Original subtitles

[Knock on the door]

Hey! The movie starts at 7:00.

So if we leave at 4:00 you'll have just enough time

to change your seat twice,

complain about the air conditioning

and blot your popcorn.

I don't know. That's cutting it close.

So, what is all this stuff?

My new cabinet. The future home of my hats and handbags.

Oh. The "svenbjorn."

Well, it was between this and the "nilsluft,"

but svenbjorn had more cubbies.

And you're putting this together yourself?

Why not? The guy at the store said

it would only take 3 hours.

Dee Dee, you've never done manual labor in your life.

Oh, Mona.

There lies the flaw in your thinking.

Just because you "have not" doesn't mean you "can not."

For you it does.

Please. I will whip this puppy together

and I'll see you at the movies.

Could you bring me back some milk duds?

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Hey, we were supposed to meet this morning.

Where've you been?

I was having breakfast with my dad.

Where? The international house of doofus?

You out of clean clothes or what?

My dad thinks he can make up for the last 23 years

with 2 months of t-shirts and waffles.

It's his idea of bonding.

Looks more like his idea of humiliation.

Heh heh heh!

Really, even I want to beat you up.

[Bell rings]

What up with it? Ha ha ha!

Oh, hey, man. Nice shirt.

I used to have one like that... In second grade.

Ha ha ha! What, your pops making up for lost time?

Heh! How'd you know?

Hey, when my dad showed up that week in 86,

I got the hoody with the picture.

Only I was a kid, so it was still cute.

You look like an idiot.

You know what? That settles it!

I don't like your pants either.

Spencer, can I see you in my office?

Oh, sure! Take away the eye candy.

What's next, the hazelnut creamer?

Look, Spencer, I understand that

you're just getting to know your father,

but we have a lot of work to do

and could you please put our shirt on?

Come on, Mona, they're just nipples.

I mean, god gave them to everyone.

Does it bother you? Does this?

No!

What bothers me is we got a lot of stuff to do

and you know you can't think and flex at the same time.

Ha! Is my back getting too massive?

Spencer, put your damn shirt on.

You know, there was a time when these pecs

used to make you laugh.

Yeah, when you were fat and they were breasts.

Now put your nipples away.

Fine. Have it your way. What else is new?

Everything you missed in the meeting this morning,

but mostly it was about Asia, that new artist

I've been trying to sign.

Yeah, you and the rest of the industry.

She's not gonna want to be on a small label.

Well, I disagree.

Look, you signing Asia is never gonna happen.

I can feel it in my nipples, and they never lie.

[Knock on the door]

Hello, hello.

Oh, my god, you're working with your hands!

Do you have a fever? How many fingers am I holding up?

Relax. I'm just putting together my accessory unit.

Is that another new wig?

Yes. I'm trying to shake things up a bit.

What do you think?

You hate it.

So does coco.

She tried to Bury it this morning.

Oh, I don't know what's wrong with me, Dee.

Lately I feel stuck in a rut.

Well, maybe it's a little postpartum depression.

No, I blew through that in 2 days.

They have pills for it, you know.

Those were the good times!

But now, I just feel, I don't know,

rich and alone.

Oh, there's no reason for you to feel alone.

Maybe you and daddy have been so busy

being new parents that you two need to spend

some quality time together.

Spend time with my husband.

What a radical idea.

Oh, it's you.

I thought the guy in 4b had gotten another hooker.

Phyllis. Always fluent in the language of the gutter.

Well, you have a good day, no-so-lil' Kim.

You know, you're actually glowing.

Must be the cheap moisturizer.

Actually, it's called, "I've got a hot man."

I apply it 3 times a day.

I just don't get why you're chasing Asia

when there's lots of local bands we actually have a shot at.

And I don't get why you don't get it.

Hey, kids. I have a present from ray,

or should I say my sweetie, your daddy,

and no relation yet, but mama's working on it.

Every night.

Thanks for the visual, ma.

So, ray got us all tickets to the jazz festival this Friday,

and I thought we could all go as a family.

Phyllis, could you please stop talking

like Mona and I are brother and sister.

Well, I've given up on anything else

happening between the two of you,

unless, there's something I don't know.

Ma, please!

Yeah, Mona squashed that a long time ago,

Spencer: And what Mona wants... Mona: Anyway, I can't make it.

I have a meeting with a potential new artist.

A meeting that'll take 2 seconds.

Trust me, she can make it but I can't.

What have you got better to do?

Nothing. I just don't want to sit in the hot-ass sun.

I've got delicate skin.

Well, when you put it that way, I burn, too.

And I barely like jazz.

Truth be told, I'd rather lay up all weekend

in the dark with your father.

I'm just gonna go pluck out my eyes.

Heh! Good idea.

That way you won't be able to see Asia laugh at you

when she walks away.

Asia, I know you've met with a lot of other labels,

but what sets delicious apart is, we're much more hands on.

So, say for instance your first record

didn't sell that well...

Why wouldn't it sell?

I didn't say it wouldn't sell.

I was just trying to point out...

I'm just messing with you, Mona.

Oh, good 'cause I was about to start lying.

I am telling you, you and delicious are a perfect match.

So, you know, I've been doing all the talking.

Do you have any questions for me?

Well, you know I'm a single mom,

which means even though I love my music,

my baby always comes first,

so whatever, label I sign with has got to understand that.

Oh, believe me I understand completely.

I thought you would since you got a little pumpkin of your own.

Drew?

Oh, right! My son! Which makes me his mama.

Mama Mona, that's me.

I knew I liked you. Listen, Mona,

why don't we get together tomorrow?

That would be great!

Good. And our babies can have a little play date.

Oh! Saturday is drew's sleeping day.

Well, that's too bad because clive Davis

is begging us to join his grand-kids at baby yoga.

Then again, drew can sleep on Sunday. We're on.

Good. Then we can talk and really get to know each other.

And bitch about our baby-daddies.

I hope you've got the whole day.

And then your father made the caddy write

"Charles loves Dee" in the sand trap.

Who says money can't buy you love?

See? Your daddy's still got a touch of romance in him.

[Knock on the door]

Hey! Just the people I'm looking for.

It's about drew. I feel like I am missing out

on valuable bonding time with the little guy.

Oh, snapdragon, isn't that sweet?

You can see your little brother any time you want.

Great. How about tomorrow, 10:00 A.M.?

That's perfect. That means that Charles and I

can take that salsa dance class.

Which I don't really need

because your daddy already knows how to turn it up to caliente!

[Humming salsa beat]

All right, cut the bonding crap.

What's up with the sudden interest in drew?

What? A sister can't have

a genuine interest in her baby brother?

And pretend that he's her child to impress a recording artist

she's desperately trying to sign to save a record label

before it turns into a donut shop?

Delicious donuts is kind of catchy.

"So how's your project going?"

She said, not really interested.

Well, it's taking longer than I expected.

But I thought the guy at the store...

I know, he said 3 hours, and it's taking longer! Ok?

Well, do you need any help? 'Cause i...

No! I'm doing it myself.

That is the point of do-it-yourself.

There! Look at this!

Wow. Congratulations.

Thank you. Only 27 more to go.

Look, Asia, if you sign with delicious,

you will be our top priority.

- Mona: You have my word... - [Drew crying]

As a woman and more importantly as a mother.

Uh, Mona?

I know. I wish that baby would keep it down.

That's your baby.

Oh! So it is.

You'd think I would recognize that cry

after 3 days of labor. Well, I mean it felt like 3 days

because 3 days would be too much, right?

To be honest with you, Mona,

it's between you and one other label, but you really get me,

being a single mom and all.

Hey, us mothers have got to stick together.

Oh! If it isn't drew from gymboree.

And where's your mommy today?

Uh, I'm right here. Who wants ice cream?

You're not this child's mother.

Dee Thorne never lets her child have carbs.

I'm calling the police.

Wait! I'm drew's sister Mona. Dee Dee Thorne is my stepmother.

So keep strolling.

You lied to me about being a mother?

And I thought Courtney love had problems.

Asia, you should take it as a compliment,

that I would go to any lengths to sign you.

Sorry, Mona, I don't deal with liars.

Well, sometimes, but not bad liars

that get busted this easy. You signing me?

Never gonna happen.

Someone told me you'd say that.

Attention, everyone! I have some

very exciting news. Adam, take notes.

Now I have to work? I hate it already.

We are gonna launch a national talent search

where aspiring artists can send us demo tapes.

We'll fly out our favorite 5

and this is how we're going to find our next big star.

Ooh, that's hot. It's your best idea ever.

I love it. Mona, working for you

has been the most rewarding...

Dave, I have no power to promote you.

Oh. Then I'll take a wait and see approach.

Hey, why y'all congregating?

Somebody get fired? Ha ha!

Is there gonna be cake?

Uh, Mona, what's wrong with the way we find talent now?

What, you mean wasting tons of money

partying with musicians

and then having them sign with other labels?

What's wrong with that? I mean, partying is why I got into this business.

And of course my passion for music.

Look, the old way of finding talent isn't working,

so this way we'll cut expenses

and discover talent we never would've found

with our limited ability to travel.

Sounds kind of lazy to me.

But of course she doesn't care what I have to say...

Well, I would like to thank everyone

except Spencer for their attention. Spencer, my office.

Thanks for all your support.

Come up with a good idea and I'll support it.

Everyone, including our boss, loves it.

So why do you think it's a bad idea?

Ugh! Why does there always have to be a reason?

You just can't think of one.

Oh, so now you know what I'm thinking?

Well, I don't think you do

'cause I ain't thinking anything. Ha!

[Knock on the door]

Dee Dee, I need to talk to you.

Dee Dee?

You know what the secret is, Mona?

You don't fight the unit. You love the unit.

I love you, svenbjorn.

I'll come back later.

No, no, no, come talk to me. What's going on?

I'll be right back, sven.

Well, it's about Spencer.

There's this tension between us...

Ah! Do you think that he's still upset

because I got promoted over him?

Mona, it's so clear and yet you're missing it.

Spencer is fighting you

because he's still feeling you.

But we dealt with that months ago.

You didn't deal with it. You told him it wasn't happening

and he had no choice but to accept it.

Face it, Mona. He is your Justin.

Right. Huh?

Justin, as in "just in" case you ever need a man.

You keep Spencer in a box and then whenever you feel like it

you take him out, toy with his feelings

and then you put him away when you're done,

knowing that he'll be there if you ever need to use him again.

Wow. Did you just come up with that?

Yep.

Not eating for 3 days has given me clarity.

Remind me later to call the president.

I just figured out North Korea.

Was that water guy? I told you to make him wait for me.

Yes, but I don't interact with pear-shaped men.

Man, when are you gonna start doing your job?

Ok, that's the third time you snapped at me today.

I don't take it from the barrista at Starbucks

and I won't take it from you.

I'm sorry, man.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Look, my soap starts in 2 minutes, so let me break it down.

You and Mona have been at each other for weeks.

It's like you're lovers without the sex.

We're going through a rough patch. It'll pass.

That's what sister Agnes told me about being gay,

and you can see how that turned out.

Take it from me. This whole "will they or won't they"

thing you've got going?

It's so whitley and Dwayne Wayne

and that's so late eighties.

And why is this any of your business?

Because your business is in the streets

and the streets are public, my brotha.

Let Mona go.

Tsk! I have.

No, you haven't.

Hey, you're the one who made me promise

to let you sing love to love you, baby at our wedding.

Because I thought you were right for each other.

And that song's in the perfect key for me.

But what I'm seeing now is 2 people hurting each other.

One of them has been acting like a complete fool

and the other one is not you.

I have been kind of an ass when it comes to me and...

Yeah, tell it to her. My show's starting.

So, I detected my enemy paintballers

by the smell of their cheap Cologne

wafting from behind the hedge.

Then with a well modulated battle cry...

[shouts battle cry]

I pelted those cowards and grabbed their flag!

Vivateam l'orange! Heh heh heh! Oh!

Isn't that something, Dee Dee?

Your mom's a warrior.

Righty-tighty, lefty loosey.

Well, I'm gonna freshen up

before we're off to disco bowling.

Hurry back, my love.

Will do, angel.

I can't take it anymore!

What's wrong?

This.

What happened?

Your mother!

I took a bathroom break

and that trigger-happy woman shot me for deserting.

This togetherness stuff is driving me insane.

So, why don't you just tell her?

I really don't want to hurt your mother's feelings.

You do it.

Just wait till I get in the car.

Where'd your father go?

Mom, sit down.

Daddy wanted me to talk to you.

How can I put this nicely?

You know how you're spending all this quality time with him?

- Big Dee Dee: Mm-hmm. - Stop it!

That orange-headed wimp.

Who leaves the battlefield because of a little bladder issue?

I think he's feeling a little smothered.

And, mom, shooting him in the head?

You know paint and pomade don't mix!

[Sighs] Oh, well.

This week reinforced what I already knew.

The secret to a happy marriage? Minimum contact.

I'll just have to keep looking for happiness

and my platinum card will guide me.

Oh! I see big girl let you off the leash

it looks like she tagged you

before she released you back into the wild.

Shocking that you're still single, Phyllis.

Thanks to the court of California.

And I do have a man who doesn't need a booster seat at dinner.

Give it time. Your nagging will shrink him.

Adam, could you make copies of this?

Hmm. For immediate release: "Sing for your bling.

"Fame and fortune could be yours.

"A nationwide search is underway to find exciting new talent.

Employees of delicious records are ineligible."

Copy it yourself, dream killer.

Hey.

Mona, could you see me in your office?

[Sighs] Listen.

I know I've been kind of edgy,

and I think I know why.

Hey, anybody wanna sponsor a brother

in the 10-k for the kids?

Actually, my kids,

but that child support ain't no joke.

Would you keep it down?!

[Whispering] Mona and Spencer are having a private conversation

pledge up if you want your mail.

Anyway, I'm sorry for bringing that stuff to the workplace.

I guess instead of dealing with you as my friend,

I started to see you as more.

But still as my friend... But more.

Well, I guess I've been a little vague about us, too.

Ooh, they're gonna do the nasty!

Shh!

When we kissed, I thought I wanted what I thought you wanted,

but I think that we were just holding onto the possibility

of what we wanted, just in case one day we actually wanted it.

You know, I wish we never started down that road.

It's just confusing things, and you know I confuse easily.

Yeah, you do.

So, guess we're back to being what we used to be.

Me being confused?

No. Best friends!

Oh... until the end.

Unless we have a little too much cristal...

Spencer... never gonna happen.

Congratulations. I'm impressed.

Well, it was nothing, really. I mean,

what's a few days losing 5 pounds

and all the feeling in my left hand?

And I thought the only time you Dee dees used your hand

was to signal for the check.

We're not just pretty. We're also handy.

So, is this where this thing's gonna live?

No. I'm putting it in the bedroom, silly.

Yeah? How, exactly, are you gonna get it through that door?

Ok, maybe sometimes we're just pretty.

[Theme music playing]

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