Original subtitles

Hey, Mona, I brought your...

Shh - I'm playing word whomp,

and I'm about to get the highest score.

Yes! Nobody unscrambles on the fly like me.

Take it where you can get it, sis.

Now, I will just type in

my screen name.

Curly mo. And... hey.

I only got the second

highest score.

Some idiot named Tiffany law beat me?

That idiot is me.

Tiffany, my favorite jewelry store.

Law, law student. Isn't it cute?

No. I've been working to be

number one on this for months.

I know how you feel.

One time I came in second,

and it drove my crazy.

But it just made me wanna work harder

to be the best.

Really?

No, I made it up.

I was the number one storyteller in girl scouts.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Good morning.

Hey, man.

I finally built the perfect

music library.

Man, I got play lists to

get dressed with,

to workout with,

and, my personal favorite,

music to funk the ladies with.

Ew.

All I have in my iPod is some techno crap

my ex-boyfriend dieter loaded for me.

Dieter?

The German guy.

You know, the one I call das Booty.

Anyway, can I download your library?

I'll stop staring at your biscuits

when you walk by.

Man, with all the time and money

I put into this,

if you want it, you're gonna

have to pay for it.

I never pay for it.

Good morning.

Hey, Mona. Why the long face?

Did that creepy guy at the deli

hit on you again?

"Mona, I can make you happy.

I love you."

No, it's Dee Dee. She beat me

at word whomp.

Oh, that's rough.

I'm surprised you even got out of bed.

I know it's not a big deal to you,

but it is to me.

I mean, if I do 10 reps at the gym,

Dee Dee's gotta do 20.

If I get hit on,

she gets proposed to.

Our whole lives,

she's always had to outdo me.

Potato latke, mister? Only 50 cents.

Who knew?

Mona: And, of course, you know who

had to have her own little stand.

Gourmet cookie, mister?

I've got chocolate chip,

chocolate chocolate chip,

chocolate chip with pecans,

white chocolate chip.

How are my little

businesswomen?

Not good. I don't get it.

My grandma Sophie says her potato latkes

are a hit at all our hanukkah parties.

Well, I'll take 2.

Mmm!

Here, mommy.

Wash out the nasty with some water.

I've got bottled water,

water with lemon,

water with lime, iced water...

Dee Dee's always had to top me.

And I've already given up on

all the big stuff.

She'll always be thinner and younger than me.

But now she's moving in on my turf,

the worthless trivia of daily life,

and I'm not having it.

So beat her at something.

There's gotta be something

you're better at.

Wearing chunky shoes.

Getting dumped by guys.

Hiding things in your hair.

Ok, game over.

♪ I'm begging baby ♪

♪ baby I'm begging ♪

♪ baby, I'm begging, I'm begging, baby ♪

♪ baby I'm begging, baby, I'm begging ♪

♪ baby baby ♪

All: ♪ ooh ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

All right, Atlanta.

♪ So that sounds real good ♪

♪ but I don't think they heard, y'all ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ ohh, ohh, ohh ♪

♪ whoa ♪

Ok, let's eat.

What's that?

Bread, cheese, veggies.

What? You invited me down to make sandwiches,

so I brought some things I knew

you wouldn't have.

Like things to make sandwiches.

Of course, you did.

Ooh, Mona, I need your advice.

Remember my law professor Martin Wilkins?

I remember you're in law school.

I love how close we've become.

Anyway, he's going through a bitter divorce,

so some of the students are taking turns

entertaining him.

This Friday is my turn,

and I want my night to be better

than anybody else's.

Well, what does he like?

Complaining about his wife,

praising my superior performance.

Hey, does he like to play cards?

How about poker?

It's hip, it's fun,

and all the b-level celebrities

are playing it?

And I know both Spencer

and Adam play.

Oh, yeah!

I can impress professor Wilkins

with my black history playing cards.

Clarence Thomas is the joker.

Hey, Mona.

I brought a bag of photos of us

from the eighties.

Thought we'd put 'em in a scrapbook

and call it

"what were we thinking?"

I can't. I'm playing poker

at Dee Dee's.

Oh, I love poker.

Texas hold 'em is my game.

Oh, sorry, mom. We're playing a new game.

It's called no mamas allowed.

Come on, you gotta let me in on this.

Remember when I taught you

how to play?

Yeah, you told me it would be more fun

than watching TV.

That's because they had taken away

our illegal cable box,

and I had to entertain you somehow.

You'd eaten all your crayons.

Well, I talked Dee Dee into playing poker

so I could finally beat her at something.

Everything in my life is starting to click.

My hair is working,

I found a good lipstick color,

and then Dee Dee goes and makes

the perfect sandwich,

and I'm in a bad mood for a week.

That girl does make a mean sandwich.

Any leftovers?

Look, I know that it's petty,

but it bugs me,

and I ate the whole thing.

Of course it's petty. It's what we do best.

Is that something to brag about?

If it's all you got.

[Knock on door]

Oh, professor Wilkins.

So glad you could make it.

Sorry I'm tardy.

I had to take public transport

with the unwashed masses.

My soon-to-be-ex-wife got the Lexus.

Do you have any scotch? Preferably lagavulin.

It's exceedingly rare.

I just happen to have that.

You would.

Hey, guys.

Hey, what's up, peoples?

This is my boy maceo from college.

I woulda brought junebug,

but he's under house arrest.

You brought Mr. Kiss and tell?

I sense a dark and dirty back story.

Dish.

There's nothing to tell.

Mona and I hooked up in college.

I was happy. I wanted to tell somebody.

You got on a mic at a rally.

They printed it in the paper

the next day.

I didn't mean to make you mad, girl.

Chasing your tail, Phyllis?

Did you learn that from your cats?

I guess we humans do take after our pets.

Your breath reminds me of coco.

Why are you headed up to my daughter's?

They're playing poker, but no mamas allowed,

and i'm tempted to crash.

Poor Phyllis, always going where

you're not wanted.

I'm going where the action is.

Now, are you coming, or are you afraid

I might take you to the cleaners?

Like you've ever been to the cleaners.

You're in a good mood.

That's 'cause we're playing poker.

The game, Texas hold 'em,

the pot, no limit.

Oh, professor, your glass is empty.

More 1922 lagavulin?

Please.

I'll take some of that lagahula.

I think you've had enough.

You know how you talk too damn much

when you drink.

Mona, I wouldn't have bragged to anybody

if you hadn't been such an animal in bed

and... i just did it again, didn't I?

I'm so glad you're here.

Hello? Hello?

What's this? A poker party?

We want in.

And we won't take no for an answer.

Please, ladies, join us.

What's 2 more women taking money from me?

You hit a lucky streak, maybe you can

win my pension,

since it's all I have left.

Single and morose.

Phyllis, this might be your

lucky night.

I hope you're not wearing your

granny panties.

I'm out. I'm in.

Come on, sixes.

Man, you're the worst poker

player ever.

Can I borrow some cash? He's kicking my ass.

No way.

I'm out. I got a hand

like a foot.

You said it, not me. I fold.

Me, too.

This is good.

Why do they call this liverwurst?

They should call this liver-best.

I'm out.

Of the hand, of my marriage,

of my house.

I just want to crawl into a hole and die.

Phyllis, I think he's flirting.

So, Spence, it's just you and me,

and you're out of money.

But I will let you bet your music play list.

Done.

Let's see the river.

Yay! 4 sixes!

Ha ha ha! Come to papa.

Beat by a guy in a man-scarf.

It's a dark day.

This is it, Dee Dee.

I've been waitin' for this all night.

I see your bet, and I raise you

everything I got.

Go for it, baby. Make your mama proud.

Call.

Straight, Jack high.

Oh, and I only have 5 pretty red ones.

Flush beats a straight. Well played, Dee.

What? But how?

Well, after the flop,

there was a possible straight on the table.

Then when you didn't raise on the turn,

I got to see the river for free and win.

Mona says you didn't play poker.

I don't except when I had

that private tutor in monte Carlo.

Did I not mention that?

All: No.

The girl is a ruthless competitor.

Dee Dee Thorne would eat her young.

I wish my in-laws had done that.

Well, you know what, Dee Dee?

This is the last time

that I play with you

because you always have to win,

and you always have to be

better than me.

That's not true.

And it's "i," better than "I."

Well, I, I, I don't give a damn.

That's it.

No, that's it.

You must be very proud.

Mona Thorne, stop right there.

What the hell was that?

Well, I can't take it anymore.

I thought I'd found the one thing

to help even the score with Dee Dee,

and then she turns around and kicks my ass.

She did do that.

But we are in the middle

of a war here,

and you do not just give up.

It's the haves versus the

have-nots.

Well, I know which side we're on.

Look, this is bigger than you.

I've had hot hands all night,

and I still have a chance

to take down a Dee Dee.

So you march your sorry, sour ass

back up those stairs,

and support your have-not mama.

Luck be a lady tonight,

and that lady is me.

I am in.

Oh, a bold move by lady Dee.

Does she have a good poker face,

or Botox paralysis?

Only her plastic surgeon knows for sure.

Too rich for my blood.

Thank you, Dee Dee.

Tonight was a lovely distraction

from my hellish life.

You get an "a" for entertainment.

But the intensity of the older broads

is a bit much.

But professor, I have cake.

It's probably chocolate with

brown nose frosting.

I'd take it to go, but I'm sure my wife

would take that, too.

Which is why I'm going home

to Bury my golf clubs in the yard.

And so, he leaves,

another black man broke by the system.

Now it's up to motown mama.

Will she call? Will she raise?

Will she slap you upside your heads

if you don't shut up?

And it stings for days.

I see you, and I raise you.

I don't seem to have enough chips.

I'll call with this.

Oh, oh, your credit's no good here, man hands.

I guess you can't afford to play anymore, huh?

The only thing I can't afford

is to lose to the likes of you.

Mom, what are you doing?

That is your wedding ring.

Dee Dee, this is war. Watch and learn.

Full house. Queens over kings.

That's a good hand, but too bad

it's not good enough.

Full house, aces over kings.

But more importantly,

Phyllis over "big Dee Dee don't got no ring no more."

You are not seriously going to take my ring?

Oh, it doesn't get any more serious than this.

Oh, now, that's weight I don't mind gaining.

You keep the chips.

I got the rock.

Dee Dee: Mom?

I'm fine, dear. I'm fine.

It's just a ring.

Can I stay here with you?

Just until your father dies?

♪ Take one half, I'll take the other ♪

♪ and just like that, we're drawn together ♪

♪ I know sometimes we might fight ♪

♪ but hopefully it's nice tonight ♪

♪ and I don't try to say it's easy ♪

Maybe I'm crazy, but it sounds like

she's singing about me and my sister.

Yeah, kinda.

I can't concentrate.

I still can't believe Dee Dee beat me.

Ah, you still trippin' about that?

Well, what could I have done differently?

Play better?

I'm serious.

Well, you play from the gut.

Dee Dee calculates, barely moves a muscle.

Except when she tucks her hair

behind her ears.

I noticed that 'cause it's damn sexy.

Well, I noticed it 'cause it's damn annoying.

Along with my constant losing.

In fact, it seems that every time

she tucked her hair back,

I lost.

Hey, do you know what this means?

Dee Dee's sexy and you're a loser?

Dee Dee has a tell.

She tucks when she has a good hand.

And now that I know that,

guess who's making a poker comeback?

You better just tell me.

Hey, like the new outfit

I bought to match my ring?

Ok, mom, you've had your fun

and you made big Dee Dee sweat,

but there's no way that you can keep that.

That's what your father said

about the washer and dryer when

I divorced him,

but it's still workin', ain't it?

That's not the point.

Mona, we've decided to

take you up

on your request for a rematch.

It's only fair that my mother

get a chance to win her

ring back.

Oh, my god! She's wearing it!

And with that outfit.

Rematch? What rematch?

I set up another game 'cause you're on a roll.

Besides, remember the big speech

you gave me about the haves

and the have-nots?

Wake up, curly. The have-nots

have it.

And wouldn't you like some earrings

to go with it?

Now you're talking.

Ok, it's on.

I'm gonna win your jewelry

and your car, too.

You can keep the little man.

Oh, come on, big girl.

We ain't got all day.

Lay 'em or play 'em.

They win a few hands

and suddenly we're playing with

the wu tang clan.

What's the matter, can't run with

the high rollers?

Oh, Phyllis, as if your thighs

allow you to run

without starting a flash fire.

I fold.

I call and I raise you.

Why are you staring at my hair?

Oh, no reason. So, you wanna play.

Well, I will pay to see what you've got.

I got... A whole lot

of nothing.

Yes, take that, miss Tiffany law.

You'll probably be sore in the morning

since you're not used to flexing

your loser muscle.

Coupon-clippers up one.

High-falutin fools down 7 carats.

All right, we get it. You won.

Oh, I don't think you do get it,

cause we won. We won.

[Knock on door]

What are you doing?

When I feel down, I paraffin.

Look, I'm sorry for what I said in there.

It should've been enough

that I beat you.

I just... I got carried away.

It was an ugly side of you, Mona.

Believe me, when I saw my mother

take it to a whole 'nother level,

I realized just how ugly it was.

Why is beating me so important to you?

'Cause it's absolutely no fun

always losing to you.

And you're so damn competitive.

I am not competitive.

I just can't stand losing.

If I'm not the best, then what am I?

Like everybody else.

Mona, I feel bad enough already.

Wow, this thing is deep for you.

I mean, you're in competition

with the whole world,

not just me.

I guess I'm the one who made it personal

all these years.

Well, stop doing that.

It's just dragging you down.

Mona, this is who I am,

and there's no shaking it.

I have no idea where I get it.

Listen up, there's still a battle

going on out there.

And as long as I have breath in my body,

and my ring's on that scarecrow's finger,

we keep playing.

I said we keep playing!

Ok, maybe I have an inkling where

it comes from.

We all have our burdens to bear.

And you know it's wrong for your burden

to be wearing my burden's

wedding ring.

Well, what can we do?

I tried talking my mom into giving it back,

but she threatened to swallow it.

I'm all in, and it looks like

your winning streak has come to an end.

What're you gonna do, call? Cry?

Well, I got 5 bucks and an altoid left.

Ma?

I don't have any money.

Well, what about the ring?

What about it?

Look at my cards. I'm gonna clean her out.

I haven't even shown this off

at my parents without partners meeting.

Ma, you only go for the free

coffee and pie.

Fork it over.

Oh, I'm sorry. I can't seem

to get it off.

Aces and Jacks.

3 kings. Read 'em and weep.

Give me back my bling.

I don't wanna.

I have a hacksaw in my trunk,

and I'm not afraid to use it.

I'd make you cut it off,

but it's not the finger I wanna give you.

Your performance was wonderful.

So was yours.

Was it hard being on that swollen hand?

Oh, my god! How does she

stretch out platinum?

Dude, you've had my music for days.

Give it back.

Adam, what did you do?

Man, there's nothing on here but... but...

[imitates techno music]

What's up with that?

Ok, I tried to put your play list on mine,

but somehow dieter's dance mix

got on yours instead.

You deleted my entire library?

How do you wanna die?

In a hot tub with Jackie chan.

Aah! Hurting! Hurting! Hurting!

Woman: Woohoo! [Giggles]

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