Original subtitles

J.w.: ♪ I can't see myself ♪

♪ eh-eh-eh-eh yeah ♪

♪ but I don't know what you got ♪

♪ till it's gone, and that's why ♪

♪ I'll be check... check... Checkin' you out ♪

♪ girl, I'll be checkin' you out ♪

♪ I'll be check... check... Checkin' you out ♪

♪ I'll be checkin' you out ♪

That was pretty good, Spence.

Jon west got some skills.

Ok, hand me the next audition tape.

Oop. There is no next tape.

The box is empty.

You mean we've seen them all?

What do we do? How do we act?

Who cares? Let's get out of here.

Let's go see the sun.

Yeah!

Back into the mines, people.

There's 5 more boxes where these came from,

but if you give me 50 bucks, I can lose 4 of 'em.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Good morning, worker bees.

Tired of hangin' out

in Mona's office, Spencer.

Well, I was just... save it.

Mona, you've made me very happy,

and when I'm happy, everybody's happy, you feel me?

Oh, I'm glad that worked out...

Save it. Ok.

Your work on the talent search is paying off:

Over 100,000 hits on the website,

and essence magazine finally wants to do

a full-length feature on me.

My mother's been waiting on that one.

Kai, before you leave,

I got a little somethin' for you.

A little? You should give yourself more credit,

and you had your chance.

How would you feel about signing

R.j. Jackson? That man is fine.

He's the hottest act out there.

I love him, and he is fine.

How can we get him?

Well, we were playin' ball this weekend, right?

And he told me his label was folding

and he's lookin' to make a deal.

So I say we go get him.

Nice scoop, but you know why he's not already signed?

He parties too damn much. He's notoriously difficult,

and the last time I saw him, he graffiti-tagged al roker

on the today show.

Look, that brother went platinum 3 times.

All he needs is a little guidance.

Fine. Let him sign with Dr. Phil.

Wow, all of that, and not a lick of sense.

Mona, help me out here.

You know once Kai makes up her mind

it's hard to change it,

but signing r.J. Would be huge,

plus I would have access to

his home phone number.

And this will be my chance

to finally prove myself to Kai.

I mean, I've already been overlooked for promotions,

and I'm not getting any younger.

In 5 years, I'm gonna be ancient

in the music business.

All right, I'll talk to Kai.

But give me a donut.

I wanna make sure she's fed first.

Woman, southern accent: Just because I wear a bustier

in the middle of the day

doesn't mean I'm not a lady.

Man, southern accent: I'm not here

to see the lady.

I'm here to see the woman.

Those voices are coming from your apartment.

What are southerners doing in your apartment?

They better not be gettin' naked on my $5,000 couch.

All right, keep your pants on,

or I'll...

What's goin' on here?

Big Dee Dee's helping me get ready

for my actor's showcase.

There's a lot of agents coming to see me.

And who better to help me prepare

than la big diva?

I'm so blessed. I feel compelled to help

the little people.

Then why aren't you helping him

at your house?

Well, we tried,

but the southern accent

was making you father a little Randy.

And I couldn't go to Adam's neighborhood.

If the gay boys knew I was there,

they would follow me like puppies.

I'm sorry. I completely tuned

you out after "Randy."

I can't tell you how much your mother has taught me.

She's fabulous. You know, they're

still talking about her Evita

in Phoenix?

How do you know that?

Because when I go to Phoenix,

I talk about it.

Mona, I want to introduce you to r.J.

Hey, Mona.

R.j. Pleasure.

Yeah, some people call me r.J. Pleasure.

[Giggles]

I'm a huge fan.

I have legally downloaded all of your music.

My Ferrari dealer thanks you.

You know, I've always heard good things

about delicious.

Oh, and here's one

of the best things: Kai Owens.

Lookin' good! How you doin', girl?

Ready to work. Can I say the same for you?

Absolutely. I know why you said that.

Brother used to have a reputation for knowing

how to get the party started.

Yeah, like at the ascap dinner

at the palms in Vegas?

You took your shoes off, put your feet

in the lobster tank,

and sang sittin' on the dock of the bay.

Hey, I got a standing o.,

and all the lobsters in the tank.

What can I say?

But those stunts are in the past,

and r.J.'S lookin' for a new home.

Where he'll be known for his music,

not his reputation.

What she said.

Mona, a word.

You think we should do somethin' with this guy?

Oh, yeah. Spencer

has a real handle on him.

Maybe r.J. Could do a track

on our Valentine compilation cd.

Remember you hated

what the poo pilots did.

Mona, I hate everything the poo pilots do.

So, look, the cd press is in 3 days,

but we do have studio time booked.

Ok, I'm gonna give you guys a shot.

Ah-ha, thanks, Kai.

Yeah. We gonna work this out

for you, too.

Good.

I'm out. A'ight.

And, Spencer,

on time, on budget,

and on your head if he blows it.

Ok.

Good.

Damn! She left a dent in my arm.

Don't mess this up.

I've seen her crack walnuts with her bare hands.

Big Dee Dee: Hello, hello!

I just had dinner with Adam.

As the wee one and I enjoyed

our banana's foster,

I realized what was missing in my life.

Please don't say grandchildren

'cause Phyllis has given up on Mona

and she's startin' to sweat me.

No. What's missing is the theater,

and what's missing from the theater is me.

So I signed up for the showcase,

and it's only gonna cost me $1,000,

plus the 1,000 I spotted Adam

after his check bounced.

You have to pay to get discovered?

I don't know, mom.

Well, this particular showcase

has helped actors get discovered

for years.

Mom, I know you're still trying to find yourself,

but it's kind of hard to get on board when one week

you're redecorating the house

and the next week you're talking about

breeding chinchillas.

Why do you hurt me with your words?

Here I confide my deepest desires,

and you just crush my spirit with

your callous disregard.

Oh, mom, I'm sorry. I did not mean

to hurt your feelings.

Sucker!

I was acting.

With or without your support,

I'm going back to the theater.

If Cher can come back 10 times,

I damn sure can come back once.

Man, it's almost 3 A.M. where's r.J.?

I'm really getting worried.

You should be. I just went into double-golden overtime.

Hey, yo! What's up, Spence?

R.j., where you been, man?

Damn. I was this close to gettin' a pair of gators

off layaway.

My bad, man, yo.

I was just out celebrating

my potential new label

with my spiritual advisors here.

As you can see,

my spirits are lookin' up right now.

Yeah, and I know

what you celebrated with.

Are you even gonna be able to stand up

to the mic?

Man, I can sing layin' down.

Ain't that right, spirits?

Please don't blow this, r.J.

I got a lot ridin' on this.

Yo, I feel you, but you don't understand

the pressure,

mypressure.

Man, I gotta please my fans. I got half my family

on my payroll.

And these spirits don't come cheap.

Ladies, could you wait outside?

Oh...

He called us ladies.

You're sweet.

We'll be on the corner.

Yo, just give me a sec, man.

Those spirits kinda wear a brother out!

You know what I mean?

I'm sure if we

give him a couple of minutes,

he'll be fine.

[Snoring]

Damn!

Enh, enh, enh... Enh!

Now what am I'm gonna do?

I gotta get this track recorded.

Well, unless you wanna lay some beats down to

the sound of snoring,

it's not gonna be tonight.

Tuh! Well, I'm done...

Toast!

My career is over.

Unless...

You know, you actually sounded pretty good

during the mic check.

Maybe you could lay down the track yourself.

Please. I can't do that.

Can I?

If I can make j-lo sound almost as good as she looks,

I can make you sound like r.J. Jackson.

Well, r.J...

Leave a brother no choice.

Let's do this.

Guess this means I gotta work.

[Music plays]

Eh-heh-heh.

♪ Um ♪

♪ oh ♪

♪ girl, I sing this song to you ♪

♪ baby ♪

♪ for giving so much to me ♪

♪ you can't possibly give more

♪ oh, no, no ♪

♪ this is why I'm thankful for ♪

♪ having you oh baby ♪

♪ yeah, whatever you want ♪

♪ you can have, girl ♪

♪ you can have it, girl ♪

♪ just say the word ♪

I like it,

but I always thought r.J.'S voice

was a little higher.

Uh, he had a little bit of a cold.

Hmm. Not bad, but pass.

We don't want to be the first label r.J.

Doesn't go platinum on.

But... but I thought he sounded pretty good.

There you go thinkin' again.

It's like r.J. Lost his edge.

Sounds like he's partied his voice out.

This is definitely not the r.J. Who sang

put your top on, girl.

Hold on. Hold on, Kai.

Spencer does have one more day

to get r.J. To give this track

what it needs.

And I can even make it better.

I mean, not me, per se,

'cause I'm not the singer, r.J.'S the singer.

All right, one more try, and consider yourself lucky

that I got lucky last night.

That's why I'm in such a fabulous mood.

I've heard that happens.

Yeah.

Hey, Mona, my actor showcase

is tonight, and I need to rehearse,

so I'm gonna blow off the rest of the afternoon,

and by "blowing off," I mean working my fingers

to the bone for my full 10-hour shift. Eh-heh heh!

Mediocre help is so hard to find,

but so fun to yell at.

Hey, where the hell you think you're goin'?

Put them damn car keys down, boy.

Patient's anxiety levels appear to be down,

but no improvement on the b.O.

Note to self: Suggest phone sessions.

[Knock on door]

Hey, Phyllis.

Spencer, what are you doing here?

Ahh...

I have a big problem, and I need your

professional opinion.

Well, I have 10 minutes before my next client.

Come on. Sit down.

So this is where you shrink heads.

Are you treating female sex addicts?

Now you have 9 minutes.

Ok, it's about this...

Friend that I work with.

They're very successful,

but I'm afraid they're gonna throw it all away

because they have a little problem.

Oh, lord, my baby's on the drugs!

Huh? why didn't I see it?

I knew Mona was working too hard.

And some of those clothes she wears,

I should've known she was high.

Phyllis, I'm not talking about Mona.

Have to be. You don't have any other friends.

Mona's not on anything.

But I came to you because I can't go to her

about this.

I put our butts on the line to sign a new artist,

and he's blowin' it.

How do I get him to do what I need him to do?

Who are you talking about?

R.j. Jackson. Ooh! He's fine!

And he would look good with Mona.

You know she love her man with some problems.

I'm sorry. I just got a little excited.

But imagine the pressure

he must feel to stay on top.

From my experience,

people who act out like that

are just beggin' for a firmer hand.

You sayin' I should slap him?

Not literally,

but you should do for him what his mama didn't.

You tell him it's time to put up or shut up.

It's called tough love.

You're right.

Thank you, Phyllis.

Don't thank me. Pay me.

Who's your insurance carrier?

Oh, man, I can't believe you were in a strip club

in the middle of the afternoon,

although it is good to know

they're open that early.

Hey, man, I just need to unwind before we lay

this thing down, baby.

Did you even go to sleep?

Nah. That's how I flow.

Look, man, stop acting out.

Get in that booth and sing the damn song.

Damn. Nobody talk to me like that, man.

Hey, I'm just sayin' it out of love...

Manly love.

You know, the kind of love men have

for men...

Like on a team.

Wow, just get in the booth.

Nice speech. Yeah.

Except at the end, got a little gay.

♪ Whoa-oh ho-oh-oh ♪

♪ oh, yeah, baby ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ girl, I sing this song to you ♪

♪ for giving me something ♪

♪ something, something ♪

Oh, no!

♪ You can't possibly ♪

♪ know the words ♪

♪ and this is why I sing ♪

♪ sing, sing ♪

♪ hey! ♪

♪ Ooh hoo ♪

♪ ah! ♪

Hey, guys.

Just stopped by to see if you

need any help.

How you doin', r.J.?

Uh, shh! Shh! Shh!

Don't disturb him.

He's gettin' ready for his next take.

Uh, he's in his zen zone.

Oh... ok.

Then I'll just sit and watch quietly.

Shh. [Chuckles]

Ok, normally, I would take this

as a compliment,

except he's drooling on me!

Look, I know this doesn't look good, but...

It doesn't smell good, either.

What is that,

cigar and slutty girl perfume?

It's not me, is it?

No. It's definitely him.

What's goin' on here?

The end of Spencer's career.

He's been fightin' for it, though.

What happened?

Because r.J. Sounded great on

his tape the other day.

Um... about that.

You're gonna laugh. [Chuckles]

See, that was me singin'.

Really? That was you? You sounded great.

Thanks. You know, I felt pretty good about it.

Yeah. There's only one problem.

Mm-hmm.

You're not r.J.!

Look, I put my ass on the line for you.

Mona, I was desperate.

This was my one chance to stand out.

So you dragged me down with you?

Thanks a lot, friend.

Mona, I can fix this!

I promise!

[Knocking]

Oh, hey. Hey.

Mona's not home, and she changed the locks

on me again.

Can I use your little girls' room?

Only if you promise not to rifle through

my medicine cabinet.

Fine!

But only because I reallyhave to go.

Hey, why aren't you at your showcase?

Unfortunately,

it was like Phyllis and Charles' wedding:

A sham.

The producers apparently ran into tax trouble,

and their solution was to run off

with everybody's money.

Wow, I'm sorry to hear that.

You were right, I suppose.

That part of my life is over.

I should just appreciate

the things I have

and devote myself to being a good wife,

mother,

and devastating beauty.

Mom, I hate to see you like this.

Let me get you some Frangelico.

Thank you. Coco, stay.

I'm just gonna freshen up.

Mother! No!!

[Screaming]

I just saw Phyllis on the toilet

with her polyester pants around her ankles.

Skip the Frangelico. Bring me the Jack, baby.

♪ You can have it, girl ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪ just say the word ♪

♪ and it's yours ♪ ♪ it's yours ♪

♪ there's nothing too good ♪

♪ there's nothing too good ♪

♪ for my girl ♪

♪ yeah ♪

Now, this is the r.J. I know and love.

So, did the man come through

or what?

R.j., you sound amazing.

It is r.J., right?

On time and on budget.

Good work, Spencer.

R.j., you've got yourself a spot

on the delicious sampler.

Ya ha ha ha!

That's it?

That's all you got?

Until you can prove you can pull it together

for more than a week,

that's all i'm willing to commit.

My bad, dog.

Sorry I couldn't get you more

than that one song.

No need for apologies.

I just appreciate you believing in me...

Proppin' me up...

Pouring coffee down my throat,

and yellin' at me.

You're a class act, man, but, yo,

I got L.A. Reid outside in the limo.

You got L.A. outside?

Yep. He throws a hell of a party.

I let him hear the single today,

and he's ready to sign a 3-album deal,

but I wanted to give you first crack at it

since you're my boy.

Ah, my man!

Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry it didn't work. Later.

Man, what the hell just happened here?

Did I just get punked?

Yeah, you did.

Oh..

Well, at least I made some progress with Kai.

Thanks for having my back. It meant a lot.

Spence, I'm always on your side,

but if you pull another sing-it-yourself stunt,

I will let Kai crack you like a nut.

And I'll deserve it,

although I did sound pretty good.

You know, I've always dreamed about

having a recording career.

And I've always dreamed of having manageable hair

and a mother who doesn't know where I live,

but some dreams just aren't meant to be.

I can't believe you found my old scrapbook.

Oh, look, there's me in westside story...

Chorus line.

The all-black production of Fiddler on the roof.

[Sighs]

What memories.

Oh...

You know, when I was flipping through this,

I noticed that there are a lot of empty pages.

You owe it to yourself to fill these up.

Oh, Dee, you really think so?

I do. You need to show the world

how good you still are.

I'm gonna do it.

Dee Dee Thorne is back!

Hold on to your Tonys: They're not safe.

To the stage!

Whahh!

Yeah!

Oh, god, what have I done?

Woman: Woohoo! [Giggles]

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