Original subtitles

I can't believe you got us into this album launch party!

Oh, well, Mona gets invited to these things all the ti...

But I never go.

I haven't had time to do anything

since the talent search heated up.

Oh, relax. I know you go out all the time.

I read it in your journal.

Then I guess you know how I feel about you wearing stretch pants.

Yeah. I tore out that page.

So what's up with the talent search?

You walked in on me before I could read about that part.

We're announcing the 5 finalists on Friday,

and it's gonna be covered by a bunch of different news outlets,

and did I mention this whole thing was my idea?

6 times today. But I'm still proud of you.

Oh, me, too.

Now in next year's Christmas newsletter,

I only have to lie about your love life.

Oh, I can only stay for a couple of songs.

My mom's got a big meeting

with her old acting agent tomorrow.

Your mom's going back into show business?

Yep. She's decided it's the answer to her mid-life crisis.

So I have to sew her into her audition pants.

So what is big girl goin' out for?

They remaking attack of the 50 foot woman?

Phyllis, I speak for my mother when I say,

uh, tee-hee.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

So I came up with some ideas for my house warming party.

The music will be retro,

and the food will be all about bacon.

You got a new house?

No, but if you say that, you get presents.

I'm registered at pottery barn, China barn,

and international male.

This is what you wanted to show me?

Oh, that. Oh, yeah. You got a fax.

Some article about the talent search.

Wow! Billboard actually covered us!

See? Here's a picture of the roomful of tape submissions

we got from all across america

and that one lone tape from American Samoa.

Not everybody looks like the rock, apparently.

Damn, Mona, if this thing gets any bigger,

you'll be telling me what to do!

I already tell you what to do.

Yeah, but... Then I'd do it.

Hey, guys.

What are you reading?

Our talent search got a write-up in billboard.

Ooh! Let me see it.

Can we tone down the grabbiness? My guest list's on the back.

It just says Ricky Martin 12 times.

I think you can remember that.

Mona, where's your name?

It's not about me. It's about the talent search.

They mention Kai.

Hey, press is press.

Don't you think that's odd since it was your idea?

Well, there's probably a perfectly good reason.

Well, I wanna know what's going on.

What's going on is you're taking me to lunch.

Hey, now you know how I feel.

I never got credit for my great idea.

Oh, that's 'cause we're still waiting for it.

Mona, can you sign this, please?

Kai!

I have got to put her on a leash.

Nice to see you again. How's it going?

Do you work for me?

Oh, Kai, you kidder!

I just wanted to say

congratulations on the talent search.

Mona really came up with a great idea, huh?

Yeah, she did.

Since you're going out,

pick me up a fiber smoothie, will ya?

And don't mess it up.

Well, you'll be happy to know I spoke with Kai about you,

and now I'm sure it was just an oversight

that you were left out of the article.

That's what I figured. So can we go now?

Sure. Oh, one more thing.

Kai wants you to get her a fiber smoothie.

And don't mess it up.

Extra, extra, extra cheese.

Thank you very much.

[Knock on door]

Louie... guess who?

Dee Dee lafontaine!

I'd get up, but... Then I'd have to get up.

You look good. What have you had done?

I am completely au naturel.

Dee, still got your sense of humor, huh?

What can I do you for?

Well, how would you like to represent

1979's bay area star on the rise?

That's me, dear. Oh, uh...

The marriage to the itty-bitty mogul didn't work out?

We're still married.

Oh. We should all have dinner.

You wanna come back.

Yes!

No one ever comes back. Look at my wall.

Every one of them left me.

Actors.

Who's the woman with all the dart holes?

Oh, that's my wife.

Wives.

Louie, when you were my agent,

we had a great ride together. Let's do it again.

I even prepared a little something. Watch. Ahem!

"Look at her," the children would say.

"She's nothing but a farmer's girl in plain..."

yeah, yeah, that's really great.

Listen, I've got a commercial audition at 3:00.

Can you do it?

Can I do it?

Dee Dee lafontaine can do anything... except for nudity.

Ah, what the heck.

Maybe just a little nudity, you know what I mean?

[Knock on door]

I just got quddus to agree to do a piece on the talent search!

It only took 2 months, 40 phone calls,

and one threat of a restraining order.

Quddus, the cutie from trl?

That piece of man candy makes me want to lick...

Right! That's him.

So now when the talent search is on mtv,

they will have to mention my name.

I thought that didn't matter to you.

Well, maybe just a little.

Hey, do you want to meet him?

He's coming by delicious tomorrow.

Really? Ooh, what I'd like to do

to that fine slab of cocoa-buttered...

Ok, Dee Dee!

When you meet him, you're just gonna smile and nod.

[Door opens] Ok.

Hey, mom.

How'd your audition go?

Well, they wanted someone in this room.

That's right, look away. You know what you did!

Stealing roles from the hand

that pays the maid that feeds you!

They hired coco?

Yes. Turns out it was for a dog food commercial.

They liked her hungry eyes.

So are you gonna let her do it?

Of course I am.

Dee Dee lafontaine is professional.

Come on, coco. Let's get your teeth whitened.

Guys, quddus is gonna be here any minute

to interview me and Kai,

so I need you all to keep it quiet.

Well, not quiet,

'cause I want it to sound like there's stuff going on,

but not so loud that you drown me out and... you know what?

How 'bout you just work normally?

Mona, calm down.

Quddus is a really laid-back brother.

Yeah, I'd like to lay back with that fine

mocha-choca latte ya-ya!

Oh, my god...

You're actually making meuncomfortable.

So, Mona,

you thought about what you gonna say?

'Cause I've noticed after interviews,

you tend to get fired.

That was onetime!

But, yes. I am prepared.

Here is my sound bite...

"hey, I'm just in this crazy business 'cause I love it.

For me, it's all about the music."

Perfect. It's vague-alicious.

[Giggles]

There's quddus.

Wish me luck.

You don't need it. You're ready.

There is the woman I came to see...

Kai Owens!

Quddus! What's up?

How you been? I didn't see you at the vmas.

Oh, I was there.

You were too busy in the back with the half-naked dancer...

Whoa, whoa. I just getting an interview.

And the kissing part was just to show my appreciation.

Right.

So you gonna give me a heads-up on these 5 finalists?

Sorry, q, you gotta wait till Friday when we announce it.

Mm. You always keep me waiting.

And you know you love it.

You been talking to that dancer, haven't you?

Yeah. Good times.

So, Kai... You gonna give me the details

on how you came up with this talent search?

It's really blowing up.

Yeah. Well, come on into my office.

I'll tell you everything you need to know. Oh, Mona.

Yes!

The camera guy is gonna need a place for his equipment.

Can you help him carry it into your office?

Ok! I mean, that's why I'm in this crazy business.

It's all about the music.

No one's listening, are they?

I know I'm not.

I can't believe Kai cut you out of that interview.

Yeah. You must be mad.

Please. I haven't given it another thought.

It's just that I wasn't even mentioned in the article,

and I kinda figured I would be.

But... I'm ok.

It's just that...

I'm the one who booked quddus,

so you'd think that I would be interviewed too, but whatever.

It's just that this whole contest was my idea

and I'm happy to do all the extra work,

but shouldn't I get some of the credit?

Damn straight, I should!

Now, that's the bitterness I raised you with.

When someone at work doesn't give me the credit I deserve,

I just take the high road.

I Jack their lunch right out of the refrigerator.

What I wanna know

is why didn't you demand to be a part of that interview?

Well, I assumed that Kai...

See, that's your problem.

People aren't gonna just hand you credit.

If you want it, you have to reach out and snatch it.

Take that bull by the horns, throw it on its head,

grab it by... ma!

Am I right or am I right?

I have to say for the first time I agree with Phyllis.

Thank you!

What do you mean, for the first time?

Bull metaphor aside,

what your mother is trying to say

is you need to toot your own horn.

I've never been much of a horn tooter.

I know!

You've lived your whole life under the radar.

But now's your chance to really make a name for yourself.

Exactly! You've gotta take what's rightfully yours.

Or you could try it my way.

I'm telling you,

Kai always leaves tri-tip in the fridge.

Thanks for inviting me to your shoot, mom.

I can't wait to see you in action.

[Chuckles] That's very sweet, dear,

but you're not here to watch.

You're here to be my assistant.

Now, carry my bag and walk 10 paces behind me.

Excuse me. I'm Dee Dee lafontaine.

The talent.

Uh, yeah, I don't see your name.

Try coco lafontaine.

Oh, yeah, the dog.

Uh, listen, we're gonna need you

to bring her over to wardrobe.

You need anything?

Some water?

Oh, that would be lovely.

It's kind of hot, you know.

The tap's over there.

Ok, when you hear "action,"

you're walking, you're walking,

you stop on the Mark,

you put the kibble nibbles down.

Coco eats, and we're out. Got it?

Of course. I'm a professional...

Great. Here we go!

Director: Ok, ready, and action!

Cut!

Cut!

Cut.

What? That was perfect.

So could you fax Ms. Owens a list of venues

that fit that criteria?

Oh, and send a separate list of leather boy bars

with valet parking.

Yeah. Address that one to me.

What does Kai need a venue for?

Oh, it's for the showcase for the finalists.

Showcase?

Since when is there going to be a showcase?

Since Kai said,

"there is going to be a showcase."

[Telephone rings]

Delicious records.

[Gasps] Oh, CNN.

Yeah, well, all interview requests

go directly through Kai Owens...

CNN? I'll take that one.

Mona Thorne. You were calling for an interview?

Well, I'm the one that you want to talk to.

I just think a caring dog owner

would smell the food before giving it to her pet.

Psst! Hey.

Thank goodness.

People, this is my agent,

and he will explain to you

how a professional actress should be treated.

I'm so glad you're here, Louie.

Shh! Don't say my name too loud.

I owe some of these people money.

What a nightmare.

They said I was an idiot.

And no one's called me that since I played Helen Keller

in the miracle worker.

Listen, the producers called me down,

in the middle of my yoga.

You'd be surprised how limber I am.

They're upset with your improvising, Dee.

Well, forgive me for being an artist.

They want to fire you.

Oh, no.

I've become a problem actress.

This is gonna be a dark chapter in my autobiography.

Come on, Dee, it's a dog food commercial.

Do the job, let's cash the check.

I'm sorry, Louie.

I got carried away.

That's all right. I love your passion.

Reminds me of when I had passion,

and a functioning liver.

Now get back out there

and sell that dog slop.

I appreciate you coming down, Louie.

I just don't want to see my mom

derail her own dreams.

I don't want to see her derail my car payment.

Oh, and thanks for not telling her

that I'm the one who really called you down here.

No problem.

Must have been hard to see your mom so humiliated.

Plus I thought the crew was gonna kill her.

Ok, one more thing,

do you like me to call you Mona

or Ms. Thorne during the interview?

I'll answer to "hey, you."

I'm just so excited to do this.

Well, CNN's excited, too.

We've been trying to get an interview

with someone at delicious for weeks.

Well, looks like you finally spoke

to the right person.

And you know what? Let's just keep this informal,

so call me Ms. Thorne.

Ms. Thorne it is.

Go ahead and take a seat and we'll get started.

Ok. Wow.

This interview's the big time.

So what does Kai think about this whole thing?

I don't have to tell Kai.

She doesn't tell me anything.

She can watch it on CNN.

Oh, maybe I'll be on after crossfire.

Ok, people, let's do this.

Where are your clothes?

Whoa.

Mona, we are on a schedule.

Now let's go. I have a lot of questions to ask.

Roll it.

So do I.

Aren't you guys CNN?

Yeah. Cable naked news.

What?!

I thought I recognized you.

Man, I watch your show all the time.

Well, I really watch it for the weather girl.

Is she coming?

What the hell is going on here?

Well, we're trying to conduct an interview.

Well, change in plans.

Get your naked butt up out of here.

But we're all set up.

And I'll be happy to answer any questions you might have.

Everybody out!

You, I'll deal with later.

And for once I actually miss

your ridiculous outfits.

Well?

See, uh, what happened was...

Sorry. Forgot my socks.

Ok.

Forgetting about the naked white guy,

'cause lord knows I'm trying to,

what are you doing giving an interview without telling me?

Well, since you've been doing all the interviews

for the talent search,

I just thought I would, um,

take one off your hands.

Really?

Or could it be you did all this

'cause you're pissed you didn't get the credit?

That is an interesting theory.

Here's another...

You think if you don't grab the credit for yourself,

you'll never get it.

Did Spencer tell you that?

Please. He's too busy trying to steal my tri-tip.

Nothing gets by you, does it?

Look, I know working at this level is new to you,

and maybe I could have been more sensitive

and talked to you about what you were going through, right?

Nah!

Here's the thing...

If your idea is a success,

and so far it has been,

yeah, I get the credit.

But let's say it turns into a flaming ball of crap.

Guess who gets the blame?

Um, you.

Yes.

That's how I look out for my label

and my people.

I'm sorry, Kai.

I guess I just got caught up

in the idea of the glory,

but that's not why I came up

with the idea for the talent search.

That was my job.

And for now, doing your job well

is gonna have to be enough.

Got it.

And next time, if you're having a problem,

would you come talk to me

because when you don't,

you wind up with some guy's hairy ass on your chair.

And I'm not paying to get that sanitized.

And we are just a few moments away

from our very first look at the 5 finalists.

Kai, you just make sure I get an exclusive with the winner, ok?

What do I get in exchange?

Come on, now, you're already on mtv with me, baby.

All right, america, one of these next artists

could really break out. Kai, you ready?

Wait. First I want to introduce someone

who's been a key player in this nationwide search.

Mona Thorne, get up here.

[Applause]

Whoo!

Mona, you want to do the honors?

So the...

First...

Mona?

She knows it's live, right?

I guess I'll do the honors.

We're looking forward to working

with these talented artists.

♪ And I can't do the things I used to do ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, I'm in love with you ♪

♪ forevermore ♪

♪ oh ohh-oh-ohh ♪

♪ now love can't feel like this ♪

♪ tell me, what's left of us ♪

♪ apart from us ♪

♪ something we won't miss... ♪

♪ I know how it feels like to love you ♪

♪ I just want to feel that way ♪

♪ and sometimes the way I know why ♪

♪ I don't get the chance to say ♪

♪ that I'm sorry for what I deny ♪

♪ gone dreamin', look to the sky ♪

♪ see my... ♪

♪ Forget your boyfriend, he could go crackin' ♪

♪ got you rollin' again, baby, spit it for pep-40 ♪

♪ boy, I love it, and I like you ♪

♪ the way you dress, the way you talk ♪

♪ the way you move, you look, boy ♪

♪ boy, I love it, and I like you ♪

♪ the way you dress, the way you talk ♪

♪ the way you move, you look... ♪

♪ When the rain comes tumbling down ♪

♪ ohh ♪

♪ you can't see the tears fall down my face ♪

♪ and when it seems all hope is long gone ♪

♪ something in my heart shows me the way, yeah ♪

♪ sitting in the shade, it was late in the day ♪

♪ we want to play, now ain't no time to sleep ♪

♪ hip hop's being pimped, being sold for cheap ♪

♪ I see her on the street, she was looking for pay ♪

♪ she was trying to get away ♪

♪ but her man was making her stay ♪

♪ slapped her in the face 'cause she wanted hip hop ♪

♪ started walking down the block ♪

♪ tried to get to other side and got shot ♪

♪ rock, rock, you don't stop ♪

♪ I live for hip hop, die for hip hop ♪

♪ breathe for hip hop, cry for hip hop... ♪

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