Original subtitles

Hey, this is so exciting.

Delicious has never had an artist who wrote

an autobiography before.

Who isn't gonna want a copy of this is serious

by d-lyrious?

Yeah, I'm all that.

But where are the people?

That dude has people.

That's Carter del torro.

He's no big deal.

He wrote a few crime novels, won a pulitzer.

It's like a grammy for writers.

I knew we should've done this at my crib...

With some cognac and video ho-fessionals.

Finally. Dee Dee, what took you so long?

You didn't tell me the signing was in haight.

You know how hippies freak me out.

I got a contact high just walking in here.

Got any caviar and crackers?

Look, d-lyrious, a big fan.

D-lyrious, I love your music.

I'm so excited to get a chance to meet you...

And oh, my god,

that's Carter del toro, my favorite author.

Don't worry. Readers are not your audience anyway.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Mr. Del toro,

I am such a huge fan.

I've read every novel you've ever written.

Even killer at the kremlin... In Russian.

And I have to say you are much cuter

than the picture on your book jacket.

And you're much cuter than my average fan.

I'm impressed.

Not many people can read Russian,

including many Russians.

Who do I make this out to?

To me. I mean, to Dee Dee.

That's me. I'm Dee Dee.

But you can write whatever you want. You're the writer.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

[Clearing throat]

Sorry. I don't mean to hold everybody up.

Too late for that.

It was lovely meeting you, Dee Dee.

Me, too.

I mean, not meeting me,

meeting you.

Walk away already.

Ok, now that you're done with the real author,

will you get over here and be the fake fan

you promised to be?

Look at what he wrote in my book.

"Too Dee Dee with the beautiful smile."

And his phone number?

That must mean he wants me to call him.

How long should I wait before I call him?

At least until you're out of the store.

Anyway, I'm sorry I ran off.

So, how's the book signing going?

I sold 40 copies, yo.

Guess what you're getting for Christmas.

Now, why would you put cheese in front of me?

You know I'm lactose intolerant.

Are you ok, ma?

And can't you get some better magazines?

I don't need bigger, wetter lips.

So, I called Carter and he invited me over tonight...

Casual date, drinks at his house.

Now, is his casual the same as my casual?

No, I don't think he wears high heels to take out the trash.

Men are bums. Don't get caught up.

Ma, are you sure that nothing is bothering you?

- What the hell did I just say?! - Ok.

Phyllis, this is a man who has lived.

He's educated in five languages.

He's sophisticated.

It's very intimidating.

I mean, this is Carter del toro, the writer.

That hack.

I read murder in the vestibule.

By chapter 3, I knew the killer was the altar boy

and not that wrinkled-up pope.

It takes strength to get a knife through a rib cage.

Guess I don't have to finish that book now.

Thanks, ma.

Anyway, Carter is worldly and sexy,

and he makes me question my own sense of being and...

Oh, my god, do you think he'll actually like me?

Calm down.

You're acting like me before a date...

Minus the stress pimple between my eyebrows.

I know!

Only you can understand how desperate I am.

Hey, Dee Dee. How are...

Quiet, Spencer.

I'm dressing myself in my head.

Funny.

That's the opposite of what I'm usually doing.

Mona, I brought some of the audition tapes

from the talent search.

What's up, mamacita?

Mamacita?

Don't call me mamacita. I'm not your mamacita!

All right, ma, what's up with you?

You've been snapping at everybody all day.

Fine. Ray... Your father...

Took an extra shift at the radio station.

I mean, I let this man move in with me

so I wouldn't be alone.

Now I'm still alone, but i'm stuck washin' man drawers.

Look, ma,

you haven't been in a relationship for a long time.

And before you attack, neither have I.

But have you tried telling him how you feel?

I guess I do owe him that.

Yeah, my dad's... this is about men.

I'll go talk to him.

But if I'm gonna talk,

he better be ready to listen.

Should we warn my dad she's coming?

Nobody warns us. He's on his own.

Phyllis, what are you rummaging for,

a ham sandwich?

Or something that resembles a life?

[Soft music playing]

Wow, your place is amazing.

It's like a museum, but I'm not afraid to touch anything.

Beautiful statue.

Thanks. The Dalai Lama gave that to me.

Ooh, where's that mask from?

Oh, I bet you got it in Botswana

while writing murder among the pride.

You know, I've been to Africa, too.

Marrakesh. Very beautiful city.

Very friendly until a camel snatched my purse.

You know, when I did research for the book

I learned that people are actually teaching

their camels to steal.

I think this one was working alone.

Later, I caught him buying drinks for all the other camels.

[Snorts, coughs]

You're funny, Dee Dee.

I am? I mean, I know I am.

At least, I think I am,

but we all know humor is very subjective, so...

Come here.

Now, take a deep breath.

[Inhales]

Now let it out before you pass out.

[Exhales]

I guess I'm a little nervous. I mean, at the very least

I've always been able to breathe on my own.

Well, just so you know,

very few people can make being nervous

look so adorable.

Would a kiss help?

I've never known a kiss to hurt.

You're back... With luggage.

That can't be good.

- What's going on? - What's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on.

I know what's going on better than Marvin gaye.

I took your advice

and I asked ray not to take the extra shift.

But he wouldn't listen. No, no.

He just kept saying, "you don't understand."

And you know what? I don't understand.

That man thinks he can stay out all night,

I can stay out all night, too. See how he likes that.

Well, you can't fault a brother for working hard, Phyllis.

I can fault a brother for whatever I want.

And who are you to tell me who I can and can't fault,

son of the man whose fault this is?

Ok, I'm out.

Damn.

Why you women always got to be hating the black man?

Well, I hope you got sheets for this couch.

Oh, sure, ma. My couch is your couch.

No, it's your couch. I'm taking the bed.

Feel a little better?

I could learn to like this.

[Door opens]

Daddy! Daddy! We came home early!

So you did.

Hey, Marsha.

I thought you'd be playing miniature golf

for a couple more hours.

Sorry, Mr. Del toro.

Samantha cried every time her ball went down the hole.

Let's just say our putt-putting days are over.

Got it.

Molly, Samantha,

meet my friend Dee Dee.

Hi, Dee Dee.

Ooh, I like your dress...

And your shoes and your hair.

Thank you, Molly.

Why are you here?

Come on, you two. Let's go get some juice.

So...

The little ones, they're yours?

That's not on your book jacket.

I'm divorced. I have custody.

Look...

I was gonna tell you about the girls,

but I just wanted

to see if we had chemistry first,

and I think we do.

Well...

Your kids seem great,

but they are kind of a surprise.

And so is this.

Ohh. Heh.

Molly was looking for this all day.

Is there a hamster back there?

Well, I have an early day tomorrow.

You're leaving so soon?

I'm sure you want to enjoy your kids.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

[Sighs]

I have tickets for Alvin ailey next Friday night.

I don't suppose you can make it.

No.

I figured.

Well, good night.

Take care.

Mona, want a pancake? Sure you do.

Who doesn't want a pancake?

And yes, they're fattening.

And no, I can't make 'em any other way.

So eat 'em and like 'em or starve.

And this is why I Cherish our mornings together.

Good morning.

Says you.

You weren't up at 4 A.M. listening to my mom's

top 10 reasons why men are pigs.

Sadly, she sold me on 6 of 'em.

So. Carter. Dish.

Well...

He's my dream guy.

He's fascinating, smart, sexy, charming...

Too bad I'm never gonna see him again.

What? Did she get to you in the middle of the night?

Her boyfriend bashing probably seeped up

through the vent.

Carter has 2 kids, Mona. Full custody.

Ohh. I guess I can see your problem.

He's a successful, responsible dad

with an incredible career.

Get out while you can. Give me his number.

Look, I can't get involved

with a divorced man with 2 kids.

I'm only 24.

I can't be responsible for another person.

I can barely take care of you.

But how come I can't stop thinking about him?

Can't stop thinking about a man? Oh, but you will.

I'll give you 10 reasons.

Ma, before you do, we need syrup.

Kids. All you do is take, take, take.

And you know who gives you kids. Men.

Before bitter Mrs. Butterworth comes back,

I think you should give Carter another shot.

Take it slow. Get to know him.

You'll probably end up not liking him for reasons

that have nothing to do with the kids anyway,

she said, hardened by the influence of her mother.

You're right.

I shouldn't break up with him just because he has kids.

There's probably a hundred other things wrong with him.

Oh, my god, some of Phyllis did seep through the vent.

I gotta get out of here.

Oh, it's you.

I thought I felt an icy chill.

I'm not carrying a spare wig, so back off.

Don't start none, won't be none.

Fair enough, but...

I did hear a rumor that Ray's thrown you out of bed.

What'd you do, turn on the lights?

Oh, my.

[Crying]

As soon as the nanny gets here we can head out to aqua.

Ooh, hot place.

I thought there was a waiting list.

I'm friends with the chef.

Apron of bloodwas loosely based on him.

At least, that's what I tell him

so I can always get a table.

Sexy and resourceful. I like that in a man.

- Huh? - Ooh.

I like that even better.

You know, I'm really glad you called.

I've dated some women who were put off

by the fact that I have kids,

but it says a lot that you came back.

I guess none of those women ever had one of your neck rubs.

[Telephone ringing]

Don't move.

[Ring]

[Ring]

Hello.

Are you ok?

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, you call me if you need anything. Ok?

That was Marsha, my nanny.

Family emergency.

She won't be able to baby-sit tonight.

Oh, ho ho ho!

Why doesn't god want me to be alone with you?

How about we reschedule?

Maybe we don't have to.

The restaurant's right around the corner.

We could crank up the baby monitor and take binoculars.

I'm kidding.

Sorry. It's just hard to think straight

when you look so amazing in this dress.

Or...

We could stay here

and order in takeout.

- Yay! - Yay!

I want pizza!

I'll French braid your hair and paint your nails pink.

Ooh, I love your nails.

Why are you here?

Dee Dee, are you sure you want to do this?

Well, pink's really not my color...

And the little one scares me a bit,

but, yeah, I'm game.

Ok, girls, I'm up for a make-over.

But first, let's discuss

the care and handling of chiffon.

Jeez, ma, how many bags of those things can you eat?

How many you got?

[Knock on door]

Hey, Mona, I just stopped by

to see my best friend and her beautiful mom.

Ok, my DVD player's broke and my fridge is empty.

So, Spencer, how are things?

Like your dad? Does he miss me?

Is he miserable?

Is he getting enough to eat?

He's cool. Yes. Yes.

And he's the reason my fridge is empty.

Ma, it's not like he's cheating on you

with another woman.

He's cheating on me with his job.

Phyllis, do you really think my dad

wants to be away from you?

That would be a shock.

Ok, you might as well know.

The reason my dad took the extra shift

is to make more money to spend on you.

- Pfft! Yeah, right. - No, seriously.

In fact, I think he even mentioned

something about a diamond necklace he wanted to get you.

Really?

I don't get it.

You women want to have it both ways.

You want your man at home all the time

and you want him to buy you nice things.

Well, which way is it?

'Cause a brother can't be in two places at once.

So ray is doing all this for me?

That is so sweet.

The only thing Charles ever got me was pregnant.

I need to go apologize to my man.

Ooh, maybe I can reach him at the station

and use my sexy call-in voice.

Good idea.

And you know what makes an apology seem really heart-felt?

When it's from your own phone in your own home.

Ok, I'm going.

Bye-bye.

[Dance music playing]

Whoo!

Man on TV: Wow, a new record!

You know, I'm starting to like this pink nail Polish.

It's no day-glo orange.

Come on, Dee Dee, it's your turn to dance.

Oh, I don't want to show you up.

You know, I was voted best dancer

at madame dupreé's dance academy 2 years in a row.

Prove it!

Ok, here I go.

Bring on the madness.

[Techno music playing]

Dee Dee can move.

Go, Dee Dee! Go! Go! Go, Dee Dee!

Hey, you got an almost.

Aah!

You're getting booed!

So much for madame dupreé, huh?

Ooh, the Vuitton overnight bag.

Going over to Carter's?

Yep. The kids are gone for the weekend,

and Carter and I are having our first adult play date.

I guess you haven't found anything else wrong with him?

I'll let you know tomorrow.

Aren't you glad you gave him a second chance?

Yes. The fact that he has kids

just makes our relationship that much better...

And messier and louder...

But better.

So, I'm just gonna let life unfold

the way it's destined to unfold

and see where it takes me.

Ohh!

My little Dee Dee's growing up.

Yeah. Now get back. Carter's waiting.

Now play nice,

remember to share, and no biting...

Unless of course he likes that.

I'll let you know tomorrow.

Ooh.

That grin of yours can only mean one thing.

The elastic finally snapped

on your favorite eating pants.

Free at last! Free at last!

Good gut almighty, free at last!

In light of your recent act of kindness, I'm gonna ignore that.

But you should know that ray and I are back together

and better than ever.

It's like the grimmest of grimm's

fairy tales come to life.

Well, you're the evil giant who married the troll,

so you should know.

A tee-hee.

One more thing.

I'd like to have my auburn wig back, please.

Are you sure?

'Cause I wore it for ray last night,

and he liked it... A lot.

Consider it a gift.

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