Original subtitles

The more submissions I get for this

talent search,

the more rejections I have to send out.

Hey, you wanted to do this damn thing.

Which was a great idea that

I totally support.

Good save.

I just never knew I'd have to crush

so many people's dreams.

Nobody's had any trouble crushing mine.

I've tried to be a survivor, a big brother,

and america's next top model. Watch me strut.

[Hums]

Strangeé.

I'll do the rejection letters,

Mona.

You know, I've had a lot of experience

letting the ladies down easy.

Oh, please! You've had your tires slashed and

your phone cut off twice.

That just taught me to park inside

and never date a sister from

the phone company.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

It's a little cute cafe.

Aw! That's cute. You have identical Gucci purses.

Oh, trust me, they're not identical.

My Gucci is spelled with 2 os.

Well, at least yours matches your shoes.

I don't know what I was thinking.

And if it makes you feel any better,

this cost so much, my only other purse is a paper bag.

Heh heh! Oh, I forgot my phone.

I'll be right back.

Thanks for complimenting on Mona.

She doesn't get that much.

But you. You're 5 kinds of fierce.

Just 5?

Well, I subtracted one "fierce"

because of the shoe-handbag violation.

Oh, hey, Adam. What's shaking?

Nothing, thanks to good genes,

no carbs, and the ass-blaster 3000.

Hey, Dee Dee, can I introduce you to...

Stephanie seymore.

You sure know how to suck the fun

out of introductions.

Hello, Dee Dee.

What are you doing here?

Delicious records is a client

of the law firm where I had

my summer internship.

Oh, you mean the one you settled for

when I aced you out of the really good internship.

Yes, how did that go?

I trust all that working closely together

with your boss didn't cause you

too many rug burns.

I love the smell of a cat fight in the afternoon.

Dee Dee. Well, you never come here.

Why did you come here?

Oh, and I think you know Stephanie,

who's clearly here to see Adam.

And the plot thickens.

Yes. Much like Stephanie's ankles.

Mona, you never told me you were working

with Ms. See-through... I mean Ms. Seymore.

I didn't? Because I could've sworn I did.

Let's just say I did and say I did.

Well, I just dropped by to surprise you,

but I guess I'm the one who's surprised.

Don't look so shocked. You'll get wrinkles.

And without your looks, where would you be?

Still at the head of our law class helping

the slower students.

You should give me a call.

Mona, I just came by to take you out

for a drink.

Oh, that is so sweet.

I'd love to... - Great.

But I already have plans.

With Stephanie. How does that make you feel?

I'm sorry, Dee Dee, but it

is work-related.

Otherwise, you know

I would never turn down free appletinis.

No problemo. We'll do it another time.

You two go and enjoy yourselves.

Thank you for understanding.

Looks like you'll be drinking alone,

but I guess you're used to that.

[Vacuum cleaner whirring]

I heard a lot of noise! Are you ok?!

Yep!

Are you sure you're ok?

Yep!

Ok!

[Turns off vacuum cleaner]

You know damn well I'm not ok.

I've been slamming around up here for hours

just so you'd know I'm not ok,

and I can't believe you're hanging out

with Stephanie, ok?

Look, I knew you didn't like her,

so I tried to avoid her,

but one night a bunch of us

went out to dinner,

and Stephanie and I got to talking

and we found out we have a lot in common.

Oh, you're a bourgie schemer with a mattress

on your back?

Wow. You really don't like her, do you?

And I think that you should respect that.

I do, but I'm my own person

and I like her, and I think you

should respect that.

Look, Stephanie is cool,

and she's funny,

and I didn't tell you about her

because I didn't want to upset you.

Too late. I'm upset!

And when I'm upset, I flamenco dance

in my golf shoes.

Good luck sleeping, sister!

Everybody, gather around!

You gotta see the worst audition tape ever made.

Man, you're making fun of someone's

hopes and dreams?

That's not right. Let's see it.

Ok, his name is Marlon,

and he's so bad, it's wrong.

[Off-key] ♪ when you wish upon a star ♪

♪ oh, unh, your dream will take you very far ♪

♪ oh, yeah, oh! ♪

♪ And when you wish upon a dream ♪

♪ oh, life ain't what it always seems, aah... ♪

He's getting

a rejection letter, right?

Bad as he is, he's getting 2.

♪ Ah, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Then Dee Dee implied that I shouldn't see

Stephanie anymore.

Crazy, huh?

Crazy that you're a traitor.

She's your sister, your blood.

Her enemies should be yours

and vice versa.

I disagree.

I should like or dislike people

based on my own relationship with them.

Mona Thorne, I thought I raised you

better than that.

Love means hating who your loved ones hate.

You really believe that?

If I didn't, I wouldn't have had it embroidered

on a throw pillow.

And while we're on the subject,

here's a list of the people I hate.

Memorize it so you can hate 'em, too.

I'm surprised it fit in your purse.

I used a small font.

You rang?

Yes, I need your help.

Finally! Ok, first we toss out

all your clothes.

Better yet, let's burn 'em, and then

I'll take you shopping...

Ok, this isn't about my wardrobe!

Really? You sure?

Yes. Look, I need you

to make a reservation at the Fairmont tomorrow.

I want to invite Stephanie and Dee Dee

to high tea.

Really? You sure?

Yes. I'm not gonna let either of them

know the other is coming.

This way maybe we can all get together

and stop all the hating.

Hmm. How sneaky. How clever.

How can I get invited?

I'm Asian. I love tea.

And I'm gay. I love drama.

Well, I guess it might help to have you there

to take some of the focus off me.

Ooh! I can't wait to see those two go at it...

Hey!

I mean, shake hands and smile and hug.

Hey, I'm looking for a Mona Thorne.

Do you have an appointment?

Hey, you're the guy from the tape.

Marlon struthers, right?

Didn't you get either of our rejection letters?

Oh, well, yeah. See, that videotape

didn't do me no justice.

See, in person, I pop.

Ok? Now everybody gather 'round.

I'm gonna need a mic stand and somebody

to work the lights.

All right? Oh, yeah, you can work

the chorus, son, ok?

Right, check this note.

[Off-key] ♪ ooh, oh, oh... ♪

Marlon, Marlon! Marlon! Marlon.

You seem like a decent guy, so I'm gonna be

straight with you.

We've received thousands of submissions.

Some of them good, some of them...

Yours.

What he means is, competition is tough.

At least you gave it a shot,

but truth is, you're just not

what we're looking for.

Thanks for keeping it real with me.

Mm-hmm.

So where do you want me to sing?

How about in here? In here?

Yeah. Ok!

And go. ♪ ooh, I know... ♪

[Adam rattles tambourine]

Mona, it was very sweet of you to invite me to tea,

but given how we left things the other day,

I'm a little...

Oh, my god. Who is that hunka chunka chocolate?

I don't know, but he's coming

this way, so move.

You're blocking my thin thigh.

Hello, ladies. Welcome to the Fairmont.

Hope you enjoy your time here with us.

We will if you're on the menu.

Pardon my sister. She can be a little

cheesy at times.

Are you on the menu?

Well, as the manager, I have to say

that I'm not,

but as a single brother, I'll let you know

on the way out.

Hey, girls.

Did you peep that hunka

chunka chocolate?

Adam, I didn't know you were gonna be here.

This is a surprise.

Well, get ready for a bigger one.

Hey, Mona.

What is she doing here?

Mona: I thought if we met in a relaxed environment

that maybe we could all get along,

and by "we" I mean you two.

I'm out of here. I have no interest...

I'll stay. Then I'm not leaving.

This is nice.

Isn't this nice, Adam?

A bit tepid so far, but I'm hopeful.

So, Dee Dee, how does it feel

to be back at school?

Good. I do miss being at the law firm,

but I don't miss the

arrogance, back-stabbing, and blind ambition.

There's plenty of that at school.

It's true. Law school breeds rivalry.

But that just motivates you to up your game

to use your intellect as a fine craftsman

uses his tools.

Of course, if your tools are

inferior and played out,

makes it tough to compete.

Dee Dee, more tea.

Good idea. You know she'd be lost

without her tea... And "a."

Sandwich anyone?

Oops! Sorry! Butterfingers.

I'm sure that was an accident,

could happen to anyone.

No problem. Cream?

Oh! Oops!

Guess I'm clumsy, too.

I dropped my napkin.

Looks like we're all clumsy. Ha ha ha!

Oh, sorry!

Peach tarts are so slippery.

Ok, that's enough, you two!

And your tea wouldn't be complete

without dessert.

Look at that. Went straight to your hips.

Here, Stephanie, let me help clean you up.

Oh!

Aah!

All right, next time I try

to keep the peace,

I'm bringing a towel!

[Knock on door]

Look at this. My dress is ruined,

thanks to your little

"kum-ba-Yah-can't-we- all-get-along" tea party.

You're the one who started

the food fight

and got us kicked out of the Fairmont.

I'm still picking biscotti out of my bra.

No food would've been flung

if you hadn't have gone against

the code of sisterhood,

which is, "if one sister has a mortal enemy,

the other sister should stay the hell away

from said enemy."

You are always talking about the sisterhood code.

Can I buy this book in a store or do I

order it directly from the

alternate reality you live in?

Mona, you cannot be friends

with that peach tart. You saw how she behaved.

Hey, people who live in glass tea houses

should not throw scones.

I find that neither clever nor amusing.

Stop hanging out with Stephanie!

It's either her or me.

I can't believe this. You're giving me

an ultimatum?

That's such an ugly word, but yes.

Look, nobody can force me to make

this kind of a choice.

Not even my sister.

Ok, if I didn't actually live here,

that would've had much more of an impact,

but you get my point.

Hey, you need me to sign for that?

I suppose.

[Dance melody playing]

[Off-key] ♪ oh! ♪

♪ Come and see victory ♪

♪ in the land of fantasy ♪

♪ loving life, a new decree ♪

♪ bring your mind to everlasting Liberty ♪

♪ ahh, oh, oh ♪

[Shuts off iPod]

♪ Ahh, ahh... ♪ Marlon! Marlon!

Marlon, Marlon, Marlon!

What the hell are you doing, man?

Oh, well, I took your advice.

I got one of those extreme makeovers.

Check out the butt pads. Huh? Yeah!

That's what you're looking for, right?

That's what you're looking for!

Man, what we're looking for...

Man, what we're looking for

is talent.

But what about my chiseled cheeks?

You see these? You see these?

Look, I know it's hard to accept,

but, bro, you're gonna have to

rethink your dream.

Focus on finding

what you're meant to do.

That could be anything.

Well, not anything.

You know what? I'm sorry for getting

all omarosa on you.

I'm gonna go. I'm not gonna come back again.

Mm-hmm. All right. I'm sorry, y'all.

Yeah, I know. Ok.

Mm-hmm.

Mona Thorne! They're keeping me away

from you, Mona Thorne!

Aah! Oh, Mona Thorne, no!

Listen to me sing!

[Off-key] ♪ ahh, ahh ♪

[Knock on door]

Hope you haven't come with another ultimatum.

Mona, how would you feel if I started

hanging out with your archenemy?

Well, my archenemy is fog because it

makes my hair frizz,

so, sure, knock yourself out.

I have no problem with it.

I'm talking about the archenemy

you had when you were 10.

Don't you remember Cathy pulley,

schoolyard bully?

Only every time I see a peanut butter cup.

Mona, voice-over: I was trick-or-treating,

once again dressed as a pirate,

the only costume that worked with my eye patch.

Well, if it isn't the one-eyed wimp.

Cathy, uh, what are you dressed as?

Your worst nightmare.

Now give me your candy or I'll kick your butt.

What?! I gave you my candy!

That was my trick.

Kicking butt is my treat.

Another traumatic trip down memory Lane.

Well, grab your passport, missy,

because this trip's not over yet.

Guess who I just happened to run into

after an exhaustive

search of the Internet?

Cathy pulley?

That's right. All grown up and

stronger than ever.

And can you believe it?

She's my new best friend! Heh heh!

I've waited a long time for this...

Wait, wait. I'm not the scared little girl

you used to beat up.

I am now a successful record executive,

who will gladly hand over her cash and atm card

without so much as a peep.

Mona, look, I'm really sorry for the way

I treated you.

God, I've spent years in therapy because of it.

Yeah, so, you know, I'd really like it

if we could just put the past behind us.

[Both] You would?

Oh!

Stop that, stop that!

What kind of archenemy are you?

Shake her down!

I know she's got

at least 20 bucks on her.

You and I can still be friends, too.

Hey, I'm cool with that.

You two disgust me.

And now Mona's still hanging

with Stephanie.

Oh, child, my child. You can desire

one's loyalty,

but you can't demand it.

And to issue an ultimatum.

How desperate. How ineffective.

How Phyllis.

Then what am I supposed to do?

If you want something, you have to be

clever about it.

Can I tell you a story? Can I stop you?

The place: The monterey montage suites.

The event: Some random relative's

tasteless wedding.

My sister Vivian and I opted to jacuzzi

after closing down the cash bar.

That's when I first saw your father.

Handsome, trim,

and looking like the million dollars

he was soon to be worth.

Is there a point here somewhere?

Patience, Dee.

Anyway, I knew by her quiet, "ooh, daddy,"

that viv wanted him, too, so I slyly suggested

that she put on a sexy bikini to

really catch his eye.

She ran off to change, and by the time

she returned,

Charles and I were gone,

off beginning our Jewel-encrusted

fairy tale.

Aunt Vivian must've been furious.

She never said so. Perhaps because she knew

that Charles and I were meant for each other.

Or maybe she simply admired my cunning.

Or maybe it's because she hasn't

spoken to you since.

Well, of course, there's that.

Nice ensemble, Phyllis.

It's amazing how au courantthey're

getting in plus sizes.

Almost as amazing as you being able

to teeter through doors in those

stiletto pontoons.

Just so you know,

I think Dee Dee was wrong to give Mona an ultimatum.

The hell she was!

If you can't count on your sister

to hate who you hate,

who can you count on?

I guess when you're as universally

loved as I am

you can't relate to such negativity.

I am not negative.

And just for that, you moved up 3 slots

on my hate list.

Which is hard to do because you were

already number one.

Hey, Stephanie. Thank you

for inviting me.

I didn't invite you. You invited me.

Hi, guys.

Sorry I had to lie to get you both here.

It's a trap! You go left, I'll go right.

She can't follow us both. Come on!

Actually, I could,

but don't make me prove it.

Look, I wanted to make up

for the disastrous

tea party by having a nice one.

Wow. That's really big of you.

I'll say.

I know. Often I impress even myself.

So what caused you to change your mind?

[Exhales] I realized that even though

we're sisters,

it was unfair of me to impose

my negative view of Stephanie onto you,

even if it was dead on.

Sorry. Force of habit.

But I'll try and hold the insults if you will.

You mean just for today, right?

Oh, let's not get crazy here.

Now, see, that's the kind

of half-hearted,

uneasy truce I've been hoping for.

Excuse me. Ms. Thorne, this is for you.

If this is your phone number,

you could've been a little more

subtle about it.

Well, actually, it's from all of us here

at the Fairmont.

Oh!

"As a result of your previous behavior,

"the management of the Fairmont

cordially invites you

to immediately vacate the premises."

And what if I'm not ready to go?

Then I have to escort you out.

I have been a menace.

Sorry to sip and run.

So, Shawn, how do you stay in such great shape?

Well, I do run a little bit.

Ooh!

Heh! Ok, only Dee Dee could be kicked out

of a restaurant and end up with a date.

So you see my problem with her.

Ah! Adam, call security.

Marlon, I thought you promised

you wouldn't come back here.

Excuse me? I know it's you

under this ugly disguise. Come here!

Take it off! Get it off!

Hey, somebody called for security?

Yeah, this nutcase here is mar...

Marlon? Excuse me.

You know what? How about

I just say sorry

and give you a little scratch

for your troubles?

Hmph. Tsk!

Next time, call fed ex.

Ok, what the hell are you doing here?

My job. See, you told me to find a new dream,

and I did. I'm a rent-a-cop now.

And soon I'll join the force

and become full-fledged five-o.

Then I work my way up to dick.

That does mean detective, right?

Not in your case.

Woman: Woohoo! [Giggles]

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