Original subtitles

[Knock on the door]

Dee Dee, could I borrow your...

What are you doing?

I'm spending time with my old boyfriends.

Well, is there a crowd in the bedroom I'm not aware of?

'Cause I could always come back later.

No. I haven't had any male attention in weeks,

and this is old boyfriend jewelry.

This bracelet was Jason.

Meteorologist, big hands.

The earrings, ramone.

Chiropractor, all hands.

This necklace, Todd.

Small hands. He didn't last long.

[Laughs]

Wait. You've got the girls on high alert.

You're going on a date, aren't you?

Yep. I'm starting a jewelry collection of my own.

I just need to borrow your Dolce & Gabbana scarf.

Yeah.

Oh, there's a guy across the way,

and he's staring right into your window.

You mean like a peeping Tom?

Oh, my god, you're right.

I would keep those drapes shut if I were you.

You don't have to tell me twice.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

First, gently swirl it around to release the aromas.

Now take a sip and let it dance on your tongue.

And I was just gonna throw my head back and guzzle.

[Laughs]

- 40 years in the making. - Mona: Mmm.

Now, would you care to sample something a little younger?

Hey, Mona, i... ooh! I'm sorry.

I didn't know you had company.

Opposite sex company.

Roland, meet my sister Dee Dee,

law student-slash-professional date crasher.

Pleasure to meet you, Dee Dee.

Oh, the pleasure's all mine. And nice suit.

I didn't realize versace's new line was even available yet.

Well, my advertising firm handles some of their west coast business,

and every now and then I let donatella kick my butt in racquetball.

[Both laugh]

Well, I have some studying to do.

It was nice to meet you, Roland.

This way when Mona and I talk about you later,

I can put a face with the name.

[Chuckles] Well, talk about me now.

I'm going to the bathroom.

Don't let this one get away. Drug him if you have to.

[Laughs]

I know. He's amazing.

And he loves sleeping at my place.

He's got clothes in the closet,

a toothbrush in the bathroom.

There's evidence of a man here.

Ooh! It sounds like this could be long-term.

I know, which is why I can't help thinking

there's a big old flaw poking around in there somewhere.

Mona, you've gotta stop being so defeatist.

Whenever joy skips around the corner,

you're right there with a brick.

[Knock on the door]

Dear, I need your opinion on something.

Well, actually, two things.

Oh, my god!

They do take you to a spiritual place, don't they?

Relax. They're just trainers.

I'm considering a little lift,

so Dr. Gupta let me take 'em out for a spin.

Go ahead. Feel 'em.

Not in this lifetime!

Oh, please. When you were a baby,

I couldn't tear you away from them.

Come on.

I can't!

This is a one-way ticket to therapy.

And why do you need to get those?

Well, truth be told, since drew was born,

my girls just haven't been feeling as perky.

And god knows it'll put a skip in your father's step.

Well, I'd consider downsizing,

unless you wanna smother him in his sleep.

Good point. He likes to nestle.

I'll just swap 'em out for c-cups...

After I take one more loop around that construction site.

Phyllis...

Notice anything different?

Hmm... charles isn't with you.

I guess you finally traded in the little boob for 2 big 'uns.

I'd say you're green with envy,

but it's hard to tell through that thick foundation.

You know. All of the things you need to fix about yourself,

these two are way down on the list.

I'd start by filing down your horse teeth.

At least I don't have to take mine out at night

to clean off the lonely cheeto stains.

Hey, these babies are real.

And that's more than I can say for anything above your neck.

You are a persistent little peeper, aren't you?

[Making stripping rhythm]

So...

Is there an evening show on sundays or just a matinee?

There's nothing wrong with a little healthy exhibitionism.

Did you barge in for a reason?

Yes. The search is over.

I told you Roland had a flaw, and I finally found it.

Look.

He makes you wash your hands.

No. Look closer.

They look amazing. Your nail beds are glowing.

Because Roland hooked me up with his manicurist and his waxer.

Wow! They did a great job. They even got that long one off your chin.

And tomorrow Roland is stopping by work

to whisk me off to his personal stylist.

I've been trying to get you to go to mine for years.

Roland deserves a medal.

No, you're missing the flaw.

Roland is gay!

Mona, you're doing it again.

Every time a guy is into you,

you start picking him apart.

Oh, he's too old, oh, he's too broke,

oh, he has lady hips.

There's nothing wrong with Roland.

It's you. Why can't you let yourself be happy?

Ok. Roland said highlights would give my tresses

more confidence and sass.

Sass?

Did he actually use the word sass?

Yes!

So, what do I do?

Well, if it makes you feel better, you should consult an expert.

Adam, Roland, Roland, Adam.

Spencer, you've met. Let's go.

So... rrroland.

Mind if I call you rrroland?

Yeah. When you say it like that.

So, rrroland...

I'm doing a crossword puzzle. Little help?

12 down... "a character in the musical cats."

Never saw it. Never will.

Oh? Then how about 26 across...

"what does Cher wish she could turn back?"

Is she still alive?

I see. Five down.

"When is the last time you showered with another man?"

Get away from me, man.

I'm gonna get some coffee.

Sure. Help yourself, rrroland!

I've completed my puzzle.

And the verdict?

Not guilty. They're just trying to keep the black man down.

Sorry, racial reflex. Who y'all talking about?

Roland!

Brother uses clear nail Polish.

Don't like him.

Adam. Definitely hetero. Definitely Metro.

Spencer: Metro?

Metrosexual... a man whose appearance and grooming habits

might lead the untrained eye to conclude he's gay.

My people call them wasted attempts in the steam room.

.So he's safe to date!

If you don't have a problem dating a guy

who uses more hair goo than you.

He shares, so I'm cool with that.

And he's straight and he's mine, and I'm real cool with that.

Well!

Looks like big Dee Dee's not so big anymore!

That's ok. I'll just call you flat Dee Dee.

Excuse me.

Hey, you dropped your appointment car...

For a biopsy?

That's not mine. It's for coco.

Ok, it's for me.

Phyllis, I'm scared.

Slippers? What the...

Yeah?

You know, you've been camped out here for a couple of weeks now.

I could arrange to put you on my route

so you don't mess up those leather slippers.

Thanks. But I was hoping not to be here that long.

Whatever, dude.

I do believe we've found the flaw.

[Singer raps]

♪ Forget your boyfriend, he the one macking for me ♪

♪ got you going... ♪

♪ Boy, I know that if I like you ♪

♪ the way you dress, the way you talk ♪

♪ the way you move, boy ♪

♪ come here, boy, I know that if I like you ♪

♪ the way you dress, the way you talk... ♪

[Knock on the door]

Dee Dee: Hey, Mona.

I have something to tell you.

Me first. Roland aced the Adam test!

And just to be sure, when I asked him,

he couldn't name a single character from will & grace.

So, for once I'm happy to say

that you were right and I was wrong.

And I'm ashamed to say for once that you were right and I was wrong.

Wow. It feels funny saying that.

I don't like it.

The point is, your man does have a flaw.

Roland's living in his car.

What?

While I was jogging,

I spotted him getting a paper outside my gym in his slippers.

Then he got back in his car,

shaved, ate breakfast, and ironed his shirt on the dash.

Come to think of it,

he did have a pile of suits in the backseat when we went out,

but he said he just picked them up from his dry-cleaners.

Oh, Mona.

You know, I never have been to his house.

Or maybe you have.

Ah-ahem!

Phyllis! You didn't have to come down here for me.

Don't flatter yourself. I'm here for the muzak.

Word on the street is

they have a steel drum version of 'tie a yellow ribbon'.

So... how you holding up?

Good. Not so good.

Changes by the second.

I guess I should be thankful they found the lump

during the consultation for my breast enlargement.

My vanity may have saved my life.

And you couldn't tell your family, huh?

I wanted to tell Dee Dee. Got to the door and froze up.

And Charles?

Oh, please. The man gets nauseous watching me floss.

And I didn't want to alarm him until I knew what I was dealing with.

I mean...

What if they find something awful?

What if I lose my breast?

What's Charles gonna do then?

Love his wife!

Charles may be a lot of things,

but what he isn't is shallow...

And don't you dare tell him I said that!

I may be the one that's shallow.

I mean, I can't help thinking, "I'm not gonna be myself anymore."

Less of a woman.

Oh, please! Listen up.

There's only one organ that defines a woman.

Her brain. Everything else is just...

Window dressing.

When did you get so philosophical about all this?

Five years ago. The same thing happened to me.

It did?

Yep. And I had to go through the whole aspiration procedure.

But I was too proud... or too stupid... to tell anybody,

so... I went through it alone.

Wasn't easy.

Always thought one was a little lopsided.

The point is

my tests came back negative.

And I'm sure yours will, too.

Mrs. Thorne, we're ready for you.

Lopsided, my ass!

Ha ha. Yeah, this can only happen to Mona.

I mean, our girl is dating a homeless.

Where'd you meet him, soup kitchen?

For your information, at a mixer for young professionals,

and Roland is not homeless.

Maybe he's just... Thinking outside the box.

Hello? He's one step away from living in one.

Hey, if you ever have kids,

I hear u-haul makes a boomin' nursery.

You're both so small.

Not small... subcompact!

All right, all right! I don't understand this madness either,

but somebody who drives a broken-down Vespa

or his grandma's cutlass with saran wrap windows

should not pass judgment.

I think we can.

Because we don't live in them!

I hate it when you're right. Get out!

Hey, let's go to the car dealership down the street.

I'm in the market for a one-bedroom with a rear wiper!

Hey!

I'm over here!

Mr. Peeper!

I won't be ignored!

Come on! I'm giving you gold here!

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

Aren't you gonna get that?

Oh, I know who it is.

[Roland, on answering machine] Hey, Mona. Just trying again.

Haven't heard from you all day.

Hit me on my cell.

That was a man.

Your man. Why aren't your picking up for your man?

Well, he's not my man anymore.

Why not? It sounds like he forgave you for whatever you did.

I didn't do anything.

Then what did he do?

He didn't do anything, either.

So, now you're dumping a man for nothing? Hmph.

You got control-top panties and nobody to control 'em for.

It's his living situation.

What, he's living with his mama? 'Cause I can get rid of her.

No, it's not that,

but it is a problem that I don't think I can deal with.

Oh, look, baby,

you can't just ignore someone and not tell them what the problem is.

It's not fair.

The least you can do is talk to him.

You're right, ma. I do owe Roland that.

That's right.

You owe me a grandbaby,

but we'll start back on that tomorrow. Here.

Hey, Roland. Heading home?

Uh, yeah. I was just starting to walk that way.

Oh, I'll walk with you.

Ok.

Oh, look. Here we are.

Ok. So you know.

Look, I'm living in my car,

but in my defense, it is a Mercedes s500.

All right. 6 months ago, I lost everything day trading.

Yeah, my... my savings, my condo.

Luckily, I owned a car outright.

But you have a good job.

Couldn't you sell this car

and use the money for a place?

This car is what people expect a successful man to drive,

and with the money that I save,

I'm able to buy tailor-made suits

and treat myself to massages every week.

Did you ever think that maybe your priorities are a little twisted?

Look, this is just until I get back on my feet.

Come on. Why are we so hung up on living in a structure?

Do you know that our African ancestors

lived in huts smaller than my car?

And that was without heated seats.

I'll say it again. You live in your car.

Listen, Mona. I like you,

and I was trying to find a way to tell you about my situation

because I didn't want you to think I was taking advantage of you.

Or your indoor plumbing.

Well, I guess I can understand that.

Then why don't you get in so we can talk about it?

[Sighs] Ok.

Phyllis, I knew you'd show up

to meddle in your daughter's life sometime today.

Any news?

Everything's ok.

Thank god!

And thank you.

Well, guess you're free to remodel your rack.

[Both laugh]

I've decided against it.

My girls might not be perfect,

but I have never been happier to have them on my team.

[Sighs]

I would, however, be happy to refer you to my surgeon.

Excuse me?

It's never too late to get your ducks in a row,

no matter how far south they've flown.

You wish you had these ducks.

They'd go with those giant webbed feet.

Well, this certainly is... different.

How's your wine?

It's helping.

Car life does have its perks.

In the morning, your front yard can be the pacific.

And at night, you can fall asleep

under the majestic peaks of yosemite.

[Giggles]

But best of all...

[Sun roof opens]

Built-in planetarium.

[Both laugh]

- Oh. - Oh.

Mmm. It's beautiful, huh?

Yeah.

Care to adjourn to the bedroom?

[Presses button]

Uh-oh. Watch out.

Roland, we're right out on the street.

Oh, the windows are tinted.

I'm sorry, Roland, but I just... i can't do this.

But, Mona... no, this is just too crazy for me.

So good-bye... Roland.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

If you change your mind,

you know where to find me.

[Chuckles]

Except on wednesdays

because it's street cleaning day,

and I have to relocate to union square.

Do you think I was wrong?

Are you kidding?

The man served you wine out of the armrest.

That was kinda surreal.

Roland was so in love with himself

that he choose his bourgie image

over a basic necessity of life.

Thanks, sis.

Sometimes I forget what a sensitive,

caring person you can be,

that you take the time to listen...

Shut up. Check it out.

That non-peeping peeping Tom is out walking his dog.

Looks like the dog's walking him.

Now you know why he was ignoring all your little window dances.

I think your peeping Tom is blind.

- Nuh-uh. - Uh-huh. See?

I don't think the white cane is a fashion accessory.

So, all those little peep shows I put out were for nothing?

Well, I wouldn't exactly say for nothing.

Check out the sign on the fifth floor.

"Hey, sexy. How about a flashdance?"

Sicko!

[Theme music playing]

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