Original subtitles

Mona Thorne.

Yes, bill, you'll have the press

packets on time.

Ok. Bye.

Mona Thorne.

Oh, Jim, I need a list of the cities

hosting the events,

and I need it now. Thank you.

What else you need, baby girl?

Chauncey, show some respect.

I am a vice president.

My bad.

What else you need,

vice president baby girl?

Man, this talent search is wearing me out.

For once when I tell the ladies

I'm working late,

I'm not lying.

Sorry, Mona.

I couldn't fit the delicious logo

onto the contest rules.

It seems I can't shrink things.

I can only make them larger.

Take that any way you like.

I don't know how we're going to get

everything finished.

You know what we need?

I'll tell you what we need.

We need an assistant.

Done! You need some help?

I got you some help.

How did you know?

Please. I'm the boss.

I pay myself way more than I pay you

to anticipate these things.

How much more?

You can't count that high.

Everybody, this is Derek.

Derek, meet Mona, Spencer, and Adam.

Mona's the one that matters.

Welcome to delicious, Derek.

Now usually, we take you out to lunch on

your first day,

but we don't have time to eat anymore.

So let's get crackin'.

Well, uh, Mona, Spencer, Adam,

I just want to take this time

to thank you all for this opportunity,

and what better way to say thank you

than with food?

So... for Mona,

I got you

a chocolate chip cookie.

Oh.

Spencer, you look like a brownie man.

And for Adam,

a cupcake that captures

his essence.

Oh, my favorite.

Hello, kitty.

Are you psychic or something?

I'm your assistant. It's my job to know.

I'll go get my things.

Let's just hope he can spell.

Who cares?

My cupcake has pudding in the center.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

And since we're going to the aquarium,

I decided on a theme lunch:

Tuna fish sandwiches, goldfish crackers,

and cookies shaped like shamu.

Isn't Dee Dee amazing?

I mean, I don't know how she finds time

for me and the girls

and still goes to law school.

Well, it helps to play hooky once in a while.

I'm telling.

[Both laugh]

Carter, not in front of the girls.

Not in front of me.

So, girls, tuna fish, huh?

Hey, did you know you can tune a guitar,

but you can't tuna fish?

[Mona laughs]

Kids don't get me.

We only laugh when it's funny.

Well, hello.

And good-bye. Time to go, kids.

Carter del torro.

It's about time I met the famous author.

You know, I thought

it was just your picture on the book jacket,

but your head is big.

[Laughs]

I bet you're Phyllis.

Cute kids. Same mama?

You're definitely Phyllis.

Ok, little fishes, let's get swimming.

Dee Dee and kids: Yay!

"Tune a guitar?" Oh, Mona.

[Door closes]

Ha. Dee Dee's got a man.

Where your man?

Believe me, ma, if I knew,

I would put on my good underwear and go there.

So how does big girl feel about being

a big grandma?

Actually, big Dee Dee doesn't know about Carter.

I know something about her daughter

she doesn't?

Whoo! How am I gonna drop this bomb?

You are not gonna tell her anything.

You never let me have any fun.

Welcome to my childhood.

Derek, where is the mailing list

I asked you to do...

Ah, ah. Pleasure before business, Mona.

I painted this for you.

Oh! "World's greatest boss." Thanks.

And thanks for the personalized

horoscope, Derek.

I really do feel like it's my time to shine.

Hey, Derek. That new scented soap in the bathroom

smells fantastic.

I can't stop washing my hands.

Of course, it could be my o.C.D.,

but it does smell fantastic.

Well, Derek seems to be fitting in.

Everybody loves him. Do you love him?

Hmm. Well, he did hook me up with Alicia in legal.

You know she wears that ring to keep unwanted brothers away.

Turns out... ha-I'm not unwanted.

And he did do a great job

cataloging the video submissions.

Yeah, I did those last night...

In exchange for the hookup with Alicia.

But he did type those addresses like I asked.

No, I came in early this morning

and typed those.

What? He told me I was pretty.

Well, if I'm doing your work,

and you're doing my work, what's Derek doing?

Group, dancing a conga: ♪ da-da da-da da da! ♪

Ok. What's it gonna cost to keep Phyllis

from talking?

I never thought I'd say this, Dee Dee,

but you don't have that kind of money.

Oprah doesn't have that kind of money.

I've worked hard to keep Carter a secret,

and I want it to stay that way.

Well, I don't get why you're still keeping

him from your parents.

Let me tell you a little story.

The time: Summer of '96.

The place: The bay area gymnastics semifinals.

I fell for Patrick,

a sweet, handsome prince of the pommel horse.

Our eyes met over the chalk bucket,

and we never looked back.

If you say he vaulted into your heart, I'm leaving.

Ok. Long story short.

My parents took one look at this

public school boy

with his strip mall haircut,

and promptly sent me on a trip to Europe.

You dated a guy from the wrong side of the tracks

and got a trip to Europe?

When I did that, all I got was mono.

The point is, he was taboo,

and so is Carter.

He's older. He's divorced,

and he comes with two little cute

pieces of baggage.

All of the above: Taboo.

Dee Dee, when your parents find out

how much you like Carter,

they'll deal with it.

And if you don't tell them soon, my mom will,

and since I forbid her to, it may already be too late.

You're right. I should just get it out in the open.

But if Carter doesn't make the cut,

see if you can score two tickets to Tahiti.

You're gonna need someone to help you snorkel

through the pain.

Malo'e lelei, islanders.

Care for a cocktail?

What's going on?

It's Tongan Tuesday.

Didn't you get Derek's memo?

Oh, so Derek cantype.

That man has brought so much joy

into this dank hovel of a workplace.

And I'm not ashamed to say it:

He makes me feel more than I am.

He completes me.

Malo'e lelei. Ha ha!

Oh, great!

You guys are just in time

to get lei'd.

Roasted pig in the break room

in an hour!

Derek, we have a problem.

[Caribbean accent] There are no problems

on delicious island.

[Mocking Derek] There also no work

being done

on delicious island!

[Sighs] Look, Derek, we really like you,

but we need you to focus and do...

[regular voice] Mona, Mona, Mona...

You're so stressed,

and stress angers the island gods.

Well, at least that's what Kai tells us

when she takes us to Tonga every year

for our family reunion.

Family reunion?

Yeah. We're cousins.

They're cousins.

Thanks again for inviting me.

It's a nice change to have a meal

that doesn't come with a free toy.

Famous andfunny.

Our daughter's a lucky girl.

We're happy to have you.

Surprised you've been dating our daughter

for a month without our knowing of your existence,

but still... Happy.

[Laughs]

So, Carter, how many little cherubs do you have?

4? 5? Any you might not be aware of?

He has two beautiful little girls,

Molly and Samantha.

And they love Dee Dee.

See? I haven't just added one person to my life,

I've added 3.

I've actually considered buying child seats

for my beemer.

And you should have seen how great she was

with the girls

when we went to the aquarium

Tuesday morning.

Uh, Dee Dee, don't you have constitutional law

on Tuesday mornings?

How do you know that?

Because I'm paying for it.

Isn't it nice to have such a successful author

in the house?

You're prolific for a 35-year-old.

36? 38? Feel free to stop me before I hit 40.

Well, I just turned...

Age doesn't matter, mother.

You, of all people, should know that.

Carter, you seem like a fine man,

and obviously, you make our little girl happy.

Dee, bring out the good Brandy.

Oh, my.

Daddy doesn't even bring out the good Brandy

for his own brother.

Because he's an alcoholic.

So?

I think Carter's a gem.

You do? Absolutely.

And Carter, I certainly hope you can join us

for the holidays.

We'll finally have someone tall enough

to put the star on top of the tree.

Not that I mind you standing on my

shoulders, dear.

[Door opens]

You got some splainin'to do.

Igot something to splain'?

Yes. Why would you let your baby sister

date a man so obviously wrong for her?

Ah, big Dee Dee.

I hope you're having a good day,

'cause I'm about to ruin it.

She already knows about Carter, ma.

Damn!

I knew I should have sent that candy-gram.

Dee Dee said the dinner was a big success.

I heard dad even brought out the good Brandy.

No such thing.

It's cheap stuff in a fancy decanter.

So he likes his Brandy like he likes his women.

Yes. Charles has moved on from malt liquor

in a shapeless brown bag.

Can we stop sniping and get back to blaming me

for no reason?

The truth is, this relationship

has your father and I very concerned.

Well, why aren't you having this

conversation with Dee Dee?

Because if I say I don't approve,

it'll drive Dee Dee right into

Carter's arms.

That's why you're going to convince her

to break up with that want-to-be

Walter mosley.

This'll wreck ya.

Bet you didn't know Charles spent

a night in jail.

Protest in college. Nice try.

Damn!

Mona, don't you see?

Dee Dee's future is too bright

for her to be skipping class

to raise somebody else's kids.

I mean, she's putting the children's needs

before her own.

I blame her nanny.

You should handle this yourself.

I am, by manipulating from the sidelines.

Look, we're one big, loving family now.

I mean, we help each other.

We support each other.

We're the wind beneath each other's wings.

Now get out there and break up

that happy couple.

Yeah!

Hey, Dee Dee.

Look, what I'm about to tell you,

it isn't going to be easy to hear, so...

My parents don't like Carter.

Thanks, but I already know.

How could you possible know that?

Hey, baby.

Ma, I was supposed to tell Dee Dee.

Then you should have taken those stairs

two at a time.

Come on!

You're not getting in my toolbox,

Mr. Naughty repairman!

[Both laughing]

Ahem!

Oh, hello, sweetheart.

Why are you here, dear?

Can you come back later?

I can't believe you lied to me

about my relationship,

you brought Mona into it,

and you don't like Carter.

It's like this, dear.

We lied to you about your relationship,

we brought Mona into it, and

we don't like Carter.

Well, I guess I had it all wrong.

Sweetheart, Carter's impressive,

but he's too old.

And he's got 2 kids. That's a huge

responsibility.

Trust us, that is not an ideal way to start

a relationship.

But we're making it work,

and everyone makes compromises

in their relationship.

That's true, dear, but one compromise

you can never make

is giving up your dream for somebody else's.

You did it.

For once, we're not talking about me.

Dee Dee, honey, you're trading in your youth

and your freedom,

and you'll never get them back.

Ask Phyllis.

We just want you to be as happy

as your mother and I are.

Running around the house

like a couple of horny kids?

Well, Viagra is an amazing drug,

close the drapes, Dee.

Sweetheart, we just want your life

to be easier.

How about I just want my life

to be my life?

Derek, could you send out

these additional press packets?

Um, actually, I haven't sent out

the first set yet,

but I did make fresh coffee.

But I told you to fed-ex em'

2 days ago.

Did I mention that it's macadamia nut

with a hint of cinnamon? And, oh, my goodness,

I forgot the biscotti.

Mmm, macadamia nut's my favorite.

It's like he can see inside our souls.

Oh, my god! Have you tried

this coffee?!

I think there's a hint of...

Cinnamon. I know.

Guess who didn't send out the press kits.

Mona... How's my cousin

workin' out?

I can't think of enough

good things to say about him.

You can't say that

I don't take care of you.

So, now, the new publicist

will be here in an hour.

How long has she had the press kits?

Well, if I give them to her now,

it would be 30 seconds.

So I take care of you,

but you don't take care of me.

Interesting.

Don't throw away the classifieds.

Coffee, cuz?

Oh, wait.

I know how you like it.

Oh...

Ooh.

Word!

Somebody who knows how I like my coffee

and my men... whipped.

And you should have seen their faces when I said

I want my life to be mylife.

And when I left without kissing them good-bye,

they knew I meant business.

Actually, Dee, I think they might

have a point.

I know. It's outrageous. They're completely...

What did you just say?

Well, baby, I had no idea

you were missing classes on a regular basis.

And I thought kid seat in the car thing

was just a joke.

Well, it's not.

Neither is the childproofing

I'm having done to my apartment.

Dee Dee, you don't childproof

for a 5 and an 8-year-old.

Even if you have really nice things?

Look, I'm just saying

your parents have a right

to question

the choices you're making.

No, they don't. I'm grown.

Yes, you are. But...

You can't ignore the fact

that we're at different places

in our lives.

And I don't want to be the guy you look up at

and resent 10 years from now.

Well, I'm starting to resent you right now

for making me think about all this.

Aw, baby...

Maybe we're just moving too fast.

I mean, I gotta think about Molly

and Samantha...

Who, by the way, are getting really

attached to you.

I don't want my girls to get hurt.

Uh! So much to think about!

Can't we just make out?

Look, I haven't even planned what I'm gonna use

for the eyes on my gingerbread men,

and you want me to plan my whole life right now?

Well, you don't have to decide

right now...

But you do have to think about it.

I can't believe we're stuck with cousin kiss-ass.

All he does is plan parties

and Derek's def poetry jam.

Yeah, and then we get blamed

for him not sending out

the press packets.

Good coffee, though.

We just need to find a way to convince Kai

to let me fire him.

Kai: Done.

Damn, woman,

put a bell around your neck!

I mean...

Good to see you, ma'am.

How long were you standing there?

Long enough to know my cousin's not

cutting it.

Now, why are you two covering his butt?

Because he's your cousin?

Hey, I got a business to run.

I'd fire my mom if she was

slacking off.

Actually, I have, and that's why

she's not talking to me.

Look, Derek's a lot of fun,

but I don't know what he's like to work with.

Neither do I.

I thought i'd get you some help.

If Derek's making your job harder,

can his ass.

I should probably do it before he puts out

the happy hour hors d'oeuvres.

[Cheers, applause]

Happy favorite boss day!

Oh, Derek, that's so sweet.

You're fired.

What? But i'm so popular.

I'm sorry, Derek, but it's just...

It's not working out.

Who's gonna run the big top

on circus Thursday?

And... and who's gonna host the trivia contest?

Thanks, Mona.

Extinguish the shining light in our murky world!

We'll never forget you, Derek.

Bye, guys.

Needless to say... Twister has been cancelled.

[All] Boo!

Better you than me.

♪ Ran my three miles ♪

♪ to clear my mind ♪

♪ it always helps me out ♪

♪ it's my therapy ♪

♪ when I'm losin' it ♪

♪ which is usually, hey ♪

♪ I'm on an emotional rollercoaster ♪

♪ lovin' you ain't got... ♪[Stereo off]

Mom, what are you doing here?

I can't stop thinking about the way things

ended last night.

[Sighs] Whatever you decide to do

with Carter...

You have my support.

[Sniffles]

We decided to take a break.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Mom, it's ok.

We're just taking a step back

so we can gain some perspective.

Oh... little Dee, you must be hurting.

Not being able to protect your

children from pain

is... the hardest part of being a parent.

I guess that's why I wasn't honest with you

about Carter at first.

Mom, I understand,

but you've got to accept the fact

that I'm growing up,

and you need to let me make my own choices.

Agreed.

And thanks for coming by here.

I know it's hard for you to admit it

when you're wrong.

I never said I was wrong.

I said I loved you and supported you.

Well, I'll take what I can get.

Is there anything I can do for you now?

You want go go shopping?

I could use a little pick-me-up.

You don't ever need a reason to shop.

I'll call neiman's and tell them to hold

our parking space.

[Sighs] Mmm.

Hey, everybody, it's pajama day. Yay...

Do you think you can buy our love back

with a crappy theme day and some pecan sandies?

Think again.

So, nobody dressed up or pajama day?

Guess it's just you and me, Mona.

But crank up the heat! I'm freezing!

I noticed.

Woman: Whoohoo! [Giggles]

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