Original subtitles

Hey, Mona, guess what I've got.

A good excuse for being an hour late?

Nope. Still working on one.

Now close your eyes.

I want to put something in your hand.

You know, I fell for that when we were in college,

but this time I'm a lot more willing to point and laugh.

Pshh! Ok, fine.

Got you this.

Happy birthday.

But it's not until the end of the week.

I was so excited I couldn't wait.

I finally got the perfect gift.

Great, 'cause I was afraid

I'd end up with something I have a million of,

like bath salts or scented candles.

Oh, bath salts and scented candles!

Good morning, play-ahs.

Man, that's the last time

I listen to you about a gift idea.

Ooh, bath salts and scented candles!

You want it?

Why do you think I told him to get this for you?

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. Heh heh.

♪ Just kick it, Whoo ♪

How long you been standing there?

Long enough to appreciate the fact

that we're only half sisters.

'Cause my half has rhythm.

And you entered my apartment without permission because...

We have birthdays coming up.

I thought we should talk giftage.

Well, how about you don't give me a gift this year

and I won't give you one?

Not get me a gift?

Oh, Mona.

Now, remember,

my birthstone is diamond.

No, it's not.

Mother had it legally changed.

Dee Dee, really, I don't need anything.

Oh, I beg to differ.

Come on.

All right, there's one thing I can use.

Can you get me a man?

That's it! That's the gift.

I'm getting you a man for your birthday.

Ok, I was joking... sort of.

Once again I've pulled inspiration from your pain.

In fact, let's make it a man exchange.

I mean, our usual way of finding guys isn't working,

so we'll find each other dates for our birthday.

Dee Dee, you couldn't even begin to know

what type of man I like.

I have been paying attention for the last 2 years.

You're attracted to underemployed,

poorly-dressed, musky bohemians

with emotional issues.

Wow, you have been paying attention.

And if you're half as good as I am,

you'll find someone wonderful for me.

I say the challenge is on.

And I accept.

Bring on the jobless,

dysfunctional man of my dreams.

I can't believe my baby girl is turning 22 this year.

I'm turning 24.

Impossible.

I never would've had a child at the tender age of 15.

15? Come on, mother.

If the dmv buys it, so will you.

And for your big 2-2,

I am giving you this.

A picture of cissy and Whitney Houston?

Well, I didn't have one.

No, no, the gift is portraiture.

A mother-daughter sitting.

Our beauty and style captured for all time.

That is a great idea.

Hey, what if we were to make it all us girls?

Me, you, and the maids?

No. Me, you, Mona, and Phyllis.

A mother-daughter, mother-daughter portrait.

Do you think that's fair to Phyllis?

I mean,

after they airbrush out her imperfections,

all that will be left is a set of caps

and 10 acrylic nails.

Mom, it's time you accept that we're a family.

And what better gift for your 22-year-old daughter,

who won't blow the whistle at the dmv if you agree?

I can not believe you'd be so manipulative

simply to get something you want.

Baby makes mama proud.

It's about time your sister helped you find a man,

'cause the rest of us are tapped out.

Thanks, ma.

But if this one should turn out to be yet another dud,

just know that I'm here for you.

Longing for the comfort only a grandchild could give me,

but here for you just the same.

And here I am, longing for unconditional love,

but happy to take what you give me.

[Knock on door]

Hey, I pride myself on letting you live your own life.

I mean, what kind of overbearing freak of a mother

is always trying to control her daughter's every move?

Hello, hello!

Why, Phyllis, that ensemble.

You certainly have a way with fabric.

You know how to just stretch it till is screams for mercy.

You mean like Charles does

when you lean down to pick him up?

Mothers!

Ahem.

Play nice.

Mona, Phyllis,

in honor of my birthday,

mom is getting me a present that also involves you.

All of a sudden, I'm seeing us with aprons,

hair nets, and serving trays.

I would like to invite you to join us in a sitting

for a mother-daughter portrait.

A photograph?

I didn't think your kind showed up on film.

Ma, it's a very generous offer.

So thank you. It sounds like fun.

Not so fast.

I'm not sure I want to spend eternity

trapped in a picture with wig-on-a-stick.

Why not, Phyllis?

Worried you can't compete with all this?

Oh, please!

I will blow you so far off the proof sheet

it'll take lo-Jack to find your image.

Bring it.

Ooh!

Ooh, a 20.

Back off, vulture.

It's not gonna work this time.

So I finally got it right.

You can't go wrong with cash.

Actually, you can, 'cause I loaned you 400 last week.

Where do you think I got that?

So, when do you get the packagefrom Dee Dee?

Tonight. She's bringing him over at 7:00.

Have you found a guy for Dee Dee yet?

No. I'm waiting to see if the guy she found for me

lives across the golden gate bridge or under it.

That way I'll know how high the bar's been set.

Well, when you're ready to look, maybe I can help.

I know half the guys in San Francisco.

It's the other half she's looking for.

[Knock on door]

Ok. Your birthday present is right outside.

Do I get to unwrap him?

Only if the date goes really well.

[Giggles]

Mona Thorne, your date for this evening

is a sexy, single, well-established architect.

He's athletic, loves R&B,

gourmet cooking, and his mama.

[Laughs]

Say hello to...

James Lewis.

Wow.

Wow yourself.

Your p.R. Woman told me a lot of

good things about you.

Well, it's easy when it's all true.

Well, I've done my part.

We'll let nature do the rest.

Happy birthday, sis.

Come on in.

Is it really your birthday?

'Cause i... i feel like it's mine.

Dee Dee made you say that, didn't she?

That depends. Did you like it?

I did.

Then it was all me.

I made dinner reservations for us at 8:00.

We should probably go.

So is it weird for you,

agreeing to be someone's present?

No. I thought it was an original way for a blind date. Why?

You aren't thinking of returning me, are you?

No. You're one of the few gifts

I'm actually thinking about keeping.

Finally!

Tell me everything. How did it go?

What did you and James talk about?

I didn't hear a word he said.

I was too busy trying to figure out

how to fit his furniture into my apartment.

And the best part is...

He asked me out again.

Ooh.

I knew my method would work.

I used the kaiser-hillman psychological profile,

combined with a credit check,

matched against a retail preference database.

It is my foolproof

find-a-man screening system. Patent pending.

It doesn't always work.

Need I remind you of Mr. Foot fetish?

That's why the patent's pending.

Dee Dee, thank you for all the trouble

you went through for my birthday.

It's no more trouble

than I'm sure you're going through for me,

and since my dating standards are higher,

I know your job is much, much harder.

Only 2 more days.

I can't wait to meet the guy you got for me.

[Door closes]

Neither can I.

Look, Tony, I know it's short notice,

but I am desperate to find a date for my sister, and I just...

Oh. Well, do you think your new wife would mind

if you went on just one date with...

Boy, is she clingy.

[Knock on door]

Hey.

I was just on the phone with your perfect guy.

Oh. About that.

Since James already asked you out,

I thought that it would be great if we all went out together.

That way, I get to spend my birthday with my sister

and the incredible hook-up she found for me.

Our first double. Yay!

Yay!

Phyllis. Good news about the photo shoot.

The photographer does have a wide-angle lens,

so I am certain that we can fit

almost all of you into the picture.

And I thought you'd be getting some extra beauty rest.

Shouldn't you be in your coffin avoiding the sun?

I'm on my way to a final fitting for my designer gown.

I assumed you've already glued the sequins

onto the burlap sack you'll be squeezing into.

For your information, stilts,

I have got a gorgeous outfit.

I am more than prepared for this photo shoot.

I got nothing for the photo shoot!

What do you got?! I'm desperate!

What?! What you got? What, what, what?!

Ok. Here's where we are.

It's Dee Dee's birthday.

I have to be at a photo shoot in 30 minutes,

and our dinner dates are right after that,

so I'm out of time, and I'm out of options.

You're also out of jelly bellies.

But this might not be the best time to bring it up.

I swore that I would never do this,

but I am begging you guys.

I need a man for Dee Dee... A great man.

Someone who makes me look like

the caring sister I want her to think I am.

I'm not spending my day looking for some dude.

Well, if you do it right, it won't take the whole day.

Oh, you're doing it.

Especially since you still owe me

a present for my birthday.

So, if I found a perfect guy for Dee Dee,

it would be the perfect gift from me to you?

Sure, and just to be clear:

The guy ain't you.

Now get out there and find my sister a date.

Hooray! We're going on a man-hunt.

J'arrive!

Not the boa.

It was inappropriate for my ballet recitals,

and it's inappropriate now.

Just call me... "The boss."

Just call me when this is over.

Ladies, please get into position.

How's my makeup?

You did the best you could.

So did you.

I didn't realize Chanel made spackle.

Mom, thanks for agreeing to do the picture with all of us.

I did it because I love you.

Happy birthday, dear.

Now get out of mother's light.

Photographer: Ok, ladies, on 3.

1, 2, 3.

Spencer, you were supposed to be here half an hour ago.

I'm sorry. Just as we were leaving,

junebug got a call from his probation officer.

Everything is cool now.

Hey. Where the rich girl at?

Junebug? Probation officer?

What should I give Dee Dee next year, conjugal visits?

[Sighs] Maybe she'll like junebug.

I mean, they have a lot in common.

Dee Dee likes gold.

He's got 2 gold teeth.

She's gonna be a lawyer.

He's gonna need a lawyer.

Hey. I came up with one more option than you did.

You're dismissed. Adam is my only hope.

Here I come to save the day!

Hello, Dee Dee. The name is Oscar.

I know what you're thinking,

and yes, you are one lucky lady.

Wait.

I'm not Dee Dee,

but this about as close

as you're gonna get to her.

What's she talking about, Adam?

Doesn't she know I'm a professional athlete?

I played in Romania for half a season.

All the ladies want some of o.

Sorry, o.

Adam, get real. The guy is a jerk.

And that is not gonna line up with that.

It all evens out when you're lying down.

True dat.

Everybody out!

I know you're not talking about junebug.

Especially junebug.

Ok.

If idiots could fly,

this would be a freakin' airport.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Mona. Good to see you again.

You, too.

Ok, so... Your awesome guy is here.

Where's mine?

He's parking the car

'cause he didn't want the valets

to mess with his new Ferrari.

Not just a Ferrari, a new Ferrari?

And that's not even his good car.

Damn, that brother's making me look bad.

Who can I call? Oh, god.

Excuse me.

I notice you talking

to that attractive woman at that table?

Wow, you're fast.

Yes, she's my sister. Would you like to meet her?

Would you like to have dinner with her? I can arrange it.

Well, it looks like she's already on a date.

That's my date James.

Oh, so the brother's with you.

Yes, and you can save her from being a third wheel.

So, what do you say?

And I am not above offering cash.

I say I'm interested. I'm Brendan.

Great! Her name is Dee Dee.

It's her birthday,

and you and I set this up a week ago

'cause you're a friend of a friend of mine

from Fresno, got it?

Does it have to be Fresno?

Yes.

Now, one last thing.

Have you ever done time, ever cross-dressed,

and who is Isaac Mizrahi?

No, only once when I was pledging,

and doesn't he have a discount line at target?

You are so in!

You just won yourself a Dee Dee.

Come on down!

Yeah, man. I've travelled all over the world.

You know, I enjoyed Thailand the best, though,

'cause it's just so rich in culture, you know?

He likes culture.

I love you.

I'm a bit of a world traveler myself.

I've never been out of the states,

but I spent some time in New Orleans,

Vegas, L.A.

A lot of time in L.A.

I actually lived there for a while.

Have you lived there in the last 5 years?

Yeah, I was kickin' it in the palisades

till last June. Why?

That's prime laker's time.

You know, I'm a huge fan.

Me, too.

They're both Lakers fans.

Is that amazing?

Uh, excuse me, gentlemen.

While you talk sports,

I'm going to go to the ladies' room.

Mona, join me?

Oh, right behind you.

You know, girls, always have to go to the bathroom in twos.

Sort of like Noah's ark.

Ha ha ha.

Go Lakers!

I'm glad you wanted to go to the bathroom.

I really had to go,

but I didn't wanna miss anything.

Dee Dee: I am so impressed with Brendan.

[Flushes]

He's smart, funny...

[Flushes]

And I'm trying to find a way

to accidently touch his pecs.

[Flushes] Aah!

Mona, are you ok?

Yes, but technology won't let me pee.

Just hold the seat cover down till you're down.

Mona: Thanks.

You found such the perfect guy for me.

It must've taken you so much time and effort.

You have no idea.

Alakazam!

Dee Dee, I have another problem.

Just open the door and it'll flush.

[Flushes]

Ah, man. This is crazy. You set me up.

Look at them.

Getting overheated about sports.

That is so adorable.

Adorable my ass. This brother's a detective.

I just got served with divorce papers.

I'm sorry, man. That's my job.

I just needed to confirm you were

who I thought you were.

Wait a minute. You're married?

Let's just say he had a series of marriages

that kind of... what's the word?

Overlapped.

You say, "overlapped." I say, "over-loved."

I guess putting them in the same apartment building

was a mistake.

What can I say? I got lazy.

Hey, Dee Dee, look, I'm sorry about tonight.

Um, but I'd love the chance to make it up to you.

Maybe dinner next Friday?

Well... ok.

I see I passed the pec test.

Hey, Mona, I'm sorry about...

Unh.

Mona, I'm so sorry it turned out this way.

Please, don't be.

It was destined to go down like this.

It's only natural that I would end up with a bigamist,

and you'd end up with Mr. Perky pecs.

Next year, if Brendan and I aren't married,

we can try this again.

And maybe you can try a little harder.

Ladies!

I see you all alone.

How'd you like to buy junebug a drink?

Wow. I look beautiful in this.

This must've been my best hair day ever.

But... look at my mom.

And my mother looks so...

[Both shudder]

Well, the good news is

we have our Halloween costumes for this year.

I'll go as your mom and you go as mine.

Do I have to wear the boa?

Do you want to scare people or not?

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