Original subtitles

Our trip down the California coast was so much fun.

It was such a scenic drive,

we forgot all about our destination,

and we let the road take us on an adventure.

Well, the map flew out of the sunroof,

so we really didn't have much choice.

[Laughs]

Well, that would explain this picture of you two

next to the "welcome to Idaho" sign.

[Both laugh] [Knock on the door]

Oh! Ray, Phyllis, glad you're here.

I wanted to invite you for Thanksgiving dinner.

I knew Mona wouldn't have any plans,

but I wasn't sure about you two.

Hey, I might've had some pl...

Ok, no, I don't.

Well, you can count me in, but ray can't make it.

Yeah. I have a charity concert in Los Angeles

for big brothers big sisters.

I have to go with snoop dogg.

- You know snoop? - Ray: Mm-hmm.

For shizzle, my dizzle.

Ma, snoop doesn't actually say that anymore.

For rizzle?

Anyway, it's ok that we're not gonna spend

our first Thanksgiving together.

I'll just save you some Turkey

and then when you're done with that,

we'll get down with some dessert.

Now...

That's something to be thankful for.

This is not something I wanna hear about.

Me nizzle.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

All right, so the first thing we're gonna do

is add a wee bit of grand Marnier

to the chocolate, like that, and I promise you,

that is gonna have you beg, beg, begging for more.

Taste that.

Mmm. Let the beg, beg, begging begin.

- [Knock on the door] - Come in!

Hey, Dee Dee, I just wanted to know...

Wow! It smells like you've got Willy wonka cookin' up in here!

Mona, I want to introduce you to...

Oh, my god! Tyler Florence!

I watch you on TV all the time

because of your cute... recipes.

Yeah, I get that a lot.

I hear I got the cutest recipes in the business.

Daddy hired him to make Thanksgiving dinner,

and he got Tyler to give me private lessons, too.

We are creating a chocolate pilgrim village,

complete with each member of our family.

You know what, Dee Dee? You're right.

I think sculpting her hair is gonna be a little tough.

What do you think about a chocolate hat instead,

just a...

Hey, girls.

Just checking on how things are going with Tyler.

Hey, money man. How you doin'?

- [Chuckles] - Tyler is unbelievable.

He transformed an ordinary block of chocolate

into a perfect little me.

He's just finishing up my pecan pumps.

Well, I'm glad he's working out.

So, Mona, you gonna bring Nick to Thanksgiving dinner?

Nick and I broke up, 6 months ago.

Oh. I think I remember Dee Dee mentioning something about that.

She may have, 6 months ago.

Oh, well, I never liked him anyway.

You never met him!

Well, why should I waste my time

on somebody I never liked?

[Woman] ♪ no matter how deep the pain ♪

♪ no matter how much it aches ♪

♪ I'm gonna be there for you ♪

- [Knock on the door] - ♪ no matter how hard... ♪

Hey, Mona. You'll never guess who's flying in for Thanksgiving.

My mom.

Oh! I haven't seen Tonya

since she helped you carry me home from that frat party!

Oh, yeah! Toga-fest.

I wore silk sheets, and all the girls kept sliding off my lap.

Please! They were jumping off.

Hey, do you think your mom's

gonna wanna see ray while she's here?

No way. She doesn't know about my dad,

and it's gonna stay that way.

I mean, they did not end on good terms.

But she kept his picture so she could still yell at him.

Who are you tellin'? I'm president

of the children of bitter parents club.

We meet every Wednesday at 5:00, and the new guy brings cookies.

[Knock on the door]

Hot chocolate coming through, and I don't mean me.

I need more space for my extended candy family.

Ooh, did you bring some for your sister?

Here. Eat grandma.

She didn't call me on my birthday.

Hey, Dee Dee, my mom's coming to town.

Do you mind if I bring her to Thanksgiving?

Oh, of course not, but I hope she's petite,

'cause I'm down to 2 blocks of chocolate.

You know, I'm happy my mom is coming, but I'm still bummed

'cause I can't spend the holiday with my dad.

And why is he spending Thanksgiving with snoop?

I mean, how would snoop like it if I spent Thanksgiving with his dad?

I can honestly say I've never asked myself that question.

I guess I'm just disappointed he chose work over me.

Well, I say get used to the fact that some fathers...

And by "some" I mean ours... were put on this earth to disappoint.

You really think that about your dad?

Please. He has no idea what's going on with me ever,

but I pretend he does, and I let him think I'm fine.

May be phony, but it works.

Well, it doesn't work for me.

Ooh!

Hey, I'm just about to bite into Nana's good hip.

Mona, your attitude about daddy is unfair to both of you.

People who eavesdrop from the kitchen aren't allowed to comment.

Then people in the living room shouldn't talk so loud.

Dee Dee, it's none of your business.

Have we met?

When it comes to my father and my sister, it's always my business.

Yeah. Where you been?

I think daddy has tried to connect with you,

but maybe somebody needs to meet him halfway.

Wow. She came down on you kind of hard.

That's why I'm gonna go eat 2 more relatives.

- This one's delicious. - Big Dee Dee: Mm-hmm.

You know, you're really not supposed to drink the cooking wine.

Oh, after a few glasses, it all tastes the same, dear.

Well, you know, if you insist on being in here,

can you tell me where you keep the carving set?

Like I have a clue.

That's the maid's department,

and Elsa took the day off.

Even though I am pretty sure Thanksgiving

is not a holiday in Helsinki.

Then shouldn't you be with your baby drew? Remember him?

Nanny's got him covered.

But then you know who does need you?

Dee Dee. I heard her call from the other room.

Yeah. Thanks for coming in. I'll let you know when it's done.

Thank you. Your help's been great.

I'll see you later, ok? Ok.

Phew.

You needed me?

No.

I'm the one who told you Tyler needed you.

Well, apparently I'm a very needed person,

because everywhere I go, people tell me I'm needed elsewhere.

[Doorbell rings]

Now I need you to get the door.

Can you believe this? Now I have to answer the door in my own home.

What's next? Injecting my own Botox?

Phyllis. It must be Thanksgiving.

The Turkey's here!

What do you say we play pilgrims and Indians?

You being me food, and I'll bring you smallpox and wipe out your kind.

Ah, Phyllis.

Luckily, you're barely audible through my 4 glasses of wine.

Hey, ma, your car is dripping oil.

It's gonna stain their driveway.

Shh. I loosened the cap myself.

Where's Spencer and Tonya?

I don't think they're here yet.

[Sighs] I'm excited to finally meet Spencer's mom,

but a little nervous about meeting Ray's ex.

Thank god he's not here.

'Cause it would be pretty awkward?

No, 'cause I can eat as much as I want

without him clocking my intake.

Why do you think I wore my eating pants?

'Cause all your pants are eating pants.

Hey, you two. Come look at my completed chocolate village.

See? There we all are.

Congratulations, Phyllis.

It took the most chocolate to make you.

And I can tell which one is you.

It's the Kahlua-filled one that's towering

over the rest of the village.

Could we try to be a happy family

when Spencer and his mom get here?

Oh, and while we're doing that,

let's also not mention ray.

Spencer's mom doesn't know that they've reconnected,

and he'd like to keep it that way.

Ooh, a secret!

Next to diamonds, they're my favorite things.

- The bigger, the better. - [Doorbell rings]

Obviously, that's not how you feel about husbands.

Welcome, Tonya.

- Love the shoes. - Thank you!

Thank you, Spencer. Come on in.

Ok.

Hi!

[Spencer] Hey, everyone.

I'd like y'all to meet my mother, Tonya.

That's big Dee Dee, Dee Dee, Phyllis,

and you know Mona.

Oh, Mona, it's great to see you again...

In something other than a toga.

It is so wonderful to meet you.

Oh, Phyllis, likewise, after all these years.

I feel like we've already shared so much.

More than you know.

And now, I finally know the woman

who's been looking after my Spencer.

That's not the only man she's been looking after.

[Stomp]

And I am happy to finally meet the woman

who raised him so well.

You know, between us,

I used to think Spencer and Mona were gonna end up together.

Well, you know what I think?

I'll tell you what I think.

I think the exact same thing, but for now,

I'm gonna just bide my time

and wait on my grandbabies.

It's like there are 2 of them now.

Never mix cooking wine with Percocet. Never!

Happy Thanksgiving.

For all the women in my life.

That's so sweet, Charles.

Yeah, dad. It's very thoughtful of you.

I think Mona and I will go get some water

to put all these pretty flowers in. Mona, follow me.

Oh. I thought it was the big one.

Mona, why didn't you tell daddy you're allergic to lilies?

Because I'm not. I outgrew that.

Oh. Then you can smell the Cranberries cooking.

[Stuffy] Of course I can smell the Cranberries...

There are no Cranberries cooking!

You don't have to lie to daddy about the lilies.

You know, this is the perfect chance

for you to stop being phony

and take a step toward having an honest relationship.

Mmm, she's right, you know.

Hey, I don't just cook. I listen.

Anyway, Dee Dee,

it's too late for me and dad

to have anything more than what we've got.

Well, I'm not buying that.

I mean, don't you even care

about setting an example for our baby brother

by actually resolving family conflicts?

Have you learned nothing from the reruns of " the cosby show"?

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, my. Ray.

What an interesting and hopefully explosive surprise.

I hope you don't mind my dropping by,

but snoop said I should be home with my family for Thanksgiving.

Actually, he told me to break out of the 3-1-0

and go kick it with la familiaat the crib.

But I'm pretty sure that meant the same thing.

- You know? Yeah. - Big Dee Dee: Yeah.

Then come in. [Laughs]

Just be a dear and let me get a better vantage point first.

Tonya.

Ray.

- Crap! - Crap!

How ugly do you think this is gonna get?

What is this man doing here?

Uh, mom, this is dad. Dad, mom.

I guess you remember each other.

What I don't remember is somebody telling me

that she was going to be here.

Ray, you're bald.

There is Karma after all.

Hey, I have an idea!

Let's take a tour of the grounds.

Ray, you go that way and, Tonya, you go the other.

Yeah, you won't meet up for days.

We do have a lot of grounds.

Tonya: Uh-uh.

I'm not going anywhere till somebody tells me

what this man is doing here.

- Um, I w... - Ray: Tonya.

Let's go talk about this in the kitchen.

Ray, you don't tell me what to do.

Let's go talk about this in the kitchen.

Fine. Where's the kitchen?

Tonya: You've got some nerve showing...

I can't believe this is happening.

I can. It's just like old times.

Well, since we're all here and already uncomfortable,

Mona, don't you have something you wanna say to daddy?

I certainly do.

Thanks again for the flowers.

Spencer,

your father thinks it would be best for everyone if I left.

So, I'm staying.

[Big Dee Dee] We're happy to have you.

We'll just have to shuffle the seating.

Ray, would you like to sit next to your ex-wife or your girlfriend?

Your girlfriend?

Oops.

You didn't know Phyllis was dating ray?

Oh, silly me! [Laughs]

I was thinking seating arrangements,

not the sordid lives of my guests.

Before we eat... some of us more than we should...

Let's keep with our tradition

of everyone expressing what they're thankful for.

Personally, I'm thankful that I have a beautiful new baby boy

and a rich, fulfilling life...

Emphasis on rich. Ahem.

Who's next?

I'll go. Um...

I'm thankful to be surrounded

by honest, loving family members

who are always open with each other.

Tonya: I agree.

And in that same spirit,

I am thankful to have a son

who would never keep secrets from the woman

who raised him all by herself.

And I'm thankful to have a compassionate mother

who understands the difficult choices

her son has been forced to make.

And I am thankful to be able to spend Thanksgiving

with the people I love...

And others.

And I'm thankful to be in the center

of an uncomfortable triangle.

I'm thankful for all of you.

Ahem. And I'm thankful for the flowers dad gave me.

- No, you're not! - Yes, I am. They're pretty.

And I'm thankful for my new son,

my beautiful wife, and my 2 lovely daughters:

Dee Dee, who just made law review,

is in the top 1% of her class

and is going to be graduating

in 5 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days;

and Mona,

who has a wonderful career in music.

That's it?

That's all you're gonna say about me?

And I'm thankful that...

You don't have to wear your eye patch anymore.

Thank you for noticing.

Did you also notice my watery eyes?

They're from the lilies you gave me.

They also made my throat close up.

You know why? 'Cause I'm allergic to them,

and I have been ever since I was three!

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

And that's exactly the problem.

Either you're not paying attention

or I just don't matter.

Of course you matter.

Then why were you clueless that Nick and I broke up 6 months ago?

Dad, you don't know anything about my tastes, my social life.

You don't even know my best friend's name.

Chester?

All: It's Spencer!

I'd kind of gotten used to Chester.

You know, and another thing...

I think you're thankful enough.

No, I don't think I am, because this is feeling way too good to stop!

Ma, I do not need 36 rolls of toilet paper from costco every week!

No human being goes to the bathroom that much!

Big Dee Dee, you're rich! News flash: We got it!

And where the hell is coco?

Because I would like to thank her for a little present

she left on my carpet 2 weeks ago!

Well, I'm thankful that's over.

What in the hell got into Mona?

This has taken the art of dinner theater

to a whole new level. [Laughs]

Mom, could you pass the stuffing?

Um, Phyllis, I meant to tell you earlier.

Don't let ray go out for cigarettes, 'cause if you do,

you might not see him for another 20 years.

If you were more supportive of my career,

I might've come back from that 7-Eleven.

People throwing change in your saxophone case

outside of penn station is nota music career.

Still waitin' on that stuffing.

I only took up the saxophone to drown out your nagging!

Well, if you hated me so much,

then why are you still wearing

that worthless pinkie ring I gave you?

'Cause it looks good on my finger.

She gave that to you?

Yeah. That and a bleeding ulcer.

And I hope you still got that, too.

Anybody want anything from the 7-Eleven?

What is it about Thanksgiving

that brings out the worst in us?

And when I say "us," I mean you.

Maybe it's the little monster on my shoulder

that keeps egging me on.

And when I say "little monster," I mean you.

Mona.

I was hoping to find you here.

I brought you these.

Tulips.

They're my favorite.

Isn't that thoughtful?

Why don't I go look for a vase...

In the bedroom?

Look, it came to my attention...

And to the attention of everyone else at the table...

That you might be a little upset with me.

Mona, when you were growing up,

I should've been there for you more.

Go on.

I should've gotten to know you better

and fought harder to keep you in my life.

I haven't exactly made it easy for you, dad.

Having a wall up when you're around

doesn't help you to get to know me.

Sweetheart,

to get to the really good stuff in life,

we have to let our guards down.

We have to take the chance that we might get hurt.

I'd like to have a...

A better and deeper relationship.

Daddy, I would love that.

Yay!

Now there's peace in the chocolate village!

Man, that was some drama yesterday.

I mean, now I know how you felt all these years

being caught between parents.

Seems like whatever we say or do is wrong.

Tell me about it. When it comes to my mom and dad,

I just lay low and wait for the shooting to stop.

Do you ever think it would be easier

if we were born with only one parent?

Sure. Not as many Christmas presents to buy.

Cheaper phone bills.

Fewer people barging in to your life.

Don't mind me.

Just stopping by with some groceries

and to tell you what an amazing day I had.

I woke up at the crack of dawn

and was at the outlets by the time they opened.

Gotta beat the other women to get the good fake leather.

Oh, and I broke up with ray.

- Spencer: What? - Ma, why?

Because there is still some chemistry between ray and Tonya.

Really?

The only thing I saw between 'em was fighting.

I didn't say it was good chemistry.

Look, ray and I sat up all night talking

and the more we talked,

the more he realized he still had some feelings for Tonya.

So I told him to move out.

Wow.

You sure about this?

Listen, if I was younger,

I might say we could just spend some time apart,

but I just don't have that kind of time to wait anymore.

Hell, I barely have time to wait for microwave popcorn.

Ma, I'm so sorry this didn't work out.

Me, too. You know, I spent a lot of years

hoping a man would come along who loved me,

and I deserve one who wants to be with me and only me.

I really hoped it was ray, but it's not.

I know that man's still out there for you.

Is he?

Remember, every man that's not the one

just takes you that much closer to the one who is.

My mother taught me that.

She is a wise and beautiful woman.

Yes, she is.

[Laughs] Ohh.

Well, ladies, it looks like we're all single again,

but at least we could all be here for each other, huh?

[Cell phone rings]

Ooh, that's Sheila from the gym.

I'm about to hit it!

Hello, chocolate Phyllis.

Feeling small, powerless?

Well, no one can help you now.

[High-pitched voice] No, no! You're fabulous!

I bow down to you!

[Normal voice] Why, Phyllis, that's such a lovely compliment,

but it's too little, too late!

Ahem.

[Muffled] I can explain.

The only thing you have to explain is why you're not sharing.

Well, break me off a foot, woman!

[Laughing]

Mmm! Mm-hmm!

All right! [Laughs]

Look, she's headless.

[Laughing]

[Theme music playing]

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