Original subtitles

- [Knock on door] - Good news, girls.

I've picked up the programs for my musical review.

Grab a pen, Dee.

Mother needs to practice her autograph.

Mom's show opens on Saturday.

"Black diamonds: The history of upper-class African Americans

through song and dance."

That's a history I've never been a part of.

Then you can thank Phyllis for that, and little else.

Now, Daisy blossom, I expect you to be there.

And could you tie your hair back

so the people behind you can actually see the stage?

Sorry. My big hair and I will be out of town all weekend on a work retreat.

First your father will be out of town, now you.

No one supports my dreams.

Or your drama.

Don't worry, mom. I'll be there,

along with your two maids who understand English.

Big Dee Dee, I think it's amazing what you've done.

I mean, there must have been hundreds of actresses up for this part,

but you got it.

All it takes is talent and star presence.

Plus mother rented the theater and financed the whole production.

And I got the money out of your father, which is a talent in itself.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Hey, baby. What'cha doing?

Packing for my retreat.

Any chance you can get your mom in that duffle bag?

I could use a retreat now that I don't have a man no more.

Sorry. Delicious employees only.

But it's gonna be so much fun bonding, sunbathing.

I found a swimsuit that slims my waist,

hikes up my butt and gives me the perfect body.

As long as I don't breathe or swallow.

- Oh, hey, Phyllis. - Hey.

Mona, look at this.

Kyle barker is going to be my mother's co-star.

Hello! Kyle barker.

Married to Maxine Shaw.

Maxine Shaw! The most amazing attorney on the planet,

the female Johnnie Cochran who has five law offices,

the reason I decided to go to law school.

Don't you ever listen to me when I'm talking?

[In unison] No. Not really. Not so much.

She's my idol.

For years, I've been trying to get my Jimmy choos back in her door.

I know this will shock you, Mona,

but there was a time in my life that I fa...

Fai...

I failed at something.

Are you ashamed to look at me?

Not for the reasons you think.

Out of all the first years,

I was picked for a sit-down with Maxine Shaw.

I knew that if she liked me,

I could turn that into a position,

which would be like leaping 10 years up the lawyer ladder.

Still waiting for that failure part.

She fails at brevity.

When I sat down for my sit-down, I choked.

I guess when faced with realizing my dreams, I became a babbling idiot.

But now, thanks to my mom, I can get to Maxine again through her husband.

Don't you see? Fate has stepped in to give me a second chance.

Well, that was a yawn of a story.

Now tell me, who's the freak in the glitter hot pants with the giant afro wig?

Oh, that's my mother as Angela Davis

in the sistah's got the power medley.

Oh, I'm gonna need 5 of these.

Oh, you're bringing friends?

No. One for each litter box.

Sweetheart, what are you doing here?

Well, I know how you were feeling abandoned by your family,

so I decided to host an opening night gathering at my place.

Oh, Dee Dee, you don't have to do that.

But if you insist, have 10 different appetizers,

valet parking, and an ice sculpture of me as Aphrodite.

What are you talking about?

There's my co-star Kyle barker and his aggressive bulldog of a wife.

Yeah, she's some sort of hoity-toity lawyer,

and you know how I just loath uppity types.

A lawyer. Really?

Well, I guess I should introduce myself. You know, so I'm not rude.

All right, dear.

I've got a meeting to go over some documents tonight,

so Kyla should just stay at your place.

Ohh. I'm always delighted to spend time with my seed, my little cherub, my progeny.

You never could just keep it simple.

Dad, I'm gonna need two hours of play time before homework,

some chocolate chip cookies,

and a 15% increase in my living expenses.

And that's not negotiable.

There better be some fresh donuts on that snack table.

[Scoffs]

The child has two parents.

What cosmic misfortune caused me to have to raise a mini-she?

At least she's not experiencing some mid-life crisis in the theater.

Although it's clearly working out for you, hon.

This place must hold, what, 50 people?

And your support is my reason for breathing.

Rehearsal beckons. Bye-bye.

Maxine Shaw?

Yes. I am.

Maxine Shaw, I just want...

Maxine Shaw, I just...

Maxine Shaw, i...

Max.

Hi.

I'm a little frightened you know my name.

Luckily, I have mace in my purse. Don't make me use it.

[Music playing]

What's up, everybody?

Oh, my god, this suite is beautiful.

No wonder Dee Dee loves being rich.

And have you seen the list of spa treatments?

They even have hot stone massage.

Wow. I don't know how it's legal,

but those are two of my favorite things.

This is the room I was born to be in.

Or Johnny Depp's bedroom.

Oh, look. Steam's coming off the pool. It must be 100 degrees.

And full of bacteria.

Maybe I'll just put my feet in. Can I borrow some socks?

How am I supposed to work up here when there are babes down there

waiting to be slathered in suntan lotion?

Hey, ladies!

[Kiss]

Yeah, I don't know how Kai thinks we're gonna come up with marketing plans

with all these distractions.

Oh! Chocolate-covered distractions.

Look. The robe I was born to be in.

Take that off.

I don't have anything on underneath, but ok.

[All] Leave it on!

[Beep]

Hey, it's a fax from Kai.

"Attention, lucky people who work for me...

"I'm stuck in Philly trying to get adoniss off his tour bus,

"so I won't be attending the retreat.

"But you know what needs to be done.

I'm putting Mona in charge."

- Me? - [All cheer]

Sweet. Meet you in the hot tub in ten.

Wait, wait, wait. We have work to do.

And just because Kai's not here doesn't mean we can goof off.

I think that's exactly what it means.

No, what it means is we're staying in here until the work is done.

I wouldn't have come if I'd known I had to work.

Robe check! Robe check!

[Music playing]

♪ If my friend ♪

♪ ain't got no money ♪

♪ and I say, "take all of mine, honey" ♪

♪ t'ain't nobody's business ♪

♪ if I do ♪

♪ if I give her my last nickel ♪

♪ and it leaves me in a pickle ♪

♪ t'ain't your business and t'ain't her business ♪

♪ t'ain't his business, t'ain't her business ♪

- ♪ t'ain't ♪ - ♪ t'ain't ♪

- ♪ no ♪ - ♪ no ♪

Both: ♪ body's business ♪

♪ if I do ♪

♪ do do do-Yoo do-boo De-Yoo ♪

♪ oh ♪

♪ yeah ♪

[Grunts]

You were fabulous! [Laughing]

The man's intolerable.

What do you mean? He was great.

I've had enough of his upstaging me,

and his James Earl Jones wannabe voice.

It's maddening!

Well, why don't you talk to the director? I'm sure he can help you.

I'd hate for you to ruin this chance for me.

I mean, for you.

Of course. Talk to the director.

He'll straighten out that basso idioso.

[Slurping through straw]

Maxine Shaw.

You again?

Your stammering scared my kid, and she doesn't scare easily.

She knows the story of her conception.

Your husband has an amazing voice.

He's not my husband. That's a vicious rumor.

We're engaged, hence the ring,

and he's also my neighbor who followed me here from New York.

He's the father of my child... long story. Why am I talking to you?

Because I'm a good ear.

Dee Dee Thorne, third-year law student at boalt, and...

Top of my class

and president of the student association of trial lawyers.

You know, you look familiar.

Have I seen you at the firing range?

Um, no. We've never met,

but I have studied every one of your cases.

I even bought the same Prada suit

you closed the Fernandez murder trial in.

And... I'm sorry about earlier,

but it was just the thrill of meeting someone I respect so much.

Here, these are for you.

Thanks.

It's flattering to have a fan.

But in the future, if you're thinking of me, think hickory farms.

Not the cheese. The meat.

Oh, god.

I know that look.

Look, I'd like to talk more about you, but, uh, after the premiere.

- We'll do this. - Oh, that'd be great.

I will be in my dressing room,

seething.

Such a prima Donna.

But so damn sexy.

Mom, I think things are beginning to look up.

You bet they are. I took your advice

and I explained to the director

that Dee Dee Thorne does not finance her own aggravation.

And thusly that divo Kyle barker has been fired.

What?

And it's all thanks to you. Heh.

Now she listens to me!

I can't believe we're trapped in here.

Every time I hear somebody jump into the pool downstairs, I die a little inside.

Ok, focus.

Now, we are going to need unique marketing plans for each artist.

Let's go big with it!

I'm thinking billboard, vh-1 mtv, drive-time radio spots.

What do you guys think?

[All unenthusiastically] Billboards, yes.

Drive-in, great.

Hey, who ate all the fancy cheese

wrapped in tasty vegetables I never heard of?

Spencer, Kai put me in charge here,

and I really need you to back me up.

Besides, the faster we get the work done,

the faster we can get to the hot tubbing.

You're right.

I'm sorry, Mona.

Ok, people, listen up!

We need to do this work and we need to do it now!

It's not Mona's fault she's suckin' the fun out of the room.

Thank you, Spencer.

I'm here for you, girl.

Ooh! They just pulled the pig out of the luau pit.

Mona: Hey, you guys! You guys, we have got to get this done!

Ok, but after lunch, we are working!

I'm still here for you, girl.

Just go.

Yes!

"Mona, still stuck in Philly.

Hope you've got everyone working hard."

- [Splash] - [All] Whoo!

Does working on a tan count?

[Knock on door]

Hey, Phyllis, i...

Mona ain't home, I'm lonely, and I got lasagna.

It smells incredible.

And it tastes even better, so loosen up those tight jeans

and get ready to eat like nobody's watching.

Oh, my god! Phyllis, this is delicious.

Cooking separates good mothers from bad mothers.

My mom hasn't cooked in, like, 25 years.

What did I just say?

I should've seen that coming, but, I'm on a mozzarella high.

Wow! You are taking to that lasagna like a pro.

Is there something bothering you?

Remember Maxine Shaw? My big second chance?

Well, I blew it again.

Well, don't feel bad.

Mona's blown tons of opportunities, but look at her now.

She's vice president of a record label.

Of course, she still doesn't have a man,

but there's some boulders you just can't push uphill.

[Cell phone rings]

[Snickering]

Hello.

Oh, hi, baby. What's going on?

This retreat is a nightmare.

Mona's blowin' it again.

Mona: Nobody's listening to me.

All they want to do is eat pig and get rubbed with rocks.

Well, I would say that's what you get for not taking your mama,

but I won't because I'm more sensitive than that.

I just... I don't know what to do.

Mona, remember a sweet little girl who refused to go to school

because kids made fun of her eye patch?

And you said, "it's not how many eyes you have,

it's the love you have in your heart."

And thank god you bought that crap,

'cause I needed you to get on that school bus so I could get to the track.

Ma, did they have child protective services back then?

The point is if you want people to listen,

you have to tell them what they need to hear.

That is great advice, ma.

I think I'll actually take it this time. Bye.

Of course! Simple manipulation. That's brilliant!

Now, when the show's over tonight,

I want you and the maids to lead the standing ovation.

But don't jump up too quickly. That'll be too obvious.

You know, mom, after seeing the dress rehearsal,

I think replacing Kyle barker with the understudy

was definitely the right choice.

I think so, too, dear.

I mean, the understudy is so good.

And so young-looking.

We do have that in common. Ha.

How young?

It was weird. When Kyle was on stage, you seemed so much larger than life,

but with the understudy, it was much more balanced.

Oh, really?

Interesting.

You know, I have been feeling a bit guilty

about the way I disposed of Kyle.

I mean, he deserves one more shot at the spotlight

before nature drops its sad, gray curtain on him, hmm?

I marvel at your ability to always think of others.

I just look like I'm thinking of others, dear. It's acting.

This better be good! I cut my spa treatment short.

My pores are wide open and staring daggers at you.

I thought I would treat everyone to happy hour,

so I ordered up some appetizers and champagne. Thank you.

You know, cause I thought about it,

and I am not Kai, so we're here at this beautiful resort, and we should live it up.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

I knew you were one of us, Mona.

That's right. So enjoy. The bar is open.

Incoming fax, Mona.

Hey, not my problem. I'm on vacation now.

It's from Kai.

"What the hell is going on?

"The hotel manager says the spa and bar tabs are through the roof.

"If the marketing plans aren't done by the time I get back,

"you people who work for me will be

the people who used to work for me."

[All gasping]

You know what this means.

Of course. But just to be sure,

why don't you tell me what you think it means?

It means we better get to work

before we don't have any work to go to.

And I knew Dee Dee Thorne was back

when I saw the standing ovation.

Though the elderly section was a little slow to rise.

Thank you so much for coming.

Kyle, you were fantastic tonight.

Hmm, yes, I was.

Even through the agony of your mother's tenth curtain call.

Kyle, be a good little baritone, get me a drop of scotch.

Oh, goodie. We get to play the star and the mean drunk again.

You know, Maxine, I have a little confession to make.

You and I did meet.

I had an interview with you and it was horrible.

I mean, I was horrible, not you.

I was wondering when you were going to own up to that.

You knew?

A good lawyer never forgets a face.

Especially one that's seconds away from throwing up on my executive zen garden.

And look at you know you now.

Holding your food down, actually speaking in complete sentences.

Yeah, you've come a long way.

Well, I wasn't going to do anything

to mess up my second chance with you.

I even got my mother to rehire Kyle after their little blow-up.

So you're to blame for this debacle?

Blame? What do you mean "blame"?

That man was about to give up all this nonsense

and get his ass back to wall street where it belongs.

Now he's recommitted to this foolishness,

and I'm left having to sit through more productions of

my legs too short to run from the man.

I just...

Just nothing!

What you did proves that you're not ready to be one of my lawyers.

One of the cardinal rules of being an attorney is

never ask a question you don't already know the answer to.

You did all this to get in good with me,

but you never even considered all the possibilities and all the outcomes.

Well, how was I supposed to know that a wife

wouldn't want to emotionally support her husband?

He's not my husband!

And that's another reason why you won't be one of my lawyers.

[Whispers] You don't listen.

[Dee Dee] Ahem! Attention, everyone! A toast.

First to me,

who is one step closer to the bright lights of Broadway. Ha ha.

But mostly to my daughter, who has stood by my side.

You mean more to me than the world.

Thank you, dear.

You're welcome, mom.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some lasagna in my bedroom.

And I am never listening to Phyllis again.

And I thought this evening couldn't get any better.

Ha ha!

And done.

All right! That's it. All 5 marketing plans.

That'll put a smile on Kai's face.

Well, maybe not on her face, but on the inside.

Well, now that we're finished,

I have something to confess.

Me, too.

I've got the clock radio in my suitcase.

It took me an hour to unscrew it from the nightstand,

and after all that work,

I had to take it.

I meant the last fax.

Kai didn't send it.

I did.

- What? - Aww.

Well, you guys made me do it because you wouldn't listen to me,

and, yeah, I would like to be one of the gang,

but I have responsibilities now,

and I didn't come this far for y'all to take me down.

That's not what we were trying to do.

Well, it sure felt like it.

Sorry, Mona.

[Spencer] Yeah. Me, too.

I just can't believe you lied to us.

Yeah. I feel so dirty. So used.

So impressed. Good job.

Hugs!

[All] Close your robe!

[Theme music playing]

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