coming off
the pool. It must be 100 degrees.

And full of bacteria.

Maybe I'll just put my feet
in. Can I borrow some socks?

How am I supposed to work up
here when there are babes down there

waiting to be slathered
in suntan lotion?

Hey, ladies!

[Kiss]

Yeah, I don't know how Kai thinks
we're gonna come up with marketing plans

with all these distractions.

Oh! Chocolate-covered
distractions.

Look. The robe I
was born to be in.

Take that off.

I don't have anything
on underneath, but ok.

[All] Leave it on!

[Beep]

Hey, it's a fax from Kai.

"Attention, lucky people
who work for me...

"I'm stuck in Philly trying to
get adoniss off his tour bus,

"so I won't be
attending the retreat.

"But you know what
needs to be done.

I'm putting Mona in charge."

- Me?
- [All cheer]

Sweet. Meet you
in the hot tub in ten.

Wait, wait, wait.
We have work to do.

And just because Kai's not here
doesn't mean we can goof off.

I think that's exactly
what it means.

No, what it means is we're
staying in here until the work is done.

I wouldn't have come if
I'd known I had to work.

Robe check! Robe check!

[Music playing]

♪ If my friend ♪

♪ ain't got no money ♪

♪ and I say, "take
all of mine, honey" ♪

♪ t'ain't nobody's business ♪

♪ if I do ♪

♪ if I give her my last nickel ♪

♪ and it leaves me in a pickle ♪

♪ t'ain't your business
and t'ain't her business ♪

♪ t'ain't his business,
t'ain't her business ♪

- ♪ t'ain't ♪
- ♪ t'ain't ♪

- ♪ no ♪
- ♪ no ♪

Both: ♪ body's business ♪

♪ if I do ♪

♪ do do do-Yoo do-boo De-Yoo ♪

♪ oh ♪

♪ yeah ♪

[Grunts]

You were fabulous! [Laughing]

The man's intolerable.

What do you mean? He was great.

I've had enough
of his upstaging me,

and his James Earl
Jones wannabe voice.

It's maddening!

Well, why don't you talk to the
director? I'm sure he can help you.

I'd hate for you to
ruin this chance for me.

I mean, for you.

Of course. Talk to the director.

He'll straighten out
that basso idioso.

[Slurping through straw]

Maxine Shaw.

You again?

Your stammering scared my
kid, and she doesn't scare easily.

She knows the story
of her conception.

Your husband has
an amazing voice.

He's not my husband.
That's a vicious rumor.

We're engaged, hence the ring,

and he's also my neighbor who
followed me here from New York.

He's the father of my child...
long story. Why am I talking to you?

Because I'm a good ear.

Dee Dee Thorne, third-year
law student at boalt, and...

Top of my class

and president of the student
association of trial lawyers.

You know, you look familiar.

Have I seen you
at the firing range?

Um, no. We've never met,

but I have studied
every one of your cases.

I even bought the
same Prada suit

you closed the
Fernandez murder trial in.

And... I'm sorry about earlier,

but it was just the thrill of meeting
someone I respect so much.

Here, these are for you.

Thanks.

It's flattering to have a fan.

But in the future, if you're
thinking of me, think hickory farms.

Not the cheese. The meat.

Oh, god.

I know that look.

Look, I'd like to talk more about
you, but, uh, after the premiere.

- We'll do this.
- Oh, that'd be great.

I will be in my dressing room,

seething.

Such a prima Donna.

But so damn sexy.

Mom, I think things
are beginning to look up.

You bet they are.
I took your advice

and I explained to the director

that Dee Dee Thorne does
not finance her own aggravation.

And thusly that divo
Kyle barker has been fired.

What?

And it's all thanks to you. Heh.

Now she listens to me!

I can't believe we're
trapped in here.

Every time I hear somebody jump into
the pool downstairs, I die a little inside.

Ok, focus.

Now, we are going to need unique
marketing plans for each artist.

Let's go big with it!

I'm thinking billboard, vh-1
mtv, drive-time radio spots.

What do you guys think?

[All unenthusiastically]
Billboards, yes.

Drive-in, great.

Hey, who ate all
the fancy cheese

wrapped in tasty
vegetables I never heard of?

Spencer, Kai put
me in charge here,

and I really need
you to back me up.

Besides, the faster
we get the work done,

the faster we can
get to the hot tubbing.

You're right.

I'm sorry, Mona.

Ok, people, listen up!

We need to do this work
and we need to do it now!

It's not Mona's fault she's
suckin' the fun out of the room.

Thank you, Spencer.

I'm here for you, girl.

Ooh! They just pulled
the pig out of the luau pit.

Mona: Hey, you guys! You
guys, we have got to get this done!

Ok, but after lunch,
we are working!

I'm still here for you, girl.

Just go.

Yes!

"Mona, still stuck in Philly.

Hope you've got
everyone working hard."

- [Splash]
- [All] Whoo!

Does working on a tan count?

[Knock on door]

Hey, Phyllis, i...

Mona ain't home, I'm
lonely, and I got lasagna.

It smells incredible.

And it tastes even better,
so loosen up those tight jeans

and get ready to eat
like nobody's watching.

Oh, my god! Phyllis,
this is delicious.

Cooking separates good
mothers from bad mothers.

My mom hasn't
cooked in, like, 25 years.

What did I just say?

I should've seen that coming,
but, I'm on a mozzarella high.

Wow! You are taking
to that lasagna like a pro.

Is there something
bothering you?

Remember Maxine Shaw?
My big second chance?

Well, I blew it again.

Well, don't feel bad.

Mona's blown tons of
opportunities, but look at her now.

She's vice president
of a record label.

Of course, she still
doesn't have a man,

but there's some boulders
you just can't push uphill.

[Cell phone rings]

[Snickering]

Hello.

Oh, hi, baby. What's going on?

This retreat is a nightmare.

Mona's blowin' it again.

Mona: Nobody's listening to me.

All they want to do is eat
pig and get rubbed with rocks.

Well, I would say that's what
you get for not taking your mama,

but I won't because I'm
more sensitive than that.

I just... I don't
know what to do.

Mona, remember a sweet little
girl who refused to go to school

because kids made
fun of her eye patch?

And you said, "it's not
how many eyes you have,

it's the love you
have in your heart."

And thank god you
bought that crap,

'cause I needed you to get on that
school bus so I could get to the track.

Ma, did they have child
protective services back then?

The point is if you
want people to listen,

you have to tell them
what they need to hear.

That is great advice, ma.

I think I'll actually
take it this time. Bye.

Of course! Simple
manipulation. That's brilliant!

Now, when the
show's over tonight,

I want you and the maids
to lead the standing ovation.

But don't jump up too
quickly. That'll be too obvious.

You know, mom, after
seeing the dress rehearsal,

I think replacing Kyle
barker with the understudy

was definitely the right choice.

I think so, too, dear.

I mean, the
understudy is so good.

And so young-looking.

We do have that in common. Ha.

How young?

It was weird. When Kyle was on stage,
you seemed so much larger than life,

but with the understudy, it
was much more balanced.

Oh, really?

Interesting.

You know, I have
been feeling a bit guilty

about the way I
disposed of Kyle.

I mean, he deserves one
more shot at the spotlight

before nature drops its sad,
gray curtain on him, hmm?

I marvel at your ability
to always think of others.

I just look like I'm thinking
of others, dear. It's acting.

This better be good! I
cut my spa treatment short.

My pores are wide open
and staring daggers at you.

I thought I would treat
everyone to happy hour,

so I ordered up some appetizers
and champagne. Thank you.

You know, cause
I thought about it,

and I am not Kai, so we're here at this
beautiful resort, and we should live it up.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

I knew you were one of us, Mona.

That's right. So
enjoy. The bar is open.

Incoming fax, Mona.

Hey, not my problem.
I'm on vacation now.

It's from Kai.

"What the hell is going on?

"The hotel manager says the spa
and bar tabs are through the roof.

"If the marketing plans aren't
done by the time I get back,

"you people who
work for me will be

the people who
used to work for me."

[All gasping]

You know what this means.

Of course. But just to be sure,

why don't you tell me
what you think it means?

It means we better get to work

before we don't have
any work to go to.

And I knew Dee
Dee Thorne was back

when I saw the standing ovation.

Though the elderly section
was a little slow to rise.

Thank you so much for coming.

Kyle, you were
fantastic tonight.

Hmm, yes, I was.

Even through the agony of
your mother's tenth curtain call.

Kyle, be a good little baritone,
get me a drop of scotch.

Oh, goodie. We get to play the
star and the mean drunk again.

You know, Maxine, I have
a little confession to make.

You and I did meet.

I had an interview with
you and it was horrible.

I mean, I was horrible, not you.

I was wondering when you
were going to own up to that.

You knew?

A good lawyer
never forgets a face.

Especially one that's seconds away from
throwing up on my executive zen garden.

And look at you know you now.

Holding your food down, actually
speaking in complete sentences.

Yeah, you've come a long way.

Well, I wasn't
going to do anything

to mess up my second
chance with you.

I even got my mother to rehire
Kyle after their little blow-up.

So you're to blame
for this debacle?

Blame? What do you mean "blame"?

That man was about to
give up all this nonsense

and get his ass back to
wall street where it belongs.

Now he's recommitted
to this foolishness,

and I'm left having to sit
through more productions of

my legs too short
to run from the man.

I just...

Just nothing!

What you did proves that you're
not ready to be one of my lawyers.

One of the cardinal rules
of being an attorney is

never ask a question you don't
already know the answer to.

You did all this to
get in good with me,

but you never even considered all
the possibilities and all the outcomes.

Well, how was I supposed
to know that a wife

wouldn't want to emotionally
support her husband?

He's not my husband!

And that's another reason why
you won't be one of my lawyers.

[Whispers] You don't listen.

[Dee Dee] Ahem!
Attention, everyone! A toast.

First to me,

who is one step closer to the
bright lights of Broadway. Ha ha.

But mostly to my daughter,
who has stood by my side.

You mean more to
me than the world.

Thank you, dear.

You're welcome, mom.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
some lasagna in my bedroom.

And I am never
listening to Phyllis again.

And I thought this evening
couldn't get any better.

Ha ha!

And done.

All right! That's it.
All 5 marketing plans.

That'll put a smile
on Kai's face.

Well, maybe not on her
face, but on the inside.

Well, now that we're finished,

I have something to confess.

Me, too.

I've got the clock
radio in my suitcase.

It took me an hour to
unscrew it from the nightstand,

and after all that work,

I had to take it.

I meant the last fax.

Kai didn't send it.

I did.

- What?
- Aww.

Well, you guys made me do it
because you wouldn't listen to me,

and, yeah, I would like
to be one of the gang,

but I have responsibilities now,

and I didn't come this far
for y'all to take me down.

That's not what we
were trying to do.

Well, it sure felt like it.

Sorry, Mona.

[Spencer] Yeah. Me, too.

I just can't believe
you lied to us.

Yeah. I feel so dirty. So used.

So impressed. Good job.

Hugs!

[All] Close your robe!

[Theme music playing]

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