Original subtitles

[Knock on door]

Whoo!

Look at you, hair done, great skirt,

shoes I could only dream of squeezing my feet into...

Oh my god, tonight's the prince concert.

Don't tell me you forgot!

All right, but you'll have to give me a minute

to make up something else.

Do you know how hard it was to

get these tickets?

My mom's maid waited in the rain overnight.

I'm so sorry, but ever since I came up

with the talent search,

I've been working like a dog on the proposal.

Kai wants details on every aspect of the project.

You have one great idea and then you suffer.

Mona, it's going to be impossible

to find someone

to go to the prince concert

on such short notice.

Hello, hello. Did someone say, "the prince concert"?

Count mother in. Ooh, luckily, I'm wearing my new purple

Demi-cup bra,

perfect for throwing during an encore.

I didn't know you were a prince fan.

Oh, yes. And you know I have a thing for

tiny men who gyrate.

Your father's very talented that way.

Come on, let's go, Dee.

If I have to stand beside my bra-less mother

while prince sings purple rain,

you're gonna pay.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

I need 5 bucks, I need it now,

and you better not be hogging

all the splenda.

What's the money for?

You just waxed your eyebrows.

The money's for Harry the accountant's

"hooray, I'm gay" cake.

That would explain the boyfriend.

Well, congratulations,

you've got another one on your team.

Please. Harry's got back fat.

No one wants him on their team.

Besides, he's like the fifth

person here

who's announced they're gay.

Suddenly, it's hot to be homo.

It's like gay is the new straight.

My people used to be special.

We used to come out to silent,

angry parents,

not to celebration and a sheet cake!

So I hope your proposal's coming along.

And when I say "hope," I mean "better be."

I need to hear it by next Friday,

before we take it to the investors.

'Cause if you don't look good, I don't look good.

And I don't think you wanna know what happens then.

I won't let you down, Kai.

I'd find that easier to believe

if you weren't still standing here.

So, what do you want me to pick you up for lunch?

Nothing. I'm going with you.

That's what you told me Monday, Tuesday,

and yesterday.

Don't even get me started on last week.

[Telephone rings]

Well, today, it's just you and me.

I feel like we haven't gotten a chance

to catch up in weeks.

And I gotta hear the work gossip,

I gotta hear the dating gossip,

and I gotta answer that phone or it's

gonna drive me crazy.

Mona, you need to slow down.

Can't. Slowing down is for people who

don't want to succeed.

Besides, do you know how few people get an

opportunity like this?

It's what I've been working my

whole life for.

Uh, you do know I only have an hour for lunch.

Mona Thorne.

What?

No, no, no, but he's the best web designer there is.

He can't back out.[Telephone ringing]

We booked him weeks ago.

Hold, please... Mona Thorne.

Yes, that sounds like a great offer,

but I think i'm gonna have to pass.

Ma, I don't need a swiffer wet jet.

Yes, ma, I know it's rude to put someone on hold.

Hold, please.

I'm headed out to lunch.

But wait, wait, Spencer, wait.

Pick me up a tuna melt and a

6-pack of red bull.

S'up?

S'up with me? S'upwith you?

I've decided to go straight.

Straight to what?

Straight to the ladies.

Boobies, cha-chas,

the whole shebang.

Can you do that?

I must. Gay has become passé.

Everyone's doing it,

and I do not swim in the mainstream.

So say "yo, dawg" to the new me.

I even colored in a 5 o'clock shadow

to make me look more butch.

Oh, yeah. Nice touch.

I thought you were just wearing darker blush.

And check out the "straight man" walk I perfected

while watching heteros at the hardware store.

You mistake me for one of your own?

Dude, you're gonna need a lot more than that.

I'm not saying it can be done,

but if you're gonna do this, we gotta get you right.

Yay! And yay for not being gay!

[Deep voice] Starting now.

[Door opens]

Ma, what are you doing here so late?

I have left you 5 messages

and 10 hang-ups in the last few days.

And I was just about to leave you this.

"If you're not dead,

you've got a lot of explaining to do."

Words from a loving mother.

I can't believe you've got me running

across town to leave notes

when I'm trying to get the house ready

for ray to move in.

Ray's actually moving in with you?

How come you didn't tell me about that?

I have been trying to.

How's a girl who has voicemail, email,

and a cell phone not reachable?

I mean you're ringing, buzzing,

and vibrating 24 hours a day.

I'm working, ma, and you're the one who's always

encouraging me to be successful.

Well, I wouldn't have if I had known

it was going to cut into my time.

Come on, I want you to call me.

But you're right here.

Just call me.

If I do, will you go home and answer it?

[Voicemail] This is Phyllis...

That's me.

[Ray's voice] And this is ray...

That's my man.

[Ray and Phyllis] And we can't come to the

phone right now because...

We're busy.

Oh, my god. I'm never calling you again.

All right, I've got to get back to ray.

I can't leave him alone with the cats just yet.

Eartha kitty's been giving him the stink-eye.

Bye, ma.

[Hip-hop music playing]

Hey, Mona! You finally made it.

What do you mean, "finally"?

My Thursday night throwdowns

that I've been begging you to come to for weeks

but you're always busy? Hence the word "finally."

Oh. That explains all the bottles of Tequila

in the trash every Friday morning.

I just thought your mom was visiting.

Please. The only thing my mother

imports from Mexico is her El vicodino.

All right, everyone! Partner up!

We're playing "guess who"

as soon as I make another batch of Dee Dee-tinis.

Hey! I said partner up!

Hey, Spence. Hey.

So, have you two met?

Oh, sorry. Mona, this is shaunie.

We're together.

Except when we're not. Then we're apart.

I didn't know you were seeing someone.

Hey, you said you were only dating me.

I am, baby.

Don't confuse her.

Shaunie and I hooked up a couple of weeks ago.

I was gonna tell you, but the only time you're free

is when you're in the ladies' room.

I ain't going in there.

Spencer, you're so funny.

Ooh, look. Dee Dee-tinis!

I know I definitely need one.

[Deep voice] Hey, Mona, who's that dime piece

Spencer's with

and how am I gonna get me some of that?

Ok, you're plaid-free, you don't reek

of "Tommy girl,"

and there's a thumbprint in your 5 o'clock shadow.

Explain yourself.

Hey! Don't smear my beard.

I'm straight now.

Can you do that?

[Normal, high-pitch voice] Why does everybody

keep asking me that?

Because it's the most ridiculous thing

I've ever heard.

Well, I have a date next week... With a girl!

I met her at the gym. She has the cutest

brother and...

Oops, sorry. Gay lapse.

Anyway, I'm gonna have my way with her...

As soon as I figure out what goes where.

All right, let's start the game.

Mona and Adam will go first.

Ok, guess who this person is.

She's blonde, with a uni-brow

and a bad attitude.

Aw, that's so easy.

Yeah, that's so easy!

Can I have 3 more clues?

Time's up. The answer is...

All: Angry pizza girl!

Angry pizza girl?

Yeah, she's always late.

And if you ask for change, she hisses at you.

Oh, that's right, Mona wouldn't know.

She's never here.

Ok, Spencer and shaunie, you're up.

Uh, never here, didn't bring any snacks,

voice mailbox always full.

Mona!

Good work, baby!

Wow! Shaunie's never gotten anyone that fast.

Actually, shaunie's never gotten anyone.

Listen, everyone,

I need to make it an early night,

so I'm gonna go.

See ya.

Ok, this guy's handsome,

wears shirts with messages on them,

and his name rhymes with "fencer."

Shaunie: Spencer! Whoo! I'm 2 for 2!

Let's celebrate with some Dee Dee-tinis!

[Everyone chattering]

[Knock on door]

Good morning. Guess who's here

to spend quality time

with her sister?

[Cell phone rings]

Well, that was fun. Can I at least keep the bagels?

You're thinking of "workaholic Mona,"

who has no time for anyone.

But I am

"well-rounded Mona" who ignores her calls

and doesn't try to shave her legs while driving

down the freeway.

I'm impressed. And not just that you're

ignoring your phone.

But you also brought 3 different kinds

of cream cheese.

Yeah, whipped, super-whipped,

and "I can't believe it's not air."

I love the new me.

I already made a scrapbook for Spencer,

crocheted a hat for drew, promised to help my mom

make room for ray, and bought us breakfast.

It's amazing what you can do when

you wake up at 4:30.

Hell, I feel like a marine! Hoo-ha!

Mona, you've got to help us.

Adam's date with Elizabeth is tonight.

All you have to do is pretend to be

on a date with me,

and I'll pretend to be attracted to you.

Do you have any vodka?

Guys, as much as i'd love to help with this

pointless mission,

I have to pick out an outfit for my

presentation.

Plus, I told Dee Dee I'd make a 5-layer dip

for her party tonight and I'm only 2 layers in.

Now what are we going to do?

I thought I heard voices.

I'm glad they're not just in my head.

Hey, what's up, big Dee Dee?

You do remember Adam, right?

Let's say I do.

Maybe she could help me role-play for my date.

Adam, big Dee Dee is a very busy woman...

Who loves a challenge. Especially an

acting challenge.

You're looking at the casa grande players'

original blanche du bois.

Now, set the scene.

What kind of date are you preparing for?

It's his first date with a woman. He's going straight.

Ah, my specialty.

I have helped many a young, hairless chorus boy

try to become a little less light in the capezios.

Take a spin.

Adam, sit.

Not like that.

Or that.

Good.

Spencer, dear... Turn around.

There are some mistakes a man can make

that even diamonds can't make up for.

Staring at another man's buttocks

is one of them.

Look at me.

Look here... And here.

Here and here.

More here than here. More here than here.

60% here, 40% here.

Spencer: Man, I usually get slapped for that.

Now, remember, women love to hear men

brag about money, power, and cars.

I don't have a nice car.

Then brag about mine. It's an Aston-Martin.

Equally important, don't order a salad...

Only meat and potatoes will do.

Don't get an umbrella in your drink,

lose the manicure, the glossy lips,

and for god's sake, burn that revolting

track suit.

But it's just like mine.

When I'm done with him, I'll start with you.

God, you're bossy.

I think i'm falling in love.

They all do.

Ok, everyone, it's game time.

So, Mona, ready to play "questions"?

Huh? Oh, "questions." How do you play that?

Ok. Spencer, can you and shaunie untwist yourselves

and show Mona how to play?

Hey! You two, I said demonstrate!

All right, Mona, someone asks a question,

then immediately you have to ask another question.

If you hesitate or answer,

then you have to take a drink.

Check it out. Shaunie,

have I told you how fine you look tonight?

Spencer, have I told you

I can't wait to get you alone tonight?

Shaunie, have you seen Dee Dee's bedroom?

Spencer, will you show me Dee Dee's bedroom?

I'm out.

Oh, hell, no.

Can you please stop staring at my boobs?

Oh, lady, there's no pleasing you.

Dee Dee, have you ever been to Italy?

Mona, are those new shoes?

Sorry, guys, I just need to send

Kai this one email

about the presentation tomorrow...

Everyone: Drink! Drink! Drink!

No, hey, hey, hey!

I didn't know we were still playing.

Well, we are and you lost. Again.

Everyone: Drink! Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Whoo!

Can I get two double martinis?

What do you want to drink?

[Chain of foolsplays]

♪ I'm just a link in your chain ♪

Wow! Mona looks incredible,

she's such a cool boss, andshe can sing.

Take a break from kissing butt, Dave.

You're out of the office.

Actually, except for the singing part,

I'm somewhat serious.

She really comes alive after midnight.

♪ Chain, chain, chain ♪

What?

Mona, it's 2 A.M.

Don't forget you've got a big meeting in,

like, 7 hours.

You forget who you're dealing with.

I'm "well-rounded" Mona. I can hang!

[Glass shatters]

Oh, please tell me it's daylight savings time.

Ok, I have two announcements to make.

1... there's no sign of Mona yet;

and 2... I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it again.

I take it your date didn't go well.

Go well? She was blonde, gorgeous,

breasts bigger than my head.

It was a nightmare.

Hey, sorry, I'm late...

Clean-up on aisle 5!

Wow. I'm surprised you made it in

after last night.

Hey, if I don't impress Kai with this,

she'll pull the plug on the whole project.

I might never think of an idea this good again.

Well, I know you can do it.

[Whispering] Your skirt's on backwards.

Look who's here... Finally.

Sorry I'm starting late.

Save sorry for later. Get to it, Mona.

Um...

Hmm...

So, in conclusion...

Sorry, wait, just be a second.

You know what? I don't need these.

I know this.

Um...

The delicious talent search is important for 3 reasons:

1... it allows us access to musical talent

like we've never had before;

b... it gives us... ooh,

wait, was I using letters or numbers?

You know, I guess it doesn't matter.

Uh, 4... and most important...

Give me a minute.

It'll come to me.

You know what, if you're on board

with reasons 1 and 2,

then 3 really doesn't matter, right?

I didn't tank this bad on my date.

Listen, it's a good idea.

It makes financial sense. Let's just

do the damn thing.

I say we take 5. Which means, get out. Now!

Run! Mona, you stay.

I've got first dibs on Mona's office.

Too late. I already licked her desk.

[Sigh] You're lucky you only bombed

in front of me.

What if this had happened in front of the investors?

What's going on?

I just feel like there's not enough

of me to go around.

I mean I'm exhausted trying to keep my

friends and family happy.

I'm over-caffeinated trying to keep you happy.

You don't have to explain it to me.

I'm so relieved you understand.

No. I mean you don't have to explain it to me

because I don't care.

I knew there was trouble when you walked in wearing

two different boots.

I told you it's almost impossible to be social

andsuccessful.

I can do this, Kai.

And you will... tonight.

I'm giving you one more chance to prove to me

that this is the way I should be spending my money.

So, what would you like to order in for dinner,

Thai or Italian?

Guess I'm not gonna be able to help my mom move

her stuff to storage.

You guessed right.

And right now, I'd be more afraid of me than her.

I don't know. Sometimes my mom's really scary...

You know, Thai is good.

[Sigh] Mom, what are you doing here?

I wanted to show you the permanent hunch I got

from carrying all my boxes to storage. By myself.

I'm sorry. I told you, I got held up at work.

And I got held up in labor for 24 hours with

a broad-shouldered baby,

but I still came through.

Oh, good. Your chicken. I'm starving.

Don't you touch my "moving day fried chicken."

You know the rules... No workin', no chicken.

Then why did you bring it?

Just so you could see what you missed.

[Knock on door]

Oh, hey, Phyllis.

Ooh, is that your famous fried chicken?

May I have a piece?

Sure can, baby. I'll leave it right by your door.

This has been the worst day ever.

My mom told me.

Adam called her and filled her in about

the presentation.

Well, I've learned a lesson about balancing family,

friends, and career:

It can't be done.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Nobody can do it all.

Except for me and Kelly ripa.

But we've set the bar impossibly high.

Mona, you've worked hard to get where you are,

and it's ok to be focused on that.

Yeah, but what if I look up and I've got

this awesome career,

but no friends or family to enjoy it with?

The people who matter will always

be here for you.

That's the beauty of family...

They never leave.

Even when you want them to.

Thanks, Dee Dee.

Just don't give up on me.

Keep inviting me to your parties,

even if I have to say no.

Of course I will.

And if there's anything else I can

do, you let me know.

My freakish organizational skills

should not be wasted on just me.

So, how about coming to my party Thursday night?

Woman: Woohoo! [Giggles]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0