Original subtitles

One of these has got to work for Neil's wedding tomorrow.

I don't have time to go shopping.

What do you think of this one?

I think you better make time to go shopping.

Second opinion, Spencer?

Please. I'm thinking about what the strippers won't be wearing

at Neil's bachelor party tonight.

And right now, all I can afford

is 2 lap dances and one really long hug.

But a trip to the mall couldn't hurt.

Well, Dee Dee, what are you wearing?

Something tasteful, but understated,

that won't outshine the bride.

But I thought the Dee Dee rule

was to always outshine the bride.

Except when attending the wedding of an ex-boyfriend.

My relationship with Neil was the most significant I've ever had,

which is why I'm going, but with a few guidelines,

Dee Dee: Like no small talk with the groom... could look suspicious.

And I'll have to steer clear of all male attention,

otherwise I could end up dating Neil's best friend,

which means Neil could end up being the best man at my very own wedding,

and then we're all a part of each other's lives forever.

Ever think you have too much time on your hands?

Well, Dee Dee, I dated Neil before you did,

so, do I have to follow these rules, too?

Please, that was years ago. No one cares about you.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ok, ma, here are my earrings,

but I really, really like these,

so, can you try not to lose them,

suck them up in your vacuum, or let your cat swallow them?

I promise...

And Valentino is gonna pass your sapphire hoops any day.

He can keep them.

So, whose funeral is this you're gong to again?

Bill Jones,

a man I dated after your father.

Sweet man, dies in his sleep.

We should all be so lucky.

I don't remember any men coming around then.

Well, after my divorce,

I went through a period I call the quiet years.

Oh, like when you didn't date?

Oh, I dated.

I just chose to keep quiet about it.

Remember your uncle Henry?

Well, you're old enough to know.

He wasn't no uncle.

But he for damn sure was my daddy.

Wow! You and uncle Henry?

Yeah. And then there was your fake uncle Terry

and your uncle booker.

Ooh, booker. Mmm, mmm, mmm!

What that man could do with...

Ma?

Can we go back to the quiet years?

Hey, how tacky were those limos outside?

One of them had light blue velvet seats

and one of those crown air fresheners.

Neil and Janet worked very hard to plan this wedding.

You shouldn't judge and poke fun.

Then why are we even here?

The whole point of a wedding is to judge and poke fun.

I know, but I can't risk it here,

or my behavior might be interpreted as latent hostility,

or "hateration," as they call it in the streets.

Right, ex-boyfriend etiquette.

Well, you're not ruining this day for me.

Ooh, I see balloons with Neil and Janet's face on them

tied to all the pews.

Trestack-ay!

Hey, Dee Dee. Hi, Mona.

Hey, Neil!

Everything is so, so, so beautiful.

Nice touch with the personalized balloons.

Tresclass-ay.

Congratulations, Neil.

So happy to be here to share in your special day.

I was hoping you'd come.

Well, we are still friends.

- Hey! - Hey Spencer.

Do y'all have to shout like that?

I see you're still feeling the effects of the bachelor party.

Why you say that?

'Cause you missed 3 buttons and you got glitter on your nose.

What did you get into last night?

He brought his own chocolate sprinkles...

Hey, hey, hey!

What happens at the bachelor party stays at the bachelor party.

Just so you're prepared,

that stripper you were showing special attention to is here.

She's play-cousins with one of my groomsmen.

Tangerine's here?

Uh, she probably won't recognize me anyway.

She must see hundreds of ripped abs every week.

What's up, sprinkles?

Tangerine! Hey, how you doin', buddy?

Actually, it's Susan when I'm off the clock,

but I'm glad you recognize me.

Most men only remember me from the neck down.

Listen, I just want to say thanks

for the generous tip you gave me.

I'm gonna save you a dance at the reception.

Not that kind of dance.

You gave a generous tip?

Even I've never seen you that drunk.

Aw, damn!

I gave that girl a hundred dollar bill.

Man, that's the last time I let some chick spank me with...

It's just the last time, that's all.

I'd love to stay and laugh at you,

but it's about that time.

I'll see you guys at the reception?

Uh, there's no open bar,

but there's a really cool fruit punch fountain.

Are you ok?

Yep. That went surprisingly well.

I can relax a little,

especially when there's an exciting kool-aid fountain awaiting.

And what is up with Neil's pimp tux?

Did I notice a hint of purple Paisley?

Yay, you're back. This is gonna be fun.

Wait until you see the bride's grandfather

in his count chocula cape.

He was so young.

Such a beautiful man.

How did you know bill?

I didn't.

I work for the funeral home. I did his make-up for the wake.

I was going for a vibrant look.

What did you think? Did I over-foundation?

No, I thought he looked very lively.

You're too kind...

And a bit blotchy, if you don't mind my candor.

Here's my card.

I do wonders for the undead, too.

[Woman crying]

That must be bill's widow. Excuse me.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Gasp]

Big Dee Dee? Phyllis?

What are you doing here? What are you doing here?

Bill and I were close.

William and I were extremely close.

[Both gasp]

- You dated him, too? - You dated him, too?

If it makes you feel any better,

this happens at least twice a week.

I love your make-up.

Flawless.

Call me.

Hurry up, Dee Dee. I don't want to miss the wedding.

How often does one tiny person need to apply lipstick?

It depends.

With a proper lining and layering technique,

I can usually go about 3 hours,

with gloss, sometimes 4,

so on average, I usually need to reapply within 3 1/2 hours,

give or take 10 minutes, all weather conditions being equal.

Ok, by now, they're honeymooning in Jamaica.

I'm fine. I just need a minute...

And some calamine lotion. Go, go!

On second thought,

just grab the scotch from my grandmother's purse.

[Whispering] That's Janet.

[Whispering] I know.

Let's introduce ourselves.

- Mona: No. No! - Dee Dee: Yes! Yes!

Hi.

We just wanted to say how happy we are to be here,

and that everything is truly perfect.

Thank you.

Do I know you?

I'm Dee Dee Thorne,

and this is my sister Mona.

We're old friends of Neil's,

but I'm sure you want to be alone right now,

so, ok then, buh-bye. Come here.

So nice to meet you.

Um, Neil's never mentioned either of you.

Really?

Yep.

Please step away from the bride.

Dee Dee Thorne, law student,

fabulous apartment, 11% body fat?

Nope.

That's a "yep" and a "nope." Let's go.

Wow. That is so strange that he wouldn't mention me.

Why is it so strange?

It's just that I was his last girlfriend before he met you.

Neil didn't tell me he was inviting exes to our wedding.

Where's that scotch?

But, hey, he's totally in love with you now.

He went on and on about how great you were

when he came to see Dee Dee at Christmas.

He came to see you at Christmas?

He told me he was working.

Well, nice to meet you!

Yeah, happy wedding day!

Love the dress!

Heh heh heh heh.

Uh, so I was thinkin',

you know that hundred I gave you?

Uh, could a brother get some change back on that?

Fine and funny.

I'm kinda diggin' you, sprinkles.

"Neil loves you, Janet. He told Dee Dee so at Christmas."

What the heck was that?!

Well, I'm the one that tried to get us out of there,

but no, you had to open up your glossy, little lips!

Ok, I'm sure everything is fine.

There's no need to panic.

Still no need to panic.

She's just getting some air. She'll be back.

Janet: And I'm never coming back!

Now can we panic?

Why would Janet run out on our wedding day?

- No idea. - Not a clue.

'Cause women are tricky.

They draw you in with their thongs and pasties

and when they've got you right where they want you... bam!

You're left with empty pockets and a face full of whipped cream.

This is so humiliating.

Why didn't she just tell me she was having second thoughts?

-No idea.-Not a clue.

Hey, I just heard there were 2 girls

in the bathroom with Janet right before she ran out.

Maybe they know something.

Why don't we go find them?

Good idea.

Nice detective work, stripper girl.

What are you doing?

Did you follow me here from the funeral?

You weren't hard to miss in that jalopy of yours.

I simply followed the sparks from your sagging muffler.

Speaking of sagging, I have one word for you:

Underwire.

Tee-hee. Oh, doesn't it bother you that we have

yet another man in common besides Charles?

I mean, one is a fluke, 2 is a pattern.

You dated bill before you were married.

I dated him years later. Small world.

Stranger things have happened.

So don't you find it highly coincidental,

uncanny, and extremely disturbing?

I find youdisturbing.

Don't you need to get something lifted, tucked, or sucked out?

I intend to get to the bottom of this odd connection.

I mean, what qualities do men see in me

that they also see in you?

I mean, we're so different.

I'm refined and sophisticated, and worldly,

and you're just...

About to give you a beat down

if you finish that sentence.

See? So different.

You need to stop obsessing and go home.

I am not obsessing. I'm happy to let it go.

Wait! I am not done with you.

I have questions that need...

Do you feel bad we didn't tell Neil

about what happened with Janet?

Why do you think I'm eating wedding cake without chewing?

[Knock on the door]

Neil...

Are you ok?

No.

Hey, Mona.

Neil, what are you doing here?

I just wanted to be somewhere where people weren't asking me

a million questions about Janet.

Have you seen her? Did she say anything? What do you know?

Maybe I came to the wrong place.

No. No, don't be silly.

You can hide out here as long as you'd like.

Dee Dee, can I talk to you privately?

Sure. Relax. Have some cake.

Is this...?

Bad idea.

Help yourself to some snacks in the kitchen.

- Ok. - Ok.

What do you think you're doing?

Helping a friend.

We're still responsible for what happened today,

and it's the least we can do.

We shouldn't do anything.

We're already too involved as it is.

We're not helping him by letting him stay here.

Well, I can't just tell him to walk it off.

You're right. I'll do it.

Oh, no.

Mona, he does not need your tough-love tactics right now.

I will get rid of him in my own way.

- Neil? - Hmm?

I know you think that being here is gonna help,

but I really don't...

Why doesn't anybody want to marry me?

[Sobbing]

[Mouthing words]

[Knock on the door]

Hello, hello.

Big Dee Dee, hey.

Dee Dee's not here.

Good, because I stopped by to see you.

I was in the neighborhood picking up your father's hair pomade.

They don't sell it on our side of town.

So, what do you want?

Can't a stepmom just drop by,

you know, for a friendly...

Ok, I need information about your mother.

What kind of information?

Is there anything on god's green earth

that we might possibly have in common?

I-I-If you can think of anything,

it'll just free my mind

and save me from my night terrors.

Well, you're both strong-willed, determined,

meddling, over-protective, somewhat selfish,

maybe insane to a certain degree,

but loving mothers nonetheless.

Hey, you know, I never realized just how alike you two are.

Why are you saying these things?

Because it's true.

I mean, with that much in common,

you two should actually be friends.

Really, sweet peach!

Inviting people in so you can attack them?

No wonder you don't have more guests.

Actually, you invited yourself in.

It's like a disease with you.

Hey.

I'm sorry I stuck you with Neil last night.

Was it hard to get him out?

Not after I pried his fingers from the doorjamb.

I'm telling you, Mona, turning Neil away

was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Including telling my mom she was too old

to wear pants with "juicy" across the butt.

So what's with the food?

You know I eat when I feel guilty.

No, you don't, I do that.

Wait, you're turning into me. Should I be worried?

Of course not.

I just ruined 2 people's lives. I'm fine. Couldn't be better.

I mean, what woman doesn't want to see her ex-boyfriend

cry like a little girl?

So, found anything else we have in common

aside from the men we slept with?

Not a thing. Seems I was mistaken. Toodles.

I know one thing we have in common.

We're both very close to our daughters

who tell us everything.

So you've spoken with Mona then.

I knew she couldn't keep her mouth shut.

She gets it from you.

She thinks we should try to be friends.

She told me the very same.

And maybe she's right. I mean, you know,

we could try by saying something nice to each other.

Ok. You first.

All right.

Big Dee Dee,

I think you're a very good mother.

And I you.

Except for your drinking.

I know you've been both mother and father to Mona,

but growing the mustache was a step too far.

Well, we gave it a good try.

- Indeed. - Bye.

Bye.

[Knock on the door]

I was worried about you so I brought you a surprise.

Mona, I'm not really feeling up to...

Hi, Dee Dee.

Janet.

I came to tell you that it's not your fault

that Neil and I didn't get married.

I was already having doubts.

I'm feeling better already.

Thanks for stopping by.

But, Mona assured me that you would never do anything

to jeopardize my relationship with Neil.

Hey, Dee Dee, do you have an extra tooth...

It can wait.

Neil, what are you doing here?

Dee Dee, you told me he was gone.

So you knew he was here?

Uh, see, what happened was...

I didn't have the heart to kick him out.

I tried, but he just kept talking and whining

and crying and... Well, it's true.

Janet, trust me, nothing happened.

I was only letting him stay here

until he was ready to face the world

because I feel responsible for ruining his wedding day.

And how exactly did you ruin my wedding, Dee Dee?

Uh, you see, what happened was...

Why haven't you ever told me about your ex-girlfriend?

Uh, you see...

What happened was...

I just don't like rehashing the past...

For goodness sake, everyone in this room has slept with Neil.

The past is the past. No big deal, moving on.

You slept with Neil?

I believe I was moving on.

What is important is that there's

only one woman in this room he wanted to marry.

Actually, he wanted to marry me, too.

That's why we broke up, actually.

I don't even know why I came here.

No, wait, look.

You and Neil love each other.

You just need to accept that this man has had a past,

and, Neil, you need to be honest with Janet about that past.

Basically, y'all need to talk and leave us out of it.

Can we go somewhere and talk?

Sure.

Can you believe that?

Yeah, he didn't even say thank you.

That ungrateful negro sat on my couch, crying,

eating up all my food for 2 days.

He better not never show up in here...

Dee Dee...

Thanks for everything.

Aww, don't mention it.

Then my grandma netty looked me in the eyes on her deathbed,

reached deep down in her bosom

and pulled out a special gift.

I thought it was gonna be sugarless hard candy,

but no,

it was $100 bill.

[Sobbing]

I thought you invited me over here to get to know me better,

but all you want is your money back.

Well, now that you know,

how about you give me the hundred,

I'll give you a 10, a 5, and 5 ones,

and we'll call it even.

Unfortunately for you, I'm a math major,

so... no.

Come on.

Don't you have to follow some kind of stripper code of conduct?

Of course I do, and it says

if a customer wants his money back,

he has to earn it.

Yeah! 37!

Uh-huh! 38!

Work it, baby! Work it!

Thirty nine!

Ooh, and 40!

Forty one!

42! Yeah! Whoo!

Forty three!

[Theme music playing]

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